the old crones

7/29/2019 The Old Crones

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The Old Crones

Two witches drinking stout in a country pub.

You know Gladys; I think the weatherman is secretly a witch.

Go on Maud, why d'yer think that.

Well, I caught the weather report this morning and I heard him talking about spells of good weather.Yeh, you might be right.

A few pints later.

Have I shown you my BOS, Maud?

You mean your hubby? Seen him lots of times.

No Maud. My book of shadows.

Is that before or after Cliff Richard left them then?

A few more pints later. (The fact that they're enjoying a drink is totally irrelevant).

Gladys, I'm having problems with my book of shadows.

What's wrong with it then Maud?

Well it's getting so dark now I've had to start using white ink.

Two more pints and a packet of crisps later.

I've stopped reading News of the World now.

Why's that then Gladys?

You don't get many articles on witchcraft these days.

I know what you mean, Glad. I changed magazines recently. The nice man at the library said I shouldtry Which.

No much on the craft there either. But I got some good ideas for a toaster.

I'm off then Maud.

You're right there, Gladys. I told you to stop drinking Brut with your stout. It spoils the taste of the

beer.

No, you fool. I'm going home.

Can you remember where you parked your broom? Last time you spend hours trying to get a pool cue

to fly!

Yes, yes, yes. It's over by the spittoon. I've wrapped a bunch of garlic round the 'andle.

What ever for, Maud?You know I'm always worried about meeting vampires! The nice man at the library said it never failed

to work, and, was attractive to men!!!!!.

Well I never ! Can you get me some as well. My "Kiss me quick" sticker hasn't made any difference.


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Hi Gladys, did your broom pass its MOT ?

No Maud, it didn't. The HP said the pole was OK but the bristles were below the legal limit, so I had to

buy a set of replacements. It was the luck of the devil that he had the right size in stock

And what about your evening class ?

Mmmm, it's was advertised as "The magic of herbs". So far we've covered cooking with Rosemary and

Thyme, but I feel I'm missing out on something, but I don't know what.Anyway, when I was there last

night, a really, and I mean really, dishy bloke asked if I knew where the craft training was. I told him

embroidery was across the hall, flower arranging in the annex but woodwork was cancelled through

lack of numbers. He gave me a really strange look and walked off tutting. What do you think that was

all about ?

I'm sure I don't know, Gladys. Brenda was complaining the other day that her boyfriend won't let her

use his razor to shave her moustache. Talk about selfish, I ask you !

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Thanks for coming round Maud. I've been quite beside meself with worry.

Don't fret Gladys, it's what friends are for. Just tell me what's upsetting you.

Well, I'll make some mint tea and open a jar of gherkins and then I'll open me soul.

Several burps and farts later.

Well you see it's about periods. Me Mum and Dad just didn't talk about such things. When we did it inschool I didn't really understand it, but was too embarrassed to ask questions. When we had the relief

teacher, Mr Randy, I could hardly speak in his lessons.

I know what you mean. I just used to drool all day long. He was always so firm in his lessons! But


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what about asking Bertram ? He might be able to help.

Don't be daft, Maud. He's only interested in playing with his balls all the time !

I expect you're right. I never did understand how you managed to fit a snooker table in the spare room.

So what do you want to know? Honestly, I would have thought at your age you would have it sorted.

It's easier if I show you exactly what I mean. Grab your cup and come into the study.

I'm not sure about this Gladys.

Both go to the desk under the stairs.

Here, look at this Maud. Can you see where I'm pointing? In your experience should I put a colon or a

period after this sentence ?

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I tell you Glad, I've had a bloody awful day today. I must 'ave done something bad in a past life.

Look, sit down and tell me all about it.

Well, I was doing the washing and the machine completely shredded all me clothes. I persuaded

Bertram to get the car out, (I had to promise him a bit of you-know-what), so I could get somereplacement clothing. And what happened ? The car caught fire ! Bertram still insists we made a deal,

shopping or no shopping! The gods have it in for me today ! But why have you come over?

Well, Maud. I thought I was the bringer of bad news but it seems perhaps not. The HP had decided the

next meeting is very special, so it's the full works according to the book. No need to worry about what

to wear as we'll be in the nude!

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Gladys, could you make any sense of what the HP was talking about last night?

To be honest, Maud, I haven't a clue. Four elements you can see and a fifth element which you can't. Ikept on thinking of the Bruce Willis film. Now there's a man I'd drop everything for, know what I

mean !!!


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Don't start me off Glad, I'm getting all flushed down there already !! But I do think the HP is a bit of

an intellectual snob. Poncing around with all his ideas and just because he has a GCSE in, what was

it, Expresso or Espanto or some such like.

I think it's Esperanto. One of them ancient mystic languages spoken by the Romans or Geeks or

summat. I've never ever heard it on TV.

Well I went to see that nice man at the library and asked him if he knew about four or five elements.He said there was definitely one in a kettle and probably one in a washing machine, one in a tumble

dryer and one in the hot water tank. He wasn't too sure about the hot water tank as most people call it

an immersion heater, not an element heater. He wasn't sure about a fifth element, although he knew

people who lived in council flats who had underfloor heating. They said they had elements but they

had never worked properly. You definitely couldn't see those.

At last someone who knows what he's talking about, eh ! Did it make sense to you ?

Not really, Glad. Just more words floating around in me head with nothing to latch on to. I'm much

happier wiv me evening class on Marxist Dialectical Materialism. That's so obvious I can't understand

why we don't have a proletarian revolution tomorrow.

Yes, well, I'll make some mint tea. Do you want a couple of gherkins with it or do you fancy a pickled

egg ?

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How's the homework going Maud?

Not very well as I just haven't got the time. What with mucking out the stables and the Ann Summers

parties I don't have a spare minute.

I've more or less finished mine, so you can copy what I've written so far.

Thanks, Glad. What have you got left to do ?

It's the section on writing examples of spells. I'm not very good at writing my own, so I thought I'd

cheat and go to the library.

And ?

Well, the nice man at the library was off that day. So I spoke to that fat, slimy supervisor. You know,

the one who always stares down your cleavage. I know I've got a lot of cleavage to stare down but he's

such a pervert. He wouldn't appreciate nice boobs if he was given the chance ! Anyway I asked him if

they had any books on spells. And do you know what he said? " Does the lady mean books on spelling,

which we call a dictionary ?"

You didn't thump him did you Glad ?

No but I was so bleeding mad. I thought, just forget about the 'tionary, 'cause you're the DICK.


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What did you do then ?

I bit my tongue, smiled sweetly and gave him a few blocks of chocolate I keep in me 'andbag.I should

have thrown away that Ex-lax years ago.

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'ere Maud, pass me the Newcastle Brown and me box of cigars. Have one yerself.Thanks Glad, I could do with a rest after this hectic afternoon.

Did you see the HP and HPess ? They were banging away for hours ! I didn't know he had it in 'im.

She's no spring chicken either. The sweat was dropping off 'em like a waterfall.

Well I'm just glad we weren't picked to put in all the tent pegs. The ground is like bleeding rock !

And what about Basil and Mandy ? He was wheezing like a broken bagpipe! It can't be good for him at

his age to get so out of breath. And Mandy was completely knackered. I thought she was a fit twenty

year old, but obviously not. She was so exhausted she collapsed on the ground.

I think it's a sign of the times Glad. People just don't know how to start a fire these days.

Pass us another bottle Maud.

Did you hear Frank and Petula? They were making so much noise behind the oak tree. At one point I

think she screamed and burst out crying. They both ran out with half their clothes off.

I think it was the same thing that happened last time. They like to meditate under trees and invariable

sit on an ant hill or next to a wasps nest.

Do you fancy a sardine sandwich Glad ? I've also got gherkins and a salami sausage, one of those

really big Italian ones.

I just love these gatherings in the middle of nowhere. The moon and stars, the camp fire, the rugby

songs and checking the tent before you go to bed, to make sure Ralph isn't in one of his funny moods.Tell me Glad, since when do you have to do Reiki in the same sleeping bag as the client?

Yup, its a great time, Maud


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Hi Maud. Ooer, you look like you're fuming?

Too right I am. It's that bigot Mrs McGuire next door. We' just had an alteration.

A what?An alteration. You know. A row.

Oh, you mean an altercation.

Yes that's it. Alf got me a dictionary for me birthday and I've been reading a page a day. The story line

is somewhat lacking but I get to learn new words. So altercation it is then.

Anyway me nephew Reggie was around today and I was teaching him to count. He already knows one

to five so I was doing six to ten. Trouble was he couldn't get the hang of it and kept marching round

the garden shouting, "sex even ate mine nun", at the top of his voice. Of course the old bag came out

and said I shouldn't teach kids to say rude words. If it happened again she call the social workers.

What did you do?I took Reggie inside and we practiced in the living room. He did ever so well, bless him. So in the

afternoon we went outside again. Of course he insisted on showing how good he was, didn't he. He

marched round the garden saying, "one two free four five six seven ate and nine". He kept on

forgetting ten.

So I said I'd give him a cake if he could manage all the numbers.

And did it work?

Eventually. He sat on the dividing garden wall and said the numbers. But he still forgot ten. So I

shouted from the house. "Say ten Reggie! Say ten! Say ten!" Of course she came out. Shouted that I

was invoking the Devil and threatened to phone the vicar.

I told her not to be so damn stupid and that her eczema woulddefinitely get much worse if she didn't

shut up. She went inside, put a crucifix on the patio door and drew the curtains! Of course, once she'd

gone inside he counted to ten perfectly. I'm beginning to wonder if he did it deliberately.

Well, you know what they say Gladys?

No, what do they say?

I've lost me train of thought now. Something about never counting with chickens if you're crossing a

bridge. Anyway, let's have a nice cup of Jack Daniels and a couple of Hobnobs.


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I've been meaning to ask Gladys, does your Alf know you practice the craft? Doesn't he ever ask you

where you're going and what you're doing?

Don't be daft Maud. Alf is far too busy wiv his hobbies he ain't got time for nowt else. He idolises his

racing pigeons, loves his greyhounds, follows the horses and is in three domino teams at different

pubs. He's always asking for overtime at the mine as he's got a new project: racing snails! He says it

will soon become a national craze and he wants to be there at the beginning.

Do you ever get chance to see him or talk to him then?

'Course I do. He never stops talking at the table letting me know what he's been up to. Bless him. Half

the time I don't understand what he's on about. It's then that I tell him I've got to go to a meeting, or

there's a coven convention or whatever. He just says yes I should go but be wary about any strange

men. I usually reply that I should be so lucky, but by then he's off in his little world again.

So do you still have hanky-panky then?

To be honest Maud I'm not really fussed. When he goes to bed he's out like a light. He's such a lovely

husband I hate to wake him up. He works so hard to provide for me and the seven kids. I do have my

secret fantasies. Ooooooooo Bruce Willis !!!

Bertram sounds just the same. He always cuddles me after tea on Sunday night and says tonight's the

night and I'd better be ready, willing and able. I put on my sexy nightdress, with the socks and cap, and

wait for him in the bed. We have kisses and cuddles and then he falls asleep and snores. In the morning

he always asks if I enjoyed it or was he too rough and manly. I have to bite me lip sometimes to stop

laughing. I couldn't tell him he just falls asleep and his imagination does the rest. But, I wouldn't swap

him for the world. But now you've mentioned him, Bruce Willis Oooooooooooooo AaaaaaaaaaaaaNnnnnnnnnnn.

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Maud, are you still coming round to do an Ann Summers party for me?

Of course Gladys. I've got some new stock to show. Anyway, it's a chance to tell "interested parties"

about the craft. I'm amazed at how many women want to know more, and how many go the whole hog.

We must have seen three new covens set up over the last few years!

Amazing isn't it. And so what are your new lines?

Well. there's only one that I've tested. It's the old Chinese balls routine, but this time with a built-in

radio.


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You're joking, aren't you?

Course not! I used one the other day when I was mucking out the stables. I had it tuned to a Radio 1

concert. Guns and Roses I think. I tell you by the end of the concert I was so exhausted I could hardly

walk. Boy was that a good time!!

If it's that good put me down for one.

I better tell you Glad, it does have a down side. The next day I used it again. I was desperately lookingforward to it. But bugger me didn't I get the wrong station! I ended up with Terry Wogan on Radio 2.

How his wife doesn't commit suicide I don't know. I was so down by the end of his show I could ave

topped meself. I think the control buttons might be a bit dodgy.

Still, I'm game for a laugh. Radio 3 is broadcasting Ravel's Bolero next week. It just goes on and on

and on, in a languid sort of way. Just how I like it, know what I mean!?

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Maud, have you seen the letter from the HP?

Haven't opened me mail yet Gladys. Why?

The next meet it to be the full works, orgy and all. The HP wants everyone to make a special effort.

You know, lipstick, shaved armpits, bikini wax etc etc.

It's alright for him but he doesn't have the extra expense!

I know. But he's under pressure from the local farmer. The potato harvest isn't looking good and the

apples ain't much better. Even my runner beans are looking droopy.

Talking of droopy, I hope it's not my turn to partner him. He's so flaccid it takes me all my time to get

him ready. I don't really mind but now and again I could do with a bit of rough!

You know what the problem is , don't you Maud? It's the new recruit Mandy. If ever there was an

incarnation of a fertility goddess it's her. When I look at her I want to..................... and then

I'd..................I think the HP is intimidated by her.

Who isn't. After all she's a gym mistress at the local school, does Kung Fu, and is as earthy as a

rutting stag! I think all the men in the coven feel they can't match up to her appetites, the women as

well!

When you speak to her she's a really nice person. I think people will calm down once she's been with

us for a while and they get to know her. Perhaps the HP will get his stiff upper lip back as well.

I bleedin' hope so! But just you remember Gladys, you're next on the rota after me so you might like tocast a "strengthening" spell in his direction !


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Guess what Glad. I was reading this book about magic in the old days, you know Egypt and Bubblelon

etc. Well, apparently the priestesses used to go on a barge down the river, lift up their dresses and

expose their pubes to the fields. It was to ensure fertility.

I guess its the sort of thing you'd do in a hot country. I wonder what the workers thought after getting

an eye-full?

You know Glad. I was just wondering if the priests did it as well. You know, let it all hang out?

You're reading the book, Maud. Perhaps you haven't got to that bit yet? Mind you, you see blokes

doing it on the motorway sometimes. I think they call it "moonshining" or summat?

Mooning, Glad, mooning.

Yes well, the sun doesn't shine there as they say! ( Four minutes of inane giggles ).

You'd better not tell anyone else about this. We've got that coach trip to the Callanish standing stones

next month. I don't want the HP insisting we flash our pubes every time we pass some manky fields!

Although I might be tempted if I see a bloke driving a Merc! ( Five minutes of inane giggles ).

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This is the book I told you about Maud. I think they call it a grim minor or summat like it. I was given

it by my uncle Bert. It was his grandmother's, uncle's, grandmother's. It really is old. Look it has

"thee"s and "thou"s and weird diagrams and things. You know about symbols from your evening

course. What was it called ?

Ceremonial magic in six easy lessons And it's called a grimoire, Gladys.

Well I was close. Anyway, you understand glyphs, don't you. And you do that sigil magic thingy. So

you could de-code it!OK. I'll have a look but I can't promise anything. Hand written stuff is always hard to read. So where

is this weird drawing that you think is so mystical?


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It's here on the last page. I think it might sum up the whole of the book. You know, the ultimate truth

in a complex magical symbol. Perhaps the hidden truth of witchcraft !

Don't over do it Gladys. It's probably something that is dead common or so unknown I haven't a clue.

Well, what do you think?

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

I think I'll have the good news.I can decipher it.

You're brilliant Maud. Go on, read what it says.

You're not going to like this Glad. What we have here is a very sad and very dead spider. If you get a

matchbox we can give it a decent burial.

That's life. You get your hopes up but you end up going to the pet cemetery. How about a mug of

brandy and some pilchards on toast before we bury it?

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Are you OK Maud?

Not too bad. They're letting me out of hospital this evening. They just want to make sure it was only a

case of smoke inhalation. Otherwise I'm perfectly OK apart from the shock.

What the bleedin' 'ell happened? I heard all sorts of stories about the house burning down, people

being roasted alive and the woods catching fire.

Nothing so dramatic Gladys. Me and the girls decided to do a bit of witchcraft to ensure the school

sports day went OK. It was one of the rituals invoking the elements. You know the one. Anyway, we set

up in the back garden. The candles, for fire, were burning nicely. Elsie invoked the air, but with toomuch enthusiasm. And before we knew it the candles fell over and set fire to the lawn and bushes. We

had a bucket of water to invoke the water element, and threw that on it, but it wasn't enough so I undid

the garden hose and sprayed the flames. The smoke was awful.

So did you manage to get everything under control?

Sort of. But then we heard the sirens. That's when Jenny screamed that we were all naked! We'd all

forgotten in the panic. So we all rushed around trying to hide and bury all the equipment in case

anyone noticed, and get some clothes on. I pulled the BBQ out of the shed and tipped it over near the

burnt lawn. By the time the firemen and police came round the back, we thought we had everything

sorted.

And did you?

Almost. I was explaining to the local bobby about the wind ruining our BBQ, when we both notice

Elsie's bra falling out of her T shirt. Then I saw that Jenny's pants were stuffed into the back pocket of


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her jeans. And worst of all, a sudden breeze lifted my summer dress and I realised I had no knickers

on!

Bloody hell!!

But it turned out alright in the end. No one else seemed to have noticed. The local bobby just said he

could empathise how housework was so boring and that women needed to enjoy themselves now and

again.

So he thought you were lesbians or summat?

Probably. He didn't seem that fussed really. He did say next time we have a BBQ, give it a good clean

as the cobwebs seem to have been fireproof! We all were shipped to the hospital but no one was hurt,

apart from me coughing because of the smoke.

All's well that ends well then!

Too true. Both Elsie and Marge got dated by firemen, so they were really chuffed! And because we'd

buried the tools in the ground, which was the earth element, we'd actually completed the invocation, in

a sort of short-hand way!

the old crones

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