the other side of the rail fixed

8/12/2019 The Other Side of the Rail FIXED

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1)

96 Days Before

Well, the earliest back I can remember after the accident is when I finally woke up in thehospital bed. Thats when I first wanted to be dead, right then. Every inch of my body felt a

punishing burning worse than anything that even the Devil Himself could ever hope to inflict. I

now held absolutely no command over my own stiff limbs, and could do nothing to stop the fire


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that was spreading through my skin. No one part was hurting less than any other; rather, my

entire being had dissolved into a pool of excruciating pain as I laid flat on my back. I struggled to

sit up and look around, but the fluorescent lights directly over my head bore into my eyes

hiding my broken body from me and my aching, stiff muscles forced me to remain still. I

didnt know where I was anymore. I didnt know what was happening, and I certainly didnt

know what to do about it. So I screamed.

I shut my eyes tight and opened my mouth wide, expelling every ounce of breath from

the base of my lungs and sending my desperate voice bouncing as fast echoes from the walls. I

shouted for anybody in the world who could end the torture whether it was through healing or

death, I couldnt care less. Every fiber of my neck stretched as long as my still unanswered cry.

The great strain that I was putting my voice box under was almost enough to mask the pain; that

is, until I had to stop and draw another breath. Before I could reload for another loud scream, I

finally heard something in response.

It was a heavy and repetitive tapping along the floor, and it was moving closer and closer to me.

I hoped that I was listening to the footsteps of someone who was hurrying to my aid, but I still

couldnt check. If they were indeed footsteps, they were getting louder.

Alright, Im here to help. Once silence had reclaimed the room, I felt a chilled hand

grasping my left forearm, cooling the skins surface, but sending the nerves underneath into a

fiery rage. I gritted my teeth and scrunched my face tightly as the hands penetrated my flesh with

cold metal.

There, I heard a feminine voice say. The person spoke slowly and enunciated her words

like new parents would to their toddler. Now stay still for a minute. Dont move at all.


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I didnt think I could move if I tried which I desperately had been trying. I relaxed my

facial muscles and concentrated on my arm. To my relief, the area that the stranger had held and

inserted the whatever-it-was into was hurriedly chasing away the pain. Within seconds, my entire

right forearm up to her wrist felt only the static-like tingling of the medication. I could feel the

fluid traveling through my with each beat of my heart, bringing the sensation of numbness where

it went up my arm, across my chest to the other arm, and down the spine where it branched

apart to satisfy both legs.

I finally opened my eyes and tested the lights brightness, careful not to nearly blind

myself as I had the lights measured through my previously closed eyes. Though my sight was

still rather blurred, I could make out the silhouette of the woman between my face and the lights,

blocking a large portion of them from reaching my eyes. I felt nothing but pain at this point.

I predicted that the nurse had refilled whatever pain medicine I must have been hooked

up to because now I felt no pain at all. Only calm. I finally opened my eyes fully. I saw a black-

haired, skinny nurse standing over me. She was putting the medicine away and smiling at me

slightly.

Now you wont feel any pain, she assured me. I hoped not. I turned my head a bit, and

saw that my family was sitting to my left. My mom and dad were there, but I remembered that I

did not have siblings. My parents looked extremely sad and simultaneously relieved. You might

not remember any of thi s, unfortunately. Theres a chance you will, but its unlikely. You have

bad memory loss, I suspect. Its common with TBIs like the one

TBI?


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Traumatic brain injury. I was going to say like the one that you have. Youll probably

forget the accident, waking up from the coma, me, being here, and even going home, which

youll do in a few days since youre awake now and you can do outpatient therapy.

My mom interrupted as normal, I remembered, to say, Actually, were going to Ohio

after this, so the week after.

I didnt want to remember it if it caused this much pain anyway. I didnt want to at all. I

tested myself to see how much I still remembered. I knew my name (Maria Lester), my birthday

(November 22, 1995), how old I last I thought I was (17 turning 18), what color my eyes and hair

were (both brown after everyone else in the family). I checked if I still had a tattoo of an intricate

purple elephant and donkey head on my upper left arm (I did). What memory loss were they

talking about ? I feared Id find out soon.

Whats wrong with me? I asked to anyone in the room who would answer me. What

happened to me?

My dad took a deep breath and answer ed me: You fell from your friends balcony rail.

Apparently you were sitting there as normal, and you fell.

I remembered it all except ever sitting there or falling. I remembered going on Fridays. I

remembered everyone else who mustve been there (Dest iny, Derek, Matthew, Ned, and Nick).

Its always the same six there. Those six only, except Derek was sometimes not there.

Unfortunately, I didnt remember that night at all. I inspected my body. There was a bump on my

throat, scar on my stomach, and vario us tubes were sticking out of my left arm. I wasnt wearing

anything else but scrubs and something a little rough around her waist. It was most likely an


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adult diaper in case, but I didnt want to check because there so many were other people in the

room.

But Im afraid of heights. I couldnt have sat there.

We know you are, sweetie, said mom. Thats why we and most of the doctors assume

it was on purpose.

I ignored her blaming. They wouldnt do that. What year is it? I asked anybody in the

room.

My mom answered this one. Its still 2013. Dont you remember?

Ah. I wanted to make sure. The date?

October 11th, I think, dad answered, pulling out his white phone to check. Yup.

And when was the accident?

The early morning of August 17. T he weekend right before you were going to college.

All the way across the state. Think about somewhere closer? Like Southern Kentucky

College?

The nurse spoke this time. You know its usually hard for the family too.

You have no idea, said mom with tears in her eyes. They hadnt fallen yet.

Hey, while Im awake, can I eat something? I asked. I was unusually hungry for a

change.

Sure! answered my dad. What do you want?


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I thought for a second. Maybe a burger. Thatd be good.

Right away! my dad almost yelled before hurrying out with my mother, who was still

fighting the tears.

I looked at the nurse and asked her calmly, So what in the world happened to me?

The nurse, still filling the medicine, frowned, and told me, Theres a lot of dama ge on

your head, so we assume it was banged. Hard apparently. So I immediately felt my head. I had

only just now come to know that my long, brown hair had been shaved off. There was a bit of

hard throbbing, and a couple of tangible scars. It was so long and thick that it took 4 blades and

2 nurses to shave.

Ignoring the last part, I concentrated on the first half. Are the doctors sure? Could it

have been a fall?

HmmIts possible, she answered a minute later, holding my x -ray to the light. Your

x-ray shows some heavy damage. Way too much for banging on the front. Plus, the damage was

only ever on the left side. It couldve been a fall if it was on wood only.

The deck below that house actually is wooden. The one right below the deck I fell

from.

Then I really dont know.

One more thing. I paused for a minute, unsure of whether or not I should proceed. Am

I dead?

The nurse was surprised. Of course not, sweetie! Why would I be here if you were? she

asked with tears in her eyes.


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To this, I s miled. Maybe youre dead too I said with a shrug. I figured the nurse knew

that I was kidding about that because she smiled and chuckled a little at this.

The nurse patted me on the head a few times and said, Itll all be ok. I promise. I had a million

and one, but I didnt ask any to the nurse. Instead, I stayed there and waited for my mom and dad

silently.

When my parents came back a few minutes later, they were carrying an open Styrofoam

box with an opened hamburger in it presumably from the hospital. I opened it, and the burger

was exactly how I liked it: without pickles and mustard. They knew me so well. I reached out

with my left hand (my right arm and leg didnt work, and I just noticed they were in casts) and

grabbed a slice.

I took one bite, and said, So good! Thanks!

Youre very welcome, said my dad with a smile.

I finished the cheesy goodness before I asked. So what are we doing next?

Well, said my mom, since youre finally awake, we were planning to go to your

cousins houses in Ohio. Were going to stay at Michael and Aarons as usual, and Andy and

Alyssa will visit almost every day. Well go there sometimes.

I groaned. Do we have to ?

Yes, my mom told me. We already said we would.

Well, whyd you do that? I wanted to know somewhat angrily.


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I thought itd be nice for you to see your cousins. And your aunt stayed with you here a

lot. I already said we would go there as a thank you. She almost stayed as much as myself. But

its fine if you dont want to, I suppose.

I looked a bit upset, looked down shrugged, and said, Fine. Whatever. Well go.

My mom smiled a little, nudged him with elbow, and said to him, Typical teenage

attitude. Why dont you want to go?

Im really homesick and want to stay home now, I said. Ive been here for how

long?

Two months, today, my dad said.

It doesnt matter, though, well go, I groaned.

Well go home first to pack, my dad said. Then well go to Ohio.

One more thing, the nurse interrupted. You may or may not remember this, before, orafter ever. Not even meeting me at all.

Thats not what I wanted to hear at all. Turning to the nurse, Whats your name?

My nurse tapped on her nametag that said Ivy.

Oh, said Maria. Well nice to meet you, Ivy. I wish the circumstances were better,

though.


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She smiled at this. Nice to meet you too, the nurse said softly. Dont you worry.

Everything will be fine. She patted me on the head. The nice lady spoke again. I know you

have the strength in you to be perfectly fine again. Dont you have faith?

Not even before the accident, but especially not after this Always been an atheist, I

guess

Well, trust me. Youll be great soon, Ivy said.

Hope so, I almost whispered.

Right then, the nurse grabbed a plastic, blue box (most likely the bedpan) at the end of

the bed and left the room. I yawned as soon as she was out of the door.

Why are you so tired? my mom wanted to know with her hands on her hips. Havent

you done enough sl eeping in two months?

Ha. Freaking. Ha. I was getting sarcastic now, but serious when I remembered

something important. Wheres our dog, Leroy? Whos watching him?

Dont you remember? He passed before your accident this summer. He went in late

May . Right after graduation. Dont you at least remember that?

No, I dont. I replied almost crying with my face in my hands. Howd he go?

Old age, my dad told me. His heart just wasnt able to take it anymore. You said thats

why you wanted to be a humans cardiologist instead of a computer engineer. Dont you still

want to?


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I guess I do. They make a ton of money, I wiped the tears. I really wasnt too sure now.

Hopefully Ill be better by college and med school. I laid my head back, and closed I eyes. As

my head hit the pillow, something came to my mind. I asked my parents, What happened about

my college? Am I still accepted there?

Well since your accident was about a week before college, and youre fine now

youre still good for AMU in the spring, my mom explained.

What if I cant make this year?

They said youre still fine for next year since we already paid, mom said. But Im not

sure about next year. Try to go this coming one.

It still didnt answer everything, but I didnt say an ything at all to anyone, but laid my

head down to sleep.

I only remember all of that now, but not back then.


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2)

88 Days Before- Late Afternoon

Next thing I knew, I was in a car on the highway. Based on the interior, I knew it was my

dads blue Honda. I had on a red long -sleeve, black sweatpants, and something rough between

my legs. I was in the back seat with my mom, and my dad was driving. My long brown hair had

been shaved off.


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Where are we going? I asked. I noticed how strange my voice was. It was, like

crackling.

My mother groaned loudly. I told you already. Were going to Ohio.

Am am I dead?

For the second time on this trip alone, NO, my mother yelled a little at the end.

To this, I got a little angry. Dont yell at me! Especially because I dont know

something. I paused for a breath before shouting again. And I know Im dead! Watch this!

I unbuckled the seat belt, and tried to open the car door, but it wouldnt budge. Why wont this

door open? I shouted angrily.

Neither of my parents bothered to look at me. Their faces showed a little concern, but not

enough to stop me.

Mom! Why wont this fracking door open? Answer me!

We put a child safety lock on it after last time, mom said. A couple days ago, you said

something about you being dead. And then you opened it! Good thing you had your seatbelt on!

I had no memory of trying to open the door.

So if Im not dead, what happened?

My mom explained, You were sitting on the rail as usual and you fell.

I didnt ever sit up there though, I said, confused. Whats the date?


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She let out another sigh. Thats why we thought it was on purpose. Until you said that

you have memory loss of the whole summer, and they said you started sitting there in late May ,

2013. Now were not too sure whos right.

But Im YOUR daughter. Therefore, Im always correct.

Um I dont know about that. Remember the times you g uessed who would win the

soccer games wrong?

ONE TIME, I yelled.

Four times! she replied, almost yelling a little at me.

But those were the only times! Bef ore she could say anything else, I asked my dad.

How much longer is it then? I put my seat belt back on.

My dad finally spoke up. Well be there in a minute. Dont you remember that sign?

I looked out of my window to see an actual truck on a billboard-height platform. Thetruck said Toms New and Used Trucks It looked pretty familiar, but I was unsure if I truly

recalled it, to be honest.

Oh! I said a few seconds later when it finally to me, and I said with a smile, Thats

where mom cra-- I mean, where that other lady crashed into mom, right?

Well, its true! She did! Thats really what happened!

Ok mom, Im agreeing with you here. You need to chillax!

Oh, you young people and your slang. What does that even mean?


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I was so confused at this point. How long are we staying then? I thought it was only a

few days.

Were planning for four days, at least. Longer if you want, answered dad from the

door.

Nah. It was partly because I didnt want to bug them. Can we stay two?

Sure, but why?

I havent been home for how long? I asked.

You were just there today! my uncle said.

Ok, well go tomorrow evening then,

Lets go in, my uncle said Then he started shouting up to the patio. Michael! Aaron!

Come over here and help her inside while I take the bags in!

Aaron and Michael (Everyone but their parents said it that way, even though Michael was

older.) made their ways down the stairs. They hurried more than I remembered. Usually, they

took forever to get anywhere. I still think that they ran because of me needing their help.

When they got to me, they each put one of my arms around their necks, and they tried to

pick me up. After watching them struggle to keep me up the first time, I said, You can put your

arms around my waist, you know. I dont bite. Then I sat back down, exhausted from trying to

stand with no success.

Oh really? whispered Aaron. Remember Christmas Eve of 2001?


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I cant believe you still remember that, I whispered back.

How could I not? You left scars! he got a little bit louder that ti me, but still kept his

voice down enough that he was inaudible to his parents.

I didnt do it that hard!

I meant emotional scars, he complained a little.

You want some cheese with that whine? I was almost starting to care about him until

he said something that made me mad.

If I did, youd take a bite of it.

I balled my hands into firsts. I tried punching him in the stomach with my right arm (my

main arm), but it only went in almost slow- motion and bounced off his abs. He didnt bend down

or rub it at all.

Ow, he said sarcastically. That hurt SO much!

Michael finally spoke up, And Im standing here, watching yall complain like you guys

usually do. He told me, Well, lets see her stand by herself then.

I struggled to stand, and Aaron said after about a minute more Lets take you in now.

This is killing me to watch, Aaron said. They put their arms around my stomach and lifted me

up. Now well walk. Then he whispered to me, Please dont fall. My parents are watching.

I looked up, and they were standing by their car in their garage. Naturally, I took

advantage of that situation. I went limp, moved my arms from their necks, yelled for help, and

fell. I landed softly on the driveway, inches away from the soft grass where I planned to go. My


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uncle and aunt came out of the garage, yelled my name, and ran to me. First, I smiled evilly at

Aaron. I stopped smiling when they got there and started rubbing my knees (They didnt even

touch the ground at all)

I wasnt in pain, but I did it since I could use a free massage. It was somewhat mean, Ill

admit, but theyre the ones who wanted to help me. Its not as if I wanted his help. Besides, I

didnt even land on my knees.

Aaron said, That faker did it on purpose! She even smiled at

Thats enough of your excuses, his mother scolded.

I was actually slightly happy on the inside. It wasnt entirely his fault. It mustve been

the wind, too.

Their father put one finger in his mouth, then straight up in the air. Its very, very light,

thou gh.

I shrugged a little. It mustve been a sudden gust.

Aaron spoke again, It mustve been a sudden lie!

Thats enough, Aaron, said their mom. We dont really care what happened as long as

shes alright.

Confession time, I said. I really did fall on purpose and didnt get hurt. Sorry, but

thats the truth. It was me.

Well, thats fine. As long as youre ok. It wasnt entirely his fault.


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Wasnt my fault at all, you mean? Aaron corrected, mad. You guys, not ten seconds

ago, you guys blamed me for dropping her, and she even admitted she did it was on purpose! But

of course, Im still wrong!

Will you stop blaming her for everything now?

But ugh! Im sick of always being wrong compared to you, Maria! he basically

yelled. He was smiling a little bit the whole time.

Thats not nice at all! I said, pretending to be sad and with a pout.

Oh, you know Im kidding. Obviously we all love you and stuff.

I could tell that he only added the and stuff part to take away from the aw kwardness

that he simply admitted that he loved me. So I returned the favor after that.

Well, I love you too! I knew he and his brother were waiting for me to add the and

stuff part, so I didnt say it.

Well? he waited.

Well what? Im sorry that I do. It doesnt seem weird to me because Im such a

girl (according to what he said to his brother once right in front of me). I said while giving him

a hug. I whispered in his ear mid- hug, I really hate you so much.

I know. I do too, he whispered back to me. Now get off me. You smell horrible.

So then, I pulled his hair before letting go. He closed his eyes, scrunched his face. &

grabbed at it. It obviously hurt him. He stuck out his tongue at me. I looked over my left shoulder


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at his parents. Luckily, they had both turned around, so I stuck up my middle fingers at him. It

was a quick flash, and then I put them down.

Well, thats not very lady -like, he told me. And do that again, right now. So our

parents can see that.

No, thank you. And I take a lot of pride in not being very lady -like, thank you very

much. I told him.

If only you were lady -like at all! he said.

`Like you? I retorted, smiling. After seeing that he wouldnt say anything back to my

cleverness, I said, I wish you would at least pretend to be your proper gender, like me

So then you admit that youre simply pretending? His smile was ear to ear now.

Sure, but even as a dude, Im still smarter than you. You know its true.

He was still thinking of some smart comment back to me.

Lets get her up again, said Michael with his arms crossed and left foot tapping. I

forgot he was here again. Michael was the least talkative one in the whole family. His parents

never let us forget it either. Almost every time they all came over to our house, they said with a

smile, Hes so silent. To be honest, it was a little bit nice. They would always kid that the older

brother took all of the talking parts (traits) left after the older (Mi chael) was born. Michael,

admittedly, was better at sports. He ran track for the last 3 years. Apparently, Michael only got a

little bit of talking traits. Even though they dont know anything remotely medical, Im starting

to think it true.


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Lets go then. What are waiting for? I asked them.

Oh, you know. The bus, answered Aaron, very sarcastically. Its obvious!

I turned again, and they still werent watching. Lifting my right hand slow, and with

difficulty, I tried to punch his stomach. Fortunately for him, it barely reached his shirt, and

tapped his abs a bit.

Ow, he said more heavily sarcasm than he usually talks with. That really hurt so

much .

I went to again with my left hand. I couldnt do it because his parents were standing next

to me. So I made out as if I was yawning by putting both hands up. They bought it.

Tired? he asked, smiling.

Maybe tired of trying to pun

Nope. Apparently, I had a long nap in the car, I interrupted

And a 2 month nap in the hospital," he whispered to hi mself, but I could still hear him.

Not. Nice. Not at all, I knew he was kidding so I made an effort to look angry.

Oh, Im sorry. I didnt know your ears were working. See? Youre fine. I still wanted

to punch him, until he said something that made me love him again for the first time in few

years, Its like I said that time I He whispered into my ear, and I couldnt be mad at him

anymore-- cried for you.

Well I really appreciate that. I really did too.


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His mom (not caring at all for the fact that we were finally getting along) said, Lets go

in already. Its starting to rain.

I held my left hand out and felt two or three raindrops. Their dad came to take me inside

this time. He was a lot stronger than his sons were. As soon as we got past where Aaron was, I

stuck my tongue at him. He stuck his tongue back out at me.


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Comfortable? asked Uncle Alex.

Right as I was about to answer when Aaron interrupted me with some kidding: Yeah, I

guess so. Its not very big, but I can probably make this work.

Then he smiled that Im so much smarter than everybody else smile and sat down with

Michael. Each of them sat down on either side of me.

Michael said, You want to play our game console then?

Cant, I said depressed. Its mostly my fracking hand.

Fracking? Who says fracking? Michael asked.

I looked and my uncle was busy fixing the TVs wires in front of me. I pointed secretly in

his direction with my good hand and explained, I do!

Aaron cupped his hand to my ear and whispered, I really dont give a damn.

I spoke back to him, You wouldnt be whispering if you really didnt.

He sat up and said quite loudly, I really dont give a damn. My dad doesnt care

anymore Then, when I thought that he couldnt possibly get louder, he yelled: Isnt that right,

old man?

Their dad turned around and pointed at Aaron. Hey, dont call me old man, alright?

Im only 48!

And a half, Michael pointed out very loudly. Thats the first time Id ever heard his

age.


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He smiled and shook his head at this, I know it. I had to have gone terribly wrong

somewhere.

Or terribly right ! Michael corrected.

Still smiling, Uncle Alex went to the stairs and went up. Before he went up, he stop

almost halfway and said, See how Marias behaving? THATS why I shouldve had a

daughter.

The whole time they were arguing, Michael and I were silent and listening to them in

awkwardness. I had to agree: the worst girls are still a lot better than the best boy. This argument

was exactly the proof he needed. When his father was gone, he yelled with his face in his hands,

hitting his head with almost every word, God. Damn! I hate him. So! Much! He hit his head in

his hands every time he said a word.

Why? I wondered. Hes always nice to me.

And to me, Michael backed me up.

Hes nice to everybody except me! Then he said something that concerned me a lot,

Im glad his jobs making go deaf! He needs to get worse, not better! Then he screamed into

his hands.

You know, hate hurts the person doing the hating. This is going to be killing you.

Meanwhile, our dad is completely fine and just going about his day, his brot her said.

I know, but shut up!


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Oh, thats a really great comeback. Whered you get it? The lame comeback store? said

Michael.

About every single thing that both of them fought about ended with Shut up and The

lame comeback store. I couldnt think of one single argument of theirs that didnt end that way.

Come on, lets go to church, boys! their father yelled from upstairs.

Oh please, Aaron said quietly to us. Going to church doesnt automatically make you

a good person. And if this God is really all -knowing and all - powerful, then why dont I

have girlfriend by now?

Michael (who I know is yet another atheist) smiled and joked, Have you tried praying

harder?

Ive been praying for a girlfriend ever since I was born.

I dont think any girl wouldve wanted you then either. You were all covered in our

Mom. And thats the last time you ever touched one.

Aaron shuddered a bit at the thought of this. What about you, Maria?

Immediately, I answered by yelling, No, I wil l not! With you? Especially not! Even if

we werent re

No, I didnt mean that! Gross! I meant, are you still ayou know. Then he shuddered.

Thats really gross, you know.

Either way, you lose, you know, Michael told me. Youre either easy or youre hard.


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No, I havent, and Im impossible, ok?

But will you ever, or wait until youre married? Aaron asked.

Why do you even care? I was actually beginning to get just a little angry with him at

that point.

Its actually a pretty good question, Michael said. You should answer that. Even Im a

little bit curious now.

Nope. Till the day I die.

Why? He turned towards Aaron and said very quietly behind my back, Youre right.

She is, actually.

Just no interest And Im what?

Oh, nothing at all. He meansthatyoure our favorite cousin.

Dont lie to me! Then turning towards Aaron, Whatd you really mean?

Nothing! He turned to his left side and spoke under his breath, Just that youre

insane.

Am not! I take offense to that!

We stood there in silence for a minute, unsure of what to say next.

Then a second later, their dad came back down and complained from the stairs. Lets

go! After church, I have to go to the factory for work. Im sure he only said the factory so that


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I would k now where he worked. Otherwise, he wouldve just told his sons that hes going to

work. I really need to work on that testing again today, so hurry up!

Then why dont you just skip church? I asked him. If he were really in a hurry, he

wouldnt go to it .

He shrugged, Oh, I suppose one day will be ok. But if I go to Hell, you guys will be to

blame! It bugged me a little how much he agreed with me.

Why are you upset with us? What about Maria? Shes the one who suggested it, he

said. I looked at his fa ce. It was smiling when he looked at me. And how will we even know if

you do? Do you know what happened to your dad?

Their father didnt really care , as usual, so he just walked back up the black carpeted

stairs. We stayed there on the couch in awkwardness. None of us could really say anything to

paper over the weirdness of what just happened.

Then after a minute, Michael said, Lets go up, then.

But its not even dinnertime yet. Its only, looking at my watchfive -thirty, I

said.

By the time we get up there, itll actually be time for dinner, he told me.

Well, sorry for taking up so much of your time then!

The two boys each put an arm around me, and each of mine around their necks.

On three. Aaron started counting, 1, 2 then they picked me up on, 3.


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They walked me over to the foot of the stairs. When I got there, my dad and Uncle Alex

came downstairs, laughing to each other. Apparently, they came to take me upstairs.

Then when they saw me, my father yelled, Maria! You shouldve waited for one of us.

Youre cousins are young. They arent nearly strong enough to walk you!

Hey! they both said.

Hey! I said a little bit. I was legitimately quite mad at this. Are you calling me fat?

Apparently, Aaron and found this funny because they were both smiling and were on the

edge of laughing.

And Im completely fine. I thought I would have a little fun with all of them again. I

found an empty space where I wouldnt get hurt at all. Whoa, Im falling! I faked again.

Unfortunately, they were ready to catch me when I pretended to fall again. Even when I

struggled to fall, they held onto me tightly.

Nice try. You cant pretend this time, Aaron told me.

Are you calling me a faker?

I mean, if the shoe fits, Michael said.

Barely, Aaron joked.

I turned toward Aaron on my right. Hey! Im only an 8! I said.

Just as I said that, I looked up to see that my dad and uncle were standing directly in front

of me. They each took turns switching spots with Michael and Aaron.. The two boys waited on


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the floor of the basement, frowning and secretly talking about something that I couldnt hear.

Michael moved his mouth in a way that resembled Maria near the beginning of one sentence,

and his brother smiled, nodded, and pointed his thumb in my direction.

We went up the stairs then. I didnt even want to pretend to fall with those two. Since the

stairs were barely big enough for two of us, so Uncle Alex walked directly behind me. It made

me uneasy when anyone walked behind me on stairs. Especially older family members. I

managed to get my focus back on climbing the stairs.

Only one of us could get through the door: Dad or me. He held my right hand so that I

wouldnt fall, and, keeping my left on the doorway, pointed at me, and joked, Stay, like he

usually does (as if I could go anywhere independently now). And he went through the open door.

I followed once he was through the doorway. Surprisingly, I didnt lose my balance while he was

just holding my hand.

Ok, you can move here now. he motioned for me to come. I turned my head for a little

while, took a peek down; Uncle Alex was staring at his feet, and then looked up to make eye

contact and smiled. After making eye contact for about a few seconds, he looked away to his

right at the basement; I looked past him at Michael and Aaron, who were yet talking at the foot

of the stairs.

Dad took me down the narrow hallway, holding me by my shoulders in front. He took me to the

living room and sat me down on the blue, two-person loveseat (Even though my uncle and aunt

were done with that love nonsense, and they never agreed on anything except the fact that

marriage was always a mistake.)


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Not ours specifically, but just marriages in general, theyd both joke with me individually.

Well, at least I hoped they were joking. They werent exactly very close anymore. Im sure

they were having some problem, to tell you the truth. Hopefully, they were joking about a

divorce.

So Maria, what is your future plan now? my aunt asked with that fake smile of hers. Still

going to be a doctor?

I dont even know anymore. And I really didnt have a clue. When did I say I wanted to be

doctor? And what kind of doctor did I say I want to be again? I think you wanted to be

whatever a heart doctor is called.

A cardiologist, mom and I said together. Then my mom added, Mostly because Leroy died of

heart problems.

What?! I thought he was at the sitters like usual because we left the state. When did he die? I

asked devastated.

Sometime last June. You were really upset over it.

Well. I replied bawling into my left hand, sniffling every four words or so. Well now, I get to

be upset about it again .

My mom tried to comfort me. Oh sweetie, its ok. There, there. Its the circle of life. Then she

covered my ears and whispered to my aunt, thinking I couldnt hear her, I never liked him

anyway.

I sat up properly and said, I heard that! Why didnt you?


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She was still facing my aunt, but turned her head. Well of course you liked him. You didnt

have to clean up after thatfilthy, filthy creature.

Still! Thats no excuse not to at least miss him!

Dont get me wrong. I do miss him. She hugged me harder. I hated seeing you getting all torn

up that much.

I looked up at her, and asked her, Whatd I say?

You said something along the lines of your whole life revolves around death. And you were

miserable for about a week. You were still sad for a littl e more than that, actually.

I pulled myself together after one final sniffle, and I sat up to start talking to them again. Well

its not false, is it now?

And in April, Aunt Cassy passed away. You at least know that, right?

Yeah, I do. I didnt b other crying because I never really liked that woman, but I never told mymom that because Aunt Cassy was her only sibling. Its mostly because she was always pretty

emotionally abusive. She didnt try to be unpleasant by any means, but that doesnt mean t hat

she wasnt. Even though I didnt like her, I still think she died too early. She was only 47.


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4)

39 Days Before- Evening

At dinner that night (chicken), after thinking about the fact that living things are cooped

up and killed for our own enjoyment, I decided, for the first time, I would go vegetarian because

I didnt want to feel personally responsible for it. No more chickens, cows, pigs, or any living

thing for me.

When I told my aunt I was going vegetarian, she was rather happy that somebody else in

the family was finally a vegetarian.

Alright! Thats another person who agrees that eating meat is bad! my aunt said, excited.

Ok, but may I ask why? my mother asked.

I didnt speak but for about a minute because I didnt really know how to put it. I didnt want to

ruin meat for my parents. Except right then, I really stopped caring about my family, and I told

Mom, Think about those poor animals. Being cooped up for their whole lives only to get killed

for our enjoyment. And we dont even appreciate it! You know what? We dont appreciate them

at all. We only pray for

You know what? my uncle interrupted me. Thats a good point. Ill think do it, too.

Me too, Michael agreed.


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But I think she means that she wont do it, at least. my uncle correctly told his younger son.

And one person is better than none. Besides, weve got -- he counted with his handSix and

vegetarians now.

Sure. Dont listen to me. And I know what youll say about me yelling and complaining, too:

Typical woman, she said with the air quotes. Then after a little break, she said And I know

youre trying so hard not laugh right now!

I looked around, and all of the guys, even the two dads were indeed trying to hold in their

laughter. I couldnt help but giggle a little. After I chuckled ever so slightly, they busted out with

it.

Still laughing, Dad said, See? Even Maria laughed! And shes a girl!

Just now getting done with laughing, Aaron said, Well, we dont kn ow that for sure, do we? She

could easily be pretending.

Umm no, shes not, said mom.

Well how do you know? Michael asked. Then his mom smacked him on the back of the

head and shook her own. What? he asked his mom. Its not liked I asked for her to prove it.

Thats fine, actually. Everybody has no choice, anyway, I said. Its not like Aaron and I chose

to be girls. We had no say in it at all.

He looked at me with an angry pout. I scrunched my face, smiled back, and shook my head

quickly at him while doing it a little.

And I know because I changed her, mom added, getting personal.


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Dad coughed to interrupt, and said, turning his head away from my mom, And me.

I think I did more.

Only because I had to work. He moved his eyes away from her. Someone had to have a job,

I could tell that Dad was starting to get a bit mad, but he still took a big bite of the poultry.

Oh, Im so sorry that you made me have a baby. And youre absolutely right. I shouldve saved

her diapers until

Ok! I finally interrupted. So-- trying desperately to change the topicnice food. The

salad had finally gotten here while I was busy talking. I didnt even try it yet, but I moved my

fork over the bowl, tried to change the topic. This is really tasty! I sa id somewhat loud while

faking a smile. I had nothing else, admittedly.

My aunt smiled and sat down. After a little longer than a minute, my mom had something

somewhat unfortunate to say. Honey, you can be whatever you want, you know. I could tell

she was simply talking to have something finally said.

I thought for a long minute. What if I want to be in the military?

They didnt say anything. Mom finally said, Then sure, on the verge of crying yet again.

Whatever you want.

I placed my head in my hands. Though I really wanted to scream, and wanted to do it harder than

Ive ever done before attempted, I didnt do it. I really couldnt stand to hear that term anymore:,

whatever you want. Family was going to say it more often after the accident. I know it.


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I got sick of talking about it with them. Honestly, thats all they said now. I really hated having

everything go my way. For once, I wished they told me what to do. They were meeting every

single one of my demands, yet I still wasnt happy.

Maria,are you sure you wanna do that? asked Aunt Sasha after a quite a few seconds after I

talked. You know, you have a very promising future as a doctor. You shouldnt bother with the

military.

But I wanted to say something, but I changed my mind after that. Aunt Sasha finally started

eating her salad, so I also began to do it to my own.

The first of many , I thought as I consumed the almost tasteless rabbit food with my left hand.

How do people elect to eat this garbage? Theres no flavor at all to this!

After I was nearly done, I lied and said, This is pretty good, without even a hint of a smile.

How are there still vegetarians alive// today? I guess this is better than not having anything at

all A little bit better. But I said I was hungry, so I guess its too late change my mind now.

Well, Im glad someone appreciates my food!

I looked up at them. Well, gosh darn, Uncle Aaron was surprised. After that, his face

turned. Are you saying that I dont like it?

Im saying you dont normally. She turned, walked away, and whispered, And if the

shoe fits. Apparently, this was a common expression among that part of the family.

And mom, dad? I was a little tired of their fighting, but thats not why I said this. Can

we go home tomorrow?


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Why? asked Uncle Alex, still eating his chicken, and talking. Dont you like it here

now?

Thats not it at all! I said a little too loud. Im really homesick. I really dont

remember b eing home, even though it was earlier today, apparently.

Aaron finally said something, Let her go. Its what she fracking wants.

I was pretty taken aback by the fact that he agreed with me. This was definitely a first

time thing./

I smiled at this, You said my word.

My mom said from my left at the table, What? Fracking? Whered that come from?

Before I could talk, mom said, Actually, where the fracking did you get that from? Did I at

least say that right?

I made it up from a word that a good friend from high school, I said, intensively to hide

my smile, and I just barely succeeded. And no. You didnt, mom.

Which friend? asked my dad.

Oh, you dont know this person, I told them while looking down at my salad and smiling Then,

as soon as it had passed my lips, I was filled with regrets. I whispered at a volume that I thought

was too quiet for them to hear me. Apparently, they heard me say under my breath, You know

him, but youve never met him.

Him? Mom asked me, her eyebrows going up. Is this a boy you like? She began

smiling at this.


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I buried my face in my left hand and sighed. You know, not everything I do is motivated

by boys I like.

Nothing you do should be. This happens, then that h appens. Then boom! Youre

knocked up.

With my face still in my hand until the end of it, I said, Can we eat our God -awful food

now?

Uncle Alex had one last thing to say before we did, And Maria, you can say awful . Its

not hard.

Yeah! Have you no respect? Aaron said very sarcastically, smiling because he knows

Ive heard him say a lot worse. Then, turning toward his dad, said, Im sick of having her in the

family. I think she should be put up for adoption.

He looked at me, smiled, scrunched his face, and shook his head. I looked down at my

food, playing around with it again, hoping somebody would do something about the quiet in the

room.

And while you guys were busy talking, Aaron and I are mostly done, while yours only

have a few chunks ou t, Michael broke it. With that, everyone started eating again. Everybody

that is, except for me.

I could not possibly eat any more of that leafy crap, so I pushed it forward.

And cant we go home tomorrow? I asked my parents.


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Everybody was still and quiet now. There werent even sounds of forks scrapping against

the bottoms of the salad bowls or moving of chicken breasts.

Mom and Dad stared at me. After a minute, Dad said, Well, whatever you want.

Id had enough of that by then, leaned forward on the table and almost yelled, Stop

saying whatever you want!

Ok! Ok! he told me with his hands signaling a downward motion, telling me to calm

me down. If you say so.

I tried so hard to stay quiet now, but I barely could. Stop that, too. Saying that isnt any

better! Even after complaining (excessively loudly) about getting anything and everything I

wanted, they all were still trying to please me.

Cant we go home tomorrow? I repeated and then elaborated. Im really homesick. I know I

was j ust there today, but I dont remember it at all.

Alright, said Uncle Arthur. Its probably not healthy to stay away from somewhere youre

close too. And I thought you actually wanted to be here. My mistake. He looked down at his

chicken, smiling slightly the whole time.

And as soon as were done eating, well take back in that room, my mom said without looking

up from her food.

If you want to know the truth, Im starting to hate it now.


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6)

89 Days Before- Night

I slept in the living room on a mattress while that night while Aaron and Michael took thetwo sofas, and my parents slept upstairs. I mean, the adults had individually all asked me if I

wanted to be on a sofa instead, but I didnt want them to deal with t he trouble of lifting me on


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there. This, at least, was a lot easier to get on, and it was softer on my knees to land on them on

the mattress than to climb the couch on them.

Michael took the couch at my head, careful not to step on my face on his way there. Aaron took

the other one many feet away. Thats the first time that I noticed the blue ceiling this visit. It had

been white before. I guessed that they liked that color now, because they were both wearing blue

hoodies because the air conditioner was running now. It created unnecessary noise. Well, kind of

necessary. It was so hot that I thought I might start sweating right there..

Ok, were going up now, said Dad. Anything before we go upstairs?

Nope. Im fine.

Ok then, mom said. Goodnight! And dont wake up early this time!

This time? When did I last time? I leaned forward a little bit, and I saw her back as she left.

Then I requested that Michael go to get them. I asked him because I knew that Aaron would just

ask me Why? Instead, he si mply got them rather quickly.

What? asked my mom.

What is it? my dad said.

After spending a few seconds, I told them with a smile, I love you.

You called us back in here just for that?

You were supposed say we love you too, sweetie, but nope, I told them. Michael stepped

over my prone body carefully and went back to the sofa.


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We love, too, sweetie, the/y both said together.

As soon as they said that, they left. They were climbing up the stairs audibly when Michal said,

Ok wait for it We heard what I presumed was the last step because I didnt hear anymore

after that.

Ok, now lets play, whispered Aaron.

Why are you whispering? Michael said at a normal speaking volume. Well be up for a while

anyway. Besides, no one can hear as lon g as were talking quietly.

Then he put on some news show with the remote so black that you could barely see it in the

darkness. He turned the volume up a little so we could barely hear it.

Nothing goods even going to be on, I explained quickly. Its a little after 11.

Screw it then, he whispered right before he turned it off. Then, just one second later, he said

Actually He turned the news back on. As soon as he did, there was a very quiet clip of a gun

fired by a man dressed fully in camouflag e for a demonstration. Eh its better than nothing.

Ill never understand why people choose to go in any branch of the military, Michael said

probably forgetting that I was, too. Because he said this, I glared intensively at him. He was still

watchin g TV. Dont they know theyre going to die?

I forced both of my hands into tight fists. I was still staring angrily at him. I knew that I shouldnt

be mad since he didnt mean that every life was done as over as you enlisted, but hed certainly

heard me say it. After a few more seconds of staring angrily at him, I confessed, Maybe some

people want to die.


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I think the guy that did it just didnt like that a white dude was beating a foreign minority. And

he was born and raised here, might I add. Michael pointed out just a second before turning the

TV off and shushing us. Then, he very quietly whispered, Someones coming.

Once we had all put our heads down quickly, we all pretended we had been sleeping all along.

Right then, some guy (we could only tell by the heavy noise of the footsteps from the hall)

entered the room. We tried desperately not to move. Through my closed eyelids, I saw that he

turned on some sort of light.

He stood there for a few seconds, and then he started snickering under his breath. I knew he was

only doing it to make me laugh. Tried as I might, I couldnt help but chuckle a bit. Ugh! I fell

for his trap . I could hear the boys noses as they were trying hard not to laugh, but somewhat

losing.

Uh-huh. I thought you were sleeping, my dads voice started saying at a very low volume

while trying not to laugh.

When he said this, both of my cousins actually laughed pretty loudly.

And you dont even usually snore at home, he continued.

How do you know I didnt just start now?

I know because Im a dad! Therefore, I know everything.

Except how tie a tie, I whispered while he was still saying the next thing.

For example, I know you should sleep now.


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7)

The next morning, my dad had awoken me early, and he had woken me up hard. He was

all dressed up, but still had a bit of sleep in his eyes. He put his hand softly over my mouth so I


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didnt get too loud and wake the boys. He motioned for me to get up. Getti ng on my knees, I put

my left arm around his shoulders and neck, and stood up.

Lets go home now, he whispered. Then he quickly put a finger up to my lips and said.

Shh as I was opening my mouth to say something. So I put my arms up around him as he

stood, and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. After struggling and failing to get me up

for about a minute, he said, Youre sleeping on the sofa from now on.

I put all of my effort into standing up. After almost a whole minute, I finally did. I

immediately turned and headed towards the front door. When I was almost there, I heard

something on the stars. It was mom walking down them. She got to the door first, and held it

open for us.

When we finally reached her at the door, she held a finger to her lips as well to shut me

up. I mouthed, I know while simultaneously managing to look a tad angry with her. We

reached the car, and Dad started put me in the back seat.

I asked, Cant I just sit in the front? I always ride shotgun. Then I added, uns ure of what freaky

universe we were currently residing in, I wont open the door again. I promise. Even though I

dont remember the first time I did I trailed off a bit in the end there.

Then they looked at each other, and my dad shrugged to my mom. My mom looked angry and

shook her head at him. When she turned and started for the other backdoor when my dad shook

his fist at her. Then, he stuck out his tongue at her.

I whispered to him, Hey, you married her.

He whispered back, presumably because he didnt want Mom to hear, Mistake.


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He smiled before, while, and after putting me in the back seat, and then said in addition in a

hushed voice, Dont ever make a mistake like I did.

I smiled at this and said very silently. Oh, dont worry. I love him. Right as I said it, I regretted

it. I mean I will love him.

Because I said that, he crossed his arms, but still he was smiling. Now Im starting to think you

really love a boy. Come on, who is he?

What? I asked, pretending not to hear him.

Who isthis b

What? I repeated hoping to throw him off.

I said who is this boy that

Are you coming or not? Mom shouted from inside the back of the car.

I was internally so happy that she interrupted us. I really didnt want to talk about it at all

anym ore. The reason I didnt want to tell them that I loved this guy was not just because both of

our parents hated each other; we didnt care at all about that. Ive just never really been crazy

about talking about boys I like with anybody. Like, like-like. Ok, Ill admit: love. Weve even

said it to each other a few times.

Dad swung me around a little. After I sat down, I asked my mom, So what are we gonna do

now?

Well, youre starting rehabilitation when we get home, she explained, moving over slightly

and patting the seat to tell me to move down one, so I did.


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I closed my eyes as soon as I got to the spot. Oh, and by the way mom? So do I have your

permissions to go into the army?

Once youre better you can do anything you want. Youll be completely free from us, There

were tears beginning to form in her right eye as this left her mouth.

I really hated hearing that I could do whatever I pleased now. I mean, although it would have

been nice to hear normally, I despised it with a passion now because of my injury. Just once, Id

like for them to tell me what to do.

So then, I just decided to close my eyes, and I tried to go to sleep for a few minutes.

Apparently, it was effective because by the time I opened them again, we were pulling

into our driveway at home. My mom was crumpling up a paper burger bag from my third or

fourth favorite fast- food restaurant, Burger Haven. It used to have another e to make

Heaven, but it had to be removed due to political correctness. I mean, thats not offensive at

all. I actually still find it more offensive that they were closed not just on Sundays, but ANY day

at all. But did they do anything about that? No, they dont. Thats acceptable though apparently

because thats their choice.

Why didnt you ask me if I wanted anything? You know I love that place!

Mom looked up from folding the other bag and said with air- quotes, We did ask you if

you wanted something. You said No, not hungry. Im already eating a burger in your sleep.

Well then, couldnt you tell that I was asleep?

Now, Dad started talking, We did assume, but I thought that you would be pretty full

from that burger you were already most of the way through. Thats


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Thats just hilarious, Dad, I said. So funny.

I try, I try, he was still smiling when he said this. Lets go in.

Ironically, though, Im not hungry at all. And dont say its because of that burger.

Dad smiled, Ok, ok! Whatev Then he stopped. I just knew what he was ready to say.

I mean, If you say so.

I groaned inc redibly loudly. I knew what he was going to say. If you say so is just as

bad. I pointed out. You know, we should go inside now. What are we waiting for?

Were waiting for the bus, of course, joked mom. Was this a common saying now or

something?

Just as I was set to respond with my incredibly witty comment, mom said in my place (as

usual), Well, lets go then.

Dad took me from my car seat, up the four wooden steps, and inside the house. We stood before a white-walled, white-ceilinged, and now green-carpeted room with our three-person

couch and a blue armchair facing the television. Much to my chagrin, the carpet was a different

color. Its not that I didnt like the color, but that I wasnt used to it.

When did we change the carpet from black? I asked as Dad and I moved to the sofa.

You even picked it! Months before your injury, too, said my mom. We decided that

black and white was so early -1960s.

As much as I wasnt used to it, I had to admit, it looked a lot better like this.


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But thats the decade you and dad were born in! I found myself explaining pretty

loudly.

Exactly! she said. It reminds me of my age.

Oh mom, you still have over half a life ahead of you, I assured her with one hand on

her shoulder.

Yes, but you ha ve all of yours. Come here, she said before scooting a little bit to the

right towards me. She placed both of her hands on my head and made a fake vacuuming noise. I

smiled when she did this before smacking her hands off. Give some to me!

No! I yelled, joking and smiling . I like living!

To this, my mom said, You should love it.

Meh. Lifes ok. Kind of overrated, to be honest, I said a second before looking at her,

and smiling to inform her that it was meant to be a joke. Even though Id said it f airly

sarcastically, I have to admit, what I had just told them wasnt completely false per se. Oh, but

Id never do it if only because suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem as wed

learned in Health class in 11 th grade. Besides, Im cur ious as to how the future ends up turning

out. Hopefully itll be for the best. I didnt have faith in much, but this was always probable.

She scrunched up her face and shook her head at me.

I ignored this and went back to being miserable with my head in m y hands. I mean, its

not like my being happy will make all of my life better.

Sweetie, you just have to Will you move over now? !


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I looked up, and she was talking to my dad, whod left no space at all between himself

and my mom. He reluctantly scooted towards me. He looked at me, pointed towards my mom,

and shook his head.

I didnt have to try very hard not to laugh at this. I was truly that sad this time. I hurriedly

flashed a fake smile before putting my head back down in my hands.

They were watching TV while I still had my face in my hands. I looked up, and it was a soap

opera show episode that even Ive seen a million times already. I normally hated soaps. Id only

watched it with her every fracking time without voicing any complaints because of her, and I

never had anything important to do. None of my shows were on when hers were.

Well, I might as well start to make dinner now. Here, Maria. You can watch. I doubt your

father will now. She looked at my snoring father before tossing the TV rem ote on my right,

over me. I suppose it was because my dad was sleeping to my left. I reached for it with my

working hand.

My mother somewhat inaudibly expressed her disapproval by humming nuh -uh. I

looked at her, and she was shaking her head. She put up her right hand up, telling me thats why

she did it. I simply pointed silently at my right hand with my good hand. My eyes were opened

wide as if to say, Do you see this? I tried, but I physically cant. She nodded and held out both

hands to calm me down again.

After I put on some romantic flick that I didnt really give too much attention to watching

-- it was something stupid anyway -- I sat slouched downwards with my left foot up on the

couch. The right one just sort of just dangled next to it.


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the other side of the rail fixed

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