the printed blog vol 1-no 2
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Second issue of the first volume edition of The Printed Blog.TRANSCRIPT
Views expressed in Content do not neCessarily refleCt the Views of the publisher or the printed blog inC.
printed with expliCit permission from eaCh Content proViderTUESDAY, FEbrUArY 3, 2009 ChiCago edition Vol 1 no 2
TAGLINE WOULD ACTUALLY bE NICE HErE
TM
Andy barron | tpburl.com/gt69h8
I’m ToTally RooTIng foR Blago aT ThIs PoInTby Greg boose | 1/27/09 | The Nervous breakdown tpburl.com/5k93cs Editor’s Note: The below was written just before Governor Blagojevich was impeached on Thursday. But it was too good not to leave in. I hate to admit it: At this point I’m totally rooting for Rod Blagojevich. I want him to beat all charges. I want him to somehow stay in office until his term is up, and then I want him to get reelected by a questionable 225 votes in 2010. And then I want him to put on a too-small red Karate gi, jump aboard the shimmering two-horned unicorn he’s got tied out back, and I want him to hunt down the Illinois Attorney General in an endless field of wheat so that we can continue this wacky palm-to-forehead story of American politics at its worst. Perhaps I’m just bored, or perhaps it’s because my name is still on the waiting list for a con-verter box coupon for my perfectly fine 1996 television and I’m about to lose “free” television, but I think this Rod Blagojevich scandal has been a really fun ride to be on. Yes, it was shameful and embarrassing in the beginning, but now it’s like a Mike Tyson-meets-Tom Sizemore train-wreck that gets better and uglier every week. Before my television goes to snow, I’d like to get in as much of this as possible. This week the governor is going on a media blitz to remind everyone that he’s innocent un-til proven guilty, and that he’s kind of like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi. All rolled into one. I’m not exactly proud of myself for cheering for someone up for impeachment, especially when it looks like he deserves it. I’m not proud of my hand wringing, smirks or laughter when I see that his official title remains under him on the news. The entertainment value alone is my guilty pleasure, but it could be that I’m also rooting for him because of the sheer size of his cajones that he’s showing through all this, and because he’s my neighbor and I enjoy watching him run awkwardly and freely down our street. And I know that rooting for Blago is like rooting for Gargamel to find Smurf Village. Or like hoping that your 10-year-old son discovers a cache of methamphetamine surrounded by Bic lighters and bottle rockets. I’m not proud of my Blago fandom; I’m a prisoner of it. There’s just something about rooting for the underdog, right? Even if that underdog is my corrupt governor with an ego the size of the national deficit.
VApID, THY NAmE IS “SArAH”by Kos | 1/28/09 | Daily Kos tpburl.com/dr8sn1 Sarah Palin is hilarious. From her new PAC website:
dedicated to building america’s future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for reform and innovation.
So what are those fresh ideas? Well, there’s a “Donate Today!” button, and a “About Sarah” button, and a place to sign up for emails. Are those ideas? Because really, that’s all the site has. Yup, about as vapid as Sarah herself.
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bLACK AmErICANS SHOULD LEVErAGE ObAmAby Greg Thrasher | 1/28/09 | The John Langston Forum tpburl.com/5nz9wk I am past the emotion and celebration of the end of white privilege and white supremacy in the White House. I contributed to the breaking of the color line and I expect to leverage and take advantage of my efforts and my work over decades in seeking to make our country live up to its ideals. Yet I have encountered a number of people with the opinion that black people should not seek to press our new president based upon his hue and cultural footprints. Now, from my vantage point such a posture and position is foolish, silly and counterpro-ductive on many levels. It makes no sense not to capitalize on a product I helped polish for mass consumption. Black America poured cultural capital into Prez Obama because part of his being is the creation of black America. We were not only his cultural mentors but his landscape and soil. Black Americans were his practice dummies on the field of America’s racial games. Those who clamor to the obsolete mantra of a color blind America are living in an obsolete world and there is nothing progressive about ignoring the obvious and raw truth of reality and the fact of race in our society. From my platform, to be truly progressive is to acknowledge the existence of one’s race and then not be a bigot. Obama is a person of color. He is a nonwhite president and as such he has a relationship with nonwhites, whether he likes it or not. I have no respect for those who seek to dismiss and deflect and ignore the obvious about race and its role in our nation and now in the White House. I have no reservations nor will I have any regrets when people accuse me of playing the ‘race card” with Obama. Black Americans who have endured centuries of race-based contempt and now expect us to ignore it, when we have suffered and died for this moment, are an insult and an affront to universal truth. It is a human condition to seek a bond and relationship with others who shares your experience. I offer no apology nor will I moderate or remain passive in seeking to leverage Obama in the White House. Black Americans should ignore and dismiss those who claim we are seeking revenge, pay-back, reparations and special treatment as we seek to leverage our Black agenda in an Obama-era White House. I offer no apology at all in my quest to leverage Obama in the White House; it is what Americans have done for 43 administrations prior to an Obama White House. I can now stop singing negro gospel spirituals in my shower and start practicing my hand-shake for my White House meeting-to-come with President Obama.
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CheeRs and JeeRs: Wednesdayby bill in portland maine | 1/28/09 | Daily Kos tpburl.com/db2jpw
From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...Oh! More Things I Know:
John boehner is a jerk.
there are far too few Ceos jumping out of windows on wall street.
next time he makes the trek to Congress, president obama should intimidate re-publicans by ripping off his shirt and cracking walnuts between his pecs like grover Cleveland did.
why is former maine senator george mitchell so successful at negotiating between warring factions? two words: judo chop!
if hollywood ever makes a movie about the three stooges, rod blagojevich should play moe.
...and Joe the plumber should play Curly. but he’d have to tone it down to be believ-able.
if i were in charge of the economic stimulus package, i’d write a million-dollar check to every american over the age of 18. no, wait, i mean a five-million dollar check to everyone over 43.
if Chesley sullenberger ever lands an airbus in a mcdonald’s drive-thru he shouldn’t be served because i don’t think that kind of flyboy cockiness should be encouraged.
[this spaCe for rent]
i pity whoever goes to a movie and ends up sitting behind aretha franklin.
Just a heads-up: daily Kos is a Communist front for something or other. i read it on some blog and i believe it!!!
to the weather Channel guy in Cincinnati: we know what ice is. you don’t have to keep holding it up to the camera and saying, “this is ice! this is ice!”
why, yes...yes i can take you to funky town.
if you forward this post to several of your best friends it will bring you good luck. unfortunately the people who receive it will be cursed for life.
Cheers and Jeers starts in there’s moreville... [swoosh!!] rightnow! [gong!!]
Coley brown | tpburl.com/d3w40h | in waterfall, 2007
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SUpEr VALENTINE’S bOWLby Liddy Wilson | 1/29/09 | mary Ellen moffit tpburl.com/bdy6oc As I’ve mentioned previously I am married. Pause. Breath. Silently thank a God I don’t believe in. But Valentine’s Day keeps on keeping on just the same. So, at least Valentine’s Day is one thing in my life I shouldn’t (but still do, a little) take personally. I’ve been in relationships on Valentine’s Day and I’ve been alone on Valentine’s Day, and believe me, unconscious is bet-ter. Men let you down. Women want too much. Here’s what the letter downers and the big ex-pectors get: tiny tables in loud, dark restaurants, watch checking, reprehensible prix fixes copied on to red paper, execrable service and food, no jewelry, big fat tears in loud, dark restaurants, recriminations on the sidewalk, stupid, fucking heels!, warm Milbrook sparkling wine, fraught sex. It’s too much, it’s not enough. It’s coming soon. But the Super Bowl is coming even sooner! I don’t know who’s playing and I don’t give a fuck. If it isn’t a New York team I don’t care. But, I’ll have a good time anyway. I do not take the Super Bowl personally. Although maybe men do. Aha! On Super Bowl Sunday men are the great expectors and we’re the, well we’re there. Or at least we’re around. The 7 layer dip, most likely. I cared last year because the Giants won only the greatest Super Bowl game ever - but I didn’t take the victory personally. So maybe I flipped over the back of the couch, with my skirt over my head but that was the tall boys talking, not football. Maybe Tommy should Tivo this year’s Super Bowl and we’ll watch it with some dip and some suds and call it a Valentine’s Day.
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R.I.P. John UPdIkeby Alan Stewart Carl | 1/24/09 | Donklephant tpburl.com/y9m4q6 The great writer John Updike has died at the age of 76. I say writer, because Updike was more than a novel-ist. He was a storyteller, an essayist, a man of letters in a way that is rare in our current age. With Updike’s passing we have one less literary great who was widely known by the public. We have precious few of those. Without the intention to belittle such writers as Stephen King, Stephanie Meyer, Patricia Cornwell or other bestselling authors, Updike was a rarity in that he became famous writing not just popular fiction but diffi-cult, literary fiction. He presented us works meant to do more than provide an enjoyable diversion. He wanted his readers to think about our life and our world, to consider the implications of our choices and the mean-ings behind our relationships. He wasn’t always great, but he always tried to do more than simply write an entertaining story. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing distasteful about entertaining stories. I am egalitarian in my views of fiction — the more, the merrier. I’d rather see my kids reading comic books than reading nothing at all. But I have great affection for literature and what it adds to our culture. Like all the arts, the best literature can change minds and hearts. Updike undoubtedly changed a few. He will be missed. I can only hope his passing does not portend the end to an age when literary writers can become, if not household names, then widely known and appreciated. Many other writers deserve the recognition Updike enjoyed.
A DEAr JOHN LETTEr TO TWILIGHTby Sarah Yokubaitis | 1/28/09 | Not Your Typical Southern belle tpburl.com/v71wj6
dear twilight-
it’s over. we tried, but it just didn’t work. i know what we had was brief, that i picked you up on a whim looking for some quick fun. i admit — my intentions were not honest. but i heard good rumors about you and i wanted to be one of the vampire hungry girls too, swooning over edward Cullen and waxing philosophical about his bloodsucking hotness. i wanted to spend a weekend laying in bed all day with you, wrapped up in your dark and rainy world.
but in the end, 207 pages later, we were just too different. a facts-driven aspiring journalist isn’t going to fall for a tale where vampires glitter in the sun. we wanted different things, you and i. i’m a non-fiction kind of girl — biographies, history, memoirs, current events. like blonde haired men, fiction is not my thing. and you wanted me to let go of logic and slip into a world where vampires look like models and drive expensive cars and seduce teenage girls. your 544 pages of –albeit light — reading was just asking too much, especially considering the harvey milk biography, pho-toshop manuel, web 2.0 book and the Cooking light cookbook that i left for you.
maybe we’ll try it again someday. or maybe i’ll sell you on half.com. but either way, i think it’s time for you to move on.
don’t feel bad. that harry potter guy and i didn’t work out either.
the girl from the past few awkward nights
Disclaimer: Just so you know I am not a complete pretentious snob, I wrote this while watching The Real Housewives of Orange County. So don’t hate.
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long-losT ClassIC ChICago Bands: ChIa PeT!by Jim Kopeny | 12/18/08 | Tankboy tpburl.com/391xbd Chia Pet’s first album -- Elpee -- previously available ONLY on vinyl and long out-of-print, is finally out as a digital down-load! It was the very first release on Johann’s Face Records and I remember excitedly buying it at one of their infamous shows at The Gallery down in Normal, IL. They were sort of the de facto insane house band that wowed recent grads and current students and cool kids in Palatine in the late ‘80s. They jumbled punk, funk, soul, and gutterpunch opera-rock into an undeni-able danceparty mush machine that prompted many a nubile young thang to partially or fully disrobe mid-show. (See: the Naked Parties of ‘89.) I actually bought a couple extra vinyl copies of Elpee a few years ago because my original copy had grown a bit warped from overplay, but I haven’t really brought them into DJ sets in the last few years since I moved from vinyl to CDs and finally iPods. So I immediately plunked down the seven bucks for the digital download and you can bet your ass these tunes will start regularly popping up in my DJ sets for the foreseeable future. It’s time to spread the word! SIDE NOTE: A number of classic Johann’s Face Records bands are reuniting next April for the label’s 225th (!) anniversary. Might I start a grassroots effort demanding the reunion of the first band to even put out a record on the label? Viva la Chia Pet!
Andy barron | tpburl.com/gt69h8 | promo shot used in fiction family artwork
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mayBe she’s JUsT noT ThaT InTo yoU - 7 CoUnTeR RUles foR menby megan Leah power | 1/27/09 | The Nervous breakdown tpburl.com/m2816g A megastar movie based on a New York Times best-selling book based on a Sex & The City episode drops February 6th. Fashioning an acerbic advice book into a screenplay is a feat only writers like Charlie Kaufman can safely ignore. He’s Just Not That Into You was published in 2004 and struck a significant chord. It seems only fair if not mildly treasonous to return the favor to men. My baseline position is that men usually know when a woman is just not that into them (unlike women, who are masters of self-delusion, false optimism and denial). You men, you don’t care. You get off on a certain level of pursuit. Experience has taught you the power of persistence. Sun Tzu’s Art of War, etc. Fine. But for those men who are tired of treading water, sick of being a chump and especially for those poor souls who have clearly lost their way, let the following be your guide. 1. She’s Just Not That Into You if she doesn’t offer to pay for shit. Women will keep men in their lives they have no feelings for simply because these men whip out their wallets on cue. Practical necessity? OK sometimes. Learn to spot the far more common garden variety greediness. It’s not something we’re wracked with guilt over either (hello, we still make seventy five cents to your dollar for the exact same job. If you want to try to make that up to us, we sure as hell will let you). Unless we’re really into you. A girl who’s into you will at minimum offer to pay. It’s the gesture of offering that tells a man how a woman feels and, additionally, if she’s up to the task of true partnership. Even a woman earning diddly squat will pick up the tab for cheap things like coffee or breakfast. And she’ll give you stuff: books, burned CDs, baby cactuses, bus passes. Tokens of her affection. If your girl don’t pay for shit and don’t give you tiny little presents, she is using you for your money. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, you bank. You don’t even mind paying for every single bar tab, restaurant bill, movie ticket, airfare, trip to the mall. It makes you feel generous and impor-tant and manly to be able to provide such things for the girl in your life. Especially if said girl is hot, and she’s in school getting her degree and can’t afford those sexy Nine West stiletto boots… Dude, you are being used. If you’re ok with that, you have self-esteem issues. You need counseling. A month surfing in Costa Rica. Something. How can you not know how many badass women are out there? Women who have their shit together financially and everything-else-ily? Getting used for money is so 1998. Grow a fucking pair. You can rent someone’s heart or you can experience the bliss of love. Do either with open eyes. 2. She’s Just Not That Into You if she claims she’s “not over” her ex. Both genders use this tired excuse - it’s the easiest way to turn someone down. Soften the blow. Even get some sympathy. Do not be fooled or moved! Do not try to help her through it! Do not stick around! Be smart and disappear. The only appropriate response to a girl making this claim is, “I sincerely wish you best of luck getting over so and so. I really hope you can work though it and feel better. Give me a call next July.” And she might. But the point is, the truth is, most people will suck it up and throw some duct tape over their busted heart if a new person they consider attractive, smart and nice comes sniffing around. Plus the only surefire way to get over an ex is to date someone else so it’s pretty counterintuitive to play the “oh it’s too soon” card. Go ahead and call bullshit. TIP: a good vetting device? Date people close to your level of singlehood. Single for seven months? Nice to meet you. Broke up last weekend? Excuse me gotta go. 3. She’s Just Not That Into You if you’re doing her. Hooking up leads to love as often as LinkedIn leads to a dream job. Why do we pretend it can work? Because it’s a convenient belief. Because we’re horny. Women are dying to get off too you know and sometimes biological urges override our emotional braking system. Still, we’re all apprised of the odds. Chances are if she’s really into you, she’s terrified of messing things up be-tween you two by adding horizontal gymnastics into the mix. She’s probably dying to get naked but resisting the impulse with varying levels of success. Conventional wisdom holds that good relationships sprout from causal friendships which progress at normal speed into romances. Love rarely blooms after a night of hard drinking at Lucky Lounge. It’s also wise not to under-estimate the effect of squawking norms from yesteryear which told women they were “sluts” if they “put out” too soon. Many women still equate sex with leverage somehow. So if you and your girl are having doggy style Thursdays it’s not love. It’s not even in the neighborhood of love. It’s sport. Cool? Cool. Just don’t go around pretending you’re her boyfriend. You’re not. Which isn’t to say you won’t ever be. C’est posible. People win the lottery every day. The odds never change, but it does happen. 4. She’s Just Not Into You if she speaks flippantly about excretory or menstrual func-tions. These are topics of excrutiating shame in the romantic realm, at least initially. And at least initially a woman will usually avoiding pooping in a 5 mile radius of a guy she’s really into. It’s not healthy or easy but it’s what we do. If a girl is reporting her bowel movements or flow density in an offhand manner/in graphic detail, you have been relegated to Friend status. Not a good place to be. It could take years before she realizes you’re boyfriend material. Don’t you think you deserve a woman who isn’t voluntarily blind? Who can plainly see how awesome you are? Get this girl a Costco pack of Always with wings and tell her you can’t wait forever. 5. She’s Just Not That Into You if she takes her sweet ass time returning your calls. If a woman never calls you, you cannot tell anything from this. Through various channels of public mockery women have been made aware of our tendency to call men too much. We sorta for the most part get it. You don’t like being stalked. Roger that, loud and clear. But not returning your calls is something else entirely. If she doesn’t call, email or text you back within a day or two, sorry she is just not that into you. Keep on moving. 6. She’s Just Not That Into You if some guy is slapping her ass at the bar. If she is openly giving other guys attention right in front of your face (see also: getting hit on and loving it), she is an attention whore. Let her be one. Peacefully walk away. Far away. As my friend Lisa*, avid collector of men she’s not really into puts it, “A girl who’s really into you doesn’t create a space for that to happen.” If you two are at the bar and some guy’s patting her butt while she giggles and meekly swats his paw away, you’re chopped liver. See the exit sign over there? Follow it. Go to the next bar. Meet the kickass woman who’s waiting over there for someone great like you. 7. She’s Just Not That Into You if you get the side hug. How does she hug you? It’s important. It says a lot. The side hug, the one arm, or worse, the Oprah hug (all body contact blocked, interlaced fingers of both hands serving as the greet-ing) speak volumes. The hug of a girl who’s really into should include both arms. Some breast contact. Pelvis touching or nearly touching. Slow to part. Hugging her should be warm and slightly dizzying. It should feel good. This concludes my post. All the TNB ladies, all the TNB ladies All the TNB ladies, all the TNB ladies If you take umbrage with any of the above points, do feel free to explain or contribute your own ideas. Men, you are welcome.
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FOrWArDby Anonymous | 1/28/09 | bastard Life tpburl.com/39rbvm
“First, I want to write that I miss my boyfriend (and I wrote him that BastardLife would be publishing this letter after you folks got back to me so thanks). I miss him because out here no one knows why we are here any more. I miss him because I sleep alone and wish he was holding me close on the nights—every night more and more—that I lay awake and stare into the black space of my tent and wonder if I will ever see him again. I miss him because of all of the things I wish I had said to him in person, smelling his breath and scents and feeling the gruff of his face against mine. And I miss him because no one here knows—that I miss him. No one can know. Sometimes when I hurt other people out here on the war path I wonder if they are like me, if they have had to keep a secret like mine—if they love someone like I do...as strongly as I do...that no one can know about. Thing is, I will fight for my country and I will fight for the freedom of these people here, and I will come home and continue to fight for my own rights to be a gay man and marry my ‘one’ as you say so often gloriously. In the meantime, I know what I have to do—and I will. I’ll man up, stay tough, and keep moving forward.” Anonymous, U.S. Marines, Iraq January 27th 2009
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Luis mauricio | tpburl.com/kjt2s5 | uptown oakland osa window
michele Waagaard | tpburl.com/0xkz47 | bedroom reflects the soul
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DEprESSION DO’S AND DON’TSby brooke Van poppelen | 1/21/09 | NY is retarded tpburl.com/1c20sx With the current clime of the economy, the cold grey expanse of winter closing in around me, and a career that won’t crack open, I think it’s safe to say I am backsliding into some de-pression. Ah, familiar, all too cyclical depression folks---it’s not just for Brian Wilson anymore. Being no stranger to the blues given my unstable lifestyle, lack of control over income, and one of those temperamental “creative” personalities, I have experienced varying degrees of “sad-ness, hopelessness, anxiety, withdrawal from social situations, lack of interest in sex, decreased or increased appetite…” and so on and so forth from the laundry list of symptoms found in a Zoloft brochure. How do you deal with it? Do you seek out a professional? I say nay. Sometimes what you need most is a good kick in the pants, maybe have your chops busted a little bit. Maybe you need to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth instead of from a melan-choy little animated blob on your T.V. screen pretending to be sad. I don’t trust a skinny cook and I sure as hell wouldn’t take depression advice from someone who’s never lived in their bath-robe for 3 months. So that’s why I am stepping up to the plate and offering advice to you the reader from a field I am well versed in. These pointers have worked for me over the years and helped me through the lowest of lows and helped bring me back up to…well…what is normal anyway?
1. DON’T: spend time with lively, attractive, industrious people who are turning their dreams into reality.DO: spend time with your 93-year old grandmother and challenge her to little feats of strength, cognitive & verbal reasoning quizzes and eating contests. trust me, you’re going to leave feeling like a champ and she appreciates the visit.
2. DON’T: Continue to account for yourself by paying rent, working and contributing to society. it’s hard and you need a break!DO: move back in with your parents. nothing says “adult” like your mom waking you up while you’re sleeping in the hot tub to ask why in god’s name you drank all of the wine in the house.
3. DON’T: meet new people.DO: Cling desperately to failed relationships, marriages and friendships and then drop in for surprise visits. people love surprises! you can’t change the past but you can re-visit it over and over and over again.
4. DON’T: accept any employment that is beneath you. you are an artist, people need to recognize that and they can find you if they need to. they will come to you.DO: Continue old spending habits because it feels good. going out for every meal and hobnobbing at the bar every night is good for your soul. your little brother works very hard and you can borrow money from him.
5. DON’T: get stressed about the 20 pounds you’ve gained. sometimes little changes in our body happen when life isn’t all peaches and cream and we decide to stop exercising and start lying around a lot.DO: Continue to force yourself into your old clothing, go out to the bar for white russians and end the night right with a combo platter at taco loco. it’s important to feel normal.
6. DON’T: admit anything is wrong. humility is weakness and you’ve got a reputation to uphold dammit! you are self-important!DO: go about your regular schedule and interactions despite your instability, but be sure to periodically excuse yourself to the bathroom to scream, cry, and punch yourself in the gut. nobody wants to see you cry. *** be sure to carry eye makeup remover, astringent and mascara with you to re-apply after you’ve had your head in the toilet to muffle the screams.
7. DON’T: take advantage of free counseling or group therapy. you are better than that. do you really want to surround yourself with poor, stupid, crazy people?DO: wait to be hospitalized. it’s far more glamorous to be rolled out on a stretcher while wearing a scandalously low cut slip screaming, “i can afford this!”
8. DON’T: stay put in one location for too long and allow a routine to develop.DO: bail out the moment something becomes hard or unfavorable. that’s no good. abort, abort, abort! besides, moving is exciting and there will be a whole new group of people to eventually leave behind, disillusioned and shaken.
9. DON’T: accept invitations to relax with friends and family. they say they love you, but the minute you have a drink and start to relax they’re going to start prying about your health, finances and sanity. they will offer help. you don’t need anyone’s help.DO: spend all holidays and special occasions alone listening to lou reed’s “perfect day” or any track off of “a Charlie brown Christmas”. these tracks sound good year round. people admire your independence.
10. DON’T: make goals for yourself. they’re so constricting and people talk shit about you when you don’t accomplish them.DO: wallow in this creative and financial lull. the only way out of depression is through it. be prepared to feel this way for a loooooooong time.
I hope these tips have helped you recognize how best to deal with unfortunate bouts of depression. You just need to realize there’s NOTHING you can do about it and it’s not your fault. Medication is for the weak and/or insured. So live your life how you like to and eventually things will change. Or they won’t. So unplug the phone, grab the clicker and cozy up in your favorite flannel onesie; you’ve got some down time ahead of you.
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prior to each issue, we post an intriguing question on our twitter feed and then look for the best answers. post your opinion today and you could be featured in our next issue! Check out today’s question at: twitter.com/theprintedblog.
We asked: If yoU CoUld qUIT yoUR JoB Today and Change Ca-ReeRs, WhaT WoUld yoU do?
@Wonderspot I actually DID quit my job, and I have no idea what I'm going to do!
@HaylsK I’d quit being a student and become a photographer for National Geo-
graphic!
@jnomina Cheer and celebrate. I don’t think that is what you meant.
@mthomas2185 I would be a social anthropologist/author, who wrote historical fiction
based on isolated societies in places like Mongolia.
@mrsjoshuaford own a bed and breakfast and help people enjoy their vacation somewhere
beautiful.
@dblandin I would work for a web development team out of San Francisco. I hear it’s
much warmer over there.
@wasitforthis I’m really lucky-even if I could change careers to anything at all I would
still want to be exactly where I am at the moment.
@Colorach If we’re talking being able to do anything, I’d be a Blue Angel pilot. Realis-
tically, I’d like to own my own business.
@Stealthnerd professional napper. if that doesn’t count, i’d take the cop-out brooding
novelist job. but with less brooding, & more cake.
@doniree be a judge on Iron Chef America, become a travel writer, or open a card/
coffee/flower shop/cafe thing
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Grayson Kemp | tpburl.com/cr0bdx | untitled #3
Colin FitzGerald photography | tpburl.com/bdnpzh | the grass is greener
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pErSpECTIVE
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Julianne Hide | tpburl.com/qcd4hf | tattoo
one hundred and twenty oneLast night I dreamt that Natalie Portman asked for my phone number in a fancy restaurant in Los Angeles in front of everyone. She called me the next day and we went to a Wu Tang concert. And Ol’ Dirty Bastard wasn’t dead. I was ecstatic. The next morning Ms. Portman called me again and told me she was pregnant. We got married by noon and I was filthy rich by dark.By Glen Binger
one hundred and eighteen“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Zeus boomed as he thundered into the room.
Hera held her lover tightly but not very tightly. She also held her husband’s seething stare as the all hairs in the area stood due to ions pouring from Zeus’s gritted teeth and ears.
“Not what,” she said, “but who.” She pinched her frightened mate’s left buttock, which con-tains his fifty-first fluttering eye.
“Ow,” said Argus.By Simian Sam
one hundred and sixIf I could be an article of clothing, I’d be Warren Beatty’s V-neck sweater. I’d be blue and shrinking and then he’d put me on. Smelling of cigarettes and 1967, I’d reach for his drink and complement his eyes… my threads stretching as he parts his high-rise hair. After scratching at his Oxford button-up beneath, I’d rub his back and kiss his chest, only to wake up used and on the floor.By BananaLegs
eighty nineThe PetSmart manager pointed at the beta fish, sitting lifelessly in his cup. “No, he isn’t lonely,” she said, smiling. “I asked if it was humane to keep fish by themselves in a habitat the size of a Whopper Junior. “I named my fish Titus, like the ancient emperor,” she said, dodging my ques-tion. “He’s my little dictator. Sometimes he acts so mean. I put little Roman columns inside his bowl.”By BoboLink
one hundred and eighti love you, he confesses.she shushes him with the motion of reaching for her pack. silly. you’ve only fallen in love with an idea of me. your human heart is as small as your fist and as big the curve of sky. give it. give it give it give it until you have given everything.this is how we must live, he says, wryly. in defiance of broken hearts and death.By Ella Ordona
seVenTy TWo WoRds tpburl.com/8fp9xg
Casper balslev | tpburl.com/50jkbx | nawlins #01
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THE bOW TIE: TImELESS mEN’S ACCESSOrY, Or ENDANGErED HIpSTEr TrEND?by Dino-ray ramos | 1/27/09 | Stylehive blog tpburl.com/srdcw0 The ubiquitous bow tie has been a part of men’s fashion for years-- decades-- centuries, even. From the classic tuxedo, to the retro ice cream shoppe soda jerk, to the trio of Disney dandies known as the Jonas Brothers, the bow tie has been an “it” accessory for men. They come in many varieties. There are those that you can tie yourself (courtesy of the Brooks Brothers and Ralph Lauren), or the ones that you can clip on effortlessly (if Band of Outsiders makes it in this variety, then it must be cool). Now as we walk into a new year (and a new presidency-- go Obama!), has the bow tie overstayed its welcome as a casual item of sartorial charm? Or should it go back to being a part of the template suits of prestigious Ivy League professors? I haven’t worn a bow tie since my high school senior prom, and I have still hesitated to buy one just because I think it will make my face look wider - but that doesn’t mean I have discounted the item. I just need to find one that suits me if I choose to don the trendy accessory. Whatever side of the bow tie fence you stand on, here are a couple of bow ties that you can add to your neck accessory arsenal.
peter Stanglmayr | tpburl.com/fm9k3b
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SmEAr THE...ANTI-qUEEr?by G-A-Y | 1/28/09 | Good As You tpburl.com/ywdj8t There’s absolutely no reason to combat anti-gay harassment in schools, because it’s actually the LGBT kids who are doing all the bullying. Or at least that’s how it looks through the sand in which anti-gay activist Brad Dacus has placed his head. Speaking about “No Name Calling Week,” a pro-acceptance initiative that is currently being honored in schools nationwide, Dacus says the following:
“the alleged homosexual kids are not the only ones being bullied,” the attorney points out. “there’s [sic] kids of faith being called ‘homophobic’ and ‘homophobe,’ and yet those words and that name-calling is not under attack and is not being addressed by this alleged week of tolerance that’s being pushed.” week of ‘tolerance’ intolerant of traditional values [onn]
That is the experience you all had when you were LGBT teens, right? A peaceful school life wherein you were free to live and learn in peace? Hallways where “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” increased your popularity, but where maligning an effeminate boy immediately de-cooled the school’s head football jock? A realm where the openly gay kids were student body presidents and members of the homecoming royalty, yet where all kids of faith were forced to eat lunch alone? Totally relatable, right? No? In your school, being openly gay or even gay-friendly was far from a social positive? In your school, the locker rooms were filled with more homophobia than Anita Bryant’s special Southern Baptist Convention comeback concert? And you spent your high school days filled with fear, knowing that if your peers learned the thoughts that were truly in your head, life as you know it would become a pre-collegiate hell? Oh. Guess Mr. Dacus needs to actually go back and experience school through the eyes of its most vulnerable pupils, rather than continue on in his role as teacher of Revisionist History!
brand New Ivory Wedding Dress for SALE - size 4 w/ tags attached. bead work throughout gown, matching purse and shawl and detachable train. email for photos and more info [email protected].
Vintage, early 80s Knoll glass & Chrome dining table and two matching leather pollack Chairs. $2K obo. pieces can be sold separately. (Chicago pickup only)
(213)-804-8725.
Hp 14.1” Notebook, practically NEW - 14.1” widescreen, 4gb ram, 64-bit 2.0ghz amd turion duo-Core processor, 250gb hard drive, integrated wifi/blu-etooth, built-in webcam & mic, nVidia geforce go 7150m, 2 batteries included - standard & extended, ms windows 7 beta 1, great Condition, $900 or trade for
mac. email [email protected]
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CHICAGO
The gReaT BlIzzaRd of ‘09!by Jim Kopeny | 1/13/09 | Tankboy tpburl.com/5m6wf4 In Chicago if every single media outlet is awash in stories about an incoming snow storm that is sure to incapacitate the area you can be pretty sure that there will be no snowfall of mythic community para-lyzing proportion. In fact, the next day’s news will pretty much be filled with newspeople chattering about how we missed seventeen feet worth of snow by thiiiiiis much. Last evening’s news was filled with predictions of white-outs and a snowbound Chicago, and what was the result? I’ve had dandruff that put the eve-ning’s accumulation to shame. On top of it, I have no idea why anyone in Chicago even cares if we do get hit by a blizzard that would drop a foot-plus of snow on top of us. It’s not like we get snow days? Last night I was grousing that as an adult in this city there is never enough snow to actually close any office I’ve ever worked.* Instead, the heavier the snow, the earlier you need to leave to account for slow travel times ... and the longer you’ll work since there’s no point in leaving the office when everyone is trying to travel home at the same time ten hours later. (And it’s no better for kids ... due to our mayor’s past and recently rediscovered desire to retain political office, the city’s extremely aggressive street clearing plans mean that even this tiniest tyke is going to have to report to homeroom when the kids in outly-ing counties are building snow forts.) So forgive me if we don’t get sucked into hysterical new stories urging us to stock up on supplies, and forgive us if you can hear us sneering at friends in NYC or D.C. or Boston who talk of offices closing at the threat of six inches of snow. We in the urban Midwest (I am also peering your way, my even crazier Minnesota sisters and brothers) are made of surprisingly hardier stuff. Tell me there’s a foot of snow coming our way and we will laugh in your face. However, those days with high of -3° to -11° F that are being predicted for later this week? That kind of news scares our pants off! (Insert laughter from our Canadian cousins ... here.) *O.K., there was that ONE blizzard back in -- what, ‘98ish? -- where the city got hit by almost two feet of snow no one saw coming and everything actually did shut down for one day. That was magical.
Visualanthology | tpburl.com/w7p9jf | snowstorm
Doug Siefken | tpburl.com/3p0s7z
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TrY LIVING ON mINImUm WAGEby Jim | 1/27/09 | bargaineering tpburl.com/8nhbcp Want to learn how to be frugal without having to resort to the extremes of spending only a dollar a day on meals? Try living on minimum wage. I’m not recommending that you pull a Morgan Spurlock but you should try to put yourself into the shoes of millions of Americans working a minimum wage job and try to figure out how they’re surviving. They do it every single day and they, through trial by fire, have learned what it takes to truly be frugal. You have to walk a mile in a man’s (or woman’s) shoes to truly understand. Minimum Wage So, how much is minimum wage and how much can you spend? The Federal Minimum Wage is currently $6.55 an hour, set to increase to $7.25 an hour on July 24th, 2009 (it may be higher in your state). If you assume an 8 hour day, that’s a grand total of $52.40 in earnings that day. Taxes: If you worked 2,000 hour (the standard number of hours budgeted by companies) year, $6.55 is only $13,100 a year. Once you deduct the standard deduction of $5,450, we’re talking $7,650 of taxable income assuming no other deductions. According to the 2008 IRS tax brackets, you would be taxed at 10% for a total tax of $765. Your $13,100 a year is effectively $12,335 after taxes. That’s a little under $1028 a month. Rent: It’s difficult to assume what your rent is because it varies across the country but let’s take a nice round number of $500. Deduct $500 from $1028 and you’re left with $528. Divide that by 30 to figure out how much you can spend each day. How Much Can You Spend? The answer is $17.60. (if you assumed rent of $300, that would still leave you with only $24.27 a day to spend) That’s right, if you work eight hours of minimum wage and have a $500 a month rent payment, you can only spend $17.60 before you start going into debt ($25 if you pay only $300 a month in rent). This is why so many people working minimum wage work two or three jobs, because eight hours is simply not enough. (There may be other social programs to help, like food stamps, but I didn’t want to get overly complicated in this discussion) Eye opening huh? Try living on less than $18 a day for an entire month, I mean really try, and you’ll discover some things you didn’t think were possible.
SpOrTS
mIsInfoRmaTIon fRom RICk TelandeRby Al | 1/26/09 | bleed Cubbie blue tpburl.com/25g4vb
it seems CraZy, but in 1981, the first year of the tribune’s ownership, the Cubs drew fewer than 10,000 people a game.
attendance last season was more than 40,000 a game, a hair less than capacity.
if everything is maxed out, what do the rickettses do to improve things?
did we mention the world series?
While the conclusion -- winning the World Series -- is something we all want -- the premise of this part of the article is flawed. Let’s examine the facts. Cubs attendance in 1981 was 565,637 -- 11th in the 12-team Na-tional League. Obviously, that was depressed by the strike and the horrendous play of that year’s team. But there are some problems with Telander’s statement. First, the average attendance wasn’t “under 10,000”. To get that figure, Telander must have divided the total by the number of home games in 1981 (57) to get 9,923. However, there were three home doubleheaders in 1981, so there were only 54 home dates. Thus, the actual average was 10,475. There’s one more thing that’s wrong with Telander’s statement. 1981 wasn’t the first year of Tribune Co. ownership. The deal was approved by MLB owners on August 6, 1981, and Tribune took over officially in early September. So the first true year of Tribco ownership was 1982. Baseball was still recovering from the strike, and the Cubs, though better, were still bad, finish-ing 73-89. They had 79 home dates and drew 1,249,278, an average of 15,814 -- nearly a 50% increase in average attendance. But the real problem with Telander’s statement is that you can’t really compare attendance figures now to attendance figures then. In 1982, MLB’s average attendance was about 21,000 per game; last year it was over 34,000. Granted that Tribune’s marketing of the Cubs has been successful beyond probably even its wildest dreams, drawing millions of fans even when the team was terrible. But until 1993, the National League only reported turnstile count. A 78-84 Cubs team in 1992 reported attendance of 2,126,720, ranking fifth in the NL. The 1993 team, only a little better record-wise at 84-78, reported 2,653,763 -- more than 500,000 more fans, supposedly -- but ranked 7th in the NL. That’s because in ‘93, teams started reporting tickets sold as the attendance figures. Overall baseball attendance “jumped” from 55 million in 1992 to 70 million in 1993 -- that’s not a real jump, it’s the difference in the way it was reported. This is why the 2006 attendance figure of 3,123,215, which ranks fourth in team history, is so misleading. Late-season games were sold out early, but for many of them, fewer than half the announced crowd was actually in the ballpark. Management improved the team, and atten-dance in 2007 was 3,252,462 -- only a “slight” improvement, but the actual turnstile count was much higher than in 2006. Anyway, Telander was trying to make a comparison between two things that can’t really be compared, and he got a couple of basic facts wrong. Still, I’ll agree with his conclusion -- we are all hoping that no matter what the attendance figures, what we want is for new ownership to bring a World Series title to the North Side.
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James Cooper | tpburl.com/0v7k8g
WHAT’S GOING ON
stay in the know with a brief overview of the local events in your hood. got a lead on a cool event coming up? drop us a line asap and shout it out.
Twestival SF Thursday, February 12, 2009SF with over 60 cities around the world, harnessing the power of twitter. Harlot, 46 Minna St, SF; 6-10pm $25http://sanfrancisco.twestival.com/http://www.charitywater.org/
museum of Contemporary Art220 E Chicago Ave ChicagoFirst Friday series Fri. Feb. 6 6-10 p.m. $7-15. DJ, appetizers and a cash bar!
Snowball 2009 - Saturday, 2/7Fundraiser for Childrens Memorial Hospi-tal by Junior Council of Children’s Memo-rial Hospital at Navy Pier. $125 [email protected]
Danielle burnham’s plan of ChicagoOn loan from the Department of Archi-tecture and Designs; part of a citywide celebration of Burnham’s 1909 Plan of Chicago Centennial.Grant Park Museums, 111 S. Michigan
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FASHION
PanTs aRe oVeRRaTedby Amber mortensen | 1/15/09 | painfully Hip tpburl.com/qyb90k Winter inevitably becomes pants-hating time for me. I want, above all, to stay warm, but my inclination is always dresses and skirts. This year, a life-changing discovery: layered leggings, tights and socks work almost as well as a pair of jeans for keeping warm! This outfit makes me very happy. The ultimate in cozy-chic is born.
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onemoredress | tpburl.com/52pgzy
HIrE mE
Christina pertz / design and publication I am very interested in acquiring a career in which I can learn and experience the layout and design of publications. I enjoy the precise positioning of elements on the page to achieve a desired result.
linkedin.com/in/christinapertz
Danielle L. Scott / editing and publication Book manuscripts, websites, articles, white papers, reports, marketing and corporate communications -- contact me if your work needs editing or revamping!
linkedin.com/in/dscottgrrl
Kristy miles / fashion industry I am a fashion marketing and management graduate with another degree in public rela-tions and advertising. I have 12 years of retail experience and I’m currently working as a stylist for Akria Chicago. I have a lot going on but I would love a full time job working in the fashion industry. Please contact me at [email protected]
Lusiana Gjikdhima / position in financial Company I am very interested in an entry-level position that can be offered in a bank or a financial company. I have graduated from UIC University for Finance, and am actively seeking employment with firms in the Chicago area. Contact me at [email protected]
Casper balslev | tpburl.com/50jkbx
Ion C. Olaru / software developerIon has worked in the IT industry since 1998. He is originally from Moldova and loves to develop software solutions that work for the community. Ion is proud to repeat that he has worked for the first independent press agency in Moldova and now for the The Printed Blog, the newest newspaper out of Chicago.
Chad Koskie / editorial assistantChad Koskie rounds out the editorial arm of The Printed Blog. In addition to politics and current events he enjoys reading, finding new music and nightlife. He holds a degree in journalism from Western Illinois University.
doobybrain | tpburl.com/9cfkr1
LIST OF ADVErTISING OFFENSESby Nathan Alexander | 1/21/09 | Commercials I Hate tpburl.com/4t8hfx Shout all you want, Billy Mays. Shouting is bad manners, and will never inspire me to do business with you. Of the many gimmicks the advertisers try on us over and over again, there are some that are so transparent, so exploitative, we should sue them for calling us stupid. This is the list of advertising offenses. Spouse hiding the product in purse: Husband has a terrible cough and has been hacking loudly through dinner. He uses his own cough drops, but continues to bark like a dying seal. Only then does the wife reveal her own cough drops, which have been cleverly hidden in her purse the whole time. What the hell was she waiting for? This scenario is also played as two girlfriends going out to lunch. The money shot is the beautifully manicured hand pulling the product out of a purse. It’s supposed to say “See, ladies? It fits in your purse, so you should im-mediately buy it.” The Numbered Series: Usually shown as two 15-second clips back to back. The first 15-sec-ond commercial is number 34, in a series of helpful ways the product can improve your life. The next commercial is number 18. There are no other handy household tips at all, only number 34 and number 18. They are usually accompanied by a smarmy seen-it-all mom voiceover, exasper-atedly recounting these two solitary items as if she has been reading you the whole list. Liquid pouring and splashing up into the air: This is shown most often in commercials for cereal, where the milk pours into the cereal from a stupefying height, cresting and splashing up and out of the bowl. This is done often in ads for refreshing beverages, chocolate, and most mystifyingly, liquid bleach. I have never been sure what exactly this is supposed to represent. No one I know has ever poured bleach from the top of a stepladder. Car spinning out of control: The commercial is for a car, and they invariably show the car fish-tailing to a screeching halt. I suppose this stunt is to appeal to my alpha-male side. Yes please, give me a car that spins. Preferably spraying a fine mist from a wet road, or spewing dust in a giant cloud as I rip through the desert, destroying my clear-coat. Funny how on TV a car spinning around is supposed to demonstrate the car’s agility, but in real life it means someone is about to die. Athletes who talk: Please. If you want a big famous athlete in your ad, there’s a right way and a wrong way to make it happen. The way to do it properly is to show the athlete in black and white, in slow motion, bouncing the basketball, cracking the baseball bat, or launching the football. Have them look all serious into the camera, and keep their mouths shut. The way to screw it all up is to give the athlete lines. Have we learned nothing from Michael Jordan? Ath-letes cannot speak. Don’t ask them to do it. They are not good at it. People eating cereal somewhere other than in the kitchen: In nearly every commercial ever made for breakfast cereal, they keep showing cereal in situations where cereal is never ap-propriate. Ever. Like in the elevator. I have seen ads with an entire girls soccer team eating Chee-rios on the bench. That’s right, Moms. Cheerios, with milk, a bowl and a spoon is a portable snack suitable for the athletic field. I have also seen a commercial with a woman sitting in the branches of a tree eating cereal. In a fucking tree! They simply don’t want to show you images of people leaning over the kitchen sink, slurping the last sandy gulp of milk from the bottom of the bowl while they hurriedly hike their messenger bags over their shoulders.
mEDIA People finishing each other’s sentences: Here we show people from all walks of life, each speaking a fragment of a sentence, so that we at home can marvel at the bewildering juxtaposi-tion of ethnic diversity and unity of purpose. At the end of the commercial, each person in turn says only the last part of a sentence, again and again. This makes the commercial poignant. Repeating the entire last sentence one more time makes it extra poignant. The Stupid Man: On my message board we have come to refer to this phenomenon as DumbDaddy. Daddy can’t cook. Daddy can’t clean. Daddy can’t discipline the child. Daddy can’t control himself in the electronics store. Daddy runs in circles holding a baby at arm’s length. He has absolutely no idea what it is or why it makes that noise. Daddy takes the kids to McDonald’s because Mom is nowhere to be found. These commercials are meant to empower the female viewer by displaying men as weak overgrown children who Need Your Help. This foul treatment of men has been expanded to include Young Stupid Guy. Young Stupid Guy will chase a truck on foot because it has a picture of food on it. Young Stupid Guy will wrestle a live bear for a Bud Light. The worst part about the Young Stupid Guy commercials is that they are aimed at Young Stupid Guy. You’re supposed to want to be Young Stupid Guy. Actor tries to sound unrehearsed: This is when the actor goes “uh..” and hesitates and talks all slow, in order to sound more natural. All this does is piss me off. I’m like “SPIT IT OUT!” It doesn’t sound more natural, it just sounds like the person can’t remember what they were just talking about. Contextualizing a disclaimer into a conversation: Fantastic example are these new medi-cation commercials where they have to list all of the warnings and side effects for the drug, so they show two girlfriends casually talking over lunch about dizziness, dry mouth and heat rash. The Blue Liquid: The ad is for pads or tampons or diapers or any product that absorbs pee, and they prove the product’s spongeworthiness by pouring blue liquid on it. Sometimes they show a woman’s manicured hand delicately pouring the liquid from a test tube, the way it hap-pens in real life. Person who Doesn’t Get It: These commercials feature some thick-headed guy who just doesn’t get it. Even though someone is talking right to his face, the guy can’t hear or can’t un-derstand, leaving their exasperated friend to repeatedly shout, “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno” or “AFLAC” I should point out that repeatedly shouting ANYTHING within a 30-second period is a great way to annoy people really quick. It’s bad manners.
STAFF AT THE prINTED bLOG
michelle A. Doellman / assitant editorMichelle is finishing her last semester at Columbia College Chicago, pursuing a MFA in journalism. Originally from Quincy, IL, Doellman enjoys writing, reporting and her continued exploration of Chicago.
mark Cope / guest music editorMark has been in the music business for over 35 years, with experience working for labels, retail, distribution, artist development, and artist management. He has spent over 15 years in music journalism, working with The Album Network, Radio and Records, and CMJ, all weekly music trade publications. During that time he published a widely read weekly column called “Cope With It.” His passion is music!
STAFF AT THE prINTED bLOG