the secret sauce in honest relationships

8/13/2019 The Secret Sauce in Honest Relationships

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Randall E. Bennett, MA, LMFT, LCPC

Match Madein Heaven

Society


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Program 3:

The Secret Sauce

in Honest Relationships

by Randy Bennett


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Program 3 The Secret Sauce in Honest Relationships

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Hi, its Randy. Welcome to the Match Made in HeavenSociety series.

Im glad youre joining me today, because theres a hot button issue I want

to talk to you about, something that can either make or break you when it

comes to being a successful couple.

This hot button issue Im referring to is one of the biggest problems a

couple can face, and I see it all the time in my counseling practice. This prob-

lem gains a toehold in your relationship when the secret sauce for an honest

relationship is missing.

The danger of not having this secret sauce is that eventually, the very

foundation that glues you together as a couple will be leached away. You

can have everything else right in your relationship: great sex, fun nights out

together but if you dont have a free and open exchange of information

in your relationship, all those other good things are like pouring sand into a

bottle with a hole in the bottom.

So why is a free and open exchange of information so critical in relation-ships? There are many reasons, but perhaps the most obvious is that free

and open communication is how you and your partner build and maintain

trust.

And trust is the bedrock of your happy union.

But when one partner lies to or deceives the other, or simply holds back

information in a misguided attempt to protect their partner, they are essen-

tially closing down or at least significantly interfering with those critical open

lines of communication.

The effect of this is a reactivechange in the one being lied to. You would

begin to mistrust your partner as a way of protecting yourself from further

lies. In turn, even more damage is done to the lines of communication, be-


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cause now the partner that has caught the other being sketchy with the truth

will probably also begin to hold back.

Even a little dishonesty can create an open door for the #1 crazy-maker

in a relationship: doubt.

Because when you and your partner arent open with each other, or you

hedge on giving details about something, doubt creeps in. Doubt is the all-

time insidious relationship cancersilent, but deadly. It will begin to lurk just

below the surface of every interaction you dohave.

Doubt creates:

Gnawing anxiety

Crippling insecurity

And a plague of uncertainty.

This does not create the proper, nurturing environment for a successful,

healthy relationship. In short, doubt is a crazy-maker because it steals yourpeace of mind and sense of security within the relationship.

And you cant discount how important a sense of security is. Your relation-

ship can be seen as a type of safe haven, a place where you can relax and

just be, with a partner you can count on. If something happens to upset that

sense of security then what place is safe for you?

Doubt undermines your sense of security and belief in your partner.

In 27 years of counseling couples, Ive seen time and again the destruc-

tive power of doubt, how it wears a person down and shreds their guts, and

ultimately, the ties that bind them to their partner. And the only way to elimi-

nate doubt is to incorporate what Ive uncovered to be the single most effec-

tive method for ending it so you can move on to build a healthy relationship.


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Youre going to learn several things today, such as:

Why honesty and openness are critical to relationship success

How a lack of honesty manifests itself

The secret sauce for having an honest relationship, and

How to begin infusing that secret sauce into your relationship as quickly

as you can get it stirred in using 4 healthy relationship habits.

Ultimately, the secret sauce will bring a sense of security into your life,

something that benefits both of you.

Honesty and Openness:Do You ReallyHave It, Or Give It?

Everyone says they want honesty and openness, but so many relation-

ships are riddled with secrets and holding back when it comes to sharing

information. I have couples come in for counseling all the time who think they

understand what honesty and openness mean and believe theyre honestwith each other.

But theyre holding back (or worse yet lying) and dont even realize it.

Sometimes its because they think they may hurt their partner by telling

the whole, unvarnished truth. Other times, people have deep psychological

insecurities, or other issues they are dealing with, and they have a fear of be-

ing 100% out there with their partner.

Honesty is yet another area where we all need to work towards being

more mindful and aware of how we relate to our partner. Each of us must

consciously work towards being more honest and also learn to trust our part-

ner with our real feelings and actions. Often, Ive found in counseling couples

that its a matter of accepting the feeling of being vulnerable when you are


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wholly yourself and share your true needs.

For example, there was one couple I counseled, Bill and Kris. Bill wasntcompletely honest with Kris about his spending habits. He liked nice suits,

expensive Italian shoes, good watches and he was hiding the receipts and

intercepting the credit card bills when they came in.

When Kris happened to get to the mail first one day, she opened the credit

card bill and was shocked by the charges she saw racked up there. She

wondered, How did he get those in the house without my seeing, and why

didnt he tell me?

Bill was sneaking in the suit bags and other purchases. Hed tuck them

into his closet as if theyd been there all along.

Needless to say, these actions, and his inability to be honest about them,

planted the seed of doubt in Kris. Suddenly, she was questioning everything

about their relationship. As she explained to him during our sessions, If you

didnt tell me the truth about this what else are you not telling me?

Digging a little deeper into what was going on with Bill, I learned that he

grew up poor, and was made fun of for his clothes. It was important to him to

have nice clothes and to present himself in a certain way. What it came down

to was, Bill felt insecure about himself, regardless of the fact that he was a

successful businessman.

He struggled to tell Kris about his expensive shopping tastes, because

then hed have to admit to this insecurity and old hurt, something he viewedas a personal weakness.

As you can see, when someone isnt 100% honest, theres usually some-

thing more going on than just someone thinking, Hmm let me see if I can

get one over on my partner. Most people arent thinking like that.


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Of course, there are some people in this world who lie just to lie, who en-

joy playing games. Others may be trying to protect themselves or their part-

ner, either by outright lying or by withholding information. Some people dontwant to make others angry. Some may do it because they want to protect

some private space for themselves.

Regardless of the base reason, when youre not 100% honest and open,

it means dishonesty is present to some degree.

Honesty and openness are critical for achieving that match made in heav-

en. Both Bill and Kris wanted that, but uncovering Bills failure to share infor-mation nearly tore them apart. And its those little things that we arent honest

about that can have a ripple effect throughout our relationship, planting the

seeds of doubt and undoing all the good that doesexist in the relationship.

This is NOT how a match made in heaven operates.

Whats needed is a paradigm shift. You and your partner need to look at

100% openness and honesty not as giving something up or showing weak-

ness but as gaining something great.

So what does a match made in heaven do to ensure they gain something

great?

They practice a simple form of communication called transparency, the

secret sauce of healthy, honest relationships. Ive used this in my practice

for some time, and Dr. Frank Gunzburg, author of How to Survive an Affair,

speaks extensively about this concept.

He defines transparent as sheer enough to be seen through and free

from pretense or deceit. That means your partner is able to see through

your words and actions and motivations in a way that leaves no space for

doubt to creep in. You conduct your communication and actions in such a


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way that your partner wouldnt think of you as being dishonest.

Were going to talk more about transparency and how to infuse this secretsauce using 4 healthy habits. But before we do that, I want to give you a very

clear picture of how a lack of transparency in your relationship can quickly

cross the line into dishonesty. I call these dishonesty manifestations, which

I see happening all the time with couples who dont recognize the behaviors

for what they are: a lack of openness that leads to dishonesty.

Bill and Kriss story is just one example of how dishonesty comes about.

Altogether, Ive found there are six different manifestations for how couplesavoid being open with each other.

The Six Dishonesty Manifestations

Ive counseled so many people over the years that at some point, I see

patterns of behavior. I wont go so far as to say theres nothing new under the

sun, but people tend to behave similarly when it comes to getting bad results,

such as dishonesty, or when they get good results, which are the 4 healthy

habits Ill share with you in a bit.

For now, these are the six top ways in which Ive seen dishonesty manifest

in a relationship:

Dishonesty Manifestation #1: Evading Questions

The first manifestation is evading questions. None of us are so nave we

dont understand what that means: its sidestepping something we dont want

to answer, either by changing the subject or answering with a question. Its a

more subtle way of saying, Hey, look at that T Rex over there! You distract

the other person long enough in hopes theyll lose their train of thought.

And dont think people dont recognize when its being done. It insults

their intelligence, and makes them feel uneasy.


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For example, if you ask your partner, Why didnt you answer my ques-

tion about making plans for this weekend? and your partner says, I have a

big deadline at work Id better go call my colleague John and see if hesfinished his part then its quite obvious to you that your partner is trying to

slip out from having to answer your question. Maybe theyre really just preoc-

cupied, or maybe doesnt want to say, Im waiting to see if John wants to play

golf this weekend, and then Ill be able to tell you when Im available.

Dishonesty Manifestation #2: Misleading Your Partner

The second manifestation is misleading your partner, either by tellinglittle white lies or big ones. We may excuse ourselves by thinking, Its for

their own good or Theyd only get upset if I told the truth.

For example, lets say you go out for a drink after work with two colleagues,

Sarah and Jack. You only tell your partner you went out with Sarah because

you know hed feel suspicious about Jack. You tell a partial truth because you

dont want to upset him.

These justifications may seem like a good idea in theory, but in practice,

its lying. It doesnt matter how big or small, a lie is a lie.

Dishonesty Manifestation #3: Being Secretive

The third manifestation is being secretive. When someone is being se-

cretive, they usually justify it in their own mind as What they dont know wont

hurt them. But it does hurt, both your partner and your relationship, when

you do it.

When someone is secretive, its actually more obvious than the secret-

keeper thinks. It makes you suspicious You think, whats going on in their

head? You know something is simmering beneath the surface, you just dont

know what.


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Bill and Kris could fit this description. When Bill put on one of his new,

expensive suits he may have felt guilty, and his actions could have given

him away. Maybe he scurried to get out the door, when normally he wouldlinger over coffee. Kris would then be thinking, Whats going on with him?

because he is acting odd.

Thats where doubt gets a toehold: she may sense something, but she

cant figure out what it is, and so the question lingers in her mind, nagging

for a solution.

Dishonesty Manifestation #4: Being UnpredictableThe fourth manifestation is being unpredictable. This is about not know-

ing what to expect from the other. Its like having an unrestrained toddler

running around, and it creates a constant heightened state of alert, leaving

the recipient of the unpredictable behavior to wonder, When will the other

shoe drop?

Unpredictability is something that makes anyone feel uneasy. Its like not

knowing if youll be employed tomorrow because your company goes back

and forth between hiring and layoffs. The unease that creates is stressful.

For example, one day your partner is affectionate and loving, and the next

cold and withdrawn. Youre wondering if its something you did, but the truth

is, your partners boss reamed them out earlier in the day, and theyre upset

over it. Your partner may be too embarrassed to tell you about it, but you

certainly notice a change in their behavior.

If this unpredictability becomes a habit because your partner wont share

this emotionally-laden information, youll be in a near-constant state of stress

because you never know why they behave the way they do.


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Dishonesty Manifestation #5: Wanting Personal Privacy

The fifth manifestation is wanting personal privacy. The viewpoint takenhere is that being totally honest means giving away chunks of ones self. A

person who views questions from their partner as an invasion of privacy or

an interrogation isnt able to fully give themselves to the relationship because

they look at complete honesty as a negative thing. They want to keep some

corner of themselves hidden, a corner that is theirs alone.

For example, lets say your partner says theyre going to run errands the

same evening every week. But, theyre really going to acting lessons and forsome reason they want to keep that for themself.

It may not seem like a big thing, but why would anyone who aspires to be-

ing a match made in heaven keep a secret like that from their partner? There

should be no locked doors in an open relationship.

Dishonesty Manifestation #6: Not Sharing Details

The sixth top manifestation is not sharing details. This is where people Icounsel really get caught up. They nod and say, Yes, Im completely honest.

That was Bill, from our earlier example. He felt he was an honest person.

And 95% of the time, he probably was. But when he was dishonest 5% of

the time... do you see how damaging it was to Kris to find that out? It didnt

seem like much to him to not share details of his shopping, but it caused Kris

to doubt the other 95% of his actions.

So couples need to ask themselves: do I want to risk 95% of the hard work

I do in being honest with my partner by holding back on that 5%?

It doesnt seem worth it when you look at it like that.

They say honesty is the best policy, and generally thats because the truth


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has a funny way of coming out, such as Kris innocently opening the credit

card bill. Then, as you can imagine, the stuff hits the fan and the foundation

of the relationship is undermined because doubt slips in. The person whouncovered the information is hurt and bewildered, their trust in the other per-

son severely damaged, their peace of mind and sense of security ruptured.

And that cripples a relationship.

Why Dishonesty Manifestations Cripple Relationships

These dishonesty manifestations may not seem very serious, but they

create an environment where doubt can thrive like an invasive vine, choking

your relationship until it crumbles and stealing any sense of security you may

have had.

A sense of security is important because it provides a corner of the world

where you can count on something, and it gels your relationship together.

You want to be able to rely on your partner, and they want to be able to rely

on you, with few rude surprises. It doesnt mean we dont expect our partner

to grow and change. We just dont want to find out something along the way

that pulls the foundation out from under us, such as what happened to Kris

and Bill. It can be a shopping addiction, or it could be other areas, such as

your partner having shady business dealings or your partner finding out you

like to flirt A LOT when theyre not around.

I know of one couple that was in major financial trouble. He kept it hidden

from his wife in a misguided attempt at protecting her from worry and stress.

But when they lost their house, how do you think she felt? Broadsided and

their relationship actually ended in divorce. The blow was so severe and so

unexpected, everything she thought was truth wasnt, and she couldnt get

past that loss of trust.

A lack of transparency becomes a barrier to the type of complete emotion-


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al intimacy that a match made in heaven needs. Keeping parts of ourselves

hidden effectively erects a barrier to the open heart of our partner. If they do

the same, the relationship suffers.

Both partners will sense when openness and honesty isnt present be-

tween them. This creates a feeling of distance, as both partners may begin

pulling back and stop sharing parts of themselves to protect themselves.

Subconsciously, you may both begin to think, They dont tell me everything,

so why should I tell them everything?

At its core, the single most devastating impact is that nagging sense ofdoubt about each other, creating a near-constant state of anxiety and un-

ease. If you cant trust the person closest to you, the person you love, who

can you trust?

People can become consumed by thoughts like these, and its like having

a scab. In this case, youre picking at each others every action, snooping,

and analyzing every encounter you have in the relationship. You expend

mental and emotional energy in trying to figure out whats going on so you

can make doubt go away.

The feeling that someone is going behind your back and deceiving you is

both heart-wrenching and unsettling. But theres a spectrum here. On one

side is complete honesty and openness. Minor lies, which can be unsettling,

are on this end. In the middle are lies that are substantial and consistent

enough to make you wonder. The other end is profound lies so powerful that

over time you begin to question every action the person does.

The only way you can bring the relationship back to the honest and open

end of the spectrum is to infuse your relationship with the secret sauce of

transparency.


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Solution to Doubt: An Infusion of Secret Sauce

For couples who want to remove that seed of doubt, I tell them they abso-lutely must practice transparency.

When youre transparent, you dont hold back information and you dont

give your partner any reason to doubt you. If you can become so open that

your partner can actually see throughyour words and actions like a piece of

sheer fabric and feel confident they know what youre thinking and doing, this

allows them to feel secure that youre being honest.

Becoming transparent takes practice, and it wont happen overnight.

There may even be mistakes at times, or youll slip and use a little white lie.

It doesnt mean all is lost. What I ask you to do is keep trying.

Let me explain what transparency is NOT

Transparency is not reporting your every move or looking at your partner

as being your parent. If you think like that, youll quickly become resentful

and itll come across when you communicate.

Just so you know the difference, heres what reporting sounds like:

Honey, Im just calling to say Im on my way to the store. Im getting bread

and milk, whichll take me 10 minutes. But if theres a line, it may take 15

minutes. Then Im stopping for gas, which will take about four minutes

This is a blow by blow account, and no one wants to live like that. I cer-

tainly dont, and I dont recommend that to the people I counsel. Reportinglike that is exhausting, and serves no real purpose unless theres a case of

extreme betrayal, but thats a topic for another day.

Transparency is a basic sharing of information. Here are some examples

of transparency:


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Im just calling to let you know Im hung up in traffic and will be late.

I went shopping today and bought some new shoes.

I went out with my wine group for dinner. It was a mix of men and women

of all ages.

See the difference? These are basic statements of fact about what you

have done, and they are about common courtesy.

For example, when you call to say youre running late, it saves your part-

ner from wondering. Youre offering the gift of peace of mind. Your partnerdoesnt have to guess because youve removed the anxiety of not knowing.

Or, letting them know you went shopping or you went out socially with a

mixed group of people is a way of placing things clearly on the table. Your

partner wont come across your four shopping bags later and think, Why

didnt she mention she was shopping? or wonder, Was she out with a group

of men at that wine group? Doubt will have a hard time taking root in an

environment where this kind of common courtesy thrives.

This is how a conscious couple behaves: they look for opportunities to

care for one another, saving each other from unnecessary pain, stress or

anxiety. Theres enough of that in the world, and loving partners do what they

can to not add to the others burden.

Not one of these was formulated as a Mother, may I question. Its a vol-

untary transmission of information, not a 10-page report or debate. Youre

simply giving information as an act of courtesy and respect.

Also, please know that transparency does not mean being brutally honest.

Again, you want to be courteous to your partner, so you wouldnt say, I am

currently looking at that woman over there and wondering what it would be

like Thats being honest, but its brutal.


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Transparency is more of an art than an exact science, and itll take time to

get it right, with lots of practice. But it does bring many benefits In fact, Ive

found there are three mega-benefits that come with practicing transparency.

The Three Mega-Benefits of Transparency

To start with, transparency helps each partner actually maintain their

sense of individuality rather than take something away from them. Youre re-

vealing yourself fully to your partner and saying, Take me for who I am and

accept me.

Another benefit is that it contributes to each partner feeling that all-impor-

tant sense of security. You both get to feel safe and secure in one aspect of

your life, even if everything else is volatile. You feel happy and more fulfilled,

and it eases the constant anxiety in wondering, Whats my partner doing

now?

The third benefit is true intimacy. If you want a truly intimate relationship,

then be honest with each other. The more youre like an open book, the more

intimate your relationship can become.

All of us are driven by the craving for a close intimate connection with

another human being. And it begins with understanding how well were cre-

ating an environment of transparency for that to happen, and why we may

sometimes struggle with it.

So, its time to learn how to be more transparent. The follow 4 healthy re-

lationship habits will guide you on your way to infusing your relationship withthe secret sauce.

The 4 Healthy Relationship Habits

These are healthy habits, centered on transparency, that conscious cou-

ples repeatedly do to promote openness in their relationship.


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Starting today, I want you to practice each one, and if you like, you can

even record your efforts in some form of journal. Ive talked before about the

need to be mindful in your words and actions, and recording what you doand say and your attempts to improve habits helps you to be mindful. It also

gives you something to refer back to that shows progress in improving your

relationship and reaching the ideal of being a match made in heaven.

1. Assertive Communication

The first healthy habit is Assertive Communication. This means you

dont hide your thoughts or try to rule over your partner. You simply shareinformation in a direct, straightforward manner. Youre comfortable sharing

feelings, where you go, and even what your hopes and dreams are.

The assertive communicator strikes the happy medium between passivity

and aggressiveness: they state the facts and are open to suggestions, com-

ments and feedback. Its an honest, open style of communication, perfect for

transparency.

I want you to get started with this today. If you normally dont feel comfort-

able sharing information with your partner, be patient and make the effort.

Practice sharing information in a basic, straightforward manner. Every day, I

want you to practice this until it becomes a healthy habit.

We will be reviewing assertive communication in more detail in the future,

as it is a critical skill that benefits all aspects of your relationship.

2. Perspective Swap

The second healthy habit is practicing a Perspective Swap. This means

you try to patiently understand your partners point of view and opinions,

treating them with respect and dignity. I always tell my clients, Just because

your partner doesnt think like you, doesnt mean theyre wrong.


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Try to understand how your partner may respond to a given situation. For

example, if your partners running late one evening, you may not worry or

need a phone call. But when your partner expects one, you may feel sur-prised: it doesnt bother youwhen theyrelate.

With a perspective swap, you understand that while something isnt im-

portant to you, it may still be important to your partner.

I want you to practice this skill by working to see your partners perspec-

tive each day. When you are in the midst of conversation, hit your internal

pause button when you hear something you dont agree with. Then, putyourself in their shoes and try to see the difference between the way you see

the world and the way your partner sees it.

3. Foster Team Spirit

The third habit is to Foster Team Spirit. This means you have each others

back, and view yourselves as a team. Therefore, you communicate things

openlyfor the good of the team.

For example, if you want a flat-screen TV, you could just buy it, and deal

with repercussions later. But a healthy, transparent couple would work to-

gether as a team to make the decision.

You may not have the opportunity to do this every day, but you could start

small, such as asking for your partners feedback or opinion on something.

Asking your partner to share ideas helps foster team spirit.

4. Discuss, Dont Assume

The fourth habit is Discuss, Dont Assume. Lets go back to the previous

example of the couple that has different views on calling when late. Dont as-

sume just because something doesnt bother you, it wont bother your part-

ner.


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For example, maybe you like to attend happy hour, but it never occurred to

you to bring it up. You assume since your intentions arent badyou arent

there to pick anyone upyour partner wont have a problem with it.

However, your partner may not like the idea of you hanging out in bars

where singles congregate. You might not have bad intentions, but it doesnt

look good if you dont share the information with your partner. If they find

out later, you can lose major trust points: you have given the impression of

impropriety simply by withholding information.

Look for opportunities where you can discuss something with your partnerthat you normally assumed.

When it comes to transparency, we sometimes have to step out of the box

that is our personal world and see how the rest of the world thinks, reacts

and behaves. If you think all people think and feel exactly the same on all

issues and situations, youre going to set yourself up for relationship trouble.

Transparency is something you work towards. Its a process, and as you

work on it, its only right that I share with you some words of caution.

Infusing the Secret Sauce: Some Cautions

When you and your partner decide to be open with each other, you also

have to remain open to what you may hear, because many times, you wont

like what you hear.

I had that situation come up recently during counseling, where a man

asked for the truth from his partner, got the truth and then couldnt deal with

it. He said, You can tell me anything. So his partner tells him what she re-

ally feels, that shes been contemplating leaving. He flipped out and couldnt

handle it.

So the moral of the story is, dont say you want to hear me be honest, and


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when I am, you cant handle it and blow up. Sometimes, you may be uncom-

fortable with what you hear, so you have to steel yourself in advance.

Please realize that you probably arent going to like everything you learn

about your partner. I didnt like everything I learned about my wife, and she

didnt like everything she learned about me, either. You need to deal with it

and then move on.

Another caution: if you react badly when your partner is open with you,

theyll be scared to be transparent! Be able to admit when youve blown up

inappropriately after hearing the truth.

An authentic, intimate relationship requires transparency. You shouldnt

be doing anything to plant seeds of doubt.

Again, I can tell you, there are clear advantages to being transparent. It

benefits me. When I know where things are with my wife, I think, What a

relief, thats a part of my life I dont have to worry about. At least at home, I

have some certainty thanks to both of us actively practicing transparency. A

safe haven is a wonderful gift to give one another.

Also, Im around women and my schedule changes all the time, and my

wife never accuses me of an affair. I live in such a way theres no place for

doubt.

And that gives me peace. I dont have someone questioning me all the

time. I feel Ive established a reputation through my actions and my belief in

transparency. I want to be a person of character, and most people want tobe the same. But it does take effort.

So this week, I want you to look for opportunities to be transparent, using

the 4 healthy relationship habits. Even if you dont share this with your part-

ner, you can still set the example and do it. Theres nothing wrong with going


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first, just understand that you may initially feel vulnerable.

And I want you to get ready for next week Were going to shake thingsup a bit and work on something thats really fun: Im going to teach you how

to make your partner want youfrom across the room.

Like the popular song that was out a couple of years ago, Im bringing

sexy back, so stay tuned.

Until next time!

the secret sauce in honest relationships

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