the september artefacts part ii
TRANSCRIPT
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The September Artefacts Part II:
Raylawn Dreams
By:
Christain Pakozdi
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For my dinosaur, once more. You were the glorious remedy for my heart. I
shant ever forget or loose care for you. And to be quite honest, Im not even
sure this book of poems for how much my heart misses yours.
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I cant remember
The last time I fell
So deeply
For a man.
I would thin my very soul
For him
If he asked it of me.
There is no man I adore more
Than him, my monster,
My silver eyed shadow.
There are abysses that he and I
Would plunder.
I have never loved a man
So decadently.
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I had dreams
of settling down with you
like Id never had. I dreamt of dinners
and dishwashing.
I dreamt
of a life with you.
I had never had that
in my life
ever before.
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I only feel love
For the man
In the aluminium cavern
As he convinces me
He is the victim
And I am the perpetrator
Tough luck
For him
I will be
Cruel and rude
I will mirror
him
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I was his wife
Not physically
There were no
CeremoniesOther than
Two souls
Touched by one anotherWe were inseparable
In another life
It only wrecks my heart to knowWe are separable in this one
His heart is a paragon
Never has a man been so fond of meAs he
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One of my deepest failures
Is not showing you
That I loved youWhen I loved you
Because you are a demi-god
In destitution
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I rememberThe shapes
Of him
He was a stone manWho could soar in my skies
He cared for me
RestlesslyAnd took care
When my body was bad
But when things
Got toughHe bailed
And I collected my heart things
And found a road somewhere
I was walking and walkingFor days
Mourning my loveSomewhere down the line
When I gained my strength back
He found meSomehow
I shouted and screamed
My tyrannies justly
youre being melodramatiche said to me
How dare a man
Gone for monthsSpeak to me this way
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He fills my heart
With gratitude
I follow the rivers of the earth
In searchOf my own source of the nile
He is
The poorest of them all
But Id prefer my man in the trailer
To all the adorned mansions
In this world
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Today my heart hurtsThe most
He was just another lesson learned
But I swearHe belongs to me
And he has
My better daysIn fact those might have been
My best
I still wish
That I was his sweetheartThis book
Is my love letter
To my saint
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He never even sleptIn my bed
And never cared
For my familyId take the long way
To his heart
If I had toHe told me
I didnt do anything wrong
I beg to differ
There has to be some reasonFor this interminable sadness
Pain is my dowry
He is
And always will beMy dearest
Maybe weAre only summer lovers
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Always and foreverMy faded King
If I ever saw you again
Id get on my kneesAnd hug your feet
I weep for you
He made my soul feel invincibleI fed off of his
Worldly strength
He is my breeze
He took care of meAnd he reminds me
Of my father
Going above and beyond
Showing meWhat its like
To be loved
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A saintA monster
You are both
A manWho denies any wrong
He has ever done
His heartCould have never been mine anyways
It was always with
A woman who broke him
I cantCompete with that
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I have vilified youTo me
And all our friends
Because you didnt make me feelLike a woman
In the end
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I am the liquor babeWaitin in the corner
For a bad man
Whose brave enoughTo steal me away
Wholl give me
Something to rememberDesire
Is a brutal engine
It fills me
And leaves me sitting thereWaiting to be unleashed
Waiting to be
Turned out
I need to rideThe animals of the night
So Ill grip myself tonight
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He isA freedom giver
There is no place
Like KetteringNo place at all
One cannot simply
Bathe in cerealAnyplace else
But in the heart
Of peace
And in the midstOf my tragic altitudes
I hear the music of Good Spirits
And it takes me away
From my monsterMy bad bad man
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NothingWas the thanks I got
For kissing the ground
Beneath youAll the things
You didnt care for
Were more importantThan the things you did
I was never much to you
Not that I was satisfied with you anyway
Id love to seeYou beg and plead
Because in the end
You werent even worth my time
So much for you beingAlways on my mind
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I am devouredI want to
Smother you
And let you knowIll never forget you
But you took out your weaponry
And slashed at meI wonder if
Youre fuckin someone new
If so
Then Ill shatter her jawAnd let her know
Who owns you
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Its over for meIm just a desired doll
You left me for this pack of men
Crawling around meSniffing
My vulnerabilities
You fed me to themI am their meat
Dont you remember me
The one who bent over backwards
For youMy broken little man
Its ok
Ill make it good
For these menBecause youre done with me
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I love youBut who the fuck cares
I say your name under my breath
I thought you were the messiahYou might as well have been
The way that I worshipped you
Maybe Ill close my eyesAnd you will disappear
From memory
But for now
You drench over meAnd I cant count
The bottles that are on the floor
This feels
So fucking wrong
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Cleansing myselfOf you
Is a rough go
ApparentlyLoving someone
With every part of you
Is not as removableAs hoped
When you left
You left a warning on me
assembly requiredit reads
I am a puzzle
For the tough
ButTo be dearly honest
Id rather be a disassembled messThan have a man
Attempt to put me together
Because there are no handsLike yours
How dare
You make me believe
Someone could love me
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The worst part
Of this darkness
Is that youre not even tryingTo find me
I might as be
The shot up night babeThat men drive up to
In their secret cars
You never had much reasonTo be upset over me
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Part of me
Still wishes
I was within youIll never forget
That august day
I dared to come see youThat day
I found out
That anything could happenI fell inlove with a star
But after the War of November
The darkness grew in meAnd in between us
And you let it
But I realize
It doesnt matterIf I miss you
Or how muchBecause you wont ever have enough money
For a trip
Or you wont have the braveness it requiresTo come to family dinners
You have no idea
How heartwrenching you made winterFor me
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As winter
Comes to its sorry close
I strip myselfOf what could have been
And cover myself
With dreamsAll over again
I look behind me
And see youMy old dear
My Skyfall dream
And even though
I know you miss meLike I hurt
For you
You are
The toughest personI have known
You could fight a warOn your own
Thats how strong you are
To me
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Just because
You arent with me
AnymoreI will not crumble
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From you
I took aggression
I took paranoiaI took things
That arent stable
And when Im in a roomIll stare someone down
Or turn the music louder than they are talking
Just to show themWhose boss
Thats what you gave me
An unbridled domination
A testosterone levelTo match any man
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I understand if youve found someone new
Because in all honesties
We didnt matter anywaysNot in the end
I still love you
But it does not matterMaybe it never did
Because you are an arctic man
We were always just a shallow grave
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I once was in a basement
With a man who cooked me breakfast
I saw him in summerAnd loved him in fall
He left me
In winterAnd found another woman
Before spring
He moved onBecause thats the only thing he knows
I dreamt of traveling with him
And seeing the stars
In different placesI dreamt of dinners
And movies
And late nights making love
I miss his dog
And how she cuddled with meI wish he knew
That I loved her
But those
Are my Raylawn Dreams
Forever, unattainable
Goodbye
GoodbyeGoodbye