the shallot

R O C H E S T E R C O L L E G E ’ S F I N E S T N E W S S O U R C E

A S P E C I A L A P R I L 1 , 2 0 1 5 E D I T I O N

[email protected] is the maintenance email address for all of RC’s fix-it needs. Legend holds that if RC students have any issues with their dorm room utilities, they can email Helpdesk, and someone from maintenance will repair the problem.

However, some frustrated students claim that no helpful follow-up is ever received.

“Last year, a pipe burst in my dorm room. I emailed Helpdesk and told them that my room was flooded. A week later, maintenance delivered a pair of water wings. I spent the rest of the semester in a dorm room that doubled as a swimming pool. I was mad. Black don’t crack, but it still gets pruny,” sophomore Caleb Touchstone said.

Recently, Helpdesk’s email account was audited to check for any other cases of negligence. The following messages were uncovered:

Student Can’t Remember If Professor Is Doctor, Calls Him Sir to Prevent Embarrassment » Full story on page 35

Rochester College Hockey Team Deflates its Pucks in the “Battle for the Jug” NFL tested. Patriot approved. » Full story on page 71

Freshman Flushed Down AG Toilet Still MissingAfter two weeks, maintenance is still baffled. » Full story on page 24

the ticket is now closedAN INVESTIGATIVE REPORT ON RC'S EVER-SO-HELPFUL HELPDESK

“Honk, honk, HONK HONKHONK,” said Inspector Goose Pablo when

reprimanded about the poop circles plaguing campus. Since the above

photo was taken, the vandalism has been removed from the roadway.

FROM: [email protected]: ISIS?TO: [email protected]

Helpdesk:The Islamic State is getting out ofhand. Your military back up isrequested.

Urgently Yours,President Barack Obama

FROM: [email protected]: ISIS?TO: [email protected]

Mr. Obama:Our drones are not available at thistime. Have you tried forming analliance with Canada?

THIS TICKET IS NOW CLOSED. NO FURTHER ACTION CAN BE TAKEN.

Blessings,Helpdesk

FROM: [email protected]: Collab?TO: [email protected]

Yo Helpdesk:

I’m looking for anothercollaborator for my new album.Rihanna, Paul McCartney andLorde are already signed. You interested?

Yeezus Save You,Kanye West

FROM: [email protected]

SUBJECT: Collab?TO: [email protected]

Mr. West,Unfortunately, sick beats cannot be dropped at this time. Have you asked Nickelback to collaborate? That could be dope.


Blessings,Helpdesk

FROM: [email protected]: 50 Shades?TO: [email protected]

Casting Call:Universal Studios is searching for a lead actor to play Christian Grey in the new movie, “50 Shades of Grey.” Must be a young, strapping, attractive male. Any takers?

Sincerely,Universal Studios

FROM: [email protected]: 50 Shades?TO: [email protected]

Universal Studios,Unfortunately, Jeff is unavailable for filming at this time.


Blessings,Helpdesk

T H E

S H A L L O T

Geese complain about rc student population growth; residential students relocate

Mother Goose Katrina of the Lake Norcentra Canadian Geese gaggle has contacted Dean Candace Cain through goose calls and poop circles to discuss the growing RC student population.

“Rochester College is a school meant for geese. We’re worried about the problematic number of humans that have overtaken our territory,” Katrina said.

Father Goose Harry is considering using a flyover tactic of geese aggressive maneuvers to intimidate the students.

“Dean Cain’s job at this school is to advocate for goose rights, but if she won’t fulfill her duties, we’ll be forced to take matters into our own wings. These students are getting in the way of my daily prayer waddle from the lake to the back parking lot,” Father Goose Harry said.

The geese met with Dean Cain on the bridge over Lake Norcentra and explained that they would push her into the lake if a compromise could not be reached.

The geese told Cain that they feel threated by the death stares and shows of aggression the geese receive from passing students.

“Those death stares will be met with the honk of doom if they are not stopped,” said Enforcer Goose Pablo.

“Decreasing the student population by 40 percent will give us enough room to relax and be uninterrupted,” said Geese Elder Antoine de Relaxor.

Dean Cain listened to these complaints and, as a solution, offered to move all students currently residing in Gatewood Hall to off-campus apartments at Sunrise Living on Rochester Road.

“Freshmen are notoriously cruel to geese. Moving these young students, who frequently disrupt us with their loud noises and defecating problems, off campus will give the gaggle the serenity we need to live happily on the RC campus for centuries to come,” said Elder Goose Antoinette Bonaparte.

READ MORE INSIDE

»

From walking the halls of Kensington Palace to browsing the aisles of a grocery store, who knew the Duchess of Cambridge could be so ordinary?!

When Kate Middleton, 33, was recently spotted picking up a few different items for dinner

at one of London’s local grocery stores, moms everywhere took notice.

Eyewitnesses said Kate even wrote out a list of items to purchase, and it looked like she was preparing to make a home-cooked meal for her royal family.

Grocery store owners across town are in a “potato panic” ever since this photo of Kate purchasing potatoes was released.

“I’ve never sold out of one brand of potatoes so fast,” said Quick n’ Mart’s owner Jeffrey Jefferson. “The day after the photo of Duchess Kate was published, I had a line of eager moms out the door waiting for their chance to buy their own potatoes.”

Rumors as to what recipe Kate is using those potatoes for are flooding social network sites. The hashtag “#katespotato” is trending on Twitter as Kate fans submit their best guesses.

Which mundane activity will Kate be spotted doing next? Did the Royal Family enjoy their home-cooked meal? Where does Kate get her eyebrows waxed?

All these questions and more remain, but most importantly, we want Kate’s potato recipe!

Rochester College is infamous for matchmaking couples within its alumni and current student populations. With so many students getting hitched and receiving their rings before spring, Dr. Brian Stogner, provost, thought it was time to implement a degree plan to properly prepare girls for becoming wives. Contact your adviser if you are interested in pursuing a MRS degree. All courses fulfill elective requirements as well.

THE MRS. DEGREE: WIFEHOOD AND MARRIAGE 42

WED 1013 Wedding Planning 101 3

MRS_WEB 1003 Dealing with Future In-Laws 3

MRS 1013 Fundamentals of Marriage 3

MRS 1023 Introduction into Conflict Management 3

MRS 1113 Boyfriend to Husband: How to Transition 3

CHOOSE 6 HOURS:MRS 1213 Sewing 101MRS 1223 Intro into CookingMRS 2003 Cake and Dessert CraftingPSY 2323 General Childhood Psychology

6

MRS 2013 Aspects of Respect and Love in Marriage 3

MRS 2023 Wives of Cinema ORMRS 2033 Wives of Literature

3

HIS 3503 Women in American History ORMRS 3013 Famous Wives of the 20th Century

3

MRS 3213 Husband Psychology 3

MRS 3023 Balancing Marriage and Social Life 3

MRS 4013 Advanced Conflict Management 3

MRS 4023 Making a House a Home 3

Construction plans have officially been approved for a remodel of Barbier Residence Hall that would finally allow Dean Candace Cain those extra two floors of which she’s always dreamt.

This new expansion will halt all plans of a new campus athletic center, but Cain claimed that updating her apartment will really boost campus morale.

“The students will be so proud when they see what I’ve done with the place,” Cain said. “They should feel confident the tuition hikes required for this renovation are well worth it.”

Cain also reminded students that she controls all their chapel points and hopes that she won’t hear any negative feedback about this great opportunity.

With the new construction, Cain’s digs will gain two additional floors. One floor will be dedicated to her three dogs: Sammy, Pilot and Buckshot who will each have their own rooms. The second will be purposed for screening films.

Cain said after a long day of dealing with “RC’s finest,” she can’t wait to get home and watch her favorite rousing law enforcement flick, “Crime and Punishment.” “Something about bringing the hammer down relaxes me,” Cain said.

Construction on Cain’s new oasis is set to begin on April 1, and if the speed of building the campus’s athletic center is any indication of how long this project might take, Cain may have access to her newly remodeled home in a short 15-to-20 years.

Barbier Renovation approved:

RC Adds MRS DEGREE offeringHousewives rejoice as Kate Middleton shops for groceries

“THE HIGHER THE APARTMENT, THE CLOSER TO GOD”

» After several students inquired as to why Cain has been constantly singing Beyoncé’s “Upgrade U,” news of the renovation plans (pictured at left) were revealed.

T H E S H A L L O TPAGE // 02

Dean Candace Cain is a keeper of many things, and for the past school year she has kept a secret hidden from the student body of Rochester College.

Why do RC students no longer have memberships to Lifetime Fitness? If you confront our dean of students, she might mention “budget cuts” or an unfair move on behalf of Lifetime.

One thing she won’t mention is the truth. Recently, RC junior Dustin McMillan was sitting

at a local Taco Bell when he overheard an intriguing conversation.

“It was my night off from my duties as an RA in Barbier. I was just chilling at Taco Bell, enjoying my Crunchwrap Supreme, when I noticed some guys from Theta Chi sitting a few tables over,” McMillan said.

The men of Theta Chi often meet at Taco Bell for their weekly Magic: the Gathering tournament. The group used to engage in this activity on campus before it received a citation from Dean Cain for being “indecently nerdy.”

Rochester College super-senior Jesús Martinez was unable to return for the spring semester due to an error in his merit scholarship. This would have been his ninth semester at RC.

Martinez was an active member of the campus community. He was president of Alpha Beta Omega, the most exclusive club on campus, which was known for only allowing 12 members at a time. Martinez was also an enthusiastic campus ministry worker.

Martinez’s roommate and closest friend John Zeb vouched for his work in campus ministry.

“It was weird. Jesús was in charge of running Happy Hour every week. I never thought he bought enough snacks for the amount of students who always ended up coming, yet somehow we never ran out of Goldfish crackers,” Zeb said.

Martinez reflected fondly on his last meal in the Chartwells’ cafeteria.

“I sat around the table with all of my Alpha Beta Omega buddies, and the vibe was a real bummer. I was just like ‘Chill out, guys. You’re gonna see me again,’ ” Martinez said.

Martinez is currently working with the financial aid department and hopes to return for the Fall ’15 semester to finish his degree in Christian Ministry.

Barbier Renovation approved: From Lifetime to the RAC: The untold Story

Financial Aid falls through for jesÚs

“THE HIGHER THE APARTMENT, THE CLOSER TO GOD”

JesÚs reading Shield Magazine

Chris Forystek, Jacob Inbody and Tyrone North recreate the smelly scene

“Tyrone was eating a seven-layer burrito, but when I asked him if I could have a bite, he said no,” McMillan said.

Then, a bombshell dropped. “Chris Forystek looked up from his cards and

laughed at Jacob. He said, ‘Remember that time Tyrone ate a seven-layer burrito before going to Lifetime and then farted in the sauna?’” McMillan said.

This explosive incident occurred a mere week before Rochester College Lifetime memberships were terminated, which leads McMillan to suspect that Theta Chi, and not budget cuts, are what caused the gym switch.

“I loved going to that gym,” McMillan sobbed. “It’s a shame Tyrone had to fart and ruin the experience for everyone.”

Further complaints against the gassy members of Theta Chi should be made in person. The group can be found at Taco Bell on Rochester Road between 2-4 a.m. in the corner booth, where the social club gathers to drown its shame in tacos and card games.


Congrats, RC TENNIS!

What career prospects do these majors have?

Rochester 7-Day forecastS

77 -98 3 69 75 98 66O O O O O O O

M t W TH F S

ACROSS2. Nursing5. Pre-Med7. Chemistry8. English

DOWN1. Theatre3. Accountant4. Ministry5. Philosophy6. Math

7

8

6

5

4

3

1

2

ANSWERS:ACROSS2. Secretary5. Homeless7. Teacher8. Housewife

DOWN1. Waiter3. Cashier 4. Televangelist5. Hippie6. Frycook

Garth Pleasant Offering Scuba Lessons in Lake NorcentraSummer is right around the corner! Sign up for scuba diving lessons with Garth Pleasant! Garth is an avid diver and the murky depths of Lake Norcentra are ready to be explored! Suits and snorkels will be supplied.

Wanted: Involved Student for Every Emmy Nomination RC student government seeks one overly involved student to receive the following RC Emmy Awards: Best Hair, Best GPA, Best Presidency, Best Cure for Cancer, Favorite Cat Whisperer, and Most Likely to Die Prematurely of a Heart Attack!

Nude Theatre UnCovered Theatre Company will be holding open auditions for its summer 2015 program: Uncovering Uncovered Theatre, a fully nude theatre troupe.

Rochester Hills is a hub of Starbucks beverage diversity. With so many options, figuring out where to grab your next cup of Joe can be difficult. Fortunately, The Shallot has you covered, coffee lovers!

Meijer starbucksReeks of sadness. Use only in emergency.

target starbucksOffers lower quality coffee than a regular Starbucks, but conveniently located mere feet away from the dollar section of Target. Bargains galore!

Barnes and Noble starbucksOffers coffee comparable to that of a regular Starbucks, but more cheesecake is available and a wide array of reading material is at your fingertips.

Corner of South BLVD. starbucksIf possible, always go to a free-standing Starbucks in order to enjoy that “fresh-from-Seattle” atmosphere.

Corner of Auburn Road starbucksThe original gangsta of these coffeehouses offers all the best qualities of a free standing Starbucks, but with the added bonus of a drive-thru, so you never even need to use your own feet to get your coffee!


A definitive ranking of the completely necessary 5 starbucks on rochester road obituary

campus classifieds

(and in case you totally lack a sense of humor)

from all of us at shield magazine

congrats

Chris Shields IIRC students and faculty mourn the death of Chris Shields II, who passed away after chapel last week. Members of Autumn determined his death was caused by worshipping too hard; Shields was leading praise and worship songs, while also fiercely drumming on the bongos during

their latest performance. “We always knew it would be the bongos that took him down,” said Autumn member Jalen Seawright. Sadly, the photo pictured was taken just mere minutes before Shields went to be with his maker.

Wally the Warrior & Laura corp to tie the knotWally the Warrior and Laura Corp will marry May 1 in the beautiful Riverside Park located on the east section of campus! Wally is the college’s mascot and is poised to become RC’s next president. Laura Corp, soon to be Laura the Warrior, currently serves as student body president. The entire campus is invited to celebrate the nuptials of this power couple who plan to rule RC with an iron fist. To RSVP for the event, go to www.rc.edu/WedTheWarrior.

R E S T I N P E A C E

S H E S A I D Y E S !

W E E K O F M A R C H 2 9 - A P R I L 4

5

4

3

2

1

van for saleEarly 2000s Chrysler Voyager available for free. In pristine condition. Hasn’t been sitting for very long. Perfect for family

road trips. Probably not infested with bees. Haul all materials at own expense. DO NOT contact seller. Please just take it.

Chartwells CateringDid you know Chartwells Dining Services also offers catering? Our stuffed peppers, stir fry or pasta toss will make a great addition to your next wedding, birthday party or Bar Mitzvah! $5 per plate. Diarrhea free.

Personal/Platonic Man seeking woman for strictly platonic relationship that will lead to summer 2016 wedding. Holding hands is a hard limit. Will provide promise ring.

HAPPYAPRIL

FOOL'S DAY

FPO

Greetings from

$0 Down

Luxurious PALMER TimesharesLocated in the heart of campus, Palmer timeshares are perfect for your next getaway! All units feature a spacious open floor plan and golf cart access. Rooms with breathtaking views of the Clinton River are available. Plus, the residence is mere minutes away from popular attractions like the library and café!

the shallot

Documents