Following social club pledge week, RC psychology department saw a drastic influx of counseling appointments.

The cause of students’ emotional distress? PTSD from pledge week activities.

“I knew having pledge week was a bad idea,” Dean of Students Candace Cain said. “RC students just aren’t equipped to deal with that level of duress.”

The United Nations has since condemned pledge week activities, which range from such terrifying experiences as “being outside” to “wearing a t-shirt,” as tactics of torture.

“We haven’t seen this many clinical reports of PTSD since our soldiers got back from ‘Nam,’” Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald said.

Students boycott new cafeteria food “We have nothing to complain about anymore,” students claim. » Full story on page 27

Communications major stutters through symposium presentation “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate,” adviser said.» Full story on page 64

RC gym project postponed againIncidentally, Dr. Tyson buys a new yacht. » Full story on page 17

Pledge Week Activities Cause PTSD

Residence Hall Pot Bust Becomes Pet Bust

For weeks, RC residential students complained about a stench seeping from room 103 in Ferndale Hall every afternoon around 4:20 p.m.

“We didn’t want to have to intervene. Drug busts are no fun to make, but after a while, enough was enough,” Mercedes Hostetler, Ferndale RA, said.

“We ran out of options,” RA Shelby Ramey agreed, noting that residence life staff had tried every tactic from “pretending the problem didn’t exist” to “sending passive-aggressive all-school emails,” but to no avail.

“We hate to do it, but we had to move into code red: addressing the problem directly,” Ramey said.

However, when Residence Life Director Debi Rutledge knocked on 103’s door, she was amazed to find seniors Beth Hagerman and Natalie Redmond stone cold sober.

“The room stank, but it wasn’t Mary Jane’s fault,” Rutledge said. “The worst of the smell was coming from the bathroom, but the girls denied hiding anything.”

However, when Rutledge pulled back the shower curtain, she couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Beth and Natalie were hiding a skunk. They’d put a litter box in there and everything,” Rutledge said.

Through tears, Hagerman explained how exhausting senior year had been and how much having a pet had helped her cope.

“Keeping a Scottie dog in the dorms seemed impractical, but I thought a mid-sized forest creature was a good compromise,” Hagerman said.

Redmond tried to deny she even knew the skunk was a skunk.

“I always thought it was, like, a dank hedgehog,” Redmond said.

READ MORE INSIDE

»

The adjustment back to civilian life has been difficult for many pledges, but day-by-day, they are getting by.

“Before I transferred to RC, I pledged Sigma Theta Omega 3 Fatty Acid,” freshman Annika Huey said, referring to Oakland University’s most notorious sorority.

“As part of our initiation, I had to pull off all of my toenails and string them into a necklace for the chapter president. I still can’t walk right today,” Huey said. “But none of that comes close to the trauma I experienced as a Sigma Phi pledge.”

While Cain is not disbanding social clubs, she is calling for a restructuring of pledge week.

“Clubs can still meet next year,” Cain said. “But pledge week as we know it will be different.”

Under Cain’s revamped vision, pledges will be automatically admitted into clubs after idly thinking about joining one.

“This new system will make clubs more inclusive. As soon as pledges think about maybe joining a club, they will be permitted full member status,” Cain said. “This method will make sure no one gets their feelings hurt.”

However, if club presidents fail to accommodate that new member, the clubs will face a penalty.

“After all, pledge week’s old goals of unity and teamwork have turned out to be shockingly abusive,” Cain said. “Our new admission method of pandering and micromanaging will be more aligned with RC’s goals.”

"hotline bling" by drake declared national anthem

Recent studies conducted on cookies distributed by Rochester College’s ACE Lab have revealed the tasty treats contain copious amounts of Adderall.

Pre-med major Zachary Kwiecinski investigated the baked goods after noticing an outrageous

number of students had swiped in at the ACE lab. “It was unheard of ! These noisy nibblers

had overrun my peaceful study haven! I knew something fishy was going on. No one at RC studies on their own accord,” Kwiecinski said.

Kwiecinski performed the drug test and shared his results with a few friends. After a very productive couple of hours, they took the matter straight to ACE Director Caitlin Bechard.

“I never thought anyone would catch on,” Bechard admitted. “When I started working in

the ACE Lab, I didn’t realize how underutilized our resources were. Offering cookies boosted our

numbers, and adding Adderall was the logical next step. All I want is for our students to make the most of their education.”

“I’m thankful for these Adderall cookies,” Michal Smelser, ACE English tutor, said. “Students are finally focusing in my tutoring sessions now. And the cookies have boosted my productivity, too. I haven’t slept in three weeks!”

Until the cookie situation can be resolved, the ACE Lab will not be allowed to offer food. However, Bechard reassures students the ACE Lab coloring contest will continue.

“I know coloring is really just a waste of time,” Bechard said. “But at least people are finally swiping in to the ACE Lab!”

J.Cole’s cousin E.Cole-i and his band the Salmonella Crew played concerts at Chipotle restaurants throughout the nation on Feb. 8. E.Cole-i and his band had one million people show up at a downtown Boston Chipotle restaurant, including students from Boston College. “His music makes my stomach turn and the repetitive beat gets my bladder going,” Mark Walrus, a Boston College student, said.

E.Cole-i and his band are well known around the world for their music’s ability to cause audiences to have tender stomachs, leading to multiple fans rushing to the bathroom after each song. “Once they finish a song, a tidal wave of people rush toward the bathrooms,” Big John, E.Cole-i and the Salmonella Crew’s tour director, said.

The phenomena of the audience rushing to the bathrooms has caused all concert halls that host E.Cole-i and his Salmonella Crew to place buckets on the floor in case the band’s music attacks their fans excretory system so quickly they cannot make it to the bathroom. “My band and I have a unique way of connecting with our fans on a gastrointestinal level,” E.Cole-i said.

J.Cole’s Cousin E. Cole-i wraps up national Chipotle tour

ACE Lab Cookies Laced With Adderall

T H E S H A L L O TPAGE // 02

horoscopesW H A T ’ S Y O U R S I G N ?

Aries (March 21-April 19) If you’re given the choice of fish or chicken in the cafeteria this week, choose the chicken. Don’t ask why; just trust the stars.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Running away from your homework will finally catch up with you this week. Climbing into bed and playing dead won’t work either.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) The stars have been trying to tell you what the next week holds and give you advice, but you do whatever the heck you want, so they are officially on strike.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) When someone asks you what you’re doing after graduation, please try not to cry uncontrollably.

Leo (July 23-August 22) As a Leo, you hate when a show ends with big group musical numbers, so you will be pretty shocked and disappointed with what happens to the universe tonight.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) Remember spring is a great time of rebirth and renewel. Make sure to barricade your dorm doors and windows so all that fresh air doesn’t catch you.

Libra (September 23-October 22) At times this week, you’ll wish you could close your eyes and be done with college. Wait, no. Not sometimes. You’ll wish that always.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) The stars would love to give you relationship advice, but they’re getting quite tired of having to do it so much. So, they give up.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Sometimes the best thing is to do nothing and let life’s events unfold. However, that is not a life plan, and you should know it.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) This week’s horoscope has been classified by the FBI for matters of national security. You’ll probably be fine. Please carry on.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Taurus has a wonderful romantic experience coming up this week. It sucks for you though because you’re an Aquarius.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) The stars are very sorry for telling you that you would have an influx of “money” last week and peaking your excitement. They forgot the “k” and hope your monkey bites are healing well.

a night atthe museum

w i t h H U E Y & 0 0 7

Last Wednesday, Dr. Gordon MacKinnon, professor of psychology, shocked his Sci-fi, Fantasy and Horror class when his lesson on zombies took a turn for the gruesome.

“The whole class knows that Dr. MaKkinnon loves zombies,” freshman Adina Vanloo said. “So at first we thought it was really cool when he came in dressed as one.”

Junior Kaitlin Milligan agreed.“Dr. MacKinnon had the whole outfit down,”

Milligan said. “He even smelled like rotting flesh.”However, no one in the class expected MacKinnon’s

devotion to the lecture would extend to eating co-professor Dr. Greg Stevenson.

According to eyewitness reports, MacKinnon limped into his morning class blood splattered and deathly pale.

“He was moaning something that sounded like ‘Graaaaades.’ At first we thought that he was really

This afternoon, God’s self-proclaimed vessel, rapper Kanye West, found himself in yet another Twitter beef. The offender? Himself.

The argument sprung from an innocent tweet West sent out proclaiming his album “Graduation“ is the greatest album of all time.

But West’s opinion in the matter offended West, who weighed in with a different take.

West then tried to diffuse the situation by suggesting that West’s “Late Registration” should be at the top of the list instead.

As the fighting devolved, West turned viciously on West.

Will West ever reconcile with himself ? Read more on pg. 12A.

The feud continued as West overturned all of his previous opinions and called his album “Yeezus” the true masterpiece.

Horror is Real in Dr. Mackinnon’s Zombie Class

Rochester College Word Searchd l j f a l k j f k j h e w n k i d v n s p w q r

s d l k a j l k j w o i j a f d a k f j w e l j g

v k l n a s d v l j w r u o h d s f k p b v a s d

s d f a l j w e h g v k b s v d a k b j e a l w e

o b s d f w p y e t k b j s d v k n l g u o b p h

d h l f e q r m u g r e h d f o y j i a w e o i w

w o l i h v f l h j e r g h a w r k b j v s d a k

d f a s k l h e w o i h v f k b j w e r k e s d f

f k j h e w n k h f j b v a s o u t h a o b u b n

s d f a l j w e h g v k b s v d a k b j e a l w e

v k l n a s d v l j w r u o h d s f k p b v a s d

Kanye West Gets Into Twitter Feud With Kanye West

disappointed with our papers. It was only after he bit into Dr. Stevenson’s leg that we realized he was saying, ‘Braaaaaains,’” Vanloo said.

For a second, the class laughed as they watched their professors’ inside joke unfold.

“But then Dr. Stevenson started screaming and we all realized that he was losing way too much blood for this to have been planned,” Milligan said.

Panic ensued in the classroom. In a mad rush to the exit, four students were trampled to death.

The zombified MacKinnon attacked the remaining students who stayed at their desks, paralyzed with fear.

After crunching through their skulls and ripping out their brains, MacKinnon took his feast back to his office in Muirhead.

The psychology department has been quarantined until a zombie hunter can be located.

T H E S H A L L O TPAGE // 03

AladdinAlma GatewoodBarbier Candy CainFerndale HoggattGallaherHamLake Norcentra MuirheadPalmerRACWarriors

PSA: for the safety of the couples inside, don’t tap on the café glass. Mating season is very brief. Any disturbance caused by passersby could damage the couple’s chances of achieving a ring by spring.

Missing: Dr. HueyDr. Keith Huey, associate professor of religion, has been missing since midwinter break. Students have reported that a ruggedly handsome man with contact lenses and scruff has been substitute teaching Huey’s spring classes.

Nursing Department: Bodies Needed Donate your new or gently used bodies to the RC Student Nursing Association’s cadaver drive. We’ll compensate with cookies!

T H E S H A L L O TPAGE // 04

obituaryspotted!

help me

campus classifieds

(and in case you totally lack a sense of humor)

from all of us at shield magazine

Last Saturday, we bid farewell to our beloved residents of Palmer apartments, who met their watery ends as the building finally eroded into the Clinton River.

“They were all so young. So promising. So married,” Dean of Students Candace Cain said. “They had a school-subsidized place of their own and were living the RC dream. The campus will miss them.”

From her room in Barbier Hall, Cain said she could hear crumbling and a splash late Saturday night, but she didn’t investigate.

“Late night crumbles and splashes are generally residence life’s responsibility,” Cain said.

When interviewed about the deaths, Residence Life Director Debi Rutledge disagreed.

“Actually, late night crumbles and splashes fall under campus security’s jurisdiction,” Rutledge said.

RC weekend security could not be located to comment on the matter.

I’ve been hoverboarding around campus all semester, but my charger broke and my battery ran out. Can someone pick me up? I’m lying in the flag circle. Does ACE Lab offer tutoring for learning how to walk again?

The engagement between Wally the Warrior, beloved school mascot and devoted fiancé and former student body president, Laura Corp, has been called off.

The couple’s wedding had been scheduled for May 1, 2016, immediately following Corp’s graduation.

Corp said she initiated the breakup and claimed she wants time out of college to “start a career” instead of locking down her future by “marrying a Muppet.”

R E S T I N P E A C EP U P P Y L O V E

A S T U D E N T S . O . S .

Oh, Snap!C O R P M O V E S O NW E E K O F M A R C H 2 7 — A P R I L 2

Seeking: Tickets to Beyonce’s Formation World TourI’m a broke college student so I can only pay $15 cash, but I can give you the answers to Dr. Greer’s Western Civilization final, a fresh batch of brownies and my left kidney, too. Email eharmony@rc.edu if you’re selling.

HAPPYAPRIL

FOOL'S DAY

Unfortunately, to assemble this kit, you have to provide your own liberal arts degree and stack of expensive and out-of-print textbooks.

However, I liked that the kit comes equipped with a guide to yuppie-speak, including phrases like, “I minored in psychology, so I really understand people,” “Is that vegan?” and “Let’s move to New York City.”

My kit is missing its “sense of entitlement” piece, though, so I expect a full refund because I did not sign up for that crap.

Campus pups Minnie and Leo were recently spotted canoodling

in Dearborn Commons. Rumor has it the rebellious duo were written up

for repeatedly breaking the “one tushie per seat” rule. Ruff day, indeed!

User Reviews: IKEA’s Post-Collegiate “Sense of Purpose” Starter Kit

CAREER SERVICES SPRING JOB FAIR!

When: April 1, 2016 at 6 p.m. Where: Gold RoomWhy: Graduation is just around the corner!

WHAT YOU’LL NEED TO BRING: • Bachelor’s Degree (4.0 GPA or higher)• 4-6 years industry experience• 3 volunteer internships• Your firstborn• Any sense of dignity left intact