the tale of epic mcawesome, or the best book ever writed

7/28/2019 The Tale of Epic McAwesome, or The Best Book Ever Writed

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CHAPTER 1

The Daily Life of Epic

McAwesome

There was once a guy named Epic McAwesome. This

guy was a pretty regular guy, except for the fact

that he was incredible in every way humanly

possible, and some that weren't, including (but not

limited to) being stronger, faster, smarter, and

awesomer than anyone else in his town. The only

person cooler than him was me. Epic lived in a

suburban town called Suburbia, and it was awesome,

like everything else about him. But he was lonely

and misunderstood, because no one was quite as

awesome as him. All his friends thought he was too

amazing to believe, and everyone else was jealous


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of him. All the people who were jealous of him

liked to be mean bullies all the time, saying mean

stuff to the young Epic McAwesome, and that made

him sad. But he was a tough kid, and at the age of

seven he decided to become a pro football player.

He played football with all the major teams, and

every team he played on went to the Superbowl. But

he decided to retire with millions of dollars after

only seven years, and he shamed all the bullies in

every way humanly possible. In fact, most of the

people who had made fun of him were so ashamed,

that they decided to put themselves in jail. But

none of that really has anything to do with the

story. Because at this time, Mr. McAwesome is

completely happy with his life and everyone loves

everything about him.

But on the day I take you to now was February

30, Epic was sixteen and living on his own. Even


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though he wasn't a legal adult, it didn't matter

because he was still the manliest man in the world

(except for me). The first thing he did when he

woke up that day was to put on his cloths, a green

shirt, blue jeans, white socks, and no shoes. Epic

hated shoes, because they made his toes itch.

Besides, he was a trained fire walker, so it was

always okay to walk on whatever was on the ground

for him. His parents didn't exist, because he was

born out of pure coolness, so Epic made his own

breakfast of toast and eggs. But they were Epic

toast and eggs, so it wasn't like a normal person.

In fact, instead of chicken eggs, fried two ostrich

eggs, and he had made the bread with the ground

bones of the bear he strangled. His whole body was

thin and muscular, with an Epic buzz cut, and all

the girls were looking in his windows. As Epic

pulled the curtains closed, he leaned back in his

chair and considered what he would do that day.


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Maybe I should go see a movie or something, he

hummed to himself. After all, it's always a good

time for a movie.

He looked out his window again, and decided it

would be better not to, since he would probably be

swarmed by girls the second he stepped through the

door. Perhaps he should go in disguise? He looked

through the newspaper, but found that nothing

seemed to be on that was cool enough for someone

like him. Well, there went that idea.

I might as well work out, he decided. While

I watch TV and practice my ninja skills.

So he did. He did 100 pushups, then he did 400

situps, then he bench pressed his couch while using

his toes to channel surf. As usual, nothing was

Epic enough for him. He considered if he should

actually break down and get dish. But whatever.

He decided after a while that it would be best to


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watch some manly Saturday morning cartoons. After

all, what's more manly than Spongebob and My Little

Pony? Absolutely nothing! Ponies rule the world!

YEAH!!!

After he was done, Epic quickly combed his

amazing hair. He hadn't worked up a sweat with

such a simple workout. But he still needed to find

something interesting to do for the day. After a

moment's thought, he decided to put on a trench

coat, because it would be cool. Then, he sneaked

out through the back door. The girls never looked

for him in his backyard! With a quick jump, he

leaped over the eight foot tall fence, running into

the street and expertly weaving through traffic.

He had to get some donuts for the day. He always

ran out of donuts. But that's okay, because he

also got his regular pay check for being the

coolest man alive (other than me). Therefore, he


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had money for everything. And, when he didn't have

enough money for something, he could just ask one

of his fans. What a cool guy!

The cashier, Bobby McBob, looked up as Epic

walked into the shop.

Howdy, dude, Bobby said. You're the

awesomest person ever, how many doughnuts do you

want today?

Thanks, man Epic said. I just need a dozen

for the weekend.

That's normally ten dollars, but for someone as

cool as you, it's only six.

Yes, that makes sense, Epic said. Here you

go.

Bobby handed Epic a box of doughnuts, which Epic

took. He stepped outside, to see a mob of girls

running his way, holding up traffic in their wake.


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Darn this coolness, Epic said. Sometimes it

feels like a curse.

He quickly scaled the wall of the doughnut shop,

making another clean getaway. It was time to go

see his love. The great and nice and wonderful

Mary. Epic didn't know her last name, but she sure

was pretty, and he loved her with all his heart.

In fact, he had known that he loved her even before

he met her in the chat room. Come to think of it,

he still hadn't met her in person. But she was

still amazing.

I know, he said. I'll meet Mary today.

Since I have an amazing sense of direction, I can

find her almost immediately.

Mary Smith was a lovely girl, with thick red

hair and the most beautiful smile you ever saw. On

that fateful day, she was sitting in front of her


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computer, working on some awesome stuff, like

watching videos of kitties. She was 20 years old,

and dating Epic online, and it was okay that he was

technically not an adult because 1) he was so cool,

and 2) Hey, if glittery vampires can date teens,

why can't 20-year-old retired people? After all,

why not retire when you've just inherited ten

million dollars, with absolutely no inheritance

taxes. You see, inheritance taxes are only for

people NOT related to Epic McAwesome in some way.

And dating him is the best way to not pay taxes,

unless you're a guy. He's totally not gay.

As she was finishing her breakfast, Mary heard a

knock on the door. She quickly hurried downstairs

to see who it was. To her surprise, when she

opened the door she saw a man in a cool trench

coat. It was Epic McAwesome! Isn't that cool?

Mary nearly swooned from his pure coolness. It


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radiated off of him like the smell radiates off of

overripe bananas.

Hello, Mary, Epic said. It's good to see

you.

It's good to see you to, she said from her

spot on the floor where she had lost her balance.

You should come over more often.

Yes, I probably should, he said. Doughnut?

Mary happily took one of the pastries from

Epic's box. It was the most amazing doughnut she

had ever tasted. But since HE had bought it, why

wouldn't it be the best doughnut ever. The day

went quickly for them, and it was with many tears

that they parted ways. Epic started home, and Mary

stayed at her place. But they both knew they would

see each other again soon. In fact, their next

date was scheduled for the following Tuesday.

As Epic walked towards his home, he couldn't


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help but feel like he was being followed. His

intuition kicked in, and he twirled around to punch

a mugger right in the face. The guy fell down

unconscious, but there were six other goons with

him. Epic knew that he had been set up, even

though he hadn't planned on going to see Mary or

anything like that. Apparently, someone had just

known he would be out doing something that day.

You're not gonna get away with that, one goon

said. We're going to beat you up and take all

your money.

Yea, said another goon. Plus, if we can take

on the most amazing and coolest person ever, then

we'll be the most amazing and coolest people

ever!!

Hey, I'm the real coolest person ever, and

you'll never be able to beat me.

All the muggers shuddered when they heard the


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author's voice.

Please, take it easy, said the leader. We

meant the secondcoolest person in the world.

Everyone knows you are the greatest.

Good.

Well, Epic said. That was certainly...

interesting. Now, can we get this over with? It's

getting late.

Yes, the lead mugger said. It sure is, my

mom will probably be wondering where I am. Let's

get him!

With that, all seven goons charged at Epic with

baseball bats, except for the one who he had

knocked out. That one just stayed on the ground.

It's no fun to be knocked out (take it from me. I

wasn't always the awesomest person in the

universe). They began viciously beating on his

rock-hard abs, but all their baseball bats cracked.


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Then, it was McAwesome's turn. So, he hit the

first thug in the face, breaking his nose and

knocking him out. The next thug tried to bite

Epic, and it actually hurt when the guy's teeth

sank into Epic's awesome bicep. But it was only a

flesh wound, and Epic easily threw the unfortunate

man to the ground, stomping on his face to knock

him out as well.

The thugs tried to get away, but Epic knew he

couldn't let these people get away. He easily

grabbed all of them, and slammed them into a wall.

Then, he called the police with his mind. Soon,

sirens could be heard in the distance, and Epic

knew his job was nearly done. The captain of the

force saluted him, smiling broadly.

That's the third group this week, the captain

said. Are you sure you don't want to become a

superhero? After all, you're so much better at


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dealing out justice than people who are paid to

dish out justice.

No, Captain, Epic said. I just want to be of

service wherever I can, whenever I can. Besides,

most of them attack me in order to steal my

coolness.

Whatever, the captain said. Well, have a

good evening, Epic.

You to, Captain, he replied.

As Epic started home, a menacing figure took his

eye away from the massive telescope of evil. Yes,

this Epic McAwesome would be a problem, the villain

knew. But there was no way that would stop him

from bringing about his evil plans. The cloaked

man let out a long, loud laugh of pure madness as

he madly ran around his lair of evil, viciously

scribbling down ingenious plans that could bring an


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end to the world as we know it.


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Chapter 2

Evil Comes To Town

Seven evil goons sat in a prison cell together,

planning to do bad things. It was no fun being

sent to jail for trying to beat up the (second)

awesomest person in the entire world. But here

they were, in jail, with no trial. After all, why

would anyone who tried to hurt Epic McAwesome

deserve a trial? Those losers were lucky they

weren't immediately executed! In fact, why weren't

they executed? It would have saved society and

taxpayers a lot of time, trouble, money, and time.

That's what should have happened, but it didn't!!

What we gonna do now? asked one of the dimwit

nincompoops. We couldn't beat him, and now we're

in jail for trying.


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Here's the plan, said their leader, Boss

Nincompoop. We'll use plastic spoons to tunnel

through the concrete wall. Then, we'll try running

McAwesome down with a tank!

Great idea! said another bad guy. But where

will we get a tank?

And how will we tunnel through concrete with

plastic? asked another one.

Easy, said boss the boss nincompoop, Bill.

We've just got to be patient to get through the

wall, then we need to steal a tank from the

military base that is conveniently right down the

street from the prison!

But what if we get caught? one asked.

They'll probably shoot us with flamethrowers, then

eat our roasted flesh!

The gangstas began arguing, but the argument was

cut short abruptly by an argument stopping sound.


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They all listened intently, until... the wall

exploded. Fire and cement flew everywhere, but

none of the thugs got hurt because they're an

important plot element. After all, a great villain

needs henchmen, am I right? Yes, I am, because I'm

always right. As the smoke cleared, a man stepped

into the small and stuffy cell.

Hello, he said. I am your new boss, Lucifer

Diabolic, soon Lord Diabolic or Grand Emperor

Diabolic. Or maybe 'that guy who destroyed the

entire world.' Take your pick.

Cool, said Boss Bill. We're totally in!

Yea, I've always wanted to be a homicidal

maniac's henchmen! one of the others said.

Splendid, Diabolic said. Now, take this

serum, and inject it into yourselves. It will make

you into perfect minions.

Diabolic handed Boss Bill a syringe, which Boss


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Bill proceeded to jab into his arm. As soon as the

serum entered his bloodstream, Boss Bill could feel

his body change. He became tougher, stronger, his

skin turned gray, and his eyes became a glowing

red. His teeth grew into fangs. The others all

clapped happily as they saw their boss turned into

a perfect minion for the evil Lucifer Diabolic.

So, what exactly am I? Ex-boss Bill asked.

Well, Diabolic said. I took DNA from a

frozen vampire, a zombie, and a ninja, and then I

put it all in that syringe. So, you're a

Vampzominja.

Cool! all the bad dudes shouted in unison.

Yes, it is, Diabolic said. After all, I,

being the smartest man in the universe, used my

genius to make the serum. So how could it not be

cool?

All of the thugs immediately injected themselves


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with the stuff, turning into similar vampzominjas.

And they were awesome, because Lucifer Diabolic had

made the most amazing of all formulas with his

geniusness. How evilly awful of him! But it's

still pretty awesome.

Epic McAwesome finished his eighth set of car-

presses, deciding that it had been plenty for the

day. But just as he was getting ready to go

inside, he felt something was wrong. Something was

horribly wrong. Terribly wrong. Very bad. In

fact, it was the most bad thing he could ever

imagine. What could be happening? He knew he had

to find out.

The mob of girls closed in around Epic as he put

down the car he had been lifting. Admittedly, it

had only been a small car, but even someone as

awesome as Epic McAwesome was still technically


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human. Even if he was more cooler than any other

human ever to live. Besides me, of course.

Would you please stop saying that? Epic asked.

You haven't even done anything.

Shut up! Who's writing this story? You, or me?

Whatever, Epic said. I may be the epitome of

Mary Sue, but at least I'm not some pathetic voice

who just sits around bragging about how awesome he

is.

The author didn't respond to that.

So, where were we? Ah, yes, Epic was trying to

escape from the fan girls. He quickly leaped over

the nearest one, running down the street as fast as

his amazingly large and powerful legs could carry

him. He was at the prison in no time. But he was

still too late.

Epic! one of the guards called. We've got a


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breakout, and we don't know what to do because

you're the only competent person in this story!

Yes, I know, Epic replied sarcastically. But

what exactly happened?

Some horribly evil person blew a hole in the

wall and turned a bunch of inmates into

vampzominjas with his evil serum of terrible

badness, the first guard said. Actually, that

was pretty cool.

I imagine it was, said Epic. But where did

they go?

His question was answered by the sound of an

explosion in the distance.

Officer, Epic said. I think I might need to

borrow a car.

BWAHAHAHAHA! Lucifer Diabolic cackled. Not


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even Epic McAwesome will stop me from destroying

the entire world!

The vampzominjas... you know what, that word is

getting on my nerves, let's just call them

minions... anyway, the minions all laughed as well.

They were busily stealing things from the secret

military base mentioned earlier. Such as a tank,

guns, nukes, and internationally illegal bio

weapons such as zombie and vampire viruses.

Wait... why does Lucifer Diabolic need vampire and

zombie viruses if he already had the DNA to make

his minions...? Oh, who cares? It's just too much

awesome for anyone to really care. See, this is

really the best book ever, because everyone stops

caring about plot holes!

Not so fast, someone called out.

The evil villains stopped what they were doing,

realizing that they had been spotted. All of them


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turned to look to the source of the voice. It was

the (second) most amazing hero in all the world!

There he stood, in all his glory and muscly

amazingness. It was Epic McAwesome!

Oh, I see you've come to join the party,

Diabolic said. Come, tussle with my minions.

Let's see how well that goes.

Bring it on! Epic responded.

The seven minions circled around Epic, with

throwing stars and stuff like that glinting in the

light of Epic's awesomeness. Then, ex-boss Bill

charged, baring his fangs and slashing at Epic with

his ginormous claws. Epic easily dodged out of the

way, and quickly retaliated by kicking ex-boss Bill

in the gut. The minion fell to the ground,

writhing in pain. The other six minions went after

Epic then.

Epic jumped up into the air, kicking two of the


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minions right in the face while simultaneously

grabbing a third by the head and doing a back flip

to land on his feet behind the mutant freaks. Only

three were standing now, but they had learned from

the mistakes of their brethren and... oh, who am I

kidding? Epic easily smacked all of them into

submission. Then, it was just Epic McAwesome and

Lucifer Diabolic.

You're stronger than I expected, Diabolic

said. Could we possibly just be friends?

Ha! Epic laughed. I'd never be friends with

a dastardly villain who does evil things like being

bad!

Well, it was worth a try, Diabolic muttered.

I guess I'll just have to destroy you myself,

then.

With that, Diabolic took off his cool black

coat. Then, he began to grow really muscly. His


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shirt busted open from the transformation, and his

fingers grew into massive claws. His eyes turned

red, and spikes began growing out of his back. His

teeth got really big, and he had a huge tail.

Well, Epic said. That was, rather clich.

Although the transformation sequence is usually at

the end.

Yes, yes, Diabolic said. I know that most

villains die right after the epic transformation,

but I'm not most villains. I am LUCIFER

DIABOLIC!!

With that, He charged at Epic McAwesome. Epic

lazily stepped out of the way. After all, as the

hero, how could Epic ever be defeated? Then, he

felt a pain in his gut, and felt himself flying

across the room. He crashed into the wall, and it

hurt. Diabolic had hit Epic with his tail! That

wasn't fair!


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See, Diabolic said. I'm not your average

villain who will fall before your coolness.

Epic jumped to his feet, grumbling angrily.

You just caught me off guard. Let's see if you

can do that again!

Diabolic proceeded to hit Epic in the face with

his tail, sending the amazing awesome hero

sprawling again. Epic realized that this was going

to be tough. Then, he got an idea.

As Diabolos pulled back his tail to hit Epic

again, Epic grabbed the appendage and used it to

pick Diabolos up and swung him into the ground.

Diabolic screamed with fury, getting back to his

feet immediately with no significant damage. Boy,

these guys are both so awesome! Someone should

make this whole thing into a movie! That would be

the coolest thing ever!

Sorry, said a Hollywood executive. We're


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making plenty of bad movies already this year.

Maybe some other time.

I still think it would be the coolest thing

ever.

Could you quit with the off-topic jokes and get

back to narrating the story? Epic asked as he

wrestled with the most dastardly villain of all

time. I really want to get this over with so that

I can go home and watch my show.

Same here, Diabolic said. This is getting

kind of boring.

Well sorry! I was just negotiating a movie deal,

but if that's not important to you, I guess I'll

just go back to narrating.

Epic and Diabolic fought all afternoon, with

neither one getting the upper hand or hurting the

other. Eventually, they decided to call it a draw.

Epic took the military stuff, and Diabolos took all


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his henchmen and called it a day. Then Epic went

home to watch some cartoons.


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Chapter 3

OMG!! ZOMBIES!!!

Well, said one of the cops. It looks like

they got away. I've never seen anyone get away

from you before, Epic.

Neither have I, Epic replied. That Satan

Diabolos is just as unbeatable as me. This should

be impossible.

Maybe he cheated! the captain exclaimed. He

cheated by turning into a giant mutant! That's why

he was almost as tough as you! We should add two

life terms to his sentence for that!

Yes, you should! Epic responded

enthusiastically. Or maybe if he does something

bad enough, you should give him a beheading!


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YES, YES!! To heck with the trail, we'll lynch

him as soon as he's caught! said the captain. No

one likes dirty cheaters or people who pretend to

be as cool as Epic McAwesome!

Epic and the cops continued to think up ways to

deal with the dastardly Satan Diabolic, thinking up

newer and more creative ways to dispatch him. In

fact, this went on so long that they didn't notice

that a box of nukes and a vial of zombie virus were

gone...

Grand high coolest best boss ever, said ex-

boss Bill as they were driving away from the

smoking wreckage of the military base.

What is it? Diabolic asked grumpily as he

patted his overcoat back into place.

I picked up some nukes and a bunch of zombie

virus while that cool Epic McAwesome wasn't


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looking.

Diabolic looked over at his minion. Maybe ex-

boss Bill wasn't quite as useless as he looked.

Let's see what we've got, then, Diabolic said.

Ex-boss Bill handed over the vial and a box with

'NUKES' written on the side. Diabolos looked at

the vial, which said 'makes zombies, do not use

ever (unless you are an anti-terrorist government

agency)' written on it. Diabolic smiled evilly.

Yes, this was indeed a good day. That only left

one problem... Epic McAwesome was still epic and

awesome, and there was nothing Diabolic could do

about it. In fact, he and Epic were absolutely

equal in awesomeness. And Epic was almost

certainly immune to the zombie virus. He looked

back at ex-boss Bill.

My good and faithful minion, he said. Do you

have any ideas how to deal with Epic McAwesome?


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Well, said ex-boss Bill. He's got an

underdeveloped and completely pointless love

interest. Maybe you could use her in some way?

Diabolic smiled. Yes, ex-boss Bill was indeed a

great minion. The two of them began laughing

evilly together. A long, loud, insane laugh of

those who were criminally insane. In fact, they

laughed the whole way to Mary Smith's house. Right

up her driveway. They even continued to laugh as

they knocked on her door.

Mary had heard the laugh almost a mile away.

But, being nave and innocent, she didn't believe

that it could mean anything bad. As the cackling

villains knocked on her door, although by then

their laughter had died down to a worn-out chuckle.

Mary opened the door to find Diabolic in his cool

black overcoat, with a wide hat and big sunglasses,


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but not his giant monster form, and the half-

vampire, half-zombie, half-ninja ex-boss Bill. She

smiled sweetly at them, because she was too pure to

believe that they were in any way bad. What a

wonderful person she was.

Come in, she said sweetly. I've just

finished making cookies. Do you nice men want

any?

What kind? asked ex-boss Bill. Are they

chocolate chip?

That's not important, Diabolic said. We're

here to kidnap her.

Yes, ex-boss Bill replied. But I still want

some cookies.

Fine, Diabolic said. Yes, miss, we'll have

some cookies.

The villains then had a pleasant afternoon with


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Mary Smith, and it turned out that her cookies were

indeed chocolate chip. Ex-boss Bill was content.

As he wiped the crumbs off of his zombie-vampire-

ninja chin, he leaned back and smiled contentedly.

Well, said Lucifer Diabolic. As pleasant as

our time here has been, it's time for us to get to

business.

Oh, what business could you have? Mary asked.

All my bills are paid by the government because

everyone loves me so much.

Er, we're here to kidnap you, ex-boss Bill

said. I hope you don't mind too much.

Oh my, she said innocently. Why would you

ever want to do that? The only people who would

pay a ransom are the government, everyone on this

side of the country, and Epic McAwesome.

It's just a thing that villains do, Diabolic

explained patiently. The damsel in distress is


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one of the most important parts of any good story,

you know.

Oh, you're right, she said, her eyes

fluttering innocently. I won't get in your way,

then.

Lucifer Diabolos nodded to ex-boss Bill, who

stood up and approached Mary.

Wait! she cried. This place is a mess, could

you please help me clean up before you kidnap me?

Fine, Diabolic said. We might as well. Epic

McAwesome is probably still eating doughnuts with

the cops.

So, the two villains helped Mary clean up her

kitchen, do the dishes, and put the cat out for the

evening. After all, they couldn't leave the poor

kitty stuck in the house where it might never would

be found, now could they? That would just be mean!

And Lucifer Diabolic may be eviler than anyone ever


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to live, but let no one say he's mean!

So, Diabolic said as he put the last plate on

the dish rack. Could we possibly get going now?

We've been here for quite a while, and it's getting

late.

Of course, Mary said. I wouldn't want to

inconvenience you.

Ex-boss Bill, Diabolic said. Please tie her

up.

Um boss, ex-boss Bill said. We didn't bring

any rope.

Diabolos turned and glared evilly at ex-boss

Bill. But the mutant vampire-zombie-ninja was

spared a brutal tongue lashing by Mary.

I've got some in the garage, she said

helpfully.

Thanks, Diabolic muttered.


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Ex-boss Bill returned from his epic quest into

Mary's garage after about a half hour of searching,

but return he did. He had even found the rope he

was sent to get. It's interesting how much of a

bumbling buffoon he had become right after he stole

the nukes and zombie virus.

Now, just place your hands behind your back and

hold still, Diabolos ordered as ex-boss Bill

looped the rope around Mary's wrists.

Once they were done with that, they blindfolded

her, and took her out to the truck. Then, they

went and dropped off an evil letter at Epic

McAwesome's house. For some reason, Epic wasn't

home yet.

Epic finally managed to pull himself away from

his chat with the cops. As stimulating as it was,

he did have more important things to do than eat


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doughnuts and drink coffee. Things like stop the

evil Satan Diabolos from doing evil things.

Besides, he liked chocolate milk better than

coffee.

Epic drove home in the car that the police force

had donated to him. It was actually pretty cool to

have a police car of his own, even if it was an

unmarked one. But it still wasn't as cool as the

author of this story.

When Epic arrived home, he discovered a note

taped to his door.

I wonder what this is, he mused. Maybe that

Diabolic character kidnapped my girlfriend.

He unfolded the note, and read this message:

Dear Epic McAwesome,


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We are sorry to inform you that we have kidnapped

your girlfriend and are holding her hostage.

Please come find us by yourself with no police

backup, no weapons, and no car. We're afraid we

can't tell you where we are, because then you might

tell the police or someone (not that they could

help, anyway). So, you'll just have to find us.

Yours truly,

Ex-boss Bill

(P.S., watch out for zombies)

Epic stared in horror. Those dastardly villains

had kidnapped his girlfriend. How could they?

What could be worse than this?! Well, besides

maybe if they had killed her. But that would be


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mean. Then, Epic heard something groan behind him.

He turned around, to see a bunch of zombies

stumbling down the street!! In fact, everyone in

the immediate area seemed to be a zombie! What

will our hero

do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

!?!?


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Chapter 4

To the Rescue!!

Epic looked in every direction. There were

zombies everywhere, stumbling towards him. Their

arms were outstretched, their eyes dull and vacant.

It was looking bad, because Epic knew that being

bitten by a zombie would turn him into the most

amazing zombie ever, and the entire world would

probably be destroyed.

You know, said a soldier who just happened to

be on Epic's lawn. This here zombie plague is

actually designed to be airborne, not like those

lame zombies in movies.

You military guys still did a pretty bad job,


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epic retorted. They look like people with a bad

flu and encephalitis to make them crazy!

Look, the soldier snapped. We did the best

we could within the limits of scientific

plausibility.

Well why didn't you get some super-scientist to

break all laws of reality? Epic responded with

anger angrily. That's what all the movies do.

These freaks aren't even dead!

Whatever, the soldier said. Let's just deal

with these zombies and get some inoculation against

the plague.

Fine, Epic said. I'm going to have a long

talk with your bio weapons department once we're

done here, though.

Epic flexed his fingers and cracked his

knuckles, before putting on a pair of brass

knuckles that he carried ever where (he had a


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permit). Then, he proceeded to punch the first

zombie that stumbled up to him right in the face,

immediately knocking its head off. Another zombie

came up behind him, and he elbowed it in the gut,

knocking it in half. Then, he knocked another one

to the ground with a slap in the face. Then,

before he knew what was happening, a zombie bit him

right on the leg.

Oh no! cried the soldier. We're all doomed!

But then, Epic realized that nothing had

happened. He wasn't turning into a zombie, he felt

just fine. In fact, the bite wound healed almost

immediately, better than it had been before.

I guess I'm immune to this zombie virus, Epic

said. I am so amazing!

Yes, you totally are! replied the soldier.

We should have known that someone as amazing as

you would be immune to the zombie virus!


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Epic proceeded to punch one of his more annoying

stalkers, an overweight goth, straight in the face.

The worst part was that 'she' wasn't even a girl.

Epic found it really creepy when guys were just as

obsessed over him as girls. So, he continued to

punch zombies left and right, putting them out of

their misery and saving the human race. See, Epic

McAwesome is not only a great action hero, he's

also a good citizen of the United States! When all

the zombies were dead, Epic put away his brass

knuckles and put on a cool jacket and sunglasses,

because he felt like it. Then, he got in his car,

and drove around looking for the bad guys and Mary.

Hahahaha! Lucifer Diabolic cackled. Now that

we've got his girlfriend, Epic will surely show up

here!

Great, said ex-boss Bill. So, what are we


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going to do once he gets here?

All the minions stopped whatever they were

doing, their mouths gaping in shock. Even Diabolic

looked concerned. Then, he had a brilliant idea.

We'll tie our guest to a railroad track,

Diabolic said. And then we'll tell Epic that we'll

kill her if he doesn't surrender!

Great plan! all the vampire zombie ninja

minions shouted.

For getting us all killed, ex-boss Bill

muttered under his breath.

Just then, Epic McAwesome burst through the wall

in his amazing police car, raining bricks

everywhere. Thus, Lucifer Diabolic was forced to

scrap his tying to the railroad track plan. He had

really been looking forward to that, too.

Alright, Epic snarled. Where is she?


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Right here, Diabolic replied, stepping aside

to reveal Mary tied to a chair. You should

surrender now if you don't want me to do something

evil to her.

What can our hero do? He couldn't let that

nasty Lucifer Diabolic do something bad to Mary.

So, he surrendered. All of the mutant minions tied

him up and put him in a giant empty fish tank.

Then, they put a hose in the fish tank and turned

the water on.

Well, Mr. McAwesome, it looks like you've been

defeated, Diabolic said.

You're right, Epic said. Now just let Mary

go.

No, I don't think I will, Diabolic said. In

fact, I think I'll tie her to a railroad track!

HAHAHAHAAHAAHA!!

NO!! Epic screamed. You wouldn't dare do


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something so stupid and clich!

Yes, I would! Diabolic responded. And then,

he and all the minions left, taking Mary with them.

The water was getting higher at an incredibly

unimpressive rate (since they were using a garden

hose). Epic decided he should probably escape, and

proceeded to snap the ropes without any trouble

whatsoever. Then, he broke the giant fish tank.

It was time to go find Mary and send the evil

Diabolos to jail, hopefully for good.

You weren't serious about the train track, were

you? Mary asked.

I was completely serious, Diabolos cackled.

Oh, you wouldn't, you monster!

Don't worry, ex-boss Bill whispered. A train

hasn't run on that track for almost ten years.


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Oh, she said. That's okay, then.

Epic knew he had to do something, he had to save

Mary, for real this time. Where could those

villains have taken her? Then, it him... a

railroad track! That's where all good villains

took their prisoners. Also, it was where they said

they were taking her.

Epic hopped into his car, and sped in the

direction of the railroad. He found Mary sitting

on the railroad track waiting for him, and he then

proceeded to take her back home and asked the

police to keep an eye on her, which they did

because they knew that Epic was the coolest person

in the world (besides me).

Diabolic sat down in his giant chair of evil,

contemplating the best way to deal with a problem


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of Epic proportions (see what I did there?). It

galled him to no end that Epic McAwesome had easily

escaped the fish tank death trap. What kind of

person could do that? Anyone else would have had

at least a little bit of trouble escaping! Some

might have actually been killed!

Sir, ex-boss Bill interrupted.

What is it, my minion? Diabolic asked

dejectedly.

Well, said ex-boss Nincompoop. I've been

thinking, Epic McAwesome is a Mary Sue/Gary Stu,

right?

Correct, Diabolic said.

And thus everything about him is perfect and

all audience members either love or hate him?

Yes.

Ex-boss Bill paused for dramatic effect.


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I know his only weakness, ex-boss Bill stated

dramatically.

Diabolic looked up, startled by this revelation.

Really? What is it? he asked in shock.

I can't tell you while we're the focus of the

narrative, ex-boss Bill replied. It would kill

the suspense.

Diabolic nodded.

Yes, as soon as this chapter is over, tell me

everything about this hidden weakness. Then, we

shall defeat him, and destroy the world!

The villains cackled long and hard, until I

finally got bored enough to end this chapter.

But no, I won't end the chapter like that,

because I am the greatest author in the world!

Instead, I will tell you all about how awesome I

am! You see, I, as the best author in the world,


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must keep you all in suspense for at least two

chapters, before you find out Epic McAwesome's one

and only weakness! It will be so heart wrenching

when those bad, nasty, not-so-nice, smelly, gross

people spring it on him. You'll never see it

coming in Chapter Six! See how cool I am?

Excuse me, said Epic McAwesome. You've

already switched the focus over here where I am.

Oh, sorry.

No, don't be sorry, he replied. I'm glad to

know that those dastardly bad villains think

they've found my weakness. That will make Chapter

Six all the better when it turns out that I'm just

as invincible as I appear to be.

Yea? What about when Lucifer Diabolic turned

into the mutant freak monster thing to fight you?

I didn't lose, he said crossly. That was a

draw.


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So, what would happen if he andhis minions

attacked you at the same time?

Look, we'll talk about this when we get to it,

he said hotly. Can you just get on to the next

chapter?

Fine then. I just want to say that I'm still

even better than you.

Shut up, Epic said. When you show up and

provethat you are as awesome as me, then I'll be

impressed.

Just you wait, my friend, just you wait


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Chapter 5

Awesome Stuff Happens

This is going way to fast. I just realized that

the only way for a story to be any good is if it's

really long. Therefore, I need to make the

chapters a lot longer. Therefore, I need more

padding. Therefore, I will start going into the

redundant department of redundancy. That is to

say, I will say things lots of different times in

different ways. And then, I will say it again in

yet another way, but say exactly the same thing as

I said the first time. Also, I think I'll start

putting more stuff in each chapter. And I'll add

more action. And more combat. And more stuff.

Which will make everything much better, even though


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this story was already the best story in the world.

But just because it's better than everything else,

doesn't mean that it can't get even more better.

Also, I'm going to describe everything more. Like

Epic McAwesome's house, which I guess I never

really described.

Epic got up from his massive sofa which he had

collapsed into after a hard day of working hard to

fend off evil. The exhaustiveness was exhausting.

In fact, he was exhausted from the hard work. And

Diabolic had escaped anyway, making a clean getaway

with a whole bunch of minions and probably a sample

of zombie virus. That would be bad, because then

they could turn people into zombies. And that

could start a zombie apocalypse, which would

greatly trouble Epic troublesomely. And that would

be bad. And it would be even worse if they had


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nukes, which would greatly worry Epic in such a way

that he would be concerned.

You know, this is just getting stupid, Epic

said to the author.

Shut up.

Fine, said Epic. Don't blame me if this book

ends up on a 'top ten worst books of all time'

list, though.

Epic considered his options for a moment as he

flipped through the channels on his massive flat-

screen TV which dominated one of his living room

walls. Perhaps he could just wait for Diabolic to

make some evil move against the good citizens. Or

maybe it would be better to go hunt down the

evildoers and defeat them once and for all. Oh, he

was having such a horrible time being the awesomest

person in the world (besides me)! It really made

life so difficult, it was almost like a curse being


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so awesome! He had to make all these hard

decisions, and deal with all the adoring fans, and

all around annoying stuff like that!

Then, he decided. He would wait for Diabolic to

do whatever he was planning to do, and strike right

then. That would give Epic plenty of time to watch

cartoons and take a nap, and maybe even write a

couple fanfics about himself. After all, who

better to write a fanfic about than the second most

awesome person in the world? Well, besides me, the

single awesomest person ever in the history of

everything.

You know, Epic said. I think I'll just stop

arguing with you about this. If you want to live

in your deluded fantasy, go ahead.

Before the author could respond, a great sound

alerted Epic to the prescience of something greatly

horrible. He looked out his window to see that a


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giant robot was walking down the street of his

little town. The robot was about three stories

tall, and was made out of metal with lots of robot

armor, and it had cannons for arms that it was

using to blast lasers all over the town. Epic got

the feeling that something wasn't quite right about

this scenario. In fact, it might be kind of bad.

He got up, stretching tiredly, before putting on

his coolest jacket and Epic shades (see, see? I

made a pun! Aren't I awesome?). Then, he ran out

into the street to confront the giant robot of

doom.

This should get his attention, Diabolic

muttered from secret evil lair of evil secrecy.

It should get the attention of every military

force in the world, to, muttered ex-boss Bill.

Could you have maybe made it just a little bit


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more obnoxious?

Good point, Diabolic responded. Maybe there

should have been streamers and flags!

Ex-boss Bill gave up then. It was hopeless

trying to talk sense into this guy. In fact, ex-

boss Bill realized, Lucifer Diabolos was completely

nonsensical. How could he not have seen this

before? But the man had given ex-boss Bill and his

gang cool mutant powers of being vampire-zombie-

ninjas. So that did kind of make up for it. Yes,

ex-boss Bill decided that it was okay to serve such

a powerful master who could make him powerful. But

it was still annoying how nonsensically nonsensical

the new boss was.

Forget it, this redundant redundancy is getting

too redundant for me to keep doing. I'll go back

to the old way I was doing stuff (it was the best


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writing ever, anyway). Elsewhere, in space, alien

vampires were monitoring Earth (PLOT TWIST!) They

watched as Epic battled the giant robot heroically,

and the vampire aliens knew they would have to

destroy Epic McAwesome before they could ever

defeat the forces of Earth. They aimed their giant

armada of evil right at Earth, their lasers ready

to blast everything into oblivion...

Epic continued to struggle against the giant

robot, punching yet another hole straight through

its titanium armor. The robot groaned

mechanically, before trying to hit Epic with a

laser beam. Epic easily dodged, using a ninja move

to flip the robot over. Yea, that's pretty cool.

Then, he kicked the robot right in the torso

stomach plate and then in the face. It was so

awesome. Epic knew that the robot couldn't last


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much longer against his coolness. In fact, it

would be stupid to think that it could! Suddenly,

spaceships began to show up from out of space!

Soon, the entire sky was filled with alien

spaceships. Epic knew immediately that it was bad.

A voice was then heard all across the world.

Good people of Earth, the aliens said. We

are the alien vampires, and we are here to drink

every last bit of your blood. We hope that isn't

too much of an inconvenience for you, and if it is,

we'll do it anyway. Thank you, and have a nice

day. *beep*

Well, that escalated quickly, Epic muttered.

What happened to the good old days when aliens

just wanted to enslave us?

DOES NOT COMPUTE, the robot stated.

Want to help me beat back the evil armada?

Epic asked. After all, how can you destroy the


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world if the aliens destroy us first?

LOGIC DETECTED, the robot stated. MUST

DESTROY ALIEN INVADORS!

With that, Epic and the robot got up, dusted

themselves off, and flew up into the air to battle

the alien armada (Epic had rocket boots just in

case he might need to battle an alien armada).

Within 10 minutes, they were through the hull of

the hull of the flagship and destroying every alien

in sight. Epic left the three-story tall robot to

deal with alien minions, since no one cares about

minions anyway. He had to go find the captain of

the alien vampires and deal with him.

Then, Epic found himself in the control room,

which was filled with hundreds of alien vampires.

They all turned to look at him, eying him hungrily.

Their red eyes burned hatefully, and their pale

green skin was pale and green. And their fangs


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were long and sharp. Then, every one of them

attacked, and Epic began to beat all of them up

with his bare fists, smashing their skulls in left

and right. But he knew that they would eventually

overwhelm him with sheer weight of numbers. So, he

threw an alien vampire at the ceiling of the star

ship so hard that the vampire flew through the

hull, leaving a massive hole, through which

sunlight flooded.

AHHH! screamed all the alien vampires at the

same time. WHY DIDN'T WE BRING SUNSCREEN?!

Then, they all burned up. And that's how Epic

McAwesome saved the world from the vampire aliens,

let's hear it for...

Hold it, said the vampire alien lord. I, the

leader of all the vampire-aliens, have the power

of... SUNGLASSES and SUNBLOCK!!

Epic stared in shock as the alien vampire lord


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walked straight into the sunlight, but didn't burn

up because he had sunblock on. The only flaw in

Epic's otherwise perfect plan was exposed! But

Epic knew that he had to beat up the alien vampire

to save the earth.

So, he began pummeling the vampire alien with

his fists, turning the thing into a paste

resembling what you get when you hit a bug with

your windshield. But the alien vampire didn't die,

he kept fighting. So, Epic pulled a wooden laser

stake out of his pocket (he had those in case of an

alien vampire attack), and plunged it into the

alien vampire overlord's chest. The alien vampire

overlord screamed, and then collapsed. Epic smiled

as he looked around at the carnage. Then, he

realized something was wrong. All the sunburned

bodies were mutating. Their arms were turning into

giant bony swords, and their fangs were getting


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even bigger and more fangy. Then, he realized what

was happening: they were turning into Necrodorks!

Yes, that's right, the feared antagonists from the

hit video game Left 4 Space Rising, in which a

person fights alien Necrodorks inside of a shopping

mall from outer space! With giant plastic

lightsabers of death (Growing straight out of their

arms!), poor personal hygiene, and broken glasses!

How can our hero ever hope to survive this?!?!

Find out next time. Same Epic place. Same Epic

time.


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Chapter 6

Epic Fail

Our hero was in a fix this time, a decidedly

disturbing fix. How could he have known that all

his slain enemies would turn into Necrodorks? It

just wasn't fair! Why would this sort of thing

happen to someone as awesome as Epic McAwesome? Oh

well, it was time to dismember the zombie-things,

the only known way to kill them permanently.

So, Epic McAwesome grabbed the first Necrodork

to sprint up to him, and tore its head, arms, and

legs off. Then he did the same thing to the next

one. But then he was swarmed by the hoard of

Necrodorks, all of them trying to bite him and

infect him, but not able to because he wasn't dead


67/125

and they weren't Transmitter class Necrodorks. So,

he continued to make mincemeat out of them, easily

shredding the useless Shredder-class Necrodorks.

Then, he opened the door, leaving the twitching

remains of the zombie things behind.

Epic was astonished to see that all the lights

had gone out while he was fighting the space

vampires/zombies. Also, there was blood and gore

and stuff like that. But Epic didn't care, because

only losers are afraid of a little blood and gore.

However, the numerous zombies sprinting down the

hall were a little more concerning. And so were

the tentacles reaching out of the ridiculously

oversized vent. You know, if Epic didn't have so

much Mary Sue power, he'd probably be dead ten

times over by the time I finish this sentence.

I heard that! Epic yelled at the author.

Epic pulled out his brass knuckles. It was time


68/125

for business. The first thing he encountered was a

Jumper zombie, with even BIGGER fangs than it had

as a vampire. So, Epic killed it by tearing its

arms and tail off, before stomping on its head.

Then, he got attacked by a shredder with plastic

lightsaber-blade arms. So, he tore off the arms.

And the glasses. Then, he was rushed by an

explody-armed zombie. So, he threw another

Necrodork's arm at explody zombie, causing it to

explode. But the explosion didn't hurt Epic

McAwesome, and instead destroyed all the other

Necrodorks in the hall. So, Epic continued on his

heroic quest to save the world.

As he wandered through the halls killing

Necrodorks, he wondered why he was so awesome.

Maybe it was just luck. Or maybe it was fate.

Maybe God had something to do with it. Then, the

answer struck him: it was the whim of the author.


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Epic was conflicted about that (SEE, see!

Emotional turmoil is a sure sign of a great book!).

It made him so sad as he cut another zombie in half

with a karate chop. A single tear rolled down his

cheek as he realized that he was simply a product

of the author's imagination in the most amazing

book ever written.

Actually, Epic muttered to himself. My eye

itches because it got hit with alien blood.

Then, Epic was in the main room of the

spaceship. It was so cool and stuff. But then,

the doors all around him shut closed, trapping Epic

in the main room. The floor opened up, and Lucifer

Diabolic floated up into the spaceship with a jet

pack, followed closely by ex-boss Bill. They had a

sack with them, which was squirming.

Did you kidnap my girlfriend again? Epic asked

when he saw them.


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HAHAHAHAAHAAHA! Diabolic laughed maniacally.

No, we have something much more powerful than

merely a kidnapped girlfriend. Something evenyou

are powerless against!

Right, said Epic offhandedly. I'm invincible

because I am the main protagonist of this story.

So, unless you have a weapon that can pierce plot

armor, I'm really not particularly worried.

Lucifer diabolic laughed evilly, until his laugh

degenerated into an insane cackle of insanity. Ex-

boss Bill opened the bag, to reveal... A CRITIC!

Epic stared in horror as the young woman got out of

the bag. This was the most horrifying thing he

could ever imagine happening!

Thank you for bringing me here today, said the

critic to ex-boss Bill. It will be my pleasure to

rip this idiotic story apart.

Every one of those words felt like a punch in


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the gut to Epic.

Ah, Diabolic sneered. I see you're already

beginning to feel the effects of criticism. It is

the only weakness of a character like yourself!

I completely agree, said the critic. Let me

begin by saying that this is the stupidest story I

have ever read, and I will show it now mercy.

No, Epic said weakly. Please, anything but

this!

...To start off, the main character is what we

reviewers like to call a Mary Sue. He did things

that would be impossible for most grown men at a

very young age, and all around more competent

everyone else in the story, which really isn't too

hard to do considering how dumb everyone else is.

His name is so ridiculously over the top that he

might as well have a sign that says 'Mary Sue'

written on his chest. It's just ridiculous.


72/125

Every word hit Epic like a blow. Then, he

realized that since the critic was a woman, he

could use his heroic charms on her.

Well, my dear, Epic said. I may be a bit

overpowered, but isn't that made up for by how

incredibly sexy I am?

Oh no, you can't pull that on me, said the

critic. You see, I've reviewed Twilight before,

and I am now immune to the charms of a Gary Stu's

'sexiness.' The fact is that you're just a flat

character who exists purely as wish fulfillment for

the author and the audience. You're pathetic!

Epic sank to his knees, clutching his head in

his hands and sobbing. It was too much, he was

powerless against this harsh analysis.

MWAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHA! Diabolic laughed. I have

finally gotten the better of Epic McAwesome! Now,

I am unbeatable! Soon, I shall destroy the wo-


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Oh no you don't, the lady cut in. I'm not

letting you off the hook just because he's a

loser.

What? Diabolic demanded. I'm an awesome

villain, how could you possibly put me down?

Simple, she said. You're just as bland as

the 'hero' of this story, with an almost equally

ridiculous name. You have no actual motive for

being evil, you just sort of act evil for the sake

of acting evil. You're unoriginal to the point of

cackling like an idiot every other line. If you

were any more over the top, you'd be eating kittens

and kicking puppies!

And thus, Lucifer Diabolic was floored by the

critic as well. This woman is on a roll!

Oh, and as for you, Mr. Author... she said.

Sorry, I've got to go take my afternoon nap.

We'll catch up on this later!


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I am silently cringing off-screen right now.

Please, don't tell her I'm here.

Suddenly, the ship began losing altitude, the

sky turned red, and everything burst into flames!

What's going on?! ex-boss Bill asked.

Her criticisms are tearing the world apart!

Epic said in horror. The world simply can't stand

up to this sort of harsh analysis!

Yes, yes! she said. This stupid story must

be utterly annihilated! It's so inconsistent, and

the story jumps around for no apparent reason!

There's no way this should be allowed to exist, and

I intend to put an end to it!

Oh no! How will the entire WORLD survive?!?!

Our hero has been defeated, our villain has been

defeated, and the world is being harpooned by an

angry critic! We're all going to die, die, DIE!!!


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Chapter 7

Ex-Boss Bill Saves the Universe

The critic stood over Epic McAwesome and Lucifer

Diabolic, grinning cruelly at them. The world was

falling apart, and there was nothing that either

the hero or villain could do to stop her!

Now, there is one last thing to say about this

place, she said. Everything is so-

Suddenly, ex-boss Bill jumped her from behind,

wrapping an arm around her mouth to stop her from

causing any further destruction. Ex-boss Bill had

saved the entire universe, let's hear it for ex-

boss Bill!!! As soon as the critic stopped

talking, Epic felt his strength return to him

instantly. He heaved a sigh of relief. It was


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good to be the most awesome person ever again.

Besides me, of course.

Well, that was... traumatic, said Diabolic.

We should probably knock her off.

NO! Epic McAwesome said. I am a hero, and

therefore cannot take part in the murder of a

helpless opponent.

Yes, Diabolic said. But she nearly destroyed

the entire universe. We can't let her repeat an

offense like that.

But I'm a hero! he said. I can't do

something bad, not directly anyway.

Well, what do you suggest we do with her?

Diabolic retorted.

Let's just duct tape her to a chair! ex-boss

Bill said in exasperation. Then she won't say

anything else to deconstruct the world, maybe even


77/125

be finished off by the Necrodorks, and there won't

be any blood on either of your hands!

Diabolic looked at Epic. Epic looked back at

Diabolic. Epic shrugged. Hey, she did try to

destroy the universe, after all. So, they tied her

to a chair with duct tape, Lucifer Diabolic opened

one of the doors, and they ran away.

So, how are we going to get off of this ship?

asked ex-boss Bill.

Then, the spaceship began plummeting towards

Earth, because all the alien vampires had turned

into Necrodorks. So, they really couldn't pilot a

ship. And, by extension, the ship was plummeting,

which could result in Necrodorks invading the Earth

and turning everyone into Necrodorks! Like Earth

didn't have enough problems with the last batch of

zombie virus that Lucifer Diabolic released on Epic

McAwesome's town. Wait... what happened to those


78/125

zombies, anyway?

As the ship crashed and Epic punched another

Necrodork in the face, he saw that the entire

population of the world had been turned into

zombies! Only rag-tag bands of awesome survivors

were still surviving! Epic couldn't let everyone

in the world be a zombie! He would have to do

something to save them all and un-zombie them!

Oh no, Diabolic whispered. Everyone in the

entire world but the lucky rag-tag survivors are

zombies now! And Necrodorks are coming to destroy

everyone and turn them into more Necrodorks! We

have to do something. After all, how can I hope to

rule the world if everyone is a zombie or

Necrodork?!

I don't know, Epic said. But it looks like

we're going to have to work together to save the

world. I think we're going to have to go to the


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Unicorn Queen in Horsetopia! She's the only one

who can save us!

Yes, the unicorn queen! Diabolic said. Of

course she can save us! Maybe she can even use her

magic to turn all the zombies into my minions!

No, I doubt it, Epic said. Her magic is only

for healing, such as purifying zombies of the

disease. Well, except when Horsetopia is

threatened, at which time she shoots laser beams

from her eyes, creates magic force fields, and

disintegrates her enemies instantly with her

molecular beam.

Epic noticed the horror in both Diabolic and ex-

boss Bill's eyes.

She only does that when her country is

threatened! Epic added quickly. It's should be

safe to approach her just as long as you don't

conquer her kingdom.


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I think my boss might have some trouble with

that, ex-boss Bill muttered under his breath.

Epic proceeded to punch a zombie in the face.

Then, he destroyed another Necrodork that came

running out of the ship. But, as ships fell all

over the world releasing Necrodorks to attack the

zombies and the zombies were attacking the

Necrodorks. It looked like it was going to be a

bad day.

So, ex-boss Bill asked. How exactly are we

going to get to Horsetopia?

Well, Epic said. It's in space, and there's

a spaceship right behind us which we just crashed.

So, all we have to do is repair the spaceship and

use it to fly away and go to Horsetopia. We just

need to clear out all the Necrodorks first.

So, they killed all the Necrodorks. And Epic

learned how to fly a spaceship designed to be


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operated by an entire crew all by himself. Of

course that was awesome and all, just like

everything else Epic did. Yea, Epic epicly piloted

the ship because he was so amazing. In fact, he

was better than the whole crew of vampire-aliens

had been! How amazing is that?!

Then, they flew away to contact the Unicorn

Queen in Horsetopia. How amazing are they going to

be with all the zombies being killed by the unicorn

armies to back up Epic? And even the villains are

now Epic's friends! How cool is that? Everything

about Epic McAwesome is amazing!

So, now the trio of fire-forged friends (one of

whom is a homicidal maniac and one who is a

vampire-zombie-ninja, but they're both good friends

of Epic McAwesome now because Epic is so amazing

that he befriends everyone who's cool).

Mhmhhmph, the critic mumbled, which is


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ducttapemouth-ese for 'Mary Sue.' Don't listen to

anything this jerk says, please. Remember, this is

the best book ever and in no way, shape, or form is

the main character a Mary Sue. He's a great

character of literature! The only greater person

is me! But hey, no one is actually better than me.

I am the Author Extraordinaire. Compared to me,

everyone else could be a headless zombie. But not

a Necrodork. Those things are actually kind of

scary with their giant plastic lightsabers growing

out of their arms, overgrown teeth, horrible

mutations, and half-rotted skin stretched tightly

over the freaky mutated skeleton, duct-taped

together glasses. You know, I think I'll just go

huddle in a corner for about an hour now, with my

teddy bear, praying that the Necrodorks can't break

the fourth wall.


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Chapter 8

Setbacks and Crap Like That

Epic McAwesome flew his spaceship epicly and

awesomely, because he was Epic McAwesome! So, he

continued flying all day and all night, until he

came upon a space armada in outer space. The space

armada had a giant Laser Moon with them, and they

were destroying planets. The fleet was from The

Galactic Empire of Evil (GEE).

Crud, Epic thought.

Surrender now, a voice called over the radio.

We are beaming you all onto the Laser Moon, where

you will be searched and then you can watch us

destroy your home world.

I want to conquer his home world! Lucifer


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Diabolic said angrily. Please don't destroy it.

Tough luck, mate, said the voice on the

loudspeaker. Prepare to be beamed up.

So, they were all beamed up by the bad guys.

They had all been captured by the GEE (Galactic

Empire of Evil)! As everyone was beamed up, and

then they were arrested by the Galactic Empire of

Evil's shock troopers. Then, they were brought

before the evil Lord Raider, who wore lots of armor

and did evil stuff all the time and raided the

refrigerator, which was why he was called Evil Lord

Bad Guy.

Well, what do we have here? Lord Bad Guy. A

hero, a villain, and a vampire-zombie-ninja joined

forces to save their pitiful home world from the

evil of the Necrodorks. Well, your quest has come

to an end.

Youve only won the battle, Epic said


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heroically. Now let us go so we can battle you to

the death.

No, said the Evil Lord after Bad Guy. Id

rather place you all in elaborate death traps,

rather than simply kill you like any rational

person would, but first I have to finish my dinner

of live puppies and kittens.

Then, the guards took Epic McAwesome and his

rather strange bedfellows away and clapped them in

irons. Then, they sealed up the brig and started

flooding it with water and piranhas. Boy dont you

hate Mondays? Of course you do. Everyone hates

Mondays. Even zombies hate Mondays. Nope, nothing

worse than a Monday. Oh, Im sidetracked again,

arent I? Yes, I am, but I dont care! Death to

all Mondays!!

Could you please stop the monologue? Epic

asked. Id really appreciate it if youd help us


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out here. You are the author, after all.

For once, I have to agree with him, Lucifer

Diabolic said. I really dont want my nice pants

ruined before I take over the world.

Fine, Ill find a way to get you losers out of

this mess. You both really suck at being

omnipotent Mary Sues.

Tell me about it, Ex-boss Bill muttered as

water began to rise over his ankles and soak into

his pants.

So, I provided a Deus Ex Machina, and the climax

isnt even for another three chapters! As the

water rose up to Epics chin, a malfunction

occurred through all the Laser Moons systems,

causing the dungeon door to fly open and the chains

to open up. Oh, and the piranhas all decided to be

vegan. So now our hero, villain, and minion just

have to fight through the hoards of shock troopers.


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awesome that its a shame not to be on the same

side as him.

Cool, Epic said. Can we just concentrait on

surviving right now, though?

Sure, said Diabolic as he killed four minions

with his monster tail of coolness.

Suddenly, a door opened up under their feet, and

the fell into a pit. In the pit was the Evil Lord

Bad Guy! He laughed maniacally when they dropped

in on him.

Ah, hello again, he said. I think Ill kill

you all right now by myself without the help of any

of my minions.

With that, he pulled out a gun and shot all of

them.

Hey, thats not the way this is done! Epic

said. There has to be a fight, and we ultimately

have to win!


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Oh, sorry, I muttered.

So, they fought, and ultimately Epic and co.

won. But then Lucifer Diabolic decided that he

wanted to make the Laser Moon his own, so he could

conquer the galaxy. So, he took the Laser Moon.

Fine, Epic said. Have fun with your new

Laser moon. Ex-boss Bill and I will be off saving

Earth.

Have fun, Diabolic said. Send me a post

card.

Hold on just one second! called an all too

familiar voice. Everyone turned to stare in

horror. It was the critic!

No, Epic said quietly. It cant be.

But it is, she said. You should have known

you couldnt get rid of me that easily. Im immune

to rip-off zombie plagues from video games.


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Epic gasped in horror. This was impossible!

And now, Im going to punch this world full of

holes, again, she said. Even as the words left

her mouth, the Laser Moon began to creak.

NOOO! Diabolic screamed in horror. Please,

dont do this!

But I will, she snickered. This obvious Star

Wars rip off is going to fall before my criticism.

Then, you will all fall into the literary abyss of

obscurity and failure!

A huge section flew off the hull, sucking half

the minions into the vacuum of space. But no one

cared because they were all extras.

And then there was Diabolics sudden conversion

to good, she said. It was completely unrealistic

and there was no foreshadowing.

Diabolic fell to his knees, clutching his chest


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in pain. Shock troopers clung to everything they

could reach, trying not to be blown away before the

forces of criticism. The critic smiled as she

looked around at the destruction. Slowly, she

walked up to Epic McAwesome. With one flick of her

wrist, she sent him sprawling.

And now, young Gary Stu, she said quietly.

You shall die.

She opened her mouth to make one last cutting

remark, but she never got the chance. Ex-boss Bill

ran up behind her, grabbing her by the waist. She

let out a scream of terror as the vampire-zombie-

ninja flung her through the hull breach with all

his strength.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Her screams slowly faded away as she flew

through the broken hull. Ex-boss Bill helped Epic

and Diabolic to their feet. Both of them shrugged


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off his help and pretended that they could have

taken care of the situation on their own.

Well, Epic said. I guess its time to

Horsetopia.


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Chapter 9

Ponies, Ponies, PONIES!!

Epic continued flying his ship towards

Horsetopia. He needed the help of the unicorn

master race to defeat the Necrodorks and turn the

zombies back into humans. When Epic McAwesome is

desperate for help, you know youre in big trouble.

Unless youre me, in which case youre just

awesome. You know, it really is nice to have the

main villain, a supporting villain, and that pesky

critic out of the way. This book will be SOOOOOOO

much better without any kind of conflict!

As Epic landed his ship, he noticed that there

were no unicorns or horses in the street. Well,

except for the useless normal horses who were just

sentient, but not cool with horns or wings or


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anything like that. They were the slaves to the

unicorn guards, because they were such losers.

After all, why should inferior beings not be

enslaved? Trick question: they should be enslaved!

YEA! SLAVERY FOR THE INFERIOR HORSE PEOPLE!!!

(Disclaimer: The author is a fictional

character, and his views do not actually reflect

those of the real author. No, the real author does

not condone slavery or believe in a master race).

So, Epic and ex-boss Bill continued on their way

through Horsetopia. Epic went up to one of the

useless horses and tapped it on the shoulder. The

old nag looked up at him tiredly.

Excuse me, Epic said. Can you tell us where

the Unicorn Empress is? We need her to help save

our world from zombies.

Sure, said the horse. She lives in the giant


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castle on top of the hill with her Unicorn court.

Now can you leave me alone to stew in my

inferiority?

Sure thing, Epic said. Ill leave you to be

oppressed in peace.

Thank you, said the horse.

Epic and ex-boss Bill continued their journey

through Horsetopia, where they met lots of nice

winged horses and magic unicorns, which was awesome

even though the streets were deserted when they

first showed up. But thats all cool. So, they

met winged horses, who were still inferior to the

magic Unicorns but were cool enough for Epic and

ex-boss Bills purposes. So, they each rode a

winged horse straight to the capital city of

Horsetopia, Unicornia! There, they were greeted by

two awesome unicorns.

Halt! said one of the unicorn soldiers. No


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inferior life forms are allowed within Unicornia!

Dont worry, Epic said. Im not inferior, I

am the famous Epic McAwesome!

Both guards stared in amazement. Everyone had

heard of the great Epic McAwesome, and here he was

before them in the flesh. Even if he wasnt a

unicorn, and by extension probably didnt have any

magic, the Queen would want to see him anyway.

Wait right here, said one of the unicorns.

Ill go find the Queen. You can talk with Steve

while were gone.

The unicorn handed Epic a rock that was named

Steve, before grabbing his companion so that they

could go together to speak with the Queen. No one

really wanted to be alone with the queen, after

all. So, Epic and ex-boss Bill waited and talked

to Steve the rock. As it turned out, Steve was a

really good listener, so Epic unloaded all his


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deepest secrets on Steve, then gave him to ex-boss

Bill, who did the exact same thing. Little did

they know that Steve secretly had a recording

device inside of him, which the Queen would listen

to and laugh at later that very night. But that

wasnt Steves fault, so Steve is still a good guy.

The Queen will see you now, said a unicorn

guard. Dont mess this up, or else shell slay

you both and banish your souls straight to the pits

of Hades.

The stallion smiled then.

Well, have fun in there, he said.

Epic and ex-boss Bill entered the Queens throne

room, where the queen was reclining in her giant

throne and eating bananas. As Epic stepped into

the room, she looked up and smiled. She was a pure

white unicorn, with a purple mane and magic

dripping off every inch of her body. She casually


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scanned Epic with her cool, calculating eyes. She

continued to watch Epic and ex-boss Bill carefully

as she ate the last of her bananas, before she

finally opened her mouth to speak.

So, she said. You are the famous Epic

McAwesome. Welcome to Horsetopia, and, more

specifically, Unicornia. Now tell me why you are

here with a reformed zombie/vampire/ninja.

Your Majesty, Epic said, getting down on one

knee. I and bill are here to plead for the

assistance of the Unicorn Empire in the fight

against the Necrodorks, and, if possible, some

mages to cure the zombie plague.

And why, pray tell, should I do that? she

asked. What can you possibly hope to offer the

people of Horsetopia that we cannot find for

ourselves? There is no reason for us to help you.

Now, you shall both die.


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The Queen stood up, her horn sparking with the

dark power of the forbidden Dark Arts. She was

about to execute Epic McAwesome and ex-boss Bill!

Any last words? she asked she slowly

approached.

Yes, I have some! ex-boss Bill said. You

must help us save our world, because Earth is the

sole provider of Bananas for the entire universe!

The queen stopped, gasping in horror at what she

had almost done.

Youre right! she said.

GUARDS! she called. Bring me the finest of

our elite magicians and warriors. We must save the

monkey world, for the sake of bananas!

The guard saluted, and ran off to find all of

the most powerful wizards in Horsetopia. He knew

how important bananas were to his dear queen.


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And bring me a banana split! she yelled after

him.

Epic then sent ex-boss Bill to go man the

spaceship. It was so embarrassing to have a

recently reformed minor villain save his life.

Epic vowed never to let something like that happen

again. As Bill left, Epic noticed the Queen eyeing

him again.

So, she said. Youre the legendary Epic

McAwesome. I have heard that you are one of the

most powerful characters in this universe.

Well, I would say that is true, Epic said.

But the truth is that I am by far the greatest

character in the entire universe.

Besides the author, said the Queen. He

really is an amazing guy. I must admit that I have

a little crush on him.

The Queens eyes went dreamy as she thought


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about the author, but then she snapped back to

reality.

Anyway, she said. Since I cant have the

author, I think that you would be the best love-

interest for me. Ive even written a fanfic about

us!

She shoved a page into Epics hands, which he

glanced over, growing paler as he read every word.

He really needed to stop being so amazing. His

only consolation was that the Queen had probably

written several dozen bad fanfics about the author.

Oh crap, I muttered after I finished narrating

that.

The Queen looked up. Epic felt a moment of

hope, but it was gone as soon as it had come.

After all, the Queen knew that she couldnt have

possibly heard the voice of the great-and-powerful

author, right? So, she still had to settle for


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Epic McAwesome.

Well, she said. I think you should marry me

as soon as this adventure is over. After all, I am

the epitome of equine beauty, and you the pinnacle

of primate perfection. Are we not perfect for each

other?

the tale of epic mcawesome, or the best book ever writed

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