I I J J R ' i | , t ~ i ; P - i | [ - ~ - I I L ' ' : t ~ i i i l C o l i n A d a m s , E d i t o r I

The proof is in the pudding.

Opening a copy of The Mathematical

Intelligencer you may ask yourself

uneasily, "What is this anyway--a

mathematical journal, or what?" Or

you may ask, "Where am I?" Or even

"Who am I?" This sense of disorienta-

tion is at its most acute when you

open to Colin Adams's column.

Relax. Breathe regularly. It's

mathematical, it's a humor column,

and it may even be harmless.

Column editor's address: Colin Adams, Department of Mathematics, Bronfman Science Center, Williams College, Williamstown, MA 01267 USA e-mail: Colin.C.Adams@williams.edu

The Theorem Blaster Colin Adams

I s your theorem overweight? Need to trim the pages of your paper? Want

to fit into that volume on semi-simple Lie Algebras? Then you're in luck! Be- cause we are offering to the public, for the first time ever, the amazing T h e o -

r e m Blaster | . You've heard about it in the Math Lounge. You've seen it on Math TV. But now, due to a special pur- chase agreement with the American Mathematical Society, we can offer it to you at drastically reduced prices.

Overweight theorems can be dan- gerous in the long term. Sluggish and impenetrable, they cause colleagues to lose interest in your work, leading to publication rate slowdown and severe career trajectory tailspin.

But now you can have the theorem you always dreamed of. Yes, if you want hot-looking theorems, you want the Theorem Blaster.

Here are just a few of the many tes- timonials from our satisfied customers:

"My proofs were ponderous and un- wieldy. Many mathematicians re- fused to read them. But now I can't keep my preprints on the shelf. Col- leagues can't keep their hands off them."--John Conrad, Princeton

"Little children teased me. 'You're hiding your lack of mathematical in- sight inside layers of impenetra- ble notation,' they chanted in their barely audible sing-song voices as they played. I hated it, and I was in- timidated, avoiding all contact with children. But now I walk past the playground with pride, my three- page preprint held high for all the toddlers to see."--Robert Lazarus, Yale

"For many years, I could only sub- mit to journals with no upper page limit, like the Transactions. Now I'm publishing two-page notes in the Proceedings of the AMS. Thank you, Theorem Blaster."--Karen Ham- mond, Duke University

How does it work? By isolating the log- ical components of the core theorem and honing the fundamental connec- tive tissue, the patented triple-action technology of the Theorem Blaster fo- cuses its energies exactly where you need help the most. It burns off unde- sirable symbols and equations. It re- moves unsightly constants. It squeezes out the excess verbiage.

As a special bonus, the Theorem Blaster comes with our special video "Five Days to Beautiful Proofs and The- orems." Watch as our Ph.D.-trained personnel guide you in the use of your Theorem Blaster. In five days, you can say with pride, "Hey, there, random person walking down the street! Take a look at this proof!"

Always lacked the confidence to show your proofs off at the Mathemat- ical Sciences Research Institute in Berkeley? Afraid to take that long bus ride up the hill? In the pit of your stom- ach was the fear that seminar partici- pants might point and laugh at the cir- cuitous route you took to prove your theorem. Or even worse, they might get up and leave in the middle of your talk.

Well, live in fear no longer. Go ahead, get on the bus! Because they will be begging you for more theorems by the time you are done!

Well-known math trainer Steven Krantz has spent years teaching mathe- maticians to write clearly and concisely.

"I was amazed by the Theorem Blaster," he said. "It's like liposuction for math. My book A Pr imer of Math- ematical Writing is superfluous in the face of this amazing invention."

Do you have a closet filled with cumbersome machines, each bought on the promise of sudden size reduc-

�9 2006 Springer Science+Business Media, Inc., Volume 28, Number I, 2006 17

t ion? The Corol lary Cutter, the Lemma Loser, the Conjecture Cruncher? Well, th row them all away. You won't need them anymore!

And what about Mathersize| Or ~-- ladies| All those reduct ion fads are out the window! That ' s right. You don't need them anymore!

A top univers i ty re leased the resul ts of a s tudy demons t ra t ing that the The-

o r e m B l a s t e r | is the fas tes t and safest me thod to reduce pape r s to a reason- able size. They compared it to o ther re-

duct ion me thods and found that the t heo rem survival rate with the T h e o -

r e m B l a s t e r | app roaches 95%, way

outper forming the compet i t ion. And, bel ieve it or not, as a special

deal for those order ing today, in addi- t ion to the Theorem Blaster, and the video "Five Days to Beautiful Proofs and Theorems," you will also receive ins t ruct ions for the wor ld- famous A n a l y s i s D i e t | . That ' s right. The diet where you jus t drop analysis from your mathemat ica l diet and wa tch the bloat come off.

Epsilons and deltas, gone! ~r-alge- bras, gone! Radon-Nikodym deriv- atives, gone!

Your proofs will shr ink at a dra-

mat ic rate. Watch as lenlmas and corol- lar ies are exposed to view for the first time. It will bring out definition, in fact, lots of definit ions.

This oppor tuni ty is not available in any math depar tment . Don' t delay! Call our toll-free number today. Why not o rde r one for a fr iend as well? He will apprec ia te the help. We all will!

There is no guarantee that the bloat will

stay off. Persons with heart conditions or difficulty digesting de Rham coho- molgy should consult their Ph.D. advi-

sor before using the Theorem Blaster.

1 8 THE MATHEMATICAL INTELLIGENCER