the third third of life by walter c. wright

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LIVeP r e P a r i n g f o r Y o u r f u t u r e

The Third

Third of

Life Walter C. Wright

Foreword by Max De Pree



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Th ThiThi f

LifP r e P a r i n g f o r Yo u r f u t u r e

Wl C. Wigh

Fw b Mx D P

With a Study Guide for Individuals and Groups

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©2012 by Walter C. Wright Jr.

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While all stories in this book are true, some names and identifying information in this book have

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Wright, Walter C. (Walter Clifford), 1942-

The third third of life: preparing for your future/Walter C.

Wright, Jr.; foreword by Max O. De Pree.

p. cm.

“Eight sessions for individuals and groups with facilitator’s

notes.”

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-0-8308-3796-0 (pbk.: alk. paper)

1. Retirement. 2. Older people. 3. Old age. I. Title.

HQ1062.W755 2012

306.3’8—dc23

2012000265

P 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Y 27 26 25 24 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12




Cs

Foreword by Max De Pree. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

Introduction: A Conversation with Max De Pree . . . . . 9

SeSSion 1: Mining the Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13

Reflection: 104 Years and Counting, Scott Cormode

and Mavy Cormode 17

Reading: The Journey of a Lifetime 20

SeSSion 2: Transitioning Out of a Midlife Career . . . 24

Reflection: Building Great Lives, Dale Quarto 28

Reading: Retiring to Work? 33

SeSSion 3: Facing Fears—Embracing Hope . . . . . . 37 Reflection: Graduating at 60, Shi-Min Lu 43

Reading: Not What We Expect 47

SeSSion 4: Hopes and Dreams . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50

Reflection: The American Dream, Verley Sangster 54

Reading: Retirement 30 58

SeSSion 5: Renewed Calling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62 Reflection: My Future in Ancient Mesopotamia, John Purvis 68

Reading: Encore! 73

SeSSion 6: Family and Roots . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77

Reflection: Serving Family and Friends, Ray Henderson 82

Reading: Relationships Are Key 85

SeSSion 7: Generativity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90

Reflection: Opportunity Calls, Peter Thorrington 94

Reading: An Interview with a Mentor 98




SeSSion 8: Spirituality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102

Reflection: Seek and Ye Shall Find, Joyce Avedisian 106

Reading: Moses Was a Mountain Climber 109

So, What Now? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113

Reading: Three Thirds of a Life 115

Facilitator’s Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118

Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139




IuiA Conversation with Max De Pree

In 1492 Christopher Columbus stepped into a new world.

While not the first person to walk this land, his report changed

the way people thought about it. Worldviews changed; maps

were redrawn. The journey that Columbus made launched gen-

erations of ventures into this New World, exploring its possi-

bilities, conquering its fears and developing fulfilling and pro-

ductive ways to live together. The New World had always beenout there, but not yet experienced and thus unknown. All that

changed as people arrived en masse.

The third third is another new world. It has always been out

there, tacked on to the end of our working lives—a promise for

some and a fear for others.

I like to think of life in thirds. The first third (one to thirty)

we spend in incubation, education, preparation, exploringidentity and purpose, intimacy and relationships. The second

third (thirty to sixty) is dominated by family and work: we de-

fine our core relationships and commit to a career path. The

third third (sixty to ninety) encounters the unexplored terrain

of life after the working career. This country has been visited

by many, but traditionally the stay has been short. For years

“retirement” was expected around sixty-five with leisure to fill

the remaining ten to fifteen years. But that has all changed.

Now, we have a new world to explore.




10 Th Thi Thi f Lif

What has changed? First, health. Turning sixty is not neces-

sarily the beginning of decline. At sixty-five many are vigorous

and hopeful, with energy to invest and contributions to make.

Second, longevity. The health that enlivens us at sixty-five

could sustain us for another thirty years. The journey ahead is

much longer than it used to be.

Third, new explorers are arriving in large numbers.

Beginning January 1, 2011, every day for the next fifteen

years, eight thousand men and women in the United Stateswill turn sixty-five. In unprecedented numbers we are asking,

What now? Traditional retirement has been discarded, dis-

counted or denied as lifetimes grow longer. For many, retire-

ment at sixty-five is not financially possible. For others the

idea of thirty or more years of unproductive time is frighten-

ing. For most men and women the decision has been pushed

out into the future, and we enter the new world of the third

third of life without a plan or a purpose.

When I look for a model or a template to gauge my own

exploration of the third third, I naturally look to the mentor

I have dialogued with about life and work for nearly three

decades. The third third has been the particular topic of

a conversation with Max De Pree, the former CEO of Her-man Miller, Inc., over the past several years. I am now sixty-

eight. Max is eighty-seven. We have been in a mentoring

relationship for over twenty-five years, during which I have

drawn on Max’s wisdom and experience as I negotiate the

leadership journey and the stages of life. Thus emerged

the conversation that rests beneath this study guide. To-

gether we unpacked the questions that the new journeyraises, analyzed the fears embedded in uncharted wilder-

ness and pondered the opportunities for learning, growth,

contribution and joy.




Introduction 11

Using This gUide

This study guide offers few answers. Rather I raise questions, hop-

ing your response will point a way forward. Through these exer-

cises I intend to provoke thought, to help you define the reality

you will live in. The study guide is designed to create conversation.

While the questions can be pondered alone or with a mentor,

I believe there is wisdom and benefit to be found in the relation-

ships of a small group of four to eight persons committed to re-

flect together on the new world in front of you. In addition to myongoing conversation with Max, I have been part of a small group

of four couples who are all in the third third of life. We meet

weekly and have been massaging these topics together, learning

in community and encouraging one another as we ponder pri-

orities and choose how we will live and be productive tomorrow.

We call these groups “third third groups.” We envision a

group working together one question at a time: personal ref lec-

tion followed by shared thinking and group discussion. Each

group will develop its own personality. Different sessions may

have more meaning to one group than another. Flow with the

group. Stay with an important theme and spend less time on

those which do not resonate with you now.

Facilitator notes are included at the end of the study guide toassist in leading the small group process, whether one person

facilitates the entire project or various individuals accept re-

sponsibility for different sessions. The facilitator notes identify

areas that might need additional interpretation, and in some

cases suggest additional questions to expand a theme or topic.

Between each session I have included a reflection piece. The

reflections are not meant to be normative or specifically illustra-tive of the session they follow. They are short responses from

friends in my world of academic and corporate leadership to my

question: How has your life unfolded and shaped the way you




12 Th Thi Thi f Lif

think about the decades ahead? A farmer reflects on four volun-

teer encore careers; three business leaders retired and then went

back to work, one in microfinance in the developing world, one in

inner-city teaching and one back in business. An engineer, a com-

puter scientist and an organizational development consultant are

retooling for ministry. An inner city academic leader retires and

reengages over and over. These short reflections are drawn from

leaders affiliated in some way with the De Pree Leadership Cen-

ter. That creates a narrow sample. If that demographic does notresonate with you, skip the reflections. The questions and exer-

cises, I believe, are designed to surface your story; it is your story

that matters. Should you be so inclined, write up your story and

send it to me ([email protected]).

Following the reflection at the end of each session, I have

also included readings. These short essays gather up findings

from some of the research underway tracking the progress of

those moving into the third third of life. This material will fur-

ther deepen the themes explored in these pages. But again, this

is for those who wish to sharpen their focus on the broader

topic. The research may be useful in placing your experience in

perspective, but it is your experience that you are living, and

your choices that will shape your journey going forward. Thevalue of this study guide will be found in the discussions that

flow from the questions and exercises included in each session.

The questions and exercises proposed are foils, structures to

ignite, frame and contain a conversation. Argue with them, en-

gage them, listen to one another and raise more questions.

When you find answers on your journey forward, they will

be yours, perhaps ignited by questions we pose or illuminatedby insights found among friends.

May this study guide encourage you in the choices you make,

which will shape the rest of your life.




SeSSion 1

Miig h Ju

In Leadership Is an Art Max De Pree tells of the revelation his

father had when visiting the widow of an employee:

In the furniture industry of the 1920s the machines of

most factories were not run by electric motors, but by pul-

leys from a central drive shaft. The central drive shaft was

run by the steam engine. The steam engine got its steam

from the boiler. The boiler, in our case, got its fuel from

the sawdust and other waste coming out of the machineroom—a beautiful cycle.

The millwright was the person who oversaw that cycle

and on whom the entire activity of the operation de-

pended. He was a key person.

One day the millwright died.

My father, being a young manager at the time, did not

particularly know what he should do when a key persondied, but thought he ought to go visit the family. He went

to the house and was invited to join the family in the liv-

ing room. There was some awkward conversation—the

kind with which many of us are familiar.

The widow asked my father if it would be all right if she

read aloud some poetry. Naturally, he agreed. She went

into another room, came back with a bound book, and for

many minutes read selected pieces of beautiful poetry.

When she finished, my father commented on how beauti-




14 Th Thi Thi f Lif

ful the poetry was and asked who wrote it. She replied

that her husband, the millwright, was the poet.

It is now nearly sixty years since the millwright died,

and my father and many of us at Herman Miller continue

to wonder: Was he a poet who did millwright’s work, or

was he a millwright who wrote poetry?1

1. In the following chart, list all of the roles that you play in

your life. (For example, manager, parent, grandparent, child,

Sunday school teacher, Little League coach, mentor, friend,

volunteer, neighbor.)

ROLes WhO ARe YOU?

2. In the second column of the chart, for each role describe

yourself in two or three sentences as you are probably seen

by the people for whom you occupy that role. Who are you in

this role?

3. Reading back over your comments on each role, circle de-

scriptive words that occur in more than one role. What com-

mon pattern do you see? What values, actions, descriptorsseem to be consistent?




Mining the Journey 15

4. How does this emerging picture align with your own percep-

tion of who you want to be or who you think you are?

5. In three or four sentences describe the person who is re-

vealed by these multiple roles. Who are you at heart?

MINING THE JOURNEY

6. Draw a timeline from your birth to the present. Above the

timeline put the names of important people who have

crossed your path and shaped who you are. Below the time-

line indicate the major events in your life that have formed

your development.

7. Reflect back on your timeline. List the people and events

that shaped you. Identify what you learned at each point.

PeOPLe And eVenTs WhAT YOU LeARned




16 Th Thi Thi f Lif

8. Looking back at the people, events and roles that engaged

you, how would you describe what is important to you now?

That is, what gifts, passions and values have weathered the

journey thus far?

9. Looking back over your journey to date, reflecting on the

people and events that have formed you, the experiences

you have had (good and bad), and the roles you have oc-

cupied, how might you state your calling in life? By calling

I mean the purpose, passion or defining force of your life as

God has used it, whether or not you were conscious of thatcalling along the way.

As we enter the third third of life, our calling will find new

texture, new form, new possibilities. When I asked Max whatdefined him now, he responded that others might define him

by his books, his writing, but noted that they never ask about

the experiences that produced the books. The experiences we

bring to the table contribute to the wealth and wisdom we have

to offer in the next leg of the journey. And we will accumulate

more if we continue to learn. As Max says: “Learning also de-

fines me. You never stop learning; we are always in a state of

becoming. Who we are is fluid.”2




Rfli: 104 Years and Counting

Scott Cormode and Mavy Cormode

My grandmother, Mavy Cormode, just celebrated her 104th

birthday. She and my grandfather had been citrus ranchers

until they moved off the ranch in 1960. Even then they kepttheir hands in citrus by caring for the ten massive trees at-

tached to their home in town. Until last Christmas, my grand-

mother still lived by herself in that home and still cared for

those huge trees. Who would have thought that she would have

fifty years of productive life after “retirement”?

When I told my grandmother I wanted to write about her,

she could not understand the fuss. Indeed, she would be of-

fended by the term retirement. She grew up as the child of a

West Texas sharecropper; there was always work to do. Her

family moved frequently, often traveling between homes in a

covered wagon. She would tell you her childhood ended the day

her mother died. It fell to her make the family meals (including

biscuits from scratch twice a day) and do the washing (on awashboard in a tub of water hand-pumped from the ground).

There was always work to do.

She had four different “careers” after she retired from ranch-

ing. In the 1960s, she was a schoolteacher. The superintendent

of the local school district recruited her because he knew she

had graduated from a teachers’ college in Texas. She put him

off by saying that she did not have a California credential. Oneday he caught her as she was volunteering on the playground.

“Don’t worry about the California credential,” he said. “I spoke

to the county superintendent of schools. It’s all taken care of.”




18 Th Thi Thi f Lif

She never knew what that meant. Her first students were the

children of migrant farmworkers; they met in a tent under the

walnut trees. She loved those students and was disappointed

when the next year she got an eighth grade class at the new

school in town. A few years later, she became the remedial

reading specialist for the district. All this happened after she

“retired” from farming.

In 1967 she retired from teaching, and she began to volun-

teer at the new hospital. The rural valley did not have a hospitaluntil the local doctor took it upon himself to build one. In those

early days, they were chronically short of staff. So my grand-

mother did what was needed. She looks back now and cringes

at the things that a volunteer was allowed to do. She carried

babies to radiology (“I remember being so afraid I would drop

the baby and the hospital would get in trouble,” she said.) and

she distributed medications to bedridden patients. She did

whatever she was asked to do. And eventually that became a

problem. As the hospital grew, it professionalized. And when a

professional “director of volunteers” came along, there was no

longer a place for a volunteer who did not follow the rules but

did whatever she was asked to do. So after a decade of volun-

teering, she left the hospital.By now she was in her seventies and had retired from farm-

ing, from teaching and from the hospital. But she was not done

being useful. Soon she began working with a friend to tell the

historical story of her town. When she moved off the ranch

there were 8,000 people living in their rural valley. Soon the

freeways and housing tracts came. Now there are over 100,000

people living in the valley. And she worked with her friend tocreate a historical society and then a historical park to tell the

story of citrus farming to suburbanites and their children. They

collected farm equipment and documented how fruit was





picked. They arranged to have small homes slated for demoli-

tion transferred to the historical park so they could be pre-

served. And they created tours for schoolchildren. Eventually,

her friend became the city historian and my grandmother could

move on to other things.

In her eighties at this point, she had one more post-retire-

ment career in her. She began volunteering with the local li-

brary, selling used books to raise money. She would drive her

1970s Buick down to the library and sit in the used-book room,talking to people who dropped by and ringing up purchases.

She kept doing her library work until she was 98 years old,

when her family convinced her to give up her car.

Throughout her retirement years, she volunteered with the

local Quilting Guild. She and her friends would make baby

quilts and small teddy bears that she could donate to the hospi-

tal. These were then given to families leaving the maternity

ward. Even after she moved out of her house at age 103, she

continued to make her quilts. In fact, when I talked to her yes-

terday, she told me about her current project.

My grandmother “retired” the first time in 1960. Since then,

she has had four careers. She has been a teacher. She volun-

teered in the hospital. She helped create the historical society.And she worked for the library. All this while she was making

quilts and teddy bears for the hospital. That’s fifty productive

years after retirement.




Rig: The Journey of a Lifetime

What makes a good life? What does aging well mean for a

human life? How do we walk the path before us? How do we

prepare for our future?

Four personal characteristics enrich our travel through life:

hope—an orientation toward tomorrow with anticipation and

planning, thankfulness—embracing gratitude and forgiveness,

empathy and love—the ability to see the world through others’

eyes, and finally engagement—a desire to do things with people.

These are the conclusions that medical doctor George Vaillant

draws from his work with the Harvard Study of Adult Develop-

ment.3

With hope, gratitude, empathy and engagement we cannavigate successfully the journey of a lifetime.

The Harvard Study examined the lives of three cohorts of par-

ticipants followed over a span of sixty to eighty years. The re-

search samples included 90 intellectually gifted women born

around 1910, 268 male Harvard graduates born about 1920, and

456 socially disadvantaged inner-city men born about 1930.4

Participants were interviewed with follow-up questionnairesover the years. The two men’s groups had physical examinations

every five years with follow-up interviews every fifteen years.

When Vaillant brought the three studies together at Harvard, he

observed six common life tasks that must be mastered as a per-

son matures: identity, intimacy, career consolidation, generativ-

ity, keeper of meaning, and integrity or spirituality.5

Identity refers to the formative sense of self that we develop

as children. As we grow within the context of a family and

broader society, we begin to differentiate ourselves from those





around us. This is who I am, what I believe, what I love and care

about. Thoughts, values, beliefs, commitments are mine, not

the views of my parents or peers. Identity marks a healthy sep-

aration from the family and a redefining of relationships. We

are launched by the family, but we go forward as individuals

with a distinct sense of self. Normally this task is mastered

during the first third of our lives.

Intimacy focuses on the reconnecting that brings individual

lives into close interdependent relationships. During this stagewe learn to live in close, committed harmony with another, not

sacrificing our self, but including the other in our sense of self.

We choose to walk the journey together. Traditionally, mar-

riage has been the most visible expression of intimacy as two

persons commit to unfold their lives with one another to in-

crease who each of them is and who they are together. While

this task can be initiated in the first third, it often flows into

the second third of life, and few of us would be bold enough to

claim that we have mastered it!

With career consolidation, Vaillant sees the individual ex-

panding his or her sense of self beyond intimacy with another

into broader society. We take on a social identity in the work

that we do.6

Who we are now incorporates what we do, thework that we perform, the service that we provide, the contri-

bution that we make. As Max De Pree notes, “Intimacy is at the

heart of competence. It has to do with understanding, with be-

lieving, and with practice. It has to do with the relationship to

one’s work.”7 What we do with our life becomes an expression

of our self. From a focus on our self to the embrace of another,

to engagement with society our life expands in scale and inscope. Most of the second third of life is spent working on this

task, and for most people it will carry over in some form into

the third third.




22 Th Thi Thi f Lif

With generativity we enter three life tasks that may begin

before middle age, but can find deep expression in the third

third of life. Generativity is about investing ourselves in the

next generation.8 It is about caring for another and encouraging

the other’s development into the person that he or she can be-

come. Generativity is often visible in the relationship of mar-

riage and ideally in mature parenting, but also in coaching, tu-

toring, consulting and mentoring. Mentoring is an explicit

example of generativity, with one person, usually older, makinghis or her life accessible as a resource to another seeking to re-

alize his or her potential. Mentoring is not about teaching as

much as it is about creating space and providing the support to

risk learning. In the task of generativity, we identify specific

individuals and pour ourselves into their lives and growth.

Some enter this arena early in life, many engage generativity in

the middle years. But the third third of life is ripe for mentor-

ing, as the accumulated wisdom of a life can affirm and encour-

age the generation to follow. Max De Pree has described men-

toring as “a life-giving way of being called to retirement.”9

By keeper of meaning Vaillant describes a widening of genera-

tivity to embrace broader society. It is about preserving the

truths and values that we have learned to cherish and passingthem on to the cultures that follow us. At heart, it is about jus-

tice. Those things we have found to be important we now work

to embed in the communities around us and in society at large.

Close at home, this is illustrated in the movement from parent

to grandparent. When we think about our grandparents, we

often find ourselves reflecting on character and values, truths

and beliefs. Grandparents embody family culture. In societythis role is often filled by judges interpreting laws and protect-

ing truths. Around the world, nonprofit organizations emerge

to promote the application of larger principles like truth, love,





justice, health, community, peace. They are keeping meaning

alive. Boards of trustees accept responsibility as keepers of

meaning when they hold organizations to the mission and be-

liefs that launched them. While not limited to the third third of

life, keeping the meaning finds fertile soil in the grandparent-

ing years of life.

The final task of life to be mastered Vaillant calls integrity. It

could also be called spirituality. This is the ability to accept the

life we have lived as the one for us to live; there was no other.From the sixth task of life we look back with thankfulness

rather than regret. We accept with gratitude the life that we

have experienced, and we accept the approach of decline and

death as the winding down and completion of this life lived.

The faith and beliefs that have nurtured our journey become

the spirituality that embraces our story. This is who I am. This

is my life. With this final task we incarnate our beliefs and once

again pass on to those who follow the legacy of a life.

Six tasks to be mastered and a lifetime in which to engage

them—more than enough to fill three thirds of a life. We have

traveled this far; we have begun the tasks. As we travel the

third third of life, generativity, keeping the meaning and integ-

rity (spirituality) call us to an agenda for action.

the third third of life by walter c. wright

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