the use of physical objects in mourning by midlife

8/12/2019 The Use of Physical Objects in Mourning by Midlife

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The Use of Physical Objects in Mourning by Midlife-

Daughters who Have Lost Their Mother

Laura Lewis PhD & Judith Belle Brown PhD

Abstract

This qualitative study, using a phenomenological approach explored the use

of physical objects (possessions) in mourning by midlife women after their

mothers expected deaths. This facilitated the acquisition of a deeper

understanding and a greater knowledge of the daughters intentions and their

lived experience. The study questions were: 1) How do midlife daughters

understand the meaning of physical objects in their mourning process? 2)

What relational significance becomes imbued in physical objects? Twelve

midlife women participated in in-depth interviews which were audiotaped and

transcribed verbatim. In the analysis, particular attention was directed toward

understanding object descriptions and meanings. The analysis revealed four

themes which defined more specifically the relational dimensions that were

connected with mourning and physical object use. These dimensions of

maternal relationship included: a) an everyday connection; b) specialrelatedness; c) mother and mother/daughter personality characteristics; d)

generational significance. The use of objects in mourning revealed a creative

and dynamic mourning response and also revealed important dimensions of

the maternal relationship as it was experienced. It is suggested that object use

assists mourning as the bereft daughter moves toward an internalized

experience of her deceased mother.

Keywords: mourning, mid-life, maternal loss, physical objects, daughters,

grief, object use, linking objects,

1. Review of Literature

The loss of a loved one challenges the emotional frontiers of a personsexperience. Professionals working in the bereavement field have the privilege

of bearing witness to this challenging journey of private suffering, as people

forge forward with lives that have been dramatically changed by their losses.

For many individuals who have known the love of another, moving forward

with life is difficult, and the bereft can feel lost and barren in the shadow of

their sorrow. In an effort to cope with the emotional turmoil individuals may


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objects have a capacity to provide a tangible connection with the deceased

other and may also illicit a self-soothing capacity.

Challenges to Volkans assertions that physical objects are likely indicative

of complicated mourning have been asserted in the literature. Klass (1993)

reported on the use of linking objects by bereaved parents and found that the

objects provide solace to the parents during the grieving process, connecting

them to their dead child. Similarly, Silverman, Nickman and

Worden (1992) reported 77 percent of the bereaved children in their study hadsomething personal that belonged to their dead parent and that these objects

served as important links to the deceased.

Wheeler (1999) also subsequently challenged Volkans statements and

assumptions regarding object use in parental bereavement. A survey of

bereaved parents found that the majority of respondents, particularly females

had some kind of linking object. Wheeler (1999) described how the bereaved

parents often had the object centrally located and interacted intimately with it

as evidenced by sleeping with it, talking to it, smelling it. This finding

challenged Volkans (1981) theoretical premise that the linking object was

charged with feelings of ambivalence and inhibited grief work. The

respondents to this study strongly identified that the object made them feel

connected with their deceased child and also allowed the parent to feel

connected to a happier time. Such objects were also identified as assisting in

focusing mourning.

It is important not only to theoretically consider object phenomena, but to

also reveal current understandings regarding the influence of gender on the

experience of maternal loss. Moss, Resch & Moss (1997) linked bereavement,

gender, and the loss of a parent. Their research explored the gendered

responses to the death of a parent and documented both the gendered

similarities and differences evoked by such a loss. For women, their study

revealed daughters as having maintained a stronger tie with either deceased

parent (mother or father). Women were found to be more expressive in their

emotional upset and more somatically affected by their losses. Overall, Moss

et al., (1997) found that the gender of the adult child was strongly associated

with the ways in which adult children responded to the loss of their elderly

parents with females being more profoundly affected.

Douglas (1990) study looked at gender and the long-term impact ofparental death. In this study gender differences to loss were also notable. This

study confirmed that for the women in their study, the loss was experienced as

one of the biggest events of their lives. In keeping with the popular mythology

about parental losses as being a normal part of the life cycle and as such not as

significant as some other losses, none of the women in Douglas sample felt


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their loss was acceptable to them and reported prevalent feelings of isolation in

their grief.

In summary existing contributions from the literature orient the reader to

two dynamic tensions that exist is our understanding of object use. They are,

whether object use signals a complicated grief process as defined by Volkan or

whether such use is self-soothing and provides a point of connection. The

second dynamic tension relates to gender and the experience of mourning for

women specifically. It is apparent that gender influences the experience of

maternal loss, and as such will also directly influence how these losses are

psychologically and emotionally integrated.

2. Method

The purpose of this qualitative study was to discover and explore the

unique and common understandings of women in regard to their use of

physical objects in their mourning experiences after the expected death of their

mothers. Assuming an interpretive phenomenological approach, knowledge of

the lived experience of these individuals and their intentions within their

mourning processes was sought.

A. Participant Selection

In concert with qualitative methods, a purposive sample was recruited in

order to capture depth and richness in the participants reflections rather than a

representative sample of the larger population. Specific sampling inclusion

criteria included; adult females who had experienced the death of their

biological mothers at least two years previously. The reason for limiting the

study to adult females was rooted in both the grief and human development

literatures. (Stroebe, 1998; Moss, Resch & Moss 1997; Moss & Rubenstein

1997; Cramer 1993; Douglas 1990; Chodorow 1978, 1989; Miller, 1986

Three recruitment sites in London, Ontario, Canada were used. These sites

were known for their community bereavement services and the recruitment of

potential participants was made in accordance with their own agency policy

and procedures. In total, twelve midlife adult women ranging in age from 39

60 years of age were recruited for this study. The mean age of participantswas 48 years.

B. Data Collection

Using a semi-structured in depth interview guide participants were asked

to consider and describe their use of physical objects in their mourning


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process. The applicability of existing conceptual theories was considered by

the researcher, while attention remained focused on new understandings and

emergent themes emanating from the participants narrative accounts. The in-

depth interviews were conducted in the comfort of the participants home and

occurred at a mutually convenient time. The interviews were audio-taped and

transcribed verbatim.

C. Data AnalysisThe data analysis was one of immersion/crystallization (Crabtree &Miller,

1999). This analysis began with a line-by-line reading and re-reading of the

transcripts. Emergent themes were identified and highlighted, along with

expressive quotes that were exemplary in their content. The authors

independently read and analyzed each of the transcripts and then met to

compare and contrast their analysis.

Themes identified from the first few transcripts were utilized to make sense

of subsequent narrative material, while the researchers also stayed open to

constant revisions and expansions identified in subsequent interviews. Also,

during the interviews member-checking occurred to ensure that emerging

interpretations were consistent with the participants experience. Thus, the

process of immersion/crystallization as an organizing style in the narrative

analysis phase of the study involved both the researchers interpretive analysis

and intuition, and reflexive feedback from the participants themselves.

3. Findings

An initial analysis of the narrative data revealed many mourning objects.

Physical objects that were repeatedly identified for their significance to

mourning processes included; jewelry, photographs, clothing,

crocheted/knitted articles, furniture, blankets, china/figurines, food-related

objects including cooking implements and more traditional mourning artifacts

(cross). Although the articles may have been similarly identified there was no

similarity in meaning when object meanings were compared. Therefore,

identification of the same mourning object in no way predicted the dimensions

of meaning that would be associated with the object. Each objected contained

dimensions of meaning that were individualized to the daughters unique

personality characteristics, her relationship with her mother, her mothers

personality and personal history.

An analysis of the participants responses and reflections illuminated how

physical objects provided a means by which the adult daughter remained

relationally connected with her mother. Four key sub-themes emerged from


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the analysis describing the following relational connections: 1) An everyday

connection with the deceased mother; 2) mother/daughter personality

characteristics; 3) a special relatedness; and 4) a generational connection. An

overarching theme was how object use and the emotional importance of the

object evolved over time, with some objects gaining importance and centrality

in the life of the daughter, and others diminishing in their significance over

time.

A. Everyday Connection with the Deceased Mother

For some participants the object stimulated an everyday connection with

the deceased mother. This frequency of contact with the object often mirrored

the mother-daughter relationship where interactions in their relationship were

of a daily nature. These items were diverse and unique to the lives they had

shared.

For one participant a set of silverware was the most substantial thing she

brought back with her from her mothers out-of-country residence. In the

following quote the creation of a daily connection with mother through the use

of the silverware is clearly identified. Also, her narrative reveals the tensions

that existed in using the silverware at first, and how this evolved over time.

She explained:Its a used set of silverware. It is knives, forks of actual silver. So I took

that. That was actually the heaviest and the most substantial of all the

things. You know we eat with it every day. A set of silverware I have every

day. In the past I was also very concerned I would lose pieces of it, but

now I dont care really. I even take a spoon into the garden even though its

silver and I think Ive lost one at least in the garden. Though its in the

garden where she always was. She seemed to have spent her whole time

in the garden. But the silverware thats a daily, a daily connection with her.

I think its meaningful in that respect that I took the silverware because I am

meaningfully connected to her every day.

This example serves to illuminate how objects evolve in their use over

time. It is also notable how at first the silverware was not allowed into thedaughters garden for fear that she would lose pieces of it there. This

protectiveness diminished significantly over time, allowing the silverware to

be used where needed.


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B .Mother and Mother/Daughter Personality Characteristics

As noted above, for some participants the presence and use of the object

appeared to stimulate accessibility to defining personality characteristics of the

mother. Of note, these particular personality characteristics were also

characteristics that some of the women were beginning to identify in

themselves. Thus the physical objects were particularly meaningful as areflection of the interconnectedness or mutuality of the daughters and the

mothers personality traits.

For one daughter, a small round pink alabaster container allowed access to

dimensions of her mothers personality which were very important to her. The

participant described how this alabaster container represented her mothers

sweetness, beauty, elegance and daintiness. Thus, her mothers way of being

was evoked when she was with this container, and she attached herself to the

container in a way that elicited mother within. She elaborated:

The containers more special because it is pretty and sweet like my Mom. It

always sat on her dresser and she put her little jewelry in it. To me, it

was always where Mom was. Its so typical of the colors she liked. To me

its got a beauty I wish it wasnt broken, but, it reminds me verymuch of Mom. To me it has a kind of elegance to it that would be her.

Objects could also represent suppressed or unexpressed personality

characteristics of the mother. One participant described how, upon the

encouragement of an older sister, she had picked out a pin from amongst her

mothers belongings. The pin was a delicate gold flower shape, set with

sparkling magenta cut stones. For her, the pin had come to represent

dimensions of her mothers personality that were not always accessible to this

daughter, or indeed to her mother, because of the powerful influence of her

mothers domineering and abusive husband. She stated:

I think for me it reminded me of my Moms heart because in my Moms

heart of hearts I think she was a very glittery woman, but that got lost along

the way when you have 9 kids and you live with a very domineering man for

72 years. It reminded me of my moms heart, that special part in the middle

where she just could have shone.

When reflecting on her mothers potential glitter and capacity to shine,

the pin not only allowed this participant access to these suppressed dimensions


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of her mothers personality, but it also became a symbol of her own desire to

shine. The pin allowed the daughter access to the shining and lightness that

were longed-for dimensions of her own personality, but which often remained

elusive to her behind more powerful feelings of isolation and depression. She

described how acquaintances would remark on how she would light up

when she wore her mothers pin. Her experience of vibrance and freedom

allowed her to define herself differently and these feelings were accessed

through the pins presence.

C. Special Relatedness

Repeatedly, in the daughters interviews physical objects that elicited

maternal memories of togetherness and relational capacity where highly

valued. Often this relatedness was experienced as a child, although not

exclusively. Therefore special relatedness with mother emerged as a key

theme. Objects representative of this theme were very diverse. However many

were linked in some way to either food preparation or food celebration. Thus,

special relatedness with mother was often inextricably linked to food, which

was perhaps not altogether unusual when considering the mothers lives in a

socio-historical cultural context. One participant shared:

I have a container in my cupboard that was hers, a plastic container with

icing sugar in it with a little tin cup, a one cup measuring cup. A very long

time after Mom died I couldnt use that measuring cup. And I kind of had

forgotten about it and then one day I needed icing sugar and I went up there

in the cupboard and I brought it down and I started to cry. Because that cup,

I always remember it being a part of my life with Mom. It was Moms cup.

Ill never be in the kitchen with my Mom again, ever. That cup, when Im

baking, Im with that cup, and its like Im baking with her again in the

kitchen. Its like a little piece of that time can be revisited. That specialness,

just because thats the cup she used all the time.

The tin measuring cup was ever present in her life with her mother and

continued to be ever present now in her life without her. It allowed her accessto memorable times shared with mother and to a feeling of being with her

Mom when she used it. Their special relatedness, their connectionin the

kitchen, was revisited through its use. The tin-measuring cup also reflected an

evolution of object use. The participant identified how for a very long time

after her mother died she could not use the measuring cup, however it had now

become a measuring device which she used whenever she baked. Its


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significance evolved over time, becoming a treasured object with the passage

of time.

D. Generational Significance

The analysis revealed a strong generational theme for several participants.

The objects not only linked the daughters relationally to their mothers, but to

their mothers ancestors as well. This sense of connection and lineage toancestry influenced the significance of physical objects, giving certain

physical objects prominence in the mourning process. For one woman this

generational attachment was symbolized in a photograph of a rural homestead

that had been her mothers childhood home. This photograph was

prominently displayed in her hallway and was identified as a very important

physical object to her. She shared:

Thats where Mom was born. Its a beautiful big farm. It has big pillars

out in front and a big circular driveway, and the property all around. There

were horses. I can remember going there and having a wonderful time.

The feelings that come from that place are all the smells from the kitchen,

the parlor. Mom was so happy there. Its all just a fascinating place. The

picture brings me back to the wonderment of being a kid on a farm and

having your Mom and Dad take you to this place. Mom laughed there, and I

can see it was all just magical. The memories are of warm people, happy

things and easier times.

Another participant, a textile artist, confirmed the generational significance

in a vest she had designed. She offered:

So a lot of these bits that are embroidered onto this leather are from my

Mom, my Grandmother, and my Mother-in-law. There are pieces of jewelry

that are from different women in my life here. There is a lizard on here that

was my Mothers. She had this lizard in her cosmetic drawer and the lizard

was just always there. So anyway, I brought the lizard more to protect it, or

keep it constant I suppose. When I was creating this vest I thought, the

lizard will go there [at the midpoint of the left side of the vest over theparticipants heart] I think this is the right place for it. Its at home. It

belongs there.

The vest also had glass beads sewn into it which were the participants

maternal grandmothers. In addition, she had added ivory and jade which


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belonged to her husbands stepmother, along with other decorative items from

her husbands grandmother and her husbands mother. It was described as a

womens vest, an artistic work in progress. It was not a completed piece,

because it was still being influenced by the generations of women who would

come to be sources of attachment for this woman. She explained, Things are

literally placed on here as attachments. Because thats the kind of piece it is.

This narrative identifies this participants creation of a textile piece that

symbolically incorporated and represented many of the significant women

across generations who have influenced and sustained her life. It also

identifies the meaning of maternal constancy which the lizard has come to

portray. The meaning of the vest suggests a mothers constancy and a

multiplicity of female generational attachments.

4. Discussion

The present study was undertaken in order to explore the function and use

of material objects (possessions) by midlife daughters who had lost their

mother. The meaning of the use of objects in mourning processes was sought.

The analysis of transcribed interviews confirmed the existence of objects use

and that these objects played an important positive role in negotiating maternal

grief thus challenging the notion that object use is often an obstacle in a

mourning process or indicative of pathological complicated grief processes.

There is much congruence between this studys findings and the existing

contributions in the literature that address female development. The relational

nature of the use of physical objects in mourning is in concert with the work of

Jean Baker Miller (1978, 1986) and Nancy Chodorow (1989) who highlight

the importance of womens contributions to the overall emotional and

intellectual growth of others, and female development specifically. It can also

be suggested that the mothers everyday presence, her creation of special

relatedness, the influence of her own personality, and her honoring of her

ancestry, are dimensions of relatedness that have influenced and profoundly

shaped the daughters self-development. Thus, the fact that these dimensions

of relatedness appear in the daughters narratives about object use in mourning

is understandable as they mirror dimensions of what had been maternallyoffered through an interactive relatedness with her mother throughout a

lifetime.

Diane Lutovichs (2002) narrative account of midlife womens maternal

losses also confirmed relatedness as an important dimension of female

mourning at midlife. According to Lutovich (2002) some of the work of


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mourning is the construction of a relationship with the deceased that continues

to meet the needs of the daughter who is left behind. Although this narrative

account did not identify how the construction of this post-death relationship

would be achieved, it is suggested that the use of relationally-associated

objects in mourning may assist in the construction of this post-death

relatedness which may ultimately assist women in the internalized

transformation of their primary attachment bonds.

In summary, the findings of this study support the use of physical objectsfor women who are mourning as it is evident that such use facilitates

accessibility to internalized dimensions of maternal relatedness which are

identified as comforting and soothing to the mourner.

5. Conclusion

This study has provided illumination regarding the phenomena of object

use in mourning for midlife women who have lost their mothers. The roles

and meanings of physical objects were as diverse as the objects themselves,

however the diversity of roles and meanings could be understood within the

dimensions of relatedness that their use invoked. Indeed, the use of physical

objects seemed to provide a means to access dimensions of maternal

relatedness that otherwise remained elusive. In this manner physical objectsseemed to provide a means for the continuation of relatedness now psychically

transformed. Physical objects vitally linked the daughters to their first primary

relationship, a relationship that was gone in its former construction, and which

was now demanding an internal psychic transformation and ultimate

reconstruction.

Indeed, there was a dynamic tension in the use of objects that existed

within each of these participants. This tension was very much related to

holding on and letting go. There were objects that were very much clung to in

desperate attempts to symbolically cling to mother and objects that were

ultimately released to the processes of internalization. All of object use was in

the service of the daughters needs at the time and all were creative endeavors

that temporarily supplied that which was psychically demanded. Ultimately, it

seemed that for most participants the use of physical objects in mourningfacilitated the construction and formation of a different maternal relatedness, a

relatedness which primarily existed on the inside, where the maternal

accessing, internal dialogue, and the internalized relationship continued. Of

course, the former living relationship is gone, but in its place there emerges a

new relatedness, a relatedness that for many of the women is shaped and

guided by object use.


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Author Affiliation:

Laura Lewis, Assistant Professor, Kings University College, London,

Ontario, Canada

Judith Belle Brown, Department of Family Medicine, Schulich School of

Medicine, Department of Family Medicine, The University of Western

Ontario, and Kings University College. London, Ontario

Address Correspondence to: Dr. Laura Lewis, Kings University College,

School of Social Work, 266 Epworth Ave., London Ontario Canada N6A

2M3 [email protected]
mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]


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