Three things in life once gone never come back........1.words 2. opportunity.3.time. Three things in life are never sure ...1.dreams 2.sucess 3.fortune. three things in life that make you a great person..1.hardwork 2.sincerity 3. sucess.. three things in life are most valuable..1.love 2. self respect 3. friends , three things in life must not be lost....1.peace 2. hope 3. honesty, three things in life that destroy a person...1. greed 2. pride 3. anger.. –

Sardar JokesTwo fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven. Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there. "So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament here in heaven. And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tomorrow's match!" An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector . The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "All right, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.  Once Zail singh was relaxing in a park. Some kids playing nearby decided to pull his leg. Walking up to him they asked him, "Sir are you relaxing?" Zail singh replied, "No, I am Zail Singh!" The kids started laughing wildly and ran off. This terribly confused Zail Singh and he decided to check it out. He walked up to a guy who was relaxing on a bench near him and asked, "Are you relaxing?" The man replied, "Yes, why do you ask?" Zail Singh answered with satisfaction, "Then those kids are probably looking for you!" A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the Sardar replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, 'Wash Basin' ". A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State's patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head. Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the

Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali. "Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same. They continued like this for some time, but soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names. The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name. He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali's head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "JallianWala Bagh".  Banta Singh dialed to talk to his dear pal Santa Singh "Is that 6545224?." asked Banta Singh. "No this is 6545225." came the reply. After thinking for few seconds Banta Singh replied "No matter, please call Mr. Santa Singh from next door.

Why do we get wrinkles?

Wrinkles are mostly associated with aging. As we age, the cells of our skin become thinner and lose elasticity because of the decreased levels of collagen production in our body.  The skin cells also divide more slowly, thus delaying repair and renewal of the skin. Also, as we age, the fat cells just under the outer layer of our skin, which makes the skin look supple, get smaller and lose their ability to fill out whatever gaps created by the damage that occurs in the inner layers of our skin. And so our skin sags, becomes dry and develops wrinkles as we age.  Wrinkles also develop because of skin damage, the skin damage coming mostly from exposure to sunlight. Spending too much time under the sun with minimal or no protection at all causes the skin to be vulnerable to ultraviolet radiation.   Sunlight causes the outer layer of the skin, which is the epidermis, to become thinner, and encourages the overproduction of melanin, which eventually leads to skin cancer. Continued sunlight exposure also causes the collagen in our skin to break down more rapidly, faster than natural aging actually does. Loss of collagen results in loss of elasticity for the skin, therefore to skin wrinkling.   The development of free radicals in the skin also causes it to wrinkle. Free radicals are unstable oxygen molecules in the body that lack an electron; oxygen molecules need two. Free

radicals also contribute to the speedy breakdown of collagen in the skin.   How do free radicals develop in the skin?   This happens through continued exposure to ultraviolet rays from the sun, air pollution and cigarette smoking.   We are probably not aware of this, but gravity also plays a role in why we get wrinkles. Gravity pulls at our skin, causing sags and jowls to form.   Getting wrinkles is a natural process. It is something we cannot avoid, and it is something that starts happening in our twenties and thirties. Facelift and other cosmetic surgery cost an arm and a leg, but there are cheaper ways and more effective ways of arresting the formation of wrinkles in the skin and keeping our skin looking younger for longer.   Ways to diminish wrinkles:

First is to keep our skin well-protected from UV ray exposure. This means laying on product, such as creams and lotions, that have SPF protection all over the skin. Another is proper nutrition and hydration. Eat lots of fruits, vegetables and fish that are rich in vitamins and minerals that fight the development of free radicals in the body. Also, drink plenty of water and fruit juices to keep the body hydrated, and avoid too much black tea and coffee.  Tips to Diminish Wrinkles: 1) Get as much sleep as possible as well, as much as eight hours every night.  2) Sufficient rest keeps the body from being stressed, since chronic stress accelerates the aging process.  3) Lastly, give up smoking because smoking dehydrates the skin and burns away the nutrients of the body.  4) Don't forget to drink at least 8 glasses of water daily.

 5) eat veggies rich in Vitamin A, such as carrots, celery and spinach.  Wrinkle Removal Recipe:   Banana is wonderful as an anti-wrinkle treatment. Mash 1/4 banana until very creamy. Spread all over face and leave for 15-20 minutes before rinsing off with warm water followed by a dash of cold. Gently pat dry.  Wrinkle Remover:   Green Thompson seedless grapes! It has one of the ingredients in those big time expensive wrinkle creams.   All you do is cut a grape in half and gently crush it on your face and neck. Make sure that you get the "crows-feet" and the lines around your mouth. Leave it on for twenty minutes or so and rinse with tepid water and pat dry.   Repeat every day and before you know it... those nasty old lines will be hard to find!  Some of the Inspiring Quotes which tell not to give up in life so you can learn something from these Quotes 1) Never expect things to happen..struggle and make them happen. never expect yourself to be given a good valuecreate a value of your own 2) If a drop of water falls in lake there is no identity.But if it falls on a leaf of lotus it shine like a pearl.so choose the best place where you would shine.. 3) Falling down is not defeat...defeat is when your refuse to get up... 4) Ship is always safe at shore... but is is not built for it 

5) When your successful your well wishers know who  you are when you are unsuccessful you know who your well wishers are 6) It is great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell  him/her 7)  "To the world you might be one person, but  to one person you just might be the world 8) "Even the word 'IMPOSSIBLE' says 'I M POSSIBLE' " 9) Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort in your  life makes all the difference. May ALLAH / God Bless You All, 

Usey Main Bhool Jana Chahti HoonSuno ! Main Muskurana Chahti HoonDukhi Rehnay Ki Aadat Ho Gai HaiMager Ab Gungunana chahti HoonPuraney Sab Taluq Toor Ker AbNai Duniya Basana Chahti HoonWoh Nazmen Paaon Se Lipti Hain LakinMain Un sey Jaan Churana Chahti HoonWoh Sab Tohfey Woh sookhey Phool SareyMain Ab Un Ko Jalana Chahti HoonMain Utna Pass Aati Hoon TumhareyMain Jitna Door Jana Chahti HoonMaery Hamdam, Haqeeqat Hai Yeh MeriMain Teray Pass Aana Chahti HoonUbhrney Ki Koi Khahish Nahin HaiK Ab Main Doob Jana Chahti Hoon

UTHAE HAIN MAINE GUM KAISE-KAISEMUJH PER HUE HAIN KARAM KAISE-KAISE

MUMKIN NAHIN HAI INMAIN PHANSKAR NIKALNA

JULPHOON MAIN HAI TERI KHUM KAISE-KAISE

AAB-E-HAYAAT KI HASRAT MAIN AB TAKSAHE HAIN MAINE SITAM KAISE-KAISE

PESH AAYE NA JUDAI KISI KO BHI YARABGHUTA HAI ISMAIN DUM KAISE-KAISE

TAUBA YE USKI NAJUK MIJAJIMUJHSE HUA VO BARAHAM KAISE-KAISE

GHABRA KE TANHAI SE, MILNE KI KHATIRUTHAYEE HAIN MAINE KADAM KAISE-KAISE

"J N T" TUM HI NA SHAYAR HO TANHAJAHAAN MAIN HAIN AUR BHI EHALE-KALAM KAISE-KAISE

Ab apny faisly per khud ku uljhny lagi hoon zara se baat per itna bikhrny ku laggi hoon

wo jis moausm ki abb tak muntazer aankhain thee meri

iss moasam se itna darny ku laggi hoon

mjy nadeeda rston per safer ka shouq bhi tha

thakan pa'on se lipti hai tu marny ku laggi hon

Mjy ye char dewari ki ronaq mar de gyee

mai ik imkan thee manzal ka mitny ku laggi hoon

mai jis ko kam se kam mahsos kerna chahtee thee

uski baat ko itna sumijhny ku lggi hoon

jo mery dil ki galiyon se kabhi guzera nai tha

abb apny hath se khat issko ku likhny laggi hon

badan ki rakh tak bhi raston main na bachy gyee

barsti barishon main yoon sulgny ku laggi hoon

wo soraj hai dukh ka phir ye aisa kia hwa hai

mai phatter thee tu aakhir abb pighlny ku laggi hoon

Aankhon ka rang, baat ka lehja badal gayawoh shakhs aik shaam main kitna badal gaya

kuch din to mera aks raha ayeena naqshphir yoon huwa k khud mera chehra badal gaya

jab apnay apnay haal pay ham tum na reh sakayto kiya huwaa jo ham say zamana badal gaya

kadmon talay jo ret bichi thi woh chal parius nay churaaya haath to sehra badal gaya

koi bhi cheez apni jageh par nahin rahi jaatay hi aik shakhs kay kiya kiya badal gaya

 ik sarkhoshi ki moj nay kaisay kiya kamalwo be niaaz saara ka saara badal gaya

 uth kar chala gaya koi wakfay kay darmiaanparda utha to saara tamaasha badal gaya

 hairat say saaray lafz usay dekhtay rahaybaaton main apni baat ko kaisay badal gaya

 kehnay ko ik sehan main deewar hi banighar ki fiza makaan ka naqsha hi badal gaya

 shaayad wafa kay khel main uktaa gaya tha wohmanzil kay paas aakay jo rasta hi badal gaya

qayem kisi bhi haal pay dunyaa nahin rahitabeer kho gayee kabhi sapna badal gaya

manzar ka rang asal main saaya tha rang kajis nay usay jidhar say bhi dekha badal gaya

andar kay mosaamon ki khabar us ko ho gayee us no bahaar naaz ka chehra badal gaya

 aankhon main jitnay ashaq thay jugnoo say ban gayewoh muskuraaya aur meri dunyaa badal gayee

 apni gali main apna hi ghar dhoondtay hain log amjad yeh kon shehar ka naqsha badal gaya

Painful break upA Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had dated two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."  

Plane crashAbe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!" 

No mailA man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of his house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it,

and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which the blonde replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

Thanks............ ......... ........Because some will say one thing and do another.

So quickly they can betray each other!   

A true friend will always have your back,defending you from attack.

 A real friend will always show you respect.

With a good friend, you'll be able to connect.   

You know you have a friend when you go to them in time of need.

And they'll come to your rescue with tremendous speed. 

Thank You For Being  Such A Friend

Love is like playing the piano... First you must learn, to play by the rules... Then u must forget the Rules and Play from your heart.....

Mouse Story ....

A mouse looked through the

crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -

he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard,

the mouse proclaimed the

warning.

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap

in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and

said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you

but it is of no consequence to me.

I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a

mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said,

"I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,

but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.  

Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse  turned to the cow and said, "There is a

mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.  

I'm sorry for you,

but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,

to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --

like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.  In the

darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake

whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.  

The farmer rushed her

to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup,

so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's

main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued,

so friends and neighbors came

to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer  butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came

for her funeral, the farmer

had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you,

remember --

when one of us is threatened,

we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out

for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

 

REMEMBER:

EACH OF US IS A VITAL

THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. 

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. 

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again. 

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? 

My reality check bounced. 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt. 

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Boss : Where were you born ? sardar : Punjab. Boss : which part ? sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car. Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.

Sardar : What is the name of your car ? Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T". Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto. sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening. Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring. Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die? Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ? Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it.... Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Banta asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto?

Santa: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only'

Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai. Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho? Santa: I'm falling in love.

Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets Jeeto: Why 3? Santa: For you and your parents

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken. Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh! Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run? Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .... Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.

Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

Banta: U cheated me. Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u. Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that? Santa: Tipu's skeleton. Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it? Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

____________ _____If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitateSanta was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Banta asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto? Santa: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only'

Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.

Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho? Santa: I'm falling in love.

Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets Jeeto: Why 3? Santa: For you and your parents

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken. Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh! Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run? Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .... Inteviewer shouts: Stop it. Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

Banta: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u. Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that? Santa: Tipu's skeleton. Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it? Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.When it comes back there are still stains in herPanties. So the next week she encloses a note to theChinese man that says, "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending theSame note to the laundry. "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his ownNote that said, "USE MORE PAPER ON REAR END!!!"

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader ofChina?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Getme the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. Andthen get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

*Man comes home, finds his wife with his **friend in bed. He shoots hisfriend to death.**Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".*

*Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" **Santa wrote back,"SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"*

*What is the definition of Mistress?**Someone between the Mister and Mattress*

*Husband asks , "Do U know the meaning of **WIFE??**W**ithout **I**nformation **F**ighting **E**verytime**Wife replies," No, It means,**W**ith **I**diot **F**or **E**ver !!!"*

*Three Feelings:

**What's the difference between stress,**Tension and panic?**Stress is when wife is pregnant,Tension**Is when girlfriend is pregnant,**And Panic is when both are pregnant.*

*Teacher: U know the importance of period?**Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad gotheart attack & our driver ran away.*

*Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?**Bcoz people started licking the wrong side.*

*Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids areurs??**No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.*

*Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.**1st: How urs look like?**2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36,**Fair, Black eyes. Wat ABT urs?**1st: Forget mine. Lets find urs!!*

*Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential Dad says, you aremy son, im confident. Ur friend also my son, that's confidential! *

*Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this right time we shud talk ABTsex.**Daughter: Sure mom, tell me wat U want to know.**Mom:##??!! *

*Friend to sardar: Why are U going for a birth control surgery for the ninthtime?**Sardar: Wat to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant.

If men ruled the world…

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the match, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Good effort, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in lager, bitter or stout.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be chief executive.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage towns in Essex.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

The bins would take themselves out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're number 1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Crimestoppers would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. Two words: "Friends, naked".

Jerry Springer and Bianca from 'Eastenders' would be chained to a JCB

and pushed off St. Paul's cathedral for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only programme opposite European Football would be European Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a copper gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Policeman: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Policeman: "Nice one. That's 10 quid off."

Taps would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 per cent proof."

People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

1. A woman was sitting on a windowsill on the 35th floor of a building. She was about to commit suicide. The police surrounded the bottom of the building telling her NOT to jump. Her husband was in the room with her and kept trying to stop

her. She got nervous and fell, yet she did not get or hurt or even a scratch. Why?

2. A boat will carry only 200 pounds. How can a man weighing 200 pounds and his 2 sons, each weighing 100 pounds, use the boat to cross a river?

3. Looking at a picture a man says "Brothers and sisters I have none but that man's father is my father's son." Whose picture is it?

4. If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?

5. There are three errers in the statement of this problem. You must detect all of them to recieve full credit.

6. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?

7. How m! any bricks d! oes it take to complete a building made of brick?

8. Bill's parents have three sons. The first is named Tom, the second is named

Dick. What is the third son named?

9. What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?

10. A patient is rushed into the emergency ward of the Conundrum National Hospital after a horrific road crash, and is in urgent need of an operation to save his life. The surgeon on duty walks into the room and says "Oh my god! I can't operate on this boy. He is my SON!" but the surgeon was not the boy's father.

How could this be?

11. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

12. A bottle and a cork together cost $1.50. the bottle costs $1.00 more than the cork. How much does each cost?

13. A woman with no driver's license goes the wrong way on a ! one-way street and turns left at a corner with a no left turn sign. A policeman sees her but does

nothing. Why?

14. The one who makes it, sells it. The one who buys it, never uses it. The one that uses it never knows that he's using it. What is it?

15. Take 2 apples from 3 apples and what have you got?

16. Which common English word is most often pronounced incorrectly?

17. A barbecue grill holds two steaks at a time. It takes ten minutes to grill one side of a steak. What is the shortest amount of time it will take to grill three

steaks on both sides?

18. What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it?

19. A horse is tied to a five meter rope, six meters away from it was a bail of hay. Without breaking the rope, the horse was able to get to the bail of hay. How is

this possible?

........Scroll down for answers..... .! ....... .! .

........Scroll down for answers..... .! ....... .! .

ANSWERS...

1. She fell INTO her room instead of out the window

2. First the 2 sons cross the river together. 1 son then re-crosses the river to take the boat back to the man. The man then crosses the river The other son then re-crosses river. Both sons then cross the river, and everyone is now on the other side.

3. His son.

4. None. Roosters don't lay eggs.

5.Errors is spelled incorrectly (spelled "errers" in the problem).

Receive is spelled incorrectly (spelled "recieve" in the problem).The third error is that there are only two errors, not three.

6. Mount Everest

7. Only the last one.

8. Bill

9. The letter M.

10. The surgeon is the boy's mother.

11.There are more than two babies. It could be triplets, quadruplets, etc.

12.The bottle costs $1.25 and the ! cork costs $0.25.

13.She's a pedestrian or bicyclist.

14. A coffin.

15. 2 apples.

16. incorrectly

17. 30 minutes. First grill one side of two steaks for 10 minutes. Then flip over the first steak. Set aside the second steak for now, and grill one side of the third steak. Grill them for 10 minutes. Now the first steak is done. Put the second steak back on and grill the other side, and flip over the third steak. Grill for 10 more minutes. All 3 steaks will be grilled in 30 minutes.

18. An anchor.

19. The other end of the rope is tied to nothing..