timd-ief part 9

© IEF 1© IEF 1

Building HealthyMarriages

Building HealthyMarriages

© 2002 International Educational FoundationIEF is responsible for the content of this presentation only

if it has not been altered from the original.

© IEF 2© IEF 2

Build Own Character StrengthBuild Own Character Strength

A partnership is only as strong as its partners Strengthen

conscience through study and service

Cultivate good goals, interests and friendships

A partnership is only as strong as its partners Strengthen

conscience through study and service

Cultivate good goals, interests and friendships

© IEF 3© IEF 3

Practice self-disciplinePractice self-discipline

Focus on OwnDeficiencies, Not Spouse’s

Focus on OwnDeficiencies, Not Spouse’s

© IEF 4© IEF 4

Commitment — Context for Love to Grow

Commitment — Context for Love to Grow

Creates safety forintimacy

Allows time todiscover spouse Never ending

process

Creates safety forintimacy

Allows time todiscover spouse Never ending

process

© IEF 5© IEF 5

Close “escape hatches”

Workaholism Preoccupation with

child Excessive television Extramarital affair

Divorce not an option

Close “escape hatches”

Workaholism Preoccupation with

child Excessive television Extramarital affair

Divorce not an option

Commitment = Investment in the Marriage

Commitment = Investment in the Marriage

© IEF 6© IEF 6

Embodies commitment

Maintains honesty Eases fears that

block intimacy

Embodies commitment

Maintains honesty Eases fears that

block intimacy

FidelityFidelity

© IEF 7© IEF 7

Love — Built on TrustLove — Built on Trust

Trust is built on virtue Fidelity Commitment

Trust is built on virtue Fidelity Commitment

© IEF 8© IEF 8

“ A marriage that commands loyalty…requires each partnerto relinquish self-centeredness.”

Judith S. Wallerstein, The Good Marriage

“ A marriage that commands loyalty…requires each partnerto relinquish self-centeredness.”

Judith S. Wallerstein, The Good Marriage

© IEF 9© IEF 9

True LoveTrue Love

True Love IsOther-Centered

True Love IsOther-Centered

© IEF 10© IEF 10

Love Requires InvestmentLove Requires Investment

Investment & InvolvementInvestment & Involvement

Bonding Power

Bonding Power

Sustains & revives

affection

Sustains & revives

affection

© IEF 11© IEF 11

Service Kind

gestures Praise and

appreciation

Service Kind

gestures Praise and

appreciation

DepositsDeposits

© IEF 12© IEF 12

Invest in the Marital “Bank Account”

Invest in the Marital “Bank Account”

Become friends Build

companionship Have fun

together

5 deposits for 1 withdrawal

Become friends Build

companionship Have fun

together

5 deposits for 1 withdrawal

© IEF 13© IEF 13

1. Criticism

2.Personal attacks

3.Defensiveness

4.Putting up walls

1. Criticism

2.Personal attacks

3.Defensiveness

4.Putting up walls

WithdrawalsWithdrawals

© IEF 14© IEF 14

Develop Listening SkillsDevelop Listening Skills

1. State1. State

2. Reflect2. Reflect

3. Affirm & clarify

3. Affirm & clarify

© IEF 15© IEF 15

Listening from Spouse’sPerspective — Effective

Listening from Spouse’sPerspective — Effective

With empathy To understand

With empathy To understand

© IEF 16© IEF 16

Common Areas of Marital Tension

Common Areas of Marital Tension

Sex In-Laws Finances Children

Sex In-Laws Finances Children

© IEF 17© IEF 17

Dealing with AngerDealing with Anger

Never usephysical violence

Allow time for cooling down

Get to the rootemotions — Hurt & fear

Never usephysical violence

Allow time for cooling down

Get to the rootemotions — Hurt & fear

© IEF 19© IEF 19

Resignation

Resignation

Renewed Commitmen

t

Renewed Commitmen

t

Separation

Separation

Choices During ConflictChoices During Conflict

© IEF 20© IEF 20

Marital PhasesMarital Phases

RomanceRomance

Conflict

Conflict

Recommitment & Cooperation

Recommitment & Cooperation

Creativity & Service

Creativity & Service

© IEF 21© IEF 21

Public ServiceStrengthens Marriage

Public ServiceStrengthens Marriage

Spouses support each other in service

Balance publicand family time

Spouses support each other in service

Balance publicand family time

© IEF 22© IEF 22

“ Love does not consist in gazing at each other but

in looking together in the same direction.” Antoine De Saint-Exupery

“ Love does not consist in gazing at each other but

in looking together in the same direction.” Antoine De Saint-Exupery

© IEF 23© IEF 23

Interdependent

Interdependent

Too independent

Too independent

Not too dependent

Not too dependent

Happiest Marriages Interdependent

Happiest Marriages Interdependent

© IEF 24© IEF 24

Marriage Can BeHealing and Restorative

Marriage Can BeHealing and Restorative

Resolvespsychological issues

Childhood scars

Family history

Resolvespsychological issues

Childhood scars

Family history

© IEF 25© IEF 25

Marriage Can BeTransformativeMarriage Can BeTransformative

Maturing experience of adult life Creative journey Expands heart and awareness

Maturing experience of adult life Creative journey Expands heart and awareness