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The Problem With Change Is Us

By Laurel A. Kashinn

Change is constant. From cellular degradation to the weather to our solar system hurtling through space at 70,000 kilometers per hour—nothing stays the same.

The problem is us and change. Do we fight or accept it? Can we create or steer it? How do we break bad habits, instill good ones, and find happiness and peace for our families?

Correct orientation is prerequisite. To cross oceans, sails must be oriented properly to catch the wind. To germinate, seeds must be planted in the right soil at the right depth with the right light, warmth, and rain. To return, Apollo 13 astronauts had to calculate position, speed and time their thrust and trajectory perfectly. We don’t want to set sail in a thunderstorm. We wouldn’t plant a vegetable garden in autumn.

A powerful orientation towards change is embodied in a famous prayer by Richard Niebuhr, proven to help lift lives out of the deepest, darkest pits of addiction and despair:

“God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change

the things I can, and the wisdom to know the

difference.”

HUMILITYCalling upon a higher power creates a

powerful orientation: humility. “I have three precious things to which I

hold fast and prize,” Lao Tzu said. “The first is gentleness; the second is frugality; the third is humility, which keeps me from putting myself before others. Be gentle and you can be bold; be frugal and you can be liberal; avoid putting yourself before others and you can become a leader among men.”

SERENITY to accept things I cannot change

Begin within to find serenity: be calm, peaceful and untroubled even when seeing something disturbing.

“If we work to correct ourselves and look more intently towards our ‘inner’ activity rather than our external, giving precedence to divine help,” Elder Paisios said, “we can in turn be of greater and more positive help to others. We will also achieve an inner serenity that will quietly help the souls of the people we come across because spiritual serenity reflects the virtue of the soul and transforms souls.”

ACCEPT what cannot be changedThe world tempts us to believe we have

control over many things which in truth we do not. It seems we can control other people, animals, children, nature, culture, or events outside ourselves. It seems strong people control weaker people. But in truth, almost all control is an illusion. What he have, Steven Covey said, is circles of influence. Most people waste energy on much bigger circles of concern.

Take the most helpless being imaginable: a baby. Ask the baby’s parents. Do mom or dad actually control when the baby sleeps or wakes? Do they control when she rolls over, smiles, pees in her diaper, or cries? Yes, they can affect her. But control is another matter.

In truth the only thing we have genuine control over is ourselves, our inner state of mind, what we think, say, and do. Our biggest hurdle: our habits dominate us.

“All our life so far as it has definite form,” William James said, “is but a mass of habits – practical, emotional, and

intellectual–systematically organized for our wealth or woe, and bearing us irresistibly toward our destiny, whatever the latter may be.”

In The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg explores the science of habit with hopeful conclusions. People can and The small habits make big differences.

In The Compound Effect, Darren Hardy describes three friends. One decides he’s happy as is and makes no changes. The second chooses to install a new flat-screen TV and bar in his home, and starts enjoying a cocktail and rich meal once a week. The third friend makes a small change, cutting 125 calories per day and walking after dinner. All were small changes, but after 31 months: Friend 1 stayed the same, friend 2 gained 30 pounds, friend 3 lost 30 pounds. Duhigg concludes there are thousands of formulas for changing habits, sharing a common strategy:

Cue --> Routine --> Reward (Repeat)

To change habits:1) Identify the routine. What happens

when? 2) Identify the true reward. You might salivate for a treat, but the real reward may be emotional or social. Alleviating loneliness? Distraction from painful thoughts? 3) Identify the cue: what triggers the routine? 4) Make a plan. What will you do differently? What will the new reward be? Then practice.

COURAGE to change what I canIn The Miracle Morning, Hal Elrod

breaks habit formation into three phases: the first 10 days are Unbearable, the second 10 days are Uncomfortable, the last 10 days are Unstoppable. Most give up during the Unbearable days. Courage is needed to change habits.

WISDOM to know the differenceWISDOM is the final key to enjoying

continual changes in life. May there be wisdom in abundance!

∆Laurel A. Kashinn is a certified ghostwriter. resume ghostwriter and public speaker who helps people navigate change in their lives through the written word. She can be found at www.WriteStuffResources.com.