You Can’t Do It All: How to Be Kind to Yourself

By Cassandra Van Dyck

“Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in”

- Leonard Cohen

When you become a caregiver, you may find that some

of the things in your life that used to come easily may

now be harder. You might have less time to cook the

kind of meals you want to eat or to get to exercise clas-

ses as often as you used to. There’s a good chance that

you will struggle to make it to as many social events or

spend as much time on your hobbies. You could be for-

getful and miss an appointment or not notice when

something is amiss with your care partner. It can be

tempting to be hard on yourself for the way your life-

style is changing or mistakes that you might make. You

might feel that even though you now have the responsi-

bility of caring for a loved one, you should also be able

to do everything you used to do just as well as before.

Taking pride and care in the way you spend your time is

a positive thing! It shows that you value yourself and

that you care about other people enough to make an

effort. The trouble occurs when you feel pressure to be

at the top of your game all the time. Perfection simply

does not exist, and striving for it can cause an inordinate

amount of stress.

Consider this your invitation to take a load off.

Take a deep breath, shake out your hands, relax in to

your seat. Try to let go of the pressure to do things to

the best of your abilities all the time for just a minute,

and consider this: a caregiving journey is never an easy

one and it’s impossible to do things perfectly. There will

be days when you feel you ticked all the boxes on your

to-do list and there will be days when you wonder why

you even try to write one. There will be conversations

where you feel you said exactly what you wanted to and

appointments where you wonder if you spoke up when

you should have. You are worried and feel pressured

because you care.

When you feel that you are not living up to the expecta-

tions you have of yourself, it can be hard to know how

to turn off the nagging voice that’s telling you you’re

Tools for a Healthy Summer July/August 2017

A publication by NSCR’s

Caregiver Support Program

renew strength , gain knowledge

The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine

July/August 2017 Page 2

not doing all you could be as well as you want to.

If you’re battling this feeling, consider trying

these visualizations and writing exercises to calm

your mind and give yourself a much needed

break.

Visualization

Settle in to a warm bath, find a quiet, cool spot

under a tree on a summer’s day, or get cozy in

bed. Take a deep breath in and out, and thank

yourself for taking the time to do this exercise.

Picture yourself walking home with from the gro-

cery store while carrying heavy bags. The handles

are pulling at the skin on your fingers and your

shoulders are aching from the weight. It’s a hot

day and your shirt is clinging to your back. Now

stop for a minute and put your bags down. Shake

out your hands, air out your shirt and take a long

sip of water from the bottle you are carrying.

How do you feel? Chances are, you feel ener-

gized and ready to tackle the final stretch home.

Maybe you’re realizing that it would be better to

call a friend for a ride or wait at a bus stop.

Parallel this visualization to your caregiving jour-

ney and ask yourself: what do I need most right

now? A break, someone to talk to, or a helping

hand? Doing a mental inventory of where you’re

at can help relieve pressure and take action.

Writing Exercise

Set aside half an hour and find an inspiring place

in your home, outside in a park, or in your fa-

vourite coffee shop and get out a pen and paper.

Read the instructions, and then set a timer for 10

minutes and write without stopping.

Think of someone you love dearly and picture

them in the same situation you are in. What

would you say to them if they said they were

struggling to do everything as well as they want-

ed to? Would you encourage them to work hard-

er, or would you tell them to be easier on them-

selves and remind them of all the good they’re

doing? Write a letter to a friend who is going

through exactly the same thing you are. What

would you tell them?

How did that feel? Treating ourselves with the

same love and care we’d treat someone else

with is a helpful way to get some perspective.

Our expectations of self are usually far greater

than what we expect from others.

Remember that asking for help when you need it

is a powerful way of taking care of yourself, and

that there are many ways to do so. Asking for

help could look like reaching out to people for

tangible things like assistance with grocery shop-

ping and meal cooking, or helping your loved one

get to their appointments. You might want to

consider looking in to short term respite options

to give yourself a break or allow yourself to get

some other things done. Asking for help might

look like booking a session with a counselor or a

massage therapist, or finally making it to one of

the caregiver network groups you’ve heard so

much about! If you’re unsure of what you need

to ease some of the stress, make sure you reach

out to someone to work through your thoughts

and alleviate the pressure.

The caregiving journey has many twists and

turns, and they won’t all be the right ones. Re-

member to give yourself the same care and un-

derstanding that you give to your loved one, and

to find support when you need it by reaching out

to a close friend, a professional, or a faith-based

organization.

The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 3

July 2017 Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat

1

2 3 4 5 6 Network

Group 7-9PM

7 8

9 10 Walk & Talk

1:30PM-

3:00PM

11 12 Network

Group

10:30AM -

12:30PM

13 14 15

16 17 18 19 20 21 22

23 24 Walk & Talk

1:30AM—

3:00PM

25 26 27 28 29

30 31

Network Groups

Thursday, July 6th & August 3rd, 7-9PM

Wednesday, July 12th & August 9th, 10:30AM-

12:30PM

*In July and August, our evening Network Groups will

meet at Heywood Park. Daytime groups will meet in

Room 203 in Capilano Mall.*

Take some time for yourself

Connect with others who understand your experiences

Learn relaxation strategies to use at home

Persian Caregiver Group

No groups in July/August. See you in September!

Walk and Talk

Monday, July 4th & 24th, August 14th & 28th, 1:30PM

-3:00PM

Join us for the company, fresh air, and some gentle

exercise. We walk at a pace that is comfortable for

everyone. We meet in front of the washrooms at John

Lawson Park rain or shine!

“On this so called ride

When things get heavy just put

your bags down

The train is always on time

The trick is to be ready

To put your bags down”

- Adam Cohen

July/August 2017 Page 4

For registration and information on all sessions, contact Karyn by email at

karyn.davies@nscr.bc.ca or by phone at 604-982-3320.

Wellness Corner

Incontinence Care

According to Vancouver Coastal Health, 45% of people suffering from incontinence never mention it to

their doctor. Studies show that incontinence is one of the leading factors in a senior’s move from home to

a care facility. Incontinence can be physically and psychologically challenging, for the person suffering and

for their caregiver. It often goes unmentioned at doctor’s appointments due to embarrassment and

shame. There is hope—incontinence can often be cured or managed. If your loved one is struggling with

bowel or urinary incontinence, the following tips may help you on your caregiving journey.

Look at Diet and Lifestyle

Diet and Lifestyle can have big impacts on your loved one’s ability to control urination and bowel move-

ments. Investigating the various factors and making changes where needed may help your situation.

Ensure your loved one is drinking plenty of water.

Encourage your loved one to avoid caffeine, alcohol and artificial sweeteners.

Include fiber and fluid to keep bowel movements regular.

Look at environmental factors: Can your loved one make it to the bathroom quickly and safely?

Learn About and Use Incontinence Products

These days there are many incontinence products on the market that are not as burdensome as you might

think! Talk to your doctor or a pharmacist for more information.

Choose products according to physical functionality and incontinence severity.

Learn about the different products for men and women. They can include: protection such as

shields and liners for chairs and beds, and personal wear, such adult briefs, undergarments, protec-

tive underwear, pads and catheters.

Look for products with re-sealable fasteners.

Quality over quantity. More money up front will mean less down the road, especially if a superior

product means your loved one is more comfortable.

If your loved one is struggling with incontinence, talk to your family doctor and look in to VCH’s Conti-

nence Promotion and Management Program. For more information, call 604-267-2697.

Sources: Vancouver Coastal Health, National Association for Continence

The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 5

Difficult Conversations: When it’s Time to Ask

for Help

By Cassandra Van Dyck

It goes without saying that although you may be able

to meet many of your care partner’s needs, you cannot

(nor should you be able to) meet all of them. No one

person can provide all the emotional and physical sup-

port that someone needs, especially if they’re strug-

gling with an illness or disability. Despite knowing this,

your loved one may depend on you for more than you

can give. You may have settled into a good routine with

your care partner and their health care team and then

encounter a new challenge that you are not capable of

handling. At some point in your caregiving journey, you

will find that you cannot provide the type of care that

your loved one needs. This will be the time that you

will need to talk to your care partner about connecting

with another professional, and it may be a difficult con-

versation. Although you might need support and help

to care for your loved one, your care partner might be

resistant. They know and trust you and maybe some

other doctors or health care professionals, but they

don’t know the new people that are being recom-

mended and might not want to meet them. Being

cared for requires a level of vulnerability that can be

harder for some more than others, for various reasons.

If you’ve tried to talk to your loved one about getting

extra help and they’ve resisted, or you know that you

need to speak with them soon and you’re concerned

with how they’re going to react, the following tips

might help you to navigate a tricky topic.

Introduce the topic mindfully.

When you’re nervous about having a difficult conversa-

tion with someone, you might go over the many ways

you think the talk might go before having it. Preparing

for a conversation can help you anticipate questions

and prepare answers, but it can also cause a lot of fear

if you think the person you’re talking to might react

poorly. Try to be open to their reactions to prevent de-

fensiveness. Although you’ll never find a perfect mo-

ment to bring up something that’s hard to talk about,

aim for a good one. You might know that your loved

one is the calmest after eating or shortly after they’ve

woken up. Make sure you leave enough time for a

lengthy conversation and avoid bringing up tough top-

ics if you have to go somewhere else quickly or if

someone else will be visiting.

Be calm and direct.

Though it doesn’t have to be perfect, and there’s a

good chance that it won’t be, try to broach the topic

calmly and directly. One of the most common mistakes

people make when starting a tough conversation is to

avoid the topic. This can be confusing for the other

person and may cause them to be more upset.

“I’ve noticed lately that you are limping when you’re

walking. I’ve done some research and I think a physio-

therapist might be able to help. How would you feel

about seeing one?”

“It seems like you’re having trouble cooking meals. I’ve

looked in to it and found some volunteer services that

can provide meals and help with grocery shopping.

What do you think about that option?”

“The past few weeks your mood has seemed very low.

I know it can be hard to open up to a new person, but

talking to a counsellor might be helpful. I’d be happy to

go with you to meet someone. How do you feel about

it?”

Practice Active Listening.

July/August 2017 Page 6

Now that you’ve started the conversation, you’ll want

to be remain open to your loved one’s reaction. This is

probably the part of the conversation that you’ve

been dreading, since you might think they’ll react neg-

atively. Although this is the scary part, it’s also the

time when you have the most control over how the

rest of the discussion will go. If your loved one says

“no” to your suggestion or acts hurt or offended that

you’d suggest bringing another professional in to their

circle of care, your instinct might be to react strongly.

You might be worried that their refusal to accept as-

sistance will increase the pressure on you or make

their situation worse. This might make you angry or

want to shut down, but those reactions will not help.

Practicing active listening increases mutual under-

standing. You can practice active listening by using

open body language, giving your loved one the time to

fully express themselves, and by using empathy to re-

flect their feelings back to them. This will help you to

understand where they’re coming from and alleviate

some of their fears, and it will help your loved one

know that you care about how they feel.

Here’s an example:

Sadaf has told her mother that she’s noticed her mood

has been low lately and has suggested talking to their

family doctor about connecting her with a counsellor

for some extra support. She has asked how her moth-

er would feel about it.

Sadaf’s mother responds, “I’m fine and I don’t need to

talk to anyone. I won’t bother you with my problems

anymore.”

Sadaf feels frustrated by this response and wants to

walk away, but remembers to use active listening.

“It sounds like you’re really hesitant about talking to

someone else about how you’ve been feeling. I know

you’re not fine because of what you’ve been telling

me. What about talking to someone else worries

you?”

This question and reflection opens up the conversa-

tion for Sadaf’s mother to talk about her concerns and

for Sadaf to respond with empathy and answer any

questions she might have.

Do Your Research.

If you spend time researching options for your loved

one before talking to them, you will have more

knowledge to answer their questions which may help

them adjust to the idea of talking to someone new. Do

remember that you don’t have to have all the an-

swers! If your loved one asks a question you don’t

have the answer to, offer to look in to it with them.

You can say, “I don’t have the answers yet, but I’d love

to sit down with you and explore the options togeth-

er.”

Let them know they’re not alone.

Sometimes one of the scariest things about accepting

help is the possibility that existing supports will disap-

pear. You can help to ease your care partner’s fears by

reassuring them that you are not going anywhere. You

could try saying, “It can be scary to accept help from

new people. Please know that I care about you and

want to be able to help you in the best way I can. I

think involving this person could help me to be the

best support person possible.”

Go with them to meet the new care provider. Debrief

afterwards.

Having you with them when they meet their new care

provider might help ease some of the stress of involv-

ing a new person in their care. You might be able to

support your care partner by asking questions and re-

flecting back what you’re hearing from the care pro-

vider in a way that your loved one will understand.

After the appointment, check in with your loved one

to see how they’re feeling. “How was that for you?

What did you think?” Practice active listening to ex-

plore where they’re at.

3 Tips for Caregivers:

Debrief with a trusted friend or therapist.

Look at what support you need.

Appreciate your best efforts.

The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 7

Gratitude Corner

The Gratitude List

Handwriting a list of the things we are grateful for can alter our

moods and outlook on life in a profound way. Take some time

to find what works for you. Some keep a growing list in the

notes on their phone, others keep a handwritten notebook.

Allowing yourself to write as many things that you’re grateful

for as possible when you’re in the throes of stress can shake

you out of a bad mood, and taking the time every day to build

your list can help to reprogram your brain to focus on the posi-

tive instead of the difficult stuff. You might find that creating a

ritual around writing your gratitude list is helpful! Make a cup

of tea, open a beautiful journal and start scribbling before you

leave your house in the morning or make it the last thing you

do before you close your eyes at night.

August 2017 Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat

1 2 3 Network

Group 7-9PM

4 5

6 7 8 9 Network

Group

10:30AM-

12:30PM

10 11 12

13 14 Walk & Talk

1:30PM—

3:00PM

15 16 17 18 19

20 21 22 23 24 25 26

27 28 Walk & Talk

1:30PM—

3:00PM

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July/August 2017 Page 8

NSCR

Caregiver Support Program

201-935 Marine Drive North Vancouver, BC

V7P 1S3

We publish this bi-monthly

newsletter on topics related to

self-care and the caregiving role.

You can support the work we do by

joining NSCR’s

Caring Community,

our donor program.

Thank you to everyone who has made a donation.

Contact Nancy Hollstedt to make a

charitable donation:

Telephone: 604.982.3311

Email: nancy.hollstedt@nscr.bc.ca

CRA#11906 1273 RR0001

Caregiver Poem

i hide

by Mary Jane Nordgren, via Today’s Caregiver Magazine

hide

at first in guilt

taking something for myself

when his needs were

so much greater

i tremble

watching him stumble

seeing his frustration

hearing his fear

at each new loss of self

i ache

wanting to help

wanting to be more

for him

for me

i pray

for him to accept

the humiliation

the dying of each part

of himself

i weep

guilty of frustration

of lashing out, drained

unable to heal him

or me

i hide

to sleep through the night

to peer at the ocean

to listen to the wind’s song

to re-know joy