Tools for Building Sustainable, Healthy Relationships

“I” – Who am I? What do I need? What can I ask for? How am I responsible? How should I respond? What are my patterns?

“We” - How do we stay connected? How do we challenge one another? How do we disagree?

“Larger Vision” – How do we reconcile our differences to serve a larger vision?

Speaking◦ We will speak for ourselves and not for others

the “Truth”◦ We will speak only of our own experience◦ We will try to speak as factually as possible

in Love◦ We will speak honestly, with respect, and listen to

understand

“I” statements Speak for yourself not for others Avoid judgments and conclusions about

others Speak from your own experience Tell your own truth

◦ Good triangles: distribute anxiety; natural phenomena

◦ Bad triangles: try to make someone else responsible who cannot fix it “secrets” Patterns of “stuckness” Not about the person but the system

◦ Awareness of self Patterns of communication What is “mine” and what is “theirs” “Connected” as opposed to “merged” Only one I can change is myself

Avoidance - deciding not to engage in conflict

Compromise - trying to find a middle position where all parties give a little to gain

Collaboration - trying to find a solution where the needs of all parties are completely met

Competition - conflict is seen as a win-lose situation and the will to win dominates

Accommodation - appeasing the other side

“Climbing the Ladder”

A Conclusion

An Assumption

A Speculation

A Hunch

Observable Facts

Interests are the needs, desires, concerns and fears behind our positions

A position is a decision you have made, an interest is what motivates or causes your decision

Interests allow for connection; Positions polarize

Listen to understand, not to think about what you should say next

Listening to understand does not demand agreement

Concentrate on the other person’s thoughts and feelings, not your own.

Listen 200%: focus attention to the words behind the words

Be attentive to unconscious discounting behaviors

Validate the feelings you have heard (again, not the same as agreement)

Clarify your understanding Walk them “down the ladder” Restate what you have heard (including

feelings) Do not judge or evaluate (yet!)

Respond to others creatively rather than critically◦ Seek to affirm the merit before noting the

weakness◦ Share positive reactions before jumping to

concerns, questions, or criticisms◦ Ask clarifying questions

Have your emotions, don’t be had by them◦ Try to understand why you are reacting the way

you are◦ Take responsibility for your own emotions◦ Express your feelings as your own, and request a

concrete action

An anxious, “emotional” response is:◦ Instinctive◦ Habitual ◦ Defensive or ◦ Without premeditation (automatic)

This does not include your feelings of love, anger, fear, frustration, sadness, etc.

Lowering Anxiety◦Monitor your own functioning / emotions◦Create opportunities to listen◦Create time and space ◦Give clear choices

The Curle DiagramRelations

Static Unstable Dynamic

Unpeaceful Stable

Balanced

Un-Balanced

POWER

SustainablePeace

Cut-offs

Negotiation

ConfrontationLatent Conflict

Overt Conflict

Awareness of Conflict

Low High

What Doesn’t Work◦ “Confidential” surveys or questionnaires◦ Large public “congregational” meetings◦ A “hearing”

Dialogue not Debate Facilitated by trained facilitators Designed to surface issues Solutions must come after Builds community

Begin with Covenant Confidentiality Transparency of raised issues No “cross-talk” No interruptions Questions that are evocative, not predictive Responses are paraphrased

Generates energy and motivation to explore Stimulates reflective thinking Challenges or alters assumptions Evokes more questions

From “The Art of Powerful Questions” by Eric E. Vogt et al

What’s your opinion about whether we should do “Candles of Joy and Concern”

What’s your opinion about whether we should do “Candles of Joy and Concern”

Compared to:How might our worship provide opportunities

for community building connections.

What is in the best interest of the congregation and its mission?

What do I want? How is that different from what I really

need?