Preparedness Chart

www.RagnarokTraining.com

Hey, Its me, Mar-i-o-what the?

. . . Where am I, and who are all these scary people? 

• This Italian Meatball made the biggest mistake of his life when he crawled into the wrong pipe and warped into the Boa Constrictor obstacle at the Tough Mudder. The people in this strange land proved much more intimidating than turtles and mushrooms, and obstacles like the Berlin Walls were impossible without his friend Luigi there to boost him over it. So, without a Princess at the finish line to motivate his pasta-filled behind to run the course, he did the only thing he knew how...he went to work on the Port-A-Johns with his trusty plunger, ensuring Mudders everywhere relief when they needed it.

• If you are the kind of person who signed up for the race without truly knowing what it was; without watching the videos, seeing the pictures, or understanding that the death waiver was for real. . . Than instead of bringing a plunger to the race, I suggest you bring a paddle. You are going to need it when you find yourself up sh*t creek. . .

Train, OMG, WTF?Have you seen us?

We are young, sparkle like diamonds, and sh*t roses.

BTW, where is the valet?

• The Cullen family, the vampire family of every middle school girls favorite series, Twilight, decided to tackle the Tough Mudder as a team. However, they did not waste their time training because they have super strength and speed, can fly, and well, come on, they are 18 years old. . .forever. Instead they spent their time ordering their team uniforms from Express. Unfortunately, when they arrived to the event they realized they would have to interact with other people who are not as beautiful as them, and maybe even touch some of them, ugh. Therefore they decided instead to visit the ski lodge and give each other manis and pedis until the after party kicks off.

• If you think because you can play full court basketball or run a 5 minute mile that you are ready for the Tough Mudder, you might as well show up with a uniform from Express as well. Do not worry about getting it dirty, you won't make it very far. . . No matter how great you think you are, you have work to do. Unless you are specifically training for the Tough Mudder, you might as well be training to give backrubs. At least then you'll be useful and productive on Race Day. . .

By Thundara, I'll climb my way to the top of that mountain.

ThunderCats Hooooo-ly Sh*t is that water cold!

• The feline equivalent of Heman, Lion-O, who has Sight Beyond Sight and a built in grappling hook is the only ThunderCat worthy enough of tackling a Tough Mudder. With his nimble, cat-like prowess, he is able to quickly leap through the course with ease. However, he is ultimately undone when he is forced to Walk the Plank and dive into 37 degree water. A cat in water is akin to a fish out of water, and has no hope of sustained survival. With icy wet fur, and tail held between his legs, he takes an early retreat to the beer tent to get his wounds licked by Cheetara.

• Even if you are the real-life equivalent to Heman, if you don't train specifically for the Tough Mudder, you'll find yourself quickly descending the mountain to work on your Spectating-Abilities. In addition to strength, power, speed, agility, balance, and endurance, you will also have to build your general mental toughness as well as your cold tolerance. In the Tough Mudder, in order to get your feet wet, you first have to break the ice. . .

Killing is as easy as breathing.

Of course, at this altitude, breathing....isn't...that...easy....

An Army of One, John Rambo is the only man who could take on a Russian Warship with a bow and arrow, and complain about how the odds are unfair...in his favor. Armed with a survival knife, a bandana, and a seemingly endless supply of bullets, no army on Earth has a hope against him. The problem is that Tough Mudder rules specifically state "No Ammo Allowed." So after running through half the course in record time, when he pauses at the rest station and pulls out his M60 to shoot the shifty Russian water boy who appears to be reaching for a gun under the table, he simply loses his mind when nothing happens. In Rambos world a gun without bullets is like dividing by zero.

Whether you have been through Basic Training, Seal Camp, or just seen every Man Vs. Wild episode ever made, if you are going to be a Tough Mudder, you have to be ready for the unexpected. Do not expect a barbell and a treadmill to prepare you for the chaos that is sure to ensue on Mount Snow. The ability to circumvent uneven terrain, utilize your strength in unstable positions, and just plain adapt are core values you need to have. Team trainings are Sunday, and they are held in the WILDerness for a reason. There is no wild in Planet Fitness. . .

Hulk Smash!

Hulk Run? ...No Hulk Smash!

Hulk Climb?....No, Hulk Smash!

Not many men can say that they are as wide as they are tall, but then again The Incredible Hulk is no man. He is a mountain of wrought-iron a living mass of impenetrable steel muscle and sinew with unfathomable power only surpassed by pure unbridled rage. However, the very mass that makes this monster an unstoppable killing machine becomes his handicap when confronted with the Tough Mudder. After pulling down cargo nets, charging through ice walls, and flossing his teeth with live wires, Hulk just gives up 3/4 of the way through the course, bellowing, Hulk not happy here. . . Hulk more an anaerobic athlete.

If you have started a conversation out with- So, how much do you bench? in the last month, you may not be the kind of person who is ready for a Tough Mudder. Strength and power may be requirements for the Tough Mudder, but so are agility and endurance. You need to run, you need to do it for long periods of time, and you need to do it repeatedly. And if running from a fire or toward an ice cream truck is what you consider essential cardio, I hope you are strong enough to carry the oxygen tank that you are going to need on race day. . .

Listen, Bitch,I killed your mother and your 83 siblings,

Now it is your turn.

Oooh, that is a funny feeling.I think I have indigestion. . .

It is no fluke that Ellen Ripley is the only woman on the list. There were others, but after inviting them all to a dinner of woodchips and gasoline, she introduced them, one by one, to the business end of a flamethrower. But, while this woman is badass enough to assert her female dominance over Space Marines, Aliens, and everything else in-between, she fails to assert similar dominance over the Tough Mudder. After making it through almost the entire course, she does not have the strength left to climb the Glacier. Apparently the weight of the alien she's been harboring across both International and Galactic boarders was just too much to bear, and made her feel like her chest was going to explode.

Whether you are male or female, or any mixture of the two, you are not half the woman that Ellen Ripley is. And while your miles times might be down and the fact that you can prance around in the field for hours like a Show Pony may count as bragging rights in I-dont-give-a-Rats-Ass-Ville, they do not count for squat here, Cupcake. You need the power to propel yourself up and over quite a few practically unscalable objects. Olympic and Power lifts are your friend. Learn them, love them, master them. And if your workouts do not have any of them, then on Race Day you will not have to worry about your mile times, because you are going to be waiting at each obstacle for some big, ripe smelling Sasquatch to carry your dainty little behind over the obstacle, in their armpit. Enjoy. . .

Crom, grant me the power to crush my enemies,

see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of their women.

. . .and if you won't, then to HELL with you!

While the name Barbarian tells you a lot about this Cimmerian, the name Destroyer just about says it all. He is an unforgiving, unwavering, unstoppable force who believes that anything that needs to be said comes across with more meaning if it is not said at all. Born of war and forged from pain, he is able to slay false gods and lay waste to entire armies; he is, by definition, the worlds original Tough Mudder. So naturally, when Race Day comes, Conan decimates both the course and half the competition on his way to the finish line. However, he doesn't win the race, because he wasn't racing. This was just what he does in the morning, on par with what you would call breakfast.

Unless you spent your childhood pushing a millstone, your teen years dominating pit-fights, and your early adult-hood training to destroy nations, you are not on par with Conan, and you can not expect to just cut a path through the course like a hot knife through Mudder. The Individual Workout is your starting point. Ensure you devote one day per week using the Individual Workout to prepare yourself for the trials that await you. However, if all you ever do is the Individual Workout, and you never make it to the Team Trainings, then you may find yourself making it to the finish line of the Tough Mudder. . .but only as splatter of blood on Conan's loincloth.

The Tough Mudder is only called the "Tough Mudder" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.

You disagree?

...I didn't think so.

Chuck Norris didn't enter the Tough Mudder, the Tough Mudder was created in his beard. So if you just thought you were racing for fun, you're dead wrong; you're racing for Survival. Chuck Norris hates weakness, so if you fail to finish the course, you won't have Hell to pay, you'll have Chuck Norris to pay, and he doesn't make change, ever.

I don't care who you are and how much you train, you'll never be as tough as one hair on Chuck Norris' illustrious beard. So instead of wasting your time telling you lies about how you could ever be like Chuck Norris, I'm going to make better use of your time by exalting him:

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Unfortunately Chuck Norris is incapable of crying. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake. After three days of pain and agony, the rattlesnake

died. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than

the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane". Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left

and right legs. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter. Some magicians can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses

Chuck Norris and lives. If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies, just check the extinct species list. Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is

called logic.

There can be no light without darkness, no good without evil, no God without....Me.

...Be seeing you sooner....or later.

• This is the original BadBoy himself, the Dark Being who literally coined the term It is better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. Call him what you want to: Satan, Beelzebub, Abbadon, Baphomet, Mephistopheles, Devil, Diabolous, Serpent, Dragon, Beast, AntiChrist, Devourer. . .it doesn't matter what you call him, as long as you are prepared to pay the consequences when he answers. The Prince of Darkness does not take lightly to being bothered, and would much prefer to rip your very soul from its fleshy casing rather than give you the time of day. To this Fallen Angel the Tough Mudder course is like a Tempurpedic bed: fire, ice, pain, suffering, torment. . .yum, yum, give me sum. When news of the race reached him, the Father of Lies tore a hole in the Earth, clawed his way out of his depraved palace, and proceeded to hoof it through the course, belching fire and laughter the whole way, and found himself at the finish line ahead of all. . . save one.

• Not wanting to follow anyone's rules but those written by his own twisted hand, Lucifer had the audacity to lead a rebellion against the Creator himself. So if you think that your cojones are as big as that, and that you can show up to the Tough Mudder with just the team trainings under your belt, then you are as lost as the Great Deceiver is. You need to endure the fire and brimstone, the grueling hardship, the self-torment that is the Practice Mudders. They are your savior; your only hope of cresting the top of the mountain ahead of the pack OR. . .you could just sell your soul, I know of a buyer. . .

There are few things on Heaven or EarthThat can equal

. . .The might of Thor!

I am not the god of Pity and Forgiveness.I am the god of Thunder and Lightning!

• Wielder of Mjolnir, god of Thunder, this is the Big Nasty Bastard that created fear in the dark places of your soul and made you hide under your bed every time there was a thunderstorm when you were small. With the war-might of 10,000 armies and the attitude to match, his good side is the only side that you want to be on if you want to exist. Immortal in being, indomitable in will, he has no fear, no failing, and no rival. His entrance in the Tough Mudder was just as his finish: Immediate and Absolute. Even the Devil himself was forced to concede and bow-down to yet another god, after crossing the finish line in second place, seemingly centuries behind the Mighty Thor Odinson.

• While you can never hope to be Immortal, or sit by the right hand of Odin, you have the ability to become something so powerful that even Hell itself trembles when it hears your name. Greatness is not born it is forged from molten steel in the heat of a thousand suns. To become the unconquerable pillar of hope; the brilliant beacon of light in the bleakest darkness, you have to be willing to undergo that transformation. If you want to survive Ragnarok you're going to have to create your own supernova with which to temper your body in. You are going to have to twist and tear at the very essence of your soul until it snaps and shatters, and then is forged anew into a monolithic pillar of light; an unrivaled, invincible mass of pure determination and fortitude. Are you prepared to pay that price; do you have a noble answer to the question, What are you training for?

• If you have grinded through the Individual Trainings, attended the Team Trainings, and survived the Practice Mudders, then you have earned the right to wear the Hammer on your chest. And Whomever possesses this hammer, be he worthy. . .shall have the power of Thor.

Chuck Norris is so God-D@mmed Bad-@ss,that his Raw Awesomeness couldn’t be contained on one slide.

It spilled out into the Notes Section, and is slowly overtaking the entire presentation as you read this…

• Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

• • Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris showed the bear his fist and

the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

• I had an idea once and a light bulb appeared above my head. Chuck Norris had an idea once, and the sun was created.

• A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris shoe. Chuck Norris replied, Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris! The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFKs head exploded out of sheer amazement.

• In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

• When Chuck Norris was circumcised at birth, the doctor slipped and cut off one of Chuck Norris testicles. In a rage, Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked both the doctor and his own testicle into space. If you look closely you can still see Chuck Norris Testicle floating in space. You may be familiar with it by its technical term: Jupiter.