untitled: an alabama story

8/12/2019 Untitled: An Alabama Story

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/untitled-an-alabama-story 1/18

Justin Lutz

February 18, 2009

Art of Memoir

Final Draft

Untitled

A three!oint turn "an ta#e you a lot of !la"es$ %he "ustom airbrushed ta& on

Mama's 2000 "andy a!!le red Mustan& &littered in the streetli&hts( it read )Lil' *ot,) the

alias +hi"h "orrelated +ith the "ursie, rose+ra!!ed tattooed on her u!!er titty$ Lil' *ot

-the hemis!here of my mother's brain that be&&ed to be red and hot, to sound li#e

fire"ra"#ers, to be youn& and fast .a&ain/$ %omorro+ is my drier's test$ 'e been +aitin&

for this, sittin& throu&h hours of man&led fa"es starin& at me from the teleision( should

hae made that turn a little shar!er, hambur&er fa"e$ Driin& throu&h the nei&hborhoods,

!u!!eteerin& Lil' *ot around the "uldesa"s, Mama +as my "o!ilot in this suburban

!layland of bri"# houses and forei&n ta bra"#ets$ e made use of the !aed roads and

Mama mi&ht hae smiled +hen handled the "ures 3ust as she #ne+ "ould$ A smile,

but not the #ind of smile that blooms and e!lodes from her throat, the #ind that "auses

her to du"# behind her hands and her fresh nails to hide the "ra"#ed, butters"ot"h fault

lines +here teeth meet &um at their !erimeters$ 4ot that #ind of smile$

5oa"h 6ierson made me !ull oer at the 5heron so that he "ould buy !eanuts to

!our into his 5o#e$ *e referred to me only as his )!laya from tha *imalayas,) and

bet+een his sli"# 3erry "url and his &os!el albums, !erformed a distra"ted but fla+less

three!ointer and soon enou&h had 56's !assin& &rade$ 5ome Au&ust, 'll be li"ensed$

had sto!!ed ridin& the bus by so!homore year, Daddy !i"#ed me u! from s"hool

in his &reen '98 Ford 7an&er !i"#u! sho+"asin& a man&led dent the size of a fifth &rader



on the drier's side "ab-a !rodu"t of Mama's !ristine de!th !er"e!tion and the 6

"ar+ash$ ho!!ed into the !assen&er side and Daddy !ulled off,

)Mama's +ent to 3ail$)

) !assed my drier's test$)

Daddy sat on the ed&e of the bed +ith his tendollar readin& &lasses that he

insisted be used anytime he had to read absolutely anythin&-as if someho+ his ision

.not his fifth &rade edu"ation/ +as the "ause of the !ier"in& silen"e that lin&ers in

bet+een the "hara"ters he sounds out loud to himself$ *e brou&ht out a !en and een a

noteboo#-this is ho+ #ne+ he +as serious-serious in the manner that a nine yearold

is serious about hain& his +ay-sure of a !lan, +illin& to s!it on it$

%he !en and !a!er +ere thrust u!on me, of "ourse$

)Listen, Just$ %his is +hat +e need to &et strai&ht$ rite somethin& do+n for

Daddy, +ill you 6retty !lease

:n !a!er that should hae been &ra!h !a!er "onstru"ted three "olumns$ A

"olumn for )bills), a "olumn for )in"ome), and a "olumn for )!res"ri!tions)-in"ome and

!res"ri!tions bein& synonymous$ ;ana bars and dollar bills loo# the same to a lot of

!eo!le around here$

)<ee, Just$ e &et my disability "he"#, so that's bout nine hunnerd a month, and

then 'ma try to &et Jordan's "he"# started$ ut, see, loo# here$ f "an sell Lil' Man some

of those !ain#illers, +e'll brin& in another t+o hunnerd a month$ And that ain't bad$)

sat there, a fifteen yearold finan"ial analyst, "ertainly the "losest thin& to it in

this trailer, and ima&ined the thin&s mi&ht do +ith this s!ell, this re"i!e for turnin&

methadone into le&al tender, !ain#illers into !rofit$



After my &ra!h +as finished and had led my father to a finan"ial erdi"t that did

not in"lude the shufflin& of !res"ri!tion medi"ines, sat some hambur&er meat in the sin#

to tha+ and returned to !lay-!lay bein& a 2001 =ate+ay 65 +ith a tele!hone line stu"#

in its s!ine that traeled +ith the !o+er lines all oer, all oer, any+here$

%he tet messa&e read, )%5 %:5 %5 %:5$) "losed the !hone and &azed out

the +indo+$ <omeone +ants me$ t's for "ertain, and hae eerythin& to !roe it> the e

mails, the instant messa&es, the tet messa&es-the !hone "alls$

'm fifteen, 'm "a!able$ *e's thirtythree, he's "a!able$ o!ened the !hone and my

fin&ers !ounded a+ay at the #eys$ )5all me +hen you're half+ay here$) t seemed li#e it

mi&ht be a lon& drie from 4orth 5arolina to Alabama$ %o the to! of the hill +here he

+ould find me$ %he same hill +here Un"le 7ay's fiber&lass sho! used to be before

Jonathan and , in one of our first failed boyish entures into altruism, burned it to the

&round in the se"ond &rade +hile attem!tin& to burn the &arba&e, a ritual +e had

+itnessed my father !ra"ti"e hundreds of times before aste Mana&ement finally made

their +ay u! the hill $ t's four AM and he "alls$ 3um! out of slee! and &rab the !hone$

)*ey, +hat's u!)

)*ey, 'm in =eor&ia, about half+ay there$)

):h, &ood$)

)?ou e"ited)

)'m 3ust slee!y$)

):#ay then 'll "all you +hen &et to Monteallo$)

)M#ay, tal# to you later$



)ye babe,) he finished$

thre+ the !hone to the &round beside me and buried my head into the !illo+$

a+o#e t+o hours later, at the "ra"# of da+n$ 6ani"#in& hen the !hone ran& a&ain, my

heart 3um!ed$

)*ello)

)*ey, 'm driin& do+n *i&h+ay 2@, see a 6i&&ly i&&ly and a <hell <tation$)

6i&&ly i&&ly$ f you +aited a +ee# !ast the sellby date you "ould &et the

"hi"#en or !or# "ho!s halfoff$ And the <hell <tation$ %hat's +here mama +or#ed for

seen years until she transferred to <nea#y 6ete's *otdo&s in Alabaster$ At the end of her

shift she +ould al+ays brin& home the leftoer deli"a"ies> beef !atties, "hi"#en fin&ers,

fren"h fries, "hili, and hot do&s$ *alf +ent to feed the do&s$ %he other half for the family$

)=ood$ ell, you hae the dire"tions, so you #no+ ho+ to &et here$

?ou're only a "ou!le miles a+ay$ 5all me +hen you !ull u!,) instru"ted$ "losed the

!hone and stood still for a moment to thin#$ s"ribbled Daddy a note #ne+ he +ould

find +hen he and Jordan +o#e u!,

)Daddy, &one to Leah's$ e ba"# toni&ht or tomorro+$ Loe you$ Justin$)

"ould feel he ibration of the "ar in the drie+ay, resonatin& throu&h the tin bones of the

trailer$ #ne+ eery freuen"y, eery hum, of eery en&ine to !ull in that drie+ay and

this, this +as a ne+ hum, a ne+ freuen"y$ #ne+ he +as +aitin& for me on the other

side of the front door$ too# a dee! breath$ +anted to be fla+less for him$

%his time, ho+eer, there +as no +eb"am to ad3ust, no number to dial$ Just a ronbred

6uerto 7i"an in the front yard$

)<ta&e Fri&ht,) thou&ht$



!eeled ba"# the s"reen door li#e the elet "urtains of the Alabama theater and

ste!!ed onto the front !or"h, my audien"e +aitin& in a bla"# Mer"edes fourdoor "ou!e,

the same a&e as me, +ith dar# "herry interior and a bro#en antenna$ ra"ed do+n the

!or"h ste!s ho!in& that the hum of the en&ine or the "ra"#le of the &rael beneath the

+orn tires +ouldn't be enou&h to +a#e Daddy or the do&s$

o!ened the ba"# door and tossed my suit"ase into the floorboard$ o!ened the

front door of the "ar and as too# my seat sureyed a man no lon&er t+odimensional,

bearin& "ar&o shorts and a +ell+orn tshirt$ +as oerdressed$ +anted to badly 3ust to

stare$ %o turn my head and stare, feedin& my eyes and my disillusions, feastin& on a man

that brou&ht to life from "hat room to hotel room$ t +ould be rude to stare$

Meetin& li#e do&s, tailtonose, nosetotail, +ords +ere hardly of any im!a"t

u!on en"ounterin& my Man$ <mall tal# +asn't ne"essary$ had learned the fundamentals

of Daid in the months leadin& u! to this day-a thirtythree yearold :ffi"e Ma

em!loyee liin& alone in 4orth 5arolina$ *e dreams of sin&in& and +hen he san& to me

listened( listened for the lo+ notes, the ones that ma#e the &ut ibrate, the dee! tones

that only a man "an !rodu"e, the same tone Daddy too# +hen it +as time to listen, time

for an ass+hoo!in&$ My ears are attuned a"utely to this note, this "hesttune that slithers

bet+een authority and loe, "allous and "omfort$

)6ull oer, +e "an &et it here,) dire"ted nerously as !ointed to the ideo store

and +e rolled into the !ar#in& lot$

)'ll stay in the "ar$ %hey +on't let me ba"# there any+ays$)

%he "ar door slammed behind him and +at"hed him enter the store and maneuer !ast

the ne+ releases and dis"ounted B*< ta!es, throu&h the door mar#ed )19 and older)$ *e



emer&ed su""essfully, +ith a &ro+nu! &rin on his fa"e and t+o unmar#ed DBD's in his

hands$ *e handed the moies to me and remember the deiant e"itement felt at

sendin& a &ro+n man to do my dirty +or#, to do the thin&s "ouldn't do myself, but +e

"ould do to&ether$ %hin&s that other adults +ouldn't allo+ us to do$

%he Days nn used to in"lude a diner-the :melette <ho!$ Maybe had su&&ested

the hotel, !erha!s thin#in& that the ba"on, e&&, and "heese bis"uits Mama and =ranny

5ri"#et used to ma#e for the tru"#ers !assin& throu&h mi&ht still be there a de"ade later$

ut e&&s and +omen, ba"on and men +ere all &one$ nstead there +ere only "ob+ebs and

ne&atie s!a"e$ %he hotel, ho+eer, +as fun"tional$ e !ulled into the !ar#in& lot and

Daid +ent into the hotel offi"e li#e a &ood host to "he"# in and fet"h the #ey"ard that

+as the only thin& #ee!in& us outside of ea"h other$

+al#ed oer to the ed&e of the #in&sized bed and tra"ed my fin&er alon& the

maroon, nay, and &olden hues of the bed s!read, rou&h as a "at's ton&ue and soon to be

as +et$ sat do+n on the bed, feelin& li#e a nerous "ontender as the door shut behind

him and he sat do+n his belon&in&s$ Al+ays the &entleman, he hesitated before 3oinin&

me on the bed$ *e sat do+n net to me and "ould feel the air bet+een us thi"#en +ith

statutory !otentials$

#i"#ed ba"# on the bed, starin& at bla"# teleision s"reen at the head of the

room$ For an instant +anted so badly for that s"reen to be filled$ %o be filled +ith men$

Dar#haired men +ith an amateur inno"en"e and an oral fiation, su"#in& di"# and

fu"#in& ea"h other ra+, finally &ettin& +hat they +ant and +hat they desere$ %he tube

+ould be brimmin& +ith "um ueens and &olden sho+ers, !ushin& siteen by nine to its

limits$



ith three or four or maybe fie breaths turned to loo# him in the eyes-bro+n(

+as able to s"ale his body +ith my eyes and !ut a hush to the riddles in my "hest by the

time found my hand on his "hest-my olie fin&ers li#e a 3aundi"ed intruder

meanderin& do+n a trail of ordi"ua flesh the "olor of honey and "or#board$ 4o+ +as

the time to stare, to feed my !u!ils and all of my senses, to lay him out on the eam table

and ins!e"t eery hair, nail, tissue and "artila&e$ nstead found myself &azin& strai&ht

ahead$ At the teleision$

)Let's +at"h,) said$

A fe+ minutes into our fli"#, the lure of !orno&ra!hy had +orn off ui"#er than

e!e"ted$ Lyin& on the bed found myself drun# +ith !o+er-=odly$ Aboe all,

!ossessed the !o+er to "reate$ %o "reate life, to breathe life into the "hara"ters on the

teleision s"reen( to translate the red, &reen, and blue of those t+odimensional loers

into a smell, a tou"h, and a taste +ith a loer of my o+n$ 4o+ +ould be the time for

starin&$

san# dee!er into the bed, lyin& beside him in the most "o+ardly an&le, my head

at his "hest$ *is baby fa"e out of si&ht, "ould see only his body that san# into the

horizon at the foot of the bed$ y no+ my hand had landed on his stoma"h-solid and

hollo+ as a "ro"#!ot, tender as butterbeans$ "ould feel his &uts &ie under the !ressure

of my #nu"#les$ loo#ed do+n his body to the "ardboard"olored shorts dressin& his

bul&in& "ales, dense-the "olor of maho&any, almost$ noti"ed his bul&e$ n front of me,

there it +as-all there-a man of !ro!er stature, full, in liin& "olor +ith no !ause, !lay,

sto!, or re+ind$ tu&&ed at his belt$



)?ou sure you +ant to do this) he as#ed and the +ords "ra"#ed from the !ur!le

in his li!s a&ainst my ears$ %here +as only one ans+er$

)Mhmm$)

5onsent$ 5onsensual$ 5onsensus$ slid my hand under his button and beyond his zi!!er,

and for the first time felt a Man$ A handful$ A man feels ery different than a boy$

My hands seemed too small to "ontain this one, nothin& li#e had !ra"ti"ed as a

boy at seen years old, +ith Jonathan, my "ousin of the same a&e$ %his time the bun#

beds had been re!la"ed +ith a ueensized one, the boys re!la"ed +ith a man$

ith my hand +ra!!ed around Daid li#e a manual transmission, "ouldn't hel!

re"allin& the #inder&arten etiuette that "hara"terized my boyish e!eriments under the

bun# beds>

)7emember +hat +e used to !lay)

)hat)

)?ou remember$ "an s!ell it$)

):hhh$ ess, eee, e"#s)

)Uh huh$)

un# beds +ere !erfe"t$ Just a sheet hun& oer the to! +as all that +as needed to

dra+ the line-the thin line bet+een t+o boys and the rest of the +orld$ Just a bed sheet,

mothbitten fabri" that transforms thrift store bun# beds into somethin& rather

im!enetrable, somethin& rather !riate, somethin& rather desirable to a seen year old-a

!la"e to be a boy, a !la"e to be a man$

don't remember if +e "losed our eyes +hen +e #issed ba"# then, or if +e #issed

at all$ Cen if he +anted it 3ust as mu"h, al+ays felt that +ould hae to tri"# him, to



!roide some in"entie, at least, for this e!eriment$ *ere, in our bun#ed laboratory, +e

tested rhythms and !atterns, ton&ues and ears, nails and ni!!les, loo#in& to unfold ea"h

other-an undera&e !aradi&m$

Do #iss the fre"#les

hat do they taste li#e

After the "ondom bro#e Daid and +ent for i"e "ream$ After the "ondom bro#e

.me inside of him !ani"#in& at the si&ht of shredded late, +ain& my di"# around li#e a

fla""id +and, tryin& to "ast a s!ell of amnesia, tryin& to for&et the 6<A's and the ominous

abbreiations, the letters *, , B, tryin& to for&et ho+ fell throu&h the rubber further

inside than een thou&ht "a!able/ +e +ent for i"e "ream$ %o al Mart$

)%hey ma#e %+i i"e "ream) as#ed +hen +e &ot in the "ar$ Daid had been

rain& about it sin"e he noti"ed the mini frid&e at the foot of the bed$ de"ided to +ait in

the "ar +hile he ran in for the i"e "ream$ al Mart on a <unday eenin& +as a !rime

o!!ortunity to run into eery "ousin, se"ond "ousin, aunt, un"le, tea"her and !rea"her you

neer +anted to see-and een better +ould be my fifteen yearold e!lanation of +hy

ea"tly 'm +ith a thirtythree year old, sifootfie 4uyori"an male headed strai&ht for

the frozen treat aisle$

%he i"e "ream didn't hae a "han"e to ma#e to the mini frid&e before Daid ri!!ed

of the to! of the "ontainer li#e a "hild at 5hristmas$ , the !roud !arent, loo#ed on as he

du& the ed&e of the s!oon into his !rize$ %he i"e "ream +as meltin& at its !erimeter-a

"ommon fate +hen frozen dessert meets Alabama humidity$ Daid s"ra!ed the sides lined

+ith the &lossy "ream-the best bite of the bo-and smothered it bet+een ton&ue and

!alette, eyes "losed$ %he "aramel and "ream snu"# in bet+een my fin&ers$ <ti"#y$



%he hotel bathroom +as "om!lete +ith the mythi"al, tiny !lasti" bottles of

sham!oo and "onditioner had al+ays seen on teleision$ didn't hesitate to steal them-

memorabilia and a healthier s"al!$ turned on the, &ettin& it 3ust ri&ht and then a little

hotter$ Adults ta#e hot sho+ers$

stu"# my le& in first, easin& myself into the ne+ tem!erature$ %he un!re"edented

!ossibility of sharin& a sho+er had s+am throu&h my head many times before this

moment, but remained fantasy-ima&ination( sure a sho+er s"ene +as the order of the

day for the toned men of the teleision s"reen, but here +ith 3ust myself and the Man that

follo+ed, there +as no room for ima&ination-thin&s really ha!!en here$

%he ni&hts +hen Mama had to +or# late Daddy +ould ta#e a bath +ith me$ *e

+ould "ome home from Metro"# <teel and ire, "oered head to toe in a thi"#, bla"#,

zin"ous &rime Mama "alled )flu$) %he tub +as stained zin"&ray +ith years of flu, but

"hildren are not "on"erned +ith stains$ After the defluin& !ro"ess . "an hear Mama

no+, )=oddamnit, Fluy &et yer ass in the tub)/, Daddy +ould run the bath +ater to my

li#in&$ sat in the bubbles and held my hands under the fau"et and +hile he "limbed in

the tube +ith me, ma#in& sure held my breath +hile he rinsed out my hair, the same

+ay Mama sho+ed him to$

)?ou &ot somethin& on you,) Daid says as he !oints to my di"# and &rabs the

soa! to s"rub$

)%hat's a fre"#le,) re!rimanded him as my o+n lau&hter !rom!ted his$

%hat ni&ht +e +ent to moies$ as#ed him to ta#e me out +hen the +alls of the

hotel room be&an to "lose in after the first ni&ht, +hi"h +as almost entirely s!ent #issin&$

Daid had a ton&ue rin&$ *e seemed obsessed +ith Listerine( he al+ays rinsed his mouth



out before #issin& me-&ettin& ready ea"h time li#e a nerous date-a "autious

adoles"ent$ &ot used to the menthol that +ra!!ed around my ton&ue +hen #issed him,

"ou!led +ith his adult +ei&ht on to! of me$ :n my ba"# in this "rushin& embra"e stared

!ast his fa"e, fied on the "eilin& tiles$

loed #issin& more than anythin&, but soon his ton&ue seemed to rea"h too far

inside of me, and "ountin& the "eilin& tiles +as of no hel!$ n an instant felt "om!letely

submer&ed, a son under a father, and all at on"e eerythin& felt a"utely shameful$ Li#e a

"hild bla"#berry !i"#in&, horded the fruit of my labor, stuffin& myself full of mas"uline

"onsent and !ossibility until +as oer fed, my 3ui"es soured$ +anted to slither out from

under him, but did not +ant to offend-Lord #no+s +as a!!re"iatie of the "rushin&

loe-flattered, een-but in an instant my mind ra&ed at all those #ne+ +ould be

+aitin& on the other side of the blan#et +hen "ra+led out of the bun# beds-those +ho

+ould use their dis&ust to "ondemn eerythin& hae dis"oered$

My !hone is rin&in&$ ith intent, roll Daid off of me and "ross the room to

ans+er the "all$

had thou&ht to ta#e !re"aution-the !o"#et#nife tu"#ed into my so"# +as !roof

of that mu"h$ #ne+ all too +ell the story of the omni!resent !redator, the ar"hety!al

!edo!hile that lur#s in eery "orner of "ybers!a"e, +aitin& to !oun"e on little boys and

&irls$ 4o !oun"in& here$

athy, my "ousin .t+i"eremoed/, +as "allin& to "he"# on me, 3ust as had

as#ed her to a "ou!le days before$ Daid is "on&enial as usual, and tries his best to mind



my !ria"y and disre&ard my "onersation$ !ut the !hone to my ear to hear athy

+aitin& on my "ue$

)*ello' ans+ered$

):h, hey, mama$$$)

)Do +hatE :h my =od$ s he o#ay s he in the hos!ital)

athy stayed uiet, allo+in& me to finish +hat sounded more li#e a solilouy than a

"onersation$

)Do you need me to "ome)

)Uh huh$ :#ay$ ?eah, 'm at Leah's ri&ht no+, but "an "ome, re"#on)

)Uh huh$ :#ay$ Loe you$ ye$)

<tayin& in "hara"ter, !ut the !hone do+n and turned to "at"h his eyes$

)hat +ron&, +hat's ha!!ened) he as#ed$

*is bro+n eyes +idened, his bro+s ar"hed, and #ne+ for "ertain that his "on"ern +as

&enuine, een if it +asn't needed$

)My un"le had a heart atta"#$ *e's at the hos!ital$ Mama +ants me to &o to the

C7 +ith her$)

):h, shit$ Are you o#ay s he o#ay as that your Dad)

)4o, it +as =ranny 5ri"#et$ <he +ants me to &o to the C7 +ith her$ <omebody's

&onna "ome !i"# me u! shortly$)

):h,) he lin&ered$

)'m "omin& ba"#$ 6romise)

) ?ou sure you're not 3ust &onna run out on me "ause you're si"# of my old ass f

you 3ust +anna &o home for a +hile, "an ta#e you, ya #no+$ t's no bi& deal$)



)4oE 'm "omin& ba"#, !romise$)

:ur &lan"es nai&ated to o!!osite sides of the hotel room and for an instant

a""e!ted that my bluff +as "hildish and trans!arent$ as it that obious that +anted to

es"a!e, that +anted to 3ust &o home and reel, !ause this e!erien"e, hae it at arms

len&th, him +aitin& in the ueen bed +hile tried to fi&ure out +hy +asn't as &ro+n as

thou&ht

+anted to hae my fresh "at"h stand still for a moment$ +anted to de"ide

+hen and ho+ handled him$ %o finally have him$ %o +al# out on him, on the statutory

ra!e, the sodomy, all of the "har&es that mi&ht a""om!any this field tri! of mine$ And still

hae him still +aitin&, "ontained +hile fit him into this story$ Feelin& entirely medio"re

at my trans!arent teena&e es"a!e route, &rabbed some "lothes, !romised to be ba"#, and

left the hotel room behind to 3um! into athy's tru"#$ <he had been +aitin&, ne+ly

li"ensed at a&e siteen( she +as the &eta+ay drier$ athy doesn't as# uestions$

%he eenin& +as s!ent mana&in& tears of shame +hile tryin& to "oo# su!!er for

Daddy and Jordan$ %he !or# "ho!s +ere more su""essful than my attem!ts to hold ba"#

the &uilt that had been brou&ht on by t+o days inside my first man-a &uilt that bloomed

from the inside out, s!readin& li#e udzu$ e!erien"ed that eenin&, "ryin& myself into

a stu!or, feelin& li#e a bad mother-a fruitless, in"a!able mother$ ut the !or# "ho!s

indi"ated other+ise, at least for the moment, and the boys-Daddy and Jordan-had a bit

of a su!!er$ Mama "alled durin& dinner$ Daddy a""e!ted the "har&es$ Daid met me at the

end of the dirt road$ *e +ould leae for 4orth 5arolina in the mornin&$ o+ed him one

more ni&ht$



Daid let me #ee! the Fleet+ood Ma" 5D that found in his suit"ase$ e listened

to the +hole album inside of the hotel +alls, and to this day lau&h at the "ri!!lin& irony

of us inside that room, blarin& )?ou Ma#e Loin& Fun,) a boy and a man a &eneration

a!art but someho+ "om!letely stri!!ed and eually 3uenile as if the hotel +alls +ere

made of fabri", han&in& from the bun# bed aboe$ #e!t the 5D$

listened to Fleet+ood Ma" the entire drie from Monteallo to etum!#a,

+hi"h too# almost t+o hours, but seemed lon&er +ith Jordan's threeyearsold limited

toleran"e for the "riminal 3usti"e system$ %he barbed +ire s!irals that +ra!!ed the !rison

shot u! from the hillto! li#e s!ires, oddly reli&ious, and +ondered +hat &eneses or

reelations a+aited us on the other side of the &ate$ e "limbed out of Lil' *ott, all three

dressed in our thriftstore best, li#e ambassadors from the free +orld, "arryin& a sa"# of

uarters$ loo#ed u!$ )Julia %ut+iler 6rison for omen$) +ouldn't find out until mu"h

later that %ut+iler is one of Alabama's fie maimumse"urity institutions-"om!lete

+ith its o+n Death 7o+$

6enetratin& the !rison seemed 3ust as diffi"ult as es"a!in& from it$ %hese !eo!le

res!e"t !ro"edure, authority, and obedien"e, +hi"h they demanded from us$ Daddy #ne+

nothin& of !ro"edure or authority, only !eo!le and the thin&s they do, +hi"h naturally left

me to nai&ate us throu&h the labyrinth of lo"#s, bolts, and bullet!roof !anes that #e!t us

from Mama$ mmediately +as se!arated from Daddy and ta#en to a se!arate bathroom$

Daddy stayed +ith Jordan +hile the !rison &uard too# in a bathroom stall and ran his

hands u! and do+n the sides of my body and ima&ined, for a minute, the &uards &loed

hands slidin& under my shirt, his breath on my ba"#, slammin& me a&ainst the +all,



floatin& in bet+een ma#in& loe to me and 3ust fu"#in& me +ith my head !ressed a&ainst

the "on"rete +alls$

nstead, +as "leared and released from the bathroom +ithin less than a minute$

+al#ed out to see Daddy and Jordan &oin& into a se!arate bathroom$ +ondered +hat the

!roto"ol +as for sear"hin& a toddler$ <ure enou&h the dia!er "ame off and the late

&razed the three yearold s#in the "olor of "hestnuts, and "ould see the an&er s+ell in

Daddy's eyes$ ut he #ne+ +hat had to be done and after one final sear"h, +e +ere

instru"ted to +al# to the isitation "enter, all the +ay do+n the "on"rete and steel

!assa&e+ay that lead to a &ymnasiumsized room, sterile and +hite, +ith metal !i"ni"

tables and endin& ma"hines that +ra!!ed the !erimeter of the room li#e "arnial !rizes$

All +omen here-some hidin& behind bars, some sti"#in& throu&h them-all of them

#eenly a+are it +as isitin& day$

Feelin& ri"h, rubbin& the uarters throu&h my fin&ers, lubri"atin& them +ith the

s+eat from my !alms li#e they +ere meant for somethin& more than Mountain De+ or

Doritos$ At least nine or ten uarters s"ra!in& in my hands, &rindin& li#e "ars on a

railroad tra"#$ sat them do+n on the table and shoed my hands under my nose,

breathin& in the metalli" odor left behind$ sniffed my fin&erti!s a fe+ times to see if the

sten"h +ould sti"# around$

loo#ed u! at Mama, headtotoe in her 3um!suit, an ironi"ally an&eli" +hite that

reminded me of dam! linen hun& to dry-!ristine sae for the brandin& a"ross the ba"#>

Alabama De!artment of 5orre"tions$

5orre"tions$



%he dents in her s#in seemed dee!er than usual, her roots a bit more !ronoun"ed

-the brunette slo+ly eatin& at the red, and her mouth rea"hin& do+n at ea"h "orner,

brimmin& +ith slobber that +as met +ith tears on the li!s$ *er oi"e "rea#ed out of her

throat as if she had a tra"heotomy instead of a felony, and she mana&ed a )*ey, baby

boy,) before the +arden interru!ted us +ith the rules and re&ulations$

Mama and Daddy +ere allo+ed one hu& and one #iss on the cheek $ After hearin&

these rules, "ouldn't hel! but to stare as Daddy #issed Mama, +aitin& to see if he "ould

-if he +ould-obey$ t +as a stran&e hu&, a stran&e #iss( both sma"#ed of "urren"y, li#e

somethin& !re"ious bein& traded bet+een them, a bar&ain-a deal$ &ae Mama my

allotted hu& and #iss and tried to o""u!y myself +ith Jordan and the arious toys

s"attered around the room, !la"ed strate&i"ally to settle the "hildren that "ame and +ent$

<ittin& a"ross the table from my mother felt more li#e an inuisition than a "onersation$

Mama daydreamed of the outside +hile +e boys remained fas"inated +ith the +orld of

+omen +e +at"hed reole around us, be&&in& uestions, humblin& uestions-

%hey ma#e all y'all shit to&ether

hat are they feedin' y'all

Do y'all &et to &o outside

%hey let you +or# on your =CD

?ou &ot a "ellmate

?'all slee!in& on bun# beds

) loe you$) +ould say$ "ould see the +ords dribble out of my mouth and for

eery ) loe you,) felt a )%his is your !la"e, ho!e you'e learned your lesson, bit"h)

or a )s this +hat mother's do ?ou know better ,) "ra+lin& u! my throat, aimin& dire"tly



at her-an unfulfilled bullseye$ t +as hard not to smir# +hile isitin& my mother in

!rison$ %he &uards +at"hed us li#e a miniseries, and almost felt famous-li#e a star, as

if someho+ #ne+ all the dramati" eents in my life +ould one day "ulminate into the

Lifetime moie eent of the year$

t +as February no+-in"ome ta season$ My year neer really be&an in January

li#e the rest, but rather +hen the refund "he"# +as in the mail$ Daddy al+ays referred to

this time as )the first of the year$) Any !roblems or dreams from the year before "ould

al+ays be ta#en "are of "ome )the first of the year$) Mama and Daddy +ould usually

suander the "ou!le &rand afforded to us by Un"le <am$ :f "ourse Mama determined the

family's subsidies, usually &iin& to! !riority to ;ana or lono!in, +hile allo+in&

Daddy to di& for a reason to s!lur&e on a ne+ set of s"re+ driers, a ne+ la+n mo+er or

a <unday ni&ht buffet dinner-mere distra"tions-toys for a "hild$ ee! busy, DaddyE

%hat year +as the one +ho &ot to "hoose ho+ the money +as s!ent$ Daddy and

bou&ht a brandne+ +asher, dryer, oen, and refri&erator$ Jordan smiled in dia!ers on to!

of the +asher and dryer, and +e too# !i"tures of him to send to Mama +ho +as "lueless

about the #it"hen full of s!ar#lin& ne+ a!!lian"es$ e fi&ured that she +ould be ha!!y

+ith our "hoi"e$ e needed a ne+ oen for a +hile, and she "ould ma#e use of

eerythin& on"e she "ame home$ ut neer mind the to+els to be +ashed or the

"asseroles to be ba#ed, the a!!lian"es doubled as a redeemer, somethin& ne+-a "han&e

-to remind you that the +ay thin&s are mi&ht not be the +ay they hae to be$

%al# of la+yers and !arole, felonies and rehab floated throu&h the air bet+een

Mama and Daddy as traded seen uarters for a "hi"#en sand+i"h, lettin& Jordan

o!erate the endin& ma"hine +ith !ride, as had tau&ht him$ "arried him on my hi!



ba"# to Mama and Daddy but +e said nothin& before the arden announ"ed the end of

isitation hours, and +ith that announ"ement "ame a "olle"tie thud from eery heart that

bu"#led under the arden's de"laration$ e had our 6olaroid ta#en by an inmate in her

seenties, a +oman +ho had #no+n Julia %ut+iler 6rison for omen for most of her life$

%he 6olaroid "ost us around fifteen uarters and Mama too# it +ith her +hen she left,

headed strai&ht for the stri! sear"h +here she +ould be "ra"#ed o!en li#e a suit"ase only

to be "losed a&ain, tossed in the floorboard of a bla"# Mer"edes fourdoor "ou!e +ith

dar# "herry interior and a bro#en antenna$

untitled: an alabama story

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