uBC A r c h i v es

u ~ft c I Uj Guucu

Serial,

C

CG ~,C ! /I GU C AU

AAGG C~'GVC

A

Volume 4, N mber 5 The New, paper for Science Students Wednesday, Oct .31, 1990

Vampires, Hallowe'en, and History

A Caricature Is Born Where Two Legends Meet

G U C4 G

C AA

GC4AI

UUCG,UA

A A C A A C A G

G G / GUC CI

U

1CC'CAG ! ! l ~ I uC GA uAU .

gq C U u II

plica

U A

Gcen ~

e

'tiation

9 \-0 0s ite

Sp ?cjcrloll LAGQI-Lenvn

CrU C t,„n t

Gi

C o

GGG'—q

C G

4 "-c4G

4 NEi

C

A

C N \G

sr: -- G A

NG

~G C1 G

C~

G—

4 G

-

U—

4 'Gli

C .

C CN--

NC

q tiv

t GU \C

A

Gq

C AU \\ .~\A \A G

C GA

C CG \\ G C, )/U

A ; \ \ G

ucC UG

- G '

G

A

C

A

" `The very place, where he have bee nalive, Un-Dead for all these centuries, isfull of strangeness of the geologic an dchemical world. There are deep cavern sandfissures that reach none know whither .There have been volcanoes, some of whos eopenings still send out waters of strang eproperties, and gases that kill or make tovivify.' "

-Brain Stoker, Dracula

The vampire myth has been with human-ity, in at least some form, as far back asancient Greece, where but a single legendbore reference to beings which feasted onblood . Still, the primitive similarities tothe mythos developing in later, mediaevalEurope, is striking . Werewolves, bats ,and eternal fog surround the Transylva-nian creature ; he shuns garlic, mirrors ,running water, and all things holy . He canpass through any portal which has oncebeen opened to him, unless it is sealed bysacred means.

But whence came this develop-ment? Why should Vladislav IV, calledDracula, of Transylvania be immortal-ized as such a monster? And why on earthare kids encouraged to dress up as vam-pires and meander about the neighbour -hood scouting for chocolate?

Vlad, to start with, was not a verynice man. Dracula means "son of th edemon;" and indeed, his tyrannical fathe rhad gone under the nomer Dracul ; forhimself, however, he earned the separat etitle of the Impaler. His rule was viciousand dictatorial, his people cowed intosubmission as if governed by a hypo-chondriac with achainsaw. When he died,the barren lands began their trek intolegend .

The nearly overwhelming barrage ofentries to last issue's 432 contest practi-cally threatened to approach overflow ofsome of the SUS office last week . Presi-dent Catherine Rankel might have said ,"Whew!" in response had the influx bee nsignificantly greater.

As it was, 18 photocopied entrie sarrived in the tray, and the winner is on eCaptain Physiology by name, for his epic78-page flip book., Captain Physiology a tthe Australian Open.Mr. Physiology win sa Body Parts kit from the UBC Book -store, with which to do what he will .

Death is a funny thing, and allreligions struggle to explain it, eitherthrough afterlife, reincarnation, denial o fthe soul, or other, more bizarre methods .The notion of a non-death, a conditionwhere one's husk of a body lives on afterthe death of one's soul, keeping the soulback from its true desserts, is fundamen-tal to that of vampirism . The opposite ofa transcendental state, where the soul hasescaped the confines of the body, thi swalking damnation ties together all form sof imprisoned souls .

Let it suffice to say that none knowwhat marks the fundamental differenc ebetween a body with active brain andbeating heart, and the same shell an in-stant later, its heart still, its mind silent ,and its loss grieved . In the myth of vam-pires, the fleeing soul would traverse it sDivine Comedic path, unless some powerhalted it.

The bastard offspring of bastardparents were doomed to become vam-pires after death, as were werewolves andheretics . Vlad fit the third category (and,some said, the second) : so his spirit wa ssaid to roam the lands, leeching the life -blood from his countrymen . Like a witch,he could not cross running water; like awerewolf, he could change shape at will .Like a wraith, his nocturnal body couldnot abide direct sunlight. All these attrib-utes combined with those life-sappin gabilities peculiar to vampirism, and mythgrew .

(Not all vampires are male, ofcourse: but females are farther between .Anyone killed by a vampire 's attentionswould become a vampire of the next gen -eration ; male vampires thus tended toengender females and vice versa. Despite

Second prize, a pair of Sciencesweatpants, is to be had by KathleenMoore for her replica of a large cluster o fpaper clips and a Brachs' Toffee, en -titled, "Feeding Time." And to ElaineWong, for her third-place portrait of aglove, a calculator, two quarters, somekeys, a cassette, a beer ad, and severalother fascinating-looking but less readilyidentifiable items, goes a Science T-Shirt .

This issue's new contest is an-nounced on page 6. Deadline for entries isthe Wednesday, November 7th . Results ,as always, next issue.

a vague hideousness common to all Un -Dead, the vampire is extraordinarilybeautiful to her or his victim, the jugularkiss an erotic fantasy . Already the soul isbeing compromised to the evil forceswhose sport it has become .)

Thus in the East; and eventually ,this version of vampirism became thedominant telling of the myth, especiallywith the publication of Dracula in 1897 .In the West, meanwhile, an utterly unre-lated tradition was gradually developing :that of Hallowe'en.

Yes, as magazines galore, newspaper saplenty, drugstores by the dozen andfriends in bulk cannot possibly have faile dto remind you, i t ' s that time of year again .Hallowe'en. And to help celebrate thetrue meaning of Hallowe'en, The 432 i sthrilled to present to you another meticu -lously researched, guaranteedly accuratesurvey. Here, then, are the creme de l acreme, the nougat du nougat, the ten mos tfabulous chocolate bars available :

#1 — Toblerone This Swissdelicacy comes in Milk, Dark, White, andBittersweet Chocolate. Stuffed with somesort of nut, the triangular segments ar enot that difficult to break off individuall yand offer to your friends, impressing thedickens out of them with your fine, Con -tinental tastes . A large Toblerone can lastanywhere from a minute and a half toover a week, depending on one's mood .

#2 — Mars This thick, gooeybar is nearly impossible to extricate fromone's hair, but if care is taken to store it farfrom the shampoo, such is not a problem .The Mars bar has a different recipe de -pending which country one is in : conti-nental European Mars bars contain a touc hof mint, slightly more in the German thanthe French, while American Mars bar sare the bitterest available. The Canadianrecipe, midway between the German andthe American in sweetness but withou tthe mint, was recently scrapped; how-ever, dialing 1-800-MARS will not reacha toll-free bring-back-the-old-flavou ranswering-machine hotline .

#3 — Kit Kat Individual wafer smake this bar another great friend-keeper .Unlike Toblerone, though, most elemen -tary schoolkids have heard of Kit Kat :hence affecting a posh accent and dealingthese out in a crowded room will gener-ally not impress people . Kit Kat commer-cials are also misleading : those who

As it had transformed the wintersolstice festival, Saturnalia, into Christ-mas, and a Celtic celebration of the vernalmoon into Easter, the Roman CatholicChurch fastened upon a mid-May tradi-tional Celtic ritual feast during the sev-enth century. Continuing its unswervingeffort to convert as many people to theLight with as little pain as possible, itdeclared May 13th to be All Hallows 'Day, a feast to all the saints .

Continued on page 5 . . .

munch one of these bars and expect th eflow of time to develop an abrupt anom -aly will be sorely disappointed, and likely

feel they've wasted their 75g . Neverthe-less, Kit Kat is a fine candy bar at an onl yslightly generic price .

#4 — Crispy Crunch Yet an-other perpetrator of misleading advertis-ing — in fact, most Crispy Crunch eater shave brown hair— this treat also tends tofrighten small children. After all, whe none is losing one's teeth, no incentivefrom the tooth fairy is going to make onerisk premature dental fallout just overbiting through one lousy chocolate bar .With the onset of adolescence, however ,and the accompanying pride in the abilit yof one's enamel, people return in flocksto its crispy sensibilities .

Continued on page 5 . . .

In This Issue . . .

Editorial 2

Halloween Reveries 3

That's Trivial! 4

Dik Miller, P.I 6

New Contest 6

Senate Shorts 6

AMS Briefs 7

Drawers of SUS 7

Practice Midterms 7

Beyond Chicklets 8

Paper Monster 8

Flood of PhotocopiesEndangers Several

The 432 Guide to Chocolate

The 432

1

October 31, 1990

ewe" -~ fv,r

Editorial : Mondayby David W. New

"The silicon chip inside her headIs switched to overload. "

By the time a student reaches her twentiet hbirthday, she's lived through over athousand Mondays . Now, most events,when you've been through them over athousand times, become manageable,trivial, and commonplace . So why areMondays such inescapable ordeals ?

Perhaps it's societal . Our upbring-ing is a commercial one, wherein BlueCollar families with two point sevenchildren grunt in disgust at the comingwork week, while White Collar adult swith only one point nine kids sip glumcappucino and drift zombielike to the carphone . Everyone, but everyone feelshorrid on a Monday, so why don't you ?

That's right, it's a peer pressureschtick, and like most peer pressureschticks, it's trying to argue you intofeeling lousy . ("Here, try this cigarette .You won't cough, you won't get cancer ,you won't suffer withdrawal . Honest .")Ideally, you should be able to just snapout of it, and live through your morning swide awake.

The trouble with this explanationis that however hard you try to believe itat 7:30 in the morning, standing outsideTortellini's in the brisk air and wonderin gwhat possessed you to get to campusthree hours before your first class, you'llstill fall asleep again by eight, and you'llstill stumble through your 10:30 class ina sorry haze, and your notes for the daywill still look like an advanced exercise i ncuneiform hieroglyphics .

The five-day-on, two-day-of fschedule of rote life isn't at fault either

-Bob Geldof — when Friday's been a holiday,Monday is usually even worse tha nnormal. Another answer is needed, andneeded before the tea runs out.

Maybe it's genetic . Perhapshumans have an inbred need to rebelagainst consciousness one day out ofevery seven, and that happens to fall onMonday. If it landed on Sunday, wemight be a saner race: sure, people woul dsleep through brunch every chance theygot, but at least they'd make it to quantu mmechanics awake.

(Digression: Way back when ,when the Julian calendar was replacedby the Gregorian, ten days werearbitrarily declared to have alreadypassed. Landlords galore cheated thei rtenants by charging them a full month' srent; irate peasants marched in protestmarches against the aristocraticdoughheads who had stolen ten per-fectly good days of their lives . So didthe day of the week jump from Saturdayto Wednesday as well, or just move onas normal? )

(Yes, I've been wondering for awhile. No, I'm not obsessed with trivia .Well, not totally. Not so I don't have asocial life. I mean, there's other reason sfor that.)

But regardless of our wills,unheeding of our desires, Mondays shal lremain, and it seems that any attempt torid one's life of them only succeeds i nfouling up Thursdays and alternateweekends. Such is life, don't you know.

Happy Monday .

"And God called the light Day, and thedarkness he called Night. And theevening and the morning were the firstday."

-Genesis 1 :5

Judeo-Christian religion holds that theuniverse was created on a Monday.Before that fateful evening, it seems al lof existence was hydrogen monoxide ;the first Day of Creation saw the adventof photons . Eventually, of course, camethe Seventh Day, the Sabbath, and thenotion of keeping it holy, coupled wit hthat of the five-day work week, guaran-teed that the creation of the universewould one day be celebrated by themillionfold ritual of dragging onesel fout of bed, splashing coffee, tea, Coke,or other caffeinated substance on one'sbeleaguered face, and stumblin gthrough a facade of wakefulness calledMorning.

Oddly, given the Hebrew loreof a seven-day week in which the Moondoesn't make an entrance until Thurs-day, Monday is named after that celes-tial body in almost every Europeanlanguage: lundi — lune-di ; Montag —Mond-Tag; the rest of the days arenamed either after Roman god(desse) sor their Norse equivalents. Friday, forinstance, comes from Frieda, as Venu sleads to vendredi ; Saturday arises

directly from Saturn . (That's not to saythat the correspondence is exact :Wednesday is Wodin's, yet jeudi ,Thursday, is Jove's ; Thor, meanwhile, i sMars — who governs mardi, Tuesday . )

An exact correspondence come swhen one applies the days of the week t othe seven planets. The ancients were bigon sevens : they . saw them everywhere.The Sun, the Moon, Mars, Mercury,Jupiter, Venus, and Saturn formed onesuch ancient septet . . . and here comes thetricky part.

Take the 168 hours which makeup a week, and map them out in a 24 x 7grid, so the days are separated . Then takethe seven planets, and arrange them inorder of increasing speed across the sky :the Moon is slowest, then Saturn, Jupiter ,Mars, the Sun, Venus, and Mercury. Now.Assign each planet in turn one hour ,repeating the list twenty-four times, sothe Moon governs from midnight to1 :00am, again from 7 :00am to 8 :00am,and so on on Monday, and somewhatdifferent times in the rest of the week .

Hey presto — the midnight-to -1 :00am planet, each and every day, is theone the day is named after. No matterwhich pantheon you name the planet safter; no matter what else the gods govern.

Note that already, even in pre-Christian, classical times, Monday beganthe week . It seems to be a chronic ailment .

Letters to the Editor The Academics SUS Aghast a tCommittee

AstonishingElection Results

Dear Editor ,

As a math professor, I thought I migh trespond (react violently?) to AaronDrake's article wherein he mentions beingsurprised that a professor talked to him .Tell me something Aaron, have you eve rwalked into a room of 30 or more strang -ers, broken into groups of two or three ,and tried to strike up a conversation ?Now imagine they're all 15 years youngerthan you, so that as 5-year-olds, they'll allyawn with boredom when you talk about

your favorite topics, say cold beer, hotcars and lukewarm members of the oppo-site sex in your case. (I suppose theymight get animated about your studyin ghabits, since all the 2-year-olds I kno wlove running around without clothes on.)

Now you have a rough idea ofhow easy it is for a prof to talk to thestudents in a classroom . Of course, evenprofs who talk to one student per clas sonly get through half the class beforeterm ends . The point of this paragraph(for all you budding young English in-structors who insist on a point to eachparagraph but wouldn't recognize one o fit put a twinkle in your mouth) is, if youwant to talk to your prof, Tuum Est .

In the next paragraph, Aaron at-tributes his good fortune to sitting in thefront row, because "you earn the profes-sor's respect when you sit in the frontrow." What nonsense. Where did youlearn to read professors' minds? Have

you been spending too much time dow non Fourth Avenue amongst the pal mreaders? And I thought you were a phys-ics student .

I've always had more respect forthe back row brigade having been a partof it myself. (Yes, I too was once anundergraduate, at this same august insti-tution no less.) A professor's respect i smuch more readily obtained by asking anintelligent question, or even any questio nnot about whats on the exam or how th emarking scheme works . In fact, any indi-cation at all that you actually want tolearn something, rather than get goodgrades as a ticket to a high-paying job ,may well produce an overwhelming flo wof respect, gratitude and daily conversa-tion . I know, I know, that would interruptyour doodling, airplane folding and nap -ping . By the way, the fact that light trav -els faster and farther than sound (Do theystill teach that in physics?) guarantee sthat if you can hear your prof from theback row, she can see you .

So make my day . Drop round myoffice and ask me a question about som emath problem which has come up in anon-math course . But be prepared to worktogether on it, since you'll find me ap-pallingly ignorant of anything but math .Who knows, we might both have funlearning something .

John KlippensteinMathematics Dept.

-by Caireen Hanert-The Academics Committee is once agai nhere to serve your needs . Our primaryresponsibilities are giving out the Teach -ing Excellence Award, compiling th eBlack and Blue Review, and dealing wit hany academic concerns of the ScienceUndergraduate population.

Have a complaint about a prof oran unfair exam? Come see us and we'lltry to help you. Meetings are 5 :30p mevery Tuesday in SUS (CHEM 160) . Al lScience students are welcome to attend .

This year, surveys for the Blackand Blue Review will be distributed dur -ing both terms to obtain a better samplingof classes and profs . If you'd like to fil lone out, pick one up in CHEM 160 .

The distribution of the Black andBlue will coincide with the TeachingExcellence Award nominations . Have areasonable and understanding prof?Nominate him/her for the T .E .A.! Formsare available in SUS .

The Great 1990 Year and DepartmentalRep By-Election continued to loom . Al linvolved drew involuntary breaths o fpanic at the imminent vote . Posters arose ,emotions flew hot, pollsters volunteered .

Finally the day arrived . Slowly ,gradually, like the trickle in the wall ofthe submarine, students marched on th ebooth and demanded to vote.

The hours drew on, and the poll-ing day came to a close. The Election sCommissioner retreated to her study tocount the ballots, escorted by scrutineersof every shape and size. But when at las tthe companions emerged from their or -deal, the results were still incomplete.

For the Third Year Rep vote wasstill in recounts. And will be until justafter this paper comes out . Ah well.

Chemistry Aileen AblogBiology. . .Giovanna Vassone

SAVING SP/PEE'Available now at Science Sales, room CHEM 160!

(Friday, November 2nd, 199 04:30-8 :00 PMSUB 207/209

BZZR $1 .00

CZDER $1 .25FREE MUNCHIES !

BIOCHEMISTRY, PHARMACOLOGY & PHYSIOLOGY CLU B

BZZR GARDEN

Computer Science

j AC K E TSCome talk to Anthon i n

Computer Science Room 203 Aif you would like to order a jacket .

TSHIRTS100% Cotton

$10.00 to members $12 .00 to non-membersk,

Available now — limited quantit ylk: 00,

Psst . . . Wanna be a Responsible Adult?Then apply for SUS Academics Coordinator! We offer free

Responsibility Training through our unique step-by-step program.First, you'll be partially responsible for the Teaching Excellenc eAward. Then you'll be totally responsible for handing it to thewinning professor . And finally, you'll be mostly responsible for theBlack & Blue Review . At the end of the year, why, you'll be a full yqualified Responsible Adult! So give it a try! You' ll be glad you did .

G

Only

B13OKES4( 00

N0 % 05"

AN 1 --kVE_ tatvttismeettALL ---=---=- -YEARSAVE 50% ON DININGMOVIES, SPORTS, TRAVEL AND MORE.Don't get left out . This limited edition of the year's best selle ris going quickly . There are hundreds of 2-for-1 and 50%offers to enjoy for a full year of food, fun and travel .attvtgmtegts

Available now at Science Sales, room Chem 1.60 !

My fondest

A

memories ofHallowee n

-

don' t revolv e;-'~ ►

around can-

•

dy .Mycandywas always

- poisoned orstuffed with needles . That's what m ymother told me :

Mother: Aaron, give me that cand ybar. I've got to check it for razorblades.

Aaron (looking at candy bar closely):I don't see any razor blades .

Mother : They 're invisible . Give it here.Mother : CHOMP!Aaron : Hey!Mother: Nope — no razor blades in

this one either. Better checkanother .

My fondest memories revolved aroundTabatha Lucier, the Local Babe. Ta-batha was the dream of every fifth-grader in our elementary school. Once,she came trick-or-treating with me . Ican't even begin to describe the sexualtension in the air that night. I ended upgiving her all my candy bars . When Igot home, mom was furious that I ateall the candy bars before she couldcheck for invisible razor blades an dgrounded me for a week . I didn't care.I Loved Tabatha.

The funny part was that Ta-batha was shaped like a pear . The moreI think about it, there was not that muchabout her that was attractive So whywas she the grade five sex symbol? Thebest I can figure is that we were all dis-covering our genitals back then, andhad no real idea what sexuality was .

There we were, the entire grade five class ,walking around with quizzical looks ,staring at our crotches, labels on ourforeheads — Unclear On The Concept .

Grade five is the point where littleboys start to wake up in the morning withSomething Unusual Down There . Whenit first happened to me, I thought I hadbeen sleepwalking and had banged itagainst the kitchen counter. It didn ' t hurt,but it was a little swollen . But when ithappened a few more times, I knewsomething was amiss . I was worried —even though I got this sorta-neato feelingif I rolled onto my stomach — was thi sthe first symptom of Cooties? (Cooties ,by the way was the disfiguring diseas eyou got if you were Touched By ThePerson Who By General Consensus WasDisliked.) I went to ask my friends:

Me (describing in a scientific fashion) :It sorta kinda was bigger andflopped about.

Hugh Freeman ((who beat me up theyear before, but I beat him u pthis year,and he wouldn't admitit) : You dummy! You got a stiffy !Boy, are you a dum-dum !

Me: I know you are but what am I?Hugh: Aaron had a stiffy and didn' t

know what it was! Hey! You'restill a VIRGIN !

Me: Huh? Me? I DONE IT lots !Hugh: Oh yah, you gunkhead! Who di d

you DO IT to?Me: Who? I DID IT to . . . Lisa

Grlphlplkrnp .Hugh: Who? Take your hand away from

your mouth.Me: Lisa Jenkins.Youdon't know her.

I DID IT at summer camp.Hugh: Yah right! You're a liar-poop!

Me: I know you are but what am I?Hugh : You're a liar-poop !Me: I know you are but what am I ?Hugh : A liar-poop .Me: I know you are but what am I ?Hugh : A real cool guy.Me : I know I am but what are you?Hugh : (hits Aaron )

It was Mr . Bando, our teacher, that reall ymessed our heads up. He taught us thecompulsory watered-down sex education,which confused the heck out of us . So weknew that we were supposed to be ou tthere procreating and we knew that weneeded something called a condom, bu the never really explained what a condo mwas. For the next two years, I had thi spicture of a small dot a few millimeters indiameter that we glued to our penis so wewouldn't Get Girls Pregnant And De-stroy Their Lives. Of course, they nevertold us what we were supposed to do withour penises to Get Girls Pregnant AndDestroy Their Lives . Closest we couldfigure (from our discussions in the tree -fort in the bushes beside my house wherewe would light cigarettes and try not t othrow up) was that if you got naked andstood within a critical radius of the girl, i twould happen.

I never got anywhere with Ta-batha, whom we had assigned the virtueof sexiness by the fact that she was `goingaround' with the toughest kid in school ,Duane Thompson. We were sure thatDuane and Tabatha Did It all the time. I nmy head I had this picture of Tabatha andDuane standing naked together, facin geach other, holding hands . To me, thatwas Doing It . How I wished I could holdhands with Tabatha while I was nakedand Do It.

I never got the sexy girl, but Idid wind up with the Unsexy girl, JulieHogarth,whom I usually scrapped with .We stood together naked, one after-noon in the bushes by my place andheld hands together . It wasn't that greatand it definitely wasn't worth the ago-nizing for the next few days overwhether or not I had Got A Girl Preg-nant And Ruined Her Life.

I also discovered hickies tha tafternoon . Hickies are the Instrumen tOf Satan. What is so damned sex yabout sucking up blood clots? The onl ypurpose they can serve is to mark un-suspecting fifth graders so that theycan be the target of ridicule by theirfriends . Julie Hogarth happily showedher hickies (note the plural — I washaving so much fun creating massiv ewelts on her neck that I had to do fouror five. In the end she looked like shewas wearing a peach-pit necklace) toeveryone at school . You want an effec -tive method of birth control? How abou ta fifth grade class laughing at you? Yo uwon't want to hold hands naked foryears after.

Eventually, of course, I got itright . But the scars from the trials ofgrade five are still there. I still get thatfunny feeling, whenever I roll over ,and I can't help but panic for a fleetinginstant, thinking I had been sleep walk-ing. And I never really lost that muddled ,unsure feeling of vaguery. I just trans-lated it over to my schoolwork .

Happy Halloween. It's sodamned sensual.

Aaron Drake precisely fits the descrip-tion given in several obscure scrip-tures of the fabled Imminent Antikurt.

The Computer Science Students Societyand the Department of Computer Science, UB C

presents

The Official Opening, of Rick's Apollo Lab

and :.' R BASH .

Thursday November 8, 1990(this time Friday is a Holiday!!! )

Lab Opening Ceremony at 3:30 PM(Computer Science room 203 )

B–R BLAST from 4:30PM to 9 :00PM(Computer Science room 300)

• Fm stuff is available(naturally) in limite dquantity only. First com efirst serve. Afterwards,

the stuff is just CHEAP(not free).

BO.QKSTOREUniversity.;Blvd,~. 22. 8-474 1

BIOCHEMISTRY, PHARMACOLOGY & PHYSIOLOGY CLU B

has old Physiology 301 exams from

December 1986

April 1987April 1988

December 1987December 1988

April 1989April 1990

December 1989with answers !

The first amazing opportunity to buy these will b eFriday November, 2nd, at the Bzzr Garden adver-tised two pages ago . Free liquid with each exam !

(Members only.)

That's Trivial !.by Tanya Rose -

Hello again! This week's topic is greatquotes by great people. Try and gues swho said the following quotes. GoodLuck!

1-10: Easy — 1 poin t

1.

God does not throw dice .2.

I think therefore I am.3.

Eureka !4. Early to bed and early to rise makes

a man healthy, wealthy and wise.5.

I'll be back .6. Do you feel lucky, punk?7.

Read my lips.8.

I shall return .9. Try to be nice to three women

every day .10.

Good grief!

11-15: Medium — 2 points

11.

There is no royal road to learning .12.

I am a jelly doughnut !13. How do I work? I grope.14. If I have seen farther than Des-

cartes, it is by standing on theshoulders of giants .

15.

But it does move.

16-20: Hard — 3 points

16.

Ubi materia, ibi geometria.17. Basic research is what I am doing

when I don't know what I a mdoing.

18.

Science knows no country .19. In questions of science, the au-

thority of thousands is not wort hthe humble reasoning of a singleindividual .

20. Research is only ten percent in-spiration and ninety percent per-spiration .

Bonus Question (5 points): Watch me .

SportsStuff

Term II Registration for Bal lHockey, Ice Hockey, andVolleyball starts in Novem-ber. If you want to put a teamtogether, or get on a team, goto your departmental cluboffice or come to CHEM 16 0and sign up! (Or register atthe Intramurals office .They're in room SUB 66 .)

New for Term II

—on all events ! —

The 432Volume 4, Number 5

October 31, 1990

Editor : David W. NewWriters: Aaron C. Drake

Trent HammerCaireen HanertSean Kell yOrvin LauPhilip LedwithDerek K. MillerShiva MojtabaviDavid W. NewCathy RankelTanya RoseElaine Wong

Artists :

Cesare BattistaMike JacksonPatrick Redding

Pick-Up: Erik Jensen

Printed at College Printers .

Area: 9.652 x 10 1 m2.Multiplicity : 3600.Frequency: 8.267 x 10' Hz.Average printing speed :

2.873 x 10- 3 m2 ls

No! The 432 is not namedafter three of the last wordsspoken before Voyager I Ilifted off — but you're hal fright, because "duck" is theWord of the Day down her eat the UBC Science Under -graduate Society . Celebrateby chanting with me tha tAll-the-Contents-of-This -Paper-Are-©-1990-by-the-Authors,-or-by-SUS-If-No-Name's-Given ; Glory Be.

Deadline for submissions :Wednesday, November 7

Next issue : November 14'The Return of Dan Quayl e(elusive little devil that he is )•Our Nifty Regular Features•And much, much more !

Did you know that throughthe mindnumbingly simpl efeat of coming to CHE M160 some Tuesday at 1 :30,you too could be a 432staffer?I thought not .

The SUS News Counci lconsists of Aaron Drake ,Don Hitchen, Erik Jensen ,Dave New, Antoni aRozario, Jason Russell, andElaine Wong. Blame them .

cto er

Classifieds VampiresContinued from page 1 . . .

Uiel

n.t.td

INFINITELY MANY MONKEYS fo rlandmark Psychology/English Literatur eexperiment. Apply to Box Aleph, Kennybuilding.

ATHLETES, STUDENTS, SLOTHS ,POSTAL WORKERS for Science Intro -murals teams. Sign up at SUS or you rdepartmental club office-1stterm eventsget 30% rebate, 2nd term events get 50% .

OWN A CAMERA? Get cheap thrills andfawning admirers — be a 432 staff photog-rapher! Supplications accepted daily inCHEM 160.

SLAVES to reupholster the Pyramids .Contact Rameses Jones at Box 501, thispaper.

FEMALE DIV 1 BALL HOCKE YGOALIE. Please. Call Rachel at 228. 4235 .

Events

WANTED: People from all walks of life t ogo beer-garden-hopping every Friday.Meetin the AMS offices at 2:30 Friday after-noon, or check room SUB 250 for an agenda .Meetings organiized by Diverse Relationsin Undergraduate Notorious Kinship(D.R.U.N .K .) .

c";ervices

GOT A CARD-PLAYING ADDICTION ?We can help ease the pain of withdrawal .Call 228-3116 and ask for someone fromthe Hearts squad.

£;r n i

TO OUR SPECIAL FRIEND : We con-gratulate you on . your 27th birthday (omi-god that'sOLD!) and we hope that you'rearound for at least two more perfect cubebirthdays!! We (love you, Al !

#5 — O Henry The subject ofmore puns than any other chocolate bar ,O Henry also has the best mass-per-cos tratio on the market. Whether the authorfor whom it ' s named knew or cared aboutits existence is not recorded ; neverthe-less, the reputation of the archetypal Bi gChunk Of Fudge has overshadowed —indeed, hounded into veritable obscurit y— much of its lesser competition . Acylindrical cutaway of this bar lookspositively disgusting, and all readers areheartily discouraged from the attempt.

#6— Gotschnasteine Nothing,including the whereabouts or correc tspelling, is known of this chocolate bar .That's right : nothing at all . Sorry .

#7 — Peanut Butter Snicker sHere, at least, the whereabouts are known;unfortunately, that location is the States.Sorrowfully unexported, Peanut Butte rSnickers have been genetically engineere dfor the trait of sticking to the roof of one' smouth, and succeed so admirably as todefy both belief and speech . Research i scontinuing as to whether these constitutea cure for cancer of the bone marrow;prospects, however, seem bleak .

#8 — Twix From the momentone bites into a Twix, one is struck by thesensation that al t, here is a chocolate barwith ingredients But the thrill is not to bedestroyed so soon : for no sooner has one

GODOT : Where were you? I waited allweek . I've headed on home to catch up onSaturday's Twin Peaks episode . Call me .

MORTIMER: The time grows imminentand nigh! See now the Ewoks glow in fuzzybioluminescence. Remember the avocadorations . -Sven

STACEY F . : See "Events." -Don .

['orSale

LIONS GATE BRIDGE. Cheap, attrac-tive, well-lit site, close to woods, convenien tfor commuting. Centre lane extra. Contac tBox 502, this paper .

LOTS OF NEAT STUFF at Science Sales ,including sweatshirts, sweatpants, an dsweaters of all description, not to mentio nT-shirts, jackets;, and boxer shorts. Call228-4235 and ask for Dean, or come b yCHEM 160 and gawk .

finished the bar than one realizes that th epackage contains a second of identicalsize, shape, and constituents . To choco-late bars what Panagopoulos is to pizza ,Twix has perfected the art of segmenta-tion to the extent that the user need do nowork whatever beyond the simple open -ing of the wrap .

#9 — Hershey with Almond sFirst, there was Hershey : a bar of choco-late. Then, there was Hershey with Al-monds : a bar of chocolate with almonds.The precisely descriptive nature of itsname propels this bar well beyond theranks of Mirage and Tootsie Roll into th ebig time. Ubiquitous, convenient, andeasily munched, Hershey with Almond sis a sure relief for those lengthy after-noons when you'd kill for a hunk ofchocolate with nuts in it .

#10 — York One of very fewbars of which Dairy Queen has not yetmade a Blizzard, York is known by it sdistinctive large chunks of solid choco-late. Prospective buyers must be carefu lof their chocolate storage temperature :frozen Yorks, being the thick, tombstone-like slabs that they are, tend to hurt whenimpacting one's body at high velocities ;likewise, when melted, these chocolate scontain no mollifying kibbles of nut orcaramel to reduce the viscosity . Asidefrom that consideration, though, York i sa good bar .

Keep the faith : happy eating .

A century later, All Hallows' wasmoved to November 1st, making thesunset of October 31st the start of Al lHallows' Eve . This night, ran the legend ,all the evil spirits, the descendants o fCain, would roam the land, their lastopportunity before the cleansing saintsappeared at dawn.

Naturally, most people remainedshut up inside, the night of October 31st.

Slowly, the myth developed. Bythe eighteenth century, people would roa mfrom house to house in odd costumes, andmaking food offerings to ward off theubiquitous and chilling spirits . And overthe next two hundred years, childrenbecame the primary wanderers — sochocolate turned into the primary foodoffering. The costumes themselves de-veloped into replicas of the ghosts, untiltruly a world of evil did roam unhinderedon Hallow Even, benignly fulfilling theprophesies of the ancient Christians .

Here the legends intersect. Thevampire, a lone spiritual wanderer of thenight, a shapechanger loath to stray fromthe shadows, was a perfect specimen o fthe evil spirits roaming the land that lat eOctober night ; his distinctive widow' speak, pointed canines, and blood-red lip smade him an ideal candidate for costum-ing. And the Hallowe'en vampire outfi twas born .

Influenced by dozens of screeninterpretations of S toker's novel and otherderivatives of the legend, the popularconception of vampires has resulted in avery particular image: clean-shaven, sil-ver-haired, and as tolerant of light as th eWicked Witch of the West was to water ,to name the most blatant contradiction sof the legend as it existed in the 1800's .

In modern times, another long -toothed bloodsucker blends in impercep-tibly among the Gothic warriors, the BartSimpsons, and the Just Plain Weird get-ups, and the holiday, the most paganevent in the Christian church, has becom ea series of escapades wherein one at-tempts to rake in the most candy from thelargest area before the fireworks begin ."Trick or treat!" — the words ring outfrom children, half of whom are hoping toshow off their new squirt gun and half o fwhom are hoping you won't call theirbluff. (Starting to sing the Smurfs' themesong off key worked for me one year.)

Fireworks, incidentally, are legalin Vancouver from October 25th to 31st ,but never else in the year. Other displaysmust be cleared with the city governmen tand supervised by the fire department .Their connection to Hallowe'en, how -ever, is a purely Canadian invention, withno bearing on any mythological history .

What is it, though, that so catchesout interests about the supernatural,whether at Hallowe'en or no? Ghosts ,magicks, poltergeists : studies of theirexistence continue to fascinate . AndUFOlogy will continue to commandee rits share of the tabloids until there reall yis a First Contact .

But until such a time does occur,just have a good Hallowe'en, and be kin dto all those sorcerors, goblins, and Teen -age Mutant Ninja Turtles knocking onyour door.

And remember — those shadowson your bedroom wall aren't demons o revil spirits . They're car headlights . I knowfrom experience .

L'Incroyable 'Thru

KINETIC ENERGY (st:ELA6rts5UE14712AN.SFERRED FROM TOEARA Op SHE SWORD WIRERTOAVeax IWN EAGe. Tk1 4

a MUtt} euER6Y APPLIED TO SUCHru A 5tIAI.c. SURFACE AREA Is

sum clown To SeveK RJIER -(ELWtAR t30t1b5 . I'HtS HURTS.CA4An3, Std tAtr I ,, . .

NO TAGAIN !

t ANATOMY OF THE SW tt

Po i

THE PHYSICS OFSWORDPLAYSINCE THE' £ Efa$NNIN GOF HISTORY, HUMAN SWAVE REUIZ ON WAR -FA2E TO RESOLVE:CDMR-MTS. ONE.' OF T1tEOIAEST" Toots WFt sucu

CONFUeT ADYu TP :NTSIS THE' S JoRQ. ITISALSO ONE - OF The MOSTINTeRESTTNO :

Chocolate : Bacteria Won' tTouch It ; Why Should You?

That's Trivial !Answers

1.

Albert Einstein2. Rend Descartes3. Archimedes4. Benjamin Franklin5. Arnold Schwarzenegger (as The

Terminator)6. Clint Eastwood (as Dirty Harry)7. George Bush8. Douglas MacArthur9. Kurt Preinsperg

10. Charlie Brown11.

Euclid, to Ptolem y12. John F. Kennedy, mutilating the

German language13.

Albert Einstein14. Isaac Newton15. Galileo Galilei, immediately

after his confession.16. Johannes Kepler17. Werner Von Brau n18.

Louis Pasteur19.

Galileo Galilei20. Ernest Rutherford

BQ: Pierre Trudeau, upon beingdefied that he could not invokethe War Measures Act.

Dik Miller, Private Eye-by Derek K. Miller -

I had just been rescued, along with hun -dreds of other people, from a CFC-pro-ducing factory in the Amazon rain forestby a group of U .S . military personnelwho had gotten lost on the way to Iraq.(That was for those of you who didn'tread the first four episodes of this spine -chilling drama . By the way, you misse dthe cool part, especially the vegetarian sbeing fed rain-forest beef on non-recy-clable styrofoam plates . Your loss .) Cur-rently we were on board a transport plane ,winging its way back to . . . well, back tosomewhere . We'd be able to get homefrom wherever it was, I was sure.

A low ranking officer was walk-ing between the rows and rows of rescu -ees, asking questions and taking notes ona clipboard . He nodded significantly ashe wrote in the way that only people whohave been trained specifically to kill otherpeople can. He arrived at my seat .

"Name and place of residence ,please?" he asked as politely as someonewho has been trained specifically to killother people can.

"Dik Miller, Private Eye," I said ."Vancouver, B .C."

lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots andoodles andoodlesandoodles and oodles and oodles andoodles andoodles andoodlesand t s a tons and tons and tons and tons a' ' ans ar ' s and t - 'dplenty at .lenty : 4 at -ty and -ty and plenty ;nty d p ty t . pit '

and gob id gob .a g ar • • d gobs ant'

nd gobs

gobs ant' asand loa end loa and ~d~ u .va..d and loac

is ^~'1 lot and .as andmultip ties an , ulti .ttltiplicitiesand .ltipl . .tdr iesand myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads and myriads an dexpanses and expanses and expanses and expanses and expanses and expanses an dglops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops and glops an dkaboodlesandk~' xdIP '1knil( td' -xx'' ~nI br

sandkaboodle sand scads and st ds ant ,ca 3 a

w s

s~ a . .,. ac ant,„_ is and scads and.coe . . .

beaucoup et aeaueoupet u..aucuup ctbezucottp et beaucoup etbeaucoup etueaucoupand masses and masses and masses and masses and masses and masses and masse sand lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots

Yes! That's right! Another contest! Just guess the numberof times the letter "a" appears in this issue of the paper —or would appear if the words "The 432 contests" weren't

in the way! Closest to the actual number wins !

(Ties will be broken by random draw. Keeners may spend all day counting

letters if they really want to . And the answer is not 432, so don't even thinkabout submitting that. Okay? Okay. )

•••First•prize•••Dinner•for•two•at•Cugini•Ristorante•• •••Second•prize•••A•Savings•Spree•Book• ••Third• prize••• A• Science• T-shirt •••••••••••Booby•prize•••A•Science•baseball•cap••••••••••

He paused in mid-write . "Where' sthat?"

"Canada . ""That's north, isn't it? ""Depends where you're measur-

ing from. If you're in Detroit, it 's south .In Alaska, it's east. "

He looked puzzled as only asomeone who has been trained specifi-cally to kill other people can . "You guyshave igloos there? "

"Uh, no," I replied. "We tie thehuskies up outside our snow caves ."

"Right. You'll probably be quiteuncomfortable where we're going, then . "He smiled as only someone who has beentrained specifically to kill other peoplecan .

"Where's that?""Saudi Arabia."My eyes widened . "What?! I

thought we were going to New York orsomething."

"No, no," he countered. "We havea mission, and we can't waste any time . "

I sighed. "You have the right map sthis time? We're not going to end up inAntarctica or something, are we?"

"Nope . The captain dug out hisOxford High School Atlas. We knowwhere we're going this time."

"Yeah," I said, picturing the lumpof spiced ground beef that must haveoccupied the cavity where his brain wa ssupposed to be. "How do we get home

-by Orvin Lau -Seeing that this issue of the paper come sout on Hallowe'en, I thought I'd write onsomething scary . Yes, there are thing srelated to Senate which cause all thesymptoms of fear. sleep loss, cold sweat,panic, excessive heart rates, and the like .They are known as midterms and exams .

Midterms: Most of you are proba-bly suffering from the burden of theseright now . . . but better now than later.Why? Just the word "midterm" implies atest in the middle of the term, not at th eend when exams are fast approaching .

Some years ago, Senate made aregulation that states that midterms maynot be held in the last two weeks ofclasses — which means that the last da yfor midterms this year is November 16 .However, there are a number of prof swho don't know about or ignore thi sregulation, so may be planning a midter mfor those last two weeks .

Should this be the case in yourclass, you can tell the prof to cancel themidterm, and s/he is obliged to do so .Although this means you can then pre-pare for exams and finish off term proj -ects, watch out for the Catch-22: if themidterm is cancelled, then your final examwill weigh more . You'll have to decidefor yourself which is worse.

If your prof won't cancel th emidterm despite your demands, let some -one know. (Like me .)

Exams : The preliminary exa mschedules are up. Check them now tomake sure you don't have a clash ; if youdo, immediately report it to the Regis-trar's Office .

I recently talked with the Regis-trar about difficulties in exam schedul-ing, and he gave me some info to pass on

from there? ""Beats me. Pay airfare, I guess .""But none of us have any money! ""Look, buddy," he scowled, a s

only someone who has been trained spe-cifically to kill people can, "it's not myproblem, okay? You'll have to find yourown way back to your stupid huskies andyour stupid snow cave."

"Thanks," I said as he stomped offto interview someone else .

I trudged over to the window ,watching the vast expanse of what mus thave been the Atlantic Ocean but lookedmore like a piece of tacky-coloured arbo-rite . Well, at least I would be able to ge ta tan . I resolved that when I got home Iwouldn't do any more of this stupid P.I.stuff, chasing after anti-environmenta lcriminals and nearly getting killed . MaybeI could get a job with UBC Food Serv-ices .

"Excuse me," said a soldier be -hind me . I turned and gasped.

"Angela Crisco! "

If you don't remember who Angela Cris -co is, read on next issue, and all wil lbecome clear to you. If you do . . . er . . .read it anyway . There'll be lots of funstuff and humourousparodies of the situ-ation in the Middle East . No really.

Derek K. Miller's Cap'n Crunch wentsoggy just as you were reading this . He' 1 1be after you now, and armed with a spoon .

to you. Should you find your exam sched -ule really bad, you could go to the Regis -trar's Office to complain . However, thebest approach is to go see your prof for th ecourse in question. If a large majority ofthe class wants the exam moved, it migh tbe done — but don't get your hopes up, asit's not easy scheduling exams withou tconflicts in the first place.

Despite all rumours, only clasheshave a formal policy. If you have toomany exams in too short a time, or anyother scheduling problem,youronly hopeis that most of your class has the sameproblem . Exams are never moved just tosuit one person .

Make sure you read the fmal examschedule, and make note of any changes.Missing an exam is known to cause fea rsymptoms unparalleled by those of theworse horror flicks, and can be fatal toyour academic health.

It seems students don't much likehow UBC's Remembrance Day holida yis on Friday, while everybody else's is onMonday. Although the original decisionwas made by the Committee of the Deans ,all academic dates ultimately requireSenate approval: every year, Senate ap-proves the next academic year's . Andwith all the protest, Remembrance Daywon't happen on a Friday again. (Butsomething good was done this year : thestart of second term was moved fromJanuary 2 to the next Monday, January 7 .)

Orvin Lau woke up one April morninglast year to discover his English 100 fina lwas already over. Having talked his wayback into UBC anyway, he now considersit his sacred mission in life to preven tother students (a superstitious, cowardlylot)from doing the same.

t

-- --

~ ._. :f : i%; i

°%

-

.~

' •

' +:i,j~

is

. .

Senate Shorts

The 432

6

October 31, 1.990

Practice Midterm s/

-~

*Prizes .

The GreatScience SportsT-Shirt Desig n

ContestContinues !$5 cash for each

reasonable entry(Limit 2/person)

PLUS :

(1st) A Science SportsJacket and T-shirt

(2nd) Science BoxerShorts and a T -Shirt

(3rd) A T -Shirt

Deadline is Friday ,November 9, 1990.

Bring your designs toCHEM 160 !

-by Catherine Rankel -OKAY! ! ! Here's the latest update onSUS business for all you keeners whoreally want to know . I'm not kiddingmyself into believing that you really wantto read this. I mean, I know that you'vebeen just dying to know what your stu-dent body has been spending your mone yand our time doing .

October 18th: We voted on a motionregarding policies for club budgets .Each club gets all of $2 per person in thedepartment it represents .

•Sports jackets will be availablefor purchase to anyone with more than 2 0points, at an undisclosed sum . It'll be atcost, oncewe know what cost is .

•Alan, our External Vice Presi-dent, has finally gotten commitment fo rtwo bands to appear at the upcomingdance on November 16th, One Big Unionand Sarcastic Mannequins. Tickets areon sale at SUS and the SUB Box Office.

•Clubs are planning their eventsand they're all worth looking out for —like the First Great Annual Micro GeekNight Out (November 23rd) or the sale o fBiochemistry, Pharmacology, and Physi -ology exams through the BPP club .

•And otherwise, meetings are hap -pening almost every day of the week tomake your life exciting and ours purehell .

-by Sean Kelly -Some two and a half weeks of midterm sstill remain in the fall term . To help yo uprepare for your next one, The 432 i spleased to be al:>le to supply several sampleexams. For each subject listed below, youhave 50 minutes; no calculators areallowed . Good luck. Write on one side ofthe page only. You may bring in one sheetof notes, double-sided.

BiologyIf a red-eyed female Drosophila withanorexia nervosa is crossed with a white-eyed male Gypsy moth with fetal alcoholsyndrome andIxisomy 3, what percentageof their progeny will be etherized in first-year Biology labs?

Bonus Question : How many genera-tions will it take to produce a one-eyed,one-homed, flying purple people eater?

History1. Columbus sailed on the Nina, the

Pinta, andtheSanta Maria. Explainhow the spacetime continuum o f1492 allowed him to be on thre eships at once.

2. What day of the week was it whenColumbus left? When he arrived ?

3. How many Indians saw Columbusland? Name them and outline thepsychological history of each.

October 25th : We passed a motionthrough Council. to make our own boxesto hold The 432 so you don't have to seeit spread out all over the floor. You'll geta clean, dry, neatly folded paper instea dof one that's moist, stepped-on, and half-missing.

-By-election results were ap-proved — do all. you Chem and Biolog ystudents know that you now have depart-mental reps?

-Also, a $500 loan for the BPPclub was approved, so they can go ahea dand start their old exam trade — see th eOctober 18th notes .

•A Senate report from Orvin re -minded us that any midterms schedule din the last two weeks of classes beforeexams are in violation of the University ' sCode and Bylaws. (This is a hint, MICB408 students!!! )

•Our Science Week meeting gen-erated two wonderful souls, Chris Singand Zubair Ladak, who will be respon-sible for the Blood Drive. This still leavesroom for a Trike Race Coordinator and aDisplays Coordinator — see the ad be-low.

•And Science Sales needs morerevenue, so get out and buy some SUSclothing!

More updates next issue — that's it fornow.

EngineeringWhy is italways a Volkswagen suspendedfrom the bridge? Does the owner know orwas he double-parked ?

EnglishDO EITHER

1. Find evidence from Shakespeare' swork to prove he had a lisp.

OR2. Show that the marriageofByron'sstyle and Coleridge's poetry would endin divorce .

Mathematics1 . a) If you only had 100 square metre sof wood and you wanted to build a barnwhich would hold the most Clearasil ,what is the point?

b) Explain why you couldn't affordanother ten square metres of wood .

c) Wouldn't hiring a professionalbuilder be easier?

Use one of Gauss' theorems to proveyour answer.

Bonus Question :

If you have time leftat the end of the exam, build the barn.

-by Trent Hammer -Due to midterms and assignments, thi sweek's AMS Briefs will be very brief.The meeting of October 17th went ahead ,and a few important motions went ahead .

•The Vancouver School of Theol-ogy voted a few weeks ago to join th eAMS, and is now represented by one sea ton Council. We welcomed the VST .

•Back in the Homecoming Pa-rade, some Engineers overturned the Artscar and bashed in the windows . The EUSwas billed for 80% of the cost of cleanup .The rest will be covered by the AMS .

•There's another new seat onCouncil, this one non-voting, fora Nativ eIndian rep . Sandy Doxtator is filling the

-by Ari Giligson-Many years ago -- two, in fact — I use tosit on AMS Council as Science rep. Itseemed to me then to be the most impor-tant organization at the University. Therewe were making important decisionsconcerning a great amount of money ;striking committees ; following Robert' sRules and sitting around an impressiveround table.

I would defend AMS points ofviews and decisions and read the vile rag(The Ubyssey) to see how they were slan-dering us and trying to tear down all thegood things we had put together. I went toall the AMS parties, drank the beer, at ethe munchies. I wasted much time whichmight have otherwise been used for m ystudies and I had a great deal of fun .

The funny thing is that although Irealize now how much fun I had duringmy stint at the AMS, I thought then thatmy work was relatively serious . Andoddly, many other councillors thought o ftheir work as even more serious and earth -shattering. The truth was that the most

PhilosophyIf eleven people are in a life raft whichcan only save ten people, who should b eelected to toss the smallest personoverboard?

Bonus Question :

Why isn't this pageintentionally blank?

Physic s1. What is the autoignition tem-

perature and flash point of a FordPinto?

2. a) Prove that if the speed of ligh tdecreased by 2%, only threepeople would care .

b) Who are they, and explain wh ythey have no social life.

PsychologyProve by profuse digression that i fSigmund Freud were alive today, he wouldown a Red Hot Video Store .

Sean Kelly is majoring in Chemistry ,which may cast some light on the other -wise inexplicable bias of this survey . Ofcourse, it might be just another phasehe's going through .

position .•All the referenda the other week ,

about the Health Plan, the SUB Con -course, and the increase in fees, failed tomeet quorum due to pitiful voter turnout .We accepted the results and didn't d oanything .

•Council voted to take the moneybudgeted for food for next meeting anddonate it to Unicef. Freeloaders, takenote!

•Kurt Preinsperg was voted sexi-est man alive. Really.

Trent Hammer buys purple felt markerswhenever there's a sale . He uses them totry to convince people he studies History .

useful things the AMS ever did were con-cerned with student social interactions ,not with any sociopolitical comments thatwe issued, or any anti- or pro-something -or-other committees that we struck .

So it has come to be that thesedays, the AMS takes itself far too seri-ously (in the great Canadian spirit oftaking minor things too seriously), andwhat's even more absurd is that someothers, especially some at The Ubyssey,have been duped into taking all this evenmore seriously. As far as I know, mos tstudent organizations were founded uponpurely social needs, ie . drinking, danc-ing, and meeting people .

These days I am greatly enter-tained by the AMS Council. I read Th eUbyssey for lighthumour (sometimes animportantissue actually surfaces, butmostfrequently in the "Letters" section) . Andcan anyone really complain about th e$40.00 fee? I mean, when you considerthe price of a movie or a video rental ,you'll realize that it's the best entertain-ment value in town.

WANTED !t ►, . . . .

CO-ORDINATORS FOR SCIENCE WEE K

•Trike Race•Displays

Please see Sandra Mah or leave a message in CHEM 160 .

An/LS Briefs

CommentAr i

The 432

October 31, 1990

Life after Chicklets

The Paper Monster-by Philip Ledwith-

As I go home each night to the comfort ofmy luxury hole (residence courtesy ofPlace Vanier), I am faced with a gnawin gdread. This irrational fear begins abou thalfway from the Physics building,grow-ing slowly as I make my way past th eMath buildings and cross West Mall . AsI come into sight of my house, my palm sare beginning to sweat, and I can hear m yown heart beating as I trepidly mount thestairs . Finally, with shaking hands, I forc emy key into the lock, take a deep breath ,and step once more into the world of th ePaper Monster.

The Paper Monster began its lif ein a humble fashion, as so many of thesethings do . I am sure you are aware of thesituation . It is a warm, lazy Septemberevening . The birds are singing sweetly i nthe trees, and you have just returned fromyour last class of the day. You open yourcheap and tatty plastic folder and spill thecontents onto your desk, seeking enlight-enment. Enlightenment, however, like sto go on holidays during term time, so al lthat you actually see is a collection o fentrails left by a spider that happened tocome across some of your note paper.After spending an hour or two attemtin gto dechipher these strange symbols (okay,maybe it was nearer ten minutes, but i twas a long ten minutes), you decide ,"These notes would really make load smore sense after going to the Pit/Benny' sBagels/wherever." So you go out to spen dthe last of the money that you don'tactually have, and in your room the dus tgathers about your berserk rantings onpaper. And the next day, the proces srepeats itself. And the day after that.

(Incidentally, Benny's Bagels i sstill the coolest place this side of th egalaxy to waste an evening, even no wthat the yuppies have moved in and yourcombined outfit costs less than the aver -age customer's crocodile-skin shoes .There are two reasons for this : first, by afreak of quantum mechanics, it is impos-sible to go to Benny's after midnight an dnot meet at least three friends unless youare a complete social dweeb; and sec-ondly, of course, they serve a totallyscrumdiddly New York cheesecake withhot berries and cream .)

And slowly, insiduously, a male-ftcentprescence enters into your discardedlecture notes . They begin to think on theirown, and they get ambitious.

The first time I began to noticesomething was amiss was the time I awokelate for a Physics 120 lecture, and discov -ered that my latest assignment had grownovernight to encompass early homini devolution, Northrop Frye, Schrodinger ' sequations, and the Kama Sutra. (Don' teven think about asking which coursethat came from.) The second time I beganto experience difficulties with the PaperMonster was the time it decided to cach eitself on my bed, depriving ne of sleepuntil such time as I could be bothered tomove it.

Of course, a creature as malign asthe Paper Monster could never be conten twith one mere room. In this respect, atleast, the Paper Monster has much i ncommon with the Garbage Monster i nthat it is not content just to be a nuisance ;it has to make sure that you know its anuisance. And to do this effectively, thePaper Monster has to expand and devouryour floor, the bed, the shelves, the clothesdrawers, and in fact anywhere at all thatyou really didn't want to see yet anotherspring-torque-vector-thingy equation .

And so my nightmare grows, cur-rently at the rate of about seventeen page sa day. I am unable to dislodge the PaperMonster from its lair, and neither am Iable to identify any of the material tha tmakes up its bulk anymore . It's life, Jim ,but not as we know it. So my point to allof you still considering an academic ca-reer out there is this : Beware! For whenthe moon is full the Paper Monster ven-tures forth from its hiding place to feas ton whatever delights are most essential t oyour midterm review, and to make yourlife a misery.

And now I shall return to that darkand lonely place where the world ends ,and soon I shall be placing an advertise-ment seeking somewhere else to hid efrom the Paper Monster.

PhilipLedwith isa foreign frosh who suc-cumbed early to Bloc Physsoc mindwip-ing experiments . He recently renounce downership of all paper products .

-by Elaine Wong -It all began in Kindergarten. I rememberit well. It occurred when Katie told methat baby chickens were called chicklets .I hate to think how long I believed her ,how many times I spread this new-foundknowledge to countless other people .After all, didn't it make sense to call babychickens chicklets ?

Over the years, I've been moreaware of what people tell me . It seem sthat they like to test intelligence by meas -uring your gullibility, saying somethin gsubtly ridiculous and noting the reaction .I know. I'm guilty of it too.

Sometimes the opportunity popsup for a good joke and you just can't bea rto let it go wasted. This summer in Rome ,for instance, my travelling companion sand I met up with a number of othertourists, and we started to travel togethe rto avoid being ambushed or pickpock-eted by gypsies . Anyway, it was after avery filling seven-course Roman fiestathat someone asked, "Where does spa-ghetti grow?"

The man seemed fine. His con-sciousness didn't seem to have been af-fected by the wine which seemed to gowith every meal we had in Europe . So Imumbled, "On trees, of course," andwonder of wonders, he believed me. Notonly that, but so did everyone else exceptmy own travelling group. Yes, they al lbelieved me, and wanted me to showthem a spaghetti tree.

Not wanting to reveal my joke ,my friends and I arranged to decorate acouple of fig trees with spaghetti trim-mings . While I proudly led my disciplesto view this "spaghetti tree," I fully ex-pected to be uncovered. Excitement roseas we neared the specimen. Camerasflashed, forever recording the spaghett itree, surely to be shown to friends andrelatives upon everyone's return home .

Of course, when I think about al lthe stories I've fallen for, I feel a blushrising as I imagine what a fool I must haveseemed. I mean, who would ever believethat a grape vine would grow out of yourskull if you ingested grape seeds? Me. Orthat Joan of Arc was an Anglican, evenafter spending a month on Bernard Sha win English Lit? Me. Or even that if I woreshoeboxes as shoes, my feet would stopgrowing, since the desire to outgrow m yshoes would disappear? Me .

More recently, I tried to look up"schmoo" in the encyclopaedia .

How strange I must have looked ,as I walked around in shoeboxes wonder-ing why Joan of Arc was fighting any -way. Ah, but those days are over. I'm stillwondering why Prince Rainier isn't calleda King, and why the British drive on theother side of the road, but now I'm afrai dto ask.

Elaine Wong thinks hamburgers are atype of food. Imean, can you believe that?Would you eat one of those things ?

Dentures left i nCoke overnigh t

will dissolve .Brush your teeth

after an all-nighter.A Public Service Message from the Staff of The 432

The 432

8

October 31, 1990