water from a deeper well © (novel)

7/25/2019 WATER FROM A DEEPER WELL (NOVEL)

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WATER FROM A DEEPER WELLA Novel by Dick Croy


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WATER FROM A DEEPER WELL

To Wayne Cook, my wife Joy, andto all true dowsers in te world!

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Lafayette, Ohio, gets its drinking water from seven municipal wells sunk into sedimentarysand and gravel of the Thothwillow River (that's Shawnee for "right horn"!, which flows intothe Ohio River here #ity Service $irector $ean #hannel has %ust een informed of a seriouscontamination prolem in &ell Si

"&e've never had any contamination in these wells efore," declares $ean as if precedent

alone will make the pollution disappear, "not the kind of contamination you're talking aout&hat the hell's the name of this stuff again Tetrachlor"

"Tetrachloroethylene," offers Russ ('Rusty' naturally! )awcett, the city water director"*#+ t's a solvent used in the cleaning industry"

"Like a dry cleaner you mean There's never een a dry cleaner here y the Thothwillowthat know of"

"&ell, it used to e used in diesel fuel and fire etinguishers too""There's a comination for you," says $ean, grimacing "So how'd it get here""-eats us, $ean #ould have een uried here years ago or dumped somewhere neary

fairly recently There's a gas well on the .indley property, the other side of the softall field,aout /00 feet away 1 the $epartment of 2atural Resources' Oil and 3as $ivision is taking

some soil samples over there"4nd rememer that tractor5trailer that spilled tar on *utnam 4venue last summer

&e're tryin' to find out what was used to clean that up &e're also using metal detectors to seeif we can locate some kind of underground storage tank"

"&hat aout the river #ouldn't it e coming from the river""That's what we thought at first -ut, fortunately, &ell Si is the only one contaminated

so far 1 and it's the farthest of all seven wells from the river""&ell, guess that rules out the river""Looks like it"Lafayette is an historic community of tourism and agriculture, surrounded y industrial

plants which rely on the Ohio River for its water and cheap transportation $ean #hannel is

well5liked and respected y the city's employees &ithout shirking his own workload, heallows managers to run their departments pretty much the way they see fit, as long as they getthe %o done and stay out of troule The latter is no small task with vigilant tapayers on thelookout for misuse of their hard5earned money 1 or, worse, their eing unnecessarilyinconvenienced in its application, as in the city's seemingly never5ending street repairs $eancan see oth sides of most disputes and is rightly considered indispensale y the city'spopular female mayor -orrowing from the technology that has situated all these plants upand down the Ohio, you might think of $ean as city government's primary cooling tower

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"6ou're sure none of the other wells are polluted" he asks the water director"2ot so far, and we're monitorin' 'em awful close""6ou keep saying 'so far'7 what're the odds this could spread""#an't say &ell Si tests out at 88 parts per illion 1 that9s not a dangerous level, even

though this isa poison we're talking aout ')atal if inhaled, swallowed or asored throughthe skin,' according to Transportation's ha:ardous materials ooklet"";esus #hrist""#ourse we shut the well down right away""6ou said test wells are necessary to locate the contamination source &hat the hell's all

this going to cost""$epends on how many we have to drill 1 fifteen5 to twenty5thousand dollars to start &e

need you to ask council for emergency legislation to drill four test wells around 2umer SiThat should tell us which direction the chemical's coming from Once we know that, weoughta e ale to epand out in that direction and eventually locate the source"

"That's not as much as was afraid of 1 if it works &ho would the drilling contract e

with""#apital $rilling, out of #olumus< they're supposed to e one of the est in the state""4nd if they're unsuccessful"The water director sighs, his epression a clear warning that he's putting his oss on

notice "&ell, right now we can get along with one well down without too much prolem -utgive us a couple a dry months and we may have to add another shift 1 pump from midnight tosi Or drill a new well, at a cost of =/0,000 or so"

The two men walk toward the city vehicle they arrived in "4nd if we don't find the sourceof contamination the first time out we'll have to drill more test wells," $ean says, thinkingaloud

"&hich still isn't the worst that could happen," the director replies

$ean stops and turns to him, to make his net >uestion une>uivocally direct"Thecontamination could spread to the other wells, you mean""That and the fact that we may have to close the softall field for the rest of the summer

f the first wells don't tell us anything, we may have to dig the net ones out in right field"t takes $ean a moment to reali:e that the completion of his report has resurrected the

director's dry sense of humor $ean plays along with him"#ouldn't we call anything hit to right field an out"The director shakes his head in mock seriousness "That might work okay in slo5pitch,

ut we're talkin' aout guys 1 most of 'em right5handed hitters 1 who could no more pull apitch with some heat on it than they can see past their eer guts to the inside of home plate"

"&orse than thought," $ean chuckles "&e do have a crisis on our hands""4fter that oil slick came down the river last year," replies the director, turning serious

again, " figured with our own wells drilled into an a>uifer here we were safe 4ll those citiesup and down the Ohio having to uy their water somewhere else for weeks, and all we had toworry aout was keepin' our oats clean"

"2oody's invulnerale any more are they Let's find this $o whatever you have to tomake sure it doesn't spread"

$ean pauses a moment to look over at &ell Si's pale green steel superstructure< a

twenty5foot piece of industrial sculpture enclosed in #yclone fencing and surmounted y a

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steel5mesh catwalk t looks the same as the other si along the riverank &hat if a few

months from now they areall identical #ontaminated ?nfit for use ;ust the thought of it

makes him shudder

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1COR% ROC%&ER

'ere ( am, dri)in* ome from te offi+e, eausted more from de-ression tan a *oodard day.s work and not for te first time fantasi/in* an im-ulsi)e 0erk of te weel to sendmy Ma/da at+1a+k swer)in* a+ross te road into some ill2fated on+omin* )ei+le! At tesame time re+o*ni/in* my des-air for its selfis transient nature and Lilli-utian s+ale in tes+eme of tin*s 3 tou* no less real for all tat 3 and knowin* full well tat te oter

dri)ers on tis two2lane souteast Oio i*way are -erfe+tly safe, from me and my mor1idfantasy at least! Remem1erin* a*ain, too, my -reo++u-ation wit sui+ide as a -ossi1lesolution to ad0ustment -ro1lems in +olle*e! ( didn.t take su+ tou*ts too seriously teneiter, tou* ( e)entually 4uit s+ool not on+e 1ut twi+e and ne)er did *raduate!

Li)in* now wit Carlotta, ( remind myself for te undredt time sin+e mo)in* in a littleo)er a year a*o, ( a)e no real san+tuary now, no -la+e to +ome ome to were in se+lusion (+an li+k te festerin* wound of s-endin* te *reater -art of my day doin* work ( loate, wit-eo-le ( a)e a1solutely no desire to 1e wit! Poor 1astard! 5elf2-ity.s a mantra ray in tede-ts of te mind, -oisonous tail la+eratin* its own tin skin! My 1leak mood is notim-ro)ed wen ( dri)e u- to te usual +orus of Carlotta.s furiously 1arkin* do*s!

6Pineal 1rains,6 ( mutter to myself as Tom lifts is le* 1eside my left2rear tire and

aluminum2alloy weel! A+tually ( like all ei*t of Carlotta.s +urrent mena*erie indi)idually7it.s 0ust en massetat tey.re ard to take, es-e+ially tese +lamorous and self2im-ortant*reetin*s! (t took me weeks to learn to -low trou* teir midst wit er +onfident a-lom1!6Don.t worry, tey.ll *et out of your way,6 se ke-t assurin* me, 1ut ( +ouldn.t sto- ima*inin*te orri1le feelin* of one of teir +rused 1odies momentarily liftin* one side or te oter ofwi+e)er )ei+le ( was dri)in*, nor el- wonderin* ow se.d rea+t if in followin* erad)i+e ( a--ened to kill one of er animals!

5e.s 1een ri*t so far7 now ( ardly e)en slow down as do*s sur*e around te +ar like awa)e 1reakin* armlessly a*ainst my ankles!

( sto- to ru1 noses wit Tina, Tom.s -retty -art2se-erd sister, *i)in* er ears a-erfun+tory ru1 as well, and se sin*s to me a--ily! 5-ike, too, *ets my attention and *runts

is a--re+iation wile te oters s4uare off wit one anoter, 0aws -layfully interlo+ked orfastened affe+tionately around a forele*, and te wole -a+k drifts off toward te sade of te1a+k yard!

Carlotta.s in te kit+en -re-arin* tis e)enin*.s ma+ro meal 3 tat.s sort for6ma+ro1ioti+6, te s-e+ial diet em-asi/in* *rains tat as 1een er reli*ion and way of lifefor se)eral years now! We e+an*e a kiss and a few words of *reetin* 3 as few as -ossi1le asfar as (.m +on+erned7 te last tin* ( want to do is talk a1out te misera1le day (.m fleein*!Carlotta, on te oter and, is +eerful and ener*eti+ as usual and not really e-e+tin* me to

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ela1orate! 5e.s already started te ri+e 3 1rown of +ourse 3 in te -ressure +ooker and is1lendin* te meat of a lar*e /u++ini from er *arden wit onions, e**s, *arli+ and Parmesan!5tuffed 1a+k into its skin, ten sli+ed and 1aked wit 1read +rum1s and a little oli)e oil, tisdeli+a+y of Carlotta.s as 1e+ome one of my fa)orite summer dises!

( stand tere listenin* to er +atter a1out wat te do*s and orses a)e 1een u- to today3 ow er ride went on 9ueen Anne, er 1it+y, neuroti+ Ara1 mare, and ow 5idney is-ro*ressin* under er dressa*e trainin* 3 and am stru+k on+e a*ain 1y Carlotta.s stron*-resen+e! 5e as an aristo+rati+, almost re*al 1earin*, tem-ered 1ot wit te *ra+e of tedan+er se still is in er late :;.s and te ro1ust, +ildlike en0oyment se etra+ts from life!Tou* ( a)e o++asionally found myself mar)elin* at wat te less dis+ernin* mi*t see asomeliness in er features or e-ression in a -arti+ular li*t, tis is lar*ely 1e+ause most ofte time (.m entralled 1y Carlotta


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er! Ten for a lon*, etended moment ( seem to 1e aware of e)erytin*, *ood and 1ad, tatas a--ened 1etween us o)er te last tree years! ( 1e+ome so filled wit lo)e andtankfulness tat my eart feels as if it.s e-andin*! My eyes e)en 1e*in to tear 3 tis isa*ood meditation@

Ten te emotion, te reali/ation tat -rom-ted it, *radually su1side, o)erwelmed 1ydis-assionate refle+tion, memory fra*ments, some of tem -ainful7 te annoyin*, +om-ulsi)emantri+ -rases wit wi+ ( reassure myself, like a man fin*erin* -rayer 1eads or 0an*lin*-o+ket +an*e! And finally te analyti+ fa+ulty itself is roused from slum1er and 1e*ins to-rowl trou* my mind, findin* fault ere, tere 3 almost e)erywere it looks!

>a+k to te real world, were in fa+t all is not well wit ma 1a1y and me! Te tears of*ratitude a moment a*o may a+tually a)e s-run* from te -ersisten+e of wat.s *ood a1outour relationsi- in te fa+e of some serious -ro1lems 1etween us! 5u+ -ersisten+e issometin* (.)e ne)er 1een )ery *ood at, made -ossi1le in tis +ase 1y Carlotta.s )ariousstren*ts in addition to my own desire to trans+end -re)ious limitations, to 1reak a -attern(.)e +ome to re+o*ni/e in te way ( make and 1reak relationsi-s wit women! ( ad ne)er

anti+i-ated meetin* someone like Carlotta ere in my ometown, were ( nai)ely o-ed toremain only lon* enou* to sell te family 1usiness 1efore returnin* to California! Two years,( told my friends on te West Coast!

(.d 1een 1a+k for se)eral monts, *rimly tryin* to 1e+ome enou* of a 1usinessman tone*otiate te sale of te +om-any, wen ( was in)ited to a ma+ro -otlu+k 1y te owners of tetown.s only ealt food store and restaurant! ( wasn.t really entusiasti+, 1ut swimmin* ad1een mentioned 3 ( assumed from a do+k in te Oio Ri)er 3 and te summer ad 1een lon*,ot and umid! Wy not?

Fortunately te dire+tions were *ood or (.d a)e 1een +ertain tis was te wron* -la+e as( turned off te i*way at te entran+e to a wooded area tat ad te look and feel of anestate a1out it! (f anytin*, an effort ad 1een made to +on+eal rater tan announ+in* tis!

Around ere many farms are surrounded 1y forest on a -ri)ate, often *ated road7 1ut ( felt te-resen+e of more tan a rusti+ farmouse or 6+ountry +ontem-orary6 at te end of tis *ra)eldri)e!

A undred yards or so from te i*way it di)ided and, -era-s to delay my arri)al at aso+ial *aterin* ( was 1e*innin* to sus-e+t ( ad *reatly underestimated, ( took te 1ran+tat des+ended to te ri)er and a 1road e-anse of 1ottomland! 5ure enou*, ere was a ridin*rin*, a do+k and an un+o)ered -a)ilion tat +ould seat a undred or more -eo-le, 1ut no si*nof a -otlu+k for a few friendly and un-retentious ealt food folks! ( turned around and tookte i* road tis time!

(t +lim1ed away from te i*way a1o)e a ro+k2strewn +reek 1ed tat was dry now inlate Au*ust! 5oon ( s-otted a small neat 1arn on te left and, 1eyond a air-in turn, a wide*reen lawn laid out wit or+ard, sade trees and flower *ardens around a massi)e stoneouse tat would a)e 1een admired 1y tourists in te En*lis +ountryside! 5urely des-ite mydire+tions and te si*ns of a -arty ofsomekind, tis was te wron* -la+e!

>ut ( +ouldn.t )ery well sto- ere and 1a+k all te way down tis lon* -ri)ate dri)e to te1ottom of te ill7 ( ad no +oi+e 1ut to +ontinue on, 1ra)in* te i+y stares of teundou1tedly au*ty +ountry2+lu1 ty-es -reenin* for one anoter around tis ats1y2likemansion until ( found a -la+e to turn around!

Ten ( noti+ed as ( +ame on u- te ill tat te +ars ( +ould see weren.t all tat fan+y7 one


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or two in fa+t were real sleds! Tis must1e te ri*t -la+e 3 as some -art of my mind ad1een ner)ously aware all alon*! ( found a -la+e to -ark and, oldin* te 1i* 1owl of fruitsalad (.d 1rou*t wit me, sur)eyed te s+ene from a distan+e! Tere were may1e twenty or so-eo-le, a few of wom ( re+o*ni/ed and all dressed as +asually as ( was, +on*re*ated 1eneat

a +ano-y of 1eautiful 1i* oak trees around a -i+ni+ ta1le laden wit food! ( +ould see a lar*eswimmin* -ool in te 1a+k*round 3 so mu+ for muddin* it out in te ri)er, wi+ was allri*t wit me!

( took a dee- 1reat and 1e*an to feel reallll *ood! Tere were se)eral attra+ti)e womenere wo a--eared to 1e alone 3 women ( ne)er e)en knew eisted in tese -arts all te time(.d 1een ser)in* my family -enan+e, not 4uite in +eli1a+y 1ut +ertainly not amon* a +oterie ofinterestin*, attra+ti)e female friends su+ as (.d known in L!A! eiter!

(n fa+t, tere were too manyinterestin* -eo-le, of 1ot sees and all a*es, around to+onfront all at on+e! ( wandered o)er, smilin* )a*uely at fa+es 1ot familiar and unknown tome, and de-osited my +ontri1ution amon* an una--eti/in* assortment of letally ealtful2lookin* dises, noti+in* wit satisfa+tion tat my fruit salad was te only one ere!

( sin*led out Carlotta as te -ro1a1le ostess ri*t away= a tall slender 1londe woman-oised and so-isti+ated2lookin*, a1out my a*e, oldin* +ourt amidst a small +ir+le ofadmirers 3 none of wom a--eared to a)e taken note of my arri)al! ( asked a woman (re+o*ni/ed weter se tou*t it would 1e all ri*t if ( made a self2dire+ted tour of te*rounds!

6(.m sure Carlotta wouldn.t mind,6 se re-lied, 6as lon* as you stay outside!6Carlotta looked o)er at me wit mild +uriosity as ( immediately left te *aterin* (.d 0ust

0oined, to *o e-lorin*! ( ad de+ided 1efore lea)in* ome tat a ma+ro1ioti+ -otlu+k wit a1un+ of ealt food entusiasts was definitely an e)ent tat would 1enefit from a little er1alem1ellisment! And now te s-e+ta+ular natural settin* of Carlotta.s estate was +allin* mefrom se)eral dire+tions at on+e!

Te ouse and *rounds o++u-ied te to- of a ill and rid*eline o)erlookin* te Oio!Dire+tly a+ross te ri)er, 1i/arrely enou*, was a fa+tory +om-le wi+ (.d *et to know anddetest 3 altou* wit nowere near Carlotta.s intensity 3 later! At tis time of year itsune-e+ted intrusion was masked 1y te -rofusion of trees on er -ro-erty! ( strolled aroundto te nort side of te ouse for te )iew u-ri)er!

(t was unreal= like a lands+a-e 1y one of te *reat En*lis or early Ameri+an masters!Plowed fields and *reen meadows *irdled wit ti+k stands of ardwood forest! (.m notea**eratin* wen ( +om-are it to a -aintin*7 6*irdled6 was a word tat +ame to me as ( stoodtere *a-in*!B 'ere and tere te sun simmerin* off standin* water and small +reeksmeanderin* toward te Oio! And in te distan+e, a *ood tree miles as te +row flies, te+lo+k tower of te +ounty +ourtouse! ( stood tere mar)elin* tat in all my years of *rowin*u- in tis area ( ad ne)er e-erien+ed a s+ene like tis!

Wen ( finally *ot around to so+iali/in*, ( learned tat Carlotta ad 1een a dan+er in &ew#ork for se)eral years, ten after a +areer2endin* in0ury ad +ome ome to start er ownmodern dan+e +om-any! Te few of us still around at te end of te -arty *ot to see ta-es ofsome of te dis1anded +om-any.s -erforman+es! Tou* re+e-ti)e to 1allet, West ir*iniaand 5outeastern Oio are not ea+tly 1astions of modern dan+e!B

(n er ea*erness to sow er work, tem-ered 1y years of disa--ointment at te la+k ofinterest it ad re+ei)ed ere, ( felt a kindred s-irit! And in er dire+t *a/e from eyes at on+e

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-roud and um1led ( tou*t ( dete+ted some re+o*nition of tis! >y te time ( left ( knew (ad met one of te -eo-le you +an +ount on your fin*ers wo will mean a *reat deal in yourlife!

Tree years a)e -assed sin+e ten7 we.re in te middle of te summer a*ain! (.)e

e-erien+ed ow in te winter te industrial -lants a+ross te ri)er stand out in all teir arsalien s4ualor! 'ow e)ery two or tree weeks year2round te wind +an*es to waft teir -utrid-etro+emi+al odors o)er Carlotta.s )ir*in a+res! Wen er *randfater 1uilt tis ma*nifi+entsow-la+e it was surrounded 1y forest and farmland7 te fa+tories +ame later! Many are tetimes se as reminded me of tis!


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G( don.t know were Carlotta s-ends more time, in te kit+en or er 1arn, 1ut se.s more

at ome in eiter tan anywere else! (f se.s not em1roiled in ouse+leanin*, wi+ se takes+are of entirely on er own se as full2time el- for te *roundsB or eer+isin* in front ofte mirror in er enormous +atedral21eamed li)in* room, tis is were you.re most likely tofind er 3 1akin* /u++ini 1read or mu+kin* out stalls, usually surrounded 1y er do*s!

Wen ( +ome 1a+k downstairs fi)e of tem are s-rawled out in teir fa)orite s-ots on te*leamin* red oak floor and te dila-idated +ou+ in front of te fire-la+e wi+ ne)er fails todistress er elderly aunts on teir infre4uent oliday )isits! Tou* te do*s a)e wre+ked it,

Carlotta lea)es te +ou+ in te s-a+ious kit+en to kee- tem from *ettin* underfoot wilese.s workin*! Te do*s li)e ere, er aunts don.t!5tuffy, er fa)orite, a -ud*y 1la+k -art2+o+ker s-aniel, follows me wit a sus-i+ious

1rown eye from te window seat, er e+lusi)e territory! 5tuffy.s te only one 3 of te do*sanyway, (.m still not too sure of Carlotta.s dau*ter Emily 3 wo still asn.t +om-letelya++e-ted my mo)in* in! Lar*ely 1e+ause 5tuffy.s neuroti+ 0ealousy as aroused te fiendisteasin* side of my nature often enou* tat se wouldn.t trust me any sooner tan se.d allowanoter of te do*s to sare er window seat! >ut e)en 5tuffy and ( *et alon*! We a)e anunderstandin*= ( wouldn.t dream of interferin* wit Carlotta.s outra*eous -am-erin* of er,wile 5tuffy, on te oter and, as 1e*rud*in*ly allowed me to take er -la+e 1eside Carlottaat ni*t! 5e slee-s now in a +air 1eside te 1ed!

Dinner.s a1out ready and Carlotta as set te ta1le for two7 Emily eats wit us onlyo++asionally! Like most teena*ers se -refers er own food, tou* se.s no more re-elled 1y

Carlotta.s ma+ro diet etremes tan is te a)era*e adoles+ent 1y te ty-i+al fare of more

ordinary -arents! Emily.s 1een 1rou*t u- on 1rown ri+e and a/uki 1eans, after all, and re0e+ts

tem now only on -rin+i-le, in te same way er -eers turn u- teir noses at meatloaf!

6'a)e a *ood meditation?6 asks Carlotta!6(t wasa *ood one,6 ( re-ly, stret+in*! 6( tou*t of us, amon* oter tin*s!66O? Tat must a)e 1een interestin*! Wat a1out .us.?65e.s standin* at te sink7 ( +ome u- 1eind er and -ut my arms around er! 6Just some

of te tin*s we.)e 1een trou* to*eter!!!and ow mu+ ( +are for you,6 ( say, kissin* er onte ear! 5e sto-s wat se.s doin* and leans 1a+k a*ainst me for a moment, allowin* me toinale te leater and ay and skin2lotion s+ent ( asso+iate wit er! ( take a slender wrist inea+ and and kiss er li*tly on te +eek1one, tastin* te salty film of -ers-iration on erfine skin, and se twists around from te i-s to offer me er li-s! 'er 1ody is so lim1er sedoes tis wit ease, +losin* er eyes and smilin* 1efore returnin* to wate)er it is se.s doin*in te sink! ( slide my ands down to massa*e te 1a+ks of er ti*s trou* er 0eans!

(t.s ironi+ tat wile ( stand ere en0oyin* te warmt tat as 0ust sur*ed into my eart,(.m also askin* myself weter Carlotta is disa--ointed tat a moment earlier ( said 6+are for6

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instead of lo)e! 5e noti+ed it, (.m sure7 se noti+es e)ery su+ omission 3 often, it seems tome, to te e+lusion of anytin* -ositi)e tat may a)e a++om-anied it! >ut te warmt (.mfeelin* toward er o)erwelms my self24uestionin*, my *uilt if tat.s wat it is! Te feelin* iswat.s im-ortant!

Tis is wat ( a+tually e-erien+e of lo)e now= random, transient flowerin*s of emotionwi+ +ome and *o s-ontaneously! Te rest is all 0ust words 3 words and +on+e-ts, worda++retions!

Wen we started seein* ea+ oter and ( was determined to win Carlotta.s relu+tant eart,it was easy to say, 6( lo)e you,6 1e+ause wen se was in my arms ( +ould feelwat se wasdoin* to me, wat se was 1rin*in* into my life! ( e-ressed te emotion and said te wordwit all te +on)i+tion in te world, not only 1e+ause ( knew ( s-oke te trut 1ut 1e+ause itfelt sogoodto say it!

Te fa+t tat se looked askan+e at me wen ( dared to utter tis fri*tenin* ma*i+alword so loaded wit te detritus of te eart, to s-eak it wit su+ 1ra/en and insou+iantassuran+e so early in our friendsi-, only s-urred me on! Far from 1ein* intimidated 1y er

unwillin*ness, er onest refusal, to re+i-ro+ate 3 to say wat se erself wasn.t feelin* 3 (de+lared my lo)e wit enou* feelin* for 1ot of us!(f ( re+klessly 1andied te 6L6 word a1out for te -ure 0oy of sarin* it wit a woman

a*ain after so lon*, ( don.t tink ( +an 1e a++used of e-loitin* it to win Carlotta.s eart! Forour lo)e2makin*, +aste as it still was in te 1e*innin*, was in)aria1ly followed or -re+eded1y lon* sessions of!!!ne*otiation, ( *uess you.d a)e to +all tem, in wi+ Carlotta arti+ulateder demands! 5e.d 1een on er own for a lon* time now and wasn.t at all sure se wanted tomake a +an*e, definitely not unless ( was really serious a1out er, not 0ust lookin* for watse dismissed as 6romanti+ ad)enture!6 And ( told er ri*t at te start, at te risk of0eo-ardi/in* our relationsi- 1efore it ad e)en ad a +an+e to 1e*in= wen you really lo)esomeone it.s 0ust 1etween you and you! Te only real +ommitment in)ol)ed is te one you

make, and kee-, wit yourself!( sared tis wit er 3 tis ard kernel of HwisdomI (.d +ome a+ross in my wanderin*s inte wilderness 3 knowin* full well tat it.s ardly te sort of tin* a diffident lo)er e-e+ts toear! ( wanted er to see as many sides of me as -ossi1le! (f ( was willin* to sare tis4uestiona1le re)elation wit er ri*t u- front, ten my de+laration of lo)e must 1e *enuinetoo, ri*t? >ut more im-ortantly, te talismani+ -rase, 6(t.s 0ust 1etween you and you,6 asdone wonders in el-in* me re+on+ile all te earta+e (.)e e-erien+ed7 ( tou*t, nai)ely,tat Carlotta, wo.d 1een li)in* a life of a1stinen+e ato- er ill for years, mi*t see itssalutary ma*i+ as well! 6Tat.s te most selfis tin* ( e)er eard,6 se said wen ( introdu+ed er to te idea!6(.m *lad you told me if tat.s ow you really feel, 1e+ause ( don.t want any -art of tat kindof relationsi-! Tat.s te way ( ended u- li)in* in &ew #ork 3 in self2defense! ( took wat (wanted and made no 1ones a1out it! >ut ( don.t want to li)e like tat anymore! (.m too +ontentere wit Emily and my animals to *et su+ked 1a+k into tat kind of life!6

We.re on a 1lanket in front of te u*e fire-la+e in er i*2+eilin*ed li)in* room, itso-en 1eams and most of its ele*ant faded furniture lost in sadow! O1)iously desi*ned 1y er*randfater for entertainin*, te lar*e room is used 1y Carlotta -rimarily for er strenuousdaily workouts!

6Wy is it so selfis?6 ( ask! 6( don.t tink you understand wat (.m sayin*! To me, tis is


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te se+ret of su++ess 1etween two -eo-le7 it.s an a+knowled*ment tat no one +an urt you 1utyourself!6

6(.m not afraid of *ettin* urt,6 se says indi*nantly, er 1rown eyes flasin*, 6tat.s notte -oint! Wy sould ( +an*e my way of life for someone wose only +ommitment is to

imself? (.)e already known enou* -eo-le like tat to last a lifetime! (f tat.s all you a)e tooffer, Cork, ten no tanks, (.ll +ontinue to *et alon* fine on my own!66#ou.re misinter-retin* wat ( said, Carlotta,6 ( -atiently re-ly, well aware tat ( asked

for tis 1y 1rin*in* it u- in te first -la+e! 6#ou asked me for a +ommitment and (.)e already*i)en it to you! ( told you, (.m more tan willin* to make our relationsi- mono*amous iftat.s wat you want! >ut as for te future, wo +an say wat will a--en 1etween us? Weardly know ea+ oter yet, 1ut neiter of us as mu+ of a tra+k re+ord were lon*2termrelationsi-s are +on+erned!

6(.m not talkin* a1out my +ommitment at te moment7 (.m talkin* a1out yours 3 toyourself! (.m su**estin* tat you *o into tis 3 a relationsi- wit me, ( mean 3 not on te1asis of weter or not (.m *oin* to lo)e you, or lo)e you enou*, or lo)e you in te ri*t

way or wate)er!!!1ut on te 1asis of ow youreally feel! Tis relationsi- is foryou, tesame as te ones in &ew #ork you were talkin* a1out! (f tere.s a differen+e tis time it.ll 1e1e+ause you want more out of tis one! And ow are you *oin* to *et it? 1y -uttin* more intoit! #ou see wat ( mean?6

Fireli*t and er )olatile emotions -lay a+ross Carlotta.s e-ressi)e fa+e! Te defensi)ean*er in er eyes 1e+omes indi*nation, ten a frank -lea for onesty, +larity= el- meunderstand you, it says!

6Don.t you see, it all de-ends on you,6 ( tell er, takin* er slender work2tou*enedands in mine! 6Any weakness or tou*tlessness of mine +an.t urt you, on+e you.re reallya1le to see tat you.re ultimately doin* tis for you 3 and (.m doin* it for me! (f you find tat(.m not u- to te kind of lo)e you want, you don.t a)e to inter-ret tat as some kind of

1etrayal! #ou +an sim-ly see it as it is 3 a defi+ien+y in +ara+ter or wate)er 3 and walkaway, witdraw your +ommitment!!!!Do you see wat (.m tryin* to say?6( +an.t ask you 3 and (.m notaskin* you, Carlotta 3 to do anytin* 1ut wat.s ri*t for

you, wate)er tat turns out to 1e! ( trust you 1e+ause tat.s all (.m e-e+tin* from you! (f (+oose to lo)e you, tat.s my 1usiness7 ( a)e notin* to 1lame you for later if you de+ide youwant sometin* or someone else!6

( +an see tat Carlotta.s tryingto +om-reend wat (.m *ettin* at! At te same time, 1ynow ( don.t know weter (.m makin* any sense or not! Do ( reallywant a relationsi- towork tis time, or sin+e te last one ( royally s+rewed u- a)e ( worked out some kind ofela1orate rationali/ation wit te dual -ur-ose of convincingme ( do wile simultaneously+o)erin* my ass? (t seems to me (.)e +au*t more tan a wiff of 1ullsit in all tis talk!

Carlotta seems to a)e read my mind! 6Wy are you so intent on -rote+tin* me 3 onsieldin* me from you and your tou*tlessness and weakness, as you -ut it? Do you tink (need -rote+tion? Are you really tat 1ad 3 or areyoute one you.re really -rote+tin*? All tissounds to me like notin* more tan a fan+y way to 0ustify not makin* a +ommitment! >utyou +an.t e-e+t me to look at life te way you do 0ust to make tin*s easier for you!6

6!!!&o, of +ourse not,6 ( si*, feelin* mentally eausted, fu//y2eaded all at on+e! 6(.mtryingto +ommuni+ate to you ow ( feel, 1ut ( know (.m not doin* a )ery *ood 0o1 of it ri*tnow! Let.s 0ust sut u- for a wile!6

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6Tat.s te 1est idea you.)e ad all ni*t!6Tis 1rin*s smiles to 1ot of us! Meanwile, te sutdown of my mind is allowin* me to

feel te ener*y Carlotta and ( +an *enerate 1etween us! (n no time te 1ri*t +ra+klin* flamesin er enormous fire-la+e 1urn trou* te defenses we.)e 1een ere+tin* all e)enin* and we

find oursel)es wanderin* a*ain in te mysterious, e+itin* new world we.re dis+o)erin*to*eter!

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$T'E MA%(& OF A DOW5ER

Walter >arry.s 5tory

( +ame from lum1er territory down in Florida, a town +alled 5annon! My fater was inte lum1er 1usiness and we li)ed in a real rou* en)ironment! A 1un+ of ard rou* -eo-le

worked in tat mill 3 at least fifteen undred +olored -eo-le and a1out $;; wite -eo-le 3and te lum1er +am- was all tat was tere! Of +ourse te town was *one years a*o, tetim1er was all +ut out!

(n K durin* te flu e-idemi+ of World War ( wen my fater and 1roter and twosisters and ( were all down flat on our 1a+ks wit te flu, my moter -a+ked u- and mo)edout on us 3 0ust left us all tere to die, as far as se was +on+erned! ( *uess tis was te1e*innin* of a e+k of a lot of -sy+olo*i+al stuff in my life! ( was ei*t ten7 ( was 1orn in; on te tent of O+to1er= ;;;!

(t.s -retty ard for four +ildren and a 1usy fater to *et alon*, so tey started farmin* meout to 1oardin* s+ools and relati)es! ( stayed wit aunts and un+les and *randmoters, and (was always on te outer frin*e of someone else.s family, ne)er a -art of it, ne)er feelin* tat (1elon*ed to anyone in -arti+ular! My moter mo)ed to Ala1ama and ad to +ome 1a+k andsteal my older 1roter out of s+ool as a witness in er di)or+e +ase! (t was sti+ky!

( was a ard worker and kind of a loner too! ( always took u- wit some old +olored manlike te i+eman or te 1la+ksmit! ( looked u- to te older ones and un* around tem, and (*uess ( -i+ked u- a lot of knowled*e, a lot of tat old2time wisdom in tat way!

At a1out te a*e of : ( was sent to a 1oardin* s+ool in Mont)erde and 1y tat time (ad *rown u- -ysi+ally! ( was way a1o)e te normal si/e for tat a*e and doin* a lot of+asin* around wit some of te *irls from s+ool! ( ended u- *ettin* +au*t in te *irls.dormitory wit a *irl from Jonson City, Tennessee! Moter Paris +au*t us and ( +e+kedout 1efore mornin*!

( was +ra/y a1out te o+ean, te ulf, so ( it+iked o)er to Tar-on 5-rin*s on te west+oast +lose to 5t! Peters1ur*! ( un* around o)er tere for two or tree days until ( s-otted alittle fisin* )essel in te ar1or and went down to te -ier and *ot a+4uainted wit teowner, a reek fiserman! ( talked im into a 0o1 1y tellin* im ( was an or-an wo didn.ta)e anywere else to *o!

We went out to te sna--er 1anks, a1out ; miles from Tar-on 5-rin*s, and -i+ked u- aload of red sna--er, -ut tem in te old on i+e and set sail for 5antia*o, Cu1a! ( tou*t itwas rater odd tat we were *oin* all te way to Cu1a wit a load of fis! Wen tey let te+rew *o asore, tis was te first e-osure (.d ad to 1ein* a 1i* sot and *oin* into a 1ar!

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Tis was 1a+k durin* Proi1ition and all (.d tasted 1efore was a little wine, 1ut ( liked itso ( went in wit te +rew and ad my first real drink! (t ne)er o++urred to me tat it wasstran*e tey.d let te wole +rew *o asore at one time! We sat around drinkin* all e)enin*and ( *ot drunker tan a +oot! Te net day we *ot out of tere and went 1a+k to te sna--er

1anks, fised for no more tan four ours, ten +ame on into Tam-a were we weredismissed!5e)eral years later ( *ot to tinkin* a1out it 3 a1out te waterline of te 1oat not risin*

)ery mu+ wen we +ame 1a+k in em-ty and a1out te fa+t tat we only fised for a sortwile 1efore loadin* tese fis on i+e in te old 3 and ( reali/ed (.d 1een a1oard a rum2runner! Tey.d *one into 5antia*o, loaded u- on Ron Ri+o and >a+ardi and smu**led it intote +ountry under a foot of red sna--er! ( *uess tey took me alon* to make it look like afamily tin* wit a kid on 1oard!

Wen ( finally returned ome (.d 1een *one a1out tree monts! Dad, of +ourse, was )eryu-set tat (.d disa--eared witout lettin* anyone know were ( was! (n Cu1a we.d *one from5antia*o o)er to 'a)ana tat ni*t, and (.d noti+ed te sailors down tere wit a *irl on ea+

arm and a 1ottle of 1oo/e and te wole works, and it really intri*ued me! 5o ( went down tote re+ruitin* offi+e and -assed all te eaminations at te a*e of : to *et in te &a)y!Passed all te -ysi+als, all te mentals 3 all ( ad to do was *et a si*nature on te -a-ers!

( went and +onfronted my fater wit tis and e took a look at it and dro--ed it 1a+kdown on te desk and said, 6Are you +ra/y?6

6Well, may1e ( am,6 ( said, 61ut ( sure want to *o into te &a)y!66&o way 3 you.re 0ust a 1a1y@ #ou *et in tere wit tat 1un+ of men and tey.ll

+om-letely ruin you! #ou.re 1ad enou* as it is!66Okay, if tat.s te way you feel a1out it!6 Of +ourse to myself ( said, (.ll *i)e you so

damn mu+ trou1le you.ll finally +ome around 3 wi+ ( immediately did! ( ran away fromome tree times in te net si or ei*t monts! E)ery time e -ut me in s+ool ( would stay

may1e a mont or so and ten (.d +e+k out!One day e +alled me in and told me, 6Well, (.)e made a de+ision= (.m *oin* to -ut you inte Florida 5tate Reform 5+ool, or you *o in te &a)y!6

6Okay,6 ( said, 6(.ll *o down and *et all my -a-ers to*eter and *et a new eamination!66Tere.s one tin* ( want you to understand! (f you +ome 1a+k wit anytin* less tan an

onora1le dis+ar*e, (.ll 1reak your ne+k!6 And ( knew e meant it!Te &a)y si--ed me out of Da-ne, Ala1ama, u- to >irmin*am7 from >irmin*am to

&orfolk, ir*inia7 from &orfolk to 'am-ton Roads, teir trainin* station! ( was only 8 yearsold, a rosy2+eeked +ountry 1oy! ( tou*t ( knew e)erytin* in te world, ad ad a little seand te e-erien+e to *o wit it to make me tink ( was a real man!

>a+k in tose days te &a)y was rou*! Tey used to senten+e -eo-le to four years in te&a)y instead of sendin* tem to 0ail! 5ome of te old salts said it wasn.t far remo)ed from tedays of wooden si-s and iron men! Tey *a)e me a little -am-let tat said, 6#ou.re in te&a)y now! %ee- your eyes and ears o-en and your mout sut!6 ( a--arently read tat1a+kwards! ( was in a1out two weeks wen ( *ot it te first time!

5ome 1i* old farm 1oy from 5out Carolina set me down so flat wit is fist ( sat terefor ten minutes 1efore ( +ould *et te ner)e 0ust to stand u-, mu+ less try to *et 1a+k at im! (de+ided may1e tis was a -retty *ood -ie+e of ad)i+e after all! ( went alon* wit it for a1outtree monts 1efore te same tin* a--ened a*ain! >ut ten ( made an a1out2fa+e7 ( knew if

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( *ot 1ooted out ( +ouldn.t *o ome a*ain so may1e (.d 1etter a--ly myself!Altou* ( didn.t a)e enou* edu+ation to feel +onfident of really su++eedin*, ( -ut in

my a--li+ation for te &a)al Ele+tri+al 5+ool! ( 1e*an to see tere was a e+k of a lot to 1elearned not 0ust a1out te ele+tri+al trades 1ut a1out my own -ersonal self and uman

relations too! ( ad to *et alon* wit -eo-le!5o ( studied and *ot trou* te &a)al Ele+tri+al 5+ool and went from tere trou* teyro+om-ass 5+ool! From tere tey transferred me to te &a)y Re+ei)in* 5i- in &ew#ork at te >rooklyn &a)y #ard! Tis was in G!

>ut te 55 'enderson was on er way to Cina, and tey -ut me on te 'enderson! Wewent trou* te Panama Canal and u- te West Coast to 5eattle, were tey transferred meto te 55 e*a, a sort of su--ly si- for te na)al 1ase in Alaska! Ten days 1efore te e*awas to sail to Alaska ( *ot my transfer orders a*ain 3 ri*t 1a+k to te Re+ei)in* 5i- in &ew#ork! Tere tey -ut me on te 55 Do1in, a re-air si-! Te way ( see it now, e)ery one oftese mo)es was to +on)in+e me tat ( was 1ein* *uided into sometin*!

( *ot into te Ele+tri+al Re-air De-artment on te Do1in, and we were to kee- u- all

re-airs for te $Nt 54uadron of destroyers as well as four su1marines! ( don.t know owmany destroyers were in tat di)ision, 1ut tere were 4uite a few! ( *ot into armature windin*and ele+tri+al installations, did *yro+om-ass re-airs, and all sorts of tin*s! (t *a)e me a1a+k*round, as ( see it, to understand te tin*s we.re into now= te uman ener*y, 1io2ener*eti+ for+es in)ol)ed in dowsin* and ealin*!

nfortunately, all tis time ( was also *ainin* momentum on my al+oolism! (.d *oasore and +ome 1a+k do* drunk7 ( ke-t *ettin* into all sorts of s+ra-es wit my 1oo/e! Ourome -ort was &ew #ork City and we were in dry2do+k te wole mont of De+em1er! 5aint&i+k.s Atleti+ Clu1 u- on NNt 5treet ad a dan+e all for te sailors, soldiers and Marines,and e)en tou* ( ke-t *ettin* 1eat u- and trown out, ( *ot to tinkin* ( was tou* a*ain!On+e wen we were an+ored on te East Ri)er ( was tryin* to *et u- to Nt 5treet on te

su1way, and ( fell off te -latform and ad a1out si -eo-le down tere on te tra+ks tryin* to*et me out 1efore te train +ame! (t was 0ust stu-idity!(f ( adn.t 1een a *ood man on si- wo +ould do anytin* tey told me to and )ery

effi+iently, (.m sure (.d a)e 1een in a lot of trou1le! >ut tey o)erlooked a lot 1e+ause ( wasa)aila1le to do anytin* tey wanted me to at any our of te day or ni*t! Tey.d +all me attree o.+lo+k 5unday mornin* to *et u- and wind an armature in an emer*en+y on one of tedestroyers! Te armature is te -art in a motor tat turns7 rewindin* it is an intri+ate o-erationwere you.)e *ot to tear off all te old windin* and -ut in new insulated +o--er wire! Tat.ste sort of tin* ( did and (.d stay ri*t wit it until ( finised!

( *ot trou* te &a)y wit wat tey +all a minority +ruise= tree years and fi)e monts!( went in in May and was dis+ar*ed in Carleston, 5out Carolina, on te ;t of O+to1er,G, on wat was su--osed to 1e my Gst 1irtday 1ut was in reality only my t, a1out tetime most youn* men *o in!

( didn.t e-e+t te sto+k market +ras to 1oter me any! Wen we were in >oston te lasttime, (.d *one to te offi+e of an en*ineerin* firm tere and told tem a1out my a1ilities as anele+tri+ian, and tey told me wen ( *ot dis+ar*ed to re-ort to te El Paso Ele+tri+ Com-anyand tey.d a)e a 0o1 for me! ( asked for sometin* in Teas 1e+ause my fater adtu1er+ulosis and ad *one to El Paso for is ealt 3 or, as it turned out, to die! 5o after mydis+ar*e ( went to te si-.s +andler in Carleston and si*ned on to te ulf Pride, a tanker

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eaded for Cor-us Cristi!Tat was undou1tedly te most misera1le tri- ( e)er took at sea! We were em-ty, sittin*

on to- of te water wit no 1allast, like a tin +an! Te si- was +rummy 3 tis was 1efore tetime of maritime unions! Te food was lousy, and tere was 1ra+kis water in te fres water

tanks7 te more you drank, te more you wanted! ( tink it took us a1out ei*t days to maketat tri- down trou* te 5traits of Florida to Cor-us! ( *ot off te si- +onsti-ated, feelin*0ust misera1le, and +au*t a train to El Paso!

Te El Paso Ele+tri+ Com-any was 1uildin* a 1i* -ower -lant tat was te first wit a+om1ustion +ontrol system wi+ would feed te 1oilers and maintain desired steam -ressuresautomati+ally! ( was )ery fortunate in workin* wit te en*ineer in +ar*e of installin* tissystem, a man named Weeler7 wen te -lant went on line ( stayed on as an ele+tri+ian! Andwen ( it te Mei+an 1order at te a*e of , wit a 0o1 -ayin* me a1out 8; a week wene)eryone else was workin* for G8, ( really went wild!

( was too youn* for te older +rowd in Juare/ and too old for te youn*er ones so ( ad to-i+k u- wit te in21etweens, te misfits! ( e)en took a sot at mari0uana on+e! A 1un+ of

i* s+ool kids asked me to *o out in an alley wit tem and ( smoked one 0oint 3 tat.s teword tey use now altou* ( don.t tink tey +alled it tat ten! (t took me a1out twenty feetoff te *round and ( +ouldn.t *et 1a+k down, so ( 4uit ri*t tere! (t.s -ro1a1ly a *ood tin* (was also loaded wit +ea- Mei+an wiskey 1e+ause if (.d *one tat route (.d really a)e1een in for it!

(n 5e-tem1er $G my dad died of tu1er+ulosis! Te +om-any do+tors, wo were tere1e+ause tey ad T> temsel)es, +alled me in for a -ysi+al! (.d 1een *ettin* may1e one *oodni*t.s slee- a week, +arousin* and *ettin* two or tree ours te rest of te time, and tesetwo 1oys *a)e me an eamination and told me ( ad T> too! Tey said ( ad to *o to teeterans 5anitarium 3 tat te +om-any would take +are of it, my e-enses and insuran+e andall 3 and ( told tem to *o to ell! ( said 0ust 1e+ause my fater died of tu1er+ulosis doesn.t

mean (.m a1out to! 5o ( a+ted ea+tly 1a+kwards a*ain! &ew #orkers were +omin* out to ElPaso for teir ealt, and ( 4uit my 0o1 in El Paso ri*t in te middle of te de-ression andwent to &ew #ork!


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:Trou* +onne+tions (.d made in te ser)i+e ( *ot a 0o1 in -u1li+ relations for a +lotin*

+on+ern in te *arment distri+t! Tis e-osed me to all te 1oo/e in te world 1e+ause ( ad totake out2of2towners to te Follies and all te sows and +lu1s and sow tem a *ood time, onan unlimited e-ense a++ount! (.d always wanted to 1e an entertainer7 ( learned ta- dan+in*from te +olored kids down 1y te sawmill and ad done a little sin*in* in Mei+o and aroundtown! 5o we.d *o into tese +lu1s in &ew #ork and on+e in a wile (.d *et u- and dosometin*!

One ni*t down at Jimmy %elly.s in te illa*e ( did a num1er and Jimmy +omes o)er

and says, 6( see you around ere a lot 3 ow would you like to *o to work for me as anentertainer? ( need an em+ee!6( said, 6Well, ( +an.t afford to 4uit my 0o1!66Tat.s all ri*t,6 e said, 6kee- your 0o1! Come down ere and do a sow, ten take your

*an* around, sow tem te si*ts, and +ome 1a+k and do anoter sow!65o we started tis and ( was makin* two -ay+e+ks for se)eral monts until ( *ot +au*t

at it7 tey ke-t *ettin* tese e-ense a++ounts from Jimmy %elly.s, Jimmy %elly.s! ( went towork for Jimmy, ten tree or four oter +lu1s, did a little )aude)ille, a little radio, and all tetime te 1oo/e was te main tin*! ( +ouldn.t *o on, ( +ouldn.t work, ( +ouldn.t do anytin*witout te 1oo/e! ( was drinkin* at least a 4uart of wiskey a day!

( was li)in* in te Park Central 'otel! My daily ritual was to *et u- around $ o.+lo+k inte afternoon and *o down to te *ym after drinkin* alf a water *lass of wiskey to *et mestarted! (.d work out, *et in te steam room, *o swimmin*, a)e a massa*e, ten +ome 1a+ku- to my room and tis time drink a full *lass of wiskey wile *ettin* ready to *o towi+e)er +lu1 ( a--ened to 1e workin* at te time!

One day 3 ( for*et te date 1ut it was in $8 3 ( *ot u- and was sittin* on te side of my1ed, and it dawned on me tat ( ad a1solutely no talent watsoe)er e+e-t wat was +omin*out of te 1ottle! ( +alled &ewark Air-ort and asked ow soon ( +ould +at+ a -lane toJa+kson)ille7 tey said tere was one at =$;! >etween $=$; tat afternoon and =$; tat ni*t( -a+ked all my 1elon*in*s and made arran*ements for a 1ell1oy to si- tem for me7 4uit my0o1, -i+ked u- my -ay+e+k and 1ou*t e)ery1ody in te +lu1 a drink7 ten took a +a1 to teair-ort! ( was runnin* away from 1oo/e 3 yet all ( ad in my 1a* were my toilet arti+les, a+an*e of so+ks and underwear, and si 4uarts of Canadian Clu1!

(n Ja+kson)ille ( ran into a man named L!L! Pray wo was sellin* weel ali*nment and1alan+in* e4ui-ment for te >eeline Manufa+turin* Com-any out of Da)en-ort, (owa! Prayad a territory of four soutern states 3 Florida, eor*ia, Ala1ama and Tennessee 3 and ewanted someone to learn enou* a1out tis e4ui-ment to install it and stay tere and instru+t aman on it! 'e ad a 1i* >ui+k ; -ullin* tis u*e trailer loaded wit 8,;;; -ounds ofe4ui-ment! We.d slide it off already assem1led and -ut it into a *ara*e or a dealersi-somewere, and ( would stay tere to sow tem ow mu+ money it +ould make! Pray would

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+ome 1a+k and make te final deal, and (.d sti+k around till a new ma+ine +ame! Ten we.dload it so e always ad a new one on is trailer! Tis worked -retty well for me for a wile,1ut te 1oo/e still -redominated!

( was 1a+k in Ja+kson)ille sometime in $N to sow a tall youn* +ountry 1oy named

5-eedy ow to use te e4ui-ment! 'e and ( would *et to drinkin* to*eter early in temornin* and we.d 1e -retty well oiled 1y te end of te day! One ni*t ( met a +i+k in arestaurant and made a date wit er for a dan+e! Te net e)enin* after drinkin* all day wit5-eedy ( *ot dressed and went down to >ay 5treet and -i+ked u- a -int of wiskey!

(n Florida at tat time you.d a)e a -a+ka*e store in te front and a -la+e in te 1a+kwere you +ould order a Co+a Cola and sit down and a)e your drink! ( went in 1a+k wit my-int, took a 1i* slu*, ten so)ed te 1ottle in my 1a+k -o+ket and went to te restroom! ( wasstandin* tere relie)in* myself wen tis youn* soldier from te lo+al CMTC 3 Citi/ensMilitary Trainin* Cam- 3 +ame in a little drunk! 'e 0ust kinda -used me aside so e +ould *oat te same time ( was! ( ste--ed to one side, ten felt sometin* warm and looked down, ande.d urinated on my 1eautiful im-orted 5+ot+ linen suit, from te knee ri*t down into my

soe! Witout tinkin*, ( +ame u- wit an u--er+ut tat +au*t tis kid ri*t under te +inand lifted im +lear off te floor! 'e went s-rawlin* on is 1a+k into a 1un+ of 1eer +ases!Tey tum1led o)er and 1roke, wit 1eer runnin* all o)er te floor, *lass and e)erytin*!

(t a--ened so fast ( didn.t reali/e (.d it im tat ard! ( looked down at im, and isead was flo--ed o)er on is ri*t soulder wit a knot a1out te si/e of your fist on is lon*ne+k! ( 0ust knew (.d 1roken it!

Te man from te li4uor store ran 1a+k wit a +ou-le of oter -eo-le, and -retty soon-eo-le started +omin* in off te street! Ten te -oli+e arri)ed and a dru**ist down te streetwas +alled! A -oli+eman asked me if (.d it im and ( admitted ( ad! 'e said, 6Well, don.t you*o anywere, ( tink you 0ust killed a man!6

6O my od@6 ( said and sat down on a 1eer +ase! (.d for*otten a1out my suit 1y tis

time! Well, tere was a lot of ulla1aloo around tere, wen all of a sudden tis fella sat u-,raised is ead 3 and te knot disa--eared!( 0um-ed u- and knelt down in tat filt, -ut my arm around im, and asked, 6'ow do

you feel?66All ri*t,6 e said! 6Wat a--ened?6 Wen ( told im e said, 6( don.t 1lame you for

ittin. me!6 'e was so1er 1y tat time and so was (!( said, 6My od, man, e)ery1ody in tis room tou*t you were dead@6Wen ( asked im a1out te knot on is ne+k, e said, 6O tat,6 and twisted is ead

around! (t was a *oiter 3 one of tose sout eor*ia *oiters from eatin* too mu+ +orn andnot *ettin* enou* iodine in is diet! >oy, ( ne)er +ried so ard in my life! Tears 0ust startedflowin* 3 ( was so relie)ed to see tat tis *uy was all ri*t!

>ut you know wat ( did ten? ( went 1a+k down to te otel, +leaned u- and -ut onanoter suit, took a +ou-le of 1i* slu*s from te -int ( still ad, ten went out and 1ou*tanoter one and dan+ed all ni*t 3 ad a ri-2roarin* time! &o way did ( attri1ute any of my-ro1lems to te 1oo/e!

From Ja+kson)ille we went to Orlando! (.m 4uite a fiserman, and te minute ( rode intotown and saw all tose 1eautiful lakes a*ain 3 te 1oardin* s+ool ( ran away from was 0usta+ross Lake A-o-ka from Orlando 3 ( tou*t, 1oy, tis is for me@ ( didn.t want to *o ontra)elin* all o)er eor*ia and Ala1ama and e)erywere, es-e+ially wit te 1oo/e te way it


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was!We -ut in a weel ali*nment ma+ine tere for 5mit and Meadows ara*e 0ust off

Oran*e A)enue, and ( *ot to meetin* -eo-le! E)eryone was friendly and ni+e 3 1eautifulwomen 3 tere was a lot *oin* on in tis little town! As soon as we *ot te ma+ine all set u-

( started +am-ai*nin* to stay tere and o-erate it! ( 4uit te >eeline Manufa+turin* Com-anyand stayed in Orlando!And te same tin* a--ened all o)er a*ain= 1oo/e, 1oo/e, 1oo/e 3 out all ni*t e)ery

ni*t, dan+in* and raisin* e+k and +asin* e)erytin* ( +ould find! ( e)en *ot to messin*around wit some married women, wi+ is always +ondu+i)e to -ro1lems!

(n fa+t tere was a 1eauty -arlor ri*t in front of our *ara*e, wose owner ad a +utelittle wife, and e was an al+ooli+, out +arousin* all o)er, ne*le+tin* tis little *al! ( 0ust+ouldn.t stand to see tis, no way did ( want to see any +ute little tin* like tat ne*le+ted! 5o (started takin* +are of is duties for im, and e found out!

One mornin* se +alled me at te ouse 1efore ( +ame down to work and said, 6Carlie.s*ot a *un and e.s drunk and e.s lookin* for you@ #ou.d 1etter not +ome down today!6

( said, 6A ell, e.ll *et o)er it all ri*t!6( was under te weel ali*nment ma+ine, 0ust startin* my work, wen ( saw Carliedri)e in! 'e -arked is +ar, and ( saw im *o around and o-en te *lo)e +om-artment! 'estood tere for wat seemed like ten minutes at least, ten +losed te door and walked ri*t u-in front of te so-! 6Walter?6 e says!

6#ea?6 ( answered!6( want to see you a minute!6( *ot u- and walked u- to im, and e rea+ed in is +oat -o+ket, -ulled out a !$G

automati+ and -ut it ri*t in my 1elly 1utton! 'e was sakin* like a leaf, and te tin* wasfully +o+ked! 'e says, 6#ou.)e 1een foolin* wit my wife!6

( said, 6Well, Carlie, you.re doin* all te talkin*7 it seems you a)e a little ad)anta*e

ri*t now! Re*ardless of wat ( say, it.s still *oin* to 1e wron*! >esides,6 ( said, 6(.)e seenyou out at all te ni*t +lu1s wit some1ody else.s wife for te -ast +ou-le of years, and tereis no way tat you.re not as *uilty or more so tan ( am!6

6Tat doesn.t enter into it at all,6 e said 3 6it.s mywife (.m interested in! (.m *oin* to1low your *uts out!6

Well, ( tou*t, if e.s *oin* to soot me, it mi*t as well 1e in te 1a+k! 6Okay, Carlie,it.s your 1all*ame,6 ( said and started walkin* away, e-e+tin* tat ot 1ullet any se+ond!

( went on in, *ot under te ma+ine, and ( +ould see im from underneat te +ar ( wasworkin* on! 'e stood tere for a1out fi)e minutes until finally ( eard tat *un.s safety +li+k1a+k on! 'e -ut it in is -o+ket, *ot in is +ar and dro)e off! 'e was *one for a1out twomonts, went on a real wild drinkin* s-ree! Ten 5mit and Meadows took in a new -artnerand 1ou*t a 1i* ela1orate -la+e! Wen ( mo)ed o)er to te new *ara*e ( met my first wife!

( started fisin* out at Lake Down, and tis old man out tere ad a 1un+ of 1oats e.drent, on a1out K a+res of te most 1eautiful land you.)e e)er seen! Te first time ( went outtere ( went wit a kid 1y te name of Frank Jones! Frank told me, 6&ow you stay ri*t in te+ar and wait till te old man +omes out 1e+ause if you *et out of te +ar, e.s *ot a do* tat.lltear you to -ie+es! 'e.ll +ome ri*t at your troat!6 Well, (.)e ne)er 1een afraid of a do* in mylife! 5o ( 0ust *ot out and started walkin* u- towards te ouse and, sure enou*, ere +omestis 1east 3 alf Airedale and alf se-erd, wit te air on is ne+k standin* u- 3 1oundin*

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out of te yard and runnin* ri*t toward me!( 0ust sla--ed my ands to*eter, and e 0um-ed u- and -ut is feet on my +est and tried

to li+k my fa+e! >y tis time te man ad +ome out of te ouse and e walked u- to me,stu+k out is and and said, 6Tat.s te first time my Prin+ie as e)er done tat to any1ody!

(.)e *ot to 1e your friend!6 5o e and ( *ot to 1e +lose friends as of tat minute!Tree or four monts later a 1eautiful youn* *irl +ame into te so- wit te front end ofer Dod*e mased in and te weels all kno+ked out of ali*nment! After ( -ut it u- on tema+ine to see wat te dama*e was and make out an estimate, we de+ided se sould a)esome1ody take er ome! ( did te onors and wen ( asked er for a date tat ni*t se saidyes!

( -i+ked er u- and we went out and ad a few drinks, 0ust ridin* around, until se said,6Let.s *o out to my *randfater.s!6 ( a*reed and se dire+ted me out toward Lake Down!Wen it was o1)ious tat.s were we were eaded, ( asked er wo er *randfater was!

6'e.s an old Dut+ out ere on te lake!66ee,6 ( said, 6(.)e 1een fisin* wit tat *uy, fisin* and drinkin* wit im and

e)erytin* else!6 Te minute e knew ( was interested in Jean, is *randdau*ter, e startedarran*in* for our marria*e! A+tually, ( tink ( married er on a++ount of im!

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8Carlotta.s a1out ready to -ut dinner on so ( *et te +oleslaw se.s made earlier from te

refri*erator and take it wit a 1owl of ummus and -ita trian*les out to te -i+ni+ ta1le on te-atio! Te sun is 1eind te trees now, and te lawn and or+ard are teir dee-est, most)i1rant *reen! Tina looks +oyly out at me from te flower1ed, er fa)orite -la+e to lie in tesummer!

6Went to see my aunt today,6 says Carlotta wit entusiasm after 0oinin* me! 'er fa+eand )oi+e are animated as usual, er dee-2set dark eyes s-arklin* wit silent lau*ter!

6Te one at te nursin* ome?66Ri*t, Aunt Elsa! 5e was really sweet today! Asked me to take er for a dri)e!66Were.d you *o?6

6Out Turkey 'en Road 3 were Cindy and er us1and 1ou*t tat little farm last year!66( know were you mean!66( sto--ed 1y to see Cindy too, 1ut se wasn.t tere! ( o-e se wasn.t off somewere

wit tat +ontra+tor se kee-s talkin* a1out!66( tou*t se and er us1and 0ust *ot 1a+k to*eter 3 wen tey 1ou*t te farm!66Tey did! ( don.t understand tat woman! 5e +an 1e so mu+ fun 3 we.re 1ot interested

in a lot of te same tin*s, mostly orses of +ourse 3 1ut se doesn.t use er ead sometimes!

(f se starts runnin. around on >ill a*ain se.s lia1le to lose er kids tis time!6

6Tink so?6 ( ask, mildly interested in te romanti+ -e++adilloes of tis youn* woman(.)e seen down at te 1arn a +ou-le of times!

6( +an.t say tat (.d 1lame im! And tat little 1oy of ers 3 Rooty, tey +all im 3 is

darlin*! 'e says (.m is *irlfriend! Wen (.m o)er tere e wants all my attention!6 5e lau*sat te tou*t of tis!

65o tell me a1out your aunt,6 ( say! 6Were.d you end u- takin* er?66( was *oin* to introdu+e er to Cindy, se.s su+ a +ara+ter! >ut sin+e se wasn.t tere,

we dro)e +lear u- te ollow 0ust to *i)e Elsa sometin* 1esides oter old -eo-le and +ra11yattendants to see for a +an*e!6

65e must.)e ad a *reat time!66O se did 3 till we ad to sto- so se +ould *o to te 1atroom!6 Carlotta.s eyes li*t u-

in amusement rater tan re)ealin* te least int of dis*ust as se relates te in+ident!6( said, .Can.t you wait, Elsa? ( +an a)e you 1a+k in fifteen minutes!. >ut se says, no,

se +an.t wait and ten se starts to *et a little franti+ 1e+ause ( *uess se tou*t ( wasn.t

*oin* to sto-! 5o we -ull o)er, and ( el- er down out of te >ron+o 3 remem1er ow se+lun* to me wen se +ame to dinner wit er sisters? 5e did te same tin* tis time! 5aidse +ouldn.t walk, (.d a)e to +arry er o)er were no one +ould see er! And (.m *oin., .#ou.redoin. fine, Elsa7 (.ll el- you, 1ut ( +an.t +arry you, you.re *onna a)e to walk tere yourself!.

6Ten se starts wim-erin* and *ettin* -ani+ky, says se +an.t wait 3 so ( 0ust wi--eder -ants down ri*t tere and eld er out away from me!!!!6 &ow Carlotta wrinkles er nosefor te first time altou* se.s still *rinnin*!

6Diarrea! (t went e)erywere!6 A*ain se lau*s er 1oisterous lau* 3 almost a woo-

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at times, as it is now! 6( tried to kee- it off er as 1est ( +ould! Ten ( found ra*s in te 1a+k ofte >ron+o to wi-e off wat did *et on er! Of +ourse se.s terri1ly umiliated, and (.mreassurin* er tat e)erytin*.s all ri*t, tese tin*s +an a--en! Wat an afternoon@6

Carlotta *i)es me tat *leeful look tat.s so +ara+teristi+ of er, and ( smile 1a+k,

admirin* er immensely! 'ow ali)e se is, and ow *i)in*@ ( don.t know anyone else woli)es life so flat2out, 0ust from er own natural ener*y= no tea or +offee for Carlotta tou*se does a)e 4uite a sweet toot se stru**les to +ontrolB! And most of te time se.s ine+ellent s-irits, altou* er infre4uent an*er +ertainly isn.t a for+e of nature you want tofool wit!

For te first si monts or so after we started seein* ea+ oter, ( didn.t tink Carlotta ada dark side 3 and it.s no more tan a dark *ray in any +ase! 5e.s o-inionated as ell,+on*enitally una1le to see ow life looks to ninety2nine -er+ent of te -eo-le on te -lanet!>ut er 1i* eart ameliorates tat sort+omin* +onsidera1ly!

E)erytin* was *reat 1etween te two of us until ( 1e*an to feel 3 or notfeel, a+tually=*radually ( sto--ed 1ein* a1le to feel te lo)e 1etween us wi+ at first ad 1een so ele+tri+,

su+ a li)in* -resen+e tat it was like!!!wat? te o--osite of a sadow, an entity of li*t1eneat te skin? More like a s-e+ial +ase of -antom lim1 -ain may1e= te wite ole inyour +est you fall into wen you.)e lost your eart to someone!

Was tis emotional anestesia a sur-rise to me? &ot at all, 0ust -art of te -attern (mentioned earlier in ow ( andle relationsi-s7 (.d anti+i-ated it from te 1e*innin*! Tewole -oint of startin* a new one wit Carlotta was te turnin* -oint it was *oin* to re-resentin my life! Tis time was *oin* to 1e different! Tis time ( wouldn.t let te fadeout of mye-erien+e of lo)e *et to me7 ( was *oin* to work trou* it! ( ad no idea wat lay 1eyondtis ma0or 1arrier (.d always mana*ed to ere+t 1etween myself and my feelin*s in lo)e, 1ut (was sure as ell ready to find out!

Tis is -art of wat (.d 1een tryin* to tell Carlotta from te )ery 1e*innin*, tat ni*t in

front of te fire! ( didn.t +ome ri*t out and warn er tat tis was likely to a--en, for tworeasons! For one tin* (.m not tat stu-id 3 or onest, ( *uess! Carlotta would a)e 1een *onein a minute! >ut ( also wasn.t sure it would a--en! ( a)en.t 1een wit enou* women in mylife for tis -attern of 1ea)ior to a)e ardened into some kind of immuta1le law of nature!

&ow te moment of trut ad arri)ed in my lo)e affair wit Carlotta! (t was time to teller wat ( was *oin* trou* and to reassure er tat ( was determined tis time to +ross teCork Ro+kner frontier wit er into new territory! ( remem1er +learly te day se and ( first dis+ussed tis 3 te first of manytimes to +ome3 1ut not ow it a--ened tat we were a)in* lun+ at er ouse in te middle of te week!Tis was some si monts after we started seein* ea+ oter, a year and a alf 1efore ( mo)edin wit er! 5o altou* tis o1)iously didn.t mark te end of our relationsi-, ( 1elie)e its*radual deterioration 1e*an wit my dis+losure, e)en as te intima+y 1etween us +ontinued to*row!

6Wat do you mean you.re no lon*er .in tou+ wit your feelin*s.?6 ( re+all er askin*, awole new tone of mistrust and in+redulity in er )oi+e! 6'ow lon* as tis 1een *oin* on?6

6(t 0ust started a little wile a*o, Carlotta,6 ( re-ly! 6>ut ( told you, it.s notin* to worrya1out! (.ll *et trou* it7 ( 0ust need your understandin*, tat.s all!6

6#ou mean all tis time to*eter and you still don.t know ow you feel a1out me? (tou*t tin*s were *ood 1etween us! #ou said!!!all kinds of tin*s tat led me to 1elie)e you

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felt te same a1out me as ( do a1out you! &ow you tell me you.re not sure? Wat am ( to1elie)e, Cork?6

6Trust your *ut feelin*s! (f tey tell you (.m 0ust leadin* you on and lyin* to you, ten tellme to *et te ell out of your life! ( +an say tat 1e+ause (.m notlyin* to you 3 ( a)en.t and (

won.t! ( tried to -re-are you for tis ri*t at te 1e*innin*, Carlotta, 1ut ( didn.t knowit woulda--en wit you, ( o-ed it wouldn.t! ( did know if ( told you ten, it would 1e all o)er for tetwo of us, 1efore it e)en 1e*an! And ( didn.t want tat 3 ( wanted you in my life!6

6>ut now you.re not sure anymore?6 se asks a++usin*ly!&o, (.m still sure, Carlotta 3 as sure as ( +ould 1e a1out anytin*@ Just 1e+ause my

feelin*s a)e *one under*round for a wile doesn.t mean ( no lon*er know my own mind, ortat ( don.t a)e any will-ower to draw on!6

6O, *reat, so now you need will-ower to 1e wit me? #ou sure know ow to turn a-rase, Cork!6

( smile more or less in s-ite of myself and rea+ out to er7 at first se.s a)in* none ofit, 1ut ten se relents and allows me to -ull er a*ainst me!

6( nevere-e+ted to find someone like you 1a+k ere, Carlotta! ( tou*t ( was 0ust+omin* 1a+k to try to sell te family 1usiness and ten (.d 1e out of ere! >ut now ( feel youmay 1e te real reason ( +ame 1a+k 3 ( mean, if tere.s some kind of destiny *uidin* my life!(f tere isn.t, fine, ( know ow im-ortant you are to me!6

6Well (.m not sure it.s enou* for me, Cork! &ot wen your mind says one tin* 1ut youreart.s not sure it a*rees, or wate)er te ell your -ro1lem is!6

6My -ro1lem will *o away, Carlotta, if you.ll allow it to! (f you.ll 0ust stay wit me andtrust your own instin+ts or intuition! (.m sure of it!6

Carlotta.s attem-t to -ut tat afternoon 1eind us as 1een a *ift to 1ot of us! >ut sin+eten se as always 1een a little mistrustful in a way se.d +eased to 1e after finally makin* a+ommitment to te two of us! And se maintains tat tis mistrust is 1eind wat ( +onstrue as

er inse+ure and 0ealous 1ea)ior! 5e says tat if se.s at all inse+ure in our relationsi-, it.s1e+ause ( told er myself tat ( +an.t really feelow ( feel a1out er! 'ow +an you ar*ue wittat?

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6(.m makin* it sound as if Carlotta and ( a)e s-ent mu+ of our time to*eter 1i+kerin*,

1ut tat isn.t true at all! 5e as too *reat a lo)e for nature and too mu+ will-ower to allower s-irits to lan*uis for lon*! Out in te fres air wit er animals or in er *arden, se isin)i*orated, re-lenised! Tou* se +an 1e 4ui+k to take affront, +ara+ter and er eu1erantsense of umor -lay e4ual -arts in restorin* er -ositi)e outlook! (n te -ast year Carlotta as mourned te deats not only of two of er fa)orite do*s 1utof i+eroy, te an+ient -alomino stallion se.s ad sin+e +ildood! Te -atient, sway1a+kedold orse ad te run of te *rounds 1etween ouse and 1arn! 'e made is rounds in tesam1lin* *ait of an elderly 1oule)ardier out for is daily +onstitutional! Wen se saw imCarlotta would sin* out is name in tree sylla1les, *i)in* it a liltin* melody in wi+ you

+ouldn.t miss er lo)e for im!A--arently early one mornin* te -oor animal stum1led o)er te side of te ill near er1arn! >y te time Carlotta dis+o)ered im e was already near deat, wee/in* softly, wed*edinto a *ully tat e)en a stron* youn* orse would a)e found it diffi+ult to es+a-e! Distrau*t1ut in +ontrol, Carlotta *ot 'ank, er *roundskee-er, on te -one, and witin minutes teywere tenderly workin* ro-es around i+eroy.s twisted 1ody, +oain* im, tryin* to win+ imas *ently as -ossi1le into a -osition from wi+ e mi*t stru**le someow to is feet! >utwe all knew tis was futile!

>y now Emily was tere and moter and dau*ter were so11in* o-enly to*eter asi+eroy.s ras-in* 1reats *rew more and more fee1le! Finally a *reat sudder sook is *auntsides and tey 1ot wailed, wile 'ank and ( looked on, not only el-less to inter)ene 1ut

um1led 1y te awesomeness of a life so -owerful at last su++um1in*, te etraordinarydi*nity in te ma*nifi+ent old orse.s deat!Only two monts earlier Carlotta ad *rie)ed o)er te deat of Ronnie, er tou* little

ound wo des-ite numerous wounds sustained o)er te years in te line of duty, +ontinuedis y-era+ti)e lo)e2life ri*t to te 1itter end! Mauled 1y a nei*1or.s rottweilers outra*ed1y te 1ra/enness of is -oa+in*, Ronnie lin*ered for almost a week, tanks to Carlotta.sround2te2+lo+k nursin*! After er )et ad sewn im u-, e su--lied te medi+ation andCarlotta -ro)ided te os-ital 1ed and lo)in* +are 1ut to no a)ail!

Te only one of Ronnie.s self2a--ointed tasks in)ol)in* neiter se nor is o1noiousa1it of *oadin* te rest of te do*s into a 1arkin* fren/y at te least -ro)o+ation ad 1eenis re*ular +leanin* of te foulest2smellin* -air of ears ( e)er o-e to en+ounter! Tese1elon*ed to Carlotta.s $2year2old erman se-erd ood Ole >oy, or >o, as e was more+ommonly +alled! Weter Ronnie +onsidered tis is duty or merely -ri/ed >o.s ran+idse+retions as a -e+uliarly +anine deli+a+y, we were ne)er sure, 1ut is oral ministrations were-ro1a1ly all tat ke-t >o.s en+rusted ears from infe+tion! And Ronnie.s untimely demise wasfollowed a few monts later 1y >o.s! Tou* e.d already lost te use of is indle*s a year orso earlier, >o ad learned to dra* imself around te yard fairly well on a little +art 'ankmade for im! >ut is well2li)ed years finally +au*t u- wit im! Of all te do*s >o adli)ed ere lon*est, a)in* 1een a Cristmas -u--y in a red ri11on for Emily, and is deat

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after first Ronnie.s and ten i+eroy.s was -arti+ularly ard on Carlotta!(t asn.t ke-t er from er routine of 1arn2 and ouse+leanin*, owe)er, or er daily

workout in te li)in* room! 5e +ontinues to ride e)ery day, weater -ermittin*, and ( oftena++om-any er on weekends, for*ettin* mu+ of er instru+tion from session to session 1ut

retainin* enou* to -er+ei)e some -ro*ress and to ima*ine a time wen ( +an andle orsesskillfully enou* to really sare in Carlotta.s 0oy wit tem, rater tan ta**in* alon* on ourtrail rides -er+ed ato- te -loddin* o)erwei*t *eldin* se +alls >eefeart or +on+entratin*surre-titiously on -rote+tin* my 1alls durin* te lessons in er ridin* rin* 1eside te ri)er!For now, ridin* is still mostly drud*ery, wi+ ( endure for te -leasure not only of Carlotta.s+om-any 1ut of o1ser)in* er in er element! All my sit2so)elin* and aulin*, te ourss-ent 1rusin* and +urryin* er orses 3 a tiny fra+tion of te time se s-ends in su+endea)ors 3 are a -ri+e wort -ayin* to see Carlotta fi*tin* wit er 1eautiful 1ut +ra/y Ara1mare, 1ot of tem eadstron* and furious wit ea+ oter7 or astride er 1i* torou*1redermani+us, wit Carlotta re)elin* in teir *ra+eful union!

Tou* se.d -refer it te oter way around, Carlotta.s -erfe+tly willin* tat we s-end a

lot more time walkin* tan ridin* to*eter= trou* te woods or on un-a)ed roads 1a+k intote ills away from te ri)er! We.)e wat+ed te seasons turn o)er our fa)orite isolatedfarmouses and stark or lus forest settin*s, notin* and dis+ussin* te -eo-le and lands+a-esand ow tey.)e intera+ted7 trasin* out our own or te world.s -ro1lems to*eter7 orremainin* 4uiet for alf an our or more, 0ust lookin* and tinkin*! On+e last s-rin* wea--ened u-on a wole -ossum family, a moter and tree or four 1a1ies, mased utterly flatinto te -a+ked *ra)el road1ed, and silent tears ran down Carlotta.s fa+e! 5e 1rused temaway a little see-isly, 1ut ( lo)ed er for feelin* wat ( +ould not!

We s-end time on te ri)er, as -eo-le do ere, skiin* or in less ener*eti+ -ursuits! Oneni*t early tis summer we amused a more +onser)ati)e +ou-le wo are *ood friends of ours,Jimmy and 5ara Ma0ors, 1y skinny2di--in* off teir 1oat! Tis time of year we )irtually li)e

in Carlotta.s -ool, entertainin* our own and Emily.s friends 3 all of wom lo)e er-er-etually2teena*e moter, wo sares teir umor, lau*s u-roariously at teir 0okes andtranslates for er do*s in +ute little +artoon )oi+es! On o++asional ot sunny afternoons wee)en a)e te -ool all to oursel)es! Carlotta.s at ome in te water, a stron*, *ra+efulswimmer! #et te first time we made lo)e tere, a look of wonder +ame o)er er fa+e wi+reminded me of my eldest dau*ter.s e-ression as ( +radled er in my ands for er first1at!

Caty li)ed wit us for a few monts re+ently, altou* se.s *one 1a+k now to li)e witer moter in Ci+a*o! Last fall Carlotta and ( dro)e u- wit er orse trailer and 1rou*tCaty and 5ilo, er four2year2old *eldin*, 1a+k wit us! 5e went to s+ool for a semesterwit Emily, wo introdu+ed er to er friends and made er feel ri*t at ome!

After atin* my *uts for te first year or more, Emily as finally +ome to tolerate me7 (tink you +ould e)en say tat in our own ways we.re +lose now! (t.s not sur-risin* tat sewould dee-ly resent and fear my intrusion into te -ri)ile*ed life se.d sared e+lusi)elywit er moter! More im-ressi)e is tat se sould *o out of er way to wel+ome and1efriend Caty!

( wonder wat would 1e+ome of Emily.s and my friendsi- if er moter and ( sould1reak u-? (.)e tried to a)oid stron* emotional atta+ments wit te +ildren of women ( didn.te-e+t to stay wit, te time or two (.)e ad su+ foresi*t! >ut Carlotta was su--osed to last!

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&ot too lon* after we started datin* ( told my moter ( tou*t it -ossi1le tat we.d e)entually*et married, te first time (.d said su+ a tin* to er sin+e my first marria*e, more tantwenty years a*o! Ri*t now tat seems more tan 0ust o)erly am1itious, it seems nai)e 3 ifnot downri*t deluded!

Tis -retty well 1rin*s us u- to s-eed in te story (.m tellin*! We.re 1a+k now at te ta1leunder te -in oaks, on Carlotta.s -atio! After we.)e lau*ed at er tender, earty story a1outer aunt and sared a few minutes of after2dinner +on)ersation, se informs me tat se.sa)in* lun+ tomorrow wit Amy and Leslie, two women wo are friends of ours 3 tou*not so mu+ of te two of us as a +ou-le as te two of us as indi)iduals!

Oo-s, ( tink to myself, wo te ell set tis u-? Carlotta and Amy a)in* lun+ to*eterisn.t -arti+ularly noteworty, 1ut wy would Leslie 1e in+luded? Ten ( de+ide to rela and4uit worryin* a1out wat may or may not +ome u- as a to-i+ of +on)ersation! Te +i-s are*onna fall were tey.re *onna fall anyway, ri*t?

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Come World War ((, ( went into te %ey West &a)y #ard as an ele+tri+ian sin+e ( was

familiar wit all te old &a)y si-s and tey.d -ut a lot of tem 1a+k into +ommission! (stayed drunk in tat -la+e for G: ours a day! Tere were Cu1an *un1oats +omin* in all tetime, and e)ery one of tem was loaded wit all sorts of rum at !; a fift, so you know (

was in ea)en! >ut ( was still fun+tional, still doin* armature windin* and all7 ( adn.tfor*otten any of it!

( was doin* some real +ra/y tin*s! We ad a 1ond rally one day, and tere was a+ommander standin* u- on te -odium tellin* us we sould all *o witout lun+ and su--ortte war effort 1y 1uyin* 1onds and stam-s! ( ad 0ust +ome from a +on)oy tat was eadedfor Russia7 tey ad a wole railroad and 0ust si- after si-, as far as you +ould see, loaded

wit tis stuff for Russia!And ( *ot u- and said, 6( understand we.re su--ortin* Russia to te fullest etent in teirwar efforts!6 Te *uy said, HTat.s ri*t,I and ( said, 6Well were.s ermany.s material? ( 0ust+ame from te +on)oy +enter out tere and ( saw all tis stuff *oin* to Russia, and ( tink weou*t to 1e sendin* ermany te same amount!6

E)erytin* +ame to a s+ree+in* alt!6Just wait until one of tem wins,6 ( said, 6ten 0um- on im and +lean im u- and tis

tin* will 1e o)er! >e+ause Russia as told us in e)ery 1ook e)er written ea+tly ow westand, and tey.re a 1i**er enemy tan ermany e)er tou*t of 1ein*!6

>oy, tey ustled me off to te administration 1uildin* to find out wat ( was talkin*a1out and ( stu+k to my *uns! ( said, 6Tey sow Joe 5talin as a 1ene)olent -i-e2smokin* old

man and e.s in 1lood u- to is el1ows! Te only -lan tey.)e *ot for us is to 1leed us ofe)erytin* we.)e *ot!6&ot too lon* after tis ( was walkin* trou* te &a)y yard one day witout a sirt! Tey

ad a re*ulation a*ainst workin* witout your sirt in te yard, 1ut tat *ood old sun was ni+eon my 1ody! One of te *uards +ame o)er and says, 6#ou.re su--osed to 1e wearin* a sirt!6

6Tat.s for te &a)y -eo-le,6 ( said, 6not for +i)ilians or +i)il ser)i+e!66&o,6 e said, 6it.s for e)ery1ody in te &a)y yard!6 'e was kind of a 1elli*erent

+ara+ter anyway ad a *un on im! 'e says, 6(.m *onna take you u- to te administration

1uildin*!66#ou.re not *oin* to take me anywere,6 ( said! 6( mi*t *o u- tere 1ut you.re not *oin*

to take me!6

Wit tat, e rea+ed o)er and *ra11ed me 1y te arm and was *oin* to -ut my arm u-1eind my 1a+k and -us me down trou* te &a)y yard! ( 0ust set im on is fanny, *unand all!

'e rea+ed for te *un, and ( said, 6(f you take it out, you.re eiter *onna a)e to kill meor eat it, +ause (.m *onna swarm all o)er you, fella!6 'e -ut it 1a+k, and ( said, 6All ri*t,we.ll *o u- to te administration 1uildin*, 1ut you walk aead of me! #ou.re not *oin* to walkin 1a+k of me wit a *un!6

As ( said, te reason tis sort of tin* didn.t *et me fired is tat ( +ould do tin*s around

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tere no one else +ould! For instan+e, a mer+ant si- +ame in tat ad te first RCA 5O5system in te fleet! (t was set u- so tat if an 5O5 +ame in, it would rin* an alarm in te+a-tain.s +a1in and in te radio sa+k and en*ine room so some1ody +ould +ome -i+k u- temessa*e, witout a radioman a)in* to sit tere G: ours a day listenin* for distress si*nals!

Anyway, te alarm +ame on and tey +ouldn.t sut it off! 5o someone +ame o)er and tookme as an ele+tri+ian out to te +on)oy +enter were tis 1i* 1eautiful mer+ant si- was allloaded and ready to ead out wit te +on)oy for Euro-e! Te Afri+an in)asion was underwayten!

( was taken to a man wo ad si 1i* 1lue-rints of te alarm system laid out andwei*ted down on tis at+ +o)er! Wile e was studyin* tem, ( walked o)er to tee4ui-ment and o-ened u- a -anel a1out tree 1y si feet, and you ne)er saw su+ a ma/e ofwires and resistors and tu1es in te 1a+k of tat tin*! (t looked like a real 0um1le! ( asked teradioman, 6Wat does tis tin* do?6

6Well, it +omes on if you *et a si*nal, and ten you +an.t reset it, it 0ust alarms all tetime, wit te 1ell rin*in*, and te +a-tain says te only tin* you +an do is -ull te main

swit+, wi+ suts te wole tin* off!65o wile tis re-airman was lookin* at te 1lue-rints, tryin* to fi*ure out wi+ way to*o or wat to look for, ( asked, 6Were.s te 1utton tat resets it?6

'e says, 6Tis little 1utton ere!66'a)e you *ot a -ie+e of -a-er?6'e tore off a little -ie+e and ( so)ed it u- into te +onta+t 1eind te 1utton! ( -used

and -ulled at te +onta+t, wi+ was loose, ten asked for a -air of needle2nose -liers! ( fiedte +onta+t so te 1utton would seat -ro-erly wit te -a-er in tere, ten -used te 1utton!

6Trow te swit+,6 ( said!'e trew te swit+ and te alarm was +lear 0ust tat sim-le! E)ery1ody.s lookin* for

sometin* 1i*! Tis was te ty-e of tin* ( was doin*, and ( was doin* most of it from a

-sy+i+ stand-oint!'ere.s anoter eam-le= We ad an an+or win+ tat one of te el-ers ad *one downto do some re-air work on! (t ad a u*e, drum2ty-e +ontroller wit a1out 8; or N; wires+omin* into it, and tis *uy +ame in and took all tese wires loose and 0ust left tem an*in*out wit no dia*ram of ow to -ut tem 1a+k to*eter! (t was on one of te older si-s, andtere were no 1lue-rints on it, notin*! 5o ( went down and sat tere lookin* at tat tin*, and( 0ust started -i+kin* u- wires and -uttin* tem to*eter, sti+kin* tem ere and tere, ereand tere, mostly 1y feel or intuition or sometin*! Wen ( *ot trou* wit it, you +ould taketat tin* and 0ust do anytin* wit it!

Anoter time, te 55 &emesis, a Coast uard +utter runnin* off2+oast +on)oys out of>oston, +ame into te &a)y yard wit a steerin* *ear -ro1lem! (t was an old si-! Tey ad

an ele+tri+al steerin* *ear arran*ement on tat tin*, and tey would 1e floatin* alon* in temiddle of a +on)oy and *o two -oints star1oard or two -oints -ort, and tat tin* would turnaround ri*t in te middle of te +on)oy tey +ouldn.t sto- it!

(t ad 1een worked on 1y men from te >oston &a)y #ard, te &ew #ork &a)y #ard, te>rooklyn &a)y #ard! Te 5-erry Com-any +ame down from teir ead4uarters in >rooklynwit all teir 1lue-rints and worked on it! >ut te tin* lo+ked u- a*ain te net time te si-went out and made a full +ir+le! Well, tey re-aired it a*ain at te Carleston and Ja+kson)ille&a)y #ards witout su++ess, ten finally 1rou*t it into %ey West witout tellin* us anytin*

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of teir -rior trou1les!A *uy ( worked -retty well wit at te &a)y yard tere was one of te omeliest uman

1ein*s, 1ut one of te most lo)a1le +ara+ters, ( ad e)er met! 'e was an old 1oy from'amilton, (llinois, named Pi* Dewiese! Te day ( met im we sook ands and e said, 6Call

me Pi*, e)ery1ody else does!6 5o e and ( went to fi tis steerin* *ear! We didn.t a)e1lue-rints, we 0ust ad our and tools!We started out at te elm! Tis is te steerin* me+anism, wi+ as a *rou- of

ele+tri+al +onta+ts underneat so tat as you turn te elm and te +onta+ts are made,ele+tri+al im-ulses are sent down trou* a series of relays into te en*ine room and into tesaft alley were te steerin* *ear is lo+ated! We dis+onne+ted ea+ one of tese +onta+tsindi)idually, ti*tened all te +onne+tions and sand-a-ered all of tem7 and we went fromtere ste- 1y ste- trou* ea+ relay, all te way down to te steerin* *ear itself! Ten wetook te 1ruses out of te motor and under+ut te +ommutator and sanded it and ti*tenede)erytin*, ea+ wit a +ertain feel as we went alon*! (t took us a1out two days alto*eter!

Wen we re-orted to te en*ineer tat we were finised, e told us to *o ome and

-re-are for an o)erni*t tri- around te Dry Tortu*as, islands at te westernmost ti- of teFlorida %eys! 'e said, 6We.re *oin* to *o out now and test it! We.re not *oin* on any more+on)oy duty until tis tin* andles ri*t! (f you *uys a)en.t *ot it fied, you.re *oin* to 1ewit us wen it lo+ks u- te net time to see if you +an find te -ro1lem!6

We went out to te Dry Tortu*as and 1a+k, and tat tin* would answer to one -oint, twoor ten 0ust like +lo+kwork! Wen we were ready to lea)e te si- we were standin* u- in tewin*s of te 1rid*e wit te +a-tain and +ief en*ineerin* offi+er, and te +a-tain turned to usand started tellin* te wole story of ow many different -eo-le and &a)y yards ad workedon tis 1efore us!

6( +an.t understand,6 e says, 6ow we +an +ome into a se+ond2rate &a)y yard, and two+ountry 1oys wit no 1lue-rints +an +ome down ere and fi sometin* te -eo-le wo

manufa+tured it +ouldn.t fi!6Old Pi* s-oke u- and said, 6Ca-tain, we didn.t a)e sense enou* to know we +ouldn.tfi it so we went aead and fied it!6

( *uess tat.s ri*t! >ut as ( see it from were ( stand now, tere as 1een a -sy+i+ a1ilityin tese tin*s from te )ery 1e*innin* of my life, and tere as 1een a ealin* a1ility! Wen( was a1out G or $, down at te mill wit my fater, we ad an al+ooli+ +om-any do+torwo would 1e laid u- drunk somewere, and wen one of te workmen would *et urt (would *o aead and treat im! ( +leaned teir wounds and 1anda*ed tem and took +are oftem until tey *ot 1a+k on te 0o1 a*ain, and (.)e noti+ed all trou* my life tat ( a)e someealin* a1ility, 1ut ( always ke-t it dam-ened down so it wouldn.t eert itself!

Well, after my sirtless run2in wit te *uard ( *ot to tinkin* tat (.d 1etter *et out oftere 1efore ( *ot myself into real trou1le! 5in+e we were at war anytin* tat sowed u-mi*t *et me sla--ed in te +an for a few years! ( told tem ( ad to lea)e and tey let me *o!( went 1a+k u- to Fort Lauderdale and wile ( was tere ( *ot into an automo1ile a++identdrunk one ni*t, ridin* wit a friend of mine! ( ke-t tellin* im tat tat old +ar e wasdri)in* wouldn.t stand te -ressure e was -uttin* on it, until we went into a dit+! ( ended u-in te os-ital wit my left and s+arred u- -retty 1ad and te ri*t one nearly +ut off!

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KWen ( left, te &a)y re-orted to te draft 1oard tat ( wasn.t workin* as a +i)ilian in te

war effort! Ri*t away tey started +allin* me in for eaminations and all, and ( *uess a)in*a 1ad and was te only tin* tat ke-t me from a)in* to *o 1a+k into te Army or &a)y,wi+ a--arently was all -art of te -lan for me!

(.d always wanted to *o to California! Wen ( was out ere soldierin* at te &a)y yard in5an Pedro, (.d s+outed around 'ollywood and Los An*eles and *one u- to 5an Fran+is+o onone o++asion! Ten wen ( was out ere in .$:, .$$ ( *uess it was, ( was tra)elin* in -retty

*ood +om-any in a +auffeur2dri)en limousine wi+ 1elon*ed to my 1oss and stayin* at te>e)erly Wilsire 'otel, and ( really fell in lo)e wit California!(.d done some weel ali*nment work for a man in Orlando many years 1efore te war

wo was from California, and e)ery year wen e +ame 1a+k to Florida e would +ome 1yand a)e me do is ali*nment a*ain! 'e ad told a Crysler dealer in >e)erly 'ills a1out mywork and ( wrote to tem a1out +omin* out to work for tem! Tey said tey.d 1e )ery *lad toa)e me and sent me *asoline ration ti+kets and e)erytin* to *et out ere wit! Tis was in:8!

( *ot myself 1a+k on my feet a*ain after te a++ident, sold e)erytin* ( ad wi+

wasn.t mu+ at te time and 1ou*t a ouse2trailer! Ten my wife Jean and my

ste-dau*ter and ( started out for California in a little .$N Oldsmo1ile si2+ylinder +ou-e,

-ullin* a mu+2too2ea)y trailer fully loaded wit e)erytin* we +ould -ut in it!We ad a )ery a/ardous tri-, wit a1out ei*t 1lowouts on te trailer and tat old +ar,wit no s-are a)aila1le until we *ot into El Paso! ( looked u- an old friend in Juare/ andasked wat ( +ould do for a set of tires! 'e sent me 1a+k a+ross te 1order to a man in El Pasowo was in te 1la+k market, and ( 1ou*t a set of tires for te Oldsmo1ile and -ut te oldtires from te Olds on te trailer and mana*ed to make it out ere!

( went to work for te Crysler dealer and -ut te trailer in te first trailer -ark we lookedat, in 5anta Moni+a! We li)ed tere for se)eral monts until ( found a ouse o)er on Ari/onaA)enue! Ri*t after te war (.d sent in an order to te >eeline Manufa+turin* Com-any inDa)en-ort for a +om-lete weel ali*nment and frame2strai*tenin* ma+ine, wit a weelstrai*tener and 1alan+er and te wole 1it! ( didn.t a)e te sli*test idea wat ( was *oin* to

1e a1le to do wit it at te time, 1ut ( knew full well tat if ( *ot my order in in time ( would*et first -riority wen steel was released after te war!Wen ( finally *ot my e4ui-ment te latter -art of .:N or early in .:, ( mo)ed ri*t

around te +orner from te Crysler dealer, on Wilsire and Ro1ury! (.d 1uilt 4uite afollowin* tat went wit me into my own 1usiness, and ( stayed tere until .: wen te-arkin* -ro1lem *ot too 1ad! >e)erly 'ills was 1e*innin* to de)elo- -retty fast so ( 1ou*t a*ara*e 1usiness o)er in West 'ollywood on te +orner of >e)erly and La Jolla! (t was 4uite alar*e -la+e, wit not only weel ali*nment and frame strai*tenin* 1ut 1ody -aintin* and a

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ser)i+e station! ( *ot to feelin* like a 1i*2sot wit all tat 1usiness!(n te meantime, Jean and ( ad ad a 1a1y! Linda was a little tin* of -erfe+tion,

a1solute -erfe+tion! We.d tried on+e 1efore in Florida, 1ut Jean *ot dou1le -neumonia andten -remature +ild1irt it er! 5e ad a still1irt and was 1ein* o-erated on wile Pearl

'ar1or was 1ein* 1om1ed! ( was down at te lo+al 1ar tellin* e)eryone my -ro1lems! >utsin+e my automo1ile a++ident 1efore mo)in* to California, ( adn.t ad a drink in almost fi)eyears!

( was out at te Elks Clu1 one ni*t, wi+ (.d 0oined for 1usiness reasons, standin* at te1ar wit te seriff on one side of me and te mayor of 5anta Moni+a on te oter! (.d 1eentoyin* wit te idea of *oin* 1a+k to 1eer, and wen te seriff asked me to a)e a drink wittem, ( ordered a >ud! Te net day ( was 1a+k to drinkin* a 4uart a day, 0ust tat fast!

Tryin* to *et te 1usiness of some insuran+e ad0usters, ( 1ou*t a 1oat so ( +ould taketem out e)ery 5unday and drink wit tem! ( ended u- wit a 1un+ of freeloaders and a $G2foot 1oat down in Wilmin*ton tat ( +ouldn.t afford! We would *o down late Friday or5aturday ni*t and take a tri- to Catalina *o o)er to te istmus and lay out o)er te

weekend and -retend to fis for awile, 1ut mostly we.d 0ust sit o)er tere and drink!My family relations were terri1le! ( was 1a+k into te old si+k 1oo/e tin* a*ain, and itwas so 1ad ( was s-endin* all my money and lettin* my 1ills sta+k u- on me! ( was a1out:,;;; 1eind on witoldin* ta on my +rew and ( ad G men workin* for me, so anin)esti*ator +ame in to find out wy ( adn.t 1een -ayin* it! ( ne)er will for*et tis *uy7 ewas a real -leasant little man 1y te name of 5a-iro! ( in)ited im out on my ya+t and of+ourse e su**ested ( sell it! Ten e went down and wrote a +e+k on my 1ank a++ounttoward te ta 1ill tat took e)ery dime ( ad! E)entually ( *ot it all +leared u- and sold te1oat!

>y 8; 1e+ause of te 1oo/e my wife was 1e*innin* to talk a1out di)or+e and tatworried me a little 1it 1e+ause ( ad a *ood tin* tere! ( +ould run around any-la+e and *etome any our of te ni*t, kno+k lam-s o)er and 1reak u- te furniture and e)erytin*, andnot ear too mu+ a1out it! We ad 1rou*t te old man out from Florida to li)e wit us1e+ause ( tou*t so mu+ of im and wanted im wit me, and e was *ettin* too old to stay1y imself! ( ke-t trowin* my wei*t around, 1ut tey talked me into *oin* down to anAl+ooli+s Anonymous meetin*! ( didn.t know wat kind of meetin* ( was at te first timeuntil two or tree -eo-le asked ow lon* (.d 1een on te -ro*ram and ow lon* (.d 1een so1er and ( wasn.t so1er at te time!

( sat tere at tat meetin* and e)ery time tey mentioned od ( would *o, 6'mmm!6 &oway was ( *oin* to *o for any of tat! ( ad ad *ood reli*ious trainin* wen ( was a kid! >ut( went to AA, went to teir dan+es, mainly to -lease my wife so se wouldn.t lea)e, and ( ke-t*ettin* drunker and drunker!

>y 8G my mornin* ritual was to *et u- and -our a full water *lass of Ron Ri+o rumand take it into te 1atroom wit me and set it down on te little *lass self in front of temirror! (.d take a1out four drinks of tat and it would +ome u- immediately alon* wit *reen1ile, until te fift or sit one ( +ould *et down! And te minute tat stuff stayed down all my-ro1lems were *one! ( +ould sa)e and ( was steady! ( +ould *o aead and drink te rest of it,-our myself anoter one and drink tat too, and ( was ten feet tall 2 sua)e, de1onair,intelli*ent, e)erytin* ( wanted to 1e!

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>ut ( was still a slo1! 5o one mornin*, on te G:t of Mar+, 8G, ( was standin* terelookin* at my 1loodsot eyes, and ( said, 6(.m not *oin* to drink tis mornin*! (.m *oin* toski- it!6 And ( latered u- and -i+ked u- my ra/or and ( was sakin* so 1ad ( +ouldn.t *et myra/or to my fa+e witout +uttin* my troat! 5o ( looked ri*t into my eyes tere in te mirror

and told myself, 6#ou a)en.t *ot far to *o

you.re of no )alue to any1ody, your 1usinessand your family life are 1ankru-t!

6Te -ro1lem wit you,6 ( said, 6is tat you tink you.re te *reatest, tere.s no one in teworld *reater tan you! #ou a)e no 1elief in anytin* 1ut yourself and you.)e made a messof e)erytin* you.)e e)er tou+ed! (t.s a1out time you looked to wat tey +all te i*er-ower in Al+ooli+s Anonymous! #ou.d 1etter take a *ood look at it! >e+ause if you don.tyou.re *onna die, and it will 1e a 1lessin* wen you do!6

( sook my ra/or in my

water from a deeper well © (novel)

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