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The Disgrace of the DuPage County Bar AssociationThe Disgrace of the of the of DuPage County Bar Association

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A Fake News Special Edition - Read at Your Own Risk!

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Lawyer is Running in 2018?

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Motions in Limine? Try Motions in Lingerie!

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PRESS RELEASEFor Immediate Release

The White Sox stadium, previously known as The Cell, has changed its name to Guaranteed Rate Field, or The GRF (Grief) for short. This was inspired by the incredible contribution of the DCBA Grief to the history of baseball.

86107_DCBA-Cover.indd 3 3/28/17 3:12 PM

DCBA Grief April 2017 1

Articles 8 Killing Blunt Language in Illinois Statutes

By Chesterton J. Munger

9 Rule 8.4- The Proposed Changes as to What Constitutes Misconduct By Silence DoGood

Table of Contents

The Wannabe Journal of the DuPage County Bar Association

News

12 InGrief By Barry Tentchov

13 Judicial Profile of Wilbur T. Pig By John Dolittle, DVM, JD

14 Planning Committee To Create Combination Law Incubator/Hotel For Underemployed New Lawyers By Matt Pfeiffer

15 Sons of Chancery Motorcycle Club Roars into Wheaton

16 Judge for a Day Pilot Program Coming to DuPage County in July

17 New Streamlined Pretrial Memo Form Announced

18 Classifieds

264 Meet Your New Associate Judge

Events&

2 Editor’s Message

4 President’s Message

John Pcolinski First to Volunteer for Judge for a Day. Details Inside.

Volume 29, Issue 8April 2017

86107_DCBA-Grief.indd 1 3/28/17 3:25 PM

DCBA Grief April 20172

The nice thing about putting together the Grief is that one is not beholden to facts – those pesky things that box you in and suck all the fun out of life. As creators of satire, spoofery and stupidity, the contributors to the Grief have the liberty to wander off into realms of fantasy. If they want to write about the chal-lenges faced by a pair of Siamese-twin lawyers on opposite sides of a case, they can do it! If they want to reminisce about that time canna-bis filled Poonchkies1 made their way into the ARC, and eeeeverybody was late for court...well, they can do that too! It’s awesome. We can make fake news without being blocked by Facebook or yelled at in a press conference. The only trick is to be funny.

Actually, the trick is to be funny without being overtly offensive. And these days, offend-ing someone is as easy as falling off a log.2 Last year our Editor in Chief got one angry letter regarding an offhand comment made by some unthinking, anonymous contributor (“cough-cough”) in last year’s Grief. With our broad readership, it is difficult to know what turn of phrase made in passing might hit a nerve and upset one of our readers. As a result, this year, we are being extra careful. We nixed the Eastland Disaster knock-knock jokes and the full-page ad for the Bill Cosby Barista School.

There is an ancient, ironic, and oft quoted Chinese curse which goes, “May you live in interesting times.” Well, right now America seems to be undergoing the effects of this curse. We are living in very interesting times. The Cubs won the World Series, Donald J. Trump is President of the United States, and

By Christopher J. Maurer

worst of all, that Maude series reboot I’ve been looking forward to has been canceled! The good thing about living in interesting times is that it gives the contributors to the Grief much fodder with which to work.

This fodder is blended, heated to just the right temperature, and allowed to ferment for several weeks in the dumpsters outside the Cafe DuPage. Then a proprietary filtering technique is applied which removes all (most) impurities. The resulting “schtick” is then spread evenly over a dozen magazine pages. Coloring is added (Red Dye 40 we bought dirt cheap from a guy on Ebay). Then add a scoop of your favorite ice cream and voila! You have Grief a la Mode. Grab a spoon and enjoy. But don’t consume it all in one sitting, and to quote Creedence Clearwater Revival, “There’s a bathroom on the right!”

I want to thank the contributors, idea engines, humorists (humorons?), groaners, and warped deviants whose hard work, patience and submissions always make this issue a pleasure to work on, including but not limited to Jacki Hamler, Terry Benshoof, John Pcolinski, Christine McTigue, Raleigh Kalbfleisch, Tim Klein, Sean McCumber, Azam Nizammudin, Jay Reese, Brian Dough-erty, Art Rummler, Sean McCumber, and the rest of the DCBA’s Editorial Board. I lastly want to thank my friend and colleague, Dennise McCann who suffered through my incessant grumbling about having to put this rag together and who contributed some of the funniest ideas that appear in this issue.

Christopher J. Maurer is an attorney with the law firm of Anderson & Associates, P.C., where he has concentrated his practice in family law for over a decade in DuPage, Cook, Kane, Will and Kendall Counties. Christopher is a member of the DuPage County Bar Association. He is a trained Guardian ad Litem and certified Mediator for the 18th Judicial Circuit, and serves as a member of the DCBA Brief’s editorial board. Christopher received his Juris Doctorate from Loyola University School of Law in 1997 and his Bachelor of Science from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, College of Communications in 1994.

CNN and Breitbart, Eat Your Hearts Out. We Got Your Fake News, Right Here!

From the Editor

1. Spelled “paczki” with a funny little doodad under the letter ‘a’, according to John Pczczvolinscvki.

2. I apologize in advance to members of the lumber industry and those suffering from vertigo.


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As loyal readers know, I have a ton of very strongly held opinions which the Editorial Board then makes me water down on this page. I have been working on this since shortly af-ter November 8 but have been sidetracked by a number of personal appearances at mem-bership meetings, State of the Courthouse addresses, unilaterally creating partnerships with other bar organizations and a little open heart surgery which I refuse to let slow me down. In early December I had occasion to drop by my very close friend, Brent Chris-tensen’s new venture, Cowboy Brent’s Movie Studio and Riding Academy to offer a little of my cinematic expertise on his soon to be released Me and Casey: A Love Story.2 (Funny thing, Brent’s cowboy hat looks just like a lampshade). I was shocked to find Brent, Don-ald Trump and Vladimir Putin in the barn, shirtless working out the details of a new world order to be imposed shortly after Inauguration Day.

Brent of course greeted me with his customary “Great to see you, Teddy Boy old pal-o-mino!”3 “I’d like you to meet my two new besties, President Elect, Trumpo Gigio and his chief puppet master, Manly Vlad Putin. Vlad dropped by to admire my ink and Donny to borrow a little Mane ‘n Tail in advance of an outdoor speech he’s going to make next month (he thinks it might be a little windy). Of course one thing led to another and then it got a little uncomfortable, if you know what I mean. Maybe you can help out – see these guys aren’t officially allowed to talk yet but I am betting you can facilitate things by doing one

of those hard hitting interview columns you are so fond of. They can read the article and listen to their respective answers and com-municate indirectly.”

I leapt (or is it leaped?) at the opportunity to help shape human history. What follows are the important, insightful questions and equally pithy answers from that afternoon:

Me: “Mr. Trump, it is apparent that you have a great deal of respect for the Judiciary and the Rule of Law, you would agree that it is improper to nominate Federal Judges just because you share a locker at your country club, right?”

Trump: “Yeah, right. What are you, some kind of foreign agitator? Besides, we share a locker at the Glen Ellyn Mini-golf.”

Me: “President Putin, some people are say-ing you are behind and actively financing the rebel uprising in Ukraine, you deny that, right?”

Putin:

Me: “Since Congress has expressly exempted its members from having to comply with any securities fraud statutes, why do you think the meanies in the media keep mention-ing YOUR potential business conflicts of interest?” (Continued on next page)

Insipid Bias, or Two “Bros” Walk Into A Stable1

President’s Message

By Ted A. Donner

Ted A. Donner is the President of the DuPage County Bar Association. The owner of Donner & Company Law Offices LLC in Wheaton, Illinois, his practice is concentrated in commercial litigation and transactional work for small business. Recognized as DCBA’s Lawyer of the Year in 2011, he has been AV-Rated and recognized by Super Lawyers in each of the last ten years. He is an Adjunct Professor with Loyola University Chicago School of Law and the author of two treatises for Thomson Reuters (West), including Jury Selection: Strategy & Science and Attorneys Practice Guide to Negotiations.

1. I just love to use footnotes. I think they make everything look scholarly.2. See what I mean? Go ahead and follow this link, I dare you. https://www.

youtube.com/watch?v=FLohxjWX_zw 3. Equine humor is the best.

4. I taught myself Russian for this article. It says: Wow, you really put the wood to me with that queston. I cannot believe that Bob Thomas survived his session with you.



DCBA Grief welcome members’ feedback. Please send any Letters to the Editor at any time, for any reason. Not really.

EditorsJames RyanKnight Rider

Azam NizammudinJeopardy!

Christopher J. MaurerThe Fall Guy

Editorial BoardAnthony AbearMr. Belvedere

Terrence BenshoofBarnaby Jones

Annette CorriganPunky Brewster

Brian DoughertyInspector Gadget

Dexter EvansReading Rainbow

Peter EvansJoker’s Wild

Lawrence GregoryGunsmoke

Raleight D. KalbfleischCagney and/or Lacey

Timothy KleinDiff’rent Strokes

James F. McCluskeyThe Equalizer

Sean McCumberALF

Christine McTigueSolid Gold

Jane NagleThe Young & the Restless

Joseph K. NicheleHee Haw

John J. Pcolinski, Jr.The Duke of Hazzard

Jay ReeseCaptain Kangaroo

Arthur W. RummlerThe Beverly Hillbilly

Jordan SartellDoogie Howser, MD

David N. SchafferColumbo

Michael R. SitrickManimal

Eric R. WaltmireBanana Splitz

Jacki HamlerMission Impossible

The DCBA Grief is a publication of the DuPage County Bar Association126 South County Farm RoadWheaton Illinois 60187(630) 653-7779

Pretends to

Trump: “Keep that up and I will make sure you get a seat front and center at all Sean Spicer briefings.”

Me: “Mr. Putin, I think it is important for political officials to be elected solely on merit and without interference from outsiders. How many votes did you swing for His Bigliness?”

Putin:

Me: “Mr. President-Elect, some committees I am affiliated with rated you Not Presently Recommended and said you have no credible experience as a world leader, now that you have won the job and will prove them all wrong, can I ask you to appoint me to a judicial position?”

Trump: “Only if you promise to totally kiss up during your address as President of the DCBA at my inauguration.”

I came away from the interview with a new found respect for those two awesome world leaders having totally rejected my preconceived notions that were lurking unknown in my subconscious. That said, I am sure we are all chock full of our own little known, readily abandoned biases. I plan to extend my Presidency for another term so we can create another commis-sion and partner up with bar associations and special interests countrywide to study the issue.

It may be a “bad thing” to point out, but it is increasingly clear that some of us, regardless of how others see ourselves, harbor insipid biases. As Professors Benshoof and Calabrese explained in Baldspot: Reflecting Back on Silly People6 – Even the Most Earnest Among Us Can Be Quick to Confirm Their Reputations:

“A husband and his wife are in a Bar accident. Morale dies at the scene, the Executive Director takes a new job and Brent Christensen takes a year off to make a Pro Se Video for Cowboys in the Clerk’s Office.7”

Not sure what the point is but I think it’s time for me to go fawn over some-one who can help my judicial aspirations.

President’s Message (Continued from page 4)

5. Pooty says: Actually you have it wrong. I helped Hillary to the tune of 4.3 million votes but only in California.6. Can you believe how low some people will stoop to get a laugh?7. “I wish I knew how to quit him.”


JUDGES REACTING TO JUDGE’S NITEWe’re sure they were laughing on the inside


Artic

les

What did you just call me?

JUDGES REACTING TO JUDGE’S NITE

8 Killing Blunt Language in Illinois Statutes By Chesterton J. Munger

9 Rule 8.4- The Proposed Changes as to What Constitutes Misconduct By Silence DoGood



ARTICLES

8

Boredom is natural to the human condition. Just as we humans go through periods of soul-crushing ennui, the Illinois Congress, as a legislative body, likewise gets bored out of its collective skull from time to time. In their boredom, our leg-islators will often do silly things, like making changes to the very words that we have been using ever since English language broke away from its Proto-Germanic roots a thousand years ago. The Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act is one flagrant example of this, wherein the lawmakers have stripped us of the eminently useful word “custody” and replaced it with a difficult mouthful of pablum: “allocation of parental responsibilities and parenting time.”

The stated rationale for this maceration and reconstitution of a perfectly good English word is that the bluntness of the word is harmful to the psyche of the litigants, and that the use of the longer, blander phraseology will somehow dupe the litigants into settling their cases earlier. The author suspects, however, that the fees and costs generated by the time it takes to chant this ridiculous mantra and the amount of extra ink and paper it generates on legal papers (as opposed to just saying “custody”) will offset any hoped-for reduction in contentious litigation costs.

Killing Blunt Language in Illinois Statutes

By Chesterton J. Munger

If Illinois is going to continue along the route of long-winded-but-nice-sounding legislative drafting, the author proposes the following additional changes to our statutory lexicon:

Complaint = Polite Request for Judicial Assistance in Resolving Differences; Plaintiff = Polite Requestor; Defendant = Equally Polite Requestor Counterpart; Judge = Non-Judgmental Facilitator of Resolutions; Jury = Supportive Facilitating Peer Group; Objection = Question Modification Request; Damages = Downward Wealth Impact Coefficient; Trial = Post-Collaborative Decision Summit; Mistrial = Inadvertent Summit Conclusion; Verdict = Fairness Manifesto; Appeal = Fairness Manifesto Tweaking Request;

So, call your local representative, go to their offices, attend their town-hall meetings, and DEMAND (politely suggest) that they IMMEDIATELY (at their earliest convenient oppor-tunity) propose legislation to WATER DOWN (gently temper the forcefulness) of the language of Illinois Law!1

1. For readers upset by the author’s use of an exclamation point, please feel free to white it out and replace it with a punctuation mark of your choice...or no punctuation – it’s totally up to you. If you are still upset, please contact the Editor in Chief, and we will re-print the issue for you with the punctuation (or lack thereof) of your choice.

(Or Linguistic Euthanasia of Emotionally Distressing Verbiage)



ARTICLES

9

Currently under debate in the Illinois legal community is the question of whether the Supreme Court should adopt Rule 8.4 of the American Bar Association’s Rules of Professional Conduct in its entirety, or in some modified fashion. Of partic-ular note is Section (g) of the ABA Rule, which includes, in the prohibited acts, conduct which the lawyer knows, or reason-ably should know, is harassment or discrimination on the basis of a myriad of otherwise undefined terms. The Comments to the Rule seem to muddle the situation further, indicating that prohibited conduct includes matters verbal or physical towards others. Critics of the proposed changes claim that these standards are far too vague for attorneys to be able to aggressively represent their clients without falling prey to visits to the ARDC.

We at the Grief, have undertaken to consult with experts, in the hope of clarifying these matters, to allow a more focused debate. We also offer some suggestions as to modifications to make a proposed Rule more workable in the modern legal com-munity.

Just what might be construed as “harmful verbal conduct”? And would that determination be made in accordance with the speaker’s understanding, or that of the most delicate listener? For example, if counsel referred to an opposing witness as “…that lying sack of------,” would the rule be violated? Or perhaps if the opposing counsel then responded by calling the speak-er a “doody-head,” would he or she be in ARDC trouble? To

Rule 8.4- The Proposed Changes as to What Constitutes Misconduct

By Silence DoGood

assist, we called that noble scholar of the English tongue, Mr. Language Guy, and posed some phraseology from widely accepted author Mr. W. Shakespeare, to be construed under the proposed Rule. As a starter, we asked Mr. Language Guy if referring to opposing counsel as a “mad wag” could pass muster under Rule 8.4. He pointed out that “mad” could be an improper reference to one’s mental stability, and “wag” might infuriate PETA. Next we suggested “sweet beef” as an appellation, but he noted that once again, PETA might be offended, plus vegetar-ians would certainly find the reference offensive. Additionally there could be health concerns as to whether the “sweet” was about natural sugar, or some carcinogenic artificial sweetener. He suggested that calling opposing counsel a “pismire” would be construed more favorably, as it was unlikely anyone would have the vaguest idea as to what that meant.

It was beginning to be clear that the Rule would require considerable refining. The Grief analysts were also concerned as to the effect the Rule might have on the Senior Lawyers’ Section, as they were from a generation used to a more “crusty” vocabulary. It was suggested that any adoption of the Rule should include a “Curmudgeon Exception” for attorneys over the age of 60, or who had prior police or military experience. We ran that idea past Senior Section member Joe Mirabella, who commented that the entire concept was “just a bunch of %$$@##**!!.” Until further clarification of the Rule, the Grief must concur with Mr. Mirabella’s sentiment.

(Or Linguistic Euthanasia of Emotionally Distressing Verbiage)


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Doug DrenkDress


Super Duper Lawyers Announce Tryouts. Special Powers Required.

DressNe

ws

& E

vent

s12 InGrief

By Barry Tentchov

13 Judicial Profile of Wilbur T. Pig By John Dolittle, DVM, JD

14 Planning Committee To Create Combination Law Incu-bator/Hotel For Underemployed New Lawyers By Matt Pfeiffer

15 Sons of Chancery Motorcycle Club Roars into Wheaton

16 Judge for a Day Pilot Program Coming to DuPage County in July

17 New Streamlined Pretrial Memo Form Announced

18 Classifieds

264 Meet Your New Associate Judge


News & Events


InGrief

Since the Judges’ Nite 42nd annual show, Leadership in the Post Truth World, delved into some of the significant national issues raised in the 2016 elections, InGrief took it upon itself to consult with some of those “in the know” as to just how accurate the show portrayed what really happened. In a telephone interview with the Rus-sian Ambassador, Prof. Ivan Offyllich, InGrief asked the tough question: did the Russians hack the DNC’s, and Hillary’s, computers to influence the election. The Ambassador responded “Nyet! It was Moose and Squirrel”! And there you have it!

In the Courts Having now moved the Wheaton Field Court and Glendale Heights Field Court into the courthouse, the Court adminis-trator announced that effective April 1, 2017, the Addison and Downers Grove Field Courts would also move into the

courthouse, utilizing the vacant space next to the shoeshine stand. This will save the attorneys who do traffic cases, and also other criminal cases, consid-erable travel time, while allowing them the additional opportunity to keep their shoes looking great. Overflow parking, due to the morning and afternoon increased traffic from defendants and attorneys, will be located on the polo fields in Oak Brook. Shuttle service to the courthouse will be provided.

People, Places InGrief continues to scoop the media outlets for those news items about our membership.

InGrief has learned that Momkus McCluskey Roberts, having recently completed mergers with all of the remaining law firms in DuPage County, has now entered into discussions to

By Barry Tentchov

acquire the DuPage Medical Group. It is rumored that the mega-firm is also eyeing the WinTrust Bank conglomer-ate, Attorney’s Title Guaranty, and two Dunkin Donuts franchises.

Last year, InGrief felt, having read the various Super Lawyer, Emerging Lawyers, and Rising Stars lists, recogni-tion should not be limited to just a couple hundred out of the 96,000 or so licensed attorneys in the state. We tried for our own list of the Pretty Much Not So Great Lawyers of 2016. But the editors shot that down, because it wasn’t inclusive. Taking a cue from the Post Truth World, InGrief announces that for 2017, all the lawyers in Illinois who did not make the “big time” lists will be awarded a partici-pation trophy. And for only $29.95, they can order a wall plaque, mad of genuine simulated wood, with their name and the inscription “2017 Lawyer Participation Award”!


News & Events


By John Dolittle, DVM, JD

An unexpected thing happened at last year’s DuPage County Fair. A prize pig named Wilbur escaped from the County Fairgrounds with the help of two accomplices, a spider and a rat. Many of us have heard a fictionalized account of this story, from E.B. White’s classic novel, Charlotte’s Web, but not all of us re-member what happened afterward – the Honorable Wilbur T. Pig’s rise to judicial prominence.

After escaping from the fairgrounds, Wilbur ended up sneaking into the DuPage courthouse disguised as a drug-sniffing Sheriff’s dog. Once inside, the rest was easy: Wilbur stole a coat and one of Mike Edgerton’s cowboy hats from the ARC, and through a series of blunders, Wilbur T. Pig was appointed as associate judge. He has been handling the Animal Law Division – where the rights of our furry, four-legged friends are adjudicated – ever since.

In that role he’s made some waves, particularly when he selflessly joined with the Halal and Kosher legal communi-ties in pursuing a preliminary injunction banning ham, bacon and sausage from

the Café DuPage menu. When confront-ed by an angry (hangry?) objector to this dietary injunction, who claimed it was an infringement on his rights to life, liberty, and a delicious Monte Cristo, Judge Wilbur testily responded, “Eat me…no don’t!!”

Wilbur’s long-time friend, Arnold Ziffel, from back in his rollicking days on Green Acres, describes Judge Wilbur as a “por-cine Posner of prodigious perspicacity who has taken to his job on the bench like…well…like a pig takes to mud.”

Speaking of mud, much of it was thrown Judge Wilbur’s way when he presided over the divorce case of Miss Piggy v. Kermit T. Frog and was accused of species bias. Kermit was quoted as saying, “That judge [Wilbur] ruled completely in her favor on every issue. I guess swine of a feather flock together. The judge acted like he was her puppet…And I know puppets!!”

Despite such criticism, Judge Wilbur has earned a solid reputation as a thought-ful and fair-minded jurist. But he doesn’t do it alone. “I couldn’t do this job at all

if it weren’t for the diligent efforts of my court clerk, Charlotte,” he says, referring to Charlotte A. Cavatica, an intelligent orb-weaver spider who, like Wilbur, has mastered the English language. “She writes all of my opinions,” admits Wilbur, “in silken web over the doorway to my chambers, of course.”

According to Judge Wilbur’s courtroom deputy, Templeton the Rat (who sounds suspiciously like 1970’s actor and come-dian Paul Lynde), the judge sees it as his mission to push the envelope of animal rights and wants more animal judicial appointments. “Y’know who Judge Wilbur recommended for appointment?” says Templeton, “Chelveston the Duck! You know, the old co-host of the Ray Rayner Show? Oh, sure he’s got a sound legal mind and all, but between you, me and the fencepost…he’s kind of an a’hole.”

So, if you happen to be in the vicinity of Judge Wilbur’s Animal Courtroom, stop by his chambers (which can be a bit of a sty), and feed at the trough of his legal wisdom. You won’t be disappointed.

Judicial Profile of Wilbur T. Pig


News & Events


Planning Committee To Create Combination Law Incubator/Hotel For Underemployed New Lawyers

As you know from my piece in the November edition of the DCBA Brief, I am this year’s chair of the Planning Committee. The other members of that committee have since learned of their agreement to participate if they read that article (which might explain the sparse attendance at our most recent meeting).

In that article I noted that of particular concern and warranting attention from the committee was the anticipated/now actual loss of revenue resulting from the termination of the lease for the second floor of the Bar Center. We have since solved that problem, in part, with the opening of Carrie Futterman’s Bed & Breakfast and Law Office in the south-ern half of the second floor. The signage

on that establishment was difficult to get approved by the Board of Directors but the Hot Tub Suites tipped it in. “Life is short. Have another scone.” ©

It occurred to me that not only are newly minted attorneys hard pressed for mean-ingful work and experience, they are also likely living in the basements of their par-ents while trying to service their student debt. So I stormed out of an Executive Committee meeting, convened a special session of the Planning Committee and, after careful consultation with fellow NIU Law School graduate and future incubator director, Reema Bajaj, “aligned my stars.” Having given the subject deep thought and consulted with the powers that be I am proud to announce that the

Illinois Supreme Court Commission on Professionalism has agreed to contribute toward the expense of opening a combi-nation law incubator and single room oc-cupancy hotel on the “Northern” side of the building. Each space will be outfitted with one or more Murphydesks® which will convert each night (or short time in the afternoon with the shades closed) into a place of rest and respite. Our current working name is The Professional[ism] Center. President Ted Donner has, however, created an ad hoc committee to name the facility (he’s not sure if he can work in Bill Bauer’s name yet) and sua sponte appointed for-mer president, Colleen McLaughlin, to head up the logo committee (results are expected sometime during the Michelle Obama presidency). Executive Director Robert Rupp has been tasked with work-ing out the economics of the day-to-day operations and is already in negotiation with The West Wind to meet overflow demand.

I am sure you will all be proud to contrib-ute to the operation of this innovative and unique civility-encouraging program each time you pay your “mandatory contribution”1 to the Commission on Professionalism. It is anticipated that more experienced lawyers will want to frequent the space for mentoring and such.

1. https://166.78.95.9/attyreg/registration/regdept/2017_Fee_Schedule.aspx

By Matt Pfeiffer

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News & Events


There’s a new motorcycle gang in town. They’re mean, they’re dirty, and they claim to be above the law – or at least above remedies at law. They are the Sons of Chancery. If you mess with them, they will demand an accounting. If you don’t pony up what’s due, they will foreclose on your butt so fast, you’ll be out on the street in no time (two years average). You will forfeit your teeth (and other assets), and by the time they’re done with you, you will be begging for equitable relief!

Speaking of relief, in order to relieve some of the congestion in the Chancery Division, the Sons of Chancery Mo-torcycle Club – Wheaton Original has instituted a new Motorcycle Mediation program designed to weed out cases that ought to settle. The mediation rules are

still a work in progress, but some un-named source leaked a preliminary draft which indicates that newly filed chan-cery cases will be assigned to Motorcycle Mediation which goes something like this:

Phase One: The parties meet at noon at a designated “nasty watering hole” in the suburbs (the chancery clerks maintain a list of approved locations – there are plenty, so there should not be a problem finding one). The designated meeting place must meet the following require-ments: (i) your pupils must immediate dilate upon entering the establishment; (ii) your feet must stick to the floor when walking; and (iii) the bathrooms must look like something from the movie Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, Saw VI, Saw 3D, or Saw: Legacy.1 If after fifteen rounds of Jäger-Thumbster (an obscure

thumb-wrestling / drinking game) there is no clear winner and the parties are not in agreement, the litigants move on to Phase Two.

Phase Two: Each party is paired with a Sons of Chancery club member, and strapped to the back of a Harley for a high speed chase around DuPage County and a shootout with rival gang, the Domestic Mutations. If both litigants survive, they move on to Phase Three.

Phase Three: The litigants and their Sons of Chancery club members shake down a liquor store for more Jägermeister, after which they drink until the case settles or a bare knuckle donnybrook breaks out.

The Chancery Division is hoping for a 100% success rate with the program.

Sons of Chancery Motorcycle Club Roars into Wheaton

1. Saw V was purposefully omitted. There were no bathrooms in Saw V.

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News & Events


1. Bring your own gavel.

Pilot Program Coming to DuPage County in July

Taking the lead from Cook County’s Sixth Municipal District, the Eighteenth Judicial Circuit Court is pleased to announce the creation of a new “Judge for a Day” pilot program beginning in July, 2017. According to our Chief Judge, “I read about the wonderful job that our neighbors in Cook County did in turn-ing over an entire court call to a law clerk for a day and thought we should be doing this too.”

The Chief hopes that the “Judge for a Day” Program will provide a greater opportunity for those interested in applying to become associate judge to

“test drive the robe” and to provide our Circuit Judges with a chance to evalu-ate each candidate’s actual performance as a judge. “The recommendations that we receive from the DCBA Judiciary Committee are thorough, informative, and well received by our circuit judges; however, unless you are a pre-selected assistant state’s attorney, there is really no vetting process for associate judge that works better than to actually see them in action. Our pilot program allows us to do just that.”

The Program is expected to be help-ful for the voting public as well – the

program was so successful and well received in Cook County that the law clerk who first posed as a judge won elec-tion a few weeks later for a full circuit position. We expect similar results from our program.

No experience is necessary to participate in the program. The only requirement is that the applicant have a judicial demeanor…de’meaner de’better! Those interested should complete the appli-cation below and return it to the Chief no later than April 30, 2017. Spots will be given out on a first come, first served basis. And remember, BYOG.1

Name: Robe Size: S M L XL XXL Parachute

Favorite Objection: Favorite Courtroom Deputy: Favorite Flavor Doughnut: Favorite Legal Search Engine: Westlaw Lexis Bing

JUDGE FOR A DAY APPLICATION

“Judge for a Day”


News & Events


JOHN DOE, et al., ) Plaintiff ) )v. ) Case Number: )JANE DOE, et al., ) Defendant. )

PRETRIAL MEMORANDUM

Who’s Who? (Never mind, the caption says who’s who.)

What do you want?

How come?

Seriously? Okay, what should the I (the Judge) do?

Should I bother reading this? NO NO

Notes / Doodles / Shopping List:

Use of this Pretrial Memo Format is mandatory in all 18th Judicial Circuit cases. Failure to use this form will result in various, yet to be determined penalties and sanctions, including but not limited to your memo being crumpled up into a ball and thrown at your big, dumb head.

New Streamlined Pretrial Memo Form AnnouncedThe Committee for Constantly Changing Perfectly Acceptable Forms for the Purported Sake of Simplicity (The CfCCPAFftPSoS for short), has come up with a new, streamlined Pretrial Memo Form in the interest of (a) judicial economy; (b) uniformity and simplicity; and (c) to justify the CfCCPAFftPSoS’s continued existence. See below:


News & Events


ClassifiedsOffice Space AvailableMy 2002 Lincoln Navigator broke down in the courthouse parking lot. It’s very roomy and has numerous cup holders. Seats 7, so you can conduct a deposition while your paralegal sits in the “way-back” and works on oth-er stuff. Plus, I think it’s parked just close enough to the court building to get free Wifi!

Singing Process ServersFifteen seasons of American Idol run-ners up and has-beens have noth-ing better to do, so they’ve banded together to serve summons, subpoenas and notices of motion, while at the same time giving the gift of music. As the market for singing telegrams has dried up,

the market for signing summons-es is booming! Just imagine the impression your firm will make when Ruben Studdard shows up at your opponent’s registered agent and belts out the Fats Waller classic Ain’t Misbehavin while serving them with a complaint alleging corporate mal-feasance!

Help Vanted!Solo practitioner seeking to revitalize his practice with “new blood”. Pro-spective associates must be willing to put their neck on the line, especially when the stakes are high. Must cover all morning court calls. Fluency in Ro-manian a plus. Garlic breath will not be tolerated! Call Alucard Law Offices, PC at Transylvania 6-5000 for more details.

Bill More Time With Nutri-Bagz!Is that pesky need to eat interfering with your ability to bill your time? Well with the Nutri-Bagz Intravenous Lawyer Feeding System, you can keep cranking out that work product. Nutri-Bagz uses a proprietary blend of coffee, bourbon, ketchup and Pepto-Bismol to keep you running at optimal efficiency. Just jab in the needle and “GET BACK TA WOIK!” Go to Nutri-Bagz.law for a free month’s supply.

Sumpin’s Fishy FishCleaning & MoneyLaundering ServiceYou got a dirty fish tank? You got dirty money? Call us now. When we get done witcha, you’re Siamese Fighting Fish’s

bowl will be as squeaky clean as your Taiwanese Shell Corporation’s books. What you think I’m funny? Like a clown? Oh, a clown-fish...never mind. Anyway, just call us before the Feds call you.

Join the Jung LawyersNo, not Young Lawyers...If you are a fan of the collective unconscious, outdated psychoanalytical concepts, or other facets of the life of Swiss psy-chiatrist Carl Jung, join us on the last Thursday every month for deep think-ing and deeper drinking. Again, not to be confused with Young Lawyers....and absolutely NO FREUDIANS! They meet at the cigar bar down the street.


what prominent dupage lawyer is running in 2018? turn to page … · 2018-04-04 · ald trump and...

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