you are entirely engrossed in your own body and the

8/14/2019 You Are Entirely Engrossed in Your Own Body and The

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You are entirely engrossed in your own body and the life it holds. It is as if

you were in the grip of a powerful force; as if a wave had lifted you above

and beyond everyone else. In this way there is always a part of a pregnant

woman that is unreachable and is reserved for the future - her baby.

-Sophia Loren

January 3, 1994

I dreamed last night that Kathi told me to wear a certain kind of

truss and the baby would come on May 16th. I wasn't even showing yet and

it was May so I said I should wait. Finally, I decided to wear it and she

said that now I would deliver on June 16th. We'll see. Cori said I should

note that I've been eating a lot of oranges. We'll have to see if the baby

has an intolerance for oranges later in life.

Ale'



O my Lord, I dedicate that which is in my womb unto Thee. Then cause it to

be a praise-worthy child in Thy Kingdom and a fortunate one by Thy favor

and Thy generosity; to develop and to grow up under the charge of Thine

education. Verily, Thou art the Gracious! Verily, Thou art the Lord of Great

Favor!

-Prayer for Expectant Mothers,Baha'i Prayers, p.66

January 4, 1994

I was reading a prayer about "I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord." I

often read the prayer for pregnant women about "dedicating that which is

in my womb to Thee." Now this act of dedication and its implications aredawning on me. I think it means that I do not belong to me and my baby

does not belong to me. We belong to God. Therefore, whatever happens,

even to the point of losing the baby, well, it's okay in the big picture.

Because I've given the baby to God. A deeper interpretation can be

considered when thinking about dedicating statues or memorials to past

heroes or events. That statues become living symbols and representations

of that which we want to remember. We are living talismans of the One

true God, symbols of His sovereignty, glory, majesty, love and mercy...Even

so, I still don't feel like the baby is, in its essence, mine. It still goes to

God. We are His.

Ale'



There is an amazed curiosity in every young mother. It is strangely

miraculous to see and to hold a living being formed within oneself and issued

forth from oneself.

-Simone De Beauvoir

Tuesday, January 25, 1994

My first sonogram.

I had the sonogram yesterday. I saw her arch her back, move her

mouth, play with the cord, and kick me with both feet. The technician

zoned in on the crotch and enlarged it - searching for a penis. She didn't

see one. She said she was "confident it's a girl". Bill got the run-around by

the receptionist who said I wasn't there. He left to look for me in case I

was stuck in the driveway (worst ice storm I ever saw the previous week).

Anyway, he missed it. We've got the best photos, people tell me. They're

very clear.

The baby is in another growing spurt. I went for about a week and ahalf and didn't feel pregnant at all. Then, suddenly on Friday night, I

started feeling the twinges and pulls again. I love it. I love the whole

thing! And I feel completely confident and have no anxiety about the labor

and delivery. Yoga class is training me to relax and La Leche League is

providing information and support from other mothers.

Ale'



January 31, 1994

18th week - 4 1/2 months.

I'm sure I've felt the baby move. When she tosses or flips, it feels

like a flutter. When she punches or kicks it feels like a gas bubble. We

finished the lullaby on Sunday, "Melody and Me". I wrote the words and

melody, and Bill put the music together. I played it against my tummy

today and I felt her jump. She was probably startled by the sound. Maybe

with repetition, she'll get used to it. I'm also starting to talk to her - just

like I talk to the cats. I'm convinced that I first felt her flutter backwhen I wrote about it (12/27). Now I recognize the feeling. If it turns

out that it's a boy, it'll be an awfully funny joke. When I saw her lying on

her back with her legs in the air, I asked myself, "Now, I wonder who she's

taking after here?"

Ale'



February 2, 1994

Groundhog Day.

I saw the baby kick last night. I started feeling her so I looked at

my tummy and saw her kick twice. Then I told Bill about it. We watched

for a long time but it never happened again.

I play the lullaby several times a day by putting head phones around

my belly. Just now I lay back in my chair, took a deep breath to relax and

played her the lullaby through the headphones. She began to move and

kick. When the song was over, I tapped my tummy and she kicked my hand.We did this twice. This is fun. I love being aware of her and carrying her

around with me all the time.

I'm glad she's a girl. The world needs more evolved females,

especially female Baha'is. Even if she turns out to be a boy, as a Baha'i he

will help harmonize the influence of this testosterone-dominated society.

Ale'



Me and Melody

We're together, you and me.

Singing of what is to be.

I'm for you and you're for me.

I adore my Melody.

-Ale' and Bill Hession

February 23, 1994

5 months, 1 week.

The baby's movements are stronger, her kicks are more distinct.

Sometimes she seems to be tickling the bottom of my stomach. Bill has

finally been able to feel her. We sent Mom and Dad the Christmas video

with the lullaby taped on the end. I lip-synched to it in Bill's studio and Bill

taped me. Mom called me the night she heard it. She said it was so sweet

she bawled through the whole thing. Aunt Nancy and Uncle Andy were

visiting them and they got to see it too.

I'm growing so fast, but fortunately it's all in my tummy. I weigh

about 126. I look so cute and pregnant today. I just found out last night

(Bill told me) that your belly button disappears as the stomach stretches

so much. Wow! I never knew about this. I'm giggling all day today - I look

so cute and I'm so happy to be pregnant

Ale'



March 1, 1994

1st Day of Fast - 5 1/2 months (Doctor says only 21 weeks)

My prenatal visit was yesterday. The doctor says the sonogram

showed that all organs were there and forming normally. And the AFP was

normal. I wall-papered the nursery on Sunday with a photomural of air

balloons over a river (aerial view). It covers an entire wall. Cori helped

with the first three panels - the first two were the hardest. We started

at 2:30. I finished at 8:30 and started the compression on the computer.

I was up and down all night until 4:00 am.By morning I was so sore I thought I might've strained something too

much. I almost cried telling the nurse that I thought I killed the baby.

The doctor checked my cervix and gave me a pelvic exam just to make sure.

I stayed home from work to rest but ended up shopping for Ayyam'i'Ha

presents until 3:00 pm. Dan, Nicky and Nicky's friend came over last night

for an Ayyam'i'Ha party. I had a buffet dinner ready with candles and

incense and presents wrapped. Erica and Bill were late arriving but when

they walked in, Bill was carrying a high chair his mother gave me and Erica

was carrying a present wrapped for me. I was so touched that they

participated in the gift-giving with me for my sake. The present was gift-

wrapped from Laura Ashley. It was a lovely maternity dress. Erica said

she picked it out. The high chair was an antique that Mama Hession had

refinished and wanted to give me for Easter, but it was ready today, so she

had Bill bring it. She didn't know it was a special day for me, but I was so



happy it came on Ayyam'i'Ha. Bill took a picture of me standing by it for

Mom and Dad. Last night, Bill said that Ayyam'i'Ha was a lot of fun this

year. I was so happy, after being so depressed and exhausted after

Sunday night. I'm so happy. I appreciate Bill so much.

Ale'



March 14, 1994

23 weeks (8 inches)

...I'm reading a lot about life in the womb. Melody's capacity for

feeling and reactions amaze me and want me to be even more cognizant of

my attitude - she picks up on it. I talk to her a lot now. She's getting so

big and so responsive. I want to do the best I can, but this lady said to me

tonight not to be so hard on myself- stop trying to be perfect. She's

right. Just have fun with it - and I am. So is Bill. He talks to her - gets

right down at my belly and puts his mouth on me and talks to her.

Ale'



April 20, 1994

Wednesday - 3rd Trimester - 137 lbs.

She's getting so big. Now I have occasional feelings of "how am I

going to get her out?" But I realize it happens every day. We're taking

pictures of me for Mom and Dad.

The major issues have been the "family bed" for nighttime nursing

and how to meet Erica's needs. Bill played out at AL Gators on Saturday

and the music was so loud that the baby cringed and kicked and squirmed in

protest. I stood at the back of the room away from the speakers so itwouldn't be so loud and she calmed down. I left early - right after his set -

because I didn't think it was fair to continue to upset her. Her

communication is so clear. I had a lemonade one afternoon and 15 minutes

later, she went crazy - kicking and squirming. I figured out that she didn't

like the sour taste in the amniotic fluid. When I eat sweets, she wriggles,

waves her arms - she likes it. When I eat something she doesn't like - she

kicks. I realize she has a will of her own now that she is trying to express.

I never heard much about this before. I guess most mothers are not very

aware of what their babies are trying to communicate.

I forgot to mention the coolest bonding I've done with her.

Sometimes she presses a part of her body out so it bulges. If I start to

rub there, she will position herself so that she is backed up against my

hand so I can rub her back (it is probably her back because it is so large

and curved, not a small bulge). She will calm down when I do this.



May 31, 1994

Last month - 142 lbs.

I am constantly more uncomfortable. When I sleep, walk, or in bed. I

wake up every 2 hours at night. I feel like I need a nap every afternoon

and try to take one. The only thing that makes my body feel better is

drinking water - all day. If I miss a day I suffer that night.

Melody is so strong. She doesn't kick but she stretches her legs and

it feels like she's bruising me from the inside. I think she goes crazy when

I lay on my right side because the placenta is there and it cuts off herblood flow.

Cori surprised me completely by throwing the shower at work. She

got Erica there, with Grandma and Aunt Claudia.

Erica's attitude is still very positive and she feels very much part of

what's going on. I'm so glad.

..I feel very confident about my choices and abilities when in labor.

I'm open to the possibilities of things not turning out like I hope they will.

I will do the best I can and so will everyone else. Whatever happens,

whatever goes wrong, we will recover.

I am ready to get the baby out though. I have to work very hard on

my attitude this last month.

Ale'



June 10, 1994

Week 36 (3 weeks to go)

I realize that I've been concentrating all of my reading on the

pregnancy, labor and birth and nothing on how to take care of a baby!

That's so funny...So now I'm reading The Baby Book by William Sears. The

only baby book I had read was Nighttime Parenting.

I am focusing my attention on being committed to appreciating the

first 3 months of Melody's life. I don't want to get sucked into "post-

partum" this and "no sleep" that. I want to fully appreciate the firstcreative moments, days, weeks of her life because once they are over, it's

gone forever. That freshness, newness of the creative process will never

be available to her and me again. I do feel so positive. I feel no fear nor

anxiety at all. I know I can see it all through.

Ale'



June 16, 1994

Second weekly doctor's appointment.

The doctor says the baby has dropped and is almost totally engaged.

She can still feel her head floating around a bit. The weight on my back

and pelvis was so uncomfortable that I stayed home from work yesterday

before going to the doctor appointment. When I mentioned that I stayed

home, she wrote a note advising that I discontinue working. Dale has

arranged a part-time schedule at home at 50% of my salary. So I can start

my short term disability now if I want and still work. Short term disabilitywill pa for the 50% of the time I'm not working so I can earn 75% of my

salary and stay home until the baby is born.

The doctor also said that the baby will weigh between 7 and 7 1/2 lbs.

Perfect! Her movements are so strong now that they make me stop

whatever I'm doing and hold my stomach. I also had Braxton Hicks last

night that were so constrictive that I had to breathe through them to

relax. I thought they might be real contractions. Couple those with

Melody's movements and I became totally unable to move.

We're in a 98 degree heat wave this weekend but I haven't had any

swelling. I even lost a couple of pounds by reducing my intake of ice cream.

I'm in good shape, I think, for the delivery. The sonogram is tomorrow

morning at 8:00. This time Bill will definitely be there. So will Erica, it so

happens. My only weak point is my back. I'm also very tired. And I tire

out quickly. I'm OK if I can get enough rest (2 naps a day).



June 29, 1994

Due next week - 143 lbs.

The doctor checked to see if I'm dilated at all. I found a great

pediatric clinic. I thought for sure I'd deliver early and went through a

period of a few weeks of frustration about still being pregnant.

Now I feel more resigned to what will happen whenever it happens. I

wonder each night if this may be the night, but overall, I'm having a

positive attitude.

I work on projects every day. I've sewn two nursing tops, remodeledthe master bathroom, and did some beadwork on the Indian doll, pulled

weeds out of the flower bed in the back yard. I've moved the bassinette

next to the bed and folded the legs under it so it's lower. All three

bathrooms are completely redecorated now. I'm very pleased. The house

looks great. Bill is very happy when it's clean and organized. I make him

lunch most times and sometimes breakfast. I cook dinner every night.

We're eating a lot healthier but the food bills are higher. I hope I can

afford the expense on my salary. I told Bill that I plan to pay for my car

payments, gas, insurance, and for groceries and for baby needs - diaper

service, etc. I hope it helps with the expenses.

Bill found out today that Mike, his technician, is quitting on July 15th.

Bill is going to run the business alone this summer. I hope he's successful

enough so that I can continue to work from home. I have everything set up

with the modem line and phone, files, manuals and work on-call from here.



I love it and hope it could continue past my period of leave in

October. We've heard that there are lay-offs expected soon. Hopefully,

they may see the benefit of cutting my benefits and keeping me part-time.

All-in-all, it's been a great end to the pregnancy. I'm well-rested, yet

active. Thank you, God!

Ale'



July 15, 1994

Six days late (Friday)

Contractions have been 10 - 15 minutes apart since yesterday

afternoon. The doctor gave me a non-stress test yesterday morning and I

saw a contraction. Until then I didn't realize I had been experiencing

contractions off and on for several days. They got regular after the exam,

though.

Well, the following people got antsy and have called or gone to the

hospital looking for me - Cori called one afternoon when she heard fromDale that my water broke. Dale had misunderstood. Dad walked to the

hospital twice when they hadn't heard from us Sunday afternoon when

they were staying at the bed and breakfast. And Bill drove to the hospital

when he got a call from me on his body phone and we lost connection. Mama

Hession called twice one morning to see if something had happened because

her phone had rung and the person hung up before she got it.

The doctor scheduled for me to be induced on Tuesday, if necessary.

She believes that they'll only need to break my water to kick it in.

Labor is not what I expected. It's just a tightening and a discomfort

in the back with twinges between my legs. There's no real pain yet.

Ale'



August 4, 1994

16 days old.

I told Bill rather awkwardly the other day while we walked through

the mall on my first post-partum shopping trip that I love him more now

that Melody is here than I ever imagined possible; that I feel more

attached to him than I ever have before - that having Melody is what

Jesus meant when he said "the two shall become one."

Sometimes when I'm alone and I look at her I think about him. I find

myself needing him and wanting him more than it feels safe to need andwant another person. It scares me. It scares me to feel this vulnerable,

this at-risk of losing it all...because I often feel that life is so fragile. And

despite his assurances otherwise, that Bill is so fragile.

I look at her and I can't help but think about him. Not because she

looks like him, but because she exists because of him and me and how we

feel about each other.

I don't understand how anyone can look at their child and not

consider, in the same glance, the one with whom they brought that child

into being; and not feel so dissolved into one with that person through that

little child.

Loving her loves him. Such a love can't be separated. Devotion and

service to her is devotion and service to him and to our marriage.

I made a mistake last night. I told him why I love him. What meant a

lot to me may seem like nothing to someone else. It's enough to know and



trust that I do. I'm not sure the rest can be put into words. And I'm so

grateful that he loves me enough to give me life and love and Melody.

Ale'



Babies are such a nice way to start people.

-Don Herold

August 21 - 22, 1994

Dear Melody-jahn,

You are one month and 2 days old. I feel like I'm over a hump in being

with you during your first weeks on the earth. You seem to be settling

down and recognizing things, finding things and people (including me and

Vatti) familiar. You seem calmer, therefore less demanding. Also, you are

nursing longer and that means you are often sleeping longer periods

through the night - sometimes up to 4 hours. You are learning to comfort

and settle yourself.

In the beginning, your first cry required immediate attention or it

would escalate in intensity until I picked you up. Now, as I watch you, you

may speak up a couple times, look around, find something that attracts your

attention and be entertained by it for a long time. I actually watched you

study a yellow label on a blue background for 45 minutes. I watched your

eyes follow its contrasting border, moving from the blue to the bright

yellow, follow its edge and never take your eyes off it. You barely blinked.

The first month was so intense for me. When Vatti gave me a twenty

minute break to go to the tanning salon or to take a show, I would weep

from sheer relief. I was not depressed or sad. It was just that caring for



you required such round-the-clock intensity of concentration that to relax

my mind from the responsibility caused my defenses to drop to such a

degree that it would cause me to cry. But I still loved caring for you so

much that I didn't notice my emotional fatigue until those times I could

relax.

I love night times best. I love sleeping between you and Vatti. You

are nestled in my arms and Vatti has his arm around me from behind. When

you awaken slightly enough to start to coo and grunt and snort as your

hunger moves in, I roll your little body toward my breast. You latch on andI can't take my eyes off your sweet little face. I love those moments the

most. My girlfriend Kim told me that when she dies and reviews her life,

she hopes that she will recall the faces of her children as they nurse at

her breast in the middle of the night as her sweetest memory. I feel the

same.

We just returned from a week in Ocean City with your aunts, cousins

and Grandma on Vatti's side of the family. Vatti had to leave the beach

house for a couple of days to work. During those two days, you changed so

much. You began to smile in greeting when I or Vatti pick you up. As I said

before, you became calmer and more interactive. You were able to settle

yourself, etc. Vatti noticed within the first moments of holding you.

You took your first, fully immersed bath in Ocean City. You took your

first bottle of Mutti's breast milk and first bottle of formula. Aunt

Claudia and Aunt Ann and Grandma watched you and fed you a couple of



times this way and Mutti and Vatti went out to the beach or went out in

the evening on a date. Aunt Claudia taught me and helped me so much

during that week. She helped me get rid of a little "cradle cap" you had on

your right ear lobe. She helped me to identify the cause of a slight eye

infection (blocked tear duct) in your left eye. She showed me how to clean

your bottom after changing to treat your diaper rash. She even helped me

identify the cause of your rash (disposable diapers) and how to treat it.

Overall, with her help, I learned a lot of little things that helped me take

care of your bodily needs better.I want to record the words I use that you recognize. Also the songs.

Of course, we've called you by your name since we've known you exist. If

you haven't figured it out by now we call ourselves Mutti and Vatti (German

for Mommy and Daddy). When you spit up, I made up a word that's similar

to the sound you make - "plurtz". My pet names for you are Kitten, Punkin

Head, Sunshine and Sorensen.

If you're hungry, I say "milch". One nickname for fun that Vatti and

I have for you is Snartenfort. This is a mixed up version of "fart" and

"snort" because you do these two things a lot. I call your little crotch

"chootchie". I'm obnoxious, I know. Also, you recognize a couple of songs I

sing to you. One song Vatti and I wrote for you - "Me and Melody". You

calm down when you hear it. The other song my mother sang to you when I

visited my parents in Florida when I was 6 months pregnant. It starts "O



little Melody, come out and play with me." It's the song that really starts

"O little playmate." When I sing this song, you become agitated.

Melody...I had to take a break from writing which lasted until the

next afternoon. You had terrible gas pains all because Mutti forgot and

ate a dish of chocolate ice cream yesterday. Sorry. The other food your

little tummy can't tolerate is tomatoes. It was several days' nightmare

figuring that one out.

I love watching you fall asleep. Sometimes you fall right into a deep

sleep (especially after screaming for an hour or two because Mutti atetomatoes). But sometimes you fall into dream sleep. Then it's so funny

watching you laugh, frown, giggle and go through all kinds of facial

twitches.

Two other signs that you've matured this past week include that you

now sit in the baby swing contentedly while awake and that once in a while

you'll suck a pacifier to comfort yourself. You do not know what efforts

we went to when we had to use our little fingers to comfort you. You could

never be left alone when awake and while you were awake you had to have a

finger in your mouth the whole time. Very little else got done, I assure

you, but it was important to us that you always feel secure and comforted

and never be left to cry.

You have a lot of fine brown hair in the back but only downy light

brown hair on top. And there's a funny sort of bald ring around the back

of your head as if you were St. Francis of Asisi.



Along the lines of comforting you at all times, I want to tell you about

baby-wearing. I have this cloth sling that I put you in so that you are all

scrunched up like you were in the womb. After sucking my finger briefly,

you always fall asleep, then I can fix dinner, do housework, go grocery

shopping. Believe me, it attracts a lot of attention every time I take you

out in it.

By the way, the first comment everyone makes about you the first

time they see you is that you are so CUTE! Even the moment you were

born, the doctors commented on how beautiful your face was before theyknew what sex you were. It's true. You are so cute!

Love,

Mutti



In the sheltered simplicity of the first days after a baby is born, one sees

again the magical closed circle, the miraculous sense of two people existing

only for each other.

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

August 25, 1994

Well, Melody, your Mutti is making some mistakes. We've comforted

you by letting you suck on our little finger so much that now you have nipple

confusion. I have to trick you into nursing by sticking my finger in your

mouth and then slipping my nipple in your mouth. At first you spit out the

breast. And then you bawl and bawl. You're so mad at me. Sometimes you

cry so much you become exhausted and forget that you're confused. You

seem to give up and keep latched on and fall asleep.

At night, however, you are so relaxed and at ease that you nurse

easily and never need comforted or burped. It seems that you never reallywake up fully all night. We've only had this problem during the day. It's all

my fault too because I was fully advised not to introduce anything besides

the breast for the first six weeks. Well, we introduced the finger the

first day and then you wouldn't latch on very well. Then you got a little

dehydrated and acquired a slight fever. And that's why they held you over

in the hospital, feeding you antibiotics intravenously until your blood work

came back. It was all because of my lack of knowledge about how to help

you latch on. Oh well. Live and learn. And there's certainly a lot to learn!

So anyway, you're rather pissed off at me lately because I'm weaning you



from my finger and trying to find other ways to soothe you. Trouble is, you

won't stay on the breast to be comforted. That's my fault too because I

would break you off it after about 10 minutes. Bill and I discussed it and

now I'm trying to let you nurse until you break off. He's concerned that

you'll develop the habit of feeling rushed and tense at mealtimes unless I

let you take your time. I think this feeling is developed when a person is

older, around six or later. But Bill is particularly sensitive about this

because of how stressful his family's mealtimes were. Don’t' worry though.

He and I both agree that eating meals should be a relaxed, positive, socialexperience.

I do realize that I should be patient because eventually, as you get

older, you'll figure out the difference between finger or pacifier and

breast. I just introduced the others too early. I'm sure we'll laugh about

this later since this is such a temporary problem. But as the problem

occurs, it sure feels more significant. I guess my anxiety from your not

eating now stems from the fever you got from dehydration when you were

born. Fact is, it'll never go that far again so I should just relax about it.

Love,

Mutti



The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes

one a mother - which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one

a musician.

-Sydney J. Harris

September 1, 1994

Dear Mel,

Today I noticed for the first time that your gaze followed me walking

around the bed. You turned your head and watched me as I walked past

you. I know these things sound insignificant and funny, but to me they are

the rewards of caring for you.

You see, because you are so young, in many ways you have been

unconscious of me as a person in your life. Your consciousness has been

basically limited to what is done to satisfy your needs without awareness

that it is me.

But lately we've noticed that you stop calling when I answer, and now,today, you watched me move around you and towards you and became calm

when I approached. These are my rewards for loving you. I lay beside you

this morning and stroked your face and you became calm and dozed off.

I've noticed you have this one type of cry (I'll call it the dry cry)

that you make when you are left alone. I can talk to you, even from

another room, and you will stop crying, "calling", to listen to me. It's as if

you just want to make sure you're not alone. I love you.

Mutti



The biggest problem facing a pregnant woman is not nausea or fatigue or her

wardrobe - it's free advice. I learned very quickly to agree with everyone.

I would smile and say, "Of course, you are so right. What an excellent idea!"

Then I would go on doing whatever I knew to be right for my baby.

Everyone was happy.

-Sophia Loren

September 13, 1994

Dear Mel,

We just came back from Michigan and Chicago this weekend. You

were baptized by my Dad - Poppy - last weekend. Whatever religious

affiliation you choose, I hope you understand the importance of tolerance

and acceptance of other people's religious beliefs. I agreed to have you

baptized because it was important to my dad who brought back water from

the river Jordan so that one day he could baptize his grandchildren with it.

Well, Julie turned Pentecostal and refused to allow Dad to do it out of

principle. I, on the other hand, out of the principle of unity and fellowship

with followers of all religious faiths, allowed you to be baptized in order to

bring happiness to my father. I also allowed it because Bill's mom

expected it and was already making you a christening dress under the

assumption that we would do it. I didn't want to break her heart either.Bill and I agree. You'll be free to grow up and make your own decision

as to your religious affiliation. Our role is to teach you about all the

Messengers of God, from Adam to Baha'u'llah. My desire for you is that



you will feel my love for God and His Messengers, especially Baha'u'llah in

this Age so that you will grow to love Him, and all of Them too. But you will

choose your own path.

As for your development...you are now on the cusp of that really fun

stage when you interact with your eyes and make baby talk sounds. I can

now identify all of your cries so far. The newest one I finally learned was

your tired cry. It sounds more like complaining than crying - a sort of

groaning and whining.

Vatti bought a large size portrait of you and me looking at each other.It cost him $800.00 and he's going to put it over the fireplace in an

antique frame that his mother gave him. It's so precious. I feel like he is

treating us so special, like the most important things in his life...and I know

we are, along with your sister Erica.

I confess to feeling apprehensive that Bill would favor Erica as his

first-born child. These feelings of doubt and jealousy stem from my own

insecurity and that occasional pang of doubt that there is enough love in

the world to go around. But these feelings are irrational and have no basis

in reality. Vatti loves you and showers you with love and attention and

kisses, even as he does to Erica and to me. He is such a wonderful husband

and daddy,

Love,

Mutti



My daughters enlighten me about myself. Their presence acts as a

constant, ever-changing reflection of me as well as a source of feedback,

as I see myself mirrored in their mannerisms, attitudes, and relationships.

-Ellen A. Rosen

November 6, 1994

Dear Mel,

It's been a while since I've written but I've been thinking about all

the things I wanted to put in here for a long time.

One thing I forgot to mention when I wrote about the trip to

Michigan was how my dad reacted towards you. He was so funny to watch

as he kissed your toes and talked funny talk to you and made baby faces.

To hear him tell you he loved you so spontaneously and often was something

I had never seen from him when I was growing up. But it satisfied

something deep within me to hear him say it. As if by saying it to you, he

was saying it to me. I found myself doing things to attract his attention to

you in order to see the pleasure he derived from it. Like when I dressed

you in a sailor suit just for him. My father didn't often say "I love you."Neither do I. But the feeling I got when he said it to you was one of such a

swelling in my heart. My parents love you so much just because you came

from my body. They've set up a trust fund for you - for college - to



contribute to the evolution of our family...each generation progressing

further than the last. More later.

Love,

Mutti

you are entirely engrossed in your own body and the

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