- PERUSAL PACK -

GREATEST HITS – VOLUME I

Created and Written by

GERARD ALESSANDRINI

10/7/19

http://theatricalrights.pmailus.com/pmailweb/ct?d=FbDsbgAOAAEAAAKJAAIAEA

CAST OF CHARACTERS*

FEMALE 1 FEMALE 2 MALE 1 MALE 2

*Cast is expandable depending on your resources

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT I

1. FORBIDDEN BROADWAY

2. CHICAGOBoth Reached For The Gun Glossy Fosse ("Razzle Dazzle")

3. ANNIE Tomorrow

4. SONDHEIM: INTO THE WOODSInto The Words ("Into The Woods" & "A Weekend In The Country")

5. CAROL CHANNING IN HELLO, DOLLY!Call On Carol ("Call On Dolly") Dolly Is A Girl's Best Friend ("Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend")

Oh No, Carol ("Hello Dolly")

6. CHITA/RITA America

7. MANDY PANTINKINSomewhat Overindulgent ("Over The Rainbow")

8. WICKEDDefying Subtlety ("Defying Gravity")

9. MORE MISERABLESLes Miserables ("C'est Magnifique") End Of The Play ("End Of The Day") I Dreamed A Show ("I Dreamed A Dream") It's Too High ("Bring Him Home")

Recitative Did You Hear The People Sing?

Finale

ACT II

10. THE PHANTOM AND ETHEL Mucous Of The Night ("You're Just In Love") 11. MAMMA MIA Mamma, Mia Dancing Queen 12. RANT Rant ("Rent") Seasons Of Hype ("Seasons Of Love") 13. LIZA Liza One Note ("Johnny One Note") 14. SPAMALOT Spamalot ("Camelot") The Song They Stole From Us ("The Song That Goes Like This") 15. CATS Old Cats I Enjoy Being A Cat ("I Enjoy Being A Girl") 16. ANOTHER WORD FROM LES MIZ On My Phone ("On My Own") 17. FIDDLER — AMBITION Ambition ("Tradition") 18. CAMERON MACINTOSH Cameron MacIntosh 19. BACK TO BARBRA Back To Broadway ("On A Clear Day") 20. HAIRSPRAY You Can't Stop The Camp ("You Can't Stop The Beat") 21. A CHORUS LINE What I Did For Laughs ("What I Did For Love") 22. BOWS 23. TATA

ACT ONE

Forbidden Broadway

(PIANIST ENTERS in the dark. After one intro vamp the STAGE MANAGER'S VOICEOVER:)

VOICE Ladies and Gentlemen, in order to take you to Forbidden Broadway, we remind you that the taking of photographs, and use of recording devices is strictly…..fine with us!

(A second intro vamp)

VOICE (CON'TD) And now…

(Lights up to reveal MALE 2 walking to Stage Left mic. He reaches it and sings:)

VOICE (CONT'D) Forbidden Broadway!

MALE 2 THERE'S A GREAT WHITE WAY WHERE THE WHITE IS GRAY AND THE GREAT IS ONLY OK

(FEMALE 2 ENTERS and joins MALE 2 at stage left mic)

MALE 2 (CONT'D) AND THE STARS WE TOAST GIVE THEMSELVES A ROAST

MALE 2 AND FEMALE 2 FORBIDDEN BROADWAY

FEMALE 2 WHERE A PRETTY SONG DOESN'T QUITE BELONG THAT'S UNLESS THE LYRIC'S RISQUÉ

(MALE 1 ENTERS and crosses to stage right mic)

FEMALE 2 (CONT'D) AND AN ARTY DANCE DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE

ALL THREE FORBIDDEN BROADWAY

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MALE 1 AND IF YOU PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE NAUGHTY LYRICS WE SPEW YOU'LL FIND THE SUBJECTS WE MENTION JUST MIGHT HAVE INCLUDED THE SUBJECT OF YOU!

(FEMALE 1 ENTERS and joins MALE 1 at stage right mic)

FEMALE 1 SO COME WITH US ON AN OMNIBUS TO A THEATRE-GOERS' SOIRÉE TO THAT NEVER LAND WHERE THE HITS GET PANNED FORBIDDEN BROADWAY

FEMALE 2 SEE LIZA'S EGO DEFLATED

FEMALE 1 HEAR A RODGERS STANDARD REVAMPED

MALE 2 WATCH THE LION KING ABDICATED

ALL ANNIE BERATED, UPDATED AND CAMPED SO IF YOU DARE CROSS YOUR HEART AND SWEAR THAT YOU WON'T REPEAT WHAT WE SAY

MALE 1 JUST A TRIFLE RUDE AND WE MIGHT GET SUED

FEMALE 1 THIS AIN'T ST. VINCENT MILLAY

FEMALE 2 IT'S JUST BUBBLE GUM

MALE 2 ALL DIRECTLY FROM...

ALL FORBIDDEN BROADWAY!!!

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CHICAGO Both Reached For The Gun

VOICEOVER And now, "Chicago"!

(Lights up on "Billy Flynn" in a tuxedo with a "dummy" girl on his knee. The man sings both parts, except the line, "Are you kiddin'?"

The “Billy Flynn” character looks straight ahead and sings the “MAN” lines in his own voice.)

BILLY FLYNN WHERE YA GOIN'?

(He then looks at the 'dummy' girl on the 'WOMAN' lines and sings in a girl-dummy voice. DUMMY GIRL opens and shuts her mouth like a ventriloquist doll.)

DUMMY (LIP SYNCING) TO CHICAGO!

BILLY FLYNN WHAT'S CHICAGO?

DUMMY (LIP SYNCING) IT'S A NEW SHOW!

BILLY FLYNN IS IT BRAND NEW?

DUMMY (LIP SYNCING) WELL, NOT REALLY IT'S THE CHEESY CONCERT VERSION OF GWEN VERDON'S LAST EXCURSION.

BILLY FLYNN WHAT'S THE SET LIKE?

DUMMY (LIP SYNCING) LIKE A BARE STAGE

BILLY FLYNN ARE THERE COSTUMES?

DUMMY (OWN VOICE) (Drops character and sarcastically speaks as herself)

ARE YOU KIDDIN'?

(MAN nudges WOMAN, and she goes back to being a dummy)

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BILLY FLYNN WHO'S THE BIG STAR?

DUMMY (LIP SYNCING) BEBE NEUWIRTH BUT WHAT MAKES HER SO ENGAGING IS BOB FOSSE'S SEXY STAGING. OH YES, OH YES, OH YES, SHE IS OH YES, SHE IS BEBE IS A BIG GUN!

BILLY FLYNN AND HERE AND HERE AND HERE SHE IS AND HERE SHE IS TO SHOW YOU HOW IT IS DONE!

(Speaks:) And now, the original star of "Chicago", Miss…Beebeeeee Neuwirth!

(BEBE appears stage right in a circle of light. THE MAN and "DUMMY" EXIT)

Glossy Fosse ("Razzle Dazzle")

BEBE Hello, Suckers! You know, everyone associated with "Chicago" won Tony Awards. And you can too. All you have to do is a little grave robbing!

(She moves to center with slinky Bob Fosse arms and legs; sings) GIVE 'EM THE OLD SAUCY FOSSE SAUCY FOSSE 'EM

(TWO FOSSE-TYPE MALE DANCERS in gloves, bowler hats, vests, and no shirts ENTER behind her)

BEBE (CONT'D) TWIST AND CONTORT AND THROW SOME TRASH IN IT AND THE REVIEWS WILL ALL BE PASSIONATE

(The BOYS step forward.)

BOYS GIVE 'EM THE OLD SPREAD THE FINGERS

BEBE WEAR A BOWLER HAT WIGGLE YOUR PANTS LIKE ANTS ARE IN YOUR THIGHS

THOUGH THE PRODUCTION MAY LOOK SHODDY EVERYONE LIKES

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BEBE (CONT’D) A NAKED BODY SAUCY FOSSE 'EM AND THEY'LL NEVER CATCH WISE

(She calls out the dance moves.) Left foot blue!

(They each do a 'Fosse' move.)

BEBE (CONT'D) Right hand red!

(Now they angle themselves in odd Fosse positions over and under each other, in a sort of crazy "Twister" game.)

BEBE (CONT'D) Now Dance!

(The dancers begin to undulate, until they can no longer hold their poses, and all collapse in a heap. They argue as they get into their next impossible Fosse position, but recover their composure just in time for the next line.)

ALL GIVE 'EM THE OLD SAUCY FOSSE DIP AND UNDULATE

(We hear a 'crack' sound, as they all lean back.)

BEBE SHOW 'EM THE LIMBER BURLESQUE QUEEN YOU ARE

BOYS (Spoken à la BEBE'S husband AMOS, miming rotating her breasts)

I love ya, honey, I love ya!

ALL RUN THROUGH YOUR DANCE LIKE GREASED MACHIN'RY THEY'LL NEVER SPOT

BEBE WE GOT NO SCEN'RY

(They do identical 'Fosse' poses on each of the next three lines.)

BEBE (CONT'D) SAUCY FOSSE 'EM

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ALL GLOSSY FOSSE 'EM SAUCY FOSSE 'EM

BEBE AND THEY'LL MAKE YOU A STAR!

ALL Pose!

(They end in a sharp Fosse-esque pose on the musical button.

BLACKOUT)

ANNIE SEQUENCE

Tomorrow

(Lights up on ANNIE, her arms raised in triumph. But she can only hold this pose for so long – she drops her arm, pulls on her skirts, and takes a drag from her cigarette, held in her right hand, then looks at her audience. She knows what they're thinking!)

ANNIE I'M THIRTY YEARS OLD TOMORROW AND I HAVE'NT WORKED SINCE I PLAYED "ANNIE" WHEN I WAS TEN

BUT MAYBE THERE'S HOPE TOMORROW MAYBE SOMEDAY SOMEONE MIGHT BRING "ANNIE" BACK AGAIN! REVIVE ME! REVIVE ME! PLEASE SOMEONE REVIVE ME BEFORE MY RED HAIR TURNS GRAY LAST TIME I WAS ROTTEN NOW "ANNIE'S" FORGOTTEN TOMORROW IS YESTERDAY!

(She raises her right arm slowly in perfect "Annie" form, but eyes her cigarette – she can't resist taking a quick drag in the middle of her final note, then finishing the note until she finally gives up and walks off in disgust. It's not easy being Annie.)

SONDHEIM: INTO THE WORDS

Into The Woods ("Into The Woods" and "A Weekend In The Country")

STEPHEN Once upon a time!

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(Lights up on a bearded man at the side of the stage. He is Stephen Sondheim. The MUSIC begins.)

STEPHEN There was a great songwriter called Stephen Sondheim. He had many, many hit shows, among which were Sunday In The Park With George...

(A "Dot" character enters, holding an umbrella.)

DOT I WISH...

(Turns right in profile and freezes)

STEPHEN Sweeney Todd!

(SWEENEY ENTERS scaring DOT by raising his bloody razor so that she counters to the right of him.)

SWEENEY I WISH…

STEPHEN And the fairy tale musical Into The Woods.

(A LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD ENTERS, carrying a basket.)

RIDING HOOD I WISH...

(She is left of DOT and smiles at audience, then freezes.)

STEPHEN All the characters in all the shows were very happy to be in a prestigious Sondheim musical, except for a few things…

RIDING HOOD I WISH. I WISH THIS SHOW WAS MORE MELODIC! I WISH.

(Sticks her tongue out at SONDHEIM, and freezes again.)

SWEENEY I WISH. I WISH THIS SHOW WAS LESS PRETENTIOUS. I WISH.

(SWEENEY raises his razor high, and freezes.)

DOT (Faces forward)

I WISH.

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DOT (CONT’D) I WISH THE LYRICS WEREN'T SO WORDY. I WISH.

STEPHEN (As he crosses to center in front of his characters:)

You see, with Sondheim shows people sometimes miss the point. They're supposed to listen and go...Into the words.

(Each character joins SONDHEIM on his or her line.)

RIDING HOOD INTO THE WORDS

SWEENEY INTO THE WORDS

DOT INTO THE WORDS

ALL INTO THE WORDS

STEPHEN THE METAPHORS, THE SYNONYMS, THE PERFECT SCAN

ALL INTO THE WORDS

STEPHEN THE DETAIL AND THE TRICKY LITTLE PHRASES

ALL INTO THE WORDS

SWEENEY THE WHAT, THE WHERE, THE WHEN, THE WHY THE PLOT BEGAN

ALL INTO THE WORDS

DOT THE WORK, THE CRAFT

RIDING HOOD THAT GARNERS ALL THE PRAISES

(They skip in a counter-clockwise circle.)

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ALL INTO THE WORDS! INTO THE WORDS!

DOT THE MUSIC WAITS

ALL INTO THE WORDS! INTO THE WORDS!

STEPHEN THE LYRIC STATES THAT

ALL INTO THE WORDS

STEPHEN YOUR CONTENT ALWAYS COMES BEFORE YOUR FORM AND STYLE

ALL INTO THE WORDS

STEPHEN INTERNAL RHYMES THAT EVEN BAFFLED MERMAN

ALL INTO THE WORDS A QUICK EXCHANGE SO VERY STRANGE, YOU'LL CRY AND SMILE

STEPHEN AND NEVER REPEAT A VERSE OR BRIDGE THIS ISN'T JERRY HERMAN

(They link arms and skip upstage, then downstage.)

ALL INTO THE WORDS INTO THE WORDS

STEPHEN THEY ALWAYS TEACH

ALL INTO THE WORDS INTO THE WORDS

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STEPHEN TO HEAR ME PREACH THE THOUGHTS ARE CLEAR IF UNDERSTOOD I HAVE NO PEER 'CAUSE I'M SO GOOD THE SCORE IS THE STAR THE STARS ARE JUST WOOD I SORT OF HATE TO ASK IT BUT WHAT'S A RHYME FOR BASKET?

ALL

INTO THE WORDS THAT TRIP YOUR LIP, AND FRY YOUR BRAIN AND SPRAIN YOUR TONGUE INTO THE WORDS A CAVE SO DARK YOU'D BETTER BRING A TORCH IN INTO THE WORDS THAT FLY AND TRY TO MAKE YOU CHOKE THE JOKE YOU'VE SUNG INTO THE WORDS MORE LETTERS THAN THEY SELL ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE

(RIDING HOOD goes offstage right and brings on a large board with the words to the song on it; she hands it to SONDHEIM.)

STEPHEN

(Spoken) Now, some people say that my songs aren't catchy. But that's not true. And to prove it, I'll conduct a Sondheim singalong. Now everybody sing and just follow the bouncing razor.

(SWEENEY suddenly raises his peculiar teaching instrument.)

STEPHEN (CONT'D) Ready? 1-2-12-8.

ALL (With the audience, they repeat the two verses, slowly and surely, SWEENEY'S razor bouncing along the top of the board.)

INTO THE WORDS THAT TRIP YOUR LIP, AND FRY YOUR BRAIN AND SPRAIN YOUR TONGUE INTO THE WORDS A CAVE SO DARK YOU'D BETTER BRING A TORCH IN

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ALL (CONT’D) INTO THE WORDS THAT FLY AND TRY TO MAKE YOU CHOKE THE JOKE YOU'VE SUNG INTO THE WORDS MORE LETTERS THAN THEY SELL ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE

STEPHEN (Speaks:)

Very good. You all graduate! So now let's do it up to tempo. (And then, done very quickly)

1-2-12-8!

ALL (They sing double time, while the audience tries to keep up, repeating the two verses.)

INTO THE WORDS THAT TRIP YOUR LIP, AND FRY YOUR BRAIN AND SPRAIN YOUR TONGUE INTO THE WORDS A CAVE SO DARK YOU'D BETTER BRING A TORCH IN

INTO THE WORDS THAT FLY AND TRY TO MAKE YOU CHOKE THE JOKE YOU'VE SUNG INTO THE WORDS MORE LETTERS THAN THEY SELL ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE

ALL (WITHOUT AUDIENCE) WE'RE…

(They all take a deep breath) INTO THE SYLLABLES INTO THE ANTONYMS INTO THE METAPHORS INTO THE SYNONYMS

DOT AND RIDING HOOD INTO THE SYLLABLES INTO THE ANTONYMS INTO THE METAPHORS INTO THE SYNONYMS INTO THE SYLLABLES INTO THE ANTONYMS INTO THE METAPHORS AND

STEPHEN CAREFUL! YOUR DICTION CAREFUL! YOUR DICTION CAREFUL! YOUR DICTION CAREFUL OF

SWEENEY ARE YOU SURE YOU UNDERSTAND? ARE YOU THAT YOU VERSTEH? ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU CAPEESH? AWAY WE GO INTO

ALL THE WORDS!

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CAROL CHANNING SEQUENCE

Call On Carol ("Call On Dolly")

(BOYS ENTER in basic tuxes, jackets, and wearing with straw hats ["boaters”], dancing center, then singing:)

BOYS CALL ON CAROL SHE'S THE ONE PRODUCERS RECOMMEND WHEN THEY'RE PRODUCING DOLLY! EITHER BROADWAY OR SUMMER STOCK SHE'LL PLAY DOLLY LEVI FROM SEVEN TIL TWELVE O'CLOCK

(FEMALE 2 ENTERS, stepping in time toward the young men, with a newspaper in front of her face. The paper reads clearly, "CHANNING TOURS AGAIN.")

BOYS (CONT'D) CALL ON CAROL SHE'LL DO HELLO, DOLLY! ANYTIME

(FEMALE 1 suddenly lowers the newspaper, and we see it is wide-eyed, wide-mouthed CAROL CHANNING. She wears gobs of lipstick, a blonde wig with red feathers and a pair of long white gloves. She grins and bats her long eyelashes for the audience as she steps toward center stage. The men counter and stand to her left..)

BOY #1 (Closest to CAROL)

Tell us, Ms. Channing, what's in all this for you?

CAROL (In that one-of-a-kind voice)

Wellllllllllll…… it's a living Mr. ________, and Mr. ________. (She hands the paper to BOY #1)

CAROL (CONT’D) Some people sing, some people dance, some people act. I do… Hello, Dolly!

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend ("Dolly Is A Girl's Best Friend")

(The BOYS EXIT)

CAROL (CONT'D) (Sings:)

I'VE PLAYED LORELEI AND I'VE SOLD KITTY LITTER BUT DOLLY IS A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND I'VE DONE SEVERAL FLOPS BUT YOU CAN'T CALL ME BITTER

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CAROL (CONT’D) THOUGH MY WHOLE CAREER IS MESSY AS MY LIPSTICK SMEAR

ROLES ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN AND TALK SHOWS I DON'T RECOMMEND BUT WHY SHOULD I GRIEVE, I CAN PLAY DOLLY LEVI DOLLY IS A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND SO WHO NEEDS SONDHEIM? DOLLY IS A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND

(BOYS RE-ENTER, now dressed as waiters, with long white aprons and black vests. They do a cakewalk in a circle around her, finally ending up on either side of their leading lady.)

Oh No, Carol (“Hello, Dolly”)

BOYS OH NO, CAROL NO, NO, NO, CAROL DON'T YOU DARE DO HELLO, DOLLY! ONCE

(They jump into the air) AGAIN

(CAROL steps forward to talk to her audience as the BOYS continue singing.)

BOYS FOR AS YOU KNOW, CAROL THIS WHOLE SHOW, CAROL

(CAROL returns to center.)

BOYS (CONT'D) HAS BEEN DRUMMED INTO OUR BRAINS SINCE WE WERE

(The BOYS jump again, much to CAROL'S delight.)

BOYS (CONT'D) ONLY TEN

YES, ONCE WAS

(The BOYS do the Hello, Dolly! waiters' 'seesaw' move with their arms, as CAROL prepares to greet her audience.)

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BOYS (CONT'D) SWELL, CAROL

(As CAROL places her arms forward, the upward momentum of the BOYS' seesaw motion throws her backwards and on to the floor.)

BOYS (CONT'D)

TWICE IS HELL, CAROL YOU'VE BEEN

(CAROL has returned, desperately trying to get a word in.)

BOYS (CONT'D)

DOING THIS SAME ROLE SINCE GOD KNOWS WHEN (The BOYS kneel at either side, arms spread wide)

SO...

CAROL (Patting their heads gently)

DON'T BE ANNOYED FELLAS I'M KEEPING YOU

(She suddenly clutches their hair tightly!) EMPLOYED FELLAS

BOYS

PROMISE YOU'LL NEVER DO THIS SHOW

CAROL EITHER IT'S THIS OR LORELEI

BOYS

(The MALES stand on either side of CAROL.) PROMISE YOU'LL NEVER DO THIS SHOW

ALL

AGAIN!

(The BOYS have had enough. They lift their star in the air, as CAROL stands — or sits —triumphantly, till they suddenly let her fall backwards, her legs spread wide in an embarrassing finish! She gives a yelp as the lights… BLACKOUT)

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CHITA AND RITA

America

(In the dark, we hear a maniacal laugh… It could only be CHITA RIVERA. FEMALE 2 is dressed as ANITA in West Side Story in purple fringed layered dress and huge earrings. She appears stage right in a circle of light.)

CHITA MISS MORENO HER RUDE GYRATIONS ARE ALL LOUSY IMITATIONS

(She travels to center stage) THOUGH WE BOTH DID WEST SIDE STORY HERS WAS LIKE CHICKEN CACCIATORE SHE GOT ALL THE GLORY BUT DON'T LET THAT CAT IN I'M THE FIERY LATIN I WAS THE WORLD'S FIRST ANITA DON'T MIX US UP I AM CHITA!

(CHITA does a quick spin and picks up her skirt, moving it from side to side with a fiery Spanish flair.)

CHITA (CONT’D) CHITA RIVERA IS NOT RITA RITA MORENO IS NOT CHITA CHITA IS CHITA AND NOT RITA I WOULD PREFER YOU FORGOT RITA!

THIS LITTLE DITTY REMINDS YOU WHO IS THE WHAT AND THE WHO'S WHO SHE GETS THE MOVIES AND BRAVOS I GET THE NIGHT CLUBS AND BOMB SHOWS!

MY NAME IS CHITA AND NOT RITA RITA IS RITA AND NOT CHITA LIZA LIKES CHITA BUT NOT RITA I WOULDN'T MIND IF THEY SHOT RITA!

I'M THE ONE WHO STARRED ON BROADWAY FROM THE 50'S AND THE 60'S TO THE CURRENT DAY, PEOPLE AND I INVENTED THE

(She raises her arms and flicks her hands twice.) "AYE, AYE" WHILE RITA WAS LISPING IN KING AND I!

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CHITA (CONT’D) I HAVE DONE BYE BYE BIRDIE, CHICAGO, BAJOUR AND I NEVER MISS A MATINEE, PEOPLE AND WHEN CHORUS BOYS SCREAM AND YELL,

(She does the hand flicks again.) "AYE, AYE, AYE" HOW I LOVE ALL OF THE GAY PEOPLE!

(Again flashing her skirt from side to side) MY NAME IS CHITA AND NOT RITA RITA IS RITA AND NOT CHITA LIZA HATES RITA, BUT NOT CHITA WHY WON'T THE UNION BOYCOTT RITA?

(FEMALE 1 as RITA MORENO ENTERS stage right dressed exactly the same as CHITA. She even strikes the same pose CHITA had at the top of the number!)

RITA

Hello, Chita.

CHITA Rita! …What are you doing here?

RITA (She travels to CHITA'S right side, very sly and catty. NB: Some of RITA'S "v"s come out like "b"s)

I'll be doing the movie bersion of your one woman show "Chita Rivera: A Dancer's Life"!... I'll probably win another Oscar.

(She appears suddenly on CHITA'S left side) You can present it.

CHITA I'd sooner die.

RITA You probably will.

(Like lightning, they raise their hands at each other with 'cat claws', make a 'hissing' noise, then just as quickly return to their original stances.)

RITA (CONT'D)

I just came by to clarify one t'ing.

(RITA bounces CHITA away from the center microphone and takes over, while CHITA stands by frustrated.)

RITA (CONT'D)

(Sings:) MY NAME IS RITA AND NOT CHITA THOUGH I LOOK LIKE YOU A LOT, CHITA

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RITA (CONT’D) WHEN PEOPLE SMOKE TOO MUCH POT, CHITA THEY THINK YOU'RE ME AND I'M NOT RITA

(CHITA and RITA do an identical mirror image dance move.)

RITA (CONT'D) I AM A BERSATILE ACTRESS

CHITA

LONG AS YOU STAY ON THE MATTRESS I CAN PLAY ANY ROLE I CHOOSE

RITA

GYPSIES, ITALIANS AND BLACK JEWS

(CHITA tries to be a part of this number that RITA has suddenly taken over, and sings "AYE" at the beginning of each of the next lines.)

RITA (CONT'D)

(With CHITA'S aforementioned "ayes”) WHEN I GO OUT ON A DATE, CHITA PEOPLE SAY, “THERE GOES THE GREAT RITA!” BUT WHEN THEY SEE YOU THEY STATE, CHITA “LOOKS LIKE YOU PUT ON SOME WEIGHT, CHITA”

(They dance furiously, CHITA showing her rival how a certain twirl in West Side Story was done. RITA shoots back with her version of the twirl. The two audibly argue and come at each other, in an all-out cat fight! But, being professionals, they still stop in time to the music to both flick their hands in the air and shout "AYE, AYE, AYE!"…RITA swings at CHITA, 'punching' her, so that they both twirl 'round and end up back to back, clapping their hands to the rhythm of the song.)

BOTH

SO IF YOU WANT TO KEEP WHO'S WHO STRAIGHT HERE'S HOW TO SETTLE THE GREAT DEBATE I AM THE ONE YOU SHOULD EMULATE SHE IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD MIGRATE!

(The two stars flash their skirts from side to side.)

BOTH (CONT'D)

THERE'S RITA AND CHITA AND LIZA AND LISA AND LIZA AND CHITA AND PIA ZADORA AND LISA AND MIA AND LIZA AND CHITA

BOTH (CONT’D) MIA, LIZA, RITA, CHITA RIO RITA, LIZA, PIA, PITA BEBE NEUWIRTH...

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(They gasp, realizing they may be replaced.)

BOTH (CONT'D) AND ME!

(CHITA and RITA fling their arms into the air, in identical poses

BLACKOUT)

MANDY PATINKIN

Somewhat Overindulgent ("Somewhere Over The Rainbow")

(MALE 1 is at the mic, his arms spread high in a triumphant pose. It is the great MANDY PATINKIN, and boy, is he intense! He begins to sing with much anguish and condescension.)

MANDY MY NAME IS MANDY, MANDY "CHE" PATINKIN AND I'VE BEEN THINKIN' I MIGHT BE KNOWN MORE AS A MALE CHANTEUSE SO IF YOU LIKE MY TWENTY SONGS ON CD YOU SHOULD COME AND SEE ME EV'RY NIGHT DRESSING CASUAL AND LOOSE AND TURNING ON THE JUICE WHILE EMOTING LIKE A GOOSE

(MANDY tries desperately to convey the deep, deep meaning of this song.)

SOMEWHAT OVERINDULGENT LIKE I'M HIGH I INTERPRET A LYRIC LIKE I'M ABOUT TO DIE

SOMEWHAT OVERINDULGENT I SING BLUE AND YOU WON'T RECOGNIZE THE TUNE AFTER I GET THROUGH

SOMEDAY I'LL DO A ONE MAN SHOW SING JOLSON SONGS LIKE "OLD BLACK JOE" AND "MAMMY"

(He is beginning to work himself up into a frenzy.) I'LL EMPHASIZE MOST EVERY WORD

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MANDY (CONT’D) AND TWITTER LIKE A LITTLE BIRD TO PROVE I'M HAMMY

(Now he's going at it full force!) SOMEWHAT OVERINDULGENT WATCH ME CRY BARBRA DID IT IN YENTL WHY, THEN, OH, WHY CAN'T I?

(He suddenly catches himself, and pulls back his wild energy.)

MANDY (CONT’D) IF BARBRA STREISAND GETS TO BE BEYOND INDULGENT WHY, OH, WHY NOT ME?

WICKED

Defying Subtlety (“Defying Gravity”)

OFFSTAGE VOICES NO AWARDS FOR WICKED

(Lights come up on IDINA MENZEL dressed as ELPHABA. Her back is to the audience, but with a sudden swirl of her cape, she reveals herself to all.)

IDINA I AM THE STAR OF "WICKED" AND MY REPLACEMENTS KNOW I AM THE GREAT IDINA AND I'LL FOREVER OWN THIS SHOW

I MADE MY MARK DEFYING SUBTLETY OUT OF THE PARK DEFYING SUBTLETY

AND YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN

(A FLYING MONKEY appears and jumps around maniacally; it's as if all her loud scream/singing has driven him mad.)

IDINA (CONT'D) SO STRAP ME IN A HARNESS HOIST ME UP TO THE SKY IN ALL THE BIG SHOWS LATELY ALL THE LEADING LADIES HAVE TO FLY HANGING FROM THE RAFTERS I'LL DANGLE LIKE A BLIMP

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IDINA (CONT’D) PUMP UP MY VOLUME AS I KILL MY FLYING CHIMP

(The MONKEY fears for his life, and 'flies' away.)

IDINA (CONT'D) AND SUDDENLY I AM DEFYING SUBTLETY WITH DEATH DEFYING LACK OF SUBTLETY I'LL TEAR THIS THEATRE DOWN

(The MONKEY returns with a black crate, and waits till his mistress gives him the signal to slam it on the ground.)

IDINA (CONT'D)

I'LL BLOW THE GERSHWIN UP BECAUSE I AM THE LOUDEST WITCH IN OZ

(The MONKEY drops the box center and lets out a loud monkey call; he then EXITS.)

IDINA (CONT'D)

AND NO ONE'S GONNA TURN MY VOLUME DOWN

(Two MONKEYS return, one holding a broomstick, the other holding a fan; the fan is placed in front of the witch, as if to create the moving air that causes her cape to billow. IDINA climbs on the box, and slowly rises, as if becoming a giant – it is obvious to the audience that this production of WICKED is on the cheap side.)

IDINA (CONT'D)

AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(The other MONKEY places the broom in her hand, and both MONKEYS run behind IDINA, making her cape blow wildly in the wind!)

MONKEYS

WICKED! WICKED! WICKED!!

(IDINA thrusts her broomstick above her head as the lights… BLACKOUT)

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MORE MISERABLES

More Miserable ("Cest Magnifique")

(A sultry woman is discovered atop the piano. She is wearing a boa, a beret, and smoking a cigarette through a long holder. She sings:)

CHANTEUSE (FEMALE 1)

WHAT SHOW TAKES YOU UP IN ZE AIR WHEN YOU COME TO CALL? EET’S BROADWAY'S BEEG LOVE AFFAIR BUT NOT REALLY BROADWAY'S AT ALL BUT I SAW EET AND I DEEDN’T MIND COMPARE EET TO OZER SHOWS AND YOU'LL FIND JUST LIKE ZEE POSTER SAYS, GOD KNOWS

(She reaches for a poster that is atop the piano, and shows it to the audience.)

CHANTEUSE (CONT’D) EET’S LESS MISERABLE ZAN OZER SHOWS

(Non-plussed, she flings the poster over her shoulder and offstage.) GO TRY GET IN TO WATCH ZE PEOPLE SPIN OO-LA-LA-LA LES MISERABLES JAVERT GETS SUNK AND EPONINE GOES PUNK OO-LA-LA-LA LES MISERABLES VALJEAN GETS CAUGHT AND EVERYONE GETS SHOT OOH! LA-LA-LA EET’S NOT HEDDA GABLER EET’S HOT, EET’S CHIC

(She travels center.) C'EST TRES, TRES MAGNIFIQUE LES MISERABLES

(She EXITS as THREE RAGGED ACTORS ENTER as if on a mini-turntable. Very intense. Very miserable. The atmosphere is suddenly quite murky and dark. They sing:)

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At the End of the Play (“At the End of the Day”)

MALES 1 & 2, FEMALE 2 (ENSEMBLE) (The 'turntable' has them going 'round in circles.)

AT THE END OF THE PLAY WE'RE ANOTHER YEAR OLDER AND WE'RE OFTEN EXHAUSTED FROM PLAYING THE POOR ENJOLRAS FELL IN THE BAND AND THE TURNTABLE'S MAKING US DIZZY TREVOR NUNN YELLS A COMMAND AND HE'S THROWING US ALL IN A TIZZY AND THERE'S GONNA BE HELL TO PAY

(The 'turntable' suddenly stops.) AT THE END OF THE PLAY

(The 'turntable' — now treated like one large turntable — starts up again, and spins two of them right off the stage; JEAN VALJEAN remains, to sing his famous solo.)

It's Too High ("Bring Him Home")

VALJEAN (Sung as a prayer to the Lord above)

GOD, IT'S HIGH THIS SONG'S TOO HIGH PITY ME CHANGE THE KEY BRING IT DOWN BRING IT DOWN IT'S TOO HIGH MUCH TOO HIGH MUCH TOO...

(He takes a deep breath, then opens his mouth so that a VERY high note comes out…dubbed by FEMALE 1 offstage!)

VALJEAN (FEMALE 1) HIGH!

(MALE 2 spins off, while FEMALE 2 appears on the turntable, arriving center to emotionally prepare herself as she becomes FANTINE. She sings very dramatically:)

I Dreamed A Show ("I Dreamed A Dream")

FANTINE (FEMALE 2) THERE WAS A TIME WHEN SHOWS WERE FUN AND THEY USED BRIGHT LIGHTING AND THE SHOWS WEREN'T SO LONG

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FANTINE (CONT’D) AND THE SONGS WEREN'T SO BITING THERE WAS A TIME THEN IT ALL WENT WRONG I DREAMED A SHOW IN DAYS GONE BY WHEN PATHOS WASN'T OVERSTATED I DIDN'T SING ONE SONG, THEN DIE I DIDN'T ACT SO CONSTIPATED

FANTINE BUT NOW THAT MISERY'S IN STYLE IT'S ARTISTIC IF YOU SUFFER SO THEY TORE MY DRESS APART AND THE CHORUS GIRLS WALK LAME, LAME. I DREAMED A SHOW IN DAYS GONE BY CLAY AIKEN DIDN'T SING MY HIT SONG A PRETTY GIRL THEY'D GLORIFY AND ACT ONE WASN'T SO DAMN LONG COME WATCH US GROVEL IN THE DIRT THEN BUY A SOUVENIR AND DON IT RICH FOLKS PAY FIFTY BUCKS A SHIRT THAT HAS A STARVING PAUPER ON IT

I DREAMED A SHOW IN DAYS GONE BY WHERE ALL THE SETS WEREN'T PILES OF RUBBLE I DIDN'T HAVE TO BELT HIGH 'E'…. AND BE AS MISERABLE… AS ME.

(FANTINE spins off, as COSETTE rotates on, holding a small broom) “Castle On A Cloud”

COSETTE (FEMALE 1)

I'M AN OBNOXIOUS SINGING WAIF MY CLOYING STRAIGHT TONES GRATE AND CHAFE LOST IN THE LABYRINTH OF THIS PLOT YOU'LL BE RELIEVED WHEN I GET SHOT

(COSETTE spins 'round on the turntable, as MALE 2 jumps on and joins her for the Recitative. He is the brave and handsome ENJALROS.)

Recitative

ENJOLRAS (MALE 2) (Recitative: very fast)

OH, NO COSETTE, YOU'RE SIMPLY A CONFUSED AND WORRIED CHILD. LET ME EXPLAIN THE PLOT OF THE SHOW TO YOU SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THE WAY IT'S STYLED. JEAN VALJEAN IS A CONVICT WHO'S BEING CHASED BY THE POLICEMAN, JAVERT, WHO DOESN'T KNOW THAT HE IS NOW A MAYOR AND HAS

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ENJOLRAS (CONT’D) ADOPTED COSETTE, THE LITTLE WAIF DAUGHTER OF FANTINE WHO DIES IN ACT 1. AND THAT'S WHY JEAN VALJEAN MUST RUN.

COSETTE

Ahh, yes! (She turns to the audience as if to say, "What the…??")

ENJOLRAS

(Fast) THEN HE BECOMES INVOLVED IN THE FRENCH REVOLUTION. BUT NOT THE BIG FAMOUS ONE, THE LITTLE LATER ONE YOU THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WHERE JEAN VALJEAN WATCHES EVERYONE GET CAUGHT, EXCEPT FOR...

(He points to his student – does she know the answer?)

COSETTE (Taking a good guess)

Marius!

ENJOLRAS Yes, Marius!

WHO LOVES COSETTE INSTEAD OF EPONINE... WHO JOINS THE REVOLUTIONARIES, RUNS OVER THE BARRICADE, WHERE SHE GETS...

COSETTE

Pregnant?

ENJOLRAS SHOT.

(He shoots COSETTE a dirty look, then continues at the same quick speed.)

ENJOLRAS (CONT’D) AFTER SHE SINGS A LONG BALLAD VERY MUCH LIKE JEAN VALJEAN, WHO DIES PEACEFULLY KNOWING HE'S DRIVEN JAVERT TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE AND HAS SIGNIFICANTLY CHANGED FRANCE BY BEING AN ALL-AROUND NICE GUY… AND C'EST FINIS OUR STORY'S DONE!

(Spoken:) How did you like that?

(COSETTE falls to the floor, asleep.)

Did You Hear The People Sing? (“Do You Hear The People Sing”)

ENJOLRAS

DID YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING? SINGING THE HIT SONGS FROM LES MIS IT IS THE BEST SHOW OF A CLASSIC SINCE THEY MODERNIZED THE WIZ

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ENJOLRAS (CONT’D) BETTER LEARN THE SONGS BY HEART AND IF YOU DON'T THEY'LL CALL YOU DUMB THEY'LL BE ATOP THE RECORD CHART WHEN THE BRITISH COME!

(COSETTE, who has slowly awakened from her bored stupor, realizes they are going to war, and joins her fellow man for combat.)

NO MORE GERSHWIN, NO MORE KERN WE DON'T NEED OLD SHOWS ANYMORE

(We see MADAME THENARDIER joining the fight, coming from under the piano and on to the stage; also, Jean Val Jean has returned to go to battle.)

WE'LL SET ABLAZE AND BURN MOST EV'RY STEPHEN SONDHEIM SCORE

ENJOLRAS AND COSETTE

COME JOIN WITH THE FEW WHO HAVE STARTED A MUSICAL WAR!

(Everyone greets each other and readies themselves for war.)

ALL

DID YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING ALL OF THE HIT SONGS FROM LES MIS EVEN THE GREAT ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER WISHED THE SONGS WERE REALLY HIS YOU'LL BE TICKETED AND PINCHED IF A LA CAGE SONG YOU SHOULD HUM POOR JERRY HERMAN WILL BE LYNCHED WHEN THE BRITISH COME!

(The men retrieve French flags as the women grab a rifle and a doll that looks suspiciously like COSETTE. They are ready, and march toward the audience, militantly singing:)

ALL (CONT’D)

DID YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING ALL OF THE HIT SONGS FROM LES MIS NOW WITH OUR NEW FRENCH REVOLUTION WE'LL DECAPITATE THE BIZ NOW LES MIS IS HERE TO STAY AND MISS SAIGON WILL LEAVE YOU DUMB PHANTOM WILL HAUNT THE GREAT WHITE WAY WHEN THE BRITISH COME! AH! AH! AH! THE BRITISH COME!

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ALL (CONT’D) FOR BRITAIN BROADWAY!

(They strike a dramatic tableau; women fall to one knee, as the men turn their flags revealing colors of the British flag – or they reveal the words 'INTER' and 'MISSION', if appropriate. All look out toward the audience at the last second, as the lights…

BLACKOUT) END ACT I

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ACT II

THE PHANTOM AND ETHEL

Mucous Of The Night

(We hear music from "Phantom of the Opera", as a chandelier lowers out of the ceiling. The light from the glow reveals a silhouette of a "Phantom". He sings in a breathy and pretentious manner.)

PHANTOM

I'M THE PHANTOM BROADWAY'S SMOOTHEST CROONER HEAR ME GURGLE IN THIS HORROR TUNER WHEN THE SONG'S A BITCH AND I'M SLIGHTLY UNDER PITCH *

*(Do not flat this note) THEY JUST FLICK THE REVERB SWITCH

(His voice is suddenly amplified, but he continues to sing in his eerie quiet style.)

FROM LEFT TO RIGHT AND COVER-UP MY MUCOUS OF THE NIGHT

VOICE (ETHEL)

(From the back of the house) What?!

PHANTOM I’M THE PHANTOM THEATRE'S GREAT SENSATION!

VOICE (ETHEL) Sing out, Louise!

(Pause)

PHANTOM WHY WE’RE STILL HERE THERE’S NO EXPLANATION.

VOICE (ETHEL) Sing out! Sing out!

PHANTOM I’M THE PHANTOM…

VOICE (ETHEL) What kind of a voice is that?

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PHANTOM I’M THE PHANTOM!

(The PHANTOM stops. The voice belongs to ETHEL MERMAN! She barrels right up the stairs and on to the stage.)

ETHEL

And what's that stupid mask on your face? You look like Lon Cheney. How can you sing with that thing over your mouth? Take it off!

(She rips his mask off, and they both scream in horror. She looks at him curiously.)

PHANTOM

(Humiliated) How dare you un-mask me?? Who do you think you are?

ETHEL Ethel Merman, that's who!

(She acknowledges applause from the audience, whether there is or not.) Swell!

(She turns back to the PHANTOM.) God, your face is uglier than I thought it would be.

(She notices a big black object just under his hairline.) And what's that growth on your forehead? Oh, I know what that is, that's that strange Andrew Lloyd Webber disease I heard about!

PHANTOM (Very snottily)

NO. This is my DX 445 Mega Voice Thickener… (His voice is suddenly amplified)

with sound propellant!

ETHEL Sounds more like sound RE- pellent to me!

PHANTOM Times have changed, Ms. Merman. THIS is how we sing nowadays.

(He takes in a huge audible breath, then sings ever-so-quietly.)

You're Just in Love

PHANTOM (CONT'D) (Sings:)

I KEEP SINGING THOUGH MY VOICE IS AIR I KEEP GOING WHEN THERE'S NOTHING THERE THERE'S A BIG BLACK LUMP INSIDE MY HAIR YOU WONDER WHY?

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PHANTOM (CONT’D) I'LL TELL YOU WHY I KEEP WALKING THROUGH THE SHOW EACH NIGHT BUT IN SPITE OF THAT YOU'LL HEAR ALRIGHT STARS LIKE ME SEEM EVER TIRELESS THANKS TO MY WIRELESS HEAD MICROPHONE!

(ETHEL's had enough, pushes him out of the way, and takes center stage.)

ETHEL

Kid, in my day we didn't need microphones. We had VOICES then! (She sings; no, she BELTS! MERMAN'S style is big and brassy, quite different from the PHANTOM'S mysterious and slow movements.)

YOU DON'T NEED AMPLIFYIN' YOU'LL BE LOUD AS A LION BE LIKE ME, USE YOUR DIAPHRAGM TAKE THAT THING OFF YOUR FOREHEAD IT LOOKS LIKE A NUKE WARHEAD AND YOU SOUND SHEEPISH AS A LAMB IF TODAY I GOT HIRED I WOULD SWEAT, WHEN I'M WIRED CAUSING SOME ELECTRONIC ZING COME ON KID, AND GET SOME CLASS

(She hits him on the back, causing him to bend forward..)

ETHEL (CONT'D) TAKE THAT MIC OUT OF YOUR ASS

(She lifts a mic-pack out of his back pocket, then throws it offstage.)

ETHEL (CONT'D)

AND ADMIT YOU JUST CAN'T SING (Speaks:)

Stick with me, kid, I'll have you singin' like Jolson in no time!

(The PHANTOM can't decide whether to run offstage and find his precious mic-pack, or come in on time for his song cue; he decides to join her at the last second; they sing in counterpoint:)

ETHEL

YOU DON'T NEED AMPLIFYIN' YOU'LL BE LOUD AS A LION BE LIKE ME, USE YOUR DIAPHRAGM (ETHEL hits him on the diaphragm)

PHANTOM I KEEP SINGING THOUGH MY VOICE IS AIR I KEEP GOING WHEN THERE'S NOTHING THERE THERE'S A BIG BLACK LUMP

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ETHEL (CONT’D) TAKE THAT THING OFF YOUR FOREHEAD IT LOOKS LIKE A NUKE WARHEAD AND YOU SOUND SHEEPISH AS A LAMB (Spoken, she shows him how to properly dance) This way, kid! (Sings:) IF TODAY I GOT HIRED I WOULD SWEAT, WHEN I'M WIRED CAUSING SOME ELECTRONIC ZING (Spoken) Now clap! (She claps and sing) COME ON KID, AND GET SOME CLASS TAKE THAT MIC OUT OF YOUR ASS SUCK IT IN AND TRY TO SING

PHANTOM (CONT’D) INSIDE MY HAIR (Merman-esque belting) YOU WONDER WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY

PHANTOM (CONT’D) I KEEP WALKING THROUGH THE SHOW EACH NIGHT BUT IN SPITE OF THAT YOU'LL HEAR ALRIGHT (He's in full MERMAN mode now!) STARS LIKE ME SEEM EVER TIRELESS (He claps and sings:) THANKS TO MY WIRELESS HEAD MICROPHONE!

(The PHANTOM steps back and practices his diaphragmatic breathing.)

ETHEL

COME ON, KID, SING LOUD AND CLEAR WARBLE DOWN THAT CHANDELIER

PHANTOM

(He is ready now to show off his new big Broadway sound, more Merman than Herman.)

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS ME!

ETHEL (Spoken)

Yeah! BOTH

THAT'S THE MERMAN WAY TO SING! (Spoken)

Swell!

(BLACKOUT)

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MAMMA MIA

Mamma Mia

(A woman is dressed in bright neon MAMMA MIA disco garb center stage. She sings, in her best pop voice.)

MAMMA MIA LADY 1 THERE'S A SHOW IN NEW YORK WITH A LITERATE BOOK COMPLEX MUSICAL SCORE AND A CLASSICAL LOOK ON THE WEST END IT LOOKED RIDICULOUS BUT IN NEW YORK IT'S METICULOUS DEEP AND SMART AND EQUIVILENT TO HIGH ART

IT'S A SMASH AND FULL OF VIGOR AND VERVE EUROTRASH BUT IF YOU GRADE ON A CURVE WHOOOOOA!

(She strikes a “Saturday Night Fever” pose.)

MAMMA MIA NEXT TO CURRENT TRASH SEEMS AS GREAT AS KISS ME, KATE NOW MAMMA MIA IT'S AN ARTY SMASH COMPARED TO THE SECOND RATE NOW

Dancing Queen

(Song changes to "Dancing Queen" as MAMMA MIA LADY 2 ENTERS and joins in singing.)

MAMMA MIA LADY 2 "DANCING QUEEN", "VOULEZ-VOUS" SEEM LIKE PUCCINI TODAY

MAMMA MIA LADY 1 WICKED IS TURNING GREEN 'CAUSE WE'RE KEEN

BOTH TO EV'RY THEATRE QUEEN!

(LADY 1 does a disco move as LADY 2 sings:)

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MAMMA MIA LADY 2 SHOWS WITH ROCK AND RAP DON'T RUN LONG EV'RYONE LOVES AN ABBA SONG

(LADY 2 does the 'hustle' as LADY 1 sings:)

MAMMA MIA LADY 2 (CONT'D) ONE'S AS GOOD AS THE OTHER ANYONE WILL DO

BOTH (They both strike a 'Saturday Night Fever' pose.)

GET IN YOUR BEE-GEE STANCE SQUEEZE IN YOUR SPANDEX PANTS

(They reach back and pull on their uncomfortably tight spandex.

COME BE A THEATER QUEEN WE’RE HIGH ART, IF YOU’RE SEVENTEEN ONLY SHOW IN NEW YORK THAT IS SQEAKY CLEAN OH, YEAH!

For a moment, the ladies recreate an ABBA video, one facing forward, the other facing her partner, then switching on each solo line.)

MAMMA MIA LADY 1 NOTHING TRITE

MAMMA MIA LADY 2 NOTHING CHEAP

MAMMA MIA LADY 1 A BLOCKBUSTER FOR MERYL STREEP WE'RE LIKE A CHEKHOV SCENE

BOTH WELL AT LEAST TO A DEMENTED QUEEN!

(The pianist begins to play a tambourine.)

BOTH (CONT'D) NUMB YOUR BRAIN KILL YOUR DRIVE

(They stop moving, with deadpan expressions.)

BOTH (CONT'D LITERACY WON'T SURVIVE

(Then the ladies break back into the disco fluff!)

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BOTH (CONT'D) OHHHHHH, SHAKESPEARE'S DEAD BROADWAY'S LEAN

(Both do the 'Saturday Night Fever' stance) NOW IT'S A DISCO QUEEN!

BOTH (CONT’D) OH, YEAAAH!

(BLACKOUT)

RENT SEQUENCE

Rant ("Rent")

(ANTHONY RAPP [MARK] is seen upstage center, in an awkward pose, his fingers spread wide near his head, with a grimace on his face. He steps forward and sings to the song "Rent.")

ANTHONY RAPP (MARK) HOW DO YOU KEEP UP WITH THE FADS WHEN ALL THE FADS ARE MULTIPLYING BY THREE BIG ADS SMALL ADS BLOW MY MIND AND NOW E-GADS RENT IS HISTORY!

(Now ADAM PASCAL [ROGER] walks on stage with loads of attitude. They almost shout at each other.)

BOTH RENT!

(ANTHONY starts waving his hands over his head as if he is in Mamma Mia.)

ADAM PASCAL (ROGER) ONCE WE WERE COOL AND NEW NOW THAT VOULEZ-VOUS FROM MAMMA MIA IS HOT

(He motions for ANTHONY to stop the un-cool Mamma Mia move.) AND OUR MOVIE VERSION WAS A PERVISION OF WHAT WAS ONCE APPLAUDED A LOT

ANTHONY RAPP (MARK) ONCE OVER RATED

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ADAM PASCAL (ROGER) NOW WE ARE DATED

BOTH ONCE WE WERE ADMIRED WE WERE WILD AND WIRED NOW WE’RE OLD AND TIRED RENT IS SPENT

(They take their microphones in hand and approach the audience.)

BOTH (CONT'D) DON'T SEE RENT WHERE WE VENT AND RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! 'CAUSE GOOD OL' RENT IS…. SPENT!

(They jump into the air and bring the number to a smashing 'rock' close.)

Seasons of Hype ("Seasons Of Love")

(Lights crossfade as we hear the first strains of the song "Seasons Of Love". ANTHONY straightens up and slowly walks across the stage, eyeing the audience. He is full of pain and angst. Do they understand his deep anguish and inability to pay his rent? He stands stage left and looks toward the entrance as DAPHNE ENTERS, striking a pose. They pass each other, giving an understanding nod. ADAM walks past them: his fist in the air. They all come forward to the edge of the stage and share their message:)

ALL (EXCEPT LIZA) FIVE-HUNDRED- TWENTY-FIVE-THOUSAND- SIX-HUNDRED WRITE UPS

FIVE-HUNDRED- TWENTY-FIVE-THOUSAND MAGAZINE SPREADS

FIVE-HUNDRED- TWENTY-FIVE-THOUSAND- SIX-HUNDRED PHOTOS

HOW DO YOU MEASURE OUR SWELLING HEADS?

ADD RECORDS AND T.V. AND MIDNIGHT

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ALL (EXCEPT LIZA) (CONT’D) ON DAVID LETTERMAN AND DOZENS OF GROUPIES

(Bending forward and staring at the audience members in front of them) IN THE FIRST ROW IN FIVE-HUNDRED- TWENTY-FIVE-THOUSAND- SIX-HUNDRED FEATURES HOW DO YOU MEASURE THE WORTH OF A SHOW HOW ABOUT

(They push the sound of the 'P' in the word 'HYPE' the first time.) HYPE! HYPE! LAYERS OF HYPE! HYPE! FORGET ABOUT LOVE! IT'S THE SEASON OF HYPE! SEASONS OF HYPE! SEASONS OF HYPE!

(All turn toward DAPHNE as she wails.)

DAPHNE FIVE-HUNDRED- TWENTY-FIVE-THOUSAND- SIX-HUNDRED TONYS ADD ON A HIGHLY IMPRESSIVE PULITZER PRIZE ORDER UP FIVE-HUNDRED- TWENTY-FIVE-THOUSAND- SIX-HUNDRED HOUSE SEATS THERE'D BE A RIOT IF THE PUBLIC GOT WISE

(All look at ADAM for his solo.)

ADAM

FOR A HOUSE ORDER SEAT IS ESPECIALLY SAVED FOR THE SHOW BIZ ELITE NOT THE VILLAGE DEPRAVED

ALL (EXCEPT LIZA)

(They clap, encouraging the audience to join them.) HOW SADLY IRONIC THAT A STORY ABOUT FRIENDS IS NEVER TO BE SEEN

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ALL (EXCEPT LIZA) (CONT’D) BY THEIR LIKE JUST THE RICH WHO LIKE TRENDS EVERYTHING'S HYPE! THINK OF THE HYPE! WHERE IS THE LOVE? IN THE DECADE OF HYPE!

DAPHNE (Riffing:)

HYPE, HYPE, HYPE, THAT'S ALL I HEAR, TOO MUCH HYPE… OY! WHAT HYPE!

ALL (EXCEPT LIZA) SEASONS OF HYPE! SEASONS OF HYPE!

(They push out that final 'P' in hype one more time.

FADEOUT) LIZA MINELLI SEQUENCE

Liza One Note ("Johnny One Note")

(In the dark, we hear an offstage voice announce:) VOICEOVER

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss…. Liiiiza Minnelli!

(Lights up on FEMALE 2 [LIZA], dressed in a red sequined jumpsuit.)

LIZA (Spoken:)

YES! (She breathes hard, showing us she's really giving it her all.)

MAMA TAUGHT ME TO SING ONE NOTE AND THE NOTE I SING IS THIS

(She laughs) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

(Grabs the microphone and moves all about the stage.)

I'M LIZA ONE NOTE GOT NO VIBRATO AND CAN'T SING LEGATO AT ALL...

I'M LIZA ONE-NOTE SQUEEZING MY HIGH NOTES AND SNEAKING RIGHT BY NOTES TAKES GALL

(She jumps up and down.) TO BOUNCE ROUND THE STAGE LIKE A BALL

I'M A LITTLE BRASS

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LIZA (CONT’D) AND A LOT OF DRUMS MAY BE KIND OF CRASS STILL THE PUBLIC COMES

I'M LIZA ONE-NOTE DADDY MINNELLI AND UNCLE GENE KELLY SAID, "KID, SQUEEZE OUT YOUR ONE NOTE. YOU'LL BE A STAR AND THEY'LL KNOW YOU AS FAR AS MADRID." AND MAMMA MADE SURE THAT THEY DID NOW I HAVE HER VOICE AS YOU WOULD SUPPOSE BUT IF I'D THE CHOICE I'D HAVE FIXED MY NOSE I DRESS IN RED SEQUINS, BLUE SEQUINS, GOLD SEQUINS CLEAR SEQUINS AND SOMETIMES HALSTON CHIFFON

(Colored lights flash wildly as LIZA hits her fabulous one note.)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'M LIZA ONE NOTE, WHEN I START SINGING YOUR EARS WILL BE RINGING IN PAIN THAT'S WHY ALL MY FANS SNORT COCAINE

(Spoken very quickly, while fidgeting all around the stage) Oh, God! I love show biz! The lights! The audience! The curtain! Ah! Ha! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! I feel terrific!

(Asking an audience member) How do you feel?

(She offers her mic for a response, but quickly pulls it back.) Good. Hello. I love you! I love you all! Thank you so much for coming. Touch me. Would you like to?

(She offers her hand.) Go ahead...it's all right. Go on.

(She then pulls away sharply.) That's enough.

(She laughs wildly.) Can I be serious for a minute? Just… just for a minute…

(She stops, looks up dramatically in a frozen pose for 5 seconds, then is suddenly animated again.)

OK That's enough! (She laughs! She then runs up to the piano and climbs on for the big finish; sings:)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MY SINGING WILL GIVE YOU A PAIN I'M LIZA ONE NOTE, MY ONE NOTE WILL DRIVE YOU IN-SAAAAAAAAAANE!!!! YES!

(BLACKOUT)

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SPAMALOT

Spamalot (“Camelot”)

(Lights up, and TIM CURRY as KING ARTHUR is standing triumphantly stage center. Many cans of SPAM adorn his regal wear.)

TIM CURRY IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE MIKE NICHOLS HAD A PLAN TO SATISFY EACH MONTY PYTHON FAN

A LAW WAS MADE BY FANS OF ERIC IDLE THEY LAUGH BEFORE THE JOKES RIGHT ON THE DOT AND NOW THE CAST IS GETTING SUICIDAL AT SPAMALOT

(Spoken:) It's so annoying!

(Sings:) OUR AUDIENCE KNOWS EVERY JOKE THAT'S COMING AND PEOPLE SCREAM OUT

OFF-STAGE VOICE (Shouted)

Wait…That's not the plot!!

TIM CURRY SO WE TRASH CAMELOT AND MUG AND HAM A LOT AND MONTY PYTHON FANS GET HOT WHEN THEY SEE SPAMALOT

(The king trots off on an invisible horse, as we hear the clippity-clop of Galahad's invisible horse, ridden by SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER. He arrives center stage, pushes back his long, glorious locks of hair, and sings He is gorgeous.)

The Song They Stole From Us (“The Song That Goes Like This”)

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER ONCE IN EVERY SHOW THERE COMES A SONG LIKE THIS IT STARTS OUT SOFT AND SLOW AND ENDS UP WITH A KISS OH WHERE IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS? WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?

(Unknown to GALAHAD, his lady love has entered upstage and crosses to him. She is the most beautiful creature in the land.)

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SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE A SENTIMENTAL SONG THAT CASTS A MAGIC SPELL THEY ALL WILL HUM ALONG WE'LL OVERACT LIKE HELL OH, THIS IS THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS

(They hold each other closely.)

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER

YES, IT IS!

SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE YES!

BOTH

YES!

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER

NOW WE CAN GO STRAIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE EIGHT A BRIDGE THAT IS TOO FAR FOR ME

SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE

I'LL SING IT IN YOUR FACE WHILE WE BOTH EMBRACE

BOTH

AND THEN WE CHANGE THE KEY

(They are both taken out of the scene a bit, as they begin to realize something very odd.)

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER

BUT WAIT THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE

SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE THE LYRICS DIDN'T CHANGE

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER

WE'RE FORBIDDEN BROADWAY HERE

SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE THE WORDS ARE REAL AND CLEAR

(With great glee, they realize just how FORBIDDEN BROADWAY can get back at SPAMALOT.)

BOTH

WE STOLE "THE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS"

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SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE NOW ERIC IDLE'S PISSED

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER

BUT ONE SONG WON'T BE MISSED

SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE WHY SHOULD HE MAKE A FUSS?

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER

HE STOLE THIS JOKE FROM US

BOTH SO WE'LL STEAL IT BACK FROM THAT WUSS

(Another key change; it's a bit too much for SIEBER.)

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER

(Spoken) Jesus Christ!

SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE A JOKE ON CHANGING KEYS

SIR CHRISTOPHER SIEBER

WE ALWAYS DO THAT, PLEEEASE!

SARA RAMIREZ OF THE LAKE …LIKE RHYMING "DAMN REFRAIN"

BOTH

WITH "WE SHALL GO INSANE"

(CHRISTOPHER SIEBER drops to one knee, holding her hand.)

BOTH (CONT’D)

SO WE'LL SING THEIR SONG AND MAKE THEM CUSS!

(He now stands by his lady, to finish this song that ends on an incredibly high note.)

BOTH (CONT’D) FOR THIS IS THE SONG THEY STOLE FROM US!

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CATS

Old Cats/I Enjoy Being A Cat ("I Enjoy Being A Girl")

(As the first notes are played, we hear a "Meow" from the audience. Then, another "Meow!", and lights reveal MALE 2 in the audience, his back against a wall on a high ledge while dressed in a tuxedo. His hands, chest and head are rather furry. He has cat whiskers and a tail. He purrs.)

MALE 2

REMEMBER WHEN ACTORS PLAYED HUMANS NOW TO BRING HOME A PAYCHECK I DRESS UP IN FUR SO I GLUE ON MY WHISKERS, TAIL AND ANIMAL HAIR

(He jumps — safely! — to the ground) AND I GRIN IT AND I BEAR IT WITH A PURR

(He prances around the audience, joyfully.)

MALE 2 (CONT’D) WHEN I WEAR MY BRAND NEW COLLAR AND MY FUR IS ALL SMOOTH AND PAT I LOVE TO HEAR THE PUBLIC HOLLER I ENJOY BEING A CAT!

(He hops onto the stage.)

I'D RATHER DO SERIOUS DRAMAS BUT AS LONG AS MY PAYCHECK'S FAT THIS SHOW IS THE CAT'S PAJAMAS I ENJOY BEING A CAT!

(He leaps up on the piano.)

THOUGH FOLKS SAY THE SHOW IS LONG AND BORING AND WE DANCE LIKE NEUROTIC CHIMPANZEES AS LONG AS THE CRITICS ARE ADORING I'M WILLING TO WEAR A COSTUME FULL OF FLEAS I'M STRICTLY A METHOD MORRIS AND A PUSS-N-BOOTS ACROBAT

(He jumps back onto the stage, then to center.)

AND I LOVE PURRING IN THE CHORUS BEING CUTE, CUDDLY AND COY 'CAUSE I ENJOY BEING A CAT

(Arms wide, he holds this note right into the next word without a breath – impressive!)

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MALE 2 (CONT’D) REMEMBER WHEN NO ONE WOULD CAST ME NOW I'VE GOT ME A CO-OP AND I'M RAKING IT IN

(He reaches out toward the light, à la Grizzabella.)

NEXT SEASON I'M STARRING IN LLOYD WEBBER'S NEW SHOW (Triumphantly, as if his next role is Hamlet)

I'LL BE PLAYING (Then, defeated)

RIN-TIN-TIN

(He wanders off, trying out his new 'dog bark' sounds, till finally giving up and doing what he does best – leaping offstage with a final MEOW!)

ANOTHER WORD FROM LES MIZ*

On My Phone (“On My Own”)

EPONINE (EPONINE enters on the revolving turntable, and quickly grabs the center microphone, ending up with her back to the audience upstage center. She turns around, cold and frightened)

ROTATING UPSTAGE WHERE IT'S DARK THERE ISN'T ANYONE TO TALK TO I SAY MY LINES I HIT MY MARK BUT I KEEP LOOKING AT THE CLOCK, TOO

(She comes to center and replaces the mic in its stand.)

UNTIL I ENTER NEXT THERE'S LOTS OF TIME TO SEND A TEXT…

(She holds up a cell phone from her pocket, just before singing the next line.)

ON MY PHONE I CHECK UP ON MY VOICE MAIL ON MY PHONE BEHIND THE "LES MIZ" RUBBLE

WITHOUT LIGHTS THE MURKY SHADOWS HIDE ME IN CASE I'M FEELING BORED I KEEP MY IPHONE CLOSE BESIDE ME

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EPONINE (CONT’D) ON MY PHONE WHILE JEAN VAL JEAN IS WEEPING I CAN CALL THE JERK WITH WHOM I'M SLEEPING

IN THE DARKNESS I STILL CAN TEXT A MESSAGE AND GOSSIP WITH MY GIRL FRIEND WHILE I'M SINGING "ON MY OWN"

(Phone rings; she answers it; spoken:)

EPONINE (CONT'D) Hello…Oh hi! Where are you guys? Oh you're in act II…we're still in act I. I'll call you back after I die.

(Sings:) ROTATE ME THEN SHOOT ME

(We hear a loud gunshot; she has been hit.)

EPONINE (CONT’D) I'M DYING TO CALL YOU…ON MY PHONE!

*THIS SONG MAY BE INSERTED ANYWHERE IN THE SHOW, INCLUDING THE LESMIZ SEQUENCE

FIDDLER ON THE ROOF

Ambition ("Tradition")

(We hear the first famous notes from Fiddler On The Roof in the dark, as lights come up revealing TEVYE walking toward the microphone.)

TEVYE (MALE 1) An actor in New York... Sounds crazy, no? But in our little village… of Manhattan... there are over fifty thousand actors... all trying their best, not to end up ....in Baltimore. It isn't easy! You may ask, "Why do we stay here if it is so competitive?" We stay...because everyone else is here. And what keeps us from ending up in Baltimore? That, I can tell you, in ONE WORD: AMBITION!!!

(He raises his arms and sings) AMBITION, AMBITION!

ALL (VILLAGERS ENTER, arms raised; they move behind him in a line)

AMBITION! AMBITION, AMBITION! AMBITION!

(MEN do faux Bottle Dance and ultimately crash into each other; TEVYE sends the male villager back into the line behind him.)

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TEVYE (Embarrassed, indicating MALE 2)

Goyim. You may ask, "How did these ambitions get started?" I'll tell you: I don't know. But this much I do remember:

(Sings:) WHEN I WAS TEN I SAW A SHOW ON TV SAW A SHOW ON TV, STARRING GARRY MOORE. I WROTE AND I ASKED TO PUT ME ON THE SHOW, BUT HE SAID,"GO ASK DINAH SHORE"

(He beats his chest in woe) REJECTION! REJECTION!

ALL

AMBITION! (They imitate his chest pounding.)

REJECTION! REJECTION! AMBITION!

(TEVYE, arms raised, steps back into the line, as they all revolve in a circle, clockwise. FEMALE 2 steps up to the mic.)

FEMALE 2 WHEN I WAS AN INGENUE AD NAUSEUM MY VOICE WAS LIKE A LITTLE LAMB NOBODY WOULD HIRE ME OR GIVE A DAMN UNTIL I LEARNED TO USE MY DIAPHRAGM

(She spreads her arms wide.) PROJECTION! PROJECTION!

ALL

AMBITION

(The others imitate her, spreading their arms.)

ALL (CONT'D) PROJECTION! PROJECTION! AMBITION!

(They revolve again in a clockwise circle, and MALE 2 steps forward.)

MALE 2

AT TEN I WAS A PRETTY BOY AT SEVENTEEN, A DREAM I NEVER HAD A PIMPLE, SO I DO COMMERCIALS.

(He pats the smooth skin on his face.) COMPLEXION! COMPLEXION!

ALL

AMBITION! (They copy his movements, patting the skin on their faces.)

COMPLEXION! COMPLEXION! AMBITION!

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(Everyone revolves, and FEMALE 1 is now at the microphone.)

FEMALE 1 (Shyly)

AND WHEN I WAS A CHILD NOBODY LOOKED MY WAY UNTIL I GOT THE LEAD IN MY HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR PLAY!

(She suddenly makes a wild movement to be sure all eyes are on her.) ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

ALL

AMBITION!

(The others begin jumping, waving, anything to get attention!)

ALL (CONT'D) ATTENTION! ATTENTION! AMBITION!

(Everyone steps forward, arms raised, ending in a line in front of the microphone. They each perform their verse exactly as they just did, only this time each character singing his or her verse in counterpoint to the others:)

TEVYE

WHEN I WAS TEN I SAW A SHOW ON TV SAW A SHOW ON TV, STARRING GARRY MOORE. I WROTE AND I ASKED TO PUT ME ON THE SHOW, BUT HE SAID,"GO ASK DINAH SHORE"

REJECTION!

TEVYE (CONT’D) AMBITION! REJECTION! AMBITION!

FEMALE 2 WHEN I WAS AN INGENUE AD NAUSEUM MY VOICE WAS LIKE A LITTLE LAMB NOBODY WOULD HIRE ME OR GIVE A DAMN UNTIL I LEARNED TO USE MY DIAPHRAGM ATTENTION!

FEMALE 2 (CONT’D) AMBITION! ATTENTION! AMBITION!

MALE 2 AT TEN I WAS A PRETTY BOY AT SEVENTEEN, A DREAM I NEVER HAD A PIMPLE, SO I DO COMMERCIALS. MALE 2 (CONT’D)

PROJECTION!

AMBITION! PROJECTION! AMBITION!

FEMALE 1 AND WHEN I WAS A CHILD NOBODY LOOKED MY WAY UNTIL I GOT THE LEAD IN MY HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR PLAY! FEMALE 1 (CONT’D) COMPLEXION! AMBITION! COMPLEXION! AMBITION!

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(As TEVYE slowly makes his way back to the microphone, the others take three steps back in time to the music, with their arms raised, finally lowering their arms and appearing once again in a straight line behind MALE 1.)

TEVYE (MALE 1)

Ambition! Ambition!! Without our ambitions, our lives would be as crazy as...as....as an actor in New York!

(BLACKOUT)

CAMERON MACINTOSH

Cameron MacIntosh

CAMERON I’M CAMRON MACINTOSH NAPOLEON OF BROADWAY I’VE PRODUCED EV’RY NEW HIT SHOW. I’M CAM’RON MACINTOSH THE EMPEROR OF BROADWAY… BUT THERE’S SOMETHING YOU OUGHT TO KNOW. THOUGH I CAME, I SAW, I CONQUERED WITH MY SHOW BUS’NESS FINESSE, AND MY CONTROVERSIAL CASTING PUT THE UNION IN DISTRESS IT’S MY MARKETING OF SOUVENIERS THAT’S MORE OF A SUCCESS. SWEATSHIRTS AND T-SHIRTS AND BLANKETS AND MITTENS, WHISKERS AND CAT EARS AND LITTLE STUFFED KITTENS, OLD LES MIS BODICES HELD UP BY STRINGS… THESE ARE A FEW OF MY SOUVENIR THINGS. RECORDS AND CDS AND VOCAL SELECTIONS, CAT GLOVES AND CAT TAILS FROM CAT VIVISECTIONS, LLOYD WEBBER DOLLS AND COLM WILKINSON RINGS… THESE ARE A FEW OF MY SOUVENIR THINGS. WHEN A SHOW FLOPS, WHEN THE GROSS DROPS, WHEN A WEEK IS SLOW,

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CAMERON (CONT’D) I MARKET AND MERCHANDISE SOUVENIER THINGS, AND GROSSES DON’T SEEM SO LOW.

KEY CHAINS AND WALLETS AND CHANDELIER CRYSTALS, COFFEE CUPS, PLAYING CARDS, JEAN VALJEAN PISTOLS, TOY HELICOPTERS AND TURNTABLE SPRINGS… THESE ARE A FEW OF MY SOUVENIR THINGS.

LES MIZ CHOC’LATES SHAPED LIKE ORPHANS, PATCHES FOR YOUR SLEEVE… IT COSTS ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS TO COME SEE THE SHOW AND ONE HUNDRED MORE TO LEAVE!

BACK TO BARBRA

Back To Broadway ("On A Clear Day")

(We see a figure stepping forward into a beam of light. It is BARBRA STREISAND, in concert.)

BARBRA MEMORIES... PEOPLE... BARBRA... STREISAND...

BACK TO BROADWAY TO RECORD SOME SLOW

(She holds this note a very long time.) TUNES THEY'RE MY DULLEST SO FAR

(She starts belting in the middle of "Broad.") BACK TO BROADWAY TO DESTROY MORE SHOW TUNES AND I CAN, 'CAUSE I KNOW I OUTSHINE EVERY STAR

TELL DICK RODGERS "SOME ENCHANTED EVENING'S" FIXED I IMPROVED HIS SAPPY TUNES AND HAD HIS ORCHE-ORCHESTRATIONS NIXED

'CAUSE I GET MY WAY

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BARBRA (CONT’D) BACK ON BROADWAY EVERY SONG'S REWRITTEN, REMASTERED, AND OVERMIXED

I'LL GO TOURING AND BE BIGGER THAN BEFORE AND BE FORCED TO GET DIVORCED BECAUSE JAMES BROLIN IS A BORE

AND IF I REALLY WENT BACK TO BROADWAY I WOULD RUN FOREVER, AND EVER, AND EVER, AND EVER MORE!

(FADEOUT)

HAIRSPRAY

YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP

(MARISSA JARET WINOKUR dances on in a huge fat suit with big hair and loads of energy!)

MARISSA YOU CAN'T STOP THE TRENDY TRENDS POP CULTURE BRINGS TODAY AND IN HAIRSPRAY NO ONE HERE PRETENDS WE HAVE SOMETHING DEEP TO SAY SO DON'T TRY TO STOP OUR DANCIN' FEET AND OUR RACIAL EXPOSÉ

‘CAUSE THE SETS SPIN ROUND AND ROUND AND THE VOLUME IS PUMPED TO A BLARING SOUND BUT "HAIRSPRAY" WILL ASTOUND AS THE GOOD TIME CHAMP AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP NO, YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP!

(Spoken:) And to prove my point let me introduce the greatest Diva of the new century!

(HARVEY FIERSTEIN appears in an identical fat suit, divine in drag, while 'daughter' MARISSA grooves to the beat nearby)

HARVEY I AM HARVEY FIERSTEIN AND I LIKE THE WAY I AM WHEN I DID "TORCH SONG TRILOGY" I DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN AND SO THEY’VE TAKEN BACK MY PULITZER

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HARVEY (CONT’D) BECAUSE NOW I AM A HAM I DID SERIOUS DRAMA IN MY DAY AND IT WASN'T MUCH FUN AND IT DIDN'T PAY SO I DESCENDED TO DRAG AND NOW I PLAY A VAMP AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP

(LAURA BUNDY from LEGALLY BLONDE ENTERS from upstage, and wears a perfect pink suit along with her perfect pink bag that holds her perfect little dog. HARVEY watches in jealous wonder.)

LAURA BELL BUNDY

I AM LAURA BUNDY AND OF BROADNESS I AM FOND AND ON ANY NIGHT BUT MONDAY NIGHT I'M ILLEGALLY BLEACH BLONDE CUZ' I'M A WANNA BE REESE WITHERSPOON SO YOU MIGHT FEEL JUST A LITTLE CONNED BUT BIG FLASHY SETS SLIDE IN AND OUT AND I PRANCE IN THE PINK AND I POSE AND POUT AND MY VOLUME IS SO PUMPED UP I BLOW OUT AN AMP AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP

(As LAURA waves good-bye and EXITS, HARVEY does a 'shimmy' move behind MARISSA, and the two separate to reveal… JOHN TRAVOLTA from the movie of HAIRSPRAY. He seems very comfortable in his get-up.)

HARVEY AND MARISSA Eeew! Who are you?

JOHN TRAVOLTA DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME FROM "PULP FICTION" AND FROM "GREASE" CAN'T YOU SEE I'M JOHN TRAVOLTA AND I ALWAYS PACK A PIECE BUT IN THIS BRAND NEW FILM OF "HAIRSPRAY" I AM PACKED TO BE OBESE SO NOW I AM GETTING CAMPY TOO MAYBE NEXT I'LL APPEAR IN "XANADU" EVERY MUSICAL CARRIES A "CUTE AND CUDDLY" STAMP

(All three now join in for the big dance finale.)

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HARVEY, MARISSA, AND JOHN AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE TACKY, SILLY, WACKY SHOWS FROM PLAYIN' BROADWAY AND IT'S TRAUMA DOIN' DRAMA OR A SERIOUS PLAY AND BURSTING INTO SONG IS UNACCEPTABLE AND SO GAY

AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE MIGHTY META-MUSICAL FROM HITTING THE SCREEN AND EVEN JOHN TRAVOLTA IS A BIG OL' QUEEN

WE'RE SICK OF VAPID MUSICALS BUT KITSCHY CLICHÉ IS CHAMP AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP

(The three revolve in a circle, each of them calling out the name of a totally “camp” musical.)

HARVEY, MARISSA, AND JOHN (CONT'D) (Spoken:)

MAMMA MIA*

(Sung:) UP AND COMING CAMP

(Spoken:) SISTER ACT

(Sung:) YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP

(Spoken:) 9 TO 5

(Sung:) YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP

(Spoken:) HARRY CONNICK

(Sung:) YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP

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ENCORE

HARVEY, MARISSA, AND JOHN YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP!

HARVEY GREASE!

(HARVEY dances off)

JOHN AND MARISSA YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP!

JOHN YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN!

(JOHN EXITS)

MARISSA YOU CAN'T STOP THE CAMP!

(Speaks:) The new revival of A CHORUS LINE!

(MARISSA EXITS)

(As MARISSA exits, DONNA MCKECHNIE from A CHORUS LINE ENTERS to sing "What I Did for Laughs")

* (Words in parentheses are spoken and should be divided up as solos)

A CHORUS LINE WHAT WE DID FOR LAUGHS (“What I Did For Love”)

(DONNA MCKECHNIE does a few moves in her red leotard from her famous "Music And The Mirror" number, as she arrives center to sing)

DONNA MCKECHNIE KISS CLICHÉS GOODBYE WE'RE HOPING THAT TOMORROW BROADWAY GIVES US SOMETHING NEW BUT WE WON'T FORGET WHAT WE DID FOR LAUGHS WHAT WE DID FOR LAUGHS

SOMEONE HAD TO TRY TO PARODY OR BORROW MUSICALS THAT DON'T RING TRUE SO WE DON'T REGRET WHAT WE DID FOR LAUGHS WHAT WE DID FOR LAUGHS

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(Three other members of the cast of A CHORUS LINE slowly enter. Each has a dance bag over their shoulders, with the FORBIDDEN BROADWAY logo on it. They pose in various spots on the stage.)

ALL GONE ETHEL MERMAN'S GONE BUT WE'LL BUILD UPON CLASSICS WE REMEMBER

(The dancers now form the famous CHORUS LINE.)

KISS TODAY GOODBYE

DONNA MCKECHNIE

WE'RE HOPEFUL THAT TOMORROW

ALL (BUT DONNA MCKECHNIE) (HOPEFUL THAT TOMORROW)

ALL THERE'LL BE BETTER SHOWS TO DO WHAT WE DID IN FORBIDDEN WE DID FOR LOVE LAUGHS AND LOT'S OF LOVE HOPING YOU WILL

(The cast turns three quarter left, heads out to the audience and address them directly. On the word "dream", all raise their left arms slowly, and thumb their noses facing stage left on the button of the song.)

ALL (CONT'D)

FOLLOW EV'RY RAINBOW TILL YOU FIND YOUR DREAM!

CURTAIN CALL

BOWS STAGE MANAGER:

Ladies and Gentlemen, at the piano: ______________! (name of Actor who plays MALE 1)! (name of Actress who plays FEMALE 1)! (name of Actor who plays MALE 2)! (name of Actress who plays FEMALE 2)!

(Each take a solo bow, then join hands for a company bow, while the pianist plays the curtain call music. As they come up from the company bow, there is a…

BLACKOUT)

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ENCORE (TA-TA)

(Lights up on company caught in pairs, 'making out' near the piano – they are startled, compose themselves, and sing:)

ALL WELL, TA-TA FOLKS GLAD YOU GOT THE JOKES AND BELOW THE BELT REPARTEE HOPE YOU ALL HAD FUN BUT WE'VE GOT TO RUN OR SHOULD WE SAY RUN AWAY?

(They move across the stage for the big finish) BUT WE'RE SURE TO MEET ON THAT ZANY STREET FORBIDDEN BROADWAY!

(PIANIST joins them for one more bow, and all cross the stage in a half circle from right to left, acknowledging their audience as they go)

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- VOCAL BOOK -

GREATEST HITS – VOLUME I

Created and Written by

GERARD ALESSANDRINI

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. FORBIDDEN BROADWAY.................................................................................................................1 2. CHICAGO..............................................................................................................................................4

Both Reached For The Gun Glossy Fosse ("Razzle Dazzle")

3. ANNIE ...................................................................................................................................................7 Tomorrow 4. SONDHEIM: INTO THE WORDS .......................................................................................................8

Into The Words ("Into The Woods" & "A Weekend In The Country") 5. CAROL CHANNING IN HELLO, DOLLY!..........................................................................................13

Call On Carol ("Call On Dolly") Dolly Is A Girl's Best Friend ("Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend") Hello, Dolly ("Oh No, Carol)

6. CHITA/RITA .........................................................................................................................................16 America 7. MANDY PANTINKIN ..........................................................................................................................21

Somewhat Overindulgent ("Over The Rainbow") 8. WICKED................................................................................................................................................23

Defying Subtlety ("Defying Gravity") 9. MORE MISERABLES...........................................................................................................................25

Les Miserables ("C'est Magnifique") End Of The Play ("End Of The Day") I Dreamed A Show ("I Dreamed A Dream") It's Too High ("Bring Him Home") Empty Songs, Empty Lyrics ("Empty Chairs At Empty Tables")

Recitative Did You Hear The People Sing?

Finale 10. THE PHANTOM AND ETHEL ..........................................................................................................33

Mucous Of The Night "You're Just In Love"

11. MAMMA MIA.....................................................................................................................................37 Mamma, Mia Dancing Queen 12. RANT ...................................................................................................................................................40 Rant ("Rent")

Seasons Of Hype ("Seasons Of Love") 13. LIZA.....................................................................................................................................................45

Liza One Note ("Johnny One Note") 14. SPAMALOT ........................................................................................................................................48 Spamalot ("Camelot")

The Song They Stole From Us ("The Song That Goes Like This") 15. CATS....................................................................................................................................................51 Old Cats

I Enjoy Being A Cat ("I Enjoy Being A Girl") 16. ANOTHER WORD FROM LES MIZ .................................................................................................53

On My Phone ("On My Own") 17. FIDDLER ON THE ROOF ..................................................................................................................54 Ambition ("Tradition") 18. CAMERON MACINTOSH .................................................................................................................59 Cameron MacIntosh 19. BACK TO BARBRA ...........................................................................................................................62

Back To Broadway ("On A Clear Day") 20. HAIRSPRAY .......................................................................................................................................64

You Can't Stop The Camp ("You Can't Stop The Beat") 21. A CHORUS LINE................................................................................................................................69

What I Did For Laughs ("What I Did For Love") 22. BOWS ..................................................................................................................................................71 23. TATA ...................................................................................................................................................72

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& bbbb C

Bright 2(Play mm. 1-6 only if there is an understudy announcement.)

1-2

2

& bbbb 21 bb C3-5

3(Camera/cell phoneannouncement)

∑U ∑

& bb C8-10

3(Understudy [or camera/cell phone] announcement)

∑U ∑

& bb nn"And now...FORBIDDENBROADWAY!"13 ∑U ˙

UMALE 2:

˙U

There's a

&15 œ Œ œ œb

Great White Way

œ ˙b œwhere the

œ Œ œ œwhite is gray

œ ˙ œand the

&19

œ Œ œ œ#great is on

œ œ ˙ly O.

w

K...

Œ ˙ œand the-

&23 ˙ œ œb

stars we toast

Œ ˙b œgive them

˙ œ œselves a roast:

∑-

&27 Ó ˙

MALE 2, FEMALE 2:

For

˙ ˙bid den

œ œ ÓBroad way!

Ó œFEMALE 2:

œ...where a- - -

&31 ˙ œ œb

pret ty song

œ ˙b œdoes n't

œ Œ œ œquite be long...

œ ˙ œthat's un- - - -

&35

œ Œ œ œ#less the ly

œ œ ˙ric's ris

w

que...

Œ ˙ œand an- -

No. 1 — 1 —V o c a l B o o k F o r b i d d e n B r o a d w a y

FORBIDDEN BROADWAY 1

-1-

TRW

Peru

sal

Not fo

r pro

ducti

on

&39 ˙ œ œb

art y dance

Œ ˙b œdoes n't

˙ œ œstand a chance:

∑- -

&43 Ó ˙

MALES 1 & 2, FEMALE 2:

For

˙ ˙bid den

œ œÓ

Broad way!

Ó˙

MALE1:

...and- - -

&47

˙b œ œif you pay

œ ˙# œclose at

˙ ˙ten tion

˙ œ œto the- -

&51

˙ œ# œnaught y ly

œ œ# ˙rics we

wspew,

˙ ˙you'll- -

&55

˙ œ# œfind the sub

œ ˙ œ#jects we

˙ ˙men tion

˙ ˙just- -

&59 œ ‰ jœ œ œ

might have in clud

œ ˙ œ

ed the

œ œ œ œsub ject of you!

Ó ˙FEMALE 1:

So- - -

&63 œ Œ œ œb

come with us

Œ ˙b œon an

˙ œ œom ni bus

Œ ˙ œto a- -

&67

˙ œ œ#thea ter go

œ œ ˙ers' soi

w

ree...

Œ ˙ œto that- - - -

&71 ˙ œ œb

nev er land

œ ˙b œwhere the

˙ œ œhits get panned:

w- -

&75 Ó ˙

ALL:

For

˙ ˙bid den

œ .˙Broad way!

Ó˙

FEMALE 2:

See- - -

&79

˙b œ œLi za's e

œ ˙# œgo de

˙ ˙flat ed.

˙ œFEMALE 1:

œHear a- - - -

No. 1 — 2 — Forbidden Broadway

F o r b i d d e n B r o a d w a y

V o c a l B o o k

-2-

TRW

Peru

sal

Not fo

r pro

ducti

on

&83

˙ œ# œRod gers stand

œ ˙# œard re

œ Œ Óvamped.

Ó œMALE 2:

œWatch THE- - -

&87

˙ œ# œLI ON KING

œ ˙ œ#ab di

˙ ˙cat ed

˙ Ó- - - -

&91 œ ‰ jœ œ œ

AN NIE be rat

œ ˙ œ

ed, up

œ œ œ œdat ed and camped!

Ó ˙So,- - - - -

&95 œ Œ œ œb

if you dare,

œ ˙b œcross your

˙ œ œheart and swear

œ ˙ œthat you

&99

˙ œ œ#won't re peat

œ œ ˙what we

w

say.

Œ ˙MALE1:

œJust a-

&103 œ Œ œ œb

tri fle rude

œ ˙b œand we

˙ œ œmight get sued.

.˙ œFEMALE 1:

This-

&107

œ Œ œ œ#ain't Saint Vin

œ œ Œ œcent Mil

w

lay.

Œ ˙FEMALE 2:

œIt's just- -

&111 ˙ œ œb

bub ble gum,

œ ˙bMALE 2:

œall di

˙ œ œrect ly from

˙ Ó- - -

&115 ∑ Ó ˙

ALL:

For

˙ ˙

bid den

w

Broad- - -

& bbb119 wwww

way!

wwwwwwww

wwwwwwww

wwwwwwww

∑

& bbbPLAYOFF

127-134

8

No. 1 — 3 — Forbidden Broadway

F o r b i d d e n B r o a d w a y

V o c a l B o o k

-3-

TRW

Peru

sal

Not fo

r pro

ducti

on

& bbbbb C ŒModerately bright 2

1-3

3

4-5

2

& bbbbb6 Œ ˙

BILLY FLYNN:

œnWhere ya

˙ ˙go in'?

DUMMY VOICE:

Œ ˙ œTo CHI

˙ ˙CA GO.- -

& bbbbbBILLY FLYNN:

10 Œ ˙ œnWhat's CHI

˙ ˙CA GO?

DUMMY VOICE:

Œ ˙ œnIt's a

˙ ˙new show.- -

& bbbbbBILLY FLYNN:

14 Œ ˙ œnIs it

˙ ˙brand new?

DUMMY VOICE:

Œ ˙ œnWell, not

˙ ˙real ly;-

& bbbbb18 œ œn œ œ

it's a chees y

œ œ œ œcon cert ver sion

¿ ¿ ¿ ¿of Gwen Ver don's

¿ ¿ ¿ ¿last ex cur sion.- - - - - -

& bbbbbBILLY FLYNN:

22 Œ ˙ œnWhat's the

˙ ˙set like?

DUMMY VOICE:

Œ ˙ œLike a

˙ ˙bare stage.

& bbbbbBILLY FLYNN:

26 Œ ˙ œnAre there

˙ ˙cos tumes?

DUMMY (WOMAN SPEAKING):

Œ O ¿nAre you

O Okid ding?- -

& bbbbb30 Œ ˙

BILLY FLYNN:

œnWho's the

˙ ˙big star?

DUMMY VOICE:

Œ ˙ œBe be

˙ ˙

Neu wirth...- -

& bbbbb34 œ œn œ œ

but what makes it

œ œ œ œso en gag ing

¿ ¿ ¿ ¿is Bob Fos se's

¿ ¿ ¿ ¿sex y stag ing.- - - - -

No. 2 — 1 —V o c a l B o o k F o r b i d d e n B r o a d w a y

CHICAGO“Both Reached for the Gun”and “Glossy Fosse”

2

-4-

TRW

Peru

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Not fo

r pro

ducti

on

& bbbbb38 Œ œ œ œ

Oh yes, oh

œ œ œ ‰ Jœœ

yes, oh yes, she is;

œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ

oh yes, oh yes, Be be-

& bbbbb41 ‰ Jœ

œ œn œ "

is a big gun!

BILLY FLYNN:œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ

And here, and here, and here,

‰ Jœœ œ œ ‰ œ

she is. And here she

& bbbbb## 44

44 œ œ œ ‰ Jœœ

is to show you how

œ∫ œ œ Œit is done.

&## 44 .. ..

"...Miss BebeNEUWIRTH!"

46 ∑U ∑VAMP

(Cue to go on: Bebedrapes her right hand over her head)

48-49

2

&##50.œ

BEBE NEUWIRTH:

œ ‰. rœ œ

ŒGive 'em the old

œ œ œ œ#sauc y Fos se.

Œ .œ# œ# .œ œn œSauc y Fos se 'em.

∑- - - -

&##54 .œ œ# ‰

. rœ œ œTwist and con tort and

œ .œ œ ‰ .rœ œ

throw some trash in it,

œ œ œ œ œ3

and the re views will- -

&##57œ .œ œ

‰ . rœ œall be pas sion ate.

.

.œœ

BOYS:

œœ ‰. rœœœœ Œ

Give 'em the old

œœ œœ

œœœœ##

spread the fing ers.- - - - -

&##60 Œ .œ

BEBE NEUWIRTH:

œ# .œ œn œWear a bowl er hat.

∑ œ œ# œ œ œ3

Wig gle your pants like

œ œ œ œants are in your- -

&##64w

thighs.

wjœ œ jœ œ œ

Though the pro duc tion

œ œ œ œmay look shod dy,- - -

&##68 jœ œ jœ# œ ‰ jœ

ev 'ry one likes a

œ œ œ œna ked bod y.

Œ.œ œ# .œ œ œn

Sauc y Fos se 'em,

Œ œ œ œ œ œ3 3

and they'll nev er catch- - - - - - -

No. 2 — 2 — Chicago

F o r b i d d e n B r o a d w a y

V o c a l B o o k

-5-

TRW

Peru

sal

Not fo

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ducti

on

&##72˙ ¿ ¿

wise. Left foot

¿ Œ Óblue.

Ó ¿ ¿Right hand

¿ Œ Óred.

&##

76-77

2 Ó Œ ¿Now

¿ Œ Ódance!

&## .. .. b bb

VAMP

80-81

2

82-83

2

& bbb84 jœ

ALL:

œ jœ œ ŒGive 'em the old

œ œ œ œ#sauc y Fos se.

Œ .œ œ# .œ œn œDip and un du late.

∑- - - -

& bbb88 jœ

BEBE NEUWIRTH:

œ#jœ œ œ

Show 'em the lim ber

œ œ œ œburl esque queen you

œŒ Œ ‰ . r¿

BOYS:

are. I

.¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ .¿ ¿ Œ3

love ya, hon ey, I love ya!- - -

& bbb92 jœœœ

ALL:

œœœjœœœ œœœ œœœ

Run through your dance like

œœœb œœœ œœœ œœœgreased ma chin 'ry.

jœœœ œœœjœœœ# œœœ

‰ jœ

BEBE NEUWIRTH:

They'll nev er spot we- - -

& bbb95

œ œ œ œgot no scen 'ry.

Œ.œ œn .œ œ œb

Sauc y Fos se 'em,

Œ .œALL:

œ .œ œ œglos sy Fos se 'em,

Œ .œ œ .œ œ œsauc y Fos se 'em,- - - - - - -

& bbb99 Œ œ

BEBE NEUWIRTH:

œ œ œ œ3 3

and they'll make you a

.˙ Œstar!

¿ALL:

Œ ÓPose.

No. 2 — 3 — Chicago

F o r b i d d e n B r o a d w a y

V o c a l B o o k

-6-

TRW

Peru

sal

Not fo

r pro

ducti

on

&#### 44

Maestoso1 ∑ Ó Œ ‰U jœ

ANNIE:

I'm

&####3œ œ œ œ œ

Uœ œ œ

thir ty years old... to mor row...

Moderato

‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œand I have n't worked since I played- - - -

&####5œ œ

Œ ‰ œ œ œAn nie when I was

.˙‰ jœ

ten... butœ œ œ œ

‰ œ œ œmay be there's hope to mor row.- - - -

&####8 ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ

May be some some one might bring

jœ.œ œ ‰ œ œ

AN NIE back a

.˙ ‰ Jœ

gain. Re- - - -

&####11 Jœ œ

jœ Jœ œjœ

vive me! Re vive me! Please,

Jœ œ jœ Jœ œjœ

some one re vive me be

jœ œ jœ œ œfore my red hair turns- - - -

&####14 .˙ œ

gray. Last

Jœ œjœ Jœ œ

jœtime I was rot ten. Now

Jœ œ jœ Jœ œjœ

AN NIE'S for got ten. To

œ ˙ œmor row is- - - - - -

&####18 ˙ ˙

yes ter

wday!

rit.w " wU Jœ ‰ Œ Ó

- -

No. 3 — 1 —V o c a l B o o k F o r b i d d e n B r o a d w a y

ANNIE“Tomorrow”

3

-7-

TRW

Peru

sal

Not fo

r pro

ducti

on

& bb 44 .. ..1 ∑

STEPHEN "Once upon a time..."Brightly

VAMP

∑"...IN THE PARKWITH GEORGE..."

Œ ‰ jœDOT:

œ ŒI wish...

"SWEENEY TODD..."

Ó Œ ‰ jœSWEENEY:

I

& bb .. ..5

œ Œ Ówish...

∑"...INTO THE WOODS."

Œ ‰ jœRIDING HOOD:

œ ŒI wish...

VAMP

∑"...for a few things."

& bb 45 449 Œ ‰ jœ

RIDING HOOD:

œ ‰ jœI wish... I

œ œ œ œ œ œ Jœ œjœ

wish this show was more me lod ic. I

œ Œ Ówish...- -

& bb 45 44#####

12 Œ ‰ jœSWEENEY:

œ ‰ jœI wish... I

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ jœwish this show was less pre ten tious. I

œ Œ Ówish...- -

&##### 45 44 b

15 Œ ‰ jœDOT:

œ ‰ jœI wish... I

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ jœwish the lyr ics weren't so word y. I

œ Œ Ówish...- -

& b .. .. 812VAMP

18 ∑"They're supposed tolisten and go..."

∑U

& b 81220

¿STEPHEN:

¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ ¿RIDING HOOD:

¿ ¿ ¿ ‰In to the words... In to the words...

¿SWEENEY:

¿ ¿ ¿ ‰