Conflict Resolution: Dealing with Difficult People

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Copyright

All rights reserved world-wide under International and Pan-American copyright agreements. No part of this document can be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of Velsoft Training Materials, Inc.Courseware Version: 3.0Table of Contents1Preface

1Understanding Your Training Package

2Preparing for Training

3Our Top 10 Training Tips

4Materials Required

4Related Courses

4Additional Resources

5Agenda

6Icebreaker: Scrap It!

7Session One: Course Overview

10Session Two: Conflict as Communication

10Defining Conflict

13Self-Assessment

16Session Three: Benefits of Confrontation

18Session Four: Preventing Problems

18Overview

19Group Discussion

19Break

19Debrief

21Session Five: Getting Focused

21Getting to the Heart of the Matter

23The Three Fs

24Session Six: Managing Anger

24Coping Strategies

26Guidelines for Assertive Anger

28Morning Wrap-Up

28Lunch

28Energizer: Tri-Dents

29Session Seven: Dealing with Problems

29Dealing with Problems

30Debrief

31Causes of Difficult Behavior

32Session Eight: The Three-Step Conflict Resolution Model

32The Three-Step Model

34Getting the Hang of Things

34Break

35Session Nine: Practice Makes Pretty Good

35Planning

36Practice

37Session Ten: Changing Yourself

37Negative vs. Positive Interactions

39Dealing with Negative Feelings

41Session Eleven: Why Dont People Do What They Are Supposed To?

42Session Twelve: De-Stress Options to Use When Things Get Ugly

44Workshop Wrap-Up

Preface

Understanding Your Training Package

Your Velsoft training package contains the following items:

Instructor Guide: Contains all textbook information plus this preface, icebreakers, activities, delivery tips, and more!

Student Manual: Contains textbook information as well as areas to take notes. Each manual also includes an evaluation form, action plan, and recommended reading list.

Handouts: Contains pre and post class answer keys as well as any additional information or activity resources.

Pre-Assignment: Task for participants to complete before the workshop to get them thinking about the learning that will take place. PowerPoint Slides: PowerPoint presentation highlighting talking points in the course. Quick Reference Guide: Two page cheat sheet of tips and facts covered in the course.

Outline: Word document that outlines the overview and objectives of the course and summarizes each session to be covered. Advertorial: Pre-made flyer that you can customize and distribute.Preparing for TrainingTo begin, read through this Instructor Guide. This is intended to be a guide and not a bible! Be guided by your experience, the needs of the participants, and your own common sense, as well as the information in here. Most of the suggestions and all of the information have been developed through research and hands-on, classroom experience, but you will want to customize the material for your particular audience.Practice writing on flip chart paper before the workshop. You may want to draw lines on the paper (lightly, in pencil) to help you. As well, many of the flip charts suggested in this course can be prepared ahead of time. The first page should be set up like this:

Name of Workshop

Facilitated by < Your Name> Your Organizations Name

For an extra touch, include sheets with the words Courtesy, Participation, and Confidentiality written on them and post them around the room. You might also want to add the words Exercises, Role Play, Learning, and Fun.

Have an emergency kit ready with the following items:

Extra markers

Tape and sticky putty

Adhesive bandages An extension cord

Safety pins

Tissues

A bottle of water

A fuzzy toy (which can be used for many activities and to spice up any lecture)

Arrive at least one hour before the start of the session to ensure that:

Signs are placed directing trainees to your room.

The classroom is set up as desired. You know where washrooms, break facilities, smoking areas, and fire exits are located.

You have all necessary resources for the day.

Materials for the morning are laid out, particularly for the icebreaker.

Pens, sticky notes, and scrap paper are placed at every table.

If you are using a laptop, it should be connected to the projector and both items should be turned on.

Our Top 10 Training Tips

Although we will provide advice throughout the workshop, there are a few tips that we think every trainer should know.1. I always shake hands with each participant and introduce myself as they come into the classroom. I find that it breaks the ice and sets the type of friendly atmosphere that is conducive to learning.2. I always practice before the big day, even if I have delivered the course beforehand.3. Bring extra activities with you. I have a list of childrens games that Ive adjusted for adults.4. Always have a backup plan! For example, if you plan to use PowerPoint slides, make sure you have a copy of the Instructor Guide, which includes the information to be covered. 5. I like to print my instructor guide and place it in a three-ring binder. I put any customized information in here, plus during the workshop I make notes about what worked and what didnt. This will be a resource that you can build on in the future too!

6. Things will go wrong during your workshop. If you are well prepared and confident, you should be able to resolve most situations quickly and easily. Try not to let participants see you stressed!

7. Involve participants as much as you can. Have them help you set the agenda, guide activities (by passing out or collecting forms, for example), lead discussions, and improve the course. The more participants put into it, the more they will get out of it.

8. Be ready to learn. I have not yet taught a workshop where I didnt learn something. Challenge yourself!9. Tie everything back to the workplace. Its no good knowing information unless participants know how to use it.10. And finally dont be afraid to have fun! I always bring a few fuzzy toys with me. I use them as a speaking hat during discussions whoever is speaking has the toy. Plus, it sparks creativity and keeps participants interested.Materials Required Flip chart paper

Markers

Soft ball or object

Scrap paper (Morning icebreaker) Basket (Morning icebreaker) Small prizes, if desired (Morning icebreaker)Related Courses

Building Your Assertiveness and Self-Esteem Skills

Communication Strategies Conflict Resolution - Getting Along in the WorkplaceAdditional Resources

If you would like more information on training, Velsoft offers Train-the-Trainer courses at several different levels. We also like the following books:

The Trainers Tool Kit, by Cy Charney and Kathy Conway

Diversity Training, by Cris Wildermuth

Games that Teach, by Steve Sugar

Sivasailam Thiagarajans books on games and activities

If you have a favorite resource, please share it with us!Agenda8:30-8:45Icebreaker: Scrap It!

8:45-9:00Session One: Course Overview

9:00-9:30Session Two: Conflict as Communication

9:30-9:45Session Three: Benefits of Confrontation

9:45-10:45Session Four: Preventing Problems

10:45-11:15Session Five: Getting Focused

11:15-11:45Session Six: Dealing with Anger

11:45-12:00Morning Wrap-Up

12:00-1:00Lunch

1:00-1:15Energizer: Tri-Dents

1:15-2:00Session Seven: Dealing With Problems

2:00-2:30Session Eight: The Three Step Conflict Resolution Model

2:30-2:45Break

2:45-3:15Session Nine: Practice Makes Pretty Good

3:15-3:45Session Ten: Changing Yourself

3:45-4:00Session Eleven: Why Dont People Do What They Are Supposed To?

4:00-4:15Session Twelve: De-Stress Options to Use When Things Get Ugly

4:15-4:30Workshop Wrap-Up

Icebreaker: Scrap It!

(8:30-8:45)Activity

At each table, stack plenty of scrap paper and provide a small basket. Once everyone is seated, explain that were going to be dealing with a lot of information today, and we need to have fresh minds.

Ask everyone to write down at least one thing on their mind; they should take a new piece of paper for each topic. No one is going to see these, so they can be as open as they like. After writing each item, they should ball the piece of paper up and throw it in the basket. (You can provide prizes, such as small candies, for those who get their paper in the basket.)

Once all the negative thoughts are gone, ask everyone to write down at least one thing they would like to get from this workshop and tape it to the flip chart.

Debrief

Now, bring the group back together and combine all the objectives gathered onto a flip chart. What seems to be the conclusion?Session One: Course Overview

(8:45-9:00)

Setting the Stage

Introductions

Introduce yourself. Establish credibility by giving examples of training experience, and your own experiences with todays topic, including some war stories if you have them.Give the participants a chance to introduce themselves to you. You will probably want to know their name, their department, their position title, and what their interest is in todays topic.

Ground RulesAsk participants for some ground rules that should be followed during the course. Record ideas on flip chart paper. After the activity, create a final version and post them where everyone can see.

Some common ground rules include:

What we say in this room will stay in this room. We can disagree with one another and provide feedback as long as we do so constructively and respectfully.

We will all put on our listening hats when someone else is speaking.

Everyone will participate to the extent that he or she feels comfortable. You get out of a workshop what you put into it. We agree that this is the place to make mistakes and to learn.

We agree to each be responsible for our own behavior.Housekeeping Items

Let participants know: When the workshop will end

When breaks and lunch will be

Where they can find break and restroom facilities

Where fire exits are and what will happen if there is an emergency

What the buildings smoking policy is

How you would like cell phones to be handled, although this should be agreed upon by all participants

What the classroom food and drink policy isAgenda Review

Present the agenda as a handout, PowerPoint slide, or on flip chart. Review the topics and the timeline.

Here is how our in-house trainer handles some common concerns.

This looks like a lot of information. Will we be able to cover it all? Reassure participants that todays timeline is indeed feasible. If issues arise, promise that you will involve participants in solving the problem, rather than cutting out topics or breaks autocratically.

Wed rather spend more time on x rather than y. Is that possible?

If it is at all possible, accept suggestions like these. For example, you may be able to move an activity (particularly discussion activities) from one topic to another. Make a few minutes before the session to prepare. I was expecting to discuss _______. Is it included in todays course?If it is included, reassure participants and let them know when it will be covered. If its not included, suggest resources or provide additional information. If you dont have the answers, promise participants that you will track the information down and get it to them as soon as possible. (Give a timeline if you can.)

I didnt realize that this course covered_______. Why is it included in todays course?

This can be a tough one! Usually, I briefly explain the connection and let participants know more information will be provided when the topic is covered.

Course Overview

Ask students to turn to Session One in their workbooks. Read the introduction below.

Learning ObjectivesAt the end of this workshop, you will be able to:

Recognize how your own attitudes and actions affect others. Find new and effective techniques for dealing with difficult people.

Learn some techniques for managing and dealing with anger. Develop coping strategies for dealing with difficult people and difficult situations.Give participants a moment to write down their own learning objectives in their workbook.Action Plans and Evaluations

Next, pass out evaluations and action plans. (Both of these items are in the Handouts folder and the Student Manual.) Ask participants to work on these throughout the day. They will also have a few minutes at the end of the workshop to finalize their ideas.Session Two: Conflict as Communication(9:00-9:30)

Defining Conflict

(15 minutes)

Understanding Conflict

Conflict is a very normal part of healthy relationships. Its not possible for everyone to agree about everything all the time, and to do so can squash creativity and innovation. What is important, then, is to learn how to manage disagreements so that they do not harm relationships. By learning skills to manage conflict, you can approach disagreements with confidence that keeps your personal and professional relationships strong.

Another way to look at dealing with difficult people is to realize that we need to have conversations about accountability. If you consider that holding people accountable (i.e., they are taking responsibility for their actions and results) is a part of your role as a supervisor or at home as a spouse or parent, then these conversations are a part of life. Holding people accountable may or may not become a confrontation, but it is necessary nonetheless. If we avoid these sometimes difficult conversations because we do not like them, consider for a moment whether or not you are valuing that person as a contributor at work or home. If you value them, you are more likely to have these conversations because of your respect for the other individual. We also have to have these conversations with people we do not like for the same reasons.

When you are dealing with difficult people whom you also do not like (we all have people who can rub us the wrong way!), we have an important tip for you before you enter that important conversation. Find something that you like about that person, and you will be able to frame the conversation positively. It doesnt matter what the positive attribute is: they offer good insight in meetings, they are always on time, they meet deadlines, they bring great lunches just find SOMETHING that you can connect to positively. We guarantee that your conversation will be less likely to get off track and become difficult.

Do We Have To Fight?

People want to be understood and supported. Some of them also want to be nurtured as they progress through life and along their career path. Conflict arises from the differences between people; it flares up when people disagree over something related to their values, motivation, and perception of things or their ideas. From the outside, these differences can look insignificant, but from the inside (or the perspective of the people involved in the conflict) the issues that are at the core of the problem can trigger strong emotions and are very significant. If you consider the conflicting need for safety versus the desire to challenge and take risks (a frequent conflict between young children and their parents), the conflict becomes readily apparent. The child wants to explore and so the need to move as quickly as possible on stairs becomes their focus. The parent is responsible for the childs safety, so they limit the childs access to the staircase. This limited access becomes the conflict, as the child wants to explore, and the parent wants to avoid bruises and broken bones.

Whether at home or in the workplace, we have to consider that both parties needs play an important role in the success of the relationship. Each side deserves respect and consideration. A lack of understanding can contribute to arguments, low productivity, and continued disputes. This in turn can lead to the total breakdown of important relationships. When you acknowledge the legitimacy of conflict and are willing to examine issues in a cooperative environment, you can open the door to creative problem solving, more cohesive teams, and improved relationships. Developing a method to cope and work through conflict empowers people to take control of the outcomes and to contribute strongly to effective teams.

What is A Conflict?

A conflict is more than just a disagreement. A conflict comes with a threat, and whether the threat is real or not, it must be dealt with in order for the threatened party to be able to move beyond the situation.

Conflicts become more serious when they are ignored. Since conflicts involve a perceived threat to our own well-being, they stay with us and they stay with us and often become greater in magnitude until we resolve them. Perception colors our reactions and triggers emotions. This makes it difficult for us to remain objective, even when we look at the facts. Our perception is influenced by our life experiences, values, and beliefs. Conflicts trigger our emotional hot buttons. We arent always at our best when working through conflict because our emotions can interfere with our ability to remain objective and manage things rationally. Learning how to manage conflict during emotionally stable periods helps us to manage conflict more effectively. Conflict brings growth. Although we arent often able to acknowledge it in the heat of things, when we resolve conflict in our relationships, we are also building trust. In relationships with high levels of trust, we feel more secure, knowing that our relationship will survive, and ultimately get even stronger.

How About Avoidance? You may think that avoidance is a great way to handle conflict, and we would agree that it is one way to deal with difficult situations. At the same time, consider what happens if you create a policy or procedure at work that no one follows, and you dont want to get into a conflict, so you avoid dealing with it.

On the other hand, you may be in a situation where you feel threatened or somehow unsafe, or you decide that the relationship is not one that you want to foster, and then walk away. You can reschedule the conversation when everyones temper has been restored, or you can choose to get some help (i.e. through mediation, your manager, or an HR specialist) with the situation.

Self-Assessment

(15 minutes)

This assessment will help you to determine your preferences for involvement in dealing with difficult people, and taking on those challenging conversations. Answer each question with yes or no. Scoring directions follow the assessment.QuestionnaireYesNo

1. Instead of getting into an argument, I put off certain discussions.

2. When someone doesnt deliver on a promise, I judge them more quickly than I should.

3. Sometimes I bring up difficult subjects in a way that makes people defensive.

4. Lets be honest: there are people I deal with who simply cannot be motivated.

5. When someone is struggling, I tend to offer advice, even though they may just want to have someone listen to their ideas.

6. When discussing problems, I sometimes get sidetracked and miss the actual problem.

7. There are some people I simply cannot work with.

8. Sometimes its not them being difficult, its me.

9. I prefer to just jump in and have the conversation, rather than spending a lot of time planning for it.

10. I know that I have to have these conversations, but I do not have to like them.

Scoring

Add up the number of times you answered yes and have a look at the explanations below.

7-10: This course is perfect for you. Dont let your attention wander!

4-6: Youre in the right place for help, and youre going to learn some things.

1-3: Youre managing well and likely successful in dealing with difficult people.

0: You ought to be teaching this course! Hopefully youll find a few helpful gems to enrich your relationship building.

Session Three: Benefits of Confrontation (9:30-9:45)

To Talk or Not to TalkIn deciding whether you want to proceed with a difficult conversation, there are some things to consider. If this relationship is important to you, then it makes sense that the conversation takes place. But not every conversation is necessary. Is it worth tracking someone down and having a confrontation when they cut you off in traffic? The person who interrupts you in a meeting but has never done so before, and probably never would again?

Determining Your Involvement

In order to decide whether you need to deal with a difficult person or not, ask yourself the following questions:

Is this person important to me?

Is this relationship important to me?

Has this happened before?

Does this bother me or other people?

Can I invest my time?

If you answer no to any of the five questions, we recommend that you remove yourself from the situation, either temporarily or permanently.

Reciprocal RelationshipsInterpersonal relationships have a reciprocal nature. When we invite colleagues to meetings or remember their birthdays, they tend to do the same for us. When we invite a colleague to a function, they tend to invite us in return. The way that our relationships unfold reflects this reciprocal nature. If we engage in small talk, others do the same. If we are not fond of small talk and do not enter into it willingly, people will stop trying to engage us that way.

Considering this same principle, if we continually try to engage people in negative ways, we can predict the results. Think of yourself in terms of some of your work relationships. Do people come to you on their own? Do you make them feel welcome to speak with you?

Session Four: Preventing Problems (9:45-10:45)Overview (15 minutes)

The Importance of EmpathyWe can do a lot to keep problems from happening in the first place. If you develop your empathizing skills, you can put yourself in the other persons shoes even though you do not have to agree with them. If you are practicing being empathetic (and we recommend that you do) you should avoid phrases like, I agree or, Yes, thats true. Dont reinforce a concern, either. You can simply express your empathy by rephrasing the key topic of the persons statement.

Some phrases you might use include:

"I hear "I understand"

"I think you're saying"

The concept of rephrasing before answering gives you:

A chance to empathize with the concerns

An opportunity to show the person that you understand the concern

A moment to think of an appropriate response

Its also important to check to be sure the individual is satisfied with your level of understanding or your explanation. Your ability to empathize will play an important role in your overall communication skills and your ability to foster a positive and productive environment.

Dangerous Misconceptions Although we believe that we are being clear when we speak, were not always being as efficient as we think. Here are some important misconceptions for you to keep in mind when you are having a conversation: People always pay attention when you are speaking to them.

When people say they are paying attention, they really are.

When someone says "I know", they really do. Saying something over and over will ensure that your listener understands.

Saying something over and over, slowly or loudly, will be even more effective.

Group Discussion (15 minutes)

Break (15 minutes)Debrief (15 minutes)Bring participants back together and have them share their ideas. We have included some talking points on the next page.

Session Five: Getting Focused

(10:45-11:15)

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

(15 minutes)

Despite our best efforts and our good use of management techniques, our attempts can seem to be for nothing. Behaviors we thought we had influenced positively (or corrected altogether) can regress.

For example, you might have spoken with an employee about some below-par behavior: perhaps they are always late for work, despite the fact that they are supposed to be answering phones and greeting visitors promptly at 9:00 a.m. Youve spoken with the employee, and although this will lead to improved behavior for a few days, he always slips back to being late. Youve asked your human resources consultant to suspend the employee, and they have indicated that punishment is too harsh, despite your record keeping that shows how often and how bad this behavior is.

Youve been braver than plenty of workplace leaders because you have discussed the problem with the employee and with HR. But somehow, the behavior continues, and you get a sense that you are not doing enough.

Whats Missing?

You arent getting to the heart of the problem. Its not enough to tell the individual that they are breaking the rules, or that a colleague has to cover their tasks when they are late. If it were enough, the behavior would stop.

Ask yourself what is really bothering you to get at what is really bothering them. Often the behavior touches a nerve that is much more personal. For example, if I hired the receptionist because he was the son of a friend, and I felt that he was taking advantage of my relationship with him and his parents by not caring about the schedule, thats at a much deeper level than just the rules that are being broken.

If the person is perpetually late because they do not set their alarm (and get up to it) because they really do not care about their job, or they feel underutilized, or they are being bullied by a co-worker and cannot drag themselves into the office, then we are getting at the root of the real problem.

If, as leaders, we are content to only deal with the surface issues, and we are afraid to dig and get at the deeper issues, we will not create a better workplace. We simply scrape the moss off of the surface, only to have it to grow back later.

The ability to peel an infraction back to its core takes patience and precision. Sometimes we dont do this because it can take time to uncover the real problem. We can often find ourselves in too much of a hurry to do this properly. At other times, our emotions get involved and we make the decision that we really dont want to go there, because well also have to deal with what is bothering us.

If you dont stop to think about the big picture, youll end up either missing the problem, or going after too many problems at once. To stop yourself from being over-involved, you must be able to state the problem in a single sentence. If you make it longer, your conversation will lose focus as soon as it starts.

The Three Fs(15 minutes)

To get to the heart of the problem, evaluate the 3 Fs: facts, frequency, and frustrated relationship.Facts

What are the facts of the issue? Create a list so that you do not get sidetracked while you plan your conversation. Dont drag in other stories or unrelated issues that have happened previously. If you are talking to someone about tardiness, then stick to that and leave things like poor report writing, gossiping, or not taking care of equipment out of the conversation.

Frequency

Make sure you have a very clear history of the frequency of the issue. In this case, how often is the individual late? How late are they?

Describe the pattern like this: This is the second time that Ive called this to your attention. You agreed it would not happen again. Now I am concerned that I cannot trust you to keep a promise. Revealing that you notice a pattern brings the history to the forefront. The history is important because repeated frequency erodes your trust. Frustrated RelationshipIf your real concern is about the relationship, but you only focus on the pattern, then you are not likely to get the change that you are aiming for. You have to discuss what is important to you in terms of the relationship. Explain that when they repeatedly ignore your expectations to be on time, they arent just demonstrating a lack of commitment to the job. They are eroding your trust in them, your trust in their ability to do their job, and the possibility of being trusted with assignments in the future.

Comments like the following can be helpful:

I feel like I cannot trust you to get the work done. I feel like I am constantly nagging you and I dont like to do that. I feel like I cant trust you to keep the commitments you make.Session Six: Managing Anger (11:15-11:45)

Coping Strategies(15 minutes)

Too many people are angry. Workplace violence is an extreme example, but there are examples everywhere. Even without violence, every day we hear of managers and co-workers who are mad at each other, their co-workers, their employees, their bosses, their customers, the company, and the world itself. Anger interferes with teamwork and productivity. It also contributes to an environment that is negative, hostile, and frightening. Companies face legal pressures to prevent this type of environment. From employees points of view, anger takes the fun out of work. Because anger is a natural emotion, it would be unrealistic to ask people not to feel it. Instead, the goal is to help (and sometimes, require) that people deal with their anger appropriately.

Problems dont come from anger. Problems come from the negative ways people express anger.

Dealing with Other Peoples Anger As you prepare for conversations, and if you find yourself in an angry encounter, use these tips to help you. Use positive self talk.

Check your body language.

Acknowledge the other persons feelings.

Share your own feelings and fears (carefully, of course).

Show that you are listening.

Make a conciliatory gesture.

Express your own needs and wants calmly and persistently (like a broken record). When trying to work with hostile colleagues, keep in mind that their self-esteem may be in the dumps. Sincerely compliment them whenever possible. Avoid arguing with them, even though thats often what they want. Sometimes the challenge is preventing an exchange from escalating into anger.

Guidelines for Assertive Anger (15 minutes)

We know that you wont have this list handy during an encounter, so we encourage you to read through this information several times to lock it into your memory. Talk about the tips provided here to others, modify them to work for you and to match your natural style of speaking with people, and speak with your colleagues about them so that you can remember and apply them when needed. Start Positively

For example: I want to let you know how I am feeling because I believe that it will clear the air between us.

You could share an appreciation, but make sure it is sincere. Over the past year, I have really enjoyed working with you. However, Ive noticed that lately

Be Direct

Use the first person point of view and say, Im feeling irritated/annoyed/angry.

Dont distance yourself from your feelings with impersonal, third-person statements and generalizations such as, When people or, It can be annoying when... Use I messages instead. Specify the Degree of Anger

This can vary from, Ive been getting slightly irritated, to, My fury is reaching the boiling point.

Giving this information often helps the other person listen more carefully.

If you just say, I am angry with you, you may unnecessarily freeze the other person with fright or prompt them into aggressive defensive behavior.

Dont Accuse Others of Making You Angry

Remember that your irritation might be my pleasure!

No one has the power to make us feel anything. So instead of saying, You make me feel angry, say, I get angry when youShare Your Feelings of Threat and Fear

For example: Im frightened of saying this to you because you may think I am being very petty or you may reject me/fire me/ hit me, but

This will help you to feel more in control of your feelings and may get you some welcome and helpful reassurance. (For example, they may respond with, No, I promise that I will try and listen to what you have to say without walking away or punishing you.)

Acknowledge Your Responsibility

Tell the other person what part you see yourself playing in the situation.

Examples:

I appreciate that I should have said something earlier. I am the kind of person who has very high standards. I may be overreacting because I am managing a lot of deadlines right now.

Avoid Self-Put Downs or Invitations to Criticism or Retaliatory Anger

Dont say things like:

I know that Im a bit of a nag

Im over-sensitive.

Im too soft. Youll probably scream at me/want to kill me when I tell you

You could be putting unhelpful and inflammatory ideas into otherwise quite amenable heads!

Self-Protective Techniques to Block Criticism

Criticism is one of the chief weapons of an angry person. Often it is used indiscriminately and is well off target. However, you can learn to cope with this behavior. In order to protect yourself, stop the flow, and keep criticism from escalating, use these techniques.

The broken record: You keep repeating more or less the same statement over and over again, in a calm, controlled voice.

Fogging: Agree that there may be some truth in what the person is saying.

Negative assertion: Simply, calmly agree with your critic using a serious, matter of fact tone of voice, without adding any put downs or unnecessary justifications.

Morning Wrap-Up

(11:45-12:00)Use the last fifteen minutes to answer remaining questions. Key points of the morning included:

Defining conflict

Benefits of walking away versus dealing with the confrontation Managing anger How to prevent problems

How to approach a conflict in a focused, calm mannerLunch (12:00-1:00)

Energizer: Tri-Dents

(1:00-1:15)Working in small groups of four or five, participants will create three-word sentences that capture what they have learned this morning or what new perspectives (angles) they have acquired since the session began and what new dents have been made on their gray matter. No special equipment is needed other than paper and pencils. If flip charts are available, groups can use them to record their favorite try-angles. Session Seven: Dealing with Problems (1:15-2:00)

Dealing with Problems (15 minutes)Sometimes we are so busy with other things that we dont see (or dont want to see) a problem that is growing. When it explodes, it can catch us broadside. Has that ever happened to you? What do you do?Lets take a look at some suggestions and see if we can make sense of them.

Assess the situation

Meet the difficult behavior head-on

Stay calm and objective

Be up-front

Make it a two-way conversation

Put yourself in their place

Be flexible

Be tolerant

Debrief (15 minutes)

Bring the group back together and see what everyone came up with. We have included some talking points below.

Causes of Difficult Behavior (15 minutes)There are no simple answers about the causes of difficult behavior, because we human beings can be very complicated. We do know that some causes include fear (of failure, humiliation, losing power, and/or rejection) and poor self-esteem. If you add people who are working with drug or addiction issues, illness (theirs or someone elses), as well as some people having limited coping skills, we start to get a good idea of what can provoke difficult behavior. Sometimes, of course, youll run into a combination of factors.

Session Eight: The Three-Step Conflict Resolution Model(2:00-2:30)

The Three-Step Model

(15 minutes)There are lots of models that can help us deal with difficult people and the conversations that come with them. They range from about three to eight steps, and our in-house trainer has scrutinized the best of them for you. Weve found that you can be successful with any of the models provided that you apply all of the steps consistently. Leaving out steps can cause the conversations or the action plan to go off track.

Step 1: ResearchWe have covered the elements for Step One in Session Five. Step 2: PresentationThis is where you will invite your difficult person into a conversation. In doing so, it is important to create a safe zone for the conversation to take place. A safe zone is a place where other people cannot eavesdrop on your conversation. (Tip: Use a meeting room if you do not have an office.) It is also a zone where you, as host, need to feel safe. If history says that this individual is unpredictable, you may want to have an HR consultant or union representative present. It is important that any guests to the meeting are there to simply observe and take notes, and that the conversation is between only you and your difficult person if possible. The safe zone is also about trust and respect. If there is no mutual respect between you and your difficult person, you may have to take time to establish a few rules at the beginning of the meeting. For example, We will control our tempers and language during the conversation, means that you start with an agreement to treat each other respectfully. Next, you describe the behavior gap using the facts, frequency, and frustrated relationship language that you learned in Step 1.Finally, you must make it easy. This may seem like a Zen statement and also bother some of you, but it is also the sign of a very competent leader. Make the conversation easy on them and make it easy for them to comply with your requests. If there are barriers to the difficult person improving, your job is to remove those barriers. If they are having trouble getting motivated, your job is to help them find the motivation within and work with it. There is nothing helpful or noble if you make things harder for people, so take this step seriously. (Youll see that it works great with teenagers, too, if you happen to have any!) Explore the barriers together. Ask the individual what they think they can do and what is possible. Dont follow your natural tendency to tell them what to do or to give tasks they dont want to someone else. The work still has to be done. Your role is to enable them to do it, and do it to the best of their ability.

Step 3: Take Action In order to make sure the gap raised in your conversation gets dealt with, you will need to create an action plan. These action plans are no good without the difficult persons agreement to deliver. Youll also need to set up a follow up timetable (daily, weekly, or monthly check-ins) to make sure they have what they need and can deliver. If the action plan is not followed to the letter, then youll know that it is time to take things to the next level. This might mean that you must start career-altering conversations with your difficult person. Those second-level conversations are rarely needed when you determine that your action plan is appropriate and that you and the difficult person had the tools to succeed.

Getting the Hang of Things

(15 minutes)

Break

(2:30-2:45)Session Nine: Practice Makes Pretty Good(2:45-3:15)Planning

(15 minutes)

Practice

(15 minutes)

Session Ten: Changing Yourself(3:15-3:45)

Negative vs. Positive Interactions (15 minutes)Deep down, we already know that we cannot change other people. Fortunately, we do have control over our own thoughts, and we can change our reactions to other people to help improve those relationships. We also have the ability to influence other peoples behavior by reinforcing the behaviors we want repeated, and ignoring the ones that we dont want repeated. Negative Interaction

Do you ever experience negative interactions and wish that you were somewhere else?

Manager: Why can you never do the invoices the way I want them done?

Bookkeeper: Because you keep changing your mind about how you want them done.

Manager: No, its because you dont listen to me.

Positive InteractionTake the reins and change the cycle! Manager: Can you tell me why these invoices arent showing a due date on them?

Bookkeeper: Because you keep changing your mind about how you want them done, and I wasnt sure what you wanted.

Manager (Option One): I hadnt realized Id been sending you mixed messages. What are the contradictory instructions Ive given you?

Manager (Option Two): When that happens, Id like you to feel free to ask me and to get some clarification. Then youll know what to do, and I will be happy with the invoices.

You are the one in the best position to change a negative cycle to a positive one, and youll find it an easier task when you start with a plan. Our spur of the moment reactions often dont work out that well. You can use the three-step process as a guide any time you have a tough meeting coming up with an employee or with a client.

Weve also got to be realistic. There is an old expression that says the best laid plans of mice and men (and managers) do not all turn out as well as wed like.

Dealing with Negative Feelings (15 minutes)Put yourself in charge of you.

Take a leaf out of Eleanor Roosevelts book and refuse to beat up on yourself or make yourself a victim in these situations.

Be proactive rather than reactive: notice what is going on around you, and when possible deal with potential problems right away. (For example, you can plan team meetings to ensure issues are addressed before they explode.)

Monitor your self-talk.

Become more aware of what you tell yourself both before and after dealing with a difficult situation. Remember the reality of how what we tell ourselves comes true, whether those messages are positive or negative.

Be in control.Plan how you will handle the situation and visualize yourself feeling in control. After a situation has been handled, analyze it, learn from it, and then put it aside.

If you still feel angry after you have dealt with a situation, use that anger constructively to clean your office, or let it propel you out the door for a walk.

Work on your sense of humor.

Research tells us that laughter is a proven method for dispelling stress and feeling better about the world. If things are getting heavy for you right now and you cant find much to laugh about, try renting a comedy or watching your favorite comedian. Have a support team.

One of the most important things that you can do to deal with your negative feelings is to have a support group people you can go to and just talk about how you feel. In your organization, do you feel you have that kind of support? Do all staff have that kind of support? (This is very different from gossiping; confidentiality is a big factor here.)

However great your support system is at home, others will rarely be able to understand just how you feel as well as someone who is working within the same culture and walking in a similar pair of shoes. Part of your action plan for the end of today may be to work with others to create a safe haven (a partner or confidante or some other support mechanism) where you can let off steam and pent up emotion.

Session Eleven: Why Dont People Do What They Are Supposed To? (3:45-4:00)

How many times have you thought or said, Why cant you just do what youre supposed to? Heres a list of possible answers to your question: They didnt know why they should do it

They didnt know when to begin and end it.

They didnt know what they were supposed to do.

They didnt know how to do it.

They thought they were doing it.

They thought your way wouldnt work or that their way was best.

They thought something else was more important.

They arent rewarded for doing it, or they arent punished for not doing it.

They are rewarded for not doing it, or they are punished for doing it.

They didnt think they could do it.

While this list was originally compiled by a survey conducted with 4,000 employees and managers with various occupations in a wide variety of industries, the results are borne out repeatedly through repeated surveys and employee engagement data. (Source: Ferdinand F. Fournies, Why Employees Dont Do What Theyre Supposed to Do and What to Do About It)

Remember that everyone is motivated, but that each of us are motivated by things that have value to us personally. This means some of the people your work with may be motivated by the same things that you are, but other people wont be. Session Twelve: De-Stress Options to Use When Things Get Ugly (4:00-4:15)

Belly Breathing

Loosen your clothes, close your eyes, mentally relax your body, and take ten or more deep breaths. Each time you exhale, count silently: one, after the first breath, two, after the second breath, etc., up to at least ten. If you lose count, or find yourself working on thoughts as they pass through your mind, start your count over again. When you are finished, you should feel more calm and relaxed. (Your blood pressure will go down temporarily, too.)

Visualize

Use positive imagery to boost your confidence. Couple this with positive language for even better results. Use positive imagery and self-talk to see yourself performing well at whatever challenge you are having. Negative words and images can become self-fulfilling prophecies.Music

Music has the power to soothe or to give us energy. It also has healing power. Find a type of music that relaxes you, and play it when you need to calm down. When you feel tired and listless, play some rousing music (rather than drinking caffeine), to give you a pick up.

Acupressure and Massage

Holding a fingertip to the point of most pain or tension and pressing very hard into the offending muscle for up to a minute can avert a headache or relieve tension. Have a friend or spouse learn how to do massage therapy and/or acupressure on tense muscles, since daily treatment is better than once or twice a month.If no one at home is available to help, have a look at your benefits plan. Many plans include this type of treatment because they realize the long term benefits that are gained in terms of wellness. Laughter

Laugher is the best medicine of all. A good belly laugh can lower blood pressure, slow your adrenaline, and reverse the stomach acid that comes with negative responses. Be on the lookout for jokes and cartoons you can share with family and friends. During a meeting with your difficult person, you may find that humor helps to defuse the situation; laugh at yourself (not the other person, which is insulting). General Coping Thoughts When Things Get Messy Take a deep breath and relax.

Tell yourself that getting upset wont help. Tell yourself repeatedly if it doesnt work the first time. The broken record technique works on you, too. Remind yourself that just as long as you keep your cool, youre in control.

Im not going to let their get to me.

I cant change them with anger; Ill just upset myself.

I can find a way to say what I want to without anger.

Stay calm no sarcasm, no attacks, no judgments.

I can stay calm and relaxed.

No one is right, no one is wrong. We just have different needs.

No matter what is said, I know Im a good person.

Ill stay rational; anger wont solve anything.

Let them look all foolish and upset. I can stay cool and calm.

Their opinion isnt important. I wont be pushed into losing my cool.

Take a time-out. Cool off, then come back and deal with it.

Some situations dont have good solutions. Looks like this is one of them. No use getting all bent out of shape about it.

Its just a hassle. Nothing more, nothing less. I can cope with hassles.

Im getting better at this anger management stuff.

I got angry, but kept the lid on saying things Id regret. Thats progress.

If they want me to get angry, Im going to disappoint them.

I cant expect people to act the way I want them to.

I dont have to take this so seriously.

Workshop Wrap-Up (4:15-4:30)

Take the last fifteen minutes for a quick review and to answer any questions the class may have.In closing:

Dealing with difficult people can seem very daunting, but hopefully the model that we have learned today, combined with some very clear actions that you can take, will help those times to be less difficult. Using these techniques and getting comfortable with them will mean that you are developing stronger communication skills, that your own expectations are clearly stated, and that you will have less of these difficult conversations in your future. This is also a good time to help participants wrap up their action plans, collect evaluations, and to pass out certificates.

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Conflict Resolution:

Dealing With Difficult People

Conflict Resolution

Instructor Guide

Dealing with Difficult People

Career Development Training

( Workbook Material

We can get into a routine where it feels like everyone we speak with is either having a bad day, or we are having a bad day ourselves. We feel like we constantly meet people who seem to be inconsiderate, stubborn, incorrigible, indecent, miserable, or passive-aggressive. Sometimes we can be equally awkward ourselves. While it might seem that the easiest remedy is to lock yourself up at home and avoid people, we eventually have to pick up the phone or step outside and interact with someone.

Success comes from understanding how we behave, as well as how we can influence others. If difficult interactions are necessary, and we approach those conversations with a plan, we will find that we have less difficult people to deal with. More often than not, we will also have more meaningful and significant conversations. In this workshop, you will learn how to turn difficult situations into opportunities for growth.

( Handy Quotes

Woody Allen, celebrated American entertainer

One of my problems is that I internalize everything. I cant express anger. I grow a tumor instead.

( Discussion Points

If avoidance was the case in all workplaces, what would happen with important safety policies? Drug enforcement policies? Sexual harassment policies?

If no one enforces these policies, despite how difficult it may be and despite how threatened you may feel when you stick your neck out to enforce them, things would not improve or be safe in the workplace. Someone has to enforce these policies.

( Activity Ideas

Ask participants to complete the self-assessment, and then discuss afterward to see if they have any questions.

Note there is sometimes feedback on Question 4. The truth is that everyone is motivated, but we can be working with people who are not motivated to do what we want them to do in the workplace.

( Extra Information

Somebody has to initiate the move to a more positive or constructive cycle. As the manager/supervisor, you will be the most likely choice in many situations. Remember, people you encounter may have a low self-image. This might mean they are uncomfortable with someone who they perceive as having more power. That can contribute to feelings of mistrust, or make people behave in what we perceive as a difficult manner. They may view decision-making as a personal threat, and prefer to be led rather than make a decision.

( Discussion Points

( Workbook and Slide Material

Ask participants to think of their difficult person who they identified in their pre-assignment. Discuss these questions:

How do they approach you?

How do you approach them?

In terms of a reciprocal relationship, what kind of expectations do they have in interactions with you?

What could you do to improve that relationship?

Another point to ponder: How do you think we can achieve better results or performance from our employees, clients or colleagues?

Some ideas:

Expect more and you get more, especially if you are clear about what your expectations are at the outset.

Offer sincere praise and/or thanks for things that people do well.

Be aware of and act on destructive cycles in your conversations with clients. Be accountable for making a break from that cycle.

( Activity Ideas

Divide the class up into small groups. Ask them to brainstorm additional methods of preventing problems that they have found successful.

( Discussion Points

( Slide Material

Look at non-verbal communication.

Refusing eye contact, red face, clenched hands, and arms crossed can all indicate negative feelings.

Reading between the lines.

This is more difficult. We have to listen to what the person isnt saying as well as what they are saying. Do they sound angry, defensive, or put upon? Are they refusing to give an opinion or take action to correct things? Do you sense a reluctance to do something or confusion over what the person is to do?

Probing

Probing is a helpful form of open questioning that can lead you to a deeper level of understanding within your conversations. One of the most common ways of probing is to ask an open question, such as:

Can you describe that with more details for me?

Would you give me a specific example of what you mean?

What do you think we should do?

The difficulty here is that if you ask too many probing questions, the other person begins to feel like they are being interrogated. Be careful with what you ask and how you ask it.

A second, very effective way of probing is to simply pause. Stop talking. People often do not like silences and will invariably speak up to fill the silence.

A third way is to ask a reflective question. For example, the person has just said, What I really want is more variety in my work, and you may respond by just reflecting back to them, Variety? The reflective question usually provides you with an expanded answer without you appearing to ask more questions. Of course, it is best used in conjunction with a pause.

A fourth method that is particularly useful to make certain you are clear about what the individual has said is paraphrasing what has just been said, in your own words. Example: So if I understand you correctly, you

The last method, most often used as a conversation is winding down, is the summary question. Example: You have tried ignoring the scent of your colleagues cologne, you have talked with him about how it affects your allergies, and you have tried shutting your door to keep the scent from your workspace. None of these has worked and now you are asking me to intervene. Have I got it right?

All of these methods can help make the other person feel better understood and prevent conflict from occurring.

( Activity Ideas

( Slide and Workbook Material

Ask the group: How can we manage our own anger?

Some possible answers may include:

Express feelings appropriately and skillfully

Release your physical tension

Analyze whats going on

Address your fears

Put yourself in charge of you

Use your emotions effectively

Approach the situation logically

And remember:

Dont accuse others of making you angry

Dont preach at others when you are angry

Dont bring up past grievances when you are trying to fight fair

( Activity Ideas

Divide the class up into eight groups. Assign each a suggestion. Ask them to define what we mean and why the suggestion is important. Theyll need to work quickly, so keep them focused!

( Discussion Points

Assess the situation.

Think before you act. Get all the facts and start with a plan, even if it is sketchy.

Meet the difficult behavior head-on.

Dont bury your head in the sand. This has happened and you must deal with it.

Stay calm and objective.

Getting emotional will only make matters worse and you may say things youll regret. Watch for words like but, never, always, and should. There is no point in waving a red flag in anyones face. Those kinds of words can inflame the situation rather than contribute to problem solving.

Be upfront with the individual.

The longer you wait, the more difficult things become. Say what needs to be said.

Make this a two-way conversation.

Make sure that the other individual gets a chance to have their say as well. Give them that chance earlier rather than later. Then you may have more facts. They may even say some of the things you wanted to say, but felt uncomfortable saying.

Try to put yourself in their place and look at the situation from their point of view.

You need to put yourself in their shoes to see how they are looking at the problem and to have any chance of understanding it, let alone resolving it.

Flexibility.

This is a useful tool, so use it! Treat this as a learning experience and accept that this conflict may change the way you see or do things. Thats okay.

Be tolerant

What a dull world it would be if we were all the same! It may not be your way, but that doesnt make it a wrong way.

( Discussion Points

Ask participants: Can you think of any other causes of difficult behavior?

Some things that drive one person crazy may not bother another person at all. From this, we may be able to draw another conclusion: that each of us is quite likely a difficult person for others at times.

What are the characteristics of others that make them difficult for us to deal with? Put the list on the flip chart as participants suggest them. Some ideas:

They are negative

They whine

They say hurtful things

What are the weapons they use against us? Anger? Tears? Silence? Others? Put this list on flip chart also.

The old 80/20 rule (Paretos Rule) says that 80% of our problems will come from 20% of our employees or our clients. Would you agree with this, disagree, or have something to share? Record these ideas on the flip chart.

Encourage participants to reflect on these lists and think about how this information can help them deal with difficult situations.

( Slide and Workbook Material

The questions asked are included on the slides and in the workbook.

( Discussion Points

( Activity Ideas

Allow participants about five minutes to read through the model information in their workbooks. Ask if there are any questions before you move on and they get some practice.

After they have had five minutes or so to review, ask participants to pull out their pre-assignment and consider their difficult person. Have them start to put together a plan that will allow them to have this conversation. Give them ten minutes to prepare. Circulate to offer feedback as they complete the exercise.

( Workbook Material

There is space in the workbook for participants to record their ideas.

( Activity Ideas

( Slide Material

Have students work with their pre-assignment and map out the circumstances using the three-step model. If they do not have an actual example, encourage them to select someone they dont actually have to deal with, an example at home, or create something entirely fictional. Its the process that is important here, and we want them to experience it.

( Workbook Material

There is space in the workbook for participants to record their ideas.

( Activity Ideas

Have participants find a partner (someone they have not worked with yet) and present their plan on how they will deal with a specific, difficult person. Do not let them speak in general or third party terms: they need to be applying the steps to a very specific example, and only make up the research facts that they may not know at this time.

They can each role play their example for their partner. Each person should offer feedback on statements they make, how they handle describing the behavior gap, etc.

If time allows and there is a pair working very well, have them demonstrate their role play to the class.

( Workbook Material

There is space in the workbook for participants to record feedback given and received.

( Handy Quotes

Unknown

If it is to be, its up to me.

( Discussion Points

When should you call for a time out? Answers might include when you are getting emotional, when you have been asked a tough question for which you arent prepared, or when the other person is emotional or unprepared.

When should you walk away from a conversation, or when should you decide enough is enough when you are considering employee performance?

Does this organization need a policy for dealing with those difficult people who heap verbal abuse on people, or do you have one already? If you have one already, is it used properly?

( Slide and Workbook Material

The questions asked are included on the slides and in the workbook.

( Discussion Points

Ask the group if there are other points that they would add to this list. Some of the culprits that contribute to these results include companies that do not do regular performance reviews, and those that do not have job descriptions or expectations clearly shared with staff.

( Trainers Tip

If you havent provided students with the Student Manual, print out the Recommended Reading List and give it to participants as a bonus.