134164290 khushwant singhs joke book 5

8/12/2019 134164290 Khushwant Singhs Joke Book 5

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/134164290-khushwant-singhs-joke-book-5 1/13



JOKE BOOKS O

Delightful!Oeccan ChrOnlCItl

KHU'SHWANT SINGH'S

\,l' .,J Hlnaustan limes



Khushwant Singh, humourist, raconteur, editor, short-

story writer, novelist, commentator, has earned a new

accolade — "the master sinner o! o#es$" %e has &een

clu&&ed together with Bir&al, 'enali (aman and )oal

Bhore as one o! India*s all time great humourists$ %isa&ility to ma#e Indians laugh at themselves, and at their

own !oi&les, has earned him a readershi and !an

!ollowing that is unaralleled$

+s India*s &est #nown ournalist and syndicated

columnist, he is admired and lam&asted in eual

measure &ecause o! his o!ten irreverent and

controversial views$ %owever, even his staunchest

critics agree that he is eminently reada&le$

Born in ./, Khushwant Singh received his education

in 0ahore, 1elhi and 0ondon$ +!ter a &rie! law ractice

at 0ahore %igh Court and a stint with the 2inistry o!E3ternal +!!airs, he shot to literary !ame with his

award-winning novel Train to Pakistan and the two-

volumed History of the Sikhs. %e distinguished himsel!

as editor o! The Illustrated Weekly of India 4.5.-

.6.7, and The Hindustan Times 4.89-.8:7$

2aster cra!tsman o! his art, Khushwant Singh lives in

1elhi and continues to "hold a mirror to our !ace $$$

!ran#, &ut not venomous, !earless &ut not intimidating$**



B R I G H T

IDEAJust married, Su#hwant had &ad news !or her hus&andwhen he returned home !rom his day*s wor#$ *I !eel so

sorry,* Su#hwant said with a so&, *I was ressing your &estsuit and &urnt a hole in the seat o! the trousers$*

*1on*t worry, darling,* said the hus&and amorously, *Ihave another air o! trousers to match that suit$*

*?es, I #now,* Su#hwant relied$ *?ou*re luc#y thatyou have$ 'han#s to that, I was a&le to atch u the hole@*

Contributed by Shashank Shekhar, Ne "umbai

G R E E D

UNLIMITED

0ala )ari& Chand was a wealthy #amindar. %e as#ed hismaneem 4accountant7 to add u all he owned and howlong it could last$ 'he muneem added u all his assets andassured him that it would certainly hold out till thetraditional saat $usht — seven generations$ <ar !rom

&eing relieved 0ala )ari& Chand loo#ed moredisconsolate than &e!ore and with a great sigh o! sorrowe3claimed, Hai% Hamaaree aath&een $usht ka kya ho'a(4Oh@ Ahat will haen to our eighth generation7

Contributed by )*. "alhotra, Ne !elhi

RIDDLESanta and Banta met on a village road$ Santa was carryinga large gunny &ag over his shoulder$

+Oye, Santa,* hailed Banta, *what is in the &ag*+"ur'iyan — Chic#ens,* came the rely$*I! I guess how many, can I have one* as#ed Banta

*?ou can have &oth o! them$**OK,* said Banta, *!ive$*

Contributed by Jyotica Sikand, Ne !elhi

INDIA — THE NEMILLENNIUM

Cheer u my son, &uc# u my &oy,

?ou are living in *'he 0and o! Joy*$ ?ou go to

school where they do not teach,

In the %ouse o! )od, they hatred reach$ I! you

have merit, you will sigh and so&,

I! you are &ac#ward, you might get a o&$ Out o!

caste, i! you dare to wed,

?our #ith and #in will cho your head$ I! you arehonest, in north or in south,

?ou will live !rom hand to mouth$ I! you

are wily and your means sinister,

?ou are li#ely to &ecome a chie! minister$ But

remem&er the new ma3im, my lad,1e!ection is good, conversion is &ad$

Contributed by .C. -handari, "eerut



LIKE MOTHER,LIKE DAUGHTER

Ahile &eing interviewed an actress was as#ed whethershe intended to get married in the near !uture$

'he lady relied, *>ever, I will !ollow in the!ootstes o! my mother$ 0i#e her, I will remain single$*

Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al

LABOUR WOES

'he Indian and Cu&an la&ourministers were in the midst o! a meeting$

Cu&an la&our minister= *0a&our ro&lems in our nation

roduce hundreds o! tyes o! tensions !or me$*Indian la&our minister= *'hat*s nothing$ 0a&our ro&lems in our nation roduce /9,999 &a&ies every day$*

HAND BAGGAGE

iaagar &oarded a crowded &us with a &ag!ul o! urchases$ 'here was no vacant seat$ +s the old &usrattled and swayed, he suorted himsel! recariously,holding the &ag in one hand, the other hand holding the

&ar rovided near the ceiling$

*'ic#et $$$ tic#et $$$ tic#et,* the conductor made severalrounds ast aagar$ %is wallet in his hi oc#et and &othhands engaged, aagar didn*t #now what to do$

*'ic#et, Sardari,* the conductor as#ed again$ aagarthrust the &ag into the conductor*s hand and struggled tota#e the wallet out, when the conductor rotested= ' can*t

&e carrying assengers* &aggage li#e this — I*m theconductor, a!ter all@*

*O#ay, then give me the &ag, and here, will you leasehold the &ar,* relied aagar$

Contributed by S.. -aseer, Hyderabad

NEW INVENTIONDSanta said to Santa, ' have invented a new #ind o!

comuter which &ehaves li#e a human &eing$*

*In what way* as#ed Santa$

*Ahenever it ma#es a mista#e,* relied Banta, *it

&lames other comuters$*Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al

WHAT A CHEAP !

Banta went to a chea restaurant to have dinner$ %e ran

into his !riend (am 0ai who was wor#ing there as a

waiter$*(am 0ai, aren*t you ashamed o! wor#ing in this third-

class restaurant* he as#ed$' may wor# in a third-class restaurant,* relied (am

0ai, *&ut I don*t eat in one li#e you$*Contributed by J.P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al



CATCH THEM ...!+n Englishman, an +merican, and a Sardari were called

uon to test a lie detector$'he Englishman said, ' thin# I can emty 9 &ottles o! &eer$*

BFFFFF went the lie detector$

*OK,* he said, *9 &ottles$* +nd the machine wassilent$ , $

'he +merican said, *I thin# I can eat / ham&urgers$*BFFFFF went the lie detector$

*+lright, 8 ham&urgers$* +nd the machine was silent$'he Sardari said, GI thin# $$$*BFFFFF went the machine@

Contributed by Hardi$ *aur Sandhu, !enmark

"MART MO#E(a#esh= *Bro#en o!! your engagement to 2eena*

2ahesh= *She would not have me$*

(a#esh= *?ou should have told her a&out your rich

uncle in Bom&ay$*

2ahesh= ' did$ She is my aunt now$*

Contributed by *esa&a Prasad, Tamilnadu



BETTING BLUE"

/anta saw that his !riend (am 0ai was very deressed$

*Ahat haened* as#ed Santa$+/aar, I lost (s 899 in a &et yesterday$*

*%ow come**Aell, yesterday, the one day match &etween India andEngland was &eing shown live on 'H I &et (s /99 thatIndia would win, &ut I lost the &et$*

*But that*s only (s /99, where did the rest go*+/aar, I &et on the highlights too@*

Contributed by init *achnt, Washin'ton !C

CO#ERING $OUR TRAC%"

+n editor once wrote= *1on*t &e surrised i! you !indmista#es in this editorial newsletter$ Ae rint something!or everyone$ +nd some eole are always loo#ing !or

mista#es$*

Contributed by a'an !hir, Ne !elhi

ONE &OR IMAMDINSu&edar 0ehna Singh and Su&edar Imamdin were in thesame regiment in the British Indian +rmy$ 'hey wereinseara&le !riends and sent their evenings drin#ing

together$ 'he artition searated them as Su&edarImamdin was a&sor&ed in the ;a#istan +rmy$'o #ee his !riend*s memory alive Su&edar 0ehna

Singh always !illed two glasses with rum and water andsied !rom each alternately@

Ahen some&ody as#ed him why he did so, hee3lained= *'his glass is Imamdin*s this one is mine$ So Ita#e a si !rom each — one on &ehal! o! Imamdin, theother !or mysel!$*

Suddenly one evening Su&edar 0ehna Singh was seenwith only one glass on his ta&le$ %e was as#ed what had

haened$ %e relied, *?ou see, I have given u drin#ing &ut Imamdin has not$ So I have ut away my glass anddrin# only on &ehal! o! my !riend$*

Contributed by !r !hanul Ha0 Ha00i, *arachi

HONOURABLE 'OLITIC"(

+ man saw an eitah in a cemetery which read= *%erelies an honest man and olitician$*

*Shame,* he cried, *two eole in the same grave@*

Contributed by H.!. Shourie, Ne !elhi

CAREER 'LANNINGBanto too# her son )hanta to the headmaster and said,

+"aster1ee, my )hanta thin#s a&out a lot o! things &ut

when it comes to wor#, he does nothing$ Ahat should we

do !or his career*'he headmaster relied, *)et him to aly !or a o& in

the ;lanning Commission$*

Contributed by J. P. Sin'h *aka, -ho$al



HODUNIT(

I hree men alied !or the o& o! adetective= Santa !rom India, 2arc )ray&erg, a Jew and'om Silanti, an Italian$

'he chie! decided to as# each alicant ust oneuestion and &ase his decision uon the answer$ Ahen)ray&erg arrived !or his interview, the chie! as#ed him,

*Aho #illed Jesus Christ* %e answered withouthesitation, *'he (omans #illed him$* 'he chie! than#ed

him and he le!t$Ahen Silanti arrived !or his interview, the chie! as#ed

him the same uestion$ %e relied, *Jesus was #illed &ythe Jews$* 'he chie! than#ed him also and he le!t$

<inally, Santa arrived !or his interview and was as#edthe same uestion$ %e thought !or a long time, &e!ore

saying, *Could I have some time to thin# a&out it* 'hechie! said, *O#, &ut get &ac# to me tomorrow$*

Ahen Santa arrived home, his wi!e as#ed, *%ow didthe interview go* ;at came the rely, *)reat, I got the o&,and I*m already investigating a murder@*

Contributed by Hardi$ *aur Sandhu, !enmark

TONGUE O SLIP+n +#ali leader was !ulminating against the Congress$+ddressing a crowded university meeting, he thundered,*'he Congress allahs are all waters o! the !irst rogue$*

'he audience &urst into laughter over his lase o!

tongue$ 'he +#ali leader realised he had made a mista#e$%e oined the alms o! his hands to as# !or ardon, ' amvery sorry, it is a tongue o! sli$*

'his time the laughter was louder than &e!ore$ 'hegentleman that he was, the +#ali leader was genuinelycontrite, *?ou must ardon me$ I am always limiting thecross$*

Contributed by S.2. Patnaik, Cuttack

AIR E"CHANGEAhen I was a youngster,* comlained the !rustrated !ather

aagar, ' was discilined &y &eing con!ined to my roomand not allowed to lay with !riends$ But my son has hisown colour 'H, telehone, comuter, and C1 layer to#ee himsel! amused$*

*So what do you do* as#ed his !riend$' send him to my room@*

Contributed by tul *amath, *umta



OH GOD!+ discile went to his )uru as#ing !or tis to attainenlightenment$ 'he )uru advised, *'a#e a mala 4rosary7and go u into the %imalayas and meditate$* 'he discilewent away$

Several months later, the )uru aid him a visit andas#ed, *%ow do you li#e it u here in the snows*

*Just !ine,* relied the discile$*+nd what a&out the weather 1on*t you !reee**+s long as I have my mala and my chillum 4&owl !ull

o! to&acco7, I don*t care how cold it is$*' am glad to hear it$ Can I also have a chillum !or

mysel! right now,* as#ed the )uru, shivering with cold$*Ahy not@* said the discile$ *2ala@ Aould you &ring

us two chillumsl+

Contributed by nirban Sen, Ne !elhi

ALI#E OR DEADBanta and (am 0ai were wor#ing on a roo!, when Banta

slied and !ell to the ground$ (am 0ai leaned over and

called out= *?ou dead or alive, Banta*

*+live,* moaned Banta$

*?ou*re a liar$ I don*t #now whether to &elieve you or

not,* said (am 0ai$

*'hen I must &e dead,* said Banta, *&ecause youwouldn*t dare call me a liar i! I were alive$*

Contributed by Shi&tar Sin'h !al la, 3udhiana.



"'EA%ER #s M'I wo dogs were discussing their masters$

'he !irst said, *2y master is the sea#er o! the %ouse,when I start &ar#ing, he cannot stand it and #ees saying,

"lease, lease, lease $$$" to sto me !rom &ar#ing$*'he other, &elonging to an 2;, said, *+t least your

master is olite$ 2ine is a most devious man$ +!ter a&using everyone in the house he has the audacity to ut asign&oard on his gate, "Beware o! the dog"

Contributed by T.2. 2ishi, lar

BLOOD$ ONION

2y !ather was a strict vegetarian%e !or&ade me to eat$ Even

onion, a harmless edi&le'hat has nothing to do with meat$ I

wondered why !ather sermonised,*Beware o! onion, touch it not It has a

HARD TO 'LEA"E

Ahen Balwant Kaur disaroved the girl her son wanted

to marry, a !riend told the young man, *?ou must !ind agirl who is li#e your mother$*

Several months later, the young man told his !riend, '!inally !ound a girl who loo#s, tal#s, and acts ust li#e my

mother$*

*Congratulations@* said his !riend$*>ot yet*, said the young man and added, *this time my

!ather o&ected@*

"ARDAR" AGAIN

Santa and Banta went !ishing$ 'heycaught a lot o! !ish and returned to the shore$

Santa= ' hoe you remem&er the sot where wecaught all these !ish,*

Banta= *?es, I mar#ed on the side o! the &oat tomar# the sot$*

Santa= *?ou idiot@ %ow do we #now we will get the

same &oat tomorrow*

&itter taste,

Aith danger it is !raught$* Irealised the wisdom o! !ather*s sermon,Ahen election results were out$ Is not

onion, the &loody onion,

'hat caused the BJ;*s rout

Contributed by .C. -handari, "eerut



WISH ULILLED)od created a mule, and told him, *?ou will &e a mule,wor# constantly !rom dawn to dus#, and carry heavyloads on your &ac# ?ou will eat grass and lac#

intelligence ?ou will live !or /9 years$*'he mule answered, *'o live li#e that !or /9 years will

&e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give me no more than 9

years$ +nd it was so$'hen )od created a dog, and told him, *?ou will hold

vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will &ehis greatest comanion$ ?ou will eat his ta&le scras andlive !or / years$*

'he dog resonded, *0ord, to live / years as a dogli#e that will &e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give me no morethan 9 years$* +nd it was so$

)od then created a mon#ey, and told him, *?ou will &e a mon#ey$ ?ou will swing !rom tree to tree and actli#e an idiot$ ?ou will &e !unny, and you will live !or 9years$

'he mon#ey resonded, *0ord, to live 9 years as theclown o! the world will &e too much$ ;lease, 0ord, give

me no more than 9 years$* +nd it was so$<inally, )od created man and told him, *?ou will &e

the only rational &eing that wal#s on the earth ?ou willuse your intelligence to have mastery over other creatures

o! the world$ ?ou will dominate the earth and live !or 9

years$*'he man resonded, *0ord, to &e a man !or only 9

years will &e too little$ ;lease, 0ord, give me the :9 yearsthe mule re!used, the / years the dog re!used, and the 9years the mon#ey re!used$* +nd it was so$

Ever since the grant o! that wish man*s li!e goessomewhat li#e this=

%e lives the !irst 9 years as a man enoying himsel!without a worry in the world, then he marries and havechildren, to suort them he has to wor# li#e a mule and

carry the heavy resonsi&ility 4load7 o! his !amily on hisshoulders$ 'his goes on till he is L9$ 'he ne3t / years helives a dog*s li!e guarding his house and eating le!toversa!ter the children have emtied the antry$ <inally in hisold age he lives the last 9 years as a mon#ey,entertaining his grandchildren &y acting li#e an idiot$ +ndso, it has &een ever since$

GRANDATHER ORGRANDMOTHER#

aagar*s eldest daughter had &een ta#en to the deliveryroom in a hosital and he was an3iously waiting outside,

when he heard the crying o! a new&orn &a&e$ + !ewminutes later a nurse came out o! the delivery room$

aagar rushed u to her and enuired, *Sister, am I agrand!ather or a grandmother*

Contributed by S. Paramesaran, )S

134164290 khushwant singhs joke book 5

Documents