science joke

8/2/2019 Science Joke

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Biology Joke 1:

Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

Biology Joke 2:

A TV viewer sent a headline to the Jay Leno Tonight Show that read "Integration of Physics into CellularBiology Leads to Epidermal Solar Cells with Growth Vectors."

Biology Joke 3:

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to

speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.

Biology Joke 4:Q: What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick?

A: Designer jeans.

Biology Joke 5:

It is well known that the blood contains white cells and red cells. But it is not so well known that white

cells come in husband and wife forms. Evidence for this came when the renown medical researcher Dr.

Sanguine listened to blood with a tiny microphone and heard a white wife cell say, "The way to a man's

heart in through his veins."

Biology Joke 6:

Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?

A: An itsy bitsy book.

Biology Joke 7:

The bad news is that the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Amoebas is shrinking. The

good news is that none of the amoebas has lost any of their members.

Biology Joke 8:

The following is a true story about an anatomist.

One day after sleeping badly, an anatomist went to his frog laboratory and removed from a cage one frog

with white spots on its back. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog. "Jump frog,

jump!" he shouted. The little critter jumped two feet forward. In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled,

"Frog with four legs jumps two feet."

Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which,the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet."

Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump a foot. He scribbled in his


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lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps one foot."

Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow

managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The scientist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet."

Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog.

But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; thefrog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no

legs goes deaf."

Biology Joke 9:

Confucius's once said, "When you breathe, you inspire, and when you do not breathe, you expire."

Biology Joke 10:

When Jay Leno went J-walking and asked pedestrians biology questions, he discovered some amazingnew facts about life:

Jay Leno: "How does blood circulate in the human body?"

A high school cheerleader: "I not exactly sure. Does it go down the right leg and up the left?"

Jay Leno: "Can you name the three kinds of blood vessels?"

A freshman at UCLA: "Yes. Arteries, veins and caterpillars."

Jay Leno: Where is the alimentary canal located?"

A high school dropout: "Is it at the border of New York State and Canada?"

Biology Joke 11:

Q. What does DNA stand for?

A. National Dyslexics Association

Biology Joke 12:

At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH

ONLY!"

Biology Joke 13:

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

A: Pull down its genes.

Biology Joke 14:

The wives of the American Society of Otolaryngologists have a cute saying: "The way to a man's stomach

is through his esophagus."

Biology Joke 15:An unemployed biologist was having considerable difficulty in finding a new job. He finally saw an add in a

local newspaper for a position at a zoo. In the interview, the manager told him that their only gorilla,

which had been a star attraction, had recently died, and it would be sometime before they could replace


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it. Meanwhile, they needed someone to dress up as a gorilla and pretend to be the animal. The biologist

was quite embarrassed, but, being desperate for money, he accepted the job.

The next day, the biologist put on a gorilla skin and headgear and entered a cage from a rear entrance.

Visitors smiled at him and threw bread. After a while, the biologist really got into the act. He jumped up

and down, beat his chest and roared as people cheered.

The following day, the biologist entered the wrong cage by accident and found himself staring at a lion.

The lion roared and rushed toward him. The scared biologist turned and ran, while screaming, "Help!

Help!" The lion leaped onto the gorilla, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear, "Hey, it's me

Leonard, your former co-worker. Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"

Astronomy Joke 1:

Q: What is Preparation A?

A: It is the name of an over-the-counter product used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids.

Astronomy Joke 2:

When Mr. Leno of the Tonight Show went J-walking and asked pedestrians some science questions, he

discovered some amazing new facts about the universe:

Jay Leno: "Why does dew appear on plants in the morning when the Sun comes up?" A waitress: "Is it

because the Sun makes them perspire?"

Jay Leno: "Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?" An auto mechanic: "To get to the other side?"

Jay Leno: What are magnets?" A taxi driver: "Are they the things crawling over a week-old dead cat?"

Jay Leno: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?" A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the

Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the

day when you don't need it."

Astronomy Joke 3:

It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus,

young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around

you."

Astronomy Joke 4:

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines black holes as what you get in black socks.

Astronomy Joke 5:

"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not in cockroaches." a New York City

tenant.

Astronomy Joke 6: A limerick about Edmund Halley


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From the public, his discovery brought cheers.

From his wife, it drew nothing but torrents of tears.

"For you see," said Ms. Halley,

"He used to come daily;

Now he comes once every 70 years!"

Astronomy Joke 7:

An English major at a university was taking an astronomy course to satisfy the science requirement.

During the last lecture of the semester, the professor spoke about some of the more exotic objects in

the universe including black holes. Despite his teacher's enthusiasm, the student showed no interest, as

was the case for all his astronomy classes during the semester. When the bell rang, the student turned

to his friend and said, "The prof says that black holes are interesting, but I think they suck."

DANGER!!! BLACK HOLE LOCATED TO THE RIGHT:

Astronomy Joke 8:

An astronomy major had a part time job working in the university's off-campus housing office. One day,

a fellow student, upon entering the office in thought about the morning lecture, asked, "What is anastronomical unit?" To which the astronomy major replied, "One helluva big apartment."

Chemistry Joke 1:

Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free

electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."

Chemistry Joke 2:

A chemistry professor couldn't resist interjecting a little philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his

discussion on balancing chemical equations, saying, "Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're

part of the precipitate!"

Chemistry Joke 3:

One day on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno showed a classified add that read: "Do you have mole problems?

If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023."

Chemistry Joke 4:

A student comes into his lab class right at the end of the hour. Fearing he'll get an "F", he asks a fellow

student what she's been doing. "We've been observing water under the microscope. We're suppose to

write up what we see." The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipseswith hair on them. The panic-stricken student hears the bell go off, opens his notebook and writes,

"During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H's as O's."
http://jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/blackholedeath.html


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Chemistry Joke 5:

Q: How did the football cheerleader define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam?

A: Fear of utility bills.

Chemistry Joke 6:The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines cation as a positively charged kitten.

Chemistry Joke 7:

Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A: A ferrous wheel:

Fe - Fe

/ \

Fe Fe

\ /Fe - Fe

Chemistry Joke 8:

Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like molecule?

PhD PhD

\ /

C - C

/ \C C

\ /

C - C

A: Orthodox

Chemistry Joke 9:

If you succeeding in guessing the answer to the previous joke, then you figure out this one:

Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like molecule?

4

\

C - C 4

/ \ /

C C

\ /

C - C

A: Metaphor

Chemistry Joke 10:Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny?

A: An ether bunny


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Chemistry Joke 11:

Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

A: H-two-O-CUBED

Chemistry Joke 12:Q: What is the chemical symbol for diarrhea?

A: (CO(NH2)2)2

Chemistry Joke 13:

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

A: They're cheaper than day rates.

Chemistry Joke 14:

Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

Chemistry Joke 15:

Here is a historical note: In the 1980's, in an effort to increase public awareness about the importance of

chemistry, the American Chemical Society posted billboards with a picture of C6H10 and the title, "It takes

alkynes to make a world."

Chemistry Joke 16:

Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!

Chemistry Joke 17:

Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?

A: Seawater

Chemistry Joke 18:

Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?

A: CoRnY.

Chemistry Joke 19:

Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see?

A: A mole of molasses.

Chemistry Joke 20:

Q: What does a teary-eyed, joyful Santa say about chemistry?

A: HOH, HOH, HOH!

Chemistry Joke 21:

Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.


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Chemistry Joke 22:

Q: Why is potassium a racist element?

A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.

Chemistry Joke 23:

An electron sitting in a prison asked a second electron cellmate, "What are you in for?" To which the

latter replied, "For attempting a forbidden transition."

Chemistry Joke 24:

Q: What is the dullest element?

A: Bohrium

Chemistry Joke 25:At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most

important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the

spoon."

Chemistry Joke 26:

This is no joke but a call to *BAN* dihydrogen monoxide, otherwise know as the invisible, killer

substance. Jupiter Scientific's science joke webpage is probably not the place to post this protest, but the

JS staff feels very strongly about this issue. For your information, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is

colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused

by accidental inhalation of DHMO in its liquid form, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not endthere. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes tissue damage and contact with its gaseous form

causes burns. DHMO use is widespread. For those who have become dependent on it, DHMO withdrawal

means death. DHMO can be an environmental hazard: it is a major component of acid rain, contributes to

the "greenhouse effect", leads to the erosion of natural landscapes and hastens the corrosion of most

metals. Being so prevalent (quantities are found in every stream, lake and reservoir), DHMO

contamination is at epidemic proportions. Despite the dangers, DHMO is often used as an industrial

solvent, as a fire retardant, in nuclear power plants and (can you believe this) in certain food products.

Companies dump waste dihydrogen monoxide into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop

them because this practice is still legal. STOP THE HORROR NOW! The American government and the

United Nations have refused to ban the production, distribution or use of this chemical due to its

"economic importance." The navy and certain other military organizations are highly dependent onDHMO for various purposes. Military facilities receive tons of it through a sophisticated underground

distribution network. It is also stored in large quantities for military emergencies. BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

You can help. Act *NOW* to prevent further contamination. Write your representatives. Start and sign

petitions. Send e-mails. Inform your friends about the dangers. What you don't know *CAN* hurt you and

every individual throughout the world.

Chemistry Joke 27:

Q: How did the political science major define free radical on his chemistry exam?

A: A wild protestor.

Chemistry Joke 28:


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Q: How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole?

A: Avocados number.

Physics Joke 1:

When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion,

and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."

Physics Joke 2:

Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?

A: Sherlock Ohms

Physics Joke 3:

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the

momentum, they can't find the position.

Physics Joke 4:

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no

charge."

Physics Joke 5:

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?

A: Let me atom.

Physics Joke 6:

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the

other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

Physics Joke 7:

When a third-grade student was asked to define the term "vacuum" in class, she answered, "A vacuum is

an empty region of space where the Pope lives."

Physics Joke 8:

Q: Which right-hand rule do students use on bad physics professors?A: Step 1: Extend your right arm forward from the elbow. Step 2: Keeping your palm facing to the left,

stick out your middle finger. Step 3: Rotate your hand 90 degrees clockwise.

Physics Joke 9:

Here is a teaching tip for physics professors: When a student tries to paraphrase something you have just

taught, feed her or him the following line: "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I

am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." This will guarantee that the student

will not interrupt your class again until the next semester.

Physics Joke 10:Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:

(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere


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else.

(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong. (3) The

longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the

references.

(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the

other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.

(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world.(By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)

(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or

less.

(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if

miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through

your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.

(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for

tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.

(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get

your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the

time you get your Ph.D.(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable

particle not seen in Nature.

In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does

go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.

Physics Joke 11:

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

Physics Joke 12:Q: Where does bad light end up?

A: In a prism.

Physics Joke 13:

Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He

went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction;

fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the

Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon

had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her

resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her

shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum

output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat.

Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged every electron

was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and

hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his

collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went

home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

Physics Joke 14:

A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay


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question to this year's final exam. The instructions read, "Describe the universe in 400 words or less and

give three examples."

Physics Joke 15:

This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany.

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you

were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

Physics Joke 16:

The following is a little known, true story about Albert Einstein (attributed to Paul Harvey).

Albert Einstein was just about finished his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to

take a break and go on vacation to Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco. Each day,

late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the

fresh Pacific sea air. On the last day, he paused during his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun

set. When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him.

The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work. "What symbol should I use for the speedof light?" he asked himself. The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some

other purpose. Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something

to her. Almost out of desperation, he asked as he lowered his dark sunglasses, "Do you not zink zat zee

speed of light is zery fast?" The woman smiled at Einstein (which, by the way, made his heart sink) and

replied, "Si."

And know you know the rest of the story.

Physics Joke 17:

Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Physics Joke 18:

It has been rumored that Edmund Scientific is trying to keep up with the times. The following amusing

incident confirms this belief. The Chairman of a Physics Department ordered some lab equipment from

the company. When the package arrived, a secretary opened it and found the following warning label:

"Despite its superficial appearance, this product at a microscopic level might be made of strings.

Manufacturer will prosecute to the maximum extent of the copyright law any attempt to make a

supersymmetric version.

Physics Joke 19:

Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?

A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the

ones moving away from you are red.

Physics Joke 20:

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines an elementary particle as the dreams that stuff is

made of.

Physics Joke 21:

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines a transistor as a nun who's had a sex change.

Physics Joke 22:


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The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines hyperspace as the place where you park your

limousine at a superstore.

Physics Joke 23:

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

Physics Joke 24:

The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says "You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."

Physics Joke 25:

When a travel agent was asked if faster-than-light flights were available, she said, "Yes, but tickets must

be purchased at least three weeks in advance and a Saturday night stay is required."

Physics Joke 26:Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?

A: Quark, quark, quark!

Physics Joke 27:

Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?

A: "Gotta split!"

Physics Joke 28:

Physics quote of the day: Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.

Physics Joke 29:According to Einstein's Theory of Relatives, the probability of in-laws visiting you is directly proportional

to how much you feel like being left alone.

Physics Joke 30:

There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals. Please write to your congressman to

repeal Newton's third law.

Physics Joke 31:

Einstein's favorite limerick was:

There was an old lady called Wright

who could travel much faster than light.She departed one day

in a relative way

and returned on the previous night.

Physics Joke 33:

A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me,

professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"

Physics Joke 34:

Three months before his 1905 seminal relativity paper, Einstein perform the following thoughtexperiment, which, by the way, is known as a gedanken experiment in theoretical physics:


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Einstein imagined, "If I vere to put my hand on a hot stove for a minute, it vould seem like an hour. But if I

vere to sit with a pretty girl for an hour, it vould seem like a minute. By Jove, I think time is relative."

Physics Joke 35:

A little boy refused to run anymore. When his mother asked him why, he replied, "I heard that the faster

you go, the shorter you become."

Physics Joke 36: A six-year-old boy spotted Albert Einstein walking down the street and decided to try out

his favorite joke on him: "Mr. Einstein! Why did the chicken cross the road?" To which the famous

physicist replied, "My young burgeoning mind, zee question does not have a definite anzer. Vether zee

chicken crossed zee road or zee road crossed zee chicken depends on your frame of reference."

Physics Joke 37:

There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."

Physics Joke 38:

Jupiter Scientific is pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety

campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:

WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet

known to be associated with effect.

NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected

by the extra six dimensions.

HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear

radiation.

NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exactnature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no

known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.

DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.

LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased

since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer

responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.

NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state

if directly observed.

HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at

extremely high speeds.

EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town.

Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this

package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.

GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with alimited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the

contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the

instruction sheet.


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IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure

that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable

for User mishandling in this regard.

QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those

used in other products of the Manufacturer.

DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this

product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be

responsible for such mysterious disappearances.

AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder

in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder

pollution.

USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.

Physics Joke 39:

Ten little known facts about relativity:

(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)

(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf

the red-shift reindeer.

(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.

(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.

(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.

(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.

(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.(9) Moving midgets are shortened.

(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.

Physics Joke 40:

Q: How were three graduate physics students able to demonstrated that a human could travel faster than

light?

A: The three students went to a store and bought a stop watch and a candle. Then, they proceeded to a

high school track field. The first student lit the candle and began to walk around the track. The second

student waited a while and then ran after the first student. The third student worked the stop watch

because physics experiments require precise measurements. When the second student rounded the trackand came in first, the three students concluded that humans could travel faster than light.

Physics Joke 41: What is the difference between an ohm and a coulomb?

Physics Joke 42:

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?

A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you

rather attractive.

explaination~

Astronomy 1: "Asteroids" sounds like "ass-teroids" and reminds one a bit of "hemorrhoids". Asteroids

orbit the Sun as planet-like bodies ranging in size from a few hundred meters to a few hundred

kilometers. The difference between a planet and an asteroid is a question of size.


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Biology 1: Multiplication in biology means reproduction, which is microscopically accomplished bycell

division.

Chemistry 1: Several plays on words: "Positive" may mean affirmative or positively charged. Aleptonis a

particle not participating in thestrong nuclear forcesuch as anelectronorneutrino; in the sentence,

"lepton" should be read as "leapt on". An "ion" is a chargedatomor molecule; in the sentence, "ion"should be read as "eye on". A buckyball is a soccer-like molecule of carbon atoms.

General/Miscellaneous 1: Asymmetry sounds like "a cemetery". Asymmetry in physics and mathematics

is a lack of symmetry. Something is symmetric if it is unchanged when transformed. For example, a

sphere has rotational symmetry because if you turn it, it looks the same.

Physics 1: Newton's first law states that a body in motion remains in motion and a body at rest remains at

rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

Astronomy 2: Dew appears on plants because air cannot contain all its water vapor at cooler

temperatures. The Moon orbits the Earth because of gravity. The taxi driver confused the words"magnets" and "maggots". Of course, if there were no Sun there would be no light during day and night.

Biology 2: There are lots of play on words in this title: Integration can mean the merging of two distinct

disciplines (in this case physics and biology) or the mathematical process of finding the area under a

curve, which is often performed in physics calculations. Epidermal cells are skin cells, which make use of

sunlight for various biochemical processes. It is clever to refer to skin as a solar cell. A growth factor or

growth hormone controls the growth of an organism. "Growth Vector" sounds like "Growth Factor." A

vector is one of the most commonly used mathematical devices in mechanics: it has magnitude and

direction and is used for an object's position, velocity and acceleration.

Chemistry 2: A solution in chemistry is a liquid containing dissolved substances. Precipitates are solidparticles in a solution that arise as a result of a chemical reaction. The sentence makes perfect sense

because precipitates in a liquid are not considered part of a solution because they are not dissolved.

General/Miscellaneous 2: (6) Einstein once said, "God may be subtle but He is not malicious." (7)

Experimentalists often try to fit the data with a straight line.

Physics 2: An ohm is a measure of electrical resistance.

Astronomy 3: Copernicus argued that the Earth went around the Sun and not the other way around.

Biology 3: In microbiology, a culture is a growth of microorganisms for scientific study.

Mole/Avogadro's Number Jokes:

Chemistry 3: A mole is about 6.02 x 1023

and is known as Avogadro's number.

Chemistry 19: A mole is used as a count foratomsand molecules. "Molasses" should be read as "mole

asses".

Chemistry 28: A mole is Avogadro's number.

General/Miscellaneous 3:

"Mean old acids" sounds like "amino acids".

Opossums have prehensile tails, ones that can hold onto things.

The spinal column is the backbone.The student confused the words "revolution" and "resolution".

Jokes Based on the HeisenbergUncertainty Principle:
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Physics 3: The joke is based on the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, which states that you cannot

simultaneously measure both position and momentum accurately.

Physics 15: According to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, you cannot simultaneously know both your

position and speed.

Physics 24: "Heineken Uncertainty" sounds like "Heisenberg Uncertainty."

Physics 37: Heisenberg uncovered the uncertainty principle inquantum mechanics, which places limits on

what one can know or measure.

Black HoleJokes:

Astronomy 4: A black hole is an extremely dense object whose gravity is so strong that nothing, including

light, can escape from within.

Astronomy 7: Black holes draw in surrounding material.

Biology 4: This joke is a play on the wordgene, which is a section ofDNAresponsible for encoding a

protein.

Water Jokes:

Chemistry 4: In water, there are twice as many hydrogen atoms and oxygen atoms. Its chemical formulais H2O.

Chemistry 11: Ice is a cubic solid state of water.

Chemistry 17: "C" = "sea" and "H2O" = water. C is the symbol for carbon, the sixth element of the periodic

table.

Chemistry 20: HOH is equivalent to H2O.

Chemistry 26: Dihydrogen monoxide is H2O or water. The joke illustrates how with clever English one can

make a harmless substance sound dangerous.

Physics 4:Neutronsare particles without electric charge.

Astronomy 5: About 95% of the matter in the universe isdark matter. The nature of dark matter isunknown and is one of thegreat mysteries of astronomy. Missing mass refers to the mass of this dark

matter.

Biology 5: A play on the saying "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Chemistry 5: A hydrophobic substance is one that does not react with water.

General/Miscellaneous 5: TheBig Bangis the birth of the universe during which energy and matter

rapidly expanded outward under extremely hot conditions. High-temperature superconductors are

copper-oxide substances that conduct electricity with almost no resistance at temperatures often

exceeding 100o K. El Nio is a weather phenomenon in which winds in the southern part of the PacificOcean reverse direction to blow West to East causing lots of rain in South America and drier conditions in

the south western part of the Pacific Ocean.DNAis the molecule containing the blueprints for life. A

semiconductor is able to conduct electricity better than an insulator but poorer than a conductor.Dark

matteris an unknown substance that makes up about 95% of the mass of the universe. It was mistakenly

thought that fusion could take place in a jar at room temperatures; normally fusion only occurs in

extremely hot environments such as the center of the Sun; the idea of room-temperature fusion is called

cold fusion. Tang is an orange-tasting drink. Construction of the superconducting supercollider, which was

a particle accelerator designed to explore new high energy physics, was halted in 1993; all that is left of

the machine is a tunnel in Texas. Number one is a play on the book title, "Men are from Mars; Women

form Venus," which means that scientists and journalists are very different.

Physics 5: "Atom" should be read as "at him." Anatomis the smallest building block that cannot be

divided without dividing electric charge.
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Astronomy 6: Edmund Halley discovered a bright comet with a period of 77 years.

Biology 6: A microtome is an instrument for cutting very thin sections of tissues.

Chemistry 6: A cation (pronounced CAT-ion) is a positively charged molecule.

General/Miscellaneous 6: Scientists submit papers to journals, which send them to referees who decidewhether to accept or reject them.

Physics 6: Anatomwithout anelectronis electrically positive.

Biology 7: An amoeba is a microscopic single-celled animal. A member of an animal is a body limb.

Benzene Jokes:

Chemistry 7: A benzene ring is is a hexagonal molecule of carbon atoms with six hydrogen atoms

attached to each carbon:

H H

\ /C - C

/ \

H - C C - H

\ /

C - C

/ \

H H

The formula for benzene is C6H6.

Chemistry 8: "Ortho" is a prefix indicating that a benzene ring has substitutions in the 1 and 2 positions.

"Orthodox" should be pronounced "orthro - doc's". The PhD's in the molecule indicate higher-education

degrees.

Chemistry 9: "Meta" is a prefix indicating that a benzene ring has substitutions in the 1 and 3 positions.

"Metaphor" should be pronounced "meta - four".

General/Miscellaneous 7:

A bond is what holds two atoms together in a molecule.

Isaac Newton(1642-1727) is the founder of classical mechanics and a newton is a unit of force.

James Clerk Maxwell (1831-1879) helped unify electric and magnetism; a maxwell is a unit of magnetism.

Alexandro Volta (1745-1827) was the inventor of the chemical battery and provided an explanation of

why a dead frog's leg jumps when subjected to electric shock.A watt is a unit of power equal to a joule per second and is names after James Watt (1736-1819).

A joule is a unit of energy and is named after James Prescott Joule (1818-1889).

An ohm is a unit of electrical resistant and is named after Georg Ohm (1787-1854).

A pascal is a unit of pressure equal to a newton per meter squared and is named after Blaise Pascal (1623-

1662).

Robert Hooke (1635-1703) discovered Hooke's law, the law governing the force is a spring.

A coulomb is a unit of charge named after Charles de Coulomb (1736-1806).

A hertz is a unit of frequency of one cycle per second that is named after Henrich Hertz (1857-1894).

Ludwig Boltzmann (1844-1906) advanced the subject of thermodynamics.

A. M. Ampere (1775-1836) studied electric circuits; the amp, a unit of current, is named after him.

Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) noted that lightning was atmospheric electricity.

Thomas Edison (1847-1931) was a great American inventor.
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The Richter scale, which measures the strength of an earthquake, was developed by C. F. Richter (1900-

1985).

Charles Darwin(1809-1882) provided evidence and a mechanism for evolution.

Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) is considered the father of psychoanalysis.

Gregor Mendel (1822-1884) developed a theory of heredity based on classical genetics.

Alfred Wegener (1880-1930) proposed that continents drift.Uniform harmonic motion is periodic oscillatory motion.

Werner Heisenberg (1901-1976) developed theuncertainty principle.

Niels Bohr (1885-1962) developed a theory of atomic energy levels; an excited state is one in which

anelectronis in a quantum level of non-minimal energy.

The Pauli exclusion principle, which say that two identicalfermionscannot be in the same quantum state,

was discovered by Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958).

Erwin Schrdinger (1887-1961) obtained the wave equation governingquantum mechanics.

ABose condensate, which is when a large number ofbosonscollectively act like a single object, was

theoretically predicted by Satyendra Nath Bose (1894-1974) and Albert Einstein.

The general theory of relativity ofAlbert Einstein(1879-1955) explains gravity as the curvature of space.

Jan Oort (1900-1992) postulated the existence of a cloud ofcometsfar beyond Pluto.

Edwin Hubble (1889-1953) was a great observational astronomer who, among things, established that the

recessional speed of a galaxy increases with distance.

James D. Watson (1928-) and Francis Crick (1916- ) came up with the idea thatDNAis a double-helix

molecule.

Eugene Wigner (1902-1995) applied group theory toquantum mechanicsand other physics problems.

Burton Richter (1931- ) and Samuel C. C. Ting (1936- ) discovered thecharm quark.

Richard Feynman (1918-1988) helped to develop quantum field theory.

Stephen Hawking (1942- ) wrote the best sellerA Brief Summary of Time.Supersymmetry is the idea that there is a symmetry between particles of half-integer spin (fermions) and

particles of integer spin (bosons); a slepton is the bosonic partner of a lepton; aleptonis

anelectron,muon, tau orneutrino.

Physics 7: This joke is a play on the word "Vatican." A vacuum is a region devoid of any matter.

Astronomy 8: An astronomical unit is the distance between the Sun and the Earth, about 150 million

kilometers.

Biology 8: Anatomy is the study of the body parts of a living organism. An anatomist is one whospecializes in this field.

General/Miscellaneous 8: Straight lines are commonly used to fit experimental data.

Physics 8: If you don't understand, try the procedure but only when the professor is at the blackboard

with his back to the class. By the way, in Arabic nations and Israel, you use your left hand. The right-hand

rule in physics is used to determine the direction of a cross product of vectors. Such cross products enter,

for example, in the computation of torque and angular momentum.

Astronomy 9: 299,792 kilometers/second is the speed of light. Nothing can travel faster than light.

General/Miscellaneous 9: Aquarkis a fundamental, microscopic elementary particle.
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Physics 9: Physics is considered the most difficult academic subject.

Biology 10: The heart causes blood to circulate. Capillaries, not caterpillars, are very thin tubes through

which blood flows. The alimentary canal is the digestive tract of an animal. Presumably, the high school

dropout was thinking of the Erie Canal.

Chemistry 10: Ethers are organic molecules containing the group -O- .

String TheoryJokes:

Physics 10: String theory is a unification model based on the idea that all elementary particles are

different vibrations of a microscopic string. Concerning (6), string theories are formulated in various

numbers of spatial dimensions, of which nine is the most popular. Concerning (10), the phase "low-

energy, observable particle" means that current accelerators are capable of producing and detecting it.

Physics 14: String theorists have uncovered thousands of string models that they hope might describe the

world.

Physics 22: Superstring theory predicts extra spatial dimensions beyond three. These extra dimensions

form hyperspace.

Biology 11:DNAstands for deoxyribonucleic acid.

Physics 11: The second law of thermodynamics states that the entropy of a closed system can only

increase. Entropy is a measure of disorder.

Biology 12: The word "staph" is an informal version of staphylococci, a type of spherical parasitic bacteriathat bunch together in irregular masses.

Chemistry 12: Urea is the molecule CO(NH2)2. The prefix "di" stands for two.

Physics 12: "Prism" sounds like "prison." A prism is used to separate white light into colors.

Biology 13: Achromosomeis a structure in the cell nucleus carrying the genes that determine the

characteristics of an individual. A chromosome is composed of aDNAmolecule that is folded into a

compact object.

Chemistry 13: Nitrates are salts (such as sodium nitrate (NaNO3) or potassium nitrate (KNO3)) or esters

(such as nitroglycerin C3H5N3O9) of nitric acid, containing the ion NO3-.

General/Miscellaneous 13: A conductor is a material that allows electricity to flow through it. A bad

conduction, or insulator, does not allow electricity to flow. "Sir Ramick" should be read as "ceramic."

Ceramics are insulators.

Physics 13: A capacitor is an electronic device that stores charge. An inductor is a coil of wire that creates

an electromagnetic force (emf) or voltage potential when a changing current goes through it. When the

emf affects the inductor itself, it is called self inductance. A solenoid is a cylindrical coil of wire and the

main component of an inductor. A megacycle is a million cycles per second. The Wheatstone bridge is a

setup of resistors in a diamond-like circuit configuration that can be used to measure the resistance of an
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unknown resistor. A sine wave is a curve that goes up and down in the shape of the trigonometric sine

function. A microfarad is a unit for capacitance. A milliamp is a thousandth of an amp, an amp being a

unit of electric current. A characteristic curve is the most typical, essentially defining shape of a plot of

the output of something. Fields, like the electric field and the magnetic field, are forces that spread

throughout space. A potential that is attached to the surroundings is called a ground potential. Frequency

is the number of times something oscillates per second. Resistance is the property of an electric device toretard the motion of charges. Voltage is the impetus causing charges to move through a circuit. Two

electronic components can be joined in parallel by having a wire split in two and having the wire rejoin;

electronic components joined in series are located on a single wire one after another. A shunt is a resistor

inserted in parallel to reduce the current in a wire; it can be thought of as partial short-circuiting. An ohm

is a unit of electrical resistance. Mho is the reciprocal unit of an ohm. A capacitor discharges when its

stored charge is removed. To flux is to flow. A tickler is a small coil used in old vacuum tube amplifiers. To

oscillate is to move up and down; when an inductor and capacitor are connected together, the current

oscillates.

Biology 14: An otolaryngologist is an ear-nose-throat doctor. The esophagus is the tube in the throat

leading to the stomach. A play of the saying "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Chemistry 14: The symbols for carbon, holmium, cobalt, lanthanum and tellurium are respectively C, Ho,

Co, La and Te.

Chemistry 16: "Helium", "curium" and "barium" should be pronounced "heal him", "cure him" and "bury

him". Helium, curium and barium are the 2nd, 96th and 56th elements of the periodic table.

Speed of Light Jokes:Physics 16: The symbol for the speed of light is c.

Physics 25: The travel agent was not listening carefully. It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of

light.

Physics 31: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light. However, if one extrapolates the ideas

of special relativity to faster-than-the-speed-of-light moving objects, then clocks on such objects would go

backwards.

Physics 40: This is not exactly what Einstein meant when he argued that nothing can travel faster than the

speed of light.

Chemistry 18: CoRnY is corny. Co, Rn and Y are respectively the symbols for cobalt, radon, and yttrium.

Physics 18:String theoryis the idea that the fundamental particles are extremely small vibrating strings.

The most interesting types of string theories are superstrings, which are strings that exhibit

supersymmetry. Supersymmetry is the idea that there is an approximate symmetry in Nature in which,

for everyboson(particles spinning with integer units), there is afermion(particles spinning with half-

integer units), and vice-versa.

Physics 20: Elementary particles such aselectrons, neutronsandprotonsmake up all microscopic matter.

High energy physics send them crashing into each other in beams (not "dreams").

Chemistry 22: K is the symbol for potassium.
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Chemistry 24: Bohrium pronounced "BORE-ee-um" is a synthesized element appearing as number 107 in

the periodic table. It is named after the great Danish physicist Niels Bohr.

Physics 26:Quarksare the particle constituents ofprotonsandneutrons.

Physics 28: "Matter" is a physics term meaning stuff or substance.

Physics 30: Newton's third law says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Physics 32:CERNis a huge particle accelerator laboratory located on the border of France and

Switzerland.Neutronshave no electric charge. "SF" stands for Swiss Francs.

Physics 34: According to special relativity, the notion of time is relative in the sense that it depends on

the motion of the observer.

Physics 36: Observations are observer dependent.

Physics 38:

The general theory of relativity says that mass warps the space-time surrounding it and that curved

space-time is responsible for the force of gravity.

Superstring theoriespredict that space is nine-dimensional but that six of the dimensions curl up into a

tiny, unobservable hyperspace.

Radioactive elements exist in at least minute quantities in everything so that there is always low-level

radiation.

Theprotonsandneutronsin a nucleus are held together by gluons.A wormhole is a tube connecting one region of spacetime to another; it is unknown whether wormholes

really exist.

The entropy, which is closely related to disorder, of a close system always increases with time.

Atomsand molecules, which make up matter, are mostly empty space.

The observation of a mixed quantum state causes it to collapse or change.

Electrons move in materials (especially metals) at high speeds.

If mass is converted into energy, a lot of energy is released (E=mc2).

Theuncertainty principlesays that measurement of the momentum and position of an object is

restricted; the faster an object moves, the higher its momentum and the more uncertain is its location.

When matter and anti-matter come together, energy is released in enormous quantities according to theformula E=mc

2.

Protons, neutronsandelectrons, which are the constituents ofatoms, are always the same.

Inquantum tunneling, an object can move through a region forbidden by classical mechanics.

The second law of thermodynamics says that the entropy of the universe increase with time.

Ablack holeis an extremely dense object whose gravity is so strong that nothing, including light, can

escape from within; the pull of gravity near ablack holeis enormous.

Physics 42: Bar magnets have a north pole and a south pole at opposite ends. Like poles repel and unlike

poles attrack. Thus, when one magnet is oriented with (say) its north end facing the north end of the

other, the magnets repel, but when one magnet is turned around, the two attrack.

Chemistry 15: "Alkynes" should be pronounced "all kinds." An alkyne is a molecule with the general
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formula CnH2n-2.

Physics 17: Einstein's general theory of relativity is a modification of Newtonian gravity and is based on

the idea that gravity is due to the curvature of space-time.

Physics 19: In the optical Doppler effect, the light of a source moving away from you is lengthen andbecomes "reddened".

Chemistry 21: H2SO4 is sulfuric acid. Presumably, Susan drank acid instead of water.

Physics 21: "Transistor" is read as trans-sister." A transistor is an electronic device allowing one current

(known as the base current) to control the flow of another current.

Chemistry 23: In anatomor molecule, an electron can move from one energy level to another by

emitting or absorbing a photon (or ray of light). Such a process is called a transition. Those transitions

that do not violate any symmetry-restricting rules are called allowed. These symmetry-restricting rules,

however, are not exactly valid. Thus transitions that violate such rules still occur but at much slower rates

and are called forbidden.

Physics 23: The half-life of a radioactive substance is the time it takes for half of it to decay away.

Ordinary cats are said to have 9 lives, so the issue is whether a radioactive cat has 9 or 18 half-lives.

Chemistry 27: A free radical is an organic compound in which some of the valence electrons are not

paired.

Physics 27: Uranium-238 spontaneously fissions (splits) into thorium-234 and an alpha particle (which is a

Helium nucleus).

Physics 29: The word "relatives" is almost the same as "relativity." Einstein's special theory of relativity

modifies Newtonian mechanics. The effects are small at everyday speeds but dramatic as objects move

near the speed of light. Einstein's general theory of relativity is a modification of Newtonian gravity and is

based on the idea that gravity is due to the curvature of space-time.

Physics 33: Observations are relative, meaning that depend on the point of view of the observer.

Physics 35: According to special relativity, the length of an object decreases as the speed of the object

increases.

Physics 39: (1) Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light.

(2) E=mc2.

(3) When a light-emitting object moves away at great speeds, the wavelength of the light is increased or

red-shifted; a red-shift reindeer must be moving extremely fast.

(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for bodies attracting one another but has

little to do with love.

(5) The speed of light is constant.

(6) Energy is conserved meaning that it is neither created nor destroyed.

(7) The speed of time is dt/dt=1.
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(8) The laws of physics are the same for all constantly moving observers.

(9) Moving objects are shortened in the direction of their motion.

(10) Energy and mass are equivalent, but the destruction of a little mass produces an enormous amount

of energy.

Physics 41: The symbol for an ohm (a unit of electrical resistance) is the Greek symbol omega. A coulomb(pronounced "cool ohm") is a unit of charge.

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