How to make an

Achayan?THE LOVE STORY OF AN IDIOT

What is an

Achayan?

TO MAKE ANYTHING, WE SHOULD FIRST KNOW WHAT IT IS.

SO, WHAT IS AN ACHAYAN?

IF YOU NEVER HEARD OF ACHAYAN BEFORE, THEN YOU ARE IN FOR A TREAT. LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO THE BASICS OF ACHAYAN.

What is an

Achayan?

SO, WHAT IS AN ACHAYAN?

WRONG QUESTION.

ACHAYAN IS NOT A WHAT; ACHAYAN IS A WHO/M.

YOU SHOULD ASK WHO, NOT WHAT, IS AN ACHAYAN.

Okay, who is an

Achayan, then?

FIRST THE THEORY:

ACHAYAN IS

• An adult male

• A Saint Thomas Christian

• Hailing from central and southern parts (mostly Kottayam, Idukki, Pathanamthitta and parts of Ernakulam districts) of Kerala, a state in South India

That sounds

boring.

YES, THEORY IS BORING, ALWAYS.

BUT AN ACHAYAN IS NOT BORING, AT ALL.

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF AN ACHAYAN MAKES HIM SO UNIQUE AND SO INTERESTING.

What

characteristics?

FIRST, THE UNIFORM:

• Silk jubba (white or golden colour)

• White cotton mundu (dhoti) with kasavu kara (golden coloured border)

• Silk shawl with kasavu kara to match the jubba

Then the accessories

• Gold/platinum chain (should be so thick that you shouldn’t be able to lift it with one hand)

• Gold/platinum bracelet (thickness/weight same as above)

• Huge sized rings in as many fingers as possible

• 2 or 3 smartphones

• Rolex or any other costly watch

• Rayban or any other costly sunglass

• A double barrel gun in hand or an automatic pistol hidden in body completes the story

We are not

done yet

PHYSICALLY,

• Achayan is at least 6 feet tall, way above the average height of Indian male

• Weight/physique to match the height (Prime Minister Mody style 56” chest would be a perfect match)

• Achayan is very brave and courageous (remember the guns in the accessory list?)

Fact: The areas they live in are mostly part of the western Ghats. They have to fight both with the nature and with the wild animals for survival

Most important

FINANCIALLY,

• Achayan is very rich

• Mostly planters (rubber and cardamom are usual)

• Luxury cars like AUDI, BMW, BENZ is a must

• Grand sprawling villas surrounded by the estate is mandatory as well

Back to the

question

AFTER THAT LONG LECTURE, AND WITH A NEW SENSE OF THE ACHAYAN CHARACTER, NOW WE ARE BACK TO THAT QUESTION AGAIN.

HOW TO MAKE ANYONE AN ACHAYAN?

LET’S TAKE ME AS AN EXAMPLE. HOW DO WE MAKE ME AN ACHAYAN?

Oh!, my ‘me’;

Mama Mia!

THAT’S ME IN THE PICTURE (IN CASE YOU DON’T KNOW).

NAH, THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE AN ACHAYAN, I KNOW; I JUST HAPPENED TO BE THE HERO (REMEMBER THE ‘IDIOT’ IN THE TITLE?)

SOME FACTS ABOUT ME, I AM CLOSE TO 5’6”, WITH A CHEST THAT IS 40” LESS THAN THE 56” MODY CHEST.

Now you know

THOUGH A CATHOLIC, I COME FROM COCHIN, FAR AWAY FROM THE ACHAYAN BELT I TALKED ABOUT EARLY.

EVEN A 5 YEAR OLD CHILD CAN SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME: SO, LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT THE BRAVERY PART AT ALL.

ALSO NOTE THE ABSENCE OF ACCESSORIES AND UNIFORM.

The estate, villa,

and the car?

WHAT ABOUT THE FINANCIAL SIDE OF THE STORY, YOU ASK?

HEEE, HE, HE….HA, HA, HA, HA… HOOO, HO, HO, HO, AYYO, AYYO.

(LET’S JUST SAY I AM WAY OFF THE MARK.)

No way

SO IN THEORY AND IN PRACTICE, LOOKS LIKE THERE IS NO WAY WE COULD MAKE ME AN ACHAYAN.

OR IS IT?

WOULDN’T IT BE MAGICAL IF SOMETHING OR SOMEONE CAN MAKE ME AN ACHAYAN, JUST LIKE THAT?

What is it?

WHAT IS IT, THAT COULD MAGICALLY COMPENSATE FOR ALL MY SHORTCOMINGS?

MAKE ME THE MAN OF MY DREAMS?

MAKE ME AN ACHAYAN?

Who else but?

Who else but one from the, one and

only, female species?

Who else but a girl of the Achayan clan?

Who else but an Achayathi?

(Don’t get confused; that’s a film poster on

the right.)

So what’s the

story?

NOTHING MUCH:

BOY MEETS GIRL.

BOY HAPPY, GIRL HAPPY.

GIRL SMILES, BOY IN LOVE.

BOY JOKES, GIRL IN LOVE.

HIS PARENTS HAPPY, HER PARENTS HAPPY.

END OF STORY.

IN SHORT, ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

What is it?

SO, NOW YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT

THE STORY OF HOW TO MAKE ANYONE

AN ACHAYAN.

THIS IS THE STORY OF HOW TO MAKE

ME AN ACHAYAN.

THIS IS THE STORY OF ME AND MY

ACHAYATHI.

THIS IS THE STORY OF OUR

EXPECTATIONS, DREAMS, HOPES AND

PRAYERS.

THIS IS THE INVITATION TO THE START OF

OUR JOURNEY TOGETHER.

When is it?

THE ENGAGEMENT IS ON 7TH

FEBRUARY 2014 AT 11.00 AM.

THE WEDDING IS ON 14TH

FEBRUARY 2014 AT 11.45 AM.

(IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE THE VALENTINE’S DAY.)

Where is it?

THE ENGAGEMENT IS AT OUR LADY OF DOLOURS FORANE CHURCH MUNDAKAYAM, KOTTAYAM.

THE WEDDING IS AT HOLY CROSS FORANE CHURCH MANJAPRA, ANGAMALY.

Why is it?

WE NEED YOU TO BE PRESENT

AT THE CEREMONIES.

WE ALSO NEED YOUR

PRAYERS, A LOT OF IT.

PRAY FOR US, BE THERE AT THE

ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING,

ON TIME, WITH FAMILY.

Who is it?SHE IS ON THE NEXT SLIDE

WITH HER BEAUTIFUL SMILE.

Now you

know why I

fell in loveTHAT’S THE GIRL.

RINU ANNIE THOMAS.

What else? ‘OLAKKEM CHOOLUM’

(POUNDER AND BROOM) IS

ON FEB 14TH FROM 7 PM IN

OUR HOUSE.

SO, WHAT IS IT?

THAT’S A SMALL SURPRISE.