Active Listening

in Spiritual Direction

Becky Goff11/8/10

Are You a Good Listener?

Chances are Not Good …

Leaders most often take listening skills for granted

Chosen to Lead = Recognized for Listening ?

Subordinates are the ones w. communications issues ?

Bartenders > Therapists (a.p. ‘67 study)

Most leadership developmental needs tied to lack of listening skills.

Studies show avg US leader speaks 80% of the time around associates. Majority of subordinates polled find their leaders arrogant, impatient, judgmental, and/or otherwise unaware.

It’s Not That We Can’t !

SENSING DANGER

Stop in Your tracks,

Ears pricked up,

Life depends on it

Small Percentage of

Listening Potential Normally

Used

CHALLENGE OF LISTENING

Speech – 250 words/minuteWord Processing > 800 words/min

How does one use the 2/3’s of the time not registering spoken words?

FAILINGS OF THE “BLIND GUIDE”

Lack of Experience – inability or too little practice in prayer

Lack of Sensitivity - not sensing God’s call to directee or director

Possessiveness - not attending to personal inordinate attachments

St John of the Cross

Poor Skills at

Listening to God and

Self

Three Aspects of Listening

• Barriers to Listening

• Preparing to Listen

• Being a Listener

Barriers to Listening

Barriers to Listening

• Lack of Know-How• Poor Use of Silence• External Pressures & Internal

Vulnerabilities• Individual Makeup & Conflicting

Agendas• Performance / Problem-Solving

Orientation• Emotions• Cultural Differences• Time and Place• Presumptuous Advice• Burn-Out / Judging

Barriers to Listening

Lack of Know-How

• Direction ≠ “Get Your Message Across”

• Personal Prayer Experience ‘s Value

• Secondary – Helping Others in Prayer

• Primary – Helping Director Listen

Barriers to Listening

Poor Use of Silence

• Interrupting to Show Non-Agreement

• Talking to Fill Silence

• Talking to Cover Helplessness

Barriers to Listening

External Pressures Internal

Vulnerabilities • Daily / Personal Demands

• Work Pressures

• Insecurities

• Egocentricism

“All bad habits of non-listening share the proclivity to talk [or

concentrate] on self rather than listen to the other… When we seem to listen,

but focus instead on ourselves, we give [hear] our views, our feelings,

our advice, our opinions, our experience.”

Drs Donoghue & Siegel

Barriers to Listening

Individual Makeup Conflicting Agendas

Barriers to Listening

Individual Makeup Conflicting Agendas• Collaboration

Experience

• Personality Type

• Differing Expectations

• Fears / Defensiveness

• Perpetuating Roles

• Personal Dislikes

• Multi-Tasking Capability

• Differing Perspectives and/or Experiences

• “Me-Too” Syndrome

• Maturity

• Trust in Processes

Barriers to Listening

Performance / Problem-Solving

Orientation• Avoiding “Sage on Stage”/Fixer

• Problems Can’t be Solved till Desires and Issues are Fully Understood

• “Must Fix Myself” Director - Out of Touch w. Role, Builds Dependencies

Barriers to Listening

Emotions• Strong Emotions can evoke “Fix-it”

mode• “Over-Empathy” can blind a

Director• Director Emotions can be

Unmanageable

Directee emotions can

limit direction, depth of probing,

receptivity to input .

Barriers to Listening

Cultural Differences

Cultural Filters Unavoidable – Affecting:

• How We Routinely Behave• How We Work• How We Communicate• How We Listen / Interpret• How We Assume / Judge

Barriers to Listening

Time and Place

• Having a Bad Day

• Hunger / Sleep Patterns

• Interruptions / Distractions

• Seating Arrangements

• Adjoining Appointments

Barriers to Listening

Presumptuous Advice1.We fully understand

situation.

2.Hearer knows we understand.

3.We have the correct advice.

4.Hearer wants our advice.

5.Hearer wouldn’t have thought of the advice his/herself.

6.Hearer is able to execute the proposal.

A House

of Cards

Barriers to Listening

Burn-Out / Judging• Fatigue

• Lack of Resolve

• Arrogance

• Dismissiveness of Inviduality

• Cutting Listening Corners

• Counter-Transference of Issues

---- >Leaping to Judgment

Preparing to Listen

• Be Aware of Listening Barriers

• Constancy in Prayer and Direction

• Build Skills and Stamina thru Practice

• Pray for Directee(s)

• Contemplate before Encounters

• Evaluate Encounters

Preparing to Listen

Be Aware of Listening Barriers

“Self -

Consciousness –

In- Action”

Preparing to Listen

Constancy in Prayer & Direction

“Unless we understand

ourselves, we are not able to understand

anyone else.”Drs Donoghue & Siegel

Preparing to Listen

Build Skills and Stamina thru

Practice• Listening Well takes

Skill

• Listening Well for an Entire Meeting takes Stamina

• Good Listening Can be Exhausting !!

Preparing to Listen

Pray for Directee(s)

• FOCUS – After all, This is all About Them !

• Frequent Prayer Intentions Become Natural Listening

Intentions

Preparing to Listen

Contemplate before Encounters

“The quiet mind makes possible an overall awareness

of the total situation.”

Ram Dass and Paul Gorman

Preparing to Listen

Evaluate Encounters

• What Skills

were Used Well?

• What Barriers

Came into Play?

Being a Listener• Invoke the “True Director” • Affirm• Pay Attention• Monitor Your Listening• Withhold Judgment• Reflect / Clarify / Probe• Summarize• Share (maybe)• Give Thanks

Being a Listener

Invoke the “True Director “

“To him whose power at work in us is able to accomplish more than we could ask or even conceive, to him be glory “ (Eph 3:20)

Being a Listener

Affirm

• Opening of Self

• No “Bad” Feelings

• Giving of Self

• Desire for God

• Dedication

• Progress

Being a Listener

Pay Attention

“Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will

certainly not enter it” (Mark 10:13-16)

Be open, dare to ask, welcome the promise,

be in the moment !

Being a Listener

Pay Attention

• What is Said?

• What is Not Said?

• What is Said by Body Language?

• Tone of Voice?

• Does Speaker Seem to feel Heard?

Being a Listener

Monitor Your Listening• Your Values and

Attitudes - Operative and Displayed

• Attitude toward Directee at the Moment

• Emotions interfering with your Listening

• How you might be more effectively present

Being a Listener

Withhold Judgment

• Practice Empathy

• Keep and Indicate your Open Mind

• Acknowledge Uniqueness

• Be Patient to Complete Listening

Being a Listener

Reflect / Clarify / Probe• Paraphrase Information and Emotions

• Ask Open-Ended Clarifying Questions

• Simple & Single How/What Questions

• Minimize Why Questions when Probing

• Respect Boundaries, Readiness to Delve

• Pause as Needed to Collect Thoughts

• Assure Confirmation of Understanding

Being a Listener

Summarize

• Brief Restatement of Core Themes

• PURPOSE - Help Other “See” What Was Said

Being a Listener

Summarize

“My words don’t make you understand; only your words make you

understand.”

Cheri Huber, Zen teacher

Being a Listener

Share (maybe)

• Only When Necessary

• Only After Listening Completely

• Invite the Other to Hear/Listen to You

• Specify Your Sharing is Vital

Being a Listener

Give Thanks

So …Are You a Good Listener?

LISTENING : The ONLY Doorway

- to -Fulfillment / Recognition

Connection / Intimacy

Comfort

Insight

Self – Acceptance

- and -

LIBERATION !

“When my students ask for a single rule of thumb for good listening, I often tell them:

“Set an intention. Fire the desire. Find ways to feed the impulse to become a

better listener.” It’s out of the recognition of the real power inherent in skillful

listening, and the desire to acquire such skills, that the real creative juice of this

practice flows.

Being at ease with the possibility of being the worst listener in the world is an important aspect to integrate into one’s practice! “

Mark Brady

“Listening is perhaps like batting in baseball: connecting one time out of three is good enough to

achieve excellence and be voted into the Hall of Fame”

Mark Brady

“Spiritual Listening”

Takes

the ing with

the s of the

HEARTARTHEART

of

HEAREAR

Mark Brady

“Spiritual Listening”

Takes

the ing with

the s of the

HEART

ARTHEART

of HEAREAR

Mark Brady

Reading ListBrady, Mark (ed.), (2003). The Wisdom of Listening. Boston MA:

Wisdom Publications.

Donoghue, Paul J. & Siegel, Mary E. (2005). Are You Really Listening: Keys to Successful Communication, Notre Dame IN: Ave Maria Press.

Dunn, R. R. (2001). Shaping the Spiritual Life of Students: A Guide for Youth Workers, Pastors, Teachers, and Campus Ministers. Downers Grove IL: Intervarsity Press.

Egan, G. (1986). The Skilled Helper: A Systematic Approach to Effective Helping. Monterey CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing.

Hart, Thomas H. (1980), The Art of Christian Listening. Ramsey NJ, Paulist Press.

Hoppe, M. H. (2006). Active Listening: Improve Your Ability to Listen and Lead. Greensboro NC: Center for Creative Leadership.