27 October 2013

Why do I do the things I do? I have been doing the same question to myself for a few years now but never found myself capable to answer it. A couple of days ago I Google image searched my best friend since I never saw him face to face or on the webcam. The entire search that I have done has confirmed that my friend is who he says he is.

That is not all, my craziness doesn’t stop here I told him everything about it and of course he wasn’t the most happy guy on earth and he has all the rights to feel so because I didn’t trust him.

Deep down in my heart it feels like I betrayed our friendship. In the back of my mind I know that I might never see him face to face and that kills me. You might be asking yourself why, doesn’t she buy a plane ticket and go to see him? There is a wide sea between thinking about doing a thing and actually doing it.

I can’t do it for two reasons first of all I am still a student therefore I can’t afford the ticket. The second is because my health won’t allow such a long trip. A bigger issue is that he has the same problems. I never thought that I could feel so comfortable talking to a person I never met in person.

At the end of the day he is one of the few people in my life who accepts me how I am no matter how weird I am, he is always by my side I don’t know the reason but I think of this guy every second of the day what is happening to me? Anyway now I need to rest because tomorrow I have school and I have a pretty busy day.

See you later

Ale

28 October 2013

Before I went to bed I asked my best friend to forgive me and thank god he forgave me even throw I hurtled him a lot I can’t think of my future without his

friendship. For some reason when we don’t talk at some time during the day I feel like a part of me is missing.

Not very long ago I had to undergo a surgery for a pump to be implanted in my tummy under the skin. A couple of weeks before I fell in love with a guy from America so much so I thought he was my soul mate and I wished to marry him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him he accepted to marry me and he wanted to move in with me in Malta. Meanwhile I went to the hospital to prepare for my operation.

Next day all the tests were good so I was ready to have my surgery done, they knock me out and the next thing I remember was calling the guy’s name. Just after I got out of the hospital and (I need to thank my mum who had to stay all the time with me day and night and the doctors and nurses who took care of me in my recovery).

When I got home I signed in on Facebook and found out that my ‘boyfriend’ was seeing another girl. At that moment I felt like the world is going to fall on me but I was paralyzed no feelings at all just shocked.

After sending tones of messages wanting to know why he did that to me finally I got a message from him saying that I was too ‘sexual’ for his taste. I think I said enough for one day.

See you later

Ale

29 October 2013

I guess everyday is a new day. Today I applied for the a’ levels exams that I will be doing in May. Today I was forced to come face to face with my condition which is cerebral palsy in my case it affect both my hands and legs.

Even if it’s very painful and very slow for me to type I haven’t gave up on my dream of publishing my own book. I just hope that I will be strong enough to fulfil all my dreams.

I know it’s pretty easy to give up on your own self and to make it worse life works against your dreams but in life dreams are the things that make life worth living and fighting for it.

Ale

30 October 2013

Why do I feel so much like a fish out of water? Well today I was with some of my classmates and end it up talking on what they are going to eat for lunch then one of them asked me what I ate and when I told her.

She said that it was a very small amount of food to stay for the rest of the day with and by her telling me that. My mind went back to the darkest moments in my past and to be honest I am not very keen about sharing this.

I was around 15 at the time and I started to see my body getting bigger and bigger then I started cut on the fat and sugar and then on all the food. The only thing I ‘ate’ was one chocolate milk not to sleep on the desk during school.

After a few weeks my hair started to fall out, my gums were getting red and hurting me but the only thing that I was seeing was that I was getting bigger in size.

By this time my family was getting very worried and tried to feed me so many times but I always found a trick on how to hide the fact that I am not eating and exercising which I did during the night and no one knew it. I had to take treatment and won the battle against the condition. Life is beautiful so try and enjoy it.

Ale

31 October 2013

It’s the night before Halloween but to say it all I am not a big fan of scary things. Life is scary enough I don’t think my heart can take much more. Today

it’s the first raining day after a hot summer to be honest I like rainy days because it bring back some very beautiful flashbacks.

Ok I can’t hide it anymore. I am in love with a guy and every time I smile is because I am thinking of him. We are very good friends but inside I know he is out of reach.

He is a very kind hearted guy but I don’t think he feels the same way I am feeling and apart from that he lives at the other end of the world. I fear that I will never know how he feels about me. At least I hope that we will keep our friendship alive.

I think the best thing I can do for myself is to live one day at time and one step at time. One step for is to try to accept myself as I am because I am not very good at that. It’s time for a nap. All the love in the world for everyone I care about.

Ale

1 November 2013

The storm that we had just ended but the storm of feeling I have inside is yet to start. I had a chat the guy I like and no I haven’t been clear to him about my feelings for him and not sure if I ever will. I am scared that I will hurt him if I haven’t already done that.

When we talked this morning I felt so close to him but I could sense that he was upset with something I didn’t know if I should ask what was bothering or not mention to him because I don’t want to feel that I am over protective but at the end I didn’t because I thought he would be bothered by me.

I managed to hold back my tears. The thing I can’t understand is how my life is turning around a guy I never met in person anyway I am tired and I am going bed hopefully to catch some sleep sweet dreams.

Ale

2 November 2013

Today after a couple of years it was time to face part of my past and trying to find who I am. Today I closed a scar that I carried with me for a long time. I went to do a visit to the place that I used to train at and I met the friends I used train with again.

There I got to know a guy that later on, like every human being we fell in love we had many imperfections. He is guy I was most happy with but at the same time he is the one who hurt me the most in my life. Today when he saw he became as pale as a ghost thank god we are in the Halloween week.

Love is very hard to understand so I understand if he is still hurt but for me it’s time to move on now and learn to accept myself with the good things and bad things that I made. It’s getting late so it’s better that I go to bed good night.

Ale

3 November 2013

It has been a long weekend full of surprises but at least I am one step closer on discovering who I am. It looks like that you can’t live your future if you have got over your past and accept all your mistake and I hope that one day I will be able to say sorry to all the people hurtled or cause sadness to and maybe they will accept my apologies.

Ale

4 November 2013

Till a few year I would bet on the fact that I would never fall in love a guy and the reason is that guys haven’t been very nice to me in past. One day I was bored and signed up on a dating site and started speaking to different people. I

made some great friendship and relationships there. A photo pop up of a guy and I could see it in his eyes that he wasn’t like everybody else.

After thinking about it for a couple of hours I decided to send him a message and to my surprise after a few seconds he replied then I gave him my skype name and believe it or not I think he is the one who know the really me. Sometime is good to open up to people because the love and care from a human being can’t be replaced by anything else.

Ale

5 November 2013

Today, since it’s pretty dark and cloudy day reminds me of twists and turns in life. Like everyone else. I had and have my dark side. The huge nightmares started from my first year of secondary school. I was shy and not the most beautiful girl in the world adding top that was the fact that I am in a wheelchair.

After a few weeks trouble begin they took the keys and staled my book and when I opened my locker I couldn’t find any of my book and I didn’t know how to explain that to my teacher. After all the yelling from the teacher the lesson continued when the lesson finished we went for the break when the break ended I opened my locker again and I found the books.

One day I was in my P.E lesson and a girl hit me on my forehead with a basket ball. I think you know when a person did something by mistake or because she wanted to do so, worsen the teacher didn’t even care to check if I was all right

The bullying didn’t stop there. They commented about my body and my family and of course I hurtled me a lot some might say that a school should be like a home but in my case everyday when I entered the school doors I use to shake like a leaf with fear.

I begin to get sick and I asked my parents to move schools just because I couldn’t take it anymore so they allowed me to move schools. My first day at the new school arrived and I have to say that everyone was very welcoming at

my first day and very kind during all the time that I studied there. I was capable to make some friend there too.

I also need to thank my l.s.a (learning support assistant) who with all the patients in the world help me to study for my exams. Now I need to go and have my dinner take care

Ale

6 November 2013

Many might ask how I ended up with cerebral palsy. I was born premature at six months but I was fully developed and within a few hours I was capable to breathe on my own. In the mean time they did a mistake by putting me in the wrong incubator for premature babies. Later on, my parents talked with the doctors who found out that I had lack of oxygen for five minutes that caused a part of my brain to not work right and that makes me unable to walk.

At eight years old my hands started to get sleepy and painful after lots of tests the doctors found out that the condition in not only in my legs but in my hands too. I remember the doctor telling me that I might end up losing all the feeling in my hands to be honest I fell like the world is going to end. After year or so I had to stop writing by hand because my hands really hurtled me if I tried.

Another is that nobody on earth could understand my hand writing. Now I am even finding it hard to type but I will never give up on the dream of having my own book published.

All my love

Ale

7 November 2013

Since the weekend is near my mind went back to the innocent and carefree girl that I was. I used to spend most of my weekend with my aunt at her house she also took care of me when my mum couldn’t do so.

Something I remember very clear is when I was at my aunt’s house and my mum told me not to use the watercolours because I would do a mess (and nowadays I think she was right) but when she left my aunt brought out all the plastic that she had in the house and coved me and my wheelchair with it even if I looked like I was going to do a surgery on somebody or something like that all she cared about was my happiness then she started to play with me.

Once I had to spend all my summer holidays at the hospital on a bed with weight to get my hips back in their place. My dog didn’t want to eat because he missed me so my aunt decide that she would bring my dog to see me so she needed to find a way to bring him .

There was one problem because dogs aren’t allowed to enter a hospital. So she made some holes in her handbag and she put him in her handbag and told him to stay quiet he obeyed and when she came to visit me she closed the door and opened her handbag and when he saw me he jumped on the bed and he was lost with joy.

Then he heard the nurse coming and he went to hide under the covers so that she can’t see him but now I have a headache so I better have a nap see you later

Ale

8 November 2013

Today my heart is in a war but my white knight is far away. To be honest I know that he is mad at me but all I want is to care for him even if he would want me only as a friend I wouldn’t mind.

Sometimes he makes me feel like I am in heaven and sometimes he makes me feel like I am in hell. There is one thing I wouldn’t never do is force him to love me.

I try to be a good friend although I don’t always succeed in that because deep down in my heart I wish that we are closer. My nightmare is that something happens to him and I lose him. That would be a very big issue because he is the only one that is able to calm me down when I am about to explode.

Ale

9 November 2013

To be honest I don’t understand why we judge each other so much! I mean we all belong to the same human race for god’s sake but most of the time we see each other as if we were monsters. I know what it feels like because it happens to me every time I entre a room or meet a new person because the first thing they see is my wheelchair and once they start to know me the real me shines out .

What I am trying to say is that we misjudge a lot and even if a person has all the right cards we will find a way or a reason to judge him or her. We live on the same plant for heaven’s sake. I wrote a poem to one of my based on this thought.

The perfect world in my eyes

From all the pastIs the happiness that least!Every day is historyBut life is still a mystery

Life is full of loveSend from up aboveThe past is told But the future is still unfold

When tears start to flowLet your heart to glowWar has no place So let’s live in pace

Life is full of joy But it’s up to you to enjoy

I think life is worth living in the good days and in the bad days always remember that in every cloud there is a silver lining. See you.

Ale

10 November 2013

Why are we so taken back by emotion of fear? In my opinion and you might disagree with me but I believe that the feeling of fear starts during birth. I am the type of girl that needs to have control on everything that happens in my life and one of my biggest fear is losing total control on my own self and is the main reason is that when a person begins to know me the person becomes part of me so that why it takes me some time to trust a somebody.

On the each hand not everything in life can be controlled and sometimes I don’t trust not even myself can put me a step further away from the new and amazing thing in life. I need to let go and life to the full. This is the only life that we have to life so we might as well enjoy it. See you!

Ale

11 November 2013

I must say I never felt so of out control come it comes to love. How can be in love with someone I haven’t saw face to face. I know I can’t hold back anymore every time his name pop up a smile appears on my face and I leave everything I was doing to chat with him.

I mean he is there to listen to every word that comes out of my mouth even if it’s the silliest word in the world he is there every day. I don’t know how he does it he is able to cope with every mood I have. Even if he is miles apart talking with him feels very comfortable.

The issue is that I don’t want to get my hopes and then they will drop to the floor and break my heart in million pieces. There is even the possibility that he

meets someone that he likes and he forgets of me I can’t tell a lie I will get a bit jealous but that means is that I care or I am a monster?

I am living the dream of other girls in the shoe. The best is to hold on the happiness that he gives me but I own him the word because he gave me something I didn’t have on the inside the happiness that everyone should have because it is the happiness that fulfils our lives.

Ale

12 November 2013

Life is like a flower which is beautiful on the outside but has poison on the inside. Well sometimes I wish I was a robot like that I won’t hurt anyone with them. Sometimes when you inhale the smell of a guy or a girl you will never forget it and its the beauty of love because if you fall in love with someone even if you try your hardest you will never forget him.

Love can’t be bought or force I myself had to pass throw relationship with guys who think in different ways. There is some life lessons that you can’t learn from the books you only learn them and face them the only way we can do so it’s from life itself that we can learn and more who much you learn you never learn enough in life. I love you

Ale

13 November 2013

Does everyone deserve love? Once I spoke to guy who is in a wheelchair like me. Who comment that being a guy and have a special need it becomes harder to get to know women or possibly get into a relationship with someone I can’t tell if it’s true or not since I am not a guy.

It’s from every human nature that we step back and start to know the person and trust them first and then you tell them the imperfections and weakness that you might but when the imperfection can’t be hidden to the eye. It works

the other way round which of course make hard to get to know someone you like

I believe that is alright when you take changes with someone with you would never talk to because you never know you might become friends or even fall in love. See you

Ale

14 November 2013

I had been staring at the ceiling for hours trying to understand how I felt yesterday. I wasn’t jumping for joy. Today after a month or so me and a guy I was very close regain our friendship. On one side I am happy that he is doing fine on the other side I am still hurt of happened between us.

The chances are that I still love him but my heart still hurt to able to feel it at the time being. To tell the truth I think he is still hurt about what happened in our relationship. I know that an error from my side could cost our friendship and I don’t want to lose his friendship for anything in the world I hope that all the world in full with pace and happiness. Good night to all

Ale

15 November 2013

Yesterday the guy I liked told me to stop dreaming about him because it is most probable that we never meet and I think he is right. On the other hand me and the guy I wanted to married and spend the rest on my life with in back into my life in a friendship relationship and I doubt if that if ever change.

One day my best friend at that time wrote on facebook that he is going to the army I remember I took the biggest shock in my life I couldn’t handle and I couldn’t do anything about it because it is not my life I cried for three days then decided to tell him the truth about my feelings for him.

The truth was that I had a huge crash on him and I ask him to be my boyfriend he told me he felt the same way about me and that he feels the same about

me (he lives in America and I live in Malta) a couple of weeks after I had a call telling me that I will be having a surgery in the same week and believe it or not I asked him to marry me.

The day before I was about to under the surgery he told me that he wanted to marry me and that he wanted to come here and move in with me. I said what happened to us already the issue is that I ran before I learned how to walk. I think that something which wasn’t meant to be can’t become I have no hater it for the guy he moved on with his life and I hope him all the best but now it is time to move on with mine who knows maybe later on I find someone who is ready to love me and care for me. See you

Ale

16 November 2013

Today I am stressed by family issues that I feel like my body and mind are drowning on land. In life learn to build your shell and deal with the problems of life but sometimes it can become a bit over welling. Many see crying as a weakness I see as a method to heal the body and free the mind

A newborn needs to cry to start breathing and fill his lungs with oxygen so crying is the first thing that we do so if we see crying in a different way crying can help you breathe when the world gives you no air.

Ale

17 November 2013

How are my real friends? This isn’t something I like talking about but since a lot of teens is being wrapped in the same spider web. Nowadays we are using and depending more and more on the internet and the social network to create a relationship with other people.

Most of the guys that I met from the websites most of them just want me to get naked and when I say no they block me. The main reason I say no it that I

hold respect for my body and my region and to be honest I am glad that they block me.

As you might guess I have few friends but I know that they aren’t my friends to use my brain or my mind. They are the ones I am ready to put my hand on fire for them.

Ale

18 November 2013

One of the thoughts that when throw my head today was that the most painful way of hurt a people by living like he doesn’t make part of your life anymore. When you beat somebody up you can wound him and he will the chance to heal someday and I am not saying that it’s acceptable to beat up someone far from it

When you say a negative comment especial if it on a social network were the entire world can see it, he or she will be marked with that comment even worst get a nickname will end only when you die. Even if do you it as a joke.

The ugliest way to hurt a person is when you cut him out of your life. In this case the side if he cares enough feels like he is eating his own heart. Sometime we do it without knowing that we are doing it. The best way is to close our mouth and hear the person and this can difficult because our life is like a full speed car without breaks and the cost of that is less communication skills.

Ale

19 November 2013

I thought I wanted to stay single for now but I was wrong once more. So can say that I am in a long distant relationship it is not what I planned but true love is unconditional and it is something you can’t force even if you try.

When you in love with a guy that is at the other end of the world it’s harder to make it out between the couple it’s quiet hard when you can’t share your

feelings with someone you adore. On the side of the coin when you need your own space to think you can have it.

I am at a point in my life that I am ready to move in with him and have a family with him which means that I will be far away from my own family you might say that I am too young to have a family or that he won’t be able to cope with my disability. My answer to all of that is that if our love is strong enough we will find a way to cope with life but only time will tell.

Ale

20 November 2013

How can I know who is the right person for you? I know that guys are a mystery. There is the guy that I have a serious relationship with and don’t get me wrong he is very care and kind. The problem is that when I speak to my best friend I hear my heartbeat coming out my chest.

I don’t know what to do. I have mix feelings about two of the most people I care about. I don’t want to hurt them for anything in the world. At the same time I want to be happy. My mind is non-stop I am just very confused about the way I am feeling.

My biggest fear is that they wouldn’t understand how I am feeling and they both leave my life. I don’t mean to be selfish but they are the ones that listen to me when I am down so I need both of them in my life even if in different relationships.

Ale

21 November 2013

The last thing that I thought of before I went to bed was that my heart and my head are playing two different games. My heart is deeply in love and my mind is troubled about my values and believes. Each one of us has its own values and believes.

The fact that my boyfriend doesn’t have the same believes. Which means that if choose to have a family with them, I need to learn new believes or change mine and It’s not that easy. The values are the things that make me who I am.

I am finding it as hard as I had to accept my disability and to say it all the type of cerebral palsy I have is one of the more rare types there is, for that reason It took me a bit more time to accept my disability it’s like you have a big bite of food and you can’t chew all at ones.

Ale

22 November 2013

Thanks to my best friend who took some time from his day and have a chat with me. I was able to clear my head and select what’s the best for me for ones I realized that the step that I was going to take was too big for me.

I know that this might caused pain to the other side. So I thought that the best thing I could do is to leave the relationship. The thing is that I don’t think I was or could cope with the relationship that he needed to serve his needs.

To be totally honest for last the four months or so, I fell in love with a guy and still am. The problem is that my imperfection won me over and I lost him. When we were together I felt the most amazing feeling I ever had in my life. In my eyes you could see my soul.

Ale

23 November 2013

Yesterday I couldn’t bear the pain any longer so I had to tell him how I am feeling I told him and he didn’t even say one word. It feels like he forced a knife right into my heart. I think it could be easier if he just said to me you are not the girl I want.

At the moment I don’t know I should continue talking to him so just stop because I don’t know what his feelings towards me are. It feels like an unfair

game that we are playing. To a certain point I feel that he is at one side of the globe and I the other like that I am able to hold on to myself.

I still remember the first time that I met him. The first thing that caught my eye was that in the photo with him there was a wild lizard and even through when I saw the every hair in my body stood up since I have a huge fear of lizards. When he said that in the area where he lived also lived a number of wild animals I guess you it’s something I am very interested in and maybe in the future I hope that I will be able to see them up close.

Ale

24 November 2013

Christmas is in the doorstep, in this time of the year it’s a bitter sweet time for me when a killer condition hit me. The time when I thought that my life wasn’t worth it and why I call the bitter sweet time because in the same way I was able to see the love that my family gave me.

If even I had to relearn how to live a happy and fulfilled life and although in along the road I hurtled the most people who supported me and they left my life and they had a lot of reason to do so. They love me more than I love myself

Well it’s was the time were I had to fight a battle with my own self. It felt like I was a wild animal fighting not to be a prey to bigger animal. Even through, I had a lot of people who cared of me the feeling of sadness haunted me. In my case none the pills helped the only thing that helped were the happy moments in my family.

Ale

25 November 2013

I think today is the day in which I am ready to open my heart with you guy. When a baby is born with a disability or an accident that happened which end up with special needs therefore making all the individual’s needs to depend on other people?

This may cause friction between the parents as in my case when one of the parents doesn’t really accept the child or adult needs. In my case he doesn’t really accept my disability which means that he doesn’t accept his own blood.

You can only guess how many ugly comments were said to me. There was a time in my life were I had to go out of the house and I lived only with mum or with my aunt. As I grew older, this only made me raise my bar which only made me work harder. Hopeful I will enter adulthood and be responsible for myself. I plead you to never stop smile because this can make somebody’s day.

Ale

26 November 2013

Since many people ask me on sex and sexual active. Probable there will be who are going to eat me alive but at the other side of the coin there are people who ask me and I think that they deserve a fair and honest answer.

To start with I am not the keenest person when it comes to does things I am not shy to say that in the region that I believe in suggests the adult stuff should be done in marriage. If I look at does thing at a lens outside my region if you love somebody I can’t see the reason why you have to stay away from him or her.

As in my case one of the most question that they ask me is this do you feel all your body parts and the answer yes and most people with cerebral feel all their body part but again you will have to see the case of the person.

Ale

27 November 2013

Today reminds me of the day when my mum brought me to the world. She told me that it was a very cold day. It all started in the year before the day that my parents got married I am the first born in the family, therefore making me the oldest.

After me there were two baby brothers who are in heaven protecting us. Seven years after my mum got pregnant again and my sister came alone. The first time I saw my girl I compared her to a little baby turtle. I know it’s funny but that’s the first thing I thought of her.

I had bigger needs than my sister so my parents had to spend more time on than my sister. It’s not that they didn’t care or love the thing is that she couldn’t see it. When she grew older she is more able to understand our lifestyle.

Ale

28 November 2013

When we reach our early teens we all imagine the perfect soul mate. Some of us find the person for them straight away. Many of us as in my case will need a bit more time to be in the right relationship for my needs and lifestyle.

Since the human characteristic behaviour is very similar to that of animals and to a matter of fact I think that we belong to the animal kingdom. If we see it from that point of view like animals it might become very hard for us to live alone when it comes to love.

As I grew older I found out that the guys that I hated early in my life. They the ones who I was falling in love with and I think that’s why they call it crazy little love because at some point it’s pretty crazy at the same time I think that no human being should be brought up without love.

Ale

29 November 2013

Every one of us needs someone to pull him from his head and tell him that he is worth it from somebody on earth. If it isn’t for my best friend I would have the feeling that I only belong to the dustbin.

Of course I wish that I was a beauty goddess or a millionaire as most of us does but if I look at it from the side of the coin my body imperfection make me unique. If I become a millionaire will I be happy or end up addicted to drugs or alcohol?

It’s not that I don’t feel sad that I can’t afford a trip to go and see my best friend face to face because let’s say it all he is the only one who keep my life wheel running. I don’t know how does it but when he helps me in my life issues he is able talk me throw thing even if I am a very strong minded lady and I don’t think that will ever change...

Ale

30 November 2013

As soon as I entered my class this morning my friends were discussing the songs that passed for the Malta Eurovision song contest. I said to them that I have a friend who applied with song which yesterday didn’t pass for the semi final.

The next thing she is that my good friend is in relationship with a guy. To be honest I knew this guy for four years or so. It took him two years to tell me the truth. I still remember that day very well. That day I know that he was sad and as every good friend should do I asked him what was wrong.

His next comment was that he was sad because his boyfriend left him and I told him that I think I misunderstood him and that It. he must be talking about a girlfriend not a boyfriend but I he told me that I understood right and that he was gay.

At first I can’t lie that a had a bit of a shock but at the end of the day who am I to judge another human being if people would judge me I would be very hurt so I better work on my imperfections and not pick on other. Try to think before you speak.

Ale

1 December 2013

There is something that I notice in my teen’s years or even before. That certain people who said that they were my friends we stopped talking to me if we were in public. The only the only two ways for them to speak to me is at my home or on the on the internet.

When I ask them why they are doing this the answer was that they were shy about the fact that I am with special needs. This is that use to hurt me a lot and caused low self-esteem and bad thoughts on self image

I believe since all of us label on another at a moment or another. Many people might have passed from it or unfortunately are still passing from it. Nowadays that I am close to adulthood I know the truth is that they aren’t and weren’t good friends in the first place.

Ale

2 December 2013

Life can be compared to different music notes, some sad some happy I dreamt a dream. In my dream I saw and heard my best friend who told me to never give up. I know it’s silly but that dream made me feel powerful and comfortable with myself.

It’s something that I can’t really explain but it’s a dream that filled my heart with fire but at the same time my body is shaking. Sometime he makes me like I can reach heaven and other times he makes me like I am deep into hell.

His feelings are the most unreadable when he chats to me a lot. He doesn’t really talk about his feelings and I can understand why. I guess the main reason is that we never met each other so it’s very hard to full trust a person like that.

Ale

3 December 2013

What does it mean when you dream think and day dreaming on the same person? I think it’s useless that my mind can’t stop thinking of him. This is for two main he is far away and I don’t think I am the right person for me.

I don’t know really know my future only my crater knows what is going to happen in my life looking forward for the amazing surprises that holds for me not so much looking forward for the bad ones but I am capable for sure that I can cope with them too.

It could be that my frog hasn’t yet turned into the beautiful prince I dream for. This means that I have to wait a bit longer and I am in no hurry. I have to admit that god gave me angels to share my life with.

Ale

4 December 2013

I have to admit that I feel at cross-roads yesterday I told my best friend straight and plain how I feel about him. He made it very clear that he has different feelings for me. The fact that I had to tell the same thing to my admirers

It makes me feel guilty that I might cause the same pain to another human being and the physical pain is anything compared to this pain. A pain that, no painkiller is strong enough to remove it. A powerful fear is that he might step out of my life.

I mean in love there is no right or wrong thing. There is no explanations to be done it’s something that happen in the human race. But what to do his or her heart doesn’t belong to you? My answer is base on what I feel in my heart. Sometimes he hurts me deeply but I shut up because I don’t want to hurt him.

Ale

5 December 2013

Well to tell you the truth I am a bit worried I haven’t spoke to my best friend from yesterday. It’s not like not to text me. Maybe he is busy with some girl (I am just pulling his leg). I have a lot of mix feelings.

So I guess the best thing to do is to go to is when I will have enough money I will have a trip to the United Kingdom. I wish to be able to match up to my family roots. From the little information that my aunt told before she passed was that I was a photocopy of her dad (he is my granddad) and she also told me that my granddad lived in London before he came to Malta.

With a bit of luck and planning ahead I would be able to kill to two birds with one stone and have the chance to meet my best friend. This is the dream that makes me work harder for school exams and to for the haut a good job.

Ale

6 December 2013

Today I want to about drugs more and more young people are talking drugs. As we all know teens like myself, know very why their friends are talking drugs and the chances that if they fall over the peer pressure that very soon you will be addicted to drugs themselves.

Every single step that I take in my life I think of my family first and I know how it will break my family apart. What if I end up having an overdose and get paralyzed but that is if my body is strong enough to fight against the drug.

My body isn’t my property it’s a gift given from my parents so it’s not my given right to destroy it from the face of the earth. I understand very well that it’s not the easiest thing to be able to live without the addiction of drugs therefore the best way is to be open and able to accept treatment to start a new life. Take care

Ale

7 December 2013

Here we go again, yesterday a guy on Facebook asked me out on a date. Now there is two possible or he is real and like me thus he wants to take me out or his profile is fake and he just want to have a laugh.

I mean it’s not nice to play with someone else feelings because I don’t know yet. His profile looks fishy three friends only, and there are only four pictures on his profile and since he told me that he is a dj I search him and anything pop up. I am sure that with the job that he does if he was real his name would show up somewhere on the web.

I know how it feels when a person lies about who they are. A bit of time ago there was a person on a social network how made up a fake profile and started talking to me. We became friends but he said that he had feelings for me...

Ale

8 December 2013

A thought that came across my mind after I wrote yesterday’s write up that it was thanks to a fake profile that I made a great friendship with a very kind person. In the same period that was starting to this person I noticed that he was hiding things from me.

Later on, meanwhile our friendship continued to grow he told what he was hiding from me he was suffering from depression. I had depressing moments in my life so I could understand what he was feeling a bit better.

Not that I wasn’t sad about the fact that he lied about who he was and his image and it took a bit of time to understand the reasons why behind of what he did. Last time I spoke to him he was in his last year on medical I wish him the best of luck

Ale

9 December 2013

Today at school we discussed different lifestyles and the point of view when it comes to religious issues. One of the main issues that Malta had been discussing is the laws when it comes to gay marriages.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to hurt or offend anyone who is reading this. A close friend of mine is gay and he has anything different from my other friends who are straight. So I can’t really see why we do such a face when we see a gay couple together.

If gay marriages ever become legalises in Malta by the government there will be another issue is. Should a gay couple have the option of adopting a child? You might disagree but in my opinion a child needs both a female and a male (if possible). The motherhood is different from the fatherhood is quiet important for the child. Hugs

Ale

10 December 2013

To be honest while my mates were discussing who is going to be their date for the school dance, I looked down at my fingers it’s a hander when you fall in love with a man that doesn’t live in another country. It’s like you love a ghost for your family and friends.

The saying ‘crazy little love’ is so true in my case I have known this guy for a few mouths and yet it feelings like I knew him all my life. Have I found my perfect match? He makes feel feelings I never thought I had.

Every bit that he hates about himself for me it is a beauty which makes him who he is and I want nothing less. An amazing stage in a relationship of any kind is when the other person in the relationship isn’t only able to show the strong parts about him or herself and also the weak parts that he has.

Ale

11 December 2013

Yesterday when I was about to turn off my computer I received a message from one of my ex boyfriend and he said me how I was doing? I said to him that I was going okay; as we continued chatting I was really ready for what he was going to tell next.

He told that he was being physical and the bullies beat it him so much that now he is unable to walk. I say this to all of those who are bullying or abusing a person, you are very cold hearted and you need more help than the ones you are bulling.

For some reason that I can’t explain I was capability to forgive him for all the pain that he that made me feel. When he went offline I switch off my computer. As I was lying down I closed my eyes and I cried. I hope we will stop hurting him.

Ale

12 December 2013

Not long one of my friends from America blocked me because I made him anger and I take the entire fault for that. After I week or so he sent me a friend request and I accepted the request and there is only way I can describe how I felt butterflies in my stomach.

For the first few chats I knew that he had interest in me. Me on other hand I saw as a friend and to say it all at the time that we became friends I was in a relationship with someone else. When he blocked me I felt like something is missing when we became friends again I knew that the missing that was him.

Yesterday he told that he choose Malta for the country in which he wanted to study and that he did all this just to see me my heart started dancing. He knows how to steal a girl’s heart. I still believe that he deserves better than but in the end you can’t fight love can you. He has unconditional love for me and me for him.

Ale

13 December 2013

It’s crazy but for a friend that I have I hold different feelings for each one of them. Every male or female is different. While I was chatting with friend I didn’t know whether stop our friendship and move out of his life and let him breathe own.

Sometimes people need their place or be there for him as to support him as a friend. In some day I feel really stupid because I care for and when certain things are said or done to me. I really doubt if they care the same way for me.

We have to put love in everywhere and everything, the truth is we kind of forgot what really love is like. The media showcase love as the perfect fairytale, in realty everyone is going to be hurt because of love but you need to learn to stand up for yourself and remember that if the other partner sees the weakness and not the beauty in your heart, in my opinion that person has yet to discovery you.

Ale

14 December 2013

At the moment the relationship with my boyfriend is shaking. I didn’t really know how bad this effected my body and my mind till my mind automatic started biting my lip till I was bleeding from my lip.

We sure don’t have the same views when it comes to how we see our. He isn’t shy about showing of his body, when it comes to me I try to cover every inch of my body because I am embarrassed about the scars I have in my body (the scars I have are from all the surgeries that I have done).

My hope is that we both find the light at the end of the tunnel. Be able to rebuild the broken pieces that we have in our intimate life and work on our weakness to make them stronger and ever if we stay as friends is okay too.

Ale

15 December 2013

I know it sounds crazy but at two years I held my still born brother and even if his body has left your world but his soul stayed here to protect his family. There was a time where my life was going downhill.

I had a handful of life trials and when I did feel his protection and felt lonely my brother always sent a person to love and care for me. The extraordinarily thing that I discovery when meeting nice people is that they bring out a part of myself that I don’t know I had.

Last summer I was starting to suffer from depression again. My best friend came along in that period of time. With him I felt me and nobody else and I was able to let my wall down and speak to him about what was going on in my life and release the stress I had.

Ale

16 December 2013

If anyone will ever get to read this I am sure that they will ask themselves: Why Ale is so sad most of the time? One of many reasons is that I begin to writing at a moment where I needed to let go the feelings, moments and negative energy that I was getting from the person around which were drowning me into my own life.

A from the team that use to help me with my disability for me to have an easier and happier lifestyle she told me that I should start to write about who I am and my life. I have two aims while I am writing this dairy.

One of my aims is that if a person is passing from the same situation will have an idea on how I lived some days of my life and find a way to under come them. Another aim is that I say the full truth about myself since a lot of people lied about me.

Ale

17 December 2013

As a gift for Christmas, my boyfriend was mad at me because I didn’t show him my body on the web. I been bullied most of my life and I think it’s time to end this suffering ones and forever. I don’t think he wanted to hurt me as much as he did.

It’s Christmas so I am going to forgive him. To be honest I think the fact that I live far away from him makes him feel guilty another thing is that his parents don’t know about me nor about my disability which makes him feel loneliness about your relationship and me feeling out of place.

If his anger gets into an unbearable point I have no other choice but to end up the relationship with the men I love. This is the time to be strong from the people who beat it me up in many different ways. Stay strong but more important stay the way that you are at all cost.

Ale

18 December 2013

I have to dump my boyfriend who is now my ex and I am not shy to say the reason why I did so is because he couldn’t control temper when it came between me and sexual needs. What surprises me the most is that he wasn’t hurt or sad.

No matter how much a person hurts it’s never easy to remove them from your life. Even if he showed no feelings in the situation I on the other hand felt like someone brought me down to my knees and I didn’t have the energy or the power to stand back up.

Something a bit odd is that my friend who also is my ex boyfriend. To make be clear he is in a relationship and all I care about is his happiness. The amazing is that as a friend this time he took me under his wing for him to protect him and believe me after I spoke I felt the happy me again.

Ale

19 December 2013

We all have our uniqueness but most of the time we don’t appreciate that unique thing that is special in us. I have a handful of presents under the Christmas tree. I got a very beauty and special gift.

A gift which can’t be bought but since we had a fight in the past and we weren’t talking and I thought that I wouldn’t have another chance to become friends with him ones more. So when he wanted to video chatted with me and he saw that he was doing great which filled my heart with joy.

One thing that I pray for and hope for this Christmas is that nobody in my family and the people close to my heart not to be in fights avoiding hurting themselves and others because there is no better gift then the joy and respect from the family.

Ale

20 December 2013

The first situation that welcomed me to adulthood was when the person who meant the world to me ran away from my life when I needed him the most. This week things kind of shifted in my life as I said in yesterday’s writing now our friendship is back on track.

It’s Friday and this week is coming to end god this was a hell of a week! On Tuesday I attended an out thing on fold preparation and tasting of some of the Maltese food and wine and I have say who haven’t tried the Maltese food he is missing out on a lot because it’s slimily mouth watering.

We decided to climb a cliff don’t ask me how I how managed with the wheelchair I just took a deep breath and the next thing I know is that I am at the top. When I saw the gorgeousness of mother I felt the sense of freedom.

Ale

21 December 2013

Yesterday on one of the social networks that I use when I was about to my computer a photograph showed up. It was a photo of from one of my best friend. My body felt colder than that of the winter cold outside.

I noticed that I might still have some raw feelings toward him what I want to mean is I may still have some feelings from our past relationship. I don’t agree with not showing your real feelings to friend but I guess that’s what I have to do for the sake of friendship.

I am trying my best to keep his spits high but how can I do it when I am broken myself and he has no idea that he is hurting me himself. Although I am hurting I would never let him break the heart of the girl that he is dating for me not if he is happy with her. We need to wait and see what will happen in the future.

Ale

22 December 2013

I woke up sick this morning, of course I dream about having my best friends close to me to kill this emptiness but they both live at the two ends of the globe and have different time zones so it’s harder for us to talk.

At the moment one of mates is dating a girl who isn’t treating the way that he deserve to be treated don’t get me wrong that she has problems to solve. Like everyone who is alive at the end of the day but when I see my best falling apart I feel a lot of heartache.

Maybe I should just step back a little and let him finger it out by himself. He knows that I am there for him if he needs but I can’t take control of his life. Who knows maybe one day I will be to fly there and have a chat face to face but that’s all I can do.

Ale

23 December 2013

Today my dad gives us a visit. I haven’t seen him since the start of Christmas break, what do I have say the relationship with my dad isn’t the greatest. One of the reasons would be that since I was little girl I use to spend all the holidays and weekends with my mum and my sister so we haven’t a chance to get to know each other.

This morning I saw it in his eyes telling me sorry for all the times he made me suffer and I think I am not the only one who suffered. When a dad doesn’t know the right way how to protect his daughter might be horrible.

The fact that his daughters are becoming adults’ kind of hit him home that he wasn’t there for the most beautiful parts of my life and that of my sister. I have to say that this holidays are the most amazing holidays that I ever lived because that’s better than family.

Ale

24 December 2013

It’s Christmas Eve some years ago a long story happened. One summer day I was online and met a girl who I didn’t know at the time. We become friends and as I started know her more. She went out of her shell.

She was doing the stuff that some teenager pass throw getting drunk, having unprotect sex and much more. She was like a sister to me. One of my friends started to know her too and that’s when trouble started.

Apparently the other friend that came into the mix was lying about me behind my back. In the meantime I was battling an eating disorder all she was sending me a text telling me that me she couldn’t handle our friendship and that I should leave her alone.

On Christmas Eve I was relaxing in bed and I received a text from her asking me if she could meet at a takeaway in an hour and to be honest I thought she was joking but I had anything more to lose I already lost her friendship so I went and we met in person we talked and became friends again. She made my day and a Christmas Eve to remember.

Ale

25 December 2013

It’s Christmas and it looks like the Christmas miracle is working on me too. During the holidays all that I wasn’t excepting to happen happened. Since my family isn’t the passing from the most magical days at the moment.

I never thought that neither of us will be able to communicate as well in relationship as a family and was one of my Christmas wishes. I feared that I would pass this Christmas alone as I spent the last ones.

To my surprise an awesome guy was capable to break the spell and steal my heart from my chest and fill it with care and happiness. We talked for hours and I am the most random woman the world has ever seen and he is the kind of person that can talk on anything and never get bored of me. I am seeing bight things for us in future and wish for the happiness of both of us.

Ale

26 December 2013

Today it’s boxing the issue is that even my body is boxing because I woke up sick from all the food I ate. To say the full truth I am kind of worried because I haven’t really heard from my best friend in nearly a week.

From what I heard on the news they said that the United Kingdom is having high winds and rain. So that might cost them to have no power, they are to speak to each other everyone. I just hope that he and his family are safe and doing fine.

As I said before I can’t bear losing his friendship cause if that happen some parts of me will leave with him. Thank god right now I have with my boyfriend next to me to comfort me and make me laugh when I am sad. See you later...

Ale

27 December 2013

Yesterday my boyfriend asked me to marry him and I said yes I don’t know if he was joking or serious because I heard that after other people before. On the other side we talked a lot and got to know him quiet well.

If we put your words into action and treat each other good as we are doing we may end up as a married couple at least it’s the plan. I am hoping that anything bad will happen to us. Taking care of a girlfriend who fully depends on you it’s not something that every guy can deal with.

I can tell that I am the only thing in his life that he cares about and he gets really worried when I get sick and it’s the same way for my side. I might need to move to America to live with him and even if that a bit hard for me I would go at the end of the world because I am blind by love.

Ale

28 December 2013

This morning I ate two fortune cookie inside there was this ‘’ Sometimes the smallest give can give you the greatest surprise’’. I fully believe in this quote because it happened to me in first hand. The biggest mistake I did is that I didn’t let my boyfriend enter my heart when I first met him and I am sorry because of what I did

The other statement is ‘’ All the most amazing discoveries happen by accident’’. This is so true you know how I fell in love with my boyfriend? I posted a status on my wall and he said me a question and I answer him.

In life it’s not important on what journey you go but the most important is who you spent your live journey with. I have the opportunity to spend to my holiday and maybe the rest of my life with a unique guy.

Ale

29 December 2013

We are still hanging believe or not and he asked me to marry him. This is my third time that I am discussing married with a guy. My mistake was that I was looking for a partner all I cared was how tall he was, where he lived and stuff like that.

The thing was been done to me by all the guys that liked me I can bet on that. Mostly on how much of my skin I am able to show under the internet and if a guy won’t obey their command they will call her a loser all over the internet.

I am not saying that everyone that is on the internet is like that far from it. I am just suggesting that a person should protect yourself and your money. We need to stop following the modern footsteps which is only were the important is only the looks.

Ale

30 December 2013

Today I was in a lot of pain and he never left my side even if he was extreme tried that shows me how many he want me. Even if we are both jumping for joy with the fact that finally found each other to care for.

We haven’t chose the easiest way out, I am sure we will be able to figure out I think that’s why we aren’t made of water but of blood because blood is thicker which make us stronger than anything else there is.

When you feel like the world is going to fall on you or when you are about to harm yourself or other start think of how the person you love and care about the most would feel about your actions the key is thinking first on what you are about to do then do it.

Ale

31 December 2013

We are in New Year’s Eve I need to tell the full truth I am a bit piss. The reason because I heard some comments from my family because I am dating a darker guy then myself I thought we got over the white rights and the black rights.

He asks me questions about my condition and he want to learn about it. That impresses me a lot. He really wants what best for me which makes really special. He lights up the whole room with his smile we might be far away but we have the same heart beat.

When I am cold he fills my heart with warm. I just hope that all the suffering that I and my family suffered during this year will turn into happiness and peaceful day next year. The days that I was insecure will turn into unconditioned love.

Ale

1 January 2014

One of the comments that I heard this week the comment was that I could never get married just because I am in a wheelchair my answer to that was that I didn’t hide anything from my condition he knows my weakness and my strengths.

I told him many times that if thinks that he can’t ideal with my cerebral palsy or if I wasn’t the right person for him. As much as it would break my heart he must leave me straight away because I can’t force me to love me.

To all the people that give up on their dreams just because someone posted or told him a comment that doesn’t mean they should give up or their dreams. They should be doing the opposite to that with every ugly comment they say you should gain strength for it.

Ale

2 December 2013

Where do I start today is one of does days I don’t wish or want to live a day like today. It is mostly my fault. I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to play truth or dare. He said yes after a couple of turns I asked him a very evil question which I shouldn’t have asked in the first place.

I forced him to answer me and when he told me the answer. I got mad at me and said some things which I haven’t told him but I did which was a huge mistake then he told me some stuff back he was anger and it was his given right to be mad.

I need to be honest that all that he said was truth. At night he asked me forgiveness in the sweetie’s way possible given that he is away. I said sorry back and he accepted my sorry. I don’t think I would be to live my life without him.

Ale

3 December 2014

I am back to my old self knowing that my lover is smiling again. I believe that we are meant to be just like the ones in fairytales. I think what fiery up our temper the fact that we can’t hug or kiss when we wish to.

We have a long thought road ahead of us. The most amazing gift that we have is that we see eye to eye and we both know how to pull throw in the hardest moments of our lives. He can make me smile just by talking to me.

I really dream and hope that he can find a way to come in Malta so we will have the possibility to live together. I think he is the guy for me I know I said this many times but now I feel it from inside me. Who knows maybe I will be able to build my happy ever after.

Ale

4 December 2014

If my mind had to speak for myself I would be sad and happy words at the same time. What I mean is I am the luckiest and happiest young adult there is because of the romance I have with my partner but at the back of my mind I fear for his health and security.

The fact that I can’t be beside him when he is facing and living huge life issues makes me feel helpless and that kills me from the inside. He tells me that he is alright but I can sense that he is worried too, because I kind of know him too well.

All I can do for now is pray, study and think of ways to get the money for me to go there or him to come here. It’s not what I want this is what we want. To be honest it’s not even a want anymore it’s a need.

Ale

5 December 2014

Before I went to bed me and My boyfriend had a sad video chat because I thought that my teddy bear (It’s the nickname I gave to my boyfriend) wanted to leave me and he thought that I wanted to close the relationship but I wouldn’t leave for the world.

He thinks I don’t trust him and I am trying to a way to show him that I trust him. In fact he is the only person in my life at the moment. It looks like my trust issues are taking over my relationship and I losing control over it.

I was so depress over the situation that I thought about taking my life with my own hands then his face pop up in my mind. I believe that a guy can find it pretty difficult to fight the war of life by himself.

Ale

6 December 2014

Today I got my blood results back and my blood is low it needs to be fifteen my is ten and to tell you the truth I been feeling a bit sick lately. Now my doctor ordered another blood test from iron we need to wait and see.

As I told my boyfriend he had a panic attack and told me that I am going to die. I am trying to keep my hopes up but if ever my blood test shows that I have a health condition means that I am going to fight it as I did all of my life now I have my boyfriend to fight for.

I am more worried about him than myself because at the moment he doesn’t have a satiable home where he can live. If he ends up homeless I would feel so guilty because I am here in comfort of my home and somebody who I love dearly might not have a place to stay or sleep in. I need to do all that I can to bring him here.

Ale

7 December 2014

Today I know how much life is unfair in our few days of our relationship I got sick and to make it worse he isn’t living in the best situation. It reminds a bit of the play of Romeo and Juliet but we get stronger together after every issue that we have.

I looked for so long for a man to love me and care for me this way he do I might have said it before but I really mean it. Who knows I might marry soon I can dream can’t I? This time around he is the one who mention it not I.

This guy has deep feelings for me and I have to be honest I haven’t been so in love like this in a very long period. We are both young so we have time to think about our future together because love can’t be rushed.

Ale

8 December 2014

Life is like a word after a word, sentence after sentence you will end writing your own life story. I was given the most amazing gift, when I feel unwell and weak I can turn to my soul mate to bring some joy back to my life.

We both have pure love for each other we see us as the queen and king who protect their castle which in real life it is our relationship. There is some cases when life is hard to endure for a human being but the key is to never give up remember when there is a will there is a way.

He made feel beautiful in my own skin and for the first time in eight years I was able to see myself not some ugly evil witch. If I had to describe in a story-like thing this is how I would do it with an image of a bird in a cage which can’t get freedom in its own nature.

Ale

9 January 2014

It been fifteen days since me and my boyfriend I still it feel more like a dream to me. We have no need for words because with one look we can read other’s mind and with one smile our day is fulfil. My main plan is that I will be lucky enough to find a job possible the job I dream of.

As they say ‘’without pain there is no game’’ being sick showed me that in more need of my boyfriend’s love and care more than I ever thought. Every night I want to whisper I love you in his ears but I don’t the means to bring him at the moment.

In love there is no right or wrong, in love is the heart that chooses. I got good news today was that my partner found a place to live with a family member of his. Now he can really stand of his two feet and try to look for a job and work for our dream of being together forever.

Ale

10 January 2014

Today I went to school after that I went to take my blood test I rested because I felt a bit light headed so I had to go to bed. When I woke up I found the courage to have serious a conversation with my relationship and about my future plans.

I hope that I won’t be forced by my family to do a big wedding because at the end of the day I am married the guy not my wedding day , my wedding clothes, wedding cake or the flowers and I will be the one paying the bills not them.

This is a big mistake I am doing life has its own plans. Writing is the only way I express my life and I as I might said this before. Writing is no different from art or music but it has its own secrets too and many people understand in many different ways.

Ale

11 January 2014

It’s a Saturday in my childhood my mum use to take me to centre where people with the same or similar conditions or disabilities at least once in a week I had a place where I could have fun with nobody looking at me as if I was a monster.

There I learned that the wheelchair doesn’t make you who you are which helped me in the journey of accepting my life with the wheelchair. It took a lot out of to start and see that my life is worth it to live.

We use to do train and play sport with the wheelchair. At the end of May (before the summer break) there is a sport day where some extra games are played. In the end of the day scores are added and prizes are given. This is a beautiful memory of my childhood goodnight

Ale

12 January 2014

Today I am feeling kind of lost to tell you the whole story two nights ago I had a wired dream in my sleep, the dream was someone waking from bed with their back to me and not talking to me even if I tried to speak to but the person didn’t speak to me.

I have the same exact feeling I had in the dream this feeling is scary I hope the dream can’t become true because in my life there is only one person that could leave me. This person could only be my boyfriend.

If he leaves me I would end up homeless and this isn’t because I don’t have a home far from that. The reason is that my heart is helpless as it is without him in my life, my heart is open only for him I can’t have no one else.

Ale

13 January 2014

Today I and my mum had a money problem, I was having a moment of teen anger and again my lover was there for me to help me calm down and be my lifesaver and save me from doing something stupid.

I had a lot of abusive relationships I never really saw my parents loving each other so since I was a little girl I thought that being treated badly by people around me was an okay thing to do. That made think that’s the right way to life so I accepted at the time.

As I grew older I started meeting boys myself and I stayed for anything they said or worse believing all the negative energy they gave me and even if I thought I knew what true love is I was going very mistaken.

Ale

14 January 2014

I guess today it’s the first day in my life beautiful both inside me and out. My life had so little but I don’t know and it is so special when a man is ready to leave everything for the woman that he loves it’s not an easy step.

He is coming into a country which is unknown to him he must really love me and want to spend the rest of his life. We both dream about having a family together by time I not only fell in love with my lover for himself but we also grew in our intimate relationship.

There is a long road ahead of us to be to together but I know that we can do and be together as a family. I pray to god for us to stay beloved together to create a brighter future find newer love for each other every day we live.

15 January 2014

I was sensing a bad situation when it comes to be accepted by my boyfriend’s friends and I was right. They don’t like me for many reasons but the main issue for them is that I am white and so they think that because he is coloured he shouldn’t date a white girl.

His friends told him to choose between our relationship and their friendship that broke my heart because if he picks me he lose his friends and if he pick his friends he will have to dump me. He picked me to the cost that he lost his friends.

We need to let go our past live the present to create a better future. Another thing that I noticed that the more we have the bigger is the desire to have the things or feelings that we are missing in our life.

Ale

16 January 2014

Today I kind of realize that the heart and the soul can’t be separated because the key for forgive is the heart and the lock of the heart is the soul because if the soul is strong enough the person can survive throw the most testing moments of her or his life.

Sometime we only think of life as a piece of cake and when life gets hard we get lost. The amazing relationship that I have with my boyfriend has already been taken to its limits but our souls together were strong enough to pull throw.

A serious relationship brings with it a lot of responsibilities for both parts. In our case from the second we started talking to each other we both knew that we wanted to be together for the rest of our living time.

Ale

17 January 2014

Today my boyfriend moved in to stay with some of his family members so I had the chance to meet with so some of his family and to my shock and surprise they were very pleased with whom I am and they welcomed me to their family straight away.

I kind of think that the fact that my boyfriend‘s family accept me I feel I am one step forward to meet him and make our lives together a reality. We have personal issues and passport issues so every time we fix a problem we see another coming in our way.

Our meeting was cancelled for about three times already. We are very willing to meet but on the other hand we are young, unemployed and not coming from the riches families in the world. We both have the same value the value of faith.

Ale

18 January 2014

Another day has arrive I wake up early in the morning to go to school today is the most day I hate out of the week. The reason is because I have the first lesson and the last lesson means that I have five hours of free time between my first lesson and my last lesson.

I mean you study for a certain period of time but then your brain blocks and then I end up feeling stupid because my brain starts to empty itself. I tried going shopping during that time but against all odds I am a teenager who doesn’t like shopping for anything.

To be honest I have a big issue when it comes to places which is over crowed my brain is unable to consecrate and I become very up in all of a sudden plus I end up with a headache but the real problem is this that if I meet somebody that I know in over crowed place it is most likely that I don’t talk to them because I am not capable to consecrate but it will look like I am don’t want to talk to nobody and that cause me a lot of fighting so the best way that I found myself when my brain is fed up of studying I go to a corner and read a book.

Ale

19 January 2014

Today I noticed that my best friend is talking and acting different when he talks to me since I have been dating my boyfriend. To be honest I don’t know whether I am acting different when I am talking to him because it’s very hard for me to read myself.

I have to admit it I think the dream of going to visit the United Kingdom was purely the need that I had to meet the closest person to me at that time and I need to say it straight that I had the faith that he would fall in love with me.

Now that I know true love is I can stop beating myself down for every guy who abuse me, treat me like I am his mat or every love disaster I had and I am saying that It was only their fault I had some of the fault too but I think now it’s the right time to move on with a guy who loves me dearly.

Ale

3 March 2014

I had to take a break from this for many reasons that evoke new issues in my life but now I am back I am eighteen now and I haven’t been able to be with my boyfriend face to face in Malta even if it was my birthday dream.

I can’t lie we had some trouble between us due to my past relationships and yes I trusted and still do my boyfriend to the point that I gave him access to all my social network because I have anything to hide from him.

After two days or so I ended up in the hospital because my pump when crazy and my cerebral palsy got the best of me. If I want to see this in a position way I can see it is that I took a break and made a friend who thought me the greatest lesson with her smile she showed me another way of how you live life to the full.

Ale

4 March 2014

As everyone knows I love to write and I thought I could make a living out of it. I wrote to the most the online writing companies in the world. Unfortunately from all the messages I sent out only one company answered me back.

They messaged me back saying that I am good but they can’t hire me because I am not American. After that I have to be honest that I was a bit pissed off when they told me why they don’t want to hire me.

If I am not mistaken there is internet even in space so what they told me doesn’t really make any sense. I believe in destiny maybe it’s only destiny that I didn’t get the job it could be that there is something better for me out there.

Ale

5 March 2013

Today I woke up had a shower and went to school and I went for my region lesson. The lesson was about faith and love. I spoke about love and my faith before but at the same time but what my teacher makes sense.

He said that we need both love and faith to work together, in my opinion it doesn’t matter in what god you believe in or you might not believe at all. What makes us (human being) much more powerful is the soul.

Our soul has the freewill what I mean is that we are free to choose whatever we want to do in life. Of course I can be carefree which I have admit that sometimes I am really extreme carefree but after I know that I need to pay for my mistakes.

Ale

6 March 2014

A couple of days ago I found out that one of classmates and also a good friend of mine has a serious cancer it was a huge shock for me but I know that we need to stay strong for her. We all know that it’s not a simple thing to do but I am sure she can overcome it.

After school today I had to face a weird fear that I have the fear of cutting my hair yes you understood right I start to shake when it comes to have a haircut. In fact I had my hair to my belly bottom.

Why did I say ‘had’ because my hair is only a few inches long all the rest of my hair was donated to a local foundation called ‘Puttinu Cares’ that help patients who are suffering from any type of cancers one of the jobs they is make wigs from hair donations. All I can say is that it feels amazing when you give a part of your body to someone else.

Ale

7 March 2014

Everyone at turned their head to look at me this morning and I heard comments while I was passing through the hallway. Today was the first time that I didn’t hear mean comments behind my back when I entered school.

I don’t want to be always negative but I am the one who has nightmare every I put my head on the pillow. Those things and statements I dream about

happened in close doors, Mostly in the toilets since I needed help lift it to the toilet and needed help to dress and undress.

I had bullying from students but the comments that broke my heart were the ones that came from the ‘adults’ and I am talking about some the teachers that should give the example. One of the most comments I remember and still have nightmares about is ‘your fat will want you or will want to love you’ then I wake up and realize that was only a bad dream and that’s what makes try to think about what am I about to say before I say because I try not to cause extra pain to a person with my long tongue.

Ale

8 March 2014

It’s the weekend again, oh my god I can’t believe it’s already Saturday where did the time go? Next week I will be doing my exams which are also my finals of school since this is the last year of the course then I will be sitting for two more exams in May for the University of Malta.

As they say everything happens for a reason and I think I met my boyfriend and hopefully in the future my husband. There is a reason why I feel like this because whenever I am a bit down, he is always there to put a smile on my face even if he is a bit sad himself.

We have gone through a lot in our relationship and I never dreamt that we would come along this far not only that our relationship has a excellent base on which we can build on to live a happy and healthy life together.

Ale

21 March 2014

During my exams weeks I didn’t have the time to write much so I apologise for that. Now that I have some free time I decide to write some more about my life story. March at the end and this time of I go to when I use to spend more time with my family.

Now that I am growing older and may leave the city that I was brought up in I realize that time flies and it doesn’t wait for anybody. I remember of all the walks in the fresh with my godmother. As time passed things changed I ended up doing only two things, or I study or I am in front of the computer and I barely see the sun.

So I guess every piece of the puzzle in my life It’s fixing itself I still have a couple of pieces missing but with love and hard work I am sure I will find the pieces I am missing along the way of life and hopefully I will be able to complete it.

Ale

22 March 2014

It’s Saturday and my boyfriend just went to sleep now so I have a bit of time to continue writing my life story and what’s going in my life right now. I am feeling that as days pass it’s getting more and more difficult. I miss him much more than before.

I was relationships before where my feelings towards the guy were numb what do I mean by this? I mean I had an attraction for guy’s physical body but I had no feelings for him from the inside. I have to say that these types of relationships that I had in the past didn’t work so well for me.

I had to find a method to get way out the feelings that were dragging me so I came to my room locked the door and scream on top of my lungs right there. I say I can’t give up now I over came all in my life it’s not time yet for me to give up.

Ale

23 March 2014

Today when I woke the sun rays flied my room with the most beautiful light and I knew right that today was a brand day. At the moment I am reading a

book called the ‘Perfect Gift’. It kept me up late I am really enjoying it so I didn’t wake up in time for church.

I decided to stay relaxing in bed for today who says you can’t dream all you need to do is to close your eyes and the world is frozen. You can be whenever you want. Right now I am dreaming of my boyfriend along the beach giving each other a passionate kiss.

I am proving wrong all the people who told me that this relationship or tried to push us to break up but we are still standing. Anyway enough with the dream that I hope someday it will come true hopefully in a few years.

Ale

24 March 2014

Today knocking at my door arrived the electric bill which cleaned my bank account to a zero but I rather see my family comfortable than having money in the bank or buy thing that I might not need for myself.

I am not saying that it doesn’t get hard at the end of the month but I have all my needs, now enough of my complaining. At school I met a ‘friend’ who doesn’t want to chat with me because of his new girlfriend and I guess I can’t do anything about so I am stepping out our friendship from him life and wish them the best of luck.

I think if I was flowing with Euros I wouldn’t be able to see or touch the happiness that I am living right now, so I rather not be able to buy everything that I want but I am still happy about my statue of life. In life you need to be grateful for what you have not daydreaming about what’s impossible to get.

Ale

25 March 2014

Today one of my teachers was sick which means that I had a few extra free lessons I had nothing too demanding to do but believe it or not I got more tired

than if I had a lesson. My mind kept going back and forth from reality to daydreaming.

Will the picture perfect life that I have in my mind materialize? There is only one thing I can do fight for my ambition. I need to stop doubting myself and my dream for the people around me not to doubt me.

I had a vision late night of my boyfriend coming throw the front door of my house; I had this vision in my sleep. The only complication at this point is that I don’t know what that means but most of the vision that I have at night come true whether they are good or bad normally my visions aren’t this close related to me so all I can do is to wait and see.

Ale

26 March 2014

Well today I have to go back to back Malta I live in Gozo during the week because both my sister and I go to school in Gozo. During the weekend we live Malta. Today I had to catch a ferry to Malta because tomorrow I have a check-up at Mater dei.

People might think that when have been run in and out of hospital for eighteen year get use to it. I think that you can never get use to hospital the reason is you always meet new persons in different wards.

In hospital in reality it’s not everything bad as we picture it in our head. Most of the time, I make new friendships meanwhile being in hospital. I can’t lie I feel a bit anxious for medical test result I hope that everything goes well.

Ale

27 March 2014

Today I had to wait from eight in the morning till one in the afternoon but at least all my medical tests results came back all clear so it wasn’t a waste of

time. Then I had to go catch a boat to Gozo because tomorrow I have to go to school.

Finally my health is back on track I have been thinking about the time after I met my boyfriend I wasn’t doing much, I had a broken heart from the past relationship I have to admit that I was very close to fall into depression.

On Christmas eve this year two persons with a very sensitive heart but the people around them didn’t really understand them as soon as they met one another they become as powerful as ever and can never be weaken.

Ale

28 March 2014

As I wake up this morning I went straight on my cell phone and log in on Skype to be able to talk to my boyfriend, after he went for a nap I logged in on facebook and saw my boyfriend’s status it said “I like my ex”.

I wasn’t the only one who saw that status my mum saw it too and she was mad at him. I had no choice but to go to school feeling sad, hurt and betrayed. If you ask me what my lectures were about I would tell you I don’t know my mind was solitary on my boyfriend.

As soon as I got home from school I went directly to my computer I needed to find out what was going on in my boyfriend’s mind. My boyfriend explained after I managed to control my anger, he told that was only a game on facebook and to prove that that was the truth he gave me his username and password.

I signed in and found the message he was talking about I love him more than ever. I understood what happened it wasn’t his fault but he still was honest with me. You can find very few persons like him and I was lucky enough to find a man who loves me and as much as I love him, good night.

Ale

29 March 2014

Today it’s time to relax after a long week , today it’s also time for me and my teddy bear (my boyfriend) to reinforce our relationship back again. The only way I could express myself to my boyfriend was to yell at him

Even if all that I did was yell I am not say that that is the appropriate way of fixing an issue with your partner but I am sorry because that’s how I reacted. Thank god that my boyfriend is extremely relaxed.

I think with a bit of extra love and special surprises we will work it out and hopefully I will win his heart all over again. At the moment I am thinking of a few ticks to play with. I am lucky enough that he has a heart of gold; I will tell how it went tomorrow.

Ale

30 March 2014

I stayed up late last night chatting with my boyfriend about a lot of things. We spoke about our common dream when is to find our perfect match and marry them. Well now that that happened we are planning to take that a step further.

Hopefully after we marry we will have kids. I just hope that with the pump that I have implanted into my tummy won’t cause us a problems. Every woman deserves the gift of becoming a mother. Here comes the issue that not all mothers are able to protect their children.

We have time to think of that the first thing that we need to do is to meet each another or in Malta or in America. In America everyone has some kind of American dream would be to meet my future husband. We will see if my wish comes true.

Ale

24 April 2014

It’s a while that since I last wrote but I prefer not to write than to write something stupid. Then I always end up with my feelings bottled up inside of me. I need to find time for myself and write this dairy.

The argument is that every time my feelings get out they get out on my poor boyfriend I am very sorry about it however from time to time my feelings go out of my hand. Thank god whenever this happiness he leaves everything he was doing and listens to me.

To be honest, I am writing this dairy just for myself taking into consideration that there is very slim chances that someone will want to read my life story. This morning my mum made a comment that I am not very good in writing and that made me feel a bit heavyhearted but as soon as I wrote my first word I found my passion of writing back from my heart.

Ale

1 May 2014

Believe it or not my boyfriend and I have been four months and seven days together I don’t were time when. These four mouth have been the most exciting and romantic days of my life. I have to admit it that this relationship have helped me to start to heal from the bitter situations I had in the past.

Of course we have had our ups and downs like every couple does I strongly believe that no couple can be the perfect couple because as I said before every person is unique there can’t be any photocopies and if that would be the case the world would be boring but if the couple has things in common they might be able to see eye to eye.

The most amazing feeling in the teenage years is when you find that feeling of love within yourself and feel that you are worthy for something. My aim is that I write what I passed from and how I felt to help me understand how I am feeling right now and hopefully in the future something great comes out of my life.

A lot of love

Ale