founder leadership & communication workshop - 01/22/15
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Founder Communication
Joe Greenstein Jan 22, 2015
Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Topics for Today
What makes an effective leader?
What makes an effective team?
Format: Learn together, not talk at you
ONE BIG IDEA
Three Realities (The Net Model)
INTENTNeeds
Motives
Situation
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS - WHY?
Everyone feels
them, we just
pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information,
absence of
emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance.
Most powerful
motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
SELF-DISCLOSUREWe are constantly making the choice of
letting our self be more fully known
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the
relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Vulnerability“I define vulnerability as the expression
of uncertainty, risk, and emotional
exposure.
Paradox of TrustYou prefer to look strong rather than weak.
Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some) weakness is
perceived as sign of strength.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure
1. Build connection, trust2. Repair distortions3. Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Authentic Leaders“The single factor distinguishing top
quartile managers from bottom quartile
managers was strength of affection – both
given & received – with their team.”
(“Leaders guide to recognizing and rewarding others”, Kouzes & Barry)
5 levels
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
In what ways do we communicate?
Increasing levels of difficulty, risk & learning
5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
The Bottom Line1. Disclosure / vulnerability are critical to connection
2. Effective leaders for strong connections.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
Team & Culture
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
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Effective Teams1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Problem: Can’t order people to do any of this.
(“Building Emotional Inteligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Essential Conditions1. Safety
2. Intimacy
3. Mutual Trust
Research: All of these are correlated to group EQ.
(“Safety, Trust, Intimacy”, Ed Batista, 2010)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
EQ (Individual)Emotional awareness
Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)
Inward (one’s own emotions)
Outward (others’ emotions)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Exercise 3
Our normsWhat norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Feedback & Influence
Johari Window
© Carole Robin, Ph.D., 2011
OPEN/PUBLIC
BLIND
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You know
You don’t know
Reactions/Feedback
Disclosure
Why is feedback important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger relationships
Bottom line: Feedback is how we grow.
Can I give you
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
some feedback?
Social threat
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Happen many times/day… Most common location?
The Workplace
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF Model
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David Rock
What social situations
trigger a threat
response?
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Read
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Threat responsePhysiological signs?
Emotional Signs?
Cognitive Signs?
Photo by State Farm [link]
A personal aside… The owl & the crocodile.
Dr. Seymour
“The limbic system that evolved to help us survive may be slowly killing us...“
Me
The Bottom Line1. As a leader, you are a walking, talking social
threat. Be aware of this, be thoughtful.
2. You are also a role model – watch your own
defensive reactions.
Can I give you
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
some feedback?
So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?
THE NET (AGAIN)
INTENTNeeds
Motives
Situation
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
Feedback
New Mental Model
1. Feedback is new information about the internal reactions I am
having to your behaviour.
2. Both sides get to decide what to do with that new
information.
3. Goal is to enter joint problem solving mode.
Feedback is a gift!
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on YOU
3. Do NOT address MY motives or intentions.
(Do listen actively if I choose to share them.)
How to Give Effective Feedback
Stay on your side of the net!
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
Lets try some examples…
1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone.
You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone.
I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a
good job with this presentation.
Practice 2: A Difficult Other
Think of someone in your life whom you want to influence/give constructive feedback
• Have issue; some concern about how to raise
• Not most impossible; but yes, challenging
• Want something from/more functional relationship; have more influence
E.g. peer, colleague, boss, friend, SO, family member
• Reflect:
• Behaviors/Actions you find problematic
• Effect/impact of those behaviors on you
• Cost?
• Your needs? Their needs?
1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
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● Give more!!!
● Do not praise to overcome resistance
● Do not praise to buffer criticism
● Avoid “The Sandwich”
● Avoid platitudes. Be specific
● Weak: “John - you are a great boss.”
● Strong: “John - when you give me specific feedback, I feel
excited because I have a chance to grow professionally.”
Tips for Complimentary Feedback
• Assume good intent, be curious
• Use a soft start• emphasize mutual goals & positive intent for the conversation.
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint-problem solving
Tips for Constructive Feedback
● Gift mentality
● Listen and ask clarifying questions
● Acknowledge your feelings
● Goal is understanding, not “winning”
● Say “Thank You!”
Tips for Receiving Feedback
Last ReminderStay on your side of the net
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions
Thanks, goodbye, & stay on
your side of the net.
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