Founder Communication

InnerSpaceJoe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla

Aug 27, 2015

Why am I doing this? (Part 1)

One Big Idea

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponsesReality #3

The Net

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Everyone feels them; we just pretend we

don’t.

Convey crucial information; absence of emotion leaves out

half the story.

Emotions indicate importance. Most

powerful motivator?

They are an early warning

system

Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Self-Disclosure

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the

relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in my ‘bubble’

should I share?”

We are constantly making the choice of letting our self be more fully known

Self-Disclosure

Vulnerability

“I define vulnerability as

the expression of

uncertainty, risk, and

emotional exposure.”

Vulnerability

Authentic Leaders

“The single factor distinguishing top quartile

managers from bottom quartile managers was

strength of affection – both given & received – with

their team.”

--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry

Authentic Leaders

Authentic Leaders

You prefer to look strong rather than “weak.”Problem: Everyone knows that.

Result: Willingness to show (some)“weakness” is perceived as sign of strength.

Paradox of Trust?

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

• Build connection, trust• Repair distortions• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to connection.

2. Effective leaders form strong connections.

Conclusion: Consider being more open.

The Bottom Line

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Effective Teams

1. Participation2. Collaboration3. Cooperation (Commitment)

Research: All of these are correlated to Group EQ

“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

“I’m starting to feel defensive”

Inward (my emotions)

Outward(others’ emotions)

Emotional Awareness

Emotional Management

(“Regulation”)

“He seems to begetting agitated”

• Take a deep breath• “Could you give me a sec?”• Take a walk

“Are you ok?”

EQ (Individual)

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Inward (Our Team)

Outward(Other Teams)

Emotional Awareness

EQ (Group)

Emotional Management

(“Regulation”)

High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group

Group norms determine group EQ

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Group EQ

Feedback & Influence

Working AgreementsJohari Window

OPEN/PUBLIC

PRIVATE UNKNOWN

I know I don’t know

You know

You don’t know

Reactions/Feedback

Disclosure

BLIND

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?

1. Personal Development2. Team Effectiveness3. Stronger Relationships

Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

Can I give you some feedback?

Photo by State Farm [link]Social situations ≈ Physical threats

Threat Response

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

David RockWhat social situations triggera threat response?

StatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness

SCARF Model

So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTFeelings

ReactionsResponsesReality #3

The Net

The Net (again)

Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

1. Focus on specific, observable behavior2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you3. Do not address the other person’s motives or

intentions (Do ask about them & listen actively if they choose to

share.)

Stay on your side of the net!

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model

When you do [x], I feel [y].

(and optionally)

The story in my head is… (z)

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

1:1 Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback

• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Learning is better than being right– Goal is understanding, not winning

• Listen and ask clarifying questions• Acknowledge your feelings• Gift mentality

– Say “Thank you!”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback

• Give more!!!• Do not praise to buffer criticism

– Avoid “The Sandwich”• Do not praise to overcome resistance• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:

– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost

every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback

• Use a soft start– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:My intention is… / This matters to me because…When you do [x], I feel [y].

• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint problem solving

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder

Stay on your side of the net

When you do [x], I feel [y].

Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback

Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus

area

Communication & Management– Too much/little– Choice of format– Email etiquette

– Language choices, communication style with others

– Transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions

Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from

this person?

– How do they impact others?

– What do they model well?

– Anything you worry about?

– Arrival/departure times

– How they speak/listen/act/dress

Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

Challenge Yourself

Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net