Founder Communication

Joe Greenstein & Semira RahemtullaDec 9, 2014

Photo by Alex Eflon [link]

Topics for TodayWhat makes an effective leader?

What makes an effective team?

Format: Learn together, not talk at

you

Three Realities (The Net Model)

INTENTNeeds

MotivesSituation

Reality #1

BEHAVIOR

VerbalNon-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTFeelings

ReactionsResponses

Reality #3

The Net

Johari Window

© Carole Robin, Ph.D., 2011

OPEN/PUBLIC BLIND

PRIVATE UNKNOWN

I know I don’t know

You know

You don’t know

Reactions/Feedback

Disclosure

FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS - WHY?

Everyone feels them, we just pretend we

don’t.

Convey crucial information, absence of

emotion leaves out half the

story.

Emotions indicate

importance. Most powerful

motivator?

They are an early warning

system

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

SELF-DISCLOSUREWe are constantly making the choice of letting our self be more fully known

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion

– the relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in my ‘bubble’

should I share?”

Authentic Leaders“The single factor distinguishing top

quartile managers from bottom

quartile managers was strength of

affection – both given & received –

with their team.”

(“Leaders guide to recognizing and rewarding others”, Kouzes & Barry)

Vulnerability“I define vulnerability as the

expression of uncertainty, risk, and

emotional exposure.

Paradox of TrustYou prefer to look strong rather than weak.

Problem: Everyone knows that.

Result: Willingness to show (some) weakness

is perceived as sign of strength.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure/Vulnerability

1. Build connection, trust2. Repair distortions3. Avoid “progressive impoverishment”

5 levels

Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

Richard Francisco

In what ways do we communicate?

Increasing levels of difficulty, risk &

learning

5 levels1: Ritual

2: Extended Ritual

3: Content

4: Feelings About Content

5: Feelings About Each Other

Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

5 levels

5: Feelings About Each Other

Hardest

Riskiest

Most powerful for feedback

Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

The Bottom Line1. Disclosure is critical to connection.

2. Vulnerability is usually seen as strength.

3. Authentic leaders are more influential.

Conclusion: Consider being more open.

Team & Culture

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

ReadMore

Effective Teams1. Participation

2. Collaboration

3. Cooperation (Commitment)

Problem: Can’t order people to do any of

this.

(“Building Emotional Inteligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review,

2004)Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Essential Conditions1. Safety

2. Intimacy

3. Mutual Trust

Research: All of these are correlated to

group EQ.

(“Safety, Trust, Intimacy”, Ed Batista, 2010)

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

EQ (Individual)Emotional awareness

Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)

Inward (one’s own emotions)

Outward (others’ emotions)

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Group EQHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group

Group norms determine group EQ

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Our normsWhat norms do we have?

What norms do we need?

What can you do as leaders?

Photo by jm3 [link]

Feedback & Influence

What we mean by “feedback”1. Not formal performance reviews2. Not teaching functional skills3. Discussions about interpersonal

interactions and working relationships

Why is feedback important?

1. Personal Development

2. Team Effectiveness

3. Stronger relationships

Bottom line: Feedback is how we grow.

Can I give you

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

some feedback?

Threat Response

Photo by State Farm [link]

Threat responsePhysiological signs?

Emotional Signs?

Cognitive Signs?

Photo by State Farm [link]

Social threatSocial situations ≈ Physical threats

Many times/day…

Most common location?

The Workplace

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

SCARF Model

ReadMore

David RockWhat social situationstrigger a threatresponse?

SCARF modelStatus

Certainty

Autonomy

Relatedness

Fairness

ReadMore

A personal aside… The owl & the crocodile.

Dr. Seymour

“The limbic system that evolved to help us survive may be slowly killing us...“

Me

The Bottom Line1. As a leader, you are a walking, talking

social threat. Be aware of this, be

thoughtful.

2. You are also a role model – watch your

own defensive reactions.

(tie it back to feedback now – you’re a

threat the minute you walk in the room.

Then you say “can I give you some

feedback?” YIKES! Here’s how

Can I give you

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

some feedback?

So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?

THE NET (AGAIN)

INTENTNeeds

MotivesSituation

Reality #1

BEHAVIOR

VerbalNon-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTFeelings

ReactionsResponses

Reality #3

The Net

Feedback

New Mental Model

1. Feedback is new information about the internal reactions I am having to your behaviour.

2. Both sides get to decide what to do with that new information.

3. Goal is to enter joint problem solving mode.

Feedback is a gift!

1. Focus on specific, observable behavior

2. Describe the impact of that behavior on YOU

3. Do NOT address MY motives or intentions. (Do listen actively if I choose to share them.)

How to Give Effective Feedback

Stay on your side of the net!

The simplest

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

feedback model

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

Lets try some examples…

1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.

2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.

3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with this presentation.

Photo by Harsha KR [link]

Relationships

John Gottman

What characterizes successful

relationships?ReadMore

RelationshipsFeeling known by the other

A culture of appreciation

Mutual influence

5:1 positive to negative

“Emotional bank account”

Relationships& conflict

Photo by Connor Tartar [link]

Founder PairsThink about your partner

How’s your emotional bank account?

What are you doing to build the

relationship?

1:1 feedback

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

ReadMore

● Give more!!!● Do not praise to overcome resistance● Do not praise to buffer criticism

● Avoid “The Sandwich”

● Avoid platitudes. Be specific●Weak: “John - you are a great boss.”●Strong: “John - when you give me specific feedback, I feel

excited because I have a chance to grow professionally.”

Tips for Complimentary Feedback

• Assume good intent, be curious• Use a soft start

• emphasize mutual goals & positive intent for the conversation.

• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint-problem solving

Tips for Constructive Feedback

● Gift mentality● Listen and ask clarifying questions● Acknowledge your feelings● Goal is understanding, not “winning”● Say “Thank You!”

Tips for Receiving Feedback

Last ReminderStay on your side of the net

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

Use the Vocabulary of Emotions

Challengeyourself

Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

Thanks, goodbye, & stay on your side of the net.