Founder Communication

Joe Greenstein Nov 14, 2014

Photo by Alex Eflon [link]

Topics for Today

Disclosure & Vulnerability

Effective Teams & Culture

Feedback & Relationships

Format: Learn together, not talk at you

Working

I ask you to…

Challenge yourself

Respect confidentiality

Minimize distractions

Wait for breaks & return on time

Can we all commit to this?

agreements

Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]

Disclosure & Team stuff 80 mins

Break 10 mins

Feedback concepts & practice 75 mins

Break 10 mins

1:1 feedback 50 mins

Closing 15 mins

TOTAL 4 hrs

Agenda

ONE BIG IDEA

Three Realities (The Net Model)

INTENTNeeds

Motives

Situation

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTFeelings

Reactions

Responses

Reality #3

The Net

FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS - WHY?

Everyone feels

them, we just

pretend we

don’t.

Convey crucial

information,

absence of

emotion leaves

out half the story.

Emotions indicate

importance.

Most powerful

motivator?

They are

an early warning

system

Stress

Learning

One more quick note: Where We Learn Most

15%

Comfort

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

SELF-DISCLOSUREWe are constantly making the choice of

letting our self be more fully known

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the

relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in

my ‘bubble’

should I

share?”

Vulnerability“In order for connection to happen, we

have to allow ourselves to be really

seen.”

VulnerabilityThe Paradox of Trust

You prefer to look strong rather than weak.

Problem: Everyone knows that.

Result: Willingness to show (some) weakness is

perceived as sign of strength.

More Benefits of Self-Disclosure

1. Build connection, trust2. Repair distortions3. Avoid “progressive impoverishment”

Johari Window

© Carole Robin, Ph.D., 2011

OPEN/PUBLIC

BLIND

PRIVATE UNKNOWN

I know I don’t know

You know

You don’t know

Reactions/Feedback

Disclosure

The Bottom Line1. Disclosure is critical to connection.

2. Vulnerability is usually seen as strength.

3. Authentic leaders are more influential.

Conclusion: Consider being more open.

Team & Culture

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Read

More

Effective Teams1. Participation

2. Collaboration

3. Cooperation (Commitment)

Problem: Can’t order people to do any of this.

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Essential Conditions1. Mutual trust

2. Group identity (feeling of belonging)

3. Group efficacy (belief in value of the team)

Research: All of these are correlated to group EQ.

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

EQ (Individual)Emotional awareness

Emotion regulation (≠ suppression)

Inward (one’s own emotions)

Outward (others’ emotions)

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Group EQHigh EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group

Group norms determine group EQ

Create awareness of emotion

Help regulate emotion

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Our normsWhat norms do we have?

What norms do we need?

What can you do as leaders?

Photo by jm3 [link]

Feedback & Influence

What we mean by “feedback”

1. Not formal performance reviews

2. Not teaching functional skills

3. Discussions about interpersonal interactions and

working relationships

Why is feedback important?

1. Personal Development

2. Team Effectiveness

3. Stronger relationships

Bottom line: Feedback is how we grow.

Can I give you

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

some feedback?

Feedback and

Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]

social threat

Threat responsePhysiological signs?

Emotional Signs?

Cognitive Signs?

Photo by State Farm [link]

Social threatSocial situations ≈ Physical threats

Many times/day…

Most common location?

The Workplace

Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

SCARF Model

Read

More

David Rock

What social situations

trigger a threat

response?

SCARF modelStatus

Certainty

Autonomy

Relatedness

Fairness

Read

More

The Bottom Line1. As a leader, you are a walking, talking social

threat. Be aware of this, be thoughtful.

2. You are also a role model – watch your own

defensive reactions.

A personal aside… The owl & the crocodile.

Dr. Seymour

“The limbic system that evolved to help us survive may be slowly killing us with the internal stress and external damage it produces...“

Who’s talking now?

So… how do we communicate feedback

while minimizing defensiveness?

THE NET (AGAIN)

INTENTNeeds

Motives

Situation

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTFeelings

Reactions

Responses

Reality #3

The Net

New Mental Model

1. Feedback is new information about the internal reactions my

behavior has triggered in another person.

2. A feedback conversation is an opportunity for me to share new

information about the internal worlds behind my behavior.

3. Both sides get to decide what to do with that new

information.

Feedback is a gift!

1. Focus on specific, observable behavior

2. Describe the impact of that behavior on YOU

3. Do NOT address MY motives or intentions.

(Do listen actively if I choose to share them.)

How to Give Effective Feedback

Stay on your side of the net!

The simplest

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

feedback model

Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

Lets try some examples…

1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.

2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone.

You are clearly bored with this presentation.

3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone.

I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a

good job with this presentation.

1:1 feedback

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

Read

More

● Give more!!!

● Do not praise to overcome resistance

● Do not praise to buffer criticism

● Avoid “The Sandwich”

● Avoid platitudes. Be specific

● Weak: “John - you are a great boss.”

● Strong: “John - when you give me specific feedback, I feel

excited because I have a chance to grow professionally.”

Tips for Complimentary Feedback

• Assume good intent, be curious

• Use a soft start• emphasize mutual goals & positive intent for the conversation.

• Be aware of your own stress

• Goal is joint-problem solving

Tips for Constructive Feedback

● Gift mentality

● Listen and ask clarifying questions

● Acknowledge your feelings

● Goal is understanding, not “winning”

● Say “Thank You!”

Tips for Receiving Feedback

Last ReminderStay on your side of the net

When you do [X], I feel [Y].

Use the Vocabulary of Emotions

Challengeyourself

Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

Thanks, goodbye, & stay on

your side of the net.