founder leadership workshop 07-16-15
TRANSCRIPT
Founder Communication
InnerSpaceJoe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla
July 2, 2015
Why am I doing this? (Part 1)
One Big Idea
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTAssumptions
FeelingsResponses
Reality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them; we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial information; absence of emotion leaves out
half the story.
Emotions indicate importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Self-Disclosure
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the
relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in my ‘bubble’
should I share?”
We are constantly making the choice of letting our self be more fully known
Self-Disclosure
Vulnerability
“I define vulnerability as
the expression of
uncertainty, risk, and
emotional exposure.”
Vulnerability
Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers was
strength of affection – both given & received – with
their team.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry
Authentic Leaders
Authentic Leaders
You prefer to look strong rather than “weak.”
Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some)“weakness” is perceived as sign of strength.
Paradox of Trust?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
• Build connection, trust• Repair distortions• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
In what ways do we communicate?
Increasing levels of difficulty, risk & learning
5 Levels of Communication
1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 Levels of Communication
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 Levels of Communication
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to connection.
2. Effective leaders form strong connections.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
The Bottom Line
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward (my emotions)
Outward(others’ emotions)
Emotional Awareness
Emotional Regulation
EQ (Individual)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward (Our Team)
Outward(Other Teams)
Emotional Awareness
Emotional Regulation
EQ (Group)
High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ
What norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Our Norms
Feedback & Influence
Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You know
You don’t know
Reactions/Feedback
Disclosure
BLIND
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
Can I give you some feedback?
Photo by State Farm [link]Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David RockWhat social situations triggera threat response?
StatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness
SCARF Model
So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?
Old Mental Model
Goal: Get you to change
Assumption: I know the full truth
Action: I will tell you what you are doing wrong
Mental Models of Feedback
New Mental Model
1. Assumption: I know something you don’t (my reactions) – you may also know things I don’t.
2. Action: Share my news, listen for yours
3. Goal: Expand our shared information, enter into joint problem solving
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
ReactionsResponses
Reality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback
Old Mental Model
Goal: Get you to change
Assumption: I know the full truth
Action: I will tell you what you are doing wrong
New Mental Model
Goal: Expand our shared information, enter into joint problem solving
Assumption: I know something you don’t (my reactions) – you may also know things I don’t.
Action: Share my news, listen for yours
Mental Models of Feedback
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you
3. Do not address my motives or intentions (Do ask about them & listen actively if I choose to share.)
Stay on your side of the net!
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model
When you do [x], I feel [y].
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Joe, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with this presentation.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Learning is better than being right– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions• Acknowledge your feelings• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”
• Do not praise to overcome resistance• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Assume good intent; be curious• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
My intention is…
When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint problem solving
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [x], I feel [y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.
Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net