josÉ marÍa ruano de la h - university of ottawa
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AfreetranslationandadaptationofTirsodeMolina’sLacelosadesímisma(circa1619)by
JOSÉMARÍARUANODELAHAZA
DRAMATISPERSONAE
MELCHOR,animpoverishedgentlemanfromLeón
VENTURA,hisservant
MAGDALENA,hisintendedwife
ALONSO,herfather,recentlyarrivedfromtheIndies
QUIÑONES,herservant
JERÓNIMO,herbrother
SEBASTIÁN,herneighbour,agentlemanfromSeville
ÁNGELA,Sebastián’ssister
LUIS,Melchor’scousinandJerónimo’sfriend
SANTILLANA,ahiredfootman
NOTE.There’snoneedforscenery.Thedifferentlocationscanbesuggestedbythedialogueandbystagelighting.Ontheotherhand,costumes,especiallywomen’s,areoftheessenceinthisplay.Theall-importanthoodedcloaksmaybereplacedbyveils,buteitherway,theaudienceshouldbeabletoseethewomen’sfacesclearly,whiletheysupposedlyremainconcealedfortheothercharactersonstage.Suggestions:
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DAYONESCENEONE
EnterMelchorandVentura,hisservant.
MELCHOR.Well,Ventura,we’vefinallyarrivedinMadrid!Andwhatanexcitingplaceitis!
VENTURA.Yes,sure.Butwatchout!Anhonestpersonhereisonlysomeonewhohasn’tyetfound
anopportunitytosteal.NothingiswhatitseemsinMadrid.Well-dressedgentlementurn
outtobecrooks.Andwithabitofmakeupandtherightclotheshookerstransform
themselvesintoladies.
MELCHOR.Ican’tabideyourcynicism,Ventura.AndI’mnotinthemoodtolistentoyourwords
ofwisdom.
VENTURA.Iwarnyou.Youarelikeababeinthewoods,easypickingsforthewolvesthatprowl
thesealleyways.
MELCHOR.WhyshouldIfearthem?IhavenomoneyandI’vecometomarryseventythousand
ducatsperyear.Myfutureisassured.
VENTURE.Thetwohundredducatsinthatpurse—whichisallthat’sleftofyourinheritance—
willbeenoughtotemptmorethanoneoftheselovelybirdsofpreythathoveroverthese
streets.
MELCHOR.Stopit.I’mnotasnaïveasyouthink.
VENTURE.Aren’tyou?Ibetyouanythingyouhavethat,beforeyoumeetyourfuturefather-in-
law,you’llbecaughtinthelacenetcastbyoneofthesefemalepiscators.
MELCHOR.Enough!WhatwemustdonowisenterthischurchandgiveGodthanksforbringing
usheresafeandsoundafterourperilousjourney.Let’sgoinandthenhurrytomy
betrothed’shouse.Ilongtoseeifshe’sasbeautifulastheysay.
VENTURA.Awomanwithadowryofsixhundredthousandsducatswillneverbeconsidered
ugly.
MELCHOR.Ventura,I’vealreadytoldyouthat,eventhoughmoneyisobviouslyimportanttome,I
won’tmarryawomanjustbecauseshe’swealthy.Shemustalsobebeautifulaswellas
virtuous.
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VENTURA.Moneycanbuybothbeautyandvirtuebythesackful.
MELCHOR.Suchlowlythoughtsareunworthyofmybeloved.
ExeuntMelchorandVenturatalking.
EnterJerónimoandSebastián.
JERÓNIMO.We’reneighbours;it’sonlyrightthatweshouldalsobecomefriends.
SEBASTIÁN.Thatruledoesn’tapplyinMadrid,donJerónimo.Iknowpeoplewhohavelivedhere
foryearsandarehardlyacquaintedwiththefamilieslivingnextdoor.But,tellme,ifImay
besoboldastoask,whatbroughtyoutoMadrid?
JERÓNIMO.Myfather.HemadehisfortuneinPerúand,now,tiredofbusinessandwork,has
returnedhomewithhisfamily...andwiththeideaofmarryingoffmysister.He’salready
foundherahusband:adistantrelativefromtheprovinces,whosearrivalwe’reexpectingat
anymoment.Myfatherdoesn’ttrustMadrilenianmen,yousee.Hethinkstheyallare
profligatesandcrooks.
SEBASTIÁN.He’snotfaroffthemark.Yourfatherisaprudentman.
JERÓNIMO.Andyou,donSebastián?WhatbringsyoutoCourt?
SEBASTIÁN.I’mseekingadmissiontooneoftheMilitaryOrdersandaknighthoodandI’mhalf-
waythroughtheprocess.
JERÓNIMO.Howlonghaveyoubeenatit?
SEBASTIÁN.Oh,aboutthreeyears.
JERÓNIMO.Isyourwifewithyou?
SEBASTIÁN.I’mnotmarried,donJerónimo.Ilivewithmysister,whojoinedmeaboutayearago.
JERÓNIMO.Wherefrom?
SEBASTIÁN.Seville.
JERÓNIMO.I’dlovetomakeheracquaintance.
SEBASTIÁN.Youshall.She’sledaveryshelteredlife,youknow.Shewasraisedbynunsina
convent.That’swhereIsentheraftertheuntimelydeathofourparents.
JERÓNIMO.There’snobetterplacetoraiseayounggirlthesedays.
SEBASTIÁN.I’mnososure.Shesurecamebackwithsomepeculiarideas.
JERÓNIMO.Likewhat?
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SEBASTIÁN.Well,shetoldmetheotherdaythatshecouldn’tpossiblybedescendedfromAdam,
becauseshecouldn’thaveanancestorwhodaredtowalknakedinfrontofhisownwife!
JERÓNIMO.That’spriceless!Shemustbecharming.
SEBASTIÁN.Aswe’reneighbours,you’llhaveplentyofoccasionstowitnessherlittle
idiosyncrasies.ButImustwarnyouthatshenowsaysshewantsverymuchtoenterthe
marriedstate.
JERÓNIMO.Isthatso?
SEBASTIÁN.Yes,butfirst,I’llhavetodrivesomeofthoseideasshelearntfromthenunsoutof
herhead,don’tyouthink?
ExeuntJerónimoandSebastiántalking.
EnterMelchorandthenVentura.
MELCHOR.(ingreatexcitement)Ventura!Whereareyou?
VENTURA.Here,sir.Rightbehindyou.
MELCHOR.Wherewereyouhiding?
VENTURA.Whileyouweresayingyourprayers,Isatonapew,neartheentrance,nexttoalady’s
maidwhowinkedatme.
MELCHOR.Ah,Ventura!I’minsuchastate!
VENTURA.Astateofholiness?
MELCHOR.Holiness?Yes!But,notdivine!Ratherhuman,Ventura,humanholiness!I’venever
seensuchdivinebeauty!
VENTURA.WasIrightorwasIright?Ileaveyoualonefortwominutesandyouswallowhook,
lineandsinker!Didshewinkatyoutoo?Didsheletyoucatchaglimpseofherankle?Did
sheletherveilfallbacktoletyouadmirehercurls?Didshewaveherhand?
MELCHOR.Stopthere,Ventura!Stoprightthere!Itwasnothereyes,herhair,herface,herankle,
forIsawnoneofthose,itwas...herhand,Ventura!
VENTURA.Herhand!
MELCHOR.Andwhatahanditwas!Sobeautiful,sorefined,soperfect!HowcanIdescribetoyou
itslittledimples,itslongandelegantveins,itsgorgeousfingers,allfiveofthem!
VENTURA.HowcanIdescribetoyouherclaws,herhooks,hertentacles,hergraspingfingers,all
fiveofthem!Didyounotseeherface?
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MELCHOR.No.
VENTURA.I’msureshehiditforareason!
MELCHOR.HowcouldIseeherface,Ventura,whenmyeyeswereentrancedbythe
contemplationofthatlivingdove,thatanimatedcrystal,thathand!
VENTURA.Howcouldyoufallinlovewithherhand,withouthavingseenevenabitofherchin,or
atleastoneeye,orthetipofhernose,orthecurlofhereyebrow?
MELCHOR.Ahandsuchashers,Ventura,issheerperfection.Itspeakseloquentlythroughher
fiveslendertongues.Itsdiaphanoussoulwouldinflameevenablockofmarble!Isatright
behindit,andsoonitsheditsskinofsubtlyembroideredlacetorevealtomeaworldof
jasminesandmusk-roses.Myeyesbeheldalabaster,diamonds,snowwrappedinfire!But
then,thenshemadethesignofthecross,andthehanddisappeared,orshouldIsay,thesun
set,plungingmeindarkness,until...momentslateritroseagainbathingmeinagolden
light.But,alas!,myjoywasshort-lived,foritsowner,havingendedherprayers,cruelly
imprisoneditoncemoreinitsjailoffinespunlace,deprivingmeofthelightofmylife,ofmy
heart’sdesire,ofmy...
VENTURA.Youfellforit!Iknewit!Shewasplayinghide-and-seekwithherhandandyoufellfor
it!
MELCHOR.Butlisten.There’smore.
VENTURA.More?
MELCHOR.Yes!Therewasaman...agentleman,orsoheseemed,welldressed,distinguished-
looking.Hewasstandingnexttoher...
VENTURA.And?
MELCHOR.And...withoutherrealizingit...inafractionofasecond...fastaslightning...he
cutthestringsofherpurse!
VENTURA.Didn’tItellyou?NothingandnobodyiswhatitseemsinMadrid.
MELCHOR.Butbeforehecouldgetaway,Igrabbedholdofhisarm.Notwishingtocreatea
commotioninchurch,Iwhisperedinhisearthatwhathewasdoingwasunworthyofa
gentleman.Heblushedtotherootsofhishair;andI,assumingthathewasthievingmore
outofnecessitythandepravity,seizedthepurse,tooktwoescudosoutofmyownpocket,
gavethemtohim,andlethimgo.
VENTURA.Andyoukeptthepurse?
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MELCHOR.Hereitis.AndI’mwaitingforitsownertocomeoutinordertodeposititonthat
heavenlyhandofhers.AndthenI’llcatchonemoreglimpseofthatparadigmof
exquisiteness,thatcynosureofmyeyes,thatquintessenceofperfection,thatapotheosisof
elongatedphalanges,ofdomicalknuckles,ofsubtlysynoviallinings,ofvolarplatesand
divinemetacarpals!Obeautifulhandthatclutchesmyheart!
VENTURA.Well,slapmewithamouldyturnip!You’vefalleninlovewithanappendage,witha
protuberance,withanappurtenance!Whatiftheownerofthishandturnsouttobeaone-
eyedfemalePoliphemus,orasuglyasoneofmybunions?Whatwillyoudothen?
MELCHOR.Whatafool!WiseMotherNaturecouldnotpossiblyallowsuchlackofproportion!It
wouldbeinconceivableforsuchahandtobelongtoanyonebutagoddess,tothenymph
Danae,toapeerlessbeauty,nobleandrare!
VENTURA.Afriendofmineoncesawinthestreetamostsplendidfemalebackside.Wishingto
findoutwhocouldbetheownerofsuchsuperbbuttocks,heovertookheronlytodiscover
thatshewasold,aswrinkledasaripecabbageanduglyassin.Whocould’veimagined,he
toldher,thatsuchadivinefoundationcouldsupportsuchahellishfaçade?Towhichshe
replied:Friend,ifyoudon’tlikemyface,you’rewelcometokissmyass!
MELCHOR.Hadyouseenmylady’shand,youwouldn’tmakesuchblasphemousanalogies.But
she’sapproaching!Stepasideandpreparetopayobeisancetothatnonpareilextremity!
EnterMagdalenaandQuiñones,hermaidservant,theirfacescoveredbyhoodedcloaks.
MELCHOR.Mylady.MayIbesoboldastospeakwithyou?
MAGDALENA.Sir!I’mnotinthehabitofspeakingwithstrangers.
MELCHOR.Mylady,drawbackthosedarkdrapes,letthesunshineonusmeremortals,don’t
leavemeinthisvaleofdarkness.
VENTURA.(toQuiñones)Woman,Icanseeyourneck.That’senough.Please,don’tshowmeyour
face!
QUIÑONES.(Slapshimintheface)Getawayfromme!
MAGDALENA.Sir,ifyouwishtoimpressmewithyourflatteries,consideritdone;butI’llletyou
knowthatthisisneitherthetimenorplacetodisplayyourwit.Farewell.
MELCHOR.Imustperforcefollowyou,ifyouleavemethus.
MAGDALENA.Ifyoudo,you’llloseanycredityou’vegainedwithme.
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MELCHOR.Youmisunderstandme,mylady.ImustperforcefollowyoubecauseIwishtoreturn
whatacertaincutpursestolefromyou.Seewhat’smissingandI’llrestoreittoyou.Then
youcandepriveme,ifyoumust,ofyourlovelysight.
MAGDALENA.(looksatthecordshangingloosefromherbelt)Iamindeedmissingasmallpurse,
butit’sofnoimportance.
MELCHOR.Itistome,sinceitbelongstoyou.Couldthisbeit?(Givesherhisownpurse).
MAGDALENA.That’snotmypurse.
MELCHOR.Itcouldbethatthethief,skilfulashewas,cutseveralpurses.You’rewellwithinyour
rightstotakeonefortheother.
MAGDALENA.Thethiefseemstohavedeceivedbothofus.Thestringsofmypursewerecut
(showshimtheloosestrings)butthesearenot.Icannotacceptit.Ifyou’reunabletofindits
ownerIsuggestyoutakeittothenearestlost-and-found.AndnowImustleaveyou,for
thereareinquisitiveeyeswatchingus,aswespeak.
MELCHOR.I’llnotbefoundinpossessionofstolengoods.Butyou’llbebeyondsuspicionin
anybody’seyes.Whydon’tyoukeepituntilitsownershowsup?
MAGDALENA.Sir,I’mbecomingwearyofyourpersistence.I’llkeepitifyouletmego.Here,give
ittomymaid.
VENTURA.(aside)Wecannowkissourpursegoodbye!
MAGDALENA.Andifyoufindthepersonwholostit,youcantellhimthatI’llreturnittohim
tomorrowatthistimeandinthisplace.Andnow,Ibegofyoutoletmego.And,please,do
notfollowme.
MELCHOR.Yourwishismycommand.ButIcannotseeyougowithouttheglimmerofahopeof
seeingyouagainatleastonemoretime.MayIaccompanythepurse’sownertomorrow,
shouldIfindhim?
MAGDALENA.Youmay.I’llbehereattwoo’clock.
MELCHOR.HowwillIrecognizeyou?
MAGDALENA.(takesoffoneglove)Bymyhand.
MELCHOR.Owondrousdawn!
ExeuntMagdalenaandQuiñones.
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MELCHOR.Ah,Ventura!Topurchaseheaven’sfiveclimes,thesnowyMilkyWay,thesuninthe
skyforafewgoldcoins,isn’tthattrulyabargain?
VENTURA.No.Itisn’t.Andyou’llregretit.You’vejustpaidtwohundredducatsforaglimpseofa
hand.Bymycalculationsthatworksoutatfortyducatsperfinger.Andthisonlytosee,
withouttherighttotouch.I’dliketoknowhowwe’regoingtomanagenow.Herewearein
themiddleoftheafternoon,hungryandwithoutapenny!
MELCHOR.Stopmoaning!DoyouforgetthatIhaveawifewithseventythousandducatsperyear
waitingforme?
VENTURA.Butwhatifherfather’sdead?Whatifyourbridehaselopedwithanothermaninthe
meantime?Whatifshefindsyouuglyandsendsyoupacking,whichshecoulddo,forshe’sa
womanafterall?
MELCHOR.Me,ugly?
VENTURA.Aren’tyoupoor?Apollohimselfwouldbeconsidereduglyifhedidn’thaveapenny.
MELCHOR.Doyoureallythinkthatawealthywomanwouldconsidermerichorpoorjust
becauseIhaveordonothavetwohundredducats?Comeon,Ventura!
VENTURA.Atleast,shewouldn’tseeyouasapauper,whichiswhatyoulooklikerightnow.With
thatmoneyyoucould’veboughtsomedecentglovesandanewshirttodisguiseyourtrue
state.Asitis,she’llsmellyourpenuryamileoff.
MELCHOR.Youforget,Ventura,thatI’vekeptherpurse.WhichIprizemorethanalltherichesof
Ophir.
VENTURA.I’msureitholdsnomorethanacoupleofcoppercoins.
MELCHOR.Wouldthegentlemanthiefhavebeeninterestedinstealingit,ifthatwerethecase?
VENTURA.Well,let’stakealookatitthen.
MELCHOR.Hereitis.
VENTURA.I’llbeblowed!That’saheavilypregnantpurse.Letmeholdit.
MELCHOR.Here.Loaded,isn’tit?
VENTURA.Youbet!Letmeseehowrichweare.
MELCHOR.What’sthat?
VENTURA.Somethingwrappedinpaper.I’llseewhat’sinside.
MELCHOR.I’msureitwillbearareandpreciousstone.Perhapsajewelencrustedwithdiamonds
andemeralds.That’swhyit’ssoheavy.
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VENTURA.(unwrapsthepaper).Astone!Aplainstonewitharibbonaroundit.Thispursewasn’t
pregnant.It’sakidneypassingastone!
MELCHOR.There’ssomethingwrittenonthepaper.Letmesee.(Reads)“Thisstoneisgoodto
easelowerbackpain”.
VENTURA.That’sanoldperson’sailment.JustasIsuspected,she’sasoldasthehills.
MELCHOR.Isthereanythingelse?
VENTURA.Yes.
MELCHOR.Bringitout.
VENTURA.Here’sathimble,andathreadwinder,andacheapring.That’syourbargain!Yougave
herourlasttwohundredducats,butatleastwecannowthreadaneedle,ifwehadone,and
cureourbackachewhilelookingatourstupidmugsinthisglassring!
MELCHOR.Youmaycomplain,Ventura.ButI’mthehappiestmanintheworld,forallthese
objectshavebeentouched,andarethereforeblessedinmyeyes,bythatdivinehandof
hers.
VENTURA.Thievinghand,youmean.
MELCHOR.Aheavenlyhand,whichI’llhaveoccasiontobeholdagaintomorrow.
VENTURA.Idoubtwe’lleverseeherorherhandagain.
MELCHOR.I’mcertainofit,forI’mamanoffaith.
VENTURA.Youreallybelieveshe’llreturnourtwohundredducats?
MELCHOR.Yes.
VENTURA.Idon’tthinkshe’sthatstupid.Let’shopeyourfuturewifeisstillalive,athomeand
withhermindunchanged.
MELCHOR.But,wait,Ventura.
VENTURA.Whatnow?
MELCHOR.HowcanIpossiblymarryanotherwomanafterhavingfalleninlovewiththat
heavenlyhand?
VENTURA.Bythinkingofyourfuturehereonearth,that’show.
MELCHOR.HowcanIbetraysuchanangelichand?
VENTURA.Angelicanddressedinblackandwithsharpnails?That’sthehandofadevil.
MELCHOR.It’sratheraveiledsun.
VENTURA.Asunwithclaws.
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EnterLuisandJerónimo.
LUIS.Butisn’tthisMelchor?
MELCHOR.Cousin!FancyyoubeingthefirstpersonImeetinMadrid.
LUIS.I’vebeenexpectingyourarrivalfortwodays.Didn’tyourlettersayyou’dbeherebythe
beginningofthemonth?
MELCHOR.Blamemydelayonthefoulweatherwehadduringthejourney.Itrainedeveryother
dayandtheroadswereimpassable.
LUIS.Melchor,beforeyousayanotherword,letmeintroduceyoutoyourfuturebrother-in-law,
donJerónimo.
JERÓNIMO.WelcometoMadrid,donMelchor.We’reallathomelookingforwardtoyourvisit.
MELCHOR.Iwasonmywaythere.Tryingnottogetlostinthismazeofstreetsandhouses.
JERÓNIMO.Then,ifyou’llallowme,I’llrunaheadandwarnmysisterofyourimpendingarrival.
Asyouknow,womendon’tliketobecaughtunawares.
MELCHOR.Yes,you’reright.
JERÓNIMO.WouldyoumindstayinghereforawhilewithdonLuis,untilIreturnwithmyfather?
I’msurehe’dlovetoaccompanyyou,asit’sonlyproper,toourhouse.Unless,ofcourse,
you’dpreferustowaitforyouthere.
MELCHOR.Whateverismostconvenientforyouandyourfather,donJerónimo.
LUIS.IfImaymakeasuggestion,I’lltakemycousintoyourhouseinalittlewhile.Thatwillgive
usthechancetotalkandcatchupwithournews.
JERÓNIMO.Sobeit.That’llprobablybebest.Ibettergetalongthen.I’llseeyoubothsoon.
ExitJerónimo.
LUIS.Well,Melchor.WhatnewsfromLeón?
MELCHOR.Notmuch.Everyone’swellandsendyoutheirkindestregardsandbestwishes.And
whataboutyou?Didyouresolvethatlegalmattertoyoursatisfaction?
LUIS.Ididindeed.AndIgotmyinheritance,aswasmyrightasthefirstborn.
MELCHOR.Congratulations!
LUIS.Andyou,Ventura?How’slifetreatingyou?
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VENTURA.Verybadly.I’mmadashellatthatnever-endingplainwehadtocross,atthose
mountainpasseswehadtoclimb,atthosedisgustinginnswehadtostayin,andespecially
atacertainthievinghandthat’sevennowcountingourducats.
MELCHOR.Willyoustopbitching?
LUIS.Andyou,Melchor?Areyouverymuchinlovewithyourintendedwife?
MELCHOR.HowcanI,Luis?Idon’tknowwhythegodofloveisdepictedwearingablindfold.As
farasIamconcerned,lovecannothappenunseen.
LUIS.She’sveryattractive,youknow?
MELCHOR.Thatmayverywellbe,butthere’snoguaranteethatI’llfindherintheleastdesirable.
LUIS.Well,then.I’veaconfessiontomake.
MELCHOR.Aconfession,cousin?
LUIS.Yes.Iwishtotellyou,andpleasedon’ttakeitthewrongway,thatseeingyouinMadrid
painsmedreadfully.
MELCHOR.How?Why,inGod’sname?
LUIS.Melchor,you’repoorandyourintendedhasarentofseventythousandducatsperyear.I
amwealthy,incrediblywealthy,nowthatI’vegotmyinheritance,andalsoyourrelative,
andyourfriend...But...But...I’llsayit!Ishan’tbecomeyourcompetitor.
MELCHOR.Mywhat?Idon’tunderstand.Luis,please,speakplainly.
LUIS.BeautifulMagdalenaandherconsiderablefortunewillbeyourssoon.AndI...Iwould’ve
consideredmyselfthehappiestmanaliveifI’dbeenallowedtoloveher.ButIamnot,
althoughIworshipthegroundshetreadson.AndIcan’t...becauseofyou.So,let’snot
dwellonthisanymore.Let’sforgetit.Ineversaidit.There!Letmetakeyoutoherhouse.
Shelovesyou.Shelovesmenot.Iadoreher.Butshe’llmarryyou.There!Solution?Imust
yankheroutofmyheart,evenifIbleedtodeath!
MELCHOR.ButLuis,waitasecond.AsIjustsaid,I’veneverseteyesonMagdalenaandIcan
hardlybeexpectedtofeelanythingforher.Ifyouloveher,thenspeaktoherfather.With
myblessing.IassureyouthatIwon’tstandinyourway.Hermoneyisnotgoingtomakeme
loveormarryher.
LUIS.But,Melchor.HowcanIspeaktoherfather?Idon’tevenknowifshehasanyfeelings
towardsme.Andshehasn’ttheslightestideathatIworshipher,thatI’ddieforasmilefrom
her.Ionlymetheronce,yousee,andthat’swhenInegotiatedwithherfatheronyour
behalf.AndallIdidthenwasshowerpraisesonyou.Shehardlypaidanyattentiontome.
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So,losenosleepoverthis.ForgetIsaidanything.I’llnotdreamofstandingbetweenyou
andherorofseparatingyoufromherfortune.Iwon’t!There!
MELCHOR.AndI’llnotdreamofstandingbetweenyouandyourloveeither.Look,your
Magdalenahasneverseenme.Shemay,inherimagination,havecreatedanidealimageof
me,whichmayverywellnotcorrespondwithreality.HowcanIknowthatshewon’tbe
disappointed?Thatshewon’thatemeatfirstsight?Please,cousin,don’tgiveupyourlove
onmyaccount.Believeme.You’rewelcometoher.
LUIS.Don’traisemyhopes,Melchor.Please,don’t!
MELCHOR.Whynot?Especiallysince...
LUIS.Sincewhat?
MELCHOR.Luis,thetruthisthatitwouldn’tsurprisemeintheleastif,whenImeether...I’m...
unabletocontainmyindifference!
LUIS.Unabletocontainyourindifference?Why?
MELCHOR.Because...Ihaveacertaincelestialhandindeliblyetchedonmymind.
LUIS.Ahand!
MELCHOR.That’sright.Ahandthat’srenderedmeblindtoanyotherbeauty.
LUIS.Don’tspeakinriddles,Melchor.Ahand?Whosehand?Youmusttellmeallaboutitaswe
walktoMagdalena’shouse.
MELCHOR.Well,Iwentintothischurchandsatbehind...
SCENETWO
EnterMagdalenaandQuiñones,withadressinherhands.
MAGDALENA.SodonMelchor’sabouttoarrive?
QUIÑONES.That’swhatyourbrothersays.
MAGDALENA.Ineedtochangemydress,then.
QUIÑONES.Why?
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MAGDALENA.Quiñones,Iassociatethisdresswiththehandsomestrangerwesawinthechurch
atLaVitoria.Bysheddingit,Ihopetodiscardtheunsettlingthoughtsthathelodgedinmy
mind.
QUIÑONES.Andchangingyourdresswilldothat?
MAGDALENA.Itwould.
QUIÑONES.Whatever!
MAGDALENA.Here,helpmeputonthisdress.Handmethatmirror.Makesuretheskirthangs
right.Andmyhair?Isitallrightattheback?
QUIÑONES.Everything’sperfectandyoulookfine.
MAGDALENA.AhQuiñones,Idreadthisvisit.Iwashopingtohavesomefunwithmyadorable
andadoringstrangerbeforebeingmarriedofftothis...donMelchor.It’soutrageousthat
wewomenhavetobesubjectedtothewillofourfathers.
QUIÑONES.Letmepinchthatcheek.Itlooksabitpale.
MAGDALENA.Unseen,mustIlovethemanmyfather’schosenforme?It’sperverse.
QUIÑONES.Thestrangerwasafinespecimen.
MAGDALENA.Morethanfine.Hewashandsome,andbold,anddaring.Ah,ifonlydonMelchor
turnedouttobehalfthemantheotheroneis!IfonlyIcouldbuyformyfuturehusband
someofthemanylovelytraitsofthatstranger:likehiswit,hismanlyface,hisstrongbuild,
his...
QUIÑONES.Moneycan’tbuytruelove,Ialwayssay.But,youneverknow.DonMelchormayturn
outtobeevenbetterthanyourstranger.
MAGDALENA.Howcanthatbe?Suchvirility!Suchintelligence!Youdorealizethatheconfronted
thethiefandthenswitchedpursesonpurpose,givingmetheonewiththeducats.
QUIÑONES.OfcourseIdo.
MAGDALENA.Thatwonmeover.Notbecauseofthemoney,butbecauseitspokevolumesofhis
gallantry.
QUIÑONES.Butwhat’stheuseoffeelinglikethatwhenyourfuturehusband’sknockingatthe
door?
MAGDALENA.What’stheuse?It’sabeautifulmemoryI’llalwayscherish.That’stheuse.But
who’sthatatthedoor?
QUIÑONES.Yourneighbours.
14
EnterÁngelaandSebastián.
SEBASTIÁN.Mydearlady,allowmetointroducemyself.IamdonSebastiándelaHozyNegredo.
AndthisismysisterÁngela.
MAGDALENA.I’mverypleasedtomeetyou.
SEBASTIÁN.YourbrotherJerónimoandImetthismorningatLaVitoriaandprofessedourgood
willtowardseachother.
MAGDALENA.I’mgladtohearthat.
SEBASTIÁN.So,Ithoughtitonlypropertopaymyrespectstoyouinpersonandtobringmy
sisterwho’llpromiseeternalfriendshiptoyou.
MAGDALENA.Ithankyou.I’mbothhappyandproudtohavesuchgraciousneighbours.I’mvery
gladtomeetyou,Ángela.
ÁNGELA.Yourhumbleservant.Iunderstandthatyou’resoontobemarried.And...andI’dlike
youtoknowthatI’dbedelightedtobeyourbridesmaid,shouldthatpositionstillbevacant,
ofcourse.Isoloveweddings!
MAGDALENA.Ithankyouverymuchforyourgenerousoffer.Butyoucaughtmebysurpriseand
Idon’tquiteknowwhattosayrightnow.
ÁNGELA.Iunderstand.Whowouldn’tbeleftspeechlessbytheprospectofmarriage?Good
heavens!Infrontofapriestandinthepresenceofsomanypeopletosay“Ido!”toaman?
Howforward!
MAGDALENA.Especially,Isuppose,when,asismycase,thewomandoesn’tevenknowwhather
husbandlookslike.
ÁNGELA.O,Icouldn’tpossiblymarrysomeoneIhadn’tseen!Whatifheturnedouttobeasugly
asadevil!
SEBASTIÁN.Uglinessisonlyskindeep,Ángela.Andproperladiesobeythewishesoftheir
guardians,justasMagdalena’sdoing.
ÁNGELA.Well,Iwon’t.I’llmarryonlyforlove.I’msopassionate!Andvirtuoustoo!Icouldn’t
marryamanwhowasn’tpureandexemplary.Andhehastobehandsometoo.Ipray
everydaytoSaintAnthonytofindmetherightman.
EnterAlonso,Jerónimo,Luis,MelchorandVentura.
15
ALONSO.Mydeardaughter,letmeintroduceyourintendedhusbandtoyou.Asyoucan
appreciate,you’realuckygirl,thankstomygoodjudgmentinchoosingdonMelchorfor
you.
MAGDALENA.(asidetoQuiñones)Quiñones,isn’thethestrangerwhostolemywill?
MELCHOR(asidetoVentura)JustasIfeared,Ventura,comparedtotheownerofthatdivinehand
myintendedlooksveryplainindeed.
VENTURA.(asidetoMelchor)Areyousure?Lookatherhand.Icouldswearit’sthesameonethat
graspedourpurse.
MELCHOR.Areyoudrunk?Don’tblaspheme!
VENTURA.HowcanIforgetthehandthattookourprideandjoy?Itellyouit’sthesameone!
MELCHOR.You’reinsane.Thatheavenlyhandwaspartlycoveredbyalacenet...
VENTURA.That’sbecauseshewasfishing!
MELCHOR....andthisoneisbare.
ALONSO.DonMelchor.Don’tbeshy.Comehere.Speaktoyourfuturewife.
MELCHOR.Sir,herbeautyhasrenderedmewordless.Imustadore,admireandkeepquiet,asifI
wereinachurch.Besides,notbeingusedtothewaysoftheCourt,I’dbeafraidI’dsay
somethingunseemlyorfoolish.
MAGDALENA.That,mydearsir,canneverbe,forI’djudgeyouclevernomatterhowfoolishyour
wordsmayactuallyturnouttobe.Withyourpermission,father,nowthatIhavemetdon
Melchor,IshallretiretomyroomwithQuiñones.Asyouknow,Icannottaketoomuch
excitementatonce.
ALONSO.Iknow,mydaughter.I’llmakesuredonMelchoriswelllookedafter.
ExeuntMagdalenaandQuiñones.Themenbow.
SEBASTIÁN.(toMelchor)IfImaybesobold,mydearsir,pleaseaccepttheheartiest
congratulationsofaneighbourandhissister,whohenceforthremainatyourservice.AsI
amfondofsaying,propinquityisasgoodasfamilyrelation.
JERÓNIMO.DonSebastiánandhissisterliveinthehousenextdoor.
MELCHOR.Ithankyoubothfromthebottomofmyheart.
ÁNGELA.(asidetoSebastián)MethinksSaintAnthony’sansweredmyprayers,brother.Ifancy
donMelchor.
16
SEBASTIÁN.(asidetoher)Don’teventhinkaboutit,sister!
ALONSO.DonSebastián,Iwouldbehonouredifyouandyoursisterwouldacceptmyinvitation
toattendamodestcelebrationI’mplanningforthisevening.
SEBASTIÁN.Thehonourwillallbeours.
ALONSO.AndyouMelchor,myson,knowthatyouareinyourhouseandthatwhenyouleaveit,
itwillbeasmydaughter’shusband.
ExeuntAlonso,Jerónimo,SebastiánandÁngela,whokeepsglancingatMelchor.
LUIS.Well,whatdoyouthinkofyourbride,Melchor?There!Didn’tItellyou?Isn’tshebeautiful?
MELCHOR.Cousin,trueloversaren’tfickle.Ifanything,I’mevenmoreinlovenowwiththat
adorablehandthanIwasbeforeIsawher.
LUIS.Butisn’tyourbride’shandasattractive?
MELCHOR.Areyoumad?Notintheleast!Mylady’shandispureperfectionandsuffersno
competition!
LUIS.Itmustbequiteahand!
MELCHOR.Itis!Believeme!Tremendous,unbelievable!It’sahandthelikesofwhichyou’ve
neverseenbefore!
DAYTWOSCENETHREE
EnterMagdalena,dressedinmourning,andQuiñones.
MAGDALENA.Well,I’mnothappy.Nothappyatall,Quiñones.
QUIÑONES.Butisn’thethemanyouthoughtadorable,andboldandIdon’tknowwhatelseonly
yesterday?
MAGDALENA.Yes,andImustconfessthatIfindhimnowevenmoreadorablethanbefore...But,
tellme,Quiñones,howcanItrustamanwhofallsinlovewiththefirstwomanhesees,even
17
ifthatwomanisme?AmanwhocomesallthewayfromLeóntomarryme,canbeso
changeableastofallheadoverheelsinlove,notevenwithawholewoman,butwithahand,
evenifthathandbelongstome?Oncemarried,wouldhenotdothesamewitheveryfemale
handhesees?Andbearinmindthateverywoman’sgottwoofthem!
QUIÑONES.Butitsohappensthathefellinlovewithyourhand,andnobodyelse’s.Thatbeing
thecase,whocanyoubejealousof?
MAGDALENA.Myself.That’swho.
QUIÑONES.Well,you’reintroublethen.Whatdoyouplantodo?
MAGDALENA.Firstofall,meethim,aspromised.
QUIÑONES.Andwhat’sthepointofdressinginmourningforthat?
MAGDALENA.You’llseeinduecourse.
QUIÑONES.Can’tyoutellmenow?
MAGDALENA.No,becauseIdon’twantyoutotalkmeoutofwhatI’mdeterminedtodo.
QUIÑONES.Iknowbetterthantotrytodissuadeyou.
MAGDALENA.You’dthinkmemad.
QUIÑONES.Ialreadydo.
MAGDALENA.Isthecarriageready?
QUIÑONES.Waitingforyouinthestreet.ButmayIatleastknowwhereyou’regoing?
MAGDALENA.ToDoñaJuana’shouse.Tooffermycondolencesonthedeathofherfather.And
whileI’mthere,Ineedyoutohireafootmanandasedanchairandsendthemtoherhouse
tofetchme.
QUIÑONES.Awhat?
MAGDALENA.Afootmanandasedanchair.
QUIÑONES.Whatfor?
MAGDALENA.I’llexplainitalllater.NowdoasIsay.
QUIÑONES.Whatever!
18
SCENEFOUR
EnterMelchorandVentura,arguing.
VENTURA.Buthowcanyouspurnarealwoman,beautifulandwealthy,let’snotforgetit,fora
rapacioushand?Youhaven’tevenseenoneofhereyes!Youdon’tevenknowifshe’sanold
hagorachild.You’venoideaifshehasasnubnoseorabulbousbeak,orafoot-long
proboscis.Inshort,youknowbuggerallabouther.
MELCHOR.Goon,goontalkingnonsense.Inoneearandouttheother.Thisistheplace.I’llwait
forheruntilshecomes.
VENTURA.Doyoureallybelieveshe’sasstupidastoreturnourpurse?
MELCHOR.We’llfindoutsoonenough.
VENTURA.She’donlydoitifshethoughttherewasmorewherethatcamefrom.Maybeour
pursewasn’tpregnantenoughforher.
MELCHOR.She’llbehere.Justasshepromised.
VENTURA.Butseriously,don’tyoulikeDoñaMagdalenaevenalittlebit?
MELCHOR.Sheleavesmecold.Myheartbelongstothathiddenbeauty,tothatheavenlyhand,
whichcanonlybeatruereflectionofthelovelinessofherface,justasherfaceisa
reflectionofherdivinesoul.
VENTURA.Andifsheturnsouttohaveoneeyeredandtheotheryellow,bluelips,brownteeth,
sunkencheeksandapockmarkedface?Whatthen?
MELCHOR.Intheunlikelyeventthatshe’sasyoudescribeher,then,andonlythenwouldI
considergoingbacktoMagdalena.Shemaynotbebeautiful,butatleastshe’srich.
VENTURA.Andwhatifyourmysteriousladyisbeautifulbutpoorasachurchmouse?
MELCHOR.Notlikely.
VENTURA.Butwhatifsheis?
MELCHOR.Ifthatwerethecase,thenI’dmarryher,takeherwithmetoLeón,andlivehappily
thereafteronthelittlemoneyI’veleft.
VENTURA.There’snohappinesswithoutmoney,anddon’tletanybodytellyoudifferent.But
who’sthisladyinmourning?
19
EnterMagdalena,herfacecovered.
MELCHOR.AhVentura!That’smylady!
VENTURA.She’sdressedforarequiemmass.Badomen.
MELCHOR.She’stheladywhosehandIsawyesterdayatchurch.I’drecognizeherfigureand
bearinganywhere.(approachesMagdalena).Mylady,hereIam,atyourservice.
MAGDALENA.(uncoversherhand)Doyourecognizethishand?
MELCHOR.Odawn,Oearlybright,Olightofday!
VENTURA.O...O...O...!Isheinpainalready?
MAGDALENA.I’vecome,aspromised.
MELCHOR.Ifyouwerealwaysasfaithfulasyouareinkeepingyourpromises,you’dshowmethe
sunthatyourhoodhaseclipsed.
MAGDALENA.Mypurposeincominghereissimplytogivebackwhatdoesn’tbelongtome.
MELCHOR.Ifyourefertomysoul,whichyesterdaydesertedme,thendon’tbother,forIconsider
ithopelesslylost.
MAGDALENA.Wasityours?
MELCHOR.Yes,mylady.
MAGDALENA.Well.It’saverynaughtysoul!Itkeptmeawakemostofthenight.Uninvited,it’s
becomemasterofmyownhouse.Iswearthatitwould’vetakenpossessionofme,hadnota
friendofminearrivedthismorningdemandingitsreturn.Sheclaimeditbelongedtoher.
MELCHOR.Belongtoher!Whocouldtellsuchabarefacedlie?
MAGDALENA.AcertaindoñaMagdalena,afriendofminewho’snoble,sensible,beautifuland
veryrich.
MELCHOR.DoñaMagdalena!
MAGDALENA.Yes.IwascuriousaboutyouandsoIdecidedtoinvestigate.Iknowthatyou’ve
cometoMadridtomarryher.IknowthatyournameisMelchor,andthatyou’rea
gentleman,butpoor.Iknowthattodayyou’llsignyourweddingcontractandthatthe
religiousceremonywillfollowsoonthereafter.Andyouwantmetobelieveyourpassionate
protestationsoflove!Doyoutakemeforafool?IfIweretoshowyoumyface,likeIshowed
youmyhandyesterday,you’llknowwhoIam,andI’llbecomethelaughingstockofyouand
yourMagdalenaandherwholefamily.Longlivewhoeverinventedladies’cloaks,Isay!
20
MELCHOR.Yourinformationiscorrect,mylady,butyourconclusionscouldnotbemoreoffthe
mark.Noamountofmoney,noteventhebeautyofHelenofTroy,wouldmakemestop
lovingyoutotheendofmydays.Isawyourrivalyesterday—allowmetocallherthat,
unlessyouwishmetorefertoherasmyenemy—andshecannotholdacandletoyour
divinehand.Sheseemedtomeneitherbeautifulnoraworthycompetitortoyou.Iwould
not,Icannotsurrendermywilltoher,foritbelongstoyoualone.AndnowIthinkthetime
hascometoseethefaceofmymistress.Ibegofyou.Enoughmodesty!
MAGDALENA.Iamnearlypersuadedtograntyourrequest,but...No.Iwon’t!AllI’llsaytoyou
nowisthatIamneithermorebeautiful,norricher,noryounger,norwiser,normorenoble,
normoreworthyofyourlovethandoñaMagdalenais.
MELCHOR.Ifindthathardtobelieve.Fortocomparethetwoofyouistocomparedayandnight.
MAGDALENA.Then,proveittome.BreakoffyourengagementtodoñaMagdalena.Thenand
onlythenwillIrevealmywholepersontoyou.
MELCHOR.Nothingwillgivememorepleasure.
EnterSantillanaandspeakstoMagdalena.
SANTILLANA.Ibegyourpardon,mylady.It’stimetogo.
MAGDALENA.No.Notyet.Waitformeoverthere.
SANTILLANA.Yes,mylady.
SantillanamovestowhereVenturaisandspeakswithhimwhileMagdalenaandMelchor
mimetheirconversation.
VENTURA.Hellothere,oldman!
SANTILLANA.Helloyourself.
VENTURA.What’syourname?
SANTILLANA.Santillana.
VENTURA.AndyourChristianname?
SANTILLANA.Serum.
VENTURA.Consumptiveswouldloveanextractofyou.Howlonghaveyouservedyourlady?
SANTILLANA.Acoupleofhours.
21
VENTURA.Butyouknowwhosheis.
SANTILLANA.Noidea.
VENTURA.Idon’tbelieveyou.Youlooklikeasmartfellow.Thiscoinsaysthatyoudoknow.
SANTILLANA.Itdoes?(triestograbit)
VENTURA.It’syours.Butonlyafteryouspillouteverythingyouknowabouther.
SANTILLANA.Everything?
VENTURA.Everything.
SANTILLANA.Andyouwon’ttellanyone?
VENTURA.Iwon’t.
SANTILLANA.Well,ifit’storemainasecretbetweenus...Icantellyouthatsheis...
VENTURA.Sheis...
SANTILLANA....alady...
VENTURA.Icanseethat.
SANTILLANA....inlovewithyourmaster.
VENTURA.Icanseethattoo.Thatinformationisnotworthafarthing.Iwanttoknowhername.
SANTILLANA.Hername.
VENTURA.Yes,Serum.Hername.
SANTILLANA.Hernameis...Countess.
VENTURA.That’snotanamebutatitle.
SANTILLANA.Isit?
VENTURA.Itis.Ipromiseyou.Youhavetotellmewhatshe’sthecountessof.
SANTILLANA.She’sthecountessof...
VENTURA.Yes,yes?
SANTILLANA.Chirinola!
VENTURA.Chirinola?
SANTILLANA.Chirinola!
VENTURA.Andwhereisherchiri-county?InChina?
SANTILLANA.No,sir.It’sintheprovinceofNaples.
VENTURA.AndwheredoessheresidehereinMadrid?
SANTILLANA.InahousewithbluelatticewindowsonSilvaStreet.
VENTURA.Isshemarried?
SANTILLANA.Onherwayto.
22
VenturaandSantillanacontinuemimingtheirconversationwhileMagdalenaandMelchor
speak.
MELCHOR.So,youstillrefusetograntmemywish?
MAGDALENA.Yes,but...I’malsogratefultoyou,andcurioustoseeifyouthinkmemore
beautifulthanyourMagdalena.So,I’llallowyoutakeapeekatoneofmyeyes.
MELCHOR.Ahmymistress’eyeisexactlylikethesun!Ventura!Ventura!
VENTURAYes,sir!(toSantillana)I’llpayyouanothertime.
SANTILLANA.Eh,you!
MELCHOR.Ventura,pleasetakealookatthiseye,thismorningstar,anddon’ttellmethat
Magdalena,whomIabhor,ismorebeautifulormoreworthyofmylove.
VENTURA.It’sindeedasplendiferouseye.
MELCHOR.Couldwebesofortunateastoseeitscompanion?
MAGDALENA.Hereitis.
VENTURA.Aretheyholyrelics,thatwecanseethemonlyoneatatime?
MELCHOR.Istheresuchamiracle?
MAGDALENA.Doyouthinkmyeyescancompetewiththoseofyourfuturewife?
MELCHOR.Suchcomparisonisinvidious,mylady.Magdalena’seyesare...
VENTURA.Cowplops.
MAGDALENA.(givesVenturaaring)Hereyouhave,inrecognitionofyourperspicacity.
VENTURA.Owondroushand!Omunificentappendage!ThisisahandandnotdoñaMagdalena’s
limp,cold,andskinnypaw!ThistrulyisahandworthyoftheCountessofChirinola!
SANTILLANA.Hush!Won’tyoubequiet?
MELCHOR.Comeagain?
MAGDALENA.What?
VENTURA.Thetruthcannotlongremainhidden.You’retheNeapolitanCountessofChirinola.
Thisoldfartcatchertoldme.
MELCHOR.AreyouacountessinNaples,mylove?
MAGDALENA.Me?Yes...IsupposeIam...Imen,sincetheuntimelydeathofmyfather,thatis.I
thenbecametheCountessof...Chirinola,justasyourservantsays.Butnow,Ibettergo.
23
Importantmattersrelatingtomyfather’slastwillandtestamentawaitme.Farewell.Until
youfulfilyourpromise.
MELCHOR.Consideritdone!
SCENEFIVE
EnterÁngelaandSebastián.
SEBASTIÁN.Sister,Iburnwithloveforourcharmingneighbour,Magdalena.ButhowcanI
preventhermarriagetothatsmartass,donMelchor?
ÁNGELA.Idon’tknow,butyoubetterprayanddosomethingquick.Themarriagecontractwillbe
signedtoday.Andtomorrow,whichisaholiday,thefirstbannswillbereadinchurch.
SEBASTIÁN.Iwishhe’dneversetfootinMadrid!
ÁNGELA.Idon’t.
SEBASTIÁN.Iknowyoufancyhim.
ÁNGELA.Icertainlydo.IwantdonMelchorallformyself.SaintAntonygavehimtome.
SEBASTIÁN.Well,youcan’thavehim.He’stoopoor.Noprospects.I’llfindyouahusband.You
wantsomeoneprudent,stableandsensible.
ÁNGELA.No,Idon’t.IwantdonMelchor.He’smine.
SEBASTIÁN.Evenifhedoesn’tloveyou?
ÁNGELA.Evenifhedoesn’t.Thenunstoldmethattoloveistosuffer.
SEBASTIÁN.Then,stoplovinghimandyou’llstopsuffering.
ÁNGELA.Ican’t.Iwanttolovehimandtosuffer!
SEBASTIÁN.Well,that’snotgoingtohappen.Youmustforgethim.
ÁNGELA.Forgethim!I’llsuffertoomuchifIdo.
SEBASTIÁN.Letmegetthisright.You’llsufferifyoulovehimandyou’llsufferifyoudon’t?
ÁNGELA.That’sright.
SEBASTIÁN.Thenthere’sonlyoneoptionopentome.
ÁNGELA.What?
SEBASTIÁN.I’llhavehimkilled.
24
ÁNGELA.What?You’dmurderthemanIlove?
SEBASTIÁN.ThewayIseeit,withhisdeath,yourloveforhimwilldietoo,andwithityour
suffering.
ÁNGELA.Thatsameremedycouldbeappliedtoyou.Whydon’twehaveyourMagdalena
murderedandthenyourloveandyoursufferingwillbeovertoo!
SEBASTIÁN.There’ssomethingelsewecoulddo:disrupttheirwedding.
ÁNGELA.How?
SEBASTIÁN.IcouldclaimthatMagdalenapromisedtomarryme.
ÁNGELA.Andyourwitnesses?
SEBASTIÁN.Don’tIhaveservantsandgoodfriendsreadytobackmeup?
ÁNGELA.Thatmaybeagooddelayingtactic,butnotenoughtopersuadehertomarryyou.
SEBASTIÁN.IfIcandelaythewedding,I’mconfidentthateventuallymynobilityandespecially
mywealthwillwintheday.Herfatherisoldandthereforecovetous,likealloldmen.Sixty
thousandsducatsperannumplustheknighthoodIexpecttobeawardedsoonshouldbe
enoughtopersuadebothofthem.
ÁNGELA.DonMelchorissohandsome,inavirtuouskindofway.
SEBASTIÁN.Moneyandatitleareevenmorehandsome.
ÁNGELA.Well,you’dbettergetonwithitthen.Beforetheysignthecontract.
SEBASTIÁN.Iwon’twasteanotherminute.Bye,sister.
ÁNGELA.Bye,brother.
ExitSebastián.EnterVentura.
VENTURA.Iwaslookingfor...butIseehe’snothere.
ÁNGELA.Wait!Don’tgo!
VENTURA.Mymaster’swaitingforme.
ÁNGELA.Listen.
VENTURA.I’mallears.
ÁNGELA.What’syourname?
VENTURA.Ventura.
ÁNGELA.That’sagoodname.
VENTURA.I’madventurousbynature.
25
ÁNGELA.Didn’tyouarriveyesterdayfromLeón?
VENTURA.Idid.
ÁNGELA.Canyoukeepasecret?
VENTURA.IcankeepitbetterthanIcankeepmymaster’spurse.
ÁNGELA.Thisringwillmakeyoudiscreet.
VENTURA.(putsringonhisfinger)Itwillcertainlyhelp.
ÁNGELA.DoyouknowwhoIam?
VENTURA.Noidea.
ÁNGELA.Doyouthinkyourmastercouldfallinlovewithme?
VENTURA.(lookingattheringinhishand)Ihavenodoubt.
ÁNGELA.Butisn’tyourmaster’sheartreallysetondoñaMagdalena?
VENTURA.No,notreally.Hefindsmorefaultsinherthaninarentedmule.Hewon’tmarryher.
ÁNGELA.WhythendidhecomeallthewayfromLeón?
VENTURA.Becausehewantedtowedhermoney.Butthenthisladyhappened.
ÁNGELA.Lady?Whatlady?
VENTURA.Alady,orratheralady’shandhefellinlovewith.
ÁNGELA.Andsheloveshimtoo?
VENTURA.Madly.
ÁNGELA.Who’sshe?
VENTURA.Aone-eyedcountessfromNaples.Shegavemethisotherring.
ÁNGELA.Andhername?
VENTURA.Thecountessofthepurse.
ÁNGELA.Whatkindoftitleisthat?
VENTURA.TheoneIgiveher,forshe’sagreatpursesnatcher.
ÁNGELA.Speakseriously.Who’sshe?
VENTURA.Mymasterfellinlovewithherhandandtodayshe’spromisedtogiveittousin
marriageassoonasshesettlesherfather’swill.Hediedbutyesterday.
ÁNGELA.Sheovercamehergriefratherspeedily.
VENTURA.That’sright.She’safastworker,likemymaster.It’sloveatfirstsightwithhim.As
soonashefindsoutyoulovehim,he’llchangehismindagain.Allhe’sseenofthiscountess
isonehandandoneeye.Themomentyoushowhimyournose,yourmouthandyourchin,
26
he’llforgetherandfallinlovewithyou.Trustme.That’sthewaytohisheart.Showhima
fewpartsofyouranatomyandhe’syours.AndnowI’dbettergobeforeIgetintotrouble.
SCENESIX
EnterMagdalena,wearingadifferentdress,andQuiñones.
MAGDALENA.I’minaquandary,Quiñones.Ifindmyselflovedandhated,desiredandrejected.
Veiled,he’spassionatelyinlovewithme;unveiled,hethinksmeuglyanddetestable.Being
myownrivalforhisaffections,I’mjealousofmyself!Thishandofmineisoffendedbythe
attentionsthatmyotherhandreceives.Whenhepraisesmyeyes,Ifeelaggrieved.Amere
cloaksufficestomakehimeitherloveordetestme.Towedmeheagreestobreakoffour
engagement.AndI,whofollowhisstepslikeashadow,crywhenI’mpleased,losewhenI
win,andloathehimwhenheadoresme.
QUIÑONES.Well,ifyouwantmyopinion,youonlyhaveyourselftoblame.Bynottellinghimwho
youare,you’venowgottwowomeninonebody.That’swhyyouwishhimtoleaveyoufor
yourself.Youwanttobethewinnerinthewaryouwageagainstyourself.Andyouprevent
himfrommarryingyoubyaskinghimtotearupyourmarriagecontract.Ifyouaskme,you
canonlycomplainofoneperson:yourself.
EnterÁngela,Sebastián,JerónimoandAlonsoandspeakunawaresofMagdalenaand
Quiñones,wholistentotheirconversation.
MAGDALENA.Hush!Myfather,mybrotherandthoseawfulneighboursarehere.Let’slistento
theirconversation.
ÁNGELA.Hisservanttoldme,andothershaveconfirmedit.Iamsimplyscandalized.
SEBASTIÁN.Icantestifytowhatmysistersays.Ididnotwanttobelieveitatfirst,untilIsawit
withmyowneyes.He’salreadygivenhisword,Isuspectinwriting,andtheywouldalready
bemarried,haditnotbeenfortheunexpecteddeathoftheoldcount.Asyou’reour
27
neighbour,Iwasnaturallyconcerned.Nipitinthebud,Isay,beforeitdoesirreparable
harmtoyourreputation.
ALONSO.DonMelchorinlovesosoon?Hearrivedonlyyesterdayandyoutellmethattodayhe’s
practicallymarried.Whocanbelievesuchathing?
SEBASTIÁN.Howdoyouknowhowlonghe’sbeeninMadrid?Maybehearrivedweeksagoin
disguiseandincognito.Whoknowswhathe’sbeenuptosincethen?
JERÓNIMO.IfdonLuis,hiscousin,andIhadnothappenedtobumpintohimyesterdaybypure
chance,Idoubthe’dhavepaidusavisit.
ALONSO.Enough!Ifyou’veseenitandheardit,howcanIdoubtit?Isn’teverythinginthistown
purechicaneryandillusion?(noticingher)Magdalena!
MAGDALENA.Father.
ALONSO.Haveyouaccidentallyoverheardourconversation?
MAGDALENA.Ihave,father.DonMelchor,thinkinghimselfworthyofmorebeautyandwealth
thanIcanoffer,isabouttobecomeacount.
ALONSO.Youknowthattoo?
MAGDALENA.Yes.Hiswife-to-be,who’sagoodfriendofmine,confidedthatacertainDon
Melchor,poorbutofnoblefamily,hadrecentlyarrivedinMadridtomarryanotherwoman,
butthathavingmether,inthecourseofasinglehour,he’dmanagedtowinherloveand
affection.Theywouldalreadybehusbandandwife,hadn’titbeenfortheinopportune
deathofherfather.Shedoesn’tknowthatIamtheotherwoman,andIthoughtit
convenientnottodisabusehersoastodiscoverthewholetruthaboutthissordidbusiness.
Andtotopitall,she’sinvitedmetobeaguestattheirwedding,whichwilltakeplaceon
Sunday.Itwillbeaprivateaffair,becauseofhermourning.
ALONSO.Thisisbeyondbelief!Andwho’sthiscountess?
MAGDALENA.Ican’tdisclosethat.I’vebeensworntosecrecyuntilthematterisconcluded.
JERÓNIMO.Thedamntraitor!Revenge!
ALONSO.Nevermindthat.IthinkourMagdalenaisluckytohaveescapedmarriagetosucha
perfidiousandtwo-facedman.
MAGDALENA.(pretendingtocry)Shehasbeautifulhandsanddazzlingeyes;she’sacountessand
he’sdyingtobecomeacount.Iwishhimthebestofluck!
28
ALONSO.Haveyoueverheardofsuchathing?AndtothinkthatIwantedhimtobeyourhusband
outoffriendshipforhisfather,mayherestinpeace.Butnevermind.I’llfindyouanother
husband,asnobleashe’sandfarricher.
SEBASTIÁN.Ioffermyselftobethatman,donAlonso,andIincludemysisterinthebargain.
Insteadofneighbourswe’llbecomefamily.I’llmarryMagdalenaandmysisterÁngelawill
beJerónimo’swife.Herdowryamountstotwelvehundredthousandducats.AndIenjoyan
annualrentofsixtythousand.
JERÓNIMO.Ifyouagree,father,I’llbeforevergratefultothatsnake,donMelchor,sincehis
refusaltowedmysisteraffordsmesuchabeautifulconsort.
ÁNGELA.(asidetotheaudience)We’llseeaboutthat!
ALONSO.Ifindyourofferverygenerous,donSebastián,butlet’snotbetoohasty.Iseedon
Melchor’sapproaching.Weshallhearwhatthefuturecounthastosayforhimself.
EnterMelchorandVentura.
MELCHOR.Greetings,donAlonsoandthecompany!Iwantedtoseeyou,sir,andyoutoo
Magdalena,toinformyouthat...afriendofminefromLeón,acaptain,hasjustarrivedin
MadridonhiswaytoToledo.He’sgoingtomarrythereandneedsaguarantor,totestify
thathe’sindeedwhoheclaimstobe.He’saskedmetoaccompanyhimandIcannotingood
consciencedenyhisrequest.So,I’vecometoaskforyourpermissiontobeabsent,much
againstmywill,forafewdays.
ALONSO.You’reveryconsideratetoinformus,donMelchor.Iwishyouasafejourney.Andon
yourreturn,pleasemakesureyoupayusanothervisit.You’llwanttocongratulate
Magdalena,forIsuspectthat,briefasyourabsencemaybe,she’dhavefoundanother
husbandbythen.Exit.
JERÓNIMO.Yourjourney,donMelchor,isnotaslongasyouclaim.Yourdestinationis,Ibelieve,a
fewhundredyardsdownthestreet.Please,acceptmycongratulationsonyourimpending
marriageandontheacquisitionofatitle.(hisses)Youvillain,you’llpayforthis!Exit.
SEBASTIÁN.Iregrettohaveknownyouforsuchashorttime,sir.Mayyouenjoyyourcountess
formuchlonger.Exit.
ÁNGELA.Ifit’snottooinconvenient,pleaseletusknowthesecretlocationofyourwedding,and
alsothetime,sothatwemayrejoicewithyou.Isoloveweddings!Exit.
29
VENTURA.Quiñones,thebundleofclothesIgaveyouyesterday,twoshirtsandaruff...
QUIÑONES.They’redownbytheriver.ThewasherwomaniscalledMaryPines.Gofindher.If
you’realsogettinghooked,you’llneedtowearacleanshirt.Andasforyou,donMelchor,
mayyoulivelongenoughtoseeyourgreatgrandsonsbecome,theoldest,anarchduke,and
therestatleastarchbishops.Exit.
MAGDALENA.They’veallcongratulatedyou,donMelchor,butIwillnot.Instead,I’llofferyoumy
condolences.Aboutanhourago,thecountess,whoisadearfriendofmine,toldmethatan
uncleofhersisarrivingtodayinMadridtoescortherbacktoItaly.Itseemsthatshemay
loseherinheritanceaswellasallhervastestatesifshedoesn’twedacertainSignore
SalvatoreCosmano,hercousin.ShemustperforcegotoValencia,whereshe’llsailatonce
forNaples.She’sbeentoldtohurry,fortheseasarefullofpiratesandsherunstheriskof
beingkidnappedorworse.Sheaskedmetosaygoodbyetoyouonherbehalf.AndIcantell
youthat,whiledoingso,Isawherwipeawayatearwithherdivine,angelichand,so
differentfrommyowncoarseandruggedappendage.Myfatherwillfindmeahusbandand
I’llfollowhiswishes,likethedutifuldaughterIam.Iregrettotellyou,donMelchor,that
youseemtobeoneofthemanywhoarecalledbutnotoneofthefewwhoarechosen.Exit.
VENTURA.Wow!She’sleftyoulookin’likeafoolwithyourbreechesontheground!You’renowa
countindoubletandhose!Theymadeamonkeyoutofyou!Tohavetwowomentellyouto
getlostinonedayisnomeanfeat.Webetterhopetheseringstheygavemearefirmerthan
theyare.Else,we’llsleeponthestreettonight.
MELCHOR.(downcast)IwanttoreturntoLeón,Ventura.
VENTURA.And,praytellme,whatareyougoingtodothere,wifelessandpurseless?
MELCHOR.Ihaveenoughmoneytolivemodestly.Let’sleavethislabyrinth,whereloversarewed
andwidowedatthesametime.IswearoffMadrid!Youwereright,Ventura.Nothingiswhat
itseemsinthistown.
VENTURA.Itoldyou!Butitmaynotbetoolatetofindaremedy.Yourcountessisgoingbackto
Chirinolaandwon’treturnanytimesoon.ButMagdalenaisstillhereandsingle.Andshe’s
verybeautiful.She’spissedoffwithyounow,ofcourse.Butyoucantalkherroundto
consentingtomarryyouagain.Begherfathertoforgiveyou.Trytowinoverherbrother.
Sueforpeaceandwhispersweetnothingsinherear.Youcanstillsucceedingettingwhat
youcamehereforinthefirstplace.Andforgetaboutthatdamnhand!
30
MELCHOR.Ifthatangelichandcouldonlybeexpungedfrommymind,I’dfollowyouradvice,
Ventura.
VENTURA.Andifyoudon’tlikedoñaMagdalena,there’sherneighbour,doñaÁngela,who’salso
gotthehotsforyou.Andshebringsadowryoftwelvehundredthousandducats!
MELCHOR.They’reallasnothingtome,comparedtomycountess.
VENTURA.Fine!BacktoLeónwemarchthen!I’llgoandpackoursuitcases.
EnterSantillana.
SANTILLANA.Excuseme,sirs!IsthereagentlemanherefromLeón?
VENTURA.He’sourcountess’footman.ThisisthegentlemanfromLeón,Serum.
SANTILLANA.Greetings!Thecountess,mylady,theonewhospoketoyouthismorning,sends
youthisletterandthisgift.
MELCHOR.So,mylady,thecountess,isstillinMadrid?
SANTILLANA.Whereelse?
MELCHOR.Ventura,givehimacoin.
VENTURA.Acoin,myfoot!
MELCHOR.DoasIsay.
VENTURA.Giveawayafewmorecoinsandwe’llbebucknaked.Here,takeit.
MELCHOR.Listen,Ventura,toherletter.Thisiswhatshewrites:“Totestyourlove,Itold
MagdalenaaboutmyreturntoNaplesandmyimpendingmarriagetomycousinSalvatore.
Theseareliesdesignedtodeceiveherandtomakesurethatyourloveisastrueasyou
declareittobe.Totieyouoverinthemeantime,thisfootmanwilldelivertoyoutwo
thousandescudosandaparcelwithsomenewshirtsandadozenNaplesbiskets.Ilook
forwardtoseeingyouatLaVitoriatomorrowattheusualtime.Love,yourcountess.”Forget
aboutthesuitcases,Ventura!
VENTURA.They’reforgotten!She’sgivenustwothousandescudos!
MELCHOR.Yousee?TherewasnojourneytoNaples,noarrangedmarriage!Shewantstoseeme
again!
VENTURA.Twothousandescudos!Comehere,Serum!Iwanttogiveyouabig,wetkiss!
SANTILLANA.Getoffme!D’youwanttheInquisitionknockingatyourdoor?
31
MELCHOR.“IlookforwardtoseeingyouatLaVitoriaattheusualtime”!Ah,myadorablehand!I
shallbeholdyouagain!
SCENESEVEN
EnterÁngelaandQuiñones.
QUIÑONES.IknowI’mbetrayingmymistressbyhelpingyou,butyourbrother’sliberalityhas
wonmeover.He’sbeensogeneroustome!Somanypresents,somanyattentions.Whocan
resisthim?He’sindeedatruegentleman.ButImusttellyou:evenwithmyhelp,youwon’t
succeedwhiledonMelchor’sinfatuationforthecountesslasts.Sheonlypretendedtobe
leavingforNaplestofindoutifhetrulylovedher.
ÁNGELA.So,thecountessisstillinMadrid?She’snotgoingtowedhercousin?
QUIÑONES.Notatall!Itwasallarusetodiscoverif,withheroutofthepicture,donMelchor
wouldmarrydoñaMagdalena.Butnow,seeinghowhereactedtothenews,howhestill
rejectsdoñaMagdalena’sbeautyandwealth,andhowhe’sreadytoreturntohisnative
Leóntolivetherealoneandinpoverty—whichisenoughtomeltaheartofstone—shesent
himtwothousandescudos,somenewshirtsandadozenNaplesbisketstogetherwitha
noteaskinghimtomeethertomorrowatLaVitoria,whereallwillbeexplainedandtheir
marriagearranged!
ÁNGELA.Andhowdoyouknowallthis?
QUIÑONES.Santillana,herfootman,toldme.
ÁNGELA.Well,Ican’tallowthattohappen.
QUIÑONES.Iknow.And,sinceI’mdeterminedtohelpyouandyourbigheartedbrother,here’s
myplantothwartthem.
ÁNGELA.Tellme.I’mallears.
QUIÑONES.Tomorrow,youmustdressinmourningandgotoLaVitoriamakingsurethatyour
faceisconcealedunderyourhoodedcloak.Takethispurse,whichdonMelchorentrustedto
mymistress.I’llexplainlaterhowitcametomypossession.He’llbeexpectingthecountess,
andonseeingyouhe’dundoubtedlymistakeyouforher.AsIhavelearned,allhe’sseenof
32
thatladyisonehandandhalf-an-eye.Showhimyourownhand,whichisnolessbeautiful
thanhers.Givehimhispurse,asconfirmationthatyouareindeedthecountess.Sayhow
pleasedyouarethathe’sspurnedMagdalenaforyoursake.Declareyourloveandyour
eagernesstobehislawfullyweddedwife.Ifallthisworksout,you’llfindyourselfmarried
tothemanyoufancy;yourbrotherwillweddoñaMagdalena;andperhapsdoña
Magdalena’sbrother,donJerónimo,willseizethisopportunitytomarrythecountess.And
thenwe’llallbemerrilycelebratingatriplewedding!Anditwillallbemydoing!
ÁNGELA.Ifallthisworksoutasyou’veplannedit,youshallbehandsomelyrewarded...
QUIÑONES.Ishouldthinkso.
ÁNGELA....inheaven.
DAYTHREESCENEEIGHT
EnterMelchorandLuis.
LUIS.IthoughtyouwereonyourwaybacktoLeón.
MELCHOR.Thingshavechanged,Luis.Mycountessismeetingmeheretoday.
LUIS.Butwasn’tshereturningtoNaples?
MELCHOR.No.Shedecidedtostayformysake.Cousin,youcanrejoicewithme.You’llseeme
turnedintoacountverysoon.Andmarriedtothemostbeautifulwomanonearth.
LUIS.Myheartiestcongratulations,Melchor!Andinreturn,offermeyourdeepestcondolences,
forIunderstandthatmybelovedMagdalenaistobemarriedtoherneighbour,don
Sebastián.AndJerónimo,Magdalena’sbrother,hasaskedforthehandofdonSebastián’s
sister,Ángela.Theoldman,donAlonso,hasconsentedtobothmarriages.Everything’s
arrangedtotheirsatisfaction,andIamburningwithjealousyandafraidofdoingsomething
I’dlaterregret.
33
MELCHOR.You’renotlosingmuch,Luis.I’dnotmarryMagdalenaifsheownedallthesilverin
Perú.Comparedtomydivinecountess’eyes,hersarecoldandlifeless,likethoseofadead
fish.
LUIS.I’llallowyoutoinsultherbeauty,forshewon’tbemineanymore.ButImustleaveyou,
Melchor.Onceagain,mycongratulations,evenifonthisoccasionyourhappinessonlylays
thefoundationsformywoe.There!Isaidit.Goodbye,cousin.
ExitLuisandenterVentura.
VENTURA.Helooksglum.What’swrongwithhim?
MELCHOR.Nothingthatconcernsyou,Ventura.Whatnewsdoyoubring?
VENTURA.Ourgoldencountessishere.Shewhogivestwothousandescudosfullydeservestobe
calledthat.Go,bowandscrapeandkneelinfrontofsuchabountifuldeity.
EnterÁngela,dressedinmourning,herfacehiddenbyahood.
MELCHOR.Mylady,whenwilldawnbreakyonder,throughthosedarkclouds?Whydon’tyou
cheerilyrousetheslumberingmorn?
ÁNGELA.DonMelchor,whydoyouspeaklikethat?Didyouperchancehadasleeplessnight?Was
itbecauseofmyfeignedabsence?
MELCHOR.Ididspendarestlessnight,mylady.Butthisjoyfuldaymorethancompensatesforit.
ÁNGELA.LovingyouasIdo,IcouldhardlygotoItalyleavingyoubehind.
MELCHOR.Givemelicencetokissyouradorablehand.
ÁNGELA.Myhandisnotforeverydayuse.Asarewardforyourconstancy,I’llshowyouoneof
myeyes.
MELCHOR.That’spayingmeingoldinsteadofsilver.
Ángelashowshimoneofhereyes.Venturaleansovertotakealookatit.
VENTURA.EitherI’mmuchmistakenorthat’snottheeyewesawyesterday.Yesterday’seyewas
darkbrownandthisoneisblue!
34
MELCHOR.Don’tpayanyattentiontothisfool,mylady.Itrustmysoulandmymemory,where
yourdazzlingeyeisindeliblyetched.IknowthisistheeyeIadore.But,whoisthis?
EnterMagdalena,dressedinblacklikeÁngela.
VENTURA.Anotherladyinmourning.
MAGDALENA.Iseenow,donMelchor,thatIwaswrongtotrustyou.Iabsentmyselfbutafew
hoursandyou’vealreadyfoundanotherlove.
MELCHOR.But...
MAGDALENA.Don’tsayanotherword!Now,saddenedatonemoreproofofmen’sficklenessand
treachery,I’mdefinitelyreturningtoItaly.Mayyouandyourladylivehappilyeverafter.
I’velearnedmylessonandwon’tbemadeafoolagainbyanotherSpaniard.
MELCHOR.Mylady,please,don’tgo.Tellme.Areyoumycountess?
MAGDALENA.That’swhatIassumed,thatIwasyours,butnowIseeIwassadlymistakenand
you’veallbutforgottenme.Goodbye!
MELCHOR.Please,countess,don’tleaveme!
ÁNGELA.Countess?Areyouinlovewithanothercountess?Youtraitor,double-crosser,villain!I
thankheavensthatI’vediscoveredyourduplicityintime.Ineverthoughtthemountainsof
Leóncouldbreedsuchdeceitfulmen.Goodbye!
MELCHOR.(toMagdalena)Countess,don’tgo!(toÁngela)Countess,pleaselistentome!
ÁNGELA.Thedaybeforeyesterdayyouaskedmetolookafterthispurse.Here!Takeit!
MELCHOR.Thisisindeedmypurse!
ÁNGELA.Exceptyouwon’tneeditnow,afterthetwothousandescudosIsentyouyesterday.
MELCHOR.Yousentmethatmoney?
ÁNGELA.AndthenewshirtsandtheNaplesbisketstoo.Usethemtoseduceanotherdefenceless
countessinthischurch,likeyouseducedme.
MAGDALENA.WhatdoIhear?You,acountess?YoumetdonMelchorinthischurch?Yougave
himmoney,newshirtsandNaplesbiskets?
ÁNGELA.OfcourseIdid.Anddon’tcomehere,dressedlikeme,tryingtogetcreditformygood
deeds!ThatpurseprovesthatIamdonMelchor’scountess.
MELCHOR.She’sright.That’smypurse.(toMagdalena)Madam,Idon’tknowwhoyouare.If
you’remakingfunofme,pleasestopthisinstant.
35
MAGDALENA.Thatpursemusthavebeenstolenfrommyhouse!Butwait.Here,lookatmyeye.
Don’tyourecognizeit?
MELCHOR.Ahlife-givingsun!Objectofmyinmostdesires!OfcourseIrecognizeyou.
MAGDALENA.Don’tyourememberthecordsofmypursehangingloosefrommybeltafterthe
thiefsnippedthem?
MELCHOR.Ido,Ido!
MAGDALENA.Arethesethesame?
MELCHOR.Theyare,theyare!
MAGDALENA.So,who’snowmakingfunofyou?Meorher?
ÁNGELA.Her!Ihavetherealcordsthatcutpursesnippedbackhome.Shemusthave
counterfeitedthosetodeceiveyou.
MELCHOR.Ventura,helpme!WhodoIbelieve?
VENTURA.Idon’tknow.Imustbedrunk,sinceI’mseeingdouble.
MELCHOR.Ladies,Idon’tknowwhichoneofyouistherealcountess,except...exceptforone
thing.Ihaveherdivinehandindeliblyetchedonmymind.Please,showmeyourhandsso
thatImayrecognizemytruelove.
MAGDALENA.I’mhappytodoso.
ÁNGELA.Metoo.
EnterJerónimoandSebastiánengagedin(miming)conversationatoneendofthestage.
MAGDALENA.(aside)Heavens!Mybrother!Hecan’tfindmehere.
ÁNGELA.(aside)GoodGod!Mybrother!Imustescape.
MAGDALENA.Iwasdeterminedtoclearupthisconfusion,donMelchor,butyoudon’tdeserveit.
Bye!Exitrunning.
ÁNGELA.I’mdisappointedatyourlackoffaithinme,soIwon’tshowyoumyhandafterall.
Goodbye!Bytheway,tomorrowIleaveforItaly!Exitrunning.
VENTURA.ShallIgoandpackoursuitcases?
MELCHOR.Ican’tbelievewhat’sjusthappened!
VENTURA.Ifit’sanyconsolation,we’retwothousandescudosahead,comparedtoyesterday.But
look!HerecomesdonJerónimoandhisneighbour.Theyeachhaveasisterinlovewithyou.
Whydon’tyouaskforthehandofoneofthem?
36
MELCHOR.Quiet!Iwanttohearwhatthey’resaying.
JERÓNIMO.Theamountofherdowryisofnoimportancetome,donSebastián.IloveÁngelaand
wishtomarryher.
SEBASTIÁN.AndIfellinlovewithMagdalenathemomentIsawher.Isn’titgreatthat,beside
beingneighbours,we’llnowbebrothers-in-lawtwiceover?
JERÓNIMO.But,wait!Isn’tthattheinfamouscountstandingoverthere?
SEBASTIÁN.That’shim.Ithoughthe’dbeveryfarfromherebynow.
JERÓNIMO.Toavoidanyunpleasantness,I’llpretendnottoseehim.
SEBASTIÁN.Metoo.Let’sgetoutofhere.
ExeuntJerónimoandSebastián.
VENTURA.Eithertheyhaven’tseenyou,ortheydon’twanttoseeyou.Butlookwhocomesnow.
EnterSantillana.
VENTURA.Whatremedydoyoubringus,Serum?
SANTILLANA.(inamonotone,notpayinganyattentiontoVentura)Mylady,thecountess,says
that,eventhoughsheisveryupsetwithyou,shestillwantstoseeyouonelasttime.Youare
togoateleveno’clockthiseveningtodoñaMagdalena’shouse.Shesaysyouknowthatlady
andwhereshelives.DoñaMagdalenaisingreattroubleandthecountessplanstospirither
awaytoherpalaceinNaples.Butbeforetheyleave,shewantsyoutogoandwaitbelowthe
windowthatfacesthenarrowalleywaythatrunsbehindthehouse.She’llseeyouthereand
speakwithyou.ShesaysthatdoñaMagdalenaisnottoknowanythingaboutthis,because
she’singreatdanger.Shetoldmenottoexpectareply,buttoremindyouthatitgetsnippy
atnight,sowrapupwarmanddon’tcatchacold!Bye.Exit.
MELCHOR.Wait,listen...
VENTURA.Ithinkhe’sdeaf.
MELCHOR.Whatdoyouthinkofthis,Ventura?
VENTURA.IthinkthisisatraplaidbyDoñaMagdalena’sfatherandbrother.
MELCHOR.Forwhatpurpose?
VENTURA.Toforceyoutomarryher.
37
MELCHOR.Buthaven’twejustheardthatshe’smarryingdonSebastián?
VENTURA.Youbrokeyourword.Maybetheywanttoteachyoualessonyouwon’tsoonforget.
MELCHOR.Nothingandnoonewillstopmefromfollowingmylady’scall.Thequestionis,which
ofthetwocountessesiscalling?
VENTURA.We’llsoonfindout.
SCENENINE
EnterMagdalena,wearingadifferentdress,andQuiñones,withMelchor’spurseinherhand.
MAGDALENA.DidyougiveSantillanamypreciseinstructions?
QUIÑONES.Idid.
MAGDALENA.Anddidheunderstandthem?
QUIÑONES.Imadehimrepeatthemadozentimes,untilhecouldrecitethembyheart.
MAGDALENA.Anddidyoutellhimnobodyelseistoknowaboutit?
QUIÑONES.Idid.Bytheway,Ifoundyourpurse.Hereitis.Iconcealeditsowell,IthoughtI’dlost
it.(asidetotheaudience)ThankGoddoñaÁngelareturneditjustintime!
MAGDALENA.So,itwasn’tstolenafterall.Then,thefakecountessmusthadhadonemadejust
likethisone.There’snootherpossibleexplanation.Buthowdidshefindoutwhat
happenedfromthemomentIsawdonMelchorinchurchuntiltoday?Sheknewallabout
thepurse,andthecountessofChirinola,andthetwothousandescudos,andthenewshirts
andeventheNaplesbiskets!Shepracticallyprovedtohimshe’stherealcountess!
QUIÑONES.Iwonderwhocould’vetoldher?
MAGDALENA.IwishIknew.
QUIÑONES.Well,atleastnowyoucanbejealousofanotherlady,andnotjustofyourself.
MAGDALENA.Howlittleyouknowme,Quiñones.Listen,doesn’tdonMelchorlovemeasthe
countess?
QUIÑONES.Hecertainlydoes.
MAGDALENA.Myrival,doesn’tshepretendtobethecountess?
QUIÑONES.That’swhatshecallsherself.
38
MAGDALENA.DoesdonMelchorloveherasthecountess?
QUIÑONES.Hedoes.
MAGDALENA.DoesdonMelchorhatemeasMagdalena?
QUIÑONES.Heseemsto.
MAGDALENA.Doesn’titthenfollowthatifmyrivalpretendedtobeMagdalenainsteadofthe
countess,he’dfleefromherashefleesfromme?
QUIÑONES.Isupposeso.
MAGDALENA.Therefore,I’matthesametimejealousofmyselfasthecountess,jealousofmyself
asmyrival,andjealousofmyrivalasthecountess.Iaminfactthreepersonsinone,likethe
Trinity.Andjealousofallthree!
QUIÑONES.Itremindsmeofthatthree-shellgametheyplayinthemarket.Buthereyouare
worryingaboutalltheseproblems,whileyourfatherandbrotherareplanningyour
weddingtodonSebastián.
MAGDALENA.Theirplansareoflittleconcerntomecomparedtomyjealousy.Quiñones,ifthey
shouldaskforme,tellthemI’mindisposedandrestinginmyroom.
QUIÑONES.Doyouwishtoliedownforalittlewhile?
MAGDALENA.No.
QUIÑONES.ShallIkeepyoucompany?
MAGDALENA.No.Ijustwishtobeleftalonewithmythoughts.
QUIÑONES.Whatever!
SCENETEN
Nighttime.EnterMelchorandVentura.
MELCHOR.Thisisthealley,Ventura,andthat’sthewindow.What’sthetime?
VENTURA.Itmustbeneareleveno’clock.
MELCHOR.Howpeacefulthedarkcanbe.
VENTURA.Themoonisshowingonlyhalf-an-eye,likeourchiri-countesses.
MELCHOR.Iwonderwhichofthetwoistherealone.Andwhat’stheotheroneupto?
39
VENTURA.Godonlyknows.
DoñaMagdalenaappearsatawindow.
MELCHOR.Butlook,seewherethemoonbeamglimmerswhiteonthatfaceatthewindow?
VENTURA.Iseeit.
MAGDALENA.Isthatyou,donMelchor?
MELCHOR.Isityou,mydearcountess?
MAGDALENA.Loweryourvoiceandcomecloser.Wemusn’tbeoverheard.
MELCHOR.WhenwillIbefortunateenoughtoseeyourheavenlyface?
MAGDALENA.WhenIamlessupsetwithyou.AndwhenI’mreassuredthatitwasn’tyouwho
devisedthatscenewiththeothercountess.Iknowthatyourecognizedher.
MELCHOR.HadIknownorlovedher,she’dhavenoneedtopretendtobeyou.
MAGDALENA.Isshebeautiful?
MELCHOR.Idoubtit,forthenshe’dnothaveattemptedtostealsomeoneelse’sbeauty.
MAGDALENA.Well,I’mreadytoforgiveyou,providedyouofferaremedy.
MELCHOR.AremedysuggeststhatIcausedsomeharm,andIassureyouthatI’mguiltless.ButI’ll
acceptyourforgivenessif,asitiscustomary,thepardonedisallowedtokissthehandofthe
pardoner.
MAGDALENA.Thiswindowisabittoohigh.Yourlipswon’treachmyhand.
MELCHOR.Loveovercomesallobstacles.Ventura,comehere!
VENTURA.Whatnow?
MELCHOR.Godownonyourhandsandknees.
VENTURA.What?Whatfor?
MELCHOR.Sothatmylipscankisstheheavenlyhandthatdanglessosweetlyupthere.
VENTURA.Meonallfours?WhatamI?Astepladder?Findyourselfaworkbenchorsomethingto
standon.
MELCHOR.Dothisforme,Ventura.
VENTURA.Yourbootsarefilthy.Ismybackashoescraper?
MELCHOR.I’llgetmadatyou.
VENTURA.Idon’tcare.
MELCHOR.WhatifIgiveyouoneofmybestdoublets?
40
VENTURA.Well,ifyouputitthatway...CanIhavetheblackonewiththesilvertrimmings?
MELCHOR.Yes.
VENTURA.Done.ButthisisthefirstandlasttimeIdothisforyou,youhear?
MELCHOR.Thanks,Ventura.
VENTURA.Hurryup,climbonmyback,kissherhandandlet’sbedonewithit.
MELCHOR.(climbsonVentura’sback)Omybeautifulhand!Howlovinglyyouwaitforme!
VENTURA.Getonwithit!You’renotafeather,youknow?
MELCHOR.ThisisthehandIlove.
MAGDALENA.Itwillsoonbeyoursforever.
MELCHOR.HowhappyI’llbetofeelitslightweightonmyhand!
VENTURA.HowpissedIamfeelingyourweightinessonmyback!Couldyoupleasewrapitup?
You’reheavierthanadebt.Myback’sbentlikeachorizosausage!
MELCHOR.(kissingherhand)Mydarling,mypreciousangel,mydearest!
VENTURA.Enough!Ican’ttakeitanymore!
VenturarollsonhissideandMelchorfallsdown.
MELCHOR.Ah,damnyou!
VENTURA.I’mlikearentedmule.WhenIgettired,Ijustliedown.
MELCHOR.IfIdidn’tconsiderthat...
VENTURA.Considerwhateveryoulike.Mybackcouldn’ttakeitanymore.
MAGDALENA.Now,listen,mybeloveddonMelchor.
MELCHOR.I’mlistening.
MAGDALENA.Haveyourecoveredfromyourcruelfall?
VENTURA.He’srecovered.Ihaven’t.
MELCHOR.Whatdoyouwanttotellme,mydarling?
MAGDALENA.Idon’twishtomisleadyouanymore.Tomorrow,I’mdepartingforItaly.
Burdensomeobligations,imposedonmebyalasttestamentandwill,obligemetomarry
mycousinSalvatoreMancuso.Andmyuncleurgesmetoreturn,acceptmyresponsibilities
anddomyduty.Idelayedmydepartureonlytoseeyou.Tomorrow,Iwillbetakenawayto
Naples.Ah!IwishIcouldstaywithyou.Butasitisnotpossible,Iwantthesecondbest
thing.Listen.IloveMagdalenaasIlovemyself.Iknowsheadoresyou.Iwouldliketorepay
41
herfriendshipandherkindness.AndtheonlywayIknowhowtoisbyofferingyoutoher.
Shelovesyou.Youarepoor.She’sasrichasshe’sbeautiful.Mysorrowwillonlybelessened
bytheknowledgethatshe’lltakemyplaceinyourheart.BetruetoheranddowhatIaskof
you,foritwillbemylastrequest.
MELCHOR.Ifthisisalltrue,andmymalevolentfatehasordainedthattonightIbothwinandlose
you—andeventhoughwhatyou’reaskingmeisanextraordinarysacrifice,for,compared
toyou,thegoddessofbeautyitselfwouldseemuglytome—toshowyouhowmuchIlove
youandhowIobeyyoursmallestwishtotheletter,Ipromisetodowhatyouask,evenif
marryingMagdalenaiscertaindeathtome.ButsinceI’mtoloseyouanyway,deathis
welcometome.
MAGDALENA.Youareindeedtheepitomeoflovers.Waithereaminute.I’llcallher.Andright
here,you’retoholdherhandandsolemnlypromisetomarryher.Willyoudothat?
MELCHOR.I’llobeyyourwishes.
MAGDALENA.Butyoumustbenicetoher.Speaksweetwordsoflove.
MELCHOR.Mytonguewillutterthem,butnotmysoul.
MAGDALENA.Andyou’llpromisetomarryher?
MELCHOR.IsaidthatIwill.
MAGDALENA.Ah,youtraitor!Unfaithfullover!HowcouldI’veevertrustedyou?So,mysmallest
wishwouldinduceyoutomarrysomeoneelse.Itwould,wouldn’tit?Well,Iwantamore
constantlover,asteadfastcompanion,firmandunwaveringinhisaffections!
MELCHOR.Lightofmyday,mycountess,pleasedon’tgo!Wait,hearmeout!
MAGDALENA.Whatcanyousayinyourdefence?
MELCHOR.Don’tbeoffendedbywhatIimaginedwasyourdearestwish.YouknowthatI
acceptedyourrequesttomarryawomanIabhoronlybecauseyoucommandedmetodo
so.Iexpectedpraiseformysublimesacrifice,notcensure.
MAGDALENA.EvenifshewereembarkingfortheIndies,whatwomancouldpossiblyaskher
lovertolovesomeoneelse?Iexpectedvehementprotestationsfromyou,afirmrefusalto
goagainstyourinclinations,adeclarationofyourundyinglove.Iwantedyoutodescribein
detailhermanyshortcomings,herinadequacies.Thatwouldhavemademehappyand
makemeloveyouevenmore.Didn’tyousaybutyesterdaythatsheleftyoucold,thatshe
wasstupid,thatyou’dpreferdeathtomarriagetoher?
42
MELCHOR.Enough,enough,mybeloved.IknowI’veerred.Please,forgiveme.Iswearonthe
mostsacredthat,asfarasI’mconcerned,there’snomonstercomparabletoMagdalena.
EvenifyoudepartforNaplesandIwerepromisedallthegoldthatthesunengendersinthe
depthsoftheearth,I’dnotconsenttomarryher.
MAGDALENA.(speakingintwodifferentvoices)–What’sgoingonhere?–Ah,it’syou,Magdalena,
myfriend.Come,comeforward.Here’syourdonMelchorsayinghorriblethingsaboutyou.
I’lllethimrepeatthemtoyourface.IamtiredandI’mgoingtobed.(Sheleavesandreturns
amomentlaterspeakinginadifferentvoice).DonMelchor,hewhospeaksbadlyofwomen
behindtheirbacksisnotonlydiscourteousbutunworthyofmyrespectandofthecountess’
love.I’vecometotheconclusionthatyou’reamanoflimitedintelligence,unableto
appreciateawomanlikeme.Ablindmanwouldhardlybeagoodjudgeofcolours,would
he?So,gobacktothemountainsofLeónandkeepcompanytoyoursheep.InMadridyou’re
clearlyoutofyourdepth.(leavesthewindow).
VENTURA.Well,shekeptnothingback,didshe?Buthowdidsheknowaboutthesheep?
EnterAlonso,Jerónimo,andSebastiánwithlights.
ALONSO.Didyousaythere’sasuspiciousmanprowlingthisalley?
JERÓNIMO.That’swhatmyservanttoldme.
VENTURA.Ithinkwebettermakeourselvesscarce.
SEBASTIÁN.Theretheyare!
ALONSO.Isn’tthisdonMelchor?
JERÓNIMO.Deathtothetraitor!
ALONSO.No,wait!Sheathyoursword,myson.DonMelchor,whatkindofmadnessisthis?Do
youneedtocomeandspeaktomydaughterinsecret,inthedark,inthemiddleofthenight
whenyouhadeveryopportunitytodosoopenlyandinthelightofday?
JERÓNIMO.Thisisanattempttocompromisemygoodsister’sname!Revenge!
MELCHOR.Youcouldn’tbemorewrong,ifyouthinkI’mhereforyoursister.
ALONSO.Whothen?
MELCHOR.Thecountess,yourguest.Shecommandedmetocomeheretospeakwithher.
ALONSO.Acountessinmyhouse?
MELCHOR.Yesindeed.
43
JERÓNIMO.Areyououtofyourmind?There’snocountesshere.
MELCHOR.Iwasjustspeakingtoheratthatwindow.
JERÓNIMO.DonMelchor,youcan’twriggleoutofthiswithsuchhumbug!
VENTURA.Mymasterspeaksthetruth.Iservedasthebenchonwhichhestoodtoreachher
hand.Mybackwilltestifytothatfact.
ALONSO.Heavens!Acountessinmyhousewithoutmyknowledge?
EnterÁngela.
ÁNGELA.Yes,donAlonso!Iamtheonewho,concealedbehindmycloak,pretendedtobea
countesstowindonMelchor’slove.Andthisevening,throughthatwindow,Ipromisedto
behislegallyweddedwife.
SEBASTIÁN.Sister!Whatareyousaying?
ÁNGELA.ThatIhavefreewillandwill,withSaintAnthony’shelp,marrywhomeverIplease.
MELCHOR.Ah,mybeloved.Mysoulacknowledgedyou,eventhoughmyeyeshadneverseenyou
whole.Youaremytruewife!
EnterMagdalena,QuiñonesandSantillana.
MAGDALENA.No,sheisnot!She’sdeceivedyou.She’susurpedmytitle.I’myourcounterfeit
countessandyourtruewife.AndIcanproveit.Here’sthepurseandthecutstringsand
herearemytwowitnesses,Quiñones,mymaid,andSantillana,myfootman.
SANTILLANA.That’sthetruth.I’veservedasherfootmanandherpostman.
MAGDALENA.Andforthefinal,definitiveproof,here’smyhand,whichsparkedyourloveforme
inthefirstplace.
MELCHOR.Irecognizeit,and,ashamedofmyself,Ibegyoutoallowmetokissit.
ALONSO.DonSebastián,lovecomesunbidden.Wemustneedsacceptthatthismarriagewas
madeinheaven...Ithink.
SEBASTIÁN.Iagree.Besides,it’sgettinglateandthisplayisbecomingaltogethertooconfusing
andlackinginsense.Let’sputanendtoit,Isay.Ángela,donJerónimowillbeyourhusband.
ÁNGELA.Well,ifIcan’thavedonMelchor,I’llmakedowithdonJerónimo.
JERÓNIMO.AndIwithyou,mydear.
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