revising the final paper part 1: content revision

Revising the final paperPart 1: Content revision

For our next meeting

1. Please bring your draft again for next meeting

2. You may also bring your laptop.

Body draft evaluation sheet: Areas covered

• Content • Logic: Logical soundness: absence of errors in

logic; clear connection of the different sections to the thesis

• Sufficiency of evidence: Presentation of specific details (ex. figures, examples) to support the arguments (reasons)

• Strengthening of the refutation

• Composition:• Coherence (Paragraph): local coherence;

linkage of ideas/sentences in the paragraph level

• Coherence (Essay): global coherence; linkage of paragraphs in the entire essay

• Grammar & mechanics: formal American English rules; punctuations

• Style:• Word choice• Conciseness• Distancing • Hedging

• Documentation• In-text citation (I-TC)• Reference list (Ref.)

CONTENT PROBLEMS

LOGIC

1. Irrelevant parts (sentences or paragraphs)Some sentences/paragraphs seem to have no

connection with the RQ/TS or the argument discussed in a particular section.

2. Missing/ “buried” arguments The student did not present the arguments

(pro-, counter, refutation) The arguments are “buried” somewhere.

LOGIC

3. Weak refutation: The refutation is not very convincing because the reader is not told why the refutation is more believable than the counter-A.

1. Irrelevant parts

• Remove or relocate irrelevant parts• Clarify the need for these parts

2. Missing / “buried” arguments

• State the argument • Compare your outline with the body draft: Are

the arguments in the outline repeated in the body paragraphs?

• Arguments used as headings turn these to topic sentences

2. Missing / “buried” arguments

• “Buried” arguments = not given a prominent place in a paragraph

• SOLUTION: Properly manage emphasis: Emphasize what should be emphasized; deemphasize what should not be emphasized.

• What should you be emphasizing?• What is your goal?

Managing emphasis

Emphasized

• The beginning and end of paragraphs

• The beginning of sentences

• Complete sentences or independent clauses

• Statements that are repeated

Deemphasized

• The middle of paragraphs

• The middle and end of sentences

• Subordinate clauses and phrases

Goal: Introduction (G-S): definition of memory

The human mind is defined as the brain in action. The mind can perform different mental tasks that the brain alone cannot do. Different cognitive processes occur within the mind, such as dreaming, thinking, and deciding. Emotions also happen in the mind. Memory is one of the most complicated processes the mind can do.

Goal: Introduction (G-S) of memory

The human mind is defined as the brain in action. The mind can perform different mental tasks that the brain alone cannot do. Different cognitive processes occur within the mind, such as dreaming, thinking, deciding, and feeling. Memory is one of the most complicated processes the mind can do.

GOAL: To prove that TV viewing causes childhood obesity

Pro-argument 1: Because of the coupled behaviors of viewing and snacking, TV viewing can lead to increased caloric intake .

Pro-argument 1: Because of the coupled behaviors of viewing and snacking, TV viewing can lead to increased caloric intake

Obesity is caused mainly by the excessive intake of calories relative to their expenditure. In other words, people become obese because they eat more calories than they spend on activities. Because TV viewing triggers snacking, there emerges a behavioral link between TV exposure and an excessive intake of calories; this eventually leads to obesity. This behavioral coupling is shown in a study by. . .

Pro-argument 1: Because of the coupled behaviors of viewing and snacking, TV viewing can lead to increased caloric intake

Obesity is caused mainly by the excessive intake of calories relative to their expenditure. In other words, people become obese because they eat more calories than they spend on activities. Because TV viewing triggers snacking, there emerges a behavioral link between TV exposure and an excessive intake of calories; this eventually leads to obesity. This behavioral coupling is shown in a study by. . .

“buried”

TV viewing leads to obesity because of the behavioral link between TV exposure and an excessive intake of calories. Obesity is caused mainly by the excessive intake of calories relative to their expenditure. In other words, people become obese because they eat more calories than they spend on activities. This excessive caloric intake occurs because, as studies have demonstrated, TV viewing triggers snacking behavior. This is proven in a study of . . .

emphasized

restates the argument in preparation for the supporting evidence.

links background info to the argument

Additional

• Strengthen the connection of your arguments to the RQ/TS:• Mention keywords or their synonyms or

substitute terms from the RQ or TS as you present the arguments.

Example

TS: The age of criminal responsibility should not be decreased to 15.

• Pro Argument:

At fifteen, children are still incapable of adult judgment. . . . <evidence>

BETTER:

The age of criminal responsibility should not be decreased because at the age of 15, children are still incapable of adult judgment.

Example

Counterargument:

The lenient treatment dealt to child-criminals emboldens them to commit more serious crimes. According to the MMDA. . . . <evidence>

BETTER:

One criticism against the current juvenile delinquency law is that the lenient treatment dealt to child-criminals emboldens them to commit more serious crimes. According to the MMDA. . . . [evidence]

Revision activity: 5 minutes

1. Read your pro-argument section(s).

2. Is the argument stated? If not, put this in.

3. Has the argument been buried? Put this in a place of emphasis and make the necessary adjustments on the rest of the paragraph.

4. Add explicit connecting statements to the RQ/TS as needed.

REFUTATION

Strengthening the refutation

• Weak presentation: The refutation is not very convincing because the reader is not told why the refutation is more believable.

• TS: The use of electronic media as instructional material does not increase students’ learning.

Some researchers claim that the use of television or video shows as class instructional material enhances students’ learning by increasing their interest in the subject matter and reducing boredom (Harvey, 1993). However, Gustaffson’s (2006) study shows no significant difference between test scores of students who had only a lecture as compared to those who had a lecture plus a video presentation. [evidence] Another study by Levin (1998) study also reveals similar results. [evidence]

Some researchers claim that the use of television or video shows as class instructional material enhances students’ learning by increasing their interest in the subject matter and reducing boredom which takes away their focus on the subject matter (Harvey, 1993). However, more recent experimental studies tend to disprove this supposed effectiveness. Gustaffson’s (2006) study shows no significant difference between test scores of students who had only a lecture as compared to those who had a lecture plus a video presentation. [evidence] Another study by Levin (1998) study also reveals similar results. [evidence]

Authorial comment that shows

your assessment of the strength

of your sources or evidence over

the opposition.

Revision activity: 5 minutes

1. Locate your refutation section.

2. Put in an authorial comment to strengthen your refutation.

SUFFICIENCY OF EVIDENCE

Insufficient evidence

• No facts, only generalizations are given.

Include factual support from your sources: state the bases of their conclusions

include research details that will add to the credibility of your evidence

Including factual support

Capital punishment should not be implemented because, as Langston (2003) says, it is not a deterrent to crime.

Capital punishment should not be implemented because it is not a deterrent to crime. Langston (2003) makes this conclusion based on a comparison of the crime rates before and after capital punishment was implemented in the UK. The results show only a “statistically insignificant” change of .0032%. . .

Adding research details to increase credibility

• Number of participants in the study• Duration• Methodology

Adding research details

According to the National Obesity Research Group (2009), obesity affects the health not only of the obese persons but also of their offspring. . .

A 20-year study by the National Obesity Research Group (2009) involving 1,945 participants in America shows that obesity affects the health not only of the obese persons but also of their offspring. . . .

Others

Vague or general words/phrases:• affect / X has an effect• influence / X has an influence• X has consequences• X will have an outcome

Solution:

1. Qualify X has a negative effect on learning

X leads to favorable consequences

Solution:

2. Exemplify or Explain:

Marijuana affects the central nervous system. It causes mental blocks, panic attacks, and...

3. Replace with precise words

Political advertisements influence the voting population.

Political advertisements increase name recall among the voters.

Revision activity: 5 minutes

1. Take 5 minutes to reread a section of your paper.

• affect / X has an effect• influence / X has an influence• X has consequences• X will have an outcome

2. Look for these vague/general words and fix these: qualify, explain or exemplify, or replace with precise expressions.