tools for a healthy summer july/august 2017 the family … · 2017-06-21 · day and your shirt is...
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You Can’t Do It All: How to Be Kind to Yourself
By Cassandra Van Dyck
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in”
- Leonard Cohen
When you become a caregiver, you may find that some
of the things in your life that used to come easily may
now be harder. You might have less time to cook the
kind of meals you want to eat or to get to exercise clas-
ses as often as you used to. There’s a good chance that
you will struggle to make it to as many social events or
spend as much time on your hobbies. You could be for-
getful and miss an appointment or not notice when
something is amiss with your care partner. It can be
tempting to be hard on yourself for the way your life-
style is changing or mistakes that you might make. You
might feel that even though you now have the responsi-
bility of caring for a loved one, you should also be able
to do everything you used to do just as well as before.
Taking pride and care in the way you spend your time is
a positive thing! It shows that you value yourself and
that you care about other people enough to make an
effort. The trouble occurs when you feel pressure to be
at the top of your game all the time. Perfection simply
does not exist, and striving for it can cause an inordinate
amount of stress.
Consider this your invitation to take a load off.
Take a deep breath, shake out your hands, relax in to
your seat. Try to let go of the pressure to do things to
the best of your abilities all the time for just a minute,
and consider this: a caregiving journey is never an easy
one and it’s impossible to do things perfectly. There will
be days when you feel you ticked all the boxes on your
to-do list and there will be days when you wonder why
you even try to write one. There will be conversations
where you feel you said exactly what you wanted to and
appointments where you wonder if you spoke up when
you should have. You are worried and feel pressured
because you care.
When you feel that you are not living up to the expecta-
tions you have of yourself, it can be hard to know how
to turn off the nagging voice that’s telling you you’re
Tools for a Healthy Summer July/August 2017
A publication by NSCR’s
Caregiver Support Program
renew strength , gain knowledge
The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine
July/August 2017 Page 2
not doing all you could be as well as you want to.
If you’re battling this feeling, consider trying
these visualizations and writing exercises to calm
your mind and give yourself a much needed
break.
Visualization
Settle in to a warm bath, find a quiet, cool spot
under a tree on a summer’s day, or get cozy in
bed. Take a deep breath in and out, and thank
yourself for taking the time to do this exercise.
Picture yourself walking home with from the gro-
cery store while carrying heavy bags. The handles
are pulling at the skin on your fingers and your
shoulders are aching from the weight. It’s a hot
day and your shirt is clinging to your back. Now
stop for a minute and put your bags down. Shake
out your hands, air out your shirt and take a long
sip of water from the bottle you are carrying.
How do you feel? Chances are, you feel ener-
gized and ready to tackle the final stretch home.
Maybe you’re realizing that it would be better to
call a friend for a ride or wait at a bus stop.
Parallel this visualization to your caregiving jour-
ney and ask yourself: what do I need most right
now? A break, someone to talk to, or a helping
hand? Doing a mental inventory of where you’re
at can help relieve pressure and take action.
Writing Exercise
Set aside half an hour and find an inspiring place
in your home, outside in a park, or in your fa-
vourite coffee shop and get out a pen and paper.
Read the instructions, and then set a timer for 10
minutes and write without stopping.
Think of someone you love dearly and picture
them in the same situation you are in. What
would you say to them if they said they were
struggling to do everything as well as they want-
ed to? Would you encourage them to work hard-
er, or would you tell them to be easier on them-
selves and remind them of all the good they’re
doing? Write a letter to a friend who is going
through exactly the same thing you are. What
would you tell them?
How did that feel? Treating ourselves with the
same love and care we’d treat someone else
with is a helpful way to get some perspective.
Our expectations of self are usually far greater
than what we expect from others.
Remember that asking for help when you need it
is a powerful way of taking care of yourself, and
that there are many ways to do so. Asking for
help could look like reaching out to people for
tangible things like assistance with grocery shop-
ping and meal cooking, or helping your loved one
get to their appointments. You might want to
consider looking in to short term respite options
to give yourself a break or allow yourself to get
some other things done. Asking for help might
look like booking a session with a counselor or a
massage therapist, or finally making it to one of
the caregiver network groups you’ve heard so
much about! If you’re unsure of what you need
to ease some of the stress, make sure you reach
out to someone to work through your thoughts
and alleviate the pressure.
The caregiving journey has many twists and
turns, and they won’t all be the right ones. Re-
member to give yourself the same care and un-
derstanding that you give to your loved one, and
to find support when you need it by reaching out
to a close friend, a professional, or a faith-based
organization.
The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 3
July 2017 Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
1
2 3 4 5 6 Network
Group 7-9PM
7 8
9 10 Walk & Talk
1:30PM-
3:00PM
11 12 Network
Group
10:30AM -
12:30PM
13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 Walk & Talk
1:30AM—
3:00PM
25 26 27 28 29
30 31
Network Groups
Thursday, July 6th & August 3rd, 7-9PM
Wednesday, July 12th & August 9th, 10:30AM-
12:30PM
*In July and August, our evening Network Groups will
meet at Heywood Park. Daytime groups will meet in
Room 203 in Capilano Mall.*
Take some time for yourself
Connect with others who understand your experiences
Learn relaxation strategies to use at home
Persian Caregiver Group
No groups in July/August. See you in September!
Walk and Talk
Monday, July 4th & 24th, August 14th & 28th, 1:30PM
-3:00PM
Join us for the company, fresh air, and some gentle
exercise. We walk at a pace that is comfortable for
everyone. We meet in front of the washrooms at John
Lawson Park rain or shine!
“On this so called ride
When things get heavy just put
your bags down
The train is always on time
The trick is to be ready
To put your bags down”
- Adam Cohen
July/August 2017 Page 4
For registration and information on all sessions, contact Karyn by email at
karyn.davies@nscr.bc.ca or by phone at 604-982-3320.
Wellness Corner
Incontinence Care
According to Vancouver Coastal Health, 45% of people suffering from incontinence never mention it to
their doctor. Studies show that incontinence is one of the leading factors in a senior’s move from home to
a care facility. Incontinence can be physically and psychologically challenging, for the person suffering and
for their caregiver. It often goes unmentioned at doctor’s appointments due to embarrassment and
shame. There is hope—incontinence can often be cured or managed. If your loved one is struggling with
bowel or urinary incontinence, the following tips may help you on your caregiving journey.
Look at Diet and Lifestyle
Diet and Lifestyle can have big impacts on your loved one’s ability to control urination and bowel move-
ments. Investigating the various factors and making changes where needed may help your situation.
Ensure your loved one is drinking plenty of water.
Encourage your loved one to avoid caffeine, alcohol and artificial sweeteners.
Include fiber and fluid to keep bowel movements regular.
Look at environmental factors: Can your loved one make it to the bathroom quickly and safely?
Learn About and Use Incontinence Products
These days there are many incontinence products on the market that are not as burdensome as you might
think! Talk to your doctor or a pharmacist for more information.
Choose products according to physical functionality and incontinence severity.
Learn about the different products for men and women. They can include: protection such as
shields and liners for chairs and beds, and personal wear, such adult briefs, undergarments, protec-
tive underwear, pads and catheters.
Look for products with re-sealable fasteners.
Quality over quantity. More money up front will mean less down the road, especially if a superior
product means your loved one is more comfortable.
If your loved one is struggling with incontinence, talk to your family doctor and look in to VCH’s Conti-
nence Promotion and Management Program. For more information, call 604-267-2697.
Sources: Vancouver Coastal Health, National Association for Continence
The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 5
Difficult Conversations: When it’s Time to Ask
for Help
By Cassandra Van Dyck
It goes without saying that although you may be able
to meet many of your care partner’s needs, you cannot
(nor should you be able to) meet all of them. No one
person can provide all the emotional and physical sup-
port that someone needs, especially if they’re strug-
gling with an illness or disability. Despite knowing this,
your loved one may depend on you for more than you
can give. You may have settled into a good routine with
your care partner and their health care team and then
encounter a new challenge that you are not capable of
handling. At some point in your caregiving journey, you
will find that you cannot provide the type of care that
your loved one needs. This will be the time that you
will need to talk to your care partner about connecting
with another professional, and it may be a difficult con-
versation. Although you might need support and help
to care for your loved one, your care partner might be
resistant. They know and trust you and maybe some
other doctors or health care professionals, but they
don’t know the new people that are being recom-
mended and might not want to meet them. Being
cared for requires a level of vulnerability that can be
harder for some more than others, for various reasons.
If you’ve tried to talk to your loved one about getting
extra help and they’ve resisted, or you know that you
need to speak with them soon and you’re concerned
with how they’re going to react, the following tips
might help you to navigate a tricky topic.
Introduce the topic mindfully.
When you’re nervous about having a difficult conversa-
tion with someone, you might go over the many ways
you think the talk might go before having it. Preparing
for a conversation can help you anticipate questions
and prepare answers, but it can also cause a lot of fear
if you think the person you’re talking to might react
poorly. Try to be open to their reactions to prevent de-
fensiveness. Although you’ll never find a perfect mo-
ment to bring up something that’s hard to talk about,
aim for a good one. You might know that your loved
one is the calmest after eating or shortly after they’ve
woken up. Make sure you leave enough time for a
lengthy conversation and avoid bringing up tough top-
ics if you have to go somewhere else quickly or if
someone else will be visiting.
Be calm and direct.
Though it doesn’t have to be perfect, and there’s a
good chance that it won’t be, try to broach the topic
calmly and directly. One of the most common mistakes
people make when starting a tough conversation is to
avoid the topic. This can be confusing for the other
person and may cause them to be more upset.
“I’ve noticed lately that you are limping when you’re
walking. I’ve done some research and I think a physio-
therapist might be able to help. How would you feel
about seeing one?”
“It seems like you’re having trouble cooking meals. I’ve
looked in to it and found some volunteer services that
can provide meals and help with grocery shopping.
What do you think about that option?”
“The past few weeks your mood has seemed very low.
I know it can be hard to open up to a new person, but
talking to a counsellor might be helpful. I’d be happy to
go with you to meet someone. How do you feel about
it?”
Practice Active Listening.
July/August 2017 Page 6
Now that you’ve started the conversation, you’ll want
to be remain open to your loved one’s reaction. This is
probably the part of the conversation that you’ve
been dreading, since you might think they’ll react neg-
atively. Although this is the scary part, it’s also the
time when you have the most control over how the
rest of the discussion will go. If your loved one says
“no” to your suggestion or acts hurt or offended that
you’d suggest bringing another professional in to their
circle of care, your instinct might be to react strongly.
You might be worried that their refusal to accept as-
sistance will increase the pressure on you or make
their situation worse. This might make you angry or
want to shut down, but those reactions will not help.
Practicing active listening increases mutual under-
standing. You can practice active listening by using
open body language, giving your loved one the time to
fully express themselves, and by using empathy to re-
flect their feelings back to them. This will help you to
understand where they’re coming from and alleviate
some of their fears, and it will help your loved one
know that you care about how they feel.
Here’s an example:
Sadaf has told her mother that she’s noticed her mood
has been low lately and has suggested talking to their
family doctor about connecting her with a counsellor
for some extra support. She has asked how her moth-
er would feel about it.
Sadaf’s mother responds, “I’m fine and I don’t need to
talk to anyone. I won’t bother you with my problems
anymore.”
Sadaf feels frustrated by this response and wants to
walk away, but remembers to use active listening.
“It sounds like you’re really hesitant about talking to
someone else about how you’ve been feeling. I know
you’re not fine because of what you’ve been telling
me. What about talking to someone else worries
you?”
This question and reflection opens up the conversa-
tion for Sadaf’s mother to talk about her concerns and
for Sadaf to respond with empathy and answer any
questions she might have.
Do Your Research.
If you spend time researching options for your loved
one before talking to them, you will have more
knowledge to answer their questions which may help
them adjust to the idea of talking to someone new. Do
remember that you don’t have to have all the an-
swers! If your loved one asks a question you don’t
have the answer to, offer to look in to it with them.
You can say, “I don’t have the answers yet, but I’d love
to sit down with you and explore the options togeth-
er.”
Let them know they’re not alone.
Sometimes one of the scariest things about accepting
help is the possibility that existing supports will disap-
pear. You can help to ease your care partner’s fears by
reassuring them that you are not going anywhere. You
could try saying, “It can be scary to accept help from
new people. Please know that I care about you and
want to be able to help you in the best way I can. I
think involving this person could help me to be the
best support person possible.”
Go with them to meet the new care provider. Debrief
afterwards.
Having you with them when they meet their new care
provider might help ease some of the stress of involv-
ing a new person in their care. You might be able to
support your care partner by asking questions and re-
flecting back what you’re hearing from the care pro-
vider in a way that your loved one will understand.
After the appointment, check in with your loved one
to see how they’re feeling. “How was that for you?
What did you think?” Practice active listening to ex-
plore where they’re at.
3 Tips for Caregivers:
Debrief with a trusted friend or therapist.
Look at what support you need.
Appreciate your best efforts.
The Family Caregivers’ Grapevine Page 7
Gratitude Corner
The Gratitude List
Handwriting a list of the things we are grateful for can alter our
moods and outlook on life in a profound way. Take some time
to find what works for you. Some keep a growing list in the
notes on their phone, others keep a handwritten notebook.
Allowing yourself to write as many things that you’re grateful
for as possible when you’re in the throes of stress can shake
you out of a bad mood, and taking the time every day to build
your list can help to reprogram your brain to focus on the posi-
tive instead of the difficult stuff. You might find that creating a
ritual around writing your gratitude list is helpful! Make a cup
of tea, open a beautiful journal and start scribbling before you
leave your house in the morning or make it the last thing you
do before you close your eyes at night.
August 2017 Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
1 2 3 Network
Group 7-9PM
4 5
6 7 8 9 Network
Group
10:30AM-
12:30PM
10 11 12
13 14 Walk & Talk
1:30PM—
3:00PM
15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 Walk & Talk
1:30PM—
3:00PM
29 30 31
July/August 2017 Page 8
NSCR
Caregiver Support Program
201-935 Marine Drive North Vancouver, BC
V7P 1S3
We publish this bi-monthly
newsletter on topics related to
self-care and the caregiving role.
You can support the work we do by
joining NSCR’s
Caring Community,
our donor program.
Thank you to everyone who has made a donation.
Contact Nancy Hollstedt to make a
charitable donation:
Telephone: 604.982.3311
Email: nancy.hollstedt@nscr.bc.ca
CRA#11906 1273 RR0001
Caregiver Poem
i hide
by Mary Jane Nordgren, via Today’s Caregiver Magazine
hide
at first in guilt
taking something for myself
when his needs were
so much greater
i tremble
watching him stumble
seeing his frustration
hearing his fear
at each new loss of self
i ache
wanting to help
wanting to be more
for him
for me
i pray
for him to accept
the humiliation
the dying of each part
of himself
i weep
guilty of frustration
of lashing out, drained
unable to heal him
or me
i hide
to sleep through the night
to peer at the ocean
to listen to the wind’s song
to re-know joy
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