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BOOK OF ehquette


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Brown Bros.ON HER WEDDIING DAYThe greatest charm of the bride's costume lies in its simplicity


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mBOOR OFmETIQUETTEBY^1 LILLIAN EICHLER j^^VOLUME I

ILLUSTRATED

NELSON DOUBLEDAY, Inc.OYSTER BAY, N. Y.1922


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COPYRIGHT, 1921, BYNELSON DOUBLEDAT, INC.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATIONINTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLXTSINQ THE SCANDINAVIAN

FBHTTED IK THE tTNITED STATESAT

THE COUNTBY LffB PRESS,' GABDEN CITT, W. T.


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PREFACESuccess without culture is like old-fashioned straw-

berry short cake without the whipped cream. It has noflavor.

There are certain little courteous observances, certainsocial fonnalities that bespeak the true lady, the truegentleman. Some of us call it good form. Some of uscall it culture. Some of us call it etiquette. But weall admit that it makes the world a better place tolive in.

In Italy, young men and women are considered beneducate, not when they can read and write, but when theyknow the established forms of convention^when they canshow by a correct dignity and ease of manner that theyare perfect in their knowledge of the rules of goodsociety. And, after all, don't you yourself judge peopleby what they do, and say, and wear? Don't you readin, their manner and appearance tho secret of theirinner worth? Isn't character and disposition revealed inthe outer personality?

Perhaps you have heard the story of the **gentleman"who prided himself on being perfect in the art of etiquette.On one occasion, he passed a lake and heard a drowningman call for help. Quickly he threw off his coat andwas about to plunge into the water, when he suddenly re-


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Ti PREFACEmembered that he had never been introduced to thestruggling victim. Putting on liis coat again, he pro-ceeded on his way quite self-satisfied.

This is an instance where common-sense would havebeen the better part of etiquette. Too rigid an observanceof the laws of good society makes them nothing short ofan absurdity. The purpose of correct manners is notto enable us to strut about in society and command theadmiring glances of the people around usas the pea-cock, in its vanity, parades before onlookers in a prouddignity that is quite obviously assumed. The true serviceof etiquette is so to strengthen and simplify the social lifethat we are able to do what is absolutely correct andright without even stopping to tliink about it.

That, then, is the purpose of THE BOOK OF ETI-QUETTEto give to the reader so clear and definite anunderstanding of the social life that he will be able tohave at all times, under all conditions, that unaffectedgrace and charm of manner that the French like to callsavoir faire. It has been written, not for the exceedinglyill-bred or for the highly polished, but for those who find acertain sense of satisfaction in doing what is correctsincere men and women who, in the performance of theirbusiness and social duties, find that there is a constantneed for cordial and gracious relationship with thosearound them.

If the following chapters awaken in the reader thedesire for closer companionship with the vast world ofhuman nature, of wliich we are all a part ; if it takes fromhis nature all that is coarse, awkward and unrefined, sub-stituting instead of gallantry of spirit and a gentleness


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PREFACE viiof breeding; if it makes him a more loving and a morelovable personthen THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTEwill have served its purpose.

Incidentally, the author is indebted to Mr. L. E. Smith,without whose cooperation this book would never havebeen written.

Lillian Eichler^


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CONTEXTSPART I

CHAPTEB rAOSI. Introduction to Etiquette 1What is Etiquette?Laws of SocietyCon-

trol of the ImpulsesRegard for the Rightsof OthersThe Danger of Intolerance"Why it Pays to Be AgreeableThe Simplest iCulture.

II. Etiquette's Reward 11The Origin of MannersThe Manners ofTo-day Good Society in America TheTrue Lady and GentlemanThe Secret ofSocial Success^What Manners Will Do forYouEtiquette's Reward.

III. Engagements 20Of Special Importance The ProposalThe Engagement RingÂnnouncing the En-gagementThe Most Usual MethodÂn-nouncing an Engagement in the Newspapers Engagement Gifts Bridal ShowersLength of the Engagement Responsibilityfor the WeddingFamilies and Friends.

IV. Wedding Invitations and Announcements . 31The Wedding InvitationSize and MaterialKinds of EnvelopesÂddressing the En-velopesInvitations to Church WeddingInvitation to Home Wedding^Wedding in a


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CONTENTSFriend's PlomeWhen Cards are EnclosedInvitations to Second MarriagesInvita-tion to Wedding Anniversary InformalWedding Invitation Acknowledging theFormal Wedding InvitationsWhom to In-viteSending the InvitationsRecalling theWedding Invitation Breaking an Engage-mentReturning Gifts^When Death Inter-venes.

V. Weddings . 49The Church Wedding Attendants TheBridesmaids Reiiearsals Regarding theUshersThe Wedding Day^Arriving at theChurch Wedding Music The WeddingProcession The Ceremony Leaving theAltarRice, etc.The Wedding ReceptionThe Wedding BreakfastThe WeddingPresent^Acknowledging Wedding PresentsThe Home WeddingThe Second Wed-dingSome Important ConventionsSeek-ing Advice Wedding Anniversaries TheSilver WeddingThe ReceptionTin andWooden WeddingsThe Golden WeddingThe Golden Wedding a Glorious Achievement.

VI. The Bride's Outfit 73Origin of the TrousseauThe Trousseau ofTo-dayAbout the LinensFor the BrideThe Wedding DressThe Bride's Veil-Wedding FlowersDress of the Maid ofHonorMarrying in Traveling Dress.VII. Funerals 83Funeral CustomsThe Funeral of To-dayV/hen Death Enters the FamilyTakingCharge Announcing the Death Some


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xii CONTENTSCHAPTEa tMSa

tionModel ix;tters of Introduction TheCard of Introduction Business Introduc-tions.

III. Calls and Calling Customs 142The Beginning of Social Calls^When Callsare MadeThe Proper Length of a CallThe Day at HomeDress for CallsPay-ing the First CallCalls of ObligationAbout Returning CallsThe Call of Con-dolenceThe Call of Congratulations andInquiry The Social Calls of Men TheInvalid's CallAsking a New Acquaintanceto CallThe Woman's Business CallRe-ceiving CallsDuties of the HostessRe-ceiving the Chance Caller^When the Host isat HomeTaking Leave of the HostessThe Evening CallWlien Gentlemen ReceiveCallersMaking a Chance CallInformalCaUs.

rV, Visiting Cards^and Others 165Your Card a Representative of YouGen-eral Rules Regarding CardsSize of Cardsfor WomenSize and Material of Cards forMenTitles on Cards for WomenCardsfor WidowsThe Young Lady's CardIndicating the Day at HomeThe MarriedCouple's CardUsing Jr. and Sr.Titles onCards for MenProfessional Cards for MenCards for MourningWhen the WomanGoes a-CallingWhen More than One Cardis LeftSome More Points About Calls andCardsThe Chance Call Simple Card-LeavingShould a Stranger Leave Cards?Cards and Business CallsWhen a ManLeaves CardsThe Man's Chance CallAbout Leaving and Posting CardsLeaving


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xiv CONTENTSCHAPTER PAOm

dolenceÂcknowledging a Letter of Condol-enceEtiquette of the Friendly LetterTheChild's LetterLetters to Persons of Title.

VII. Parents and Children 254The HomeÂppearance of the HouseDressDress for ChildrenChildren andDevelopment Know Your Children !Imitation The Child's Speech At theTable Playmates Children's PartiesPlanning Surprises Receiving the YoungGuests About the Birthday Party Whenthe Young Guests LeaveChildren's Enter-tainments Away from HomeChildren andDancingÂ Word to ParentsAmusementsLet the Child be NaturalThe YoungGirlThe Girl's MannerThe ChaperonThe Young Country MissThe Girl andHer MotherFor the Shy and Self-Con-sciousForget About Yourself^Why theShy are AwkwardSelf-Confidence VersusConceitCountry Hospitality Importanceof SimplicityThe HostessThe GuestFor Country FolksThe Endless Round ofHospitalityWhen to InviteThe Guestsand Their DutiesAddressing Titled People.


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LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONSOn Heb Wedding Day Frontispiece

FACEChurch Decorated for a Formal Weddino ... 62An Altar for a Home Wedding , 14jjDecorations for a Wedding in a Small Church 1^


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PART I"The power of manners is incessantan element as

unconcealable as fire. The nobility cannot in any coun-try be disguised, and no more in a republic or a democracythan in a kingdom. There are certain manners tihichare learned in good society, of that force that, if a personhave them, he or she must be considered, and is every-where welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, orgenius." -From Emerson's Essays,


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W BOOK OF IffPETIQUETTE^CHAPTER I

INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTEWHAT IS ETIQUETTE?

At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War,one of them began to relate a questionable story, remark-ing, as if to excuse his lack of good taste, that "therewere no ladies present." General Grant, who was actingas chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there aregentlemen"and he refused to allow the officer to con-tinue the story.What is a gentleman? The question is an old one. Itcannot be ancestry, for often the son of most noble andhonored parentage is merely a coarse compound of clayand money, offered to society as a gentleman. It cannotbe dressfor surely Beau Brummell was not what theworld loves to call a gentleman, despite his stiffly starchedcravats and brightly polished boots. It cannot be money,for then many a common thief, made wealthy by his ill-gotten gains, would be entitled to the name of gentleman.

No, it is something that goes deeper than ancestry ordress or wealthsomething that is nobler and finer thanany, or all, of these. Perhaps it can be best expressedby this beautiful example of what true etiquette canmean:Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to

1


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INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE 3in the ball-room, at the theaterevery day people arereading the story of our characters and ideals.

Society has its own definite code of manners that mustbe observed before one can enter its portals. There arecertain rules that must be followed before one can enterits envied circle. There are conventionalities that must beobser^'ed in requesting a lady to dance, in acknowledgingan introduction, in using the knife and fork at the dinnertable. There are certain prevailing modes in dressing forthe theater and reception. To know and adhere to theselaws is to be admitted to the highest society and enj oy thecompany of the most brilliant minds.

Etiquette is an artthe art of doing and saying thecorrect tiling at the correct timethe art of being ableto hold oneself always in hand, no matter how exactingthe circumstance. And like music or painting or writing,the more you study it, the more you apply yourself to itsprinciples, the more perfectly your own character ismolded.

CONTEOIi OF THE IMPULSESThe cultured man is never angry, never Impatient, never

demonstrative. His actions and speech are tempered witha dispassionate calmness and tranquillity that the Frenchadmiringly call sang froid. He knows how to control hisemotions so effectively that no one can read, in his self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, dis-couraged or eager.Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about aman of breeding is his carefully discipUned impulses. Hemay at times lose control of himself, but he is never petu-lant, never incoherent. He may be greatly enthusiastic


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4 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEabout some unexpected happening, but he never becomesexcited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. Henever gives the appearance of being in a hurry, no matterhow swift his actions may bethere is always about himthe suggestion of leisure and poise.

Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, thefamous essayist and philosopher, who said in one of hisdelightful talks, *'The superior man is gentle. It is onlythe man with a defective vocabulary that swears. AUnoise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the whirl-wind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most strikingcharacteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, theirpoise. They have about them a sense of the stars."Strong feeling, anger, have no place in the social life.We are all uneasy at times. We all have our em-barrassing moments. But the well-bred person knowshow to conceal his emotions, and impulses, so well that noone but he himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed.It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also verypoor form to show by our gestures and frowns and speechthat we are annoyed by some circumstance that is entirelybeyond our control.

Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches ofetiquette^breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruinof many a rising young man, of many an otherwise charm-ing young woman. The gentleman never shows by hastyword or angry glance that he is displeased with someser\'ice. The lady never shows, either in her speech ormanner, that she is excited with some unexpected hap-pening, or disappointed because something did not happenthe way she planned it. It is only by studying the rulesof etiquette and knowing absolutely what is right to do


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INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE aand say under all conditions that one acquires this splendidgelf-possession and composure of manner.

BEGASD FOB THE BIGHTS OF OTHEESWilliam De Witt Hyde, in his book, "Practical Ethics,"

pays, "Politeness is proper respect for human personality.Rudeness results from thinking exclusively about ourselvesand caring nothing for the feelings of anybody else. Thesincere desire to bring the greatest pleasure and least painto everyone we meet will go a long way towards makingour manners more polite and courteous."The man or woman who is truly cultured, truly well'

bred, tries to make everyone happy and at ease. It is onlythe exceedingly vulgar person who finds pleasure in hurt-ing the feelings of the people with whom he comes intocontact. It makes no difference how wealthy or how poora person is, how ignorant or educated he happens to beas a fellow-being he is entitled to a hearty sympathy andrespect. Both servility and arrogance are ungentlemanly.Gentleness, simplicity and a sincere regard for the rightsof one's companions are the distinguishing marks of afine character.

THE DANGEE OF INTOLEEANCBThere is no room for intolerance in the social world.To be honored, respected, one must have a certain friend-

liness of spirit. The gentleman, the lady treats everyone,from the lowliest beggar to the most distinguished per-sonage with consideration. It is only the man who isunpretentious, who is always eager to please, who is ascourteous and considerate in manner to his inferiors as


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6 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEto his equals, that fully deserves the name of gentleman.The author recently chanced to witness an amusing inci-

dent which might be of value to repeat here. It showsforcibly how important the little things are, and how theyreveal to the gaze of the world the true story of ouractual worth:An elderly man, who showed quite obviously by hislordly and self-satisfied manner that he was accustomedto travel about in his own car, was on one occasion forcedto ride home in the subway. It was rush hour, andthousands of tired men and women were in a hurry to gethome. The man impatiently waited his turn on a long linrat the ticket office, constantly grumbling and making itdisagreeable for those about him. When he finally didreach the window, he offered a ten dollar bill in paymentfor one five-cent ticket and deliberately remained at thewindow counting and recounting his change while thepeople behind him anxiously awaited their turn. Whenat last he did move away, he had a half smile, half frownof smug and malicious satisfaction on his face which,interpreted to the people he had kept waiting, said thathe now felt repaid for having had to travel in the sasnetrain with them.

This man, in spite of his self-satisfied manner and well-tailored suit, was very far from being a gentleman. Theshabby young man behind him, who also offered a bill inpayment for his ticket, but stepped quickly to one sideto count his change, and smiled cheerfully at the man be-hind him, was infinitely more of a gentleman than the onewho maliciously, and with evident keen enjoyment, keptthe long line waiting.The true worth of a gentleman is revealed, not in his

fashionable clothes or haughty demeanor, but in his re-


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INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE 7gard for the rights of ethers. It is the little kindnessesthat countand the instinctive recognition of the rightsof others. As England's inimitable J. M. Barrie has soaptly remarked, "Those who bring sunshine to the livesof others cannot keep it from themselves."

WHY IT PAYS TO BE AGREEABLEWhy should we know the laws of etiquette? Why

should we know the way to do and say things? Whyshould we be agreeable? These are questions that willundoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or womanwho is eager to cultivate and refine his or her mannerand speech.The answer is: to make one's own life happierto

bring into it a new sunshine, a new joy of living thatwas not even dreamed of when the mind and spirit wereshrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness andvulgarity.For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy

face, sour disposition, complaining habits and inherentlack of good taste and culture, he sees only the shadowsof life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted.Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste,will have nothing to do with him. He lives his own lifehis ill-bred, complaining, gloomy, companionless lifean outcast from that better society of which we all longto be a part.

Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured manor woman is always cheerful, always finding somethinggood and beautiful in all mankind and nature. Cheer-fulness itself means poisea wholesome, happy, undauntedpoise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living.


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8 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEThe person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom

contented, seldom happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugli-ness, selfishness, and a tendency for the world generally todegrade itself to the lower levels of coarseness. He findsit because he looks for it. And he looks for it becauseit already exists in his mind.And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized

power in the financial world ; he may even possess enviabletalents. But if he lacks that glorious open-hearted gen-erosity, that sincere sympathy and simple understandingwith all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiringagreeableness of mind and spiritthe world will have noneof him.The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at

some injustice, real or imaginary, is sacrificing some ofthe best things life has to oifer. He does not know whatit means to be greeted with a smile of pleasure and a warmhandclasp. He does not know what it means to be takenwhole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon,to be appealed to. He does not know what it means, inhis hours of darkest adversity, to receive the genuine 53^11-pathy and encouragement of a friend.But with culture, with development of mind and spirit,with the desire to adhere truly to society's laws and re-gard as inviolable the rights of others, there comes anew understanding of human relationship. Where onceeverything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees loveand beauty and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words andunkind glances, there are words of cheer and encourage-ment, smiles of friendliness and understanding. The worldthat once seemed coarse, shallow and unpolished, seemsnow strangely cordial and polite.


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INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE 9THE SIMPLEST CULTUEE

Yes, it pays to be agreeable. We are all like hugemagnets, and we tend to attract those things which weourselves send out. If we are coarse and unrefined, weattract to our company those people who are also coarseand unrefined. If we are disagreeable and unmindful ofthe rights of others, they in turn will be disagreeable tous, and unmindful of our rights. And similarly, if we arekind and agreeable, we are bound to meet and attractpeople of the same kind.

There is a pretty little story of a woman and a child,in which the simple friendliness of a little girl openedthe door for a woman whose life had been embittered bymuch hardship and disappointment. She was strollingone day through a moimtain farm-house. She did notknow where she was going, and she did not care. She justwanted to forget, forget.

She stopped near a well and gazed angrily about her,wondering how there could be so much peace and quiet in aworld that held nothing but turmoil and heartache for her.She was an attractive woman, and her smart clothes andhaughty bearing were a disappointing contrast to herscowling face and angry eyes.

Suddenly she glanced down. A tiny girl was watchingher intentlya little girl who had lived all her seven shortyears in the untutored expanse of the mountains. Thewoman was annoyed, and she did not hesitate to show it."What are you looking at; what do you want.''" shedemanded irritably.

Instead of returning the frown, the child smiled andstepped a little closer. **I was just thinking how prettv


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10 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEyour face would be if it smiled instead of frowned," sheanswered.The woman's face relaxed. The bitter look in the eyesvanished and was replaced by a bright new light. The

scowl became a grateful smile, and with an impulsivesob of pure joy, she knelt down and hugged the littlegirl who had been the first in a long time to speak gentlyto her, the first in a long time to return her frowns withsincere smiles of friendliness. And when she finally leftthe little child, and returned to the exacting conventionali-ties of the town, she was a nobler, better and finer woman.The simple heart of a child who knew no other creed

or law than the sincere love of all mankind triumphedover the bitterness of a woman who had known years ofeducation and worldliness.

Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of theoutward appearance. But it is by what we do and saythat we prove that it truly exists within us.


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CHAPTER IIETIQUETTE'S REWARD

THE ORIGIN OF MANNERSWhy do we observe certain set rules of con^^ention?Why do we greet people in a certain ordained wayby

nodding or by lifting the hat? Why do we make intro-ductions and send invitations and cultivate our mannersand speech? To find the answer we must trace civiliza-tion back to its very source.One of the first necessities of the savage was to devisesome means of showing savages of other tribes that hedid not mean to fightthat he wanted to live with thempeaceably. At first it was difficult to do this ; primevalman was always suspicious, always watchful. He hadto be, for his life depended upon it. But slowly certainpeaceful observances and signs were established, and thesavages began to understand them as greetings of peaceand good-will. The salutation and greeting of to-day is adirect result of this early necessity.

This peace-greeting, as we shall call it, was the firstsemblance of order, the first token of good fellowship thatappeared out of the primeval chaos of warfare and de-struction. A certain greeting, and things were on a peace-ful basis. But let that greeting be forgotten, and thesavage's life was the forfeit.Man developed, and with him developed civilization.

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12 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEFrom that first **peace greeting" there came certain setsalutations, certain forms of homage that bound men to-gether in mutual protection and friendliness. Thenslowly, out of this first beam of manners, this first bit ofrestraint from the savagery of primeval man, there werecreated certain ceremonies. Some were weird dances tothe spirit of the Sun ; others were animal or human sacri-cies to some God of Fear; still others were strange cere-monies for the departed spirit of the dead. But they wereceremoniesand as such they presaged the ceremoniesupon which all etiquette, all good manners, are basedto-day.We find that the history of manners keeps pace withthe history and evolution of man. And we find that man-ners, or ceremonies, or respect for fellowmenor what-ever you want to call it^was the first tie that bound mentogether. It is the foundation upon which aU civilizationis built.

THE MANNERS OP TO-DAT

Certain sensible rules of etiquette have come down tous from one generation to another. To-day only thosethat have stood the test of time are respected and ob-served. They have been silently adopted by the com-mon consent of the best circles in America and Europe;and only those who follow them faithfully can hope tobe successful in business and in social life.

There are some people who say that etiquette, that man-ners, are petty shams that polish the surface with thegilt edge of hypocrisy. We all know that a few peoplebelieve this. Who of us has not heard the uncultured boorboast that he is not restricted by any "sissy manners".'*


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ETIQUETTE'S REWARD 18Who of us has not heard the successful business man de-cline an invitation to a reception because he "had no timefor such nonsense"? To a great many people mannersmean nothing but nonsense ; but you will find that they arealmost invariably people who never win social or businessdistinction.The rules of etiquette as we observe them nowadays are

not, as some people suppose, the dictates of fasliions.They are certain forms of address, certain conduct ofspeech and manner, that have been brought down to usthrough centuries of developing culture. And we observethem to-day because they make contact in social life easierand more agreeable; they make life more beautiful andimpressive.You do not have to observe the laws of good conduct

if you do not wish to. Certainly not. You may do justas you please, say just what you please, and wear justwhat you please. But of course you must not complainwhen you find the doors of good society closed againstyou, when you find that people of good manners andcorrect social conduct avoid you and bar you from theiractivities. Good manners is the only key that will openthe door to social successand men and women often findthat it fits the door to business success as well,

GOOD SOCIETT IN AMERICAEveryone loves to mingle with cultured, well-bred

people ; with brilliant and celebrated individuals. Every-one loves to attend elaborate social functions where thegay gowns of beautiful women are only less charming andimpressive than their faultless manners. But it is not


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14 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEeveryone who can be admitted to these inner portals ofgood society.

It is a well-known truth that manners rather thanwealth decide social rank. A man may be fabulouslywealthy, but if he does not know how to act, how to dressand speak, he will not be respected. American societyhas rules of its own, and those who are not willing tolearn these laws are shunned, banished. Etiquette is thewall which divides the cultured from the uncultured,which keeps the ill-bred out of the circles where theywould be awkward and uncomfortable, and where theywould undoubtedly cause mortification to others.On the other hand, to know these rules of good conduct

is to be admitted to the highest circles of society. Toknow that one is correct banishes at once all uncertainty,all embarrassment. And one mingles with perfectly-man-nered people, calm in the assurance that one knows justwhat is correct, and that no matter what happens onecan do or say nothing to reflect on one's breeding.

THE TEUE LADY AND GENTIiEMANIt is not enough to be wealthy. It is not enough to be

widely famed. But if one is well-mannered, if one knowshow to conduct oneself with poise, grace and self-con-fidence, one will win respect and honor no matter whereone chances to be.

There are very few men indeed who do not value goodmanners. They may ridicule them, they may despisethembut deep down in their hearts they know that goodmanners have a certain charm, a certain power, thatwealth and fame together do not possess. They knowthat right in their own business spheres there are men


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ETIQUETTE'S REWARD 15who owe their success and position to the appearance thatthey make, to the manner in which they conduct them-selves. And they know that there are beautiful womenwho are coldly repellent ; while some plain women win thehearts of everyone with whom they come in contact, merelyby the charm of their manners.The perfect gentleman is not the dude, the overdressed

"dandy" who disdains the workingman in his patchedclothes and who sniffs contemptuously at the word "work."The true gentleman is kindly, courageous, civil. He iskind to everyoneto the tottering old man he helps acrossthe street, and to the mischievous young rascal who throwsa ball through his window. He does not know what it isto become angry, to lose control of his temper, to speakdiscourteously. He never shows that he is embarrassed orill at ease. He is as calm and unconcerned in the presenceof a world-wide celebrity as he is when he is with his mostintimate friend. Nor is he ever bitter, haughty or arro-gant. And he is as far from being effeminate as he is frombeing coarse and brutal. In short, he knows the mannersof good society and he does not hesitate to use them.The perfect lady is not the ornamental butterfly of

society, as so many would have us believe. She is gentle,and well-dressed and gracefulnot merely ornamental.She does some useful work, no matter what it is. She ispatient always, and generous. She never speaks harshlyto tradespeople or to servants ; gentleness and reserve arethe very keynotes of her manner. She is rever haughty,never superior. She is kind and courteous to everyone,and she conducts herself with the calm, unassuming gracethat instinctively wins a responsive respect. In her man-ner towards men she is reserved, modest. But she is self-reliant and not afraid to assert herself. Her speech and


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16 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEmanner are characterized always by dignity, repose andself-confidence.

It is only by knowing the laws of good conduct, and byfollowing them faithfully, that one can hope ever tobecome a true gentleman or a true lady.

THE SECRET OF SOCIAIi SUCCESSEvery man who so wishes may become a gentleman, andevery woman may become a lady in every sense of the

word. It requires only the cultivation of those qualitiesoutlined above. And it is here that the use of etiquettelies, that the importance of good manners is most strik-ingly portrayed.

Etiquette teaches you how to be gentle, calm, patient.It tells you how to be at ease among strangers. It tellsyou how to cultivate grace, poise, self-confidence. Notonly does it tell you how, but it gives you poise and self-confidence. By teaching you the right thing to do atthe right time, it eliminates all possibility of mistakesand hence all embarrassment and awkwardness vanish.The existence of these fixed social laws, these little rulesof etiquette, makes it easy for the man and woman who

have not been bred in the best society, to master theknowledge which will enable them to enter that societyand mingle with the most highly cultivated people with-out feehng embarrassed or uncomfortable. It tears downthe barriers between the wealthy and the poor, betweenthe educated and the ignorant. By knowing what to doand say and write and wear on all occasions, under allconditions, any man or woman can enter any society andmingle with any people. The old proverb might well bechanged to read, "Culture makes the whole world kin !"


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CHAPTER IIIENGAGEMENTS

OP SPECIAI. IMPORTANCEThere is perhaps no time when the rules of etiquette

need to be so strictly observed as during the period ofcourtship. All the world loves a lover^but this does notkeep the world from watching closely and criticizing se-verely any breach of good manners, especially on thepart of the young lady.Any public display of affection anywhere at any timeis grossly unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should notbe thrown open to the rude comments of strangers. Theyoung couple should conduct themselves with quiet dig-nity and reserve, neither indulging in terms of endear-ment or caresses, nor purposely ignoring each other so asto create the impression that they are not, after all, sovery much in love. There is no reason why their conductin public after they are engaged should be any moredemonstrative than it was before.At parties, dinners, and other entertainments it Is

their privilege to be with each other more than they arewith anyone else, but this does not mean that they shouldneglect the other guests. If the occasion has been plannedespecially for them they are in part responsible for eachone present finding it an enjoyable one. And each oneshould be very cordial to the friends of the other.

20


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ENGAGEMENTS 21Many an engagnent that held promise of golden hap-

piness to come was abruptly broken because one or theother was not sufficiently circumspect in conduct. Ayoung lady must remember that while she is not exactlyexpected to give up indiscriminately all her friends of theopposite sex, she must not receive them as guests, or go tothe theater or ball with them, without the knowledge andconsent of her fiance. He is, of course, expected to beequally considerate of her with regard to his own relationswith other women.The engaged couple of to-day enjoys much greater free-dom than the engaged couple of our grandmothers' time.The chaperon has been almost entirely dispensed with,except in a few individual cases. Although it is stillconsidered rather poor form to attend the theater oropera together, without other friends in the party, it isoften done without any very serious consequence to theyoung people. Perhaps it is because the young men andwomen of this country have that instinctive grace anddignity of manner that the severe laws of conduct prac-ticed abroad have been deemed unnecessary.

THE PEOPOSAIiAt one time, not so very long ago, it was considered

an irrevocable law of etiquette that a young man obtainthe formal consent of a young lady's parents beforeasking her hand in marriage. Prevalent customs havealmost eliminated this formality, and modem mothers andfathers, by the welcome which they accord him in theirhome, show a young man whether or not they think himeligible for their daughter's hand. And it is really amuch wiser plan to object to a friendship when it first


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22 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEbegins instead of waiting until it has developed into some-thing more serious. If the young man wishes to proceedupon the old-fashioned formula he may do so, first assur-ing himself insofar as he is able that his attentions arewelcome to the young lady.The time for the proposal depends upon attending cir-

cumstances. Someone has said that there would be fewerdivorces if more proposals were made in the middle of theday under ordinary conditions, but the timid or romanticyouth usually prefers the witchery of moonlight and themagic of solitude. The proposal itself should be sincereand earnest. Glowing terms and impassioned emotion are,indeed, very bad taste; and often the more simple a pro-posal is the more forcibly it expresses the suitor's ardor

If he is accepted the well-bred young man will immedi-ately seek the young lady's parents and impart the happynews to them. At this point, if it has not already beendisclosed it is customary for him to reveal his true status,financially and socially, and answer politely any questionsthat her parents may ask him. If there are dissensions hemust explain calmly and carefully, making sure all thetime to keep complete control of his feelings and not toallow himself to become either angry or impatient.

THE ENGAGEMENT BINGIt is the custom to seal the engagement pact with a

ring. As soon as the prospective bridegroom has wonthe consent of the young lady whom he wishes to be hiswife, he places the engagement ring on the third fingerof her left hand. The convention is that the ring be adiamond solitaire set in gold or platinum, or, if it ispreferred, a diamond set with other stones. It is always


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ENGAGEMENTS Swise to consult the individual preference of the young ladyin determining the choice of the ring, and it is her privilegeto clioose whatever kind she wants regardless of traditionor convention.

ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENTAfter the proposal has been accepted announcement of

the fact is made, and it is here that the young lady takesthe leading part.

There are several established conventions in announc-ing the engagement. Each one is good form, and thechoice is merely a matter of taste and convenience. Butalways the initiative must come from the family of thefuture bride. The young man must not even announcethe engagement to his best friends until he is quite surethat his fiancee has already made it known to her friends.

It has always been a popular custom in better society togive the announcement of an engagement as nearly an ap-pearance of "leaking out" as possible. Perhaps it isbecause it adds to the interest of the occasion. To ob-tain this effect, a number of intimate friends and relativesare invited to a dinner partyreally the engagementdinnerwhere, in the course of the conversation, the newsof the engagement is casually imparted to the guests forthe first time. It is usually announced by the father ofthe young lady; sometimes by her older brother, and insome cases by her mother.The guests, of course, will offer warm and sincere con-gratulations. The happy couple mingle among theirguests and receive their good wishes with modesty andsmiles of thanks.


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24. BOOK OF ETIQUETTESometimes the young lady gives a luncheon for her

friends, at which the announcement is made. It is alwaysvery pretty to make the announcement in some novel way,and if the hostess does not find her own ingenuity equalto it she will find her stationer her best guide. He hasvarious novelty cards, etc., specially designed for suchoccasions.

Often, instead of formally announcing the engagement,the young lady gives the news to several of her closestfriends, depending on them to spread it among theirfriends and acquaintances. This manner of announce-ment is usually followed with a little informal reception,to which are invited the members of the prospective bride-groom's family and the relatives of both families.

THE MOST USUAL METHOD

Perhaps the best way to announce an engagement isfor the young lady and her mother to send small engravedcards to their circle of friends and relatives, making theannouncement in a simple statement, and mentioning anafternoon when they will be "at home" to visitors. Theyoung man may also send notes or cards to his friends,having first made sure that his fiancee has already an-nounced it to her friends. The "at home'* offers asplendid opportunity for each one to meet the friends ofthe other, and for the families of the two young people tobecome better acquainted. Care must be taken that thereis no constraint, no drifting into "circles." The younglady must welcome her future husband's friends with sin-cere cordiality, and see that they are properly introducedto her own friends. He must mingle with her friends and


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ENGAGEMENTS 25make himself companionable and agreeable. To be con-stantly together, selfishly enjoying each other's companywhile the neglected guests are left to their own devices isa breach of etiquette and must be conscientiously avoidedif the "at home" is to be hailed a success.

If this last method of announcing the engagement isdecided upon, the home should boast no decorations exceptflowers simply arranged. The young lady and her mother,in conservative afternoon frocks, receive together. Theyoung man is usually presented to the guests by hisfuture father-in-law. Entertainment, such as music anddancing, may be provided for the occasion if it is con-venient. Simple refreshments may be serveddaintysandwiches, cakes, tea and sweets are appropriate whenserved in an attractive manner.

It is also customary to place an announcement in thesociety columns of the newspapers simultaneously withthe giving of the dinner party. It should always bewritten by the parents about their daughter, or by theguardian if she has no parentsnever by the engagedgirl herself.

ANNOUNCING AN ENGAGEMENT IN THE NEWSPAPEESThe vogue to-day seems to favor announcing engage-

ments in the newspaper rather than through the issuingof announcement cards. Such items of announcementshould be sent to the society editor of the paper selected,and should be signed with the fuU name and address ofthe sender. Brief items are always better than long ones.

Here are two typical newspaper announcements of re-cent engagements:


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26 BOOK OF ETIQUETTE**Mr and Mrs. Henry M. Bower

announce the engagement of theirdaughter Rose to Mr. WalterBarrie of Boston. The date ofthe wedding will be announced inthis paper later."

"TJie engagement of MissLUlian Hall to Mr. Robert G.Manning is announced by Mr. andMrs. John B. Hall. The weddingis to take place in St. ThomasesChurch on the 15th of Jime"

ENGAGEMENT GIFTS

It is not customary for elaborate engagement gifts tobe presented, even by near relatives. In fact, the mode ofthe engagement gift has been gradually disappearing untilto-day congratulations are considered sufficient. How-ever, the close friends of the young lady may send her,with their congratulations, pleasing bits of chinaware,glassware, and sometimes even silver. Odd pieces of bric-a-brac and quaint, unusual gifts, and antiques are alwaysacceptable. Markings on gifts are usually in the maidenname of the bridebut if any doubt is felt as to whichshe herself would prefer, it is best to ask her.

There is an old tradition regarding the giving of tea-cups as an engagement present. A lover, who was obligedto go away on an extended sea journey, gave to hisbetrothed a delicate china cup, asking her to drink teafrom it every afternoon. He said, "If I am unfaithful,the cup will fill to overbrimming and the tea pouring overthe sides will crack the tliin china. Then you will know


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ENGAGEMENTS 2TI have broken faith." The custom has been broughtdown to us, and now we find that the giving of a tea-cupor a tea-set as an engagement present signifies faithful-nessand it may mean faithfulness to friendship or loveas the case may be. We usually find that a young lady'sspinster friends are partial to the custom; they seemto find particular enjoyment in presenting her with daintytea-cups, either separately or in sets.

Expensive gifts should never be exchanged during anengagement, barring of course the engagement ring. Theyoung man may present his prospective bride with books,flowers or candy, but articles of wearing apparel areconsidered bad taste.To be modest, gracious, dignified during the engage-ment, to continue one's social duties faithfully, neitherneglecting one's friends nor becoming self-consciously en-thusiastic, to be self-possessed and unaffected even whileone is the center of much lively interest and animateddiscussionthis is the end to be desired, and the youngman and woman who have accomplished it are indeedfortunate.

BBIBAI. SHOWERSA good many years ago a friend of a young woman who

was about to be married decided that the only gift shecould afford was too slight an offering to express the loveand good wishes that she felt. Knowing that there wereother friends who felt the same way she called them to-gether and suggested that they present their gifts at thesame time. Then and there the idea of the "shower"was bom.The custom has prevailed and in most instances to-day


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28 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEthe shower has a special purpose, such as the linen showeror the kitchen shower or the book shower. It is a verycharming way of presenting gifts that would seem tootrifling if they were presented alone.

Intimate friends of the bride are the guests at ashower. It is usually a very informal affair and nearlyalways a surprise to the bride. The gifts may be hiddenin a Jack Horner pie, they may be wrapped in all sortsof odd packages, or they may be presented in any of ahundred and one attractive ways. Originality in this, asin all entertainments, is greatly to be desired.The young lady who is honored with a shower thanks

the guests verbally, and afterward she may write each ofthem a little note expressing her gratitude. It is neces-sary to do so if the affair was an elaborate one and thegifts were expensive.

I.ENGTH OF THE ENGAGEMENTThe question of how long an engagement should last is

usually governed by attendant conditions. There is,however, a marked tendency for engagements to be shortin fact, fashion now demands that the wedding-day be atleast tentatively fixed before the engagement is announced.Many times there are excellent reasons why it should beof several years duration. It is best not to announce thefact formally, though it may be understood among one'sfriends. Matters of this kind are to be determined by thetwo people who are most concerned, and if a young manand his fiancee have decided that they would like to havea long engagement the rules of etiquette have nothing tosay against it.


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ENGAGEMENTS 29EESPONSIBILITY FOE THE WEDDING

The father and mother of the young lady who is aboutto be married assume all responsibility for the prepara-tion for and the celebration of the wedding. The groomis not expected to pay for anything except the ring andflowers for the bride and, if he wishes, the flowers for thebridesmaids and trifling gifts for the ushers and otherattendants. The clergyman's fee also devolves upon him,but all other expenses are paid by the bride's parents orguardians. Indeed, it would indicate a great lack oftact or deKcacy on the part of the groom to offer toprovide a part of the trousseau or to pay for any of theother expenses incidental to the occasion.

Announcement cards, invitations, music, flowers andother decorations for the church, the preparations forthe breakfast or reception to follow the ceremonyallof these are paid for by her parents. The wedding shouldnever be more elaborate than the parents of the bridecan afford.

FAMILIES AND FRIENDSIt is always very delightful when the families of an

engaged couple find themselves congenial, and every ^ortshould be made by the young people to bring about, if itdoes not already exist, a harmonious relationship betweentheir immediate families. It is almost equally desirablethat each shall like the friends of the other and heroicefforts must be made to do so. A pleasing way to bringfriends together is by means of an informal reception.The invitations should be cordial notes written by hand.The following indicates the usual form:


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CHAPTER IVWEDDING INVITATIONS ANDANNOUNCEMENTS

THE WEDDING INVITATIONNot later than fifteen days, and not earlier than four

weeks before the date set for the marriage, wedding invi-tations are sent to those friends, relatives and acquaint-ances who are to be present at the ceremony. When thewedding is to be a large church affair, invitations aresent to all those whose names appear on the visiting listsof the two families. They are also issued to relativesand friends of the bride and groom who may be travelingabroad, to the important business associates of the groom,and those of the bride's father. Intimate friends andrelatives in mourning are also invited, whether they areexpected to attend or not.For a home wedding, more discrimination is shown in

the issuing of invitations. Intimate friends and relativesof both families are invited, but no casual acquaintances.In sending out the invitations, the bride-to-be and hermother should take into consideration the number ofpeople who will fit comfortably into the reception ordrawing room.

SIZE AND MATERIALFormal wedding invitations should always be engraved.

They are issued in the name of the bride's parents, or,31


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82 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEif she is an orphan, in the names of a married brother andhis wife, of her guardian or her nearest male relative.Pure white or cream-tinted paper, unglazed but smoothin surface, should be used for wedding invitations. A

conventional size, although each year sees another size inwedding invitations, is seven inches in length by sixinches in width. These dimensions vary, but never morethan an inch or so. They fold once into the envelope.Plain script is favored for the engraving of the weddingcards ; old English script, Roman capitals and block letter-ing are all effective. A good stationer will show you thetypes of lettering most suited to wedding invitations atthe present time. It is his business to be able to advisejou.

If there is a family crest (the bride's family) it may beembossed in white in the center at the top of the engravedsheet, but not on the flap of the envelope. A recentfashion is to have the bride's initials embossed in whitewhere the crest would appear. Both are effective; butsuch decorations as gilt-edges, entwined letters or coats-of-arms in colors are in bad taste.

Very fine paper should be selected for the weddinginvitation. No tint except cream may be used; pure-white is considered the very best form. The paper shouldbe of medium weight, unglazed, and smooth. Light-weightpaper through which lettering can be easily seen shouldnot be used. Nor should the paper be so thick and heavythat it breaks when folded.

KINDS OF ENVELOPESThe wedding invitation demands two envelopes. The

first, matching in texture and quality the paper of th?


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WEDDING INVITATIONS S3invitation, is used as a protection for the card. Itremains unsealed. The second envelope is a trifle larger,though it must also be of a similar texture. Into thisenvelope the card and the inner envelope are slipped formailing.The large envelope is sealed and stamped. It bears

the complete name and address of the person for whomit is intended, while the inner envelope bears only thename. Tlie church cards are enclosed with the weddingreception if there is necessity for them. And if thereis to be a wedding reception to which this particularguest is invited, a special card is also enclosed. The "athome" cards of the bridal couple are sent separately afterthe wedding.

ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPESIThe wedding invitation is addressed to Mr. Mid Mrs.Blank. The expression "and family" following the nameof a husband and wife is not used in polite society. Ifthere are unmarried daughters to be invited, a separateinvitation is addressed to "The Misses Blank." Sonsmay be invited either by sending a separate invitation toeach one, or addressing one invitation to "The Messrs.Blank." All these invitations, in their proper envelopes,addressed appropriately, are placed in the large envelopefor mailing. This single envelope is addressed in fullto the matron of the family, "Mrs. Henry Mason Blank."

INVITATION TO CHUECH WEDDINGThe invitation to a church wedding is worded with a

bit more formality than the invitation to the home cere-mony. It is sent out two or three weeks before the day


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34 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEset for the wedding. The church wedding invitation re*quires no written acknowledgment, except in those rarecases when there is a request for it. Instead of the initials,.R. S. V. P., it is better form to say simply, "Please reply."Invitations for the home wedding, of course, requireprompt acknowledgment.

Following are two forms of church wedding invitationswhich may be used:

Mr, and Mrs. John Grey Taylorrequest the honor ofpresence at the marriage oj their daughter

Helen Mariewith

Mr. Raymond Mitchellon Thursdayf the ninth of May

at four o'clockSt. Thomas's ChurchNew York

Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylorrequest the honor of your presenceat the marriage of their daughter

Helen Marieand

Mr. Raymond Mitchellon Friday, the fourth of June

at six o'clockat the Presbyterian ChurchBoston

In the first invitation, the name of the guest is writtenby hand in the space left for that purpose. The use


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WEDDING INVITATIONS 35of "marriage and'* and "marriage with" is now customaryin preference to "marriage to." All three words are ingood form, however, and any one of them may be used.Below is a model engraved admission card, used whenthe church wedding is to be a large one and tickets ofadmission are necessary. The correct size is denoted:

PLEASE PRESENT THIS CARDat St. MichaeVs Church

on Monday, the fifth of May

INVITATION TO HOME ,WEDDINGFor the home wedding, invitations are engraved as for

the church wedding, but for the phrase "request the honorof your presence" the phrase "request the pleasure ofyour company" is substituted, though *'honor" may beused in place of "pleasure" if one prefers.As in the case of the church wedding, a space may be

left for the name of the guest to be filled in, or the formthat follows may be used;Mr. and Mrs. Robert Guy Brown

request the pleasure of your companyat the marriage of their daughter

Helen RoseandMr. Henry Van Buren

on Tuesday afternoon, June the firstat four o*clock

Twenty-two West End Avenue


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36 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEWhen the wedding takes place in the country, or a

guest at a great distance is invited, a small card likethe one following is generally included:

Train leaves Grand Central Stationfor Glenville at lliJ^'B A.M.

Returning train leaves Glenvillefor New York at 6:10 P.M.

Wealthy people often place a special train at the dis-posal of special city friends whose presence is eagerlydesired at the wedding. A card, like the one following,is enclosed with the invitation, and it serves as a pass,entitling the bearer to a seat in the reserved train. Hereis the form most generally used:

The special train leavesGrand Central Station for Glenville

atll:^2A.M.Leaves Glenville for Grand Central Station

at 6:10 P.M.Please present this card at station door

WEDDING IN A FKIENd's HOME

Sometimes, either because of convenience or personalpreference, arrangements are made to have a weddingtake place at the home of a friend or relative. The fol-lowing wording is suggested as the correct form for theinvitaticn ?


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WEDDING INVITATIONS 57The pleasure of your company is requested

at the marriage ofMiss Marian Benson Joyce

toMr, John H. Brown

on Monday, the -fifth of Juneat twelve o^clockat the residence of

Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Smith HoplcinsEighteen Johns Street

WHEN CARDS AEE ENCLOSEDWhen a church wedding is followed by a reception or

breakfast, special engraved cards are enclosed with theinvitations to those guests whose presence is desired.It may be a very small card, inscribed merely with thesewords

Receptionfrom four o'clocJe

Forty-six Lafayette Street

For the wedding breakfast a card of this kind is usuallyenclosed

Mr. and Mrs. John Hayrequest the pleasure ofcompany, at breakfast

on Thursday, the fifth of Mayat twelve o'clock


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88 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEINVITATIONS TO SECOND MARRIAGES

The second wedding invitation of a widow should beissued in the name of her parents or nearest living rela-tives. She uses her own first name with the surname ofthe deceased husband. Here is the correct form

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Manningrequest the honor of your presenceat the marriage of their daughterMrs. May Ellis Bruce

toMr. Stanley Kenworth

on Mondayf September the fifthat six 6'cloclc

St. Paul ChapelIt may be that the woman who is to be married for

the second time has no near relatives to serve as hostsfor her. Her invitations may be like this

The honor / your presence is requestedat the marriage of

Mrs. Helen Roy Chadwichand

Mr. Bruce Ken/nethon Wednesday, August the tenth

at four o'clockChurch of the Redeemer

Announcement cards are sent after a wedding if therewere no invitations issued. They are often sent insteadof invitations to friends who live at too great a distanceto be present at the ceremony. They require no ac-


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WEDDING INVITATIONS 39knowledgment though it is customary to send either a noteexpressing good wishes or a gift of some kind. If onelives in the same community one should call on the bride'smother, and if the bride's card is inclosed, on the brideherself shortly after she returns from the honeymoon.This is the usual form for the announcement card:

Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smithannounce the marriage of their daughter

Rose Madelineto

Mr. Frank Breckenridgeon Thursday, April the first

one thousand nineteen humdred and twenty-one

In case of a second marriage of the bride, the announce-ment card reads in this manner:

Mr. Robert G. Gainsworthand

Mrs. Herbert Gaylord Smithannounce their marriage

on Tuesday, Atugv^t tJie Eleventhone thousand nineteen hundred and twenty-one

The bride uses the announcement above only when sheis a widow. A divorcee uses her own first and secondnames, with the surname of the divorced husband.The announcement card is engraved on sheets of white

paper similar in size and texture to those used for theinvitation. It is posted on the day of the wedding. The


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40 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEforms given above may be modified by adding the nameof the church in which the ceremony was held, or the homeaddress of the bride if it was a home wedding.With the wedding invitation or the announcement card

the *'at home" card of the bride may be included, givingthe date of her return from the honeymoon and herfuture address. Thus:

Mr. and Mrs. K. N. LittletonAt Home in Forest HillsAfter the eighteenth of August

rNVITATION TO WEDDING ANNTVEESABTUnlike the wedding invitation, that of the anniversary

may display some delicate, unostentatious design signifi-cant of the occasion. It is engraved on sheets or cardswhich may display the entwined initials of husband andwife, and the year of the marriage and wedding anniver-sary. For a silver wedding, the engraving may be donein silver, and gold lettering is permissible for the fifty-year anniversary. The two most approved forms foranniversary invitations are given below: '

1875 1900Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy AscherAt Home^ednsday evening. May third

after eight o'clockThirty-two Pine Street


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WEDDING INVITATIONS 411863 1913Mr. arid Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher

request the pleasure of your companyon tJie Fiftieth Anniversary

I of their marriageon Thursday, Jwne tlie thirdat eight o'clock

Thirty-two Pine Street

INFOBMAIi WEDDING INVITATION

When a recent death in the family, or when personalpreference results in a so-called "quiet" wedding, whenonly the immediate family and very close friends are in-vited, a short note written either by the bride-to-be orher mother, is the only invitation. Following is a noteof this kind from the bride-elect to her friendand imme-diately below it the correct form of acknowledgment:

Dear Janet:Two weglcs from Monday, on the ninth of

September, Mr. Brill and I are to he married.We are asking only a few of our most intimatefriends to be present, and would be very gladto have you among them^ The ceremony willtake place at four o'clock.

With kindest regards, I amSincerely yours^

Harriet B. Howe.


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42 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEDear Harriet

I shall be delighted to attend your weddingon September ninth, at four o^clock.

With cordial good wishes to you and Mr,BrtU, I am

Sincerely yours,Janet B. Robbms.

ACKNOWXEDGING THE FOEMAL WEDDING INVITATIONWhen a breakfast or reception card is included, a

response must be made promptly. The form of the invita-tion should be followed as nearly as possible. It is writtenon the first page of a sheet of social note paper, andaddressed to the parents or guardians of the bride. Hereis the form used for acceptance:

Mr, and Mrs. John Mortimeraccept with pleasure

Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Fletcher'skind invitation to be present at the

marriage of their daughterHelen Marie

toMr, Thomas Wolcott

on Tuesday, the seventh of Mayat twelve o^clock

and afterward at the wedding breakfastRegrets are usually worded in this manner, following

closely the invitation. The reason for non-attendancemay or may not be given:


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WEDDING INVITATIONS 4SMr, a/nd Mrs. John Mortimerexceedingly regret that tliey

are unable to acceptMr. and Mrs. Fletcher^s

kind invitation to be present at themarriage of their daughter

Helen Marieto

Mr. Thomas Wolcottorb Tuesday, the seventh of May

at twelve o'clockand afterward at the wedding breakfast

In the fourth line of the first acknowledgment abovethe two last words *'at the" may be prefixed to the fifthline; the same holds true of the fifth line of the secondacknowledgment. A good stationer will be able to giveyou the exact prevalent vogue in this matter.

WHOM TO INVITEIt is necessary for the young man and woman who are

about to be married to make out their list of those towhom invitations are to be sent together. If the weddingis to be a large affair, not only their friends but thefriends of their parents as well, and business acquaint-ances of both families should be invited. Relatives andfriends in mourning should be invited but no resentmentshould be felt if they do not attend. If the wedding is asmall one great care should be taken lest the guests areso numerous as to overcrowd the church or home. Es-pecially is this true of the home where the space is usuallymore circumscribed.


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44 BOOK OF ETIQUETTESENDING THE INVITATIONS

All invitations should come from the home of the bride,even those that are for the personal friends of her husbandeven if they are unknown to the bride. They should bemailed from one month to two weeks or ten days beforethe day set for the wedding. If the bride is an orphanthey are sent in the name of her nearest relative. If thereis an older brother they may be issued in his name, butnever in the name of a sister rniless she is a great dealolder than the bride or is herself a married woman. Ifthe bride has lost one parent and the other has remarriedshe may use her own judgment as to whether to send theinvitation in the name of her parent or in the names ofthem both. The latter is usually preferred, as a mattei*of consideration toward the step-parent.

KECAIiLING THE WEDDING INVITATIONA sudden death in the family, illness, accident, or other

serious happening, warrants the recall of wedding invita-tions. The parents of the bride should immediately notifyguests of the postponement of the wedding, by issuingprinted cards. A good size for these cards is three and aquarter inches in length by one and one-quarter inches inwidth. The text is usually -vorded in this manner:

Owing to the sudden death of Mr. HenryRobert's father, Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis arecompelled to recall the invitations for theirdaughter's wedding on Thursday, February thefourth.

or


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WEDDING INVITATIONS 45Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis beg to recaU the

invitations issued for the marriage of theirdaughter, Grace Helen, and Mr. Henry Roberts,on Thursday, February the fourth.

BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENTA broken engagement is always embarrassing for both

the young man and the young lady. Friends, if they aretruly well-bred, will not ask questions, and relatives willnot demand explanations. The obligations which such asituation entails are unpleasant, but it is infinitely betterto go through the ordeal than to face a marriage whichis certain to end in disaster.At such a time it is important for the young lady to

have the utmost dignity and self-possession. She is notexpected to make any announcement or offer any explana-tions. If a reception has been scheduled, her mother sendsbrief notes or engraved cards to those who have beeninvited, informing them that the engagement has beenbroken. The young lady, if she wishes, may confide inher intimate friends; but to be bitter, to condemn herformer suitor in any may, to suggest that perhaps he wasnot all that she thought he was at first, not only reflectson her own good judgment, but is very poor form andshows lack of delicacy.

If the announcement of the engagement has been madein the papers such a notice as this might be inserted inthe name of the person or persons who first made theannouncement

Mr. and Mrs. C. D. Simmons announce thatby mutual consent the engagement between theirdaughter Agnes and George Francis Richardsis at an end.


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46 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEIf invitations have been sent out a similar announcement

may be dispatched to each intended guest. These shouldbe engraved on white cards of the size recommended bythe stationer.

If the engagement was announced only to intimatefriends the bride should send each of them a note statingthat the engagement is at an end. It is much better neverto give an explanation. Such occasions as this must havegiven rise to the proverb, "Least said, soonest mended.'*Even to the bride's dearest friend the following note issufficient

Bellevue, June 1, 19Dear Ruth:

Since I wrote you last week something hashappened which has made George and me recon-sider our engagement. You will therefore pleasedisregard the invitation for Thursday after-noon.

Ever sincerely yours,Margaret FrankUn.

EETUENING GIFTSWhen an engagement; is broken off the young people

return all expensive gifts and all letters that have passedbetween them. The young lady always, of course, returnsthe engagement ring.If wedding presents have been received from friendsthese also must be returned with a brief note explainingthat the wedding is not to take place. It is necessary tothank the donor as warmly as if nothing had happened.


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VVEDDING INVITATIONS 47It takes a great deal of courage to face the situation

bravely and to go through it without a sacrifice of dig-nity. One thing must be remembered: Don't he afraidof what people will say. It is not their happiness whichis at stake.

WHEN DEATH INTERVENESOften a death in the family occurs when preparations

are under way for a wedding. If the death is that of aparent or very dear relative the wedding should be post-poned, if circumstances permit, as a mark of respect andsincere sorrow for the deceased. But if the wedding musttake place as scheduled, or even two or three months afterthe death, good taste and delicacy demand that it shallbe quiet and simple, with only a few near relatives andfriends present.

If the ceremony is performed in church there shouldbe no garlands of gay flowers to strike a festive note.A bit of fern or other green foliage here and there issufficient decoration. The bride may have one bridesmaidand a maid of honorbut an elaborate bridal train isconsidered poor taste within six months of a dearly be-loved one's death. The ceremony itself is dispatched withexpedience and rapidity, yet without any semblance what-ever of haste.Whether it is held in church or at home, the wedding

during the period of mourning is characterized by asolemn simplicity that has none of the triumphant joyous-ness of the elaborate wedding. And still the occasion sac-rifices none of its happiness, for sorrow brings to hunaaanature the same mellow sweetness that the flight of tiaaebrings to untasted wine.


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48 BOOK OF ETIQUETTETo pay fitting reverence to the dead, weddings and re-

ceptions of all kinds should be postponed. But if circum-stanoes decree that they shall take place, then the occa-sion may be marked by so quiet and unpretentious a cere-mony that the respect due the deceased is in no wayviolated.


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CHAPTER VWEDDINGS

THE CHUECH WEDDINGThe bride and groom decide between them the church

where they wish the wedding to take place and the ciergy-man whom they^ wish to officiate. When there is no re-ligious diiference between the couple the matter is a verysimple one and the church which the bride's family reg-ularly attends is the one chosen, but when he is of onefaith and she of another it may assume serious propor-tions. If neither is inclined to yield gracefully the laws ofetiquette decree that the groom should give in, not onlybecause chivalry demands it but also because the weddingday by right and tradition belongs primarily to thebride.The church should be decorated for the occasion but

not with great elaboration. Palms, ferns, and smilax,roses, lilies and other flowers are appropriate. Ribbonalso may be used effectively. White streamers are some-times used to mark off the seats which are to be occupiedby the relatives and intimate friends of the brikJe andgroom, but there are many people who do not Bke to indi-cate so definitely the lines of demarcation among theirguests.

Extravagance in any of the appointments of the wed-ding are in extremely bad taste. It is sometimes well to


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60 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEremember the delightful logic of the old lady who saidthat she did not dress better than she could afford to athome because everybody knew her and there was no usetrying to impress them ; and she did not dress better thanshe could afford when she went to the city because nobodyknew her and it did not make any difference whether sheimpressed them or not. No set form of decoration canbe given, but magnificent ornamentation is out of placein a simple chapel or church, and in every place profusionbeyond one's means is not only ill-bred but foolish.

ATTENDANTSAmong the Anglo-Saxons the custom of an impressive

escort for the bride had its origin. To-day it is a matterof choice, and the bride may have as many or as few asshe pleases. Her maid of honor is usually her sister orher best friend and her bridesmaids are chosen from amongthose who are dearest to her. The groom chooses thebest man and the bride and groom together select theushers.

THE BEIDESMAIDSAlthough the number of bridesmaids is entirely a mat-

ter of choice, it is the fashion at an elaborate churchwedding to have not less than five nor more than ten. Amaid or matron of honor, two little pages or flower girls,and, if it is desired, a third child to bear the cushion tothe altar, completes the bridal train.The bevy of bridesmaids consists of the bride's dearest

friends. If she has sisters, one of them, as well as oneof the bridegroom's sisters, must be included in her escort.


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< WEDDINGS 61For maid or matron of honor, the bride selects a sisteror intimate friend.

It is sometimes customary for the bride to provide thedresses of her bridesmaids. This, however, is dependentupon circumstances and conditions, and is not really es-sential. It is important, though, that the bride visit eaclibridesmaid personally and request her services at thewedding, unless she lives at some distance.The bride, if the wedding is to be an elaborate one, may

suggest to the bridesmaids the kind of gowns she wouldlike them to wear. The young ladies may be trusted tofollow her wishes implicitly. No one would willingly mar afriend's wedding by appearing in a gown that does notagree with the general plan. The gowns need not beidentical; but the colors must be the same, or at leastharmonize. Light shades are always the fashion forbridesmaids. White, of course, for the bride.The bridesmaids should be invited many weeks beforethe wedding so tliat they will have ample time for prepara-tion. Nearly always the dress has to be made, and thistakes time.

It is customary for the bridesmaids to be dressed alikeor very nearly alike. The custom had its origin in primi-tive times when evil spirits were supposed to attend wed-ding ceremonies and the bride and groom were surroundedby friends of their own age and sex dressed similarly sothat the spirits could not single out the happy couple fortheir evil designs. It is a far cry from that time to this,and the only reason why the bridesmaids are dressed sim-ilarly now is because the effect is so much prettier thancould be attained by a miscellaneous array of gowns, how-ever beautiful each one in itself might be.They carry flowers, either cut flowers or bouquets, but


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62 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEtheir bouquets are never so elaborate as that carried bythe bri(te. Usually they wear a bit of jewelry which waspresented by the groom. This, too, is a curious survivalof primitive marriage customs when the groom had tocapture the bride, and because she was fleet-footed andwild (or perhaps because he was lazy), bribed her friendsto lure her to the place where he was waiting.

BKHEASSAI^SElaborate weddings should always be rehearsed at least

once beforehand. In arranging these rehearsals the bridemust have i mind the convenience of her attendants, andby consulting them, should settle upon a time that willbe agreeable for the majority. The requests for one'spresence at a rehearsal may be made verbally or by notes.Refreshments are usually served afterward at the homeof the bride.

She must arrange for the opening of the church, andshe should proride a way for the young ladies who areat some distance to get there. The details of the cere-mony should be practiced until the whole thing can beaccomplished with ease and grace. Every possible effortmust be made to eliminate a stilted and wooden effect onthe actual day of the wedding.

KEGASDING THE USHEESAt the rehearsal they should receive careful instructions

(usually from the clergyman), as a large part of thesmoothness and charm of the wedding ceremony dependsupon their knowledge of the right thing to do at theright time.


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WEDDINGS 6SOn tlie day of the wedding, they must be at the church

at least an liour before the scheduled time for the cere-mony. It is part of their duty to welcome the guests andescort them to their seats. An old custom was for theusher to offer his right arm to a lady, and although itstill prevails, a more accepted form is for him to welcomeeach guest with a smile, precede her down the aisle, andwith a graceful indication, direct her to her place.

Front seats should always be reserved for the relativesand most intimate friends of both families. At mostfashionable weddings, the names of the people to receivethese front seats are tabulated on cards and given to theushers. Another custom that is permissible is to mark offthe number of seats in front that are to be reserved with awhite ribbon, extending from aisle to aisle and terminatingat the end seats with pretty bows or festoons. This man-ner of reserving seats for the "guests of honor^ is notonly effective, but is also decorative.

THE WEDDING DAYJune and October, because the weather is usually beau-

tiful and flowers are more abundant than at other times,are the favorite months for brides, though there is not asingle month out of the twelve that does not see its fullquota of elaborate weddings. During Lent there arefewer than at any other time.

There is an old superstition which says that Fridayis an unlucky day for a wedding, but the prejudice thatrose from it has so largely been done away with that theonly choice among the days of the week is that whioh risesfrom the bride's personal convenience and desire.A wedding may take place at any hour of the day.


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54 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEMorning weddings are usually very simple. Elaborateceremonies are usually performed at high noon or in theevening wliile the wedding that is neither very simple norvery elaborate (and this means most weddings) takes placein the afternoon. In a great many instances the hour hasto be arranged with reference to the time the train onwhich the bride and groom expect to leave departs.

AKEIVING AT THE CHURCHTlie wedding party should arrive promptly at the

church a few minutes before the time mentioned for theceremoay. Few moments are more tensely anxious thanthose in which a belated member of the wedding party isawaited by the others. For this reason, it is always betterto assemble at the home of the bride rather than in thevestibule of the church or elsewhere. Except the groomand best man, who await the others in the vestry and theushers who have gone on ahead an hour or so earlier.The bride's mother, the maid of honor and guests leave

the home of the bride first. They are followed by thebridesmaids. The last to leave are the bride and herfather.The bride's mother is escorted to her place (the aisleseat of the front pew on the left side) by the head usher.Those of her cliildren who have no part in the processionaccompany her. The family of the bridegroom are simi-larly conducted to their reserved place, the front pewon the right side. As soon as the bridesmaids and thebridal party arrive at the door of the church, the bride-groom is informed, and the entire cortege assembles inthe vestibule. The organist has previously been informedas to what musical selections are to be played, an'i as


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WEDDINGS 65soon as he gets his cue, he strikes a chordand while themellow notes of the organ peal forth (usually the beautifultones of the wedding-march from "Lohengrin") the doorsat the foot of the aisle slowly swing open.

WEDDIXG MUSICThe bride usually enters on Lohengrin and goes out on

Mendelssohn. Throughout the ceremony, except whenpra^^ers are being said, there should be soft music andthe organ should continue to play until all the guestshave left the church, unless chimes are rung. In theevent that there are chimes they should begin to ring assoon as the bridal party has left the church. The musicfor a church service may be very stately and impressive.Besides the organ stringed instruments may be employedand soloists or a choir may be asked to sing. Music isespecially pleasing during the time when the guests arewaiting for the wedding party to assemble.The musical program in the home is not very different.A piano and one or two stringed instrimients furnish the

instrumental music while friends of the bride and groommay be requested to sing. These should be rewarded by agift from the groom. There is a wider choice in the kindof music which may be used at the home wedding, forthe beautiful secular love songs which are out of place atthe church are most appropriate here.

THE wt:dding processionThe order of the wedding procession depends largely

upon the number of attendants. The following arrange-ment is frequently observed : The ushers enter first, walk-


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56 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEing slowly down the aisle two by two. The bridesmaidsfollow in the same manner, the maid of honor, who isunattended, comes next, followed by the bride, who leanson the arm of her father. Flower girls may precede theprocession or they may walk just in front of the bride anda page or pages may be added to the group to bear thetrain of the bride's gown. The bride is always the lastto enter and she comes alone or with whoever is to giveher away at the altar.As they reach the altar the ushers separate, one half

moving to the right, the other to the left. The brides-maids do likewise, and the maid of honor steps to theleft of the bride while she and her father advr.nce towardthe space left at the foot of the altar for them. At thispoint the groom nd best man come forward and thebride slips her hand from her father's arm and places itin the hand of the groom, who leads her to the clergyman.Her father stands at her right.

THE CEREMONY

The ceremony is performed in accordance with the ritesprescribed by the religious belief of the young peoplewho are about to be married. The clergyman is theperson to consult about any embarrassing situations thatmight arise.As the wedding ring is worn on the same finger that

has previously worn the engagement ring the bride usuallyremoves the latter and places it on the correspondingfinger of the right hand. She may allow it to remainthere after the ceremony or she may place it on the samefinger with the wedding ring. It is allowable to leave the


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WEDDINGS 67engagement ring in place and slip the wedding ring onover it.A word about the ring itself. Like many another ofour practices to-day its use is a survival from primitivetimes when women were chattels and a man's wife was hisproperty, liis slave to do with as he pleased, and the ringwas of heavy iron, a sign of bondage. Not more than adecade back the ring was too heavy to be comfortable onthe finger, but now it is a slender band of gold "^r platinimiwith or without scroll-work or other ornamentation, asthe wearer may desire. Its symbolism is very beautiful.The precious metal is an emblem of the purity of the lovebetween a man and his wife and the circle itself is asymbol of eternity.

Before entering the church the bride removes the glovefrom her left hand and she may give it with her bouquetto the maid of honor to hold during the ceremony. Thepractice of ripping one finger of the glove so as to leaveit bare for the ring is a very foolish one and has neverfound favor among people of good breeding.

It is the part of the best man to look after the groom.His services may be required in connection with many ofthe preliminary details of the wedding even in the pro-curing of the license. At the wedding itself he takescharge of the ring and the clergyman's fee, giving theformer to the groom just before the ceremony requires himto place it on the bride's finger.The bride's father remains directly behind her until the

clergyman asks, "Who giveth this woman to this man?"when he comes forward, takes his daughter's hand, lays itin that of the groom and says, "I do." He then turnsaway and retires to the pew where his wife is sitting.


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58 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEXEAVING THE ALTAB

When the final blessing has been pronounced the bridalgroup may stand at the altar for a while receiving theirfriends and then break up informally, or the processionmay leave the church in reverse order from that in whichthey entered, the bride and groom walking first together,followed by the best man and the maid of honor and thebridesmaids and the ushers walking in pairs. The auto-mobile of the bride and groom should be waiting at thedoor to whisk them away to the home of the bride, wherepreparations are made for the wedding journey.

THROWING THE BOUQUETIt is a pretty custom for the bride to throw her bouquet

among the bridesmaids (especially lovely when the weddingtakes place at home and the bride turns to throw theflowers as she mounts the stairs). It is a happy omen forthe yoimg lady who catches the bouquet. She may divideit among the others or she may keep it for herself. It isnot compulsory for the bride to part with the bouquet ifshe prefers to keep it herself. She may press the flowersor she may have rose beads made from the petals or shemay dispose of it in any way she desires.A well-known young society woman who was marriedrecently in one of New York's most exclusive churches,ordered all the flowers used in decorations to be sent to acertain hospital to gladden the slowly dragging hours ofthe sufferers. She has created a precedent that everybride should be proud and happy to follow.

After all, the greatest happiness is in making others^*PPy* The joy of the wedding day will gain a new


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60 BOOK OF ETIQUETTEreception, it is nothing short of ridiculous to spoil it allby boisterously overdoing an old tradition. The culturedperson is always well-poised, always calmwhether it beduring the tense moments of the wedding-vow utterances,or the half-glad, half-sad moments of seeing the happypair off.

THE WEDDING B.ECEPTIONFashionable weddings, if not celebrated with a wedding

breakfast, are followed by a reception either in the after-noon or evening. All the bridal attendants are present,and those relatives and friends who have previously re-ceived invitations.The reception takes place in the drawing room of the

bride's home. The room is decorated with flowers, andin the hall is a refreshment table on which is punch, cakesand boxes containing favors for each of the guests.The bride and groom stand together under a floral bell

and accept the congratulations and good wishes of theguests. The bride's mother and father are at the doorof the drawing room to welcome them, and the parentsof the groom are also ready

book of etiquette

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