December 2004 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 1

FREE INSIDE!Pi and UCL News

Pi and UCL News

Pi and UCL News

Pi and UCL News

Pi and UCL News- The Executive

- The Executive

- The Executive

- The Executive

- The ExecutiveSummarSummarSummarSummarSummaryyyyy

Just as crap as the real

Just as crap as the real

Just as crap as the real

Just as crap as the real

Just as crap as the real

thing, but they only take 5

thing, but they only take 5

thing, but they only take 5

thing, but they only take 5

thing, but they only take 5

minutes minutes minutes minutes minutes to read -

to read - to read - to read - to read - pp. 4-5

pp. 4-5pp. 4-5pp. 4-5pp. 4-5

No. 3December 2004

Merry ChristmasMerry ChristmasMerry ChristmasMerry ChristmasMerry Christmas

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Follow - ups of last issue— p.2Attack of the Never-Ending Musical — p.3Hail to the Chief — p.3UCLH beds cock-up —p.3Executive Summaries —pp.4-5Christmas Guide — pp.6-7Griff Rhys Jones to buyLFH? — p.8

Follow-Ups of Last IssueThe inevitable fallout from October...

UCL NewsOCTOBER’S The Cheese Grat-

er carried an article attacking UCLNews for not reporting student issuesand generally being a waste.

Well, the man in charge of UCLNews, head of communications Ni-cholas Tyndale, recently defended hispublication’s record, albeit with qual-ifications. Asked if he thought if UCL’stwo miserable periodicals (comparedto Imperial’s four newspapers) weredoing a satisfactory job, he said theywere doing a good job for the budgetprovided. Come on Malcolm, handover some cash to stop your college’sattempts at media being so pathetic.

The CoverWE ARE RELIABLY informed

that London Student editor Alexi Dug-gins read the last issue. Or at least helooked at the front cover, and couldn’ttell the difference between the carica-tures of himself and Dex Torricke-Bar-ton. Okay Alexi, here’s some help.

You have spiky hair. Sometimes.Dex doesn’t. Dex has glasses. Youdon’t. You wear a stripy jersey on oc-casions. Dex, to our knowledge,doesn’t.

So the non-glasses wearing,spiky-haired, stripy-jersey wearing...

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The Great London StudentDebâcle

SOME PEOPLE, even on TheCheese Grater’s floor of Canary Wharf,thought that the London Student/Fin-gleton/’fuck’ story in the last issue wasa little out of date and irrelevant. Not,it seems, to everyone.

Among the guests at November’sNUS/Daily Mirror Student MediaAwards were Lila Allen, last year’s LSeditor, and David Dunne, the thenKCLSU president who banned the pa-per (vide The Cheese Grater ad nause-am.) If we can believe Pi fashion edi-tor Tolu Doherty, writing in same,there was “a showdown of epic pro-portions” between the two at a paneldebate. Presumably they are still mop-ping up the blood in the Docklands.

The Honderich AffairKEEN-EYED READERS of

November 22nd’s London Student mayhave noticed a ‘right to reply’ letteraccompanying a spoof Santa Claus fea-ture, purporting to be from the beard-ed one’s lawyers.

The letter’s wording bears a cu-rious resemblance to a letter from oneFarrer & Co., Ted Honderich’s law-yers, sent to Alexi Duggins (see lastissue p.2). But surely he wouldn’t dareparody such a grave legal missive?

Scary Boots<scaryboots@tiscali.co.uk>

CorrectionIn our last issue (No. 2, Octo-

ber), we referred in the article ‘Jour-nalistic Harm-ony’ to ‘one of the voxpops in the London Student article’.This referred to a prepared interviewwith Danny Stone, campaigns organ-iser for the Union of Jewish Students,for London Student, and not a ‘voxpop’ in the accepted sense of inter-viewing a passer-by. In fact, I insertedthe word there myself, and apologisefor any misunderstanding - Ed.

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December 2004 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 3

UCLH bed cock-up -fit for 21st century?

THE NEW UNIVERSITY COL-lege Hospital building looks set toopen on schedule in April 2005, andall the services currently offered by theMiddlesex Hospital will move there -presumably with its medics.

The UCLH NHS Trust websiteis predictably gushing about the new

building, proffering statistics galore:97 metres high, 100 kilometres ofductwork, 2400 PCs, 3000 ‘visionpanels’...but one figure is left out. Thewidth between beds is just 2.7 metres,according to Private Eye on Novem-ber 26 — less than the minimum de-manded by new rules to combat theMRSA bug.

Why build a new hospitalanyway?According to the website, “Wedo a large amount of this work in con-

ditions at The Middlesex and Univer-sity College Hospitals, which are rap-idly becoming unsuitable for 21st cen-tury healthcare”. Presumably expos-ing patients — and UCL medical stu-dents — to an illegally high risk ofinfection is suitable, then.

Medical students and sites’ of-ficer Vishali Thakrar was unavailablefor comment at the time of going topress. RL

Hail tothe Chief

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HISTORY WAS MADE at theGarage Theatre on 28th Novemberwhen the booked entertainment ex-tended beyond the script’s end by thelongest ever recorded curtain call (inGordon Street, anyway). Pagoda Street,a musical written and directed by De-clan Ee, provided an evening packedfull of love, deceit, sin and redemp-tion mixed in with some powerfullyintoxicating humour. The wit andschmaltz reached a sentimental cre-scendo at a beautifully acted marriageproposal scene, and the complemen-tary CD of the music will remain aprized possession by many. The greatambition of this production was clear,and its success even more so.

Yet this was not the end! Indeedit was barely even the beginning of theend! No, a curtain call and encorecontinued the story for another threeacts. First the actors were all present-ed with roses, then the numerous crewwere brought out to take their ap-plause. Act two saw Declan himselfmake an illustrious appearance. He

made a series of monologues about thecast, the crew, the play, the audience,the night, his friends, his parents andhis cat. He then entered into a medi-tative speech, complete with a coastalwave soundtrack, which implored theactors to allow this moment on stageto stretch on forever. At the same time,no doubt, a few of the audience mem-bers began to wish their bladders couldstretch on forever.

Act three picked up the pace alittle with a few more delightful songsfrom the cast, sending up elements ofthe performance. This clever extramaterial would have been most wel-come had it not combined with theprevious act to ensure that this alco-holic hack missed his crucial post-the-atre drink. The Cheese Grater congrat-ulates all involved on a magnificentperformance but implores the Musi-cal Society to take action, and demanda thirty second time limit on all direc-torial/authorial speeches (Some hope— Ed.).

Attack of the Never-Ending MusicalUCL’s Garage Theatre was witness to afeature-length curtain call recently...

Nikolai Morofski

MATT COOKE, newish presi-dent of the University of London Un-ion, got a sardonic reception when hewent to the LSE recently to talk aboutTransformation, the proposed recast-ing of ULU’s services and building.

The students of Aldwych Poly arenotoriously ungracious to students’ un-ion leaders — perhaps because they’renot set on careers in banking — andthis was to be no exception. One au-dience member asked Cooke whichcollege of the University he hailedfrom. The Royal Academy of Music,he replied. “Sing us a song!” someonepiped up.

4 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater December 2004

UCLNEWSIssue 03 Volume 02 6 December 2004

Pro-Provost’s wife appears on ‘Richard and Judy’ 2 UCL voted ‘University ofthe Year’ by the ‘Daily Mail Good Citizens’ Guide’ 2 PhD students sell selves toWellcome Trust in return for a sandwich 3 Third Rawnsley Symposium fails tostart 4 Survey announces dog 4 Rape 5 Sanitary towels 6 Hello is anyonereading this bit 7 God raped with mango chutney 8 Obviously not 642

Provost’s new moustacheunveiledNew hair appendage to ‘maximise global benefitsto staff and students’

Bentham receiveseven morerecognitionUnsatisfied with an effigy, a cocktail,a common room, a pub, andnumerous references in anyliterature relating to UCL, the guywho just won’t die has got a plaquetoo.

UCL In The NewsUCL requests £300million from itsalumni

UCL asks its more famous alumnito ask the public for money

UCL asks Americans to come andhelp them make money

UCL professors advise that tomaintain buildings will require moremoney

And in a striking break fromtradition, the Petrie Museumreceives some money, althoughonly a puny £13.5 million.

Private ViewWhat is it?A small plastic cup, significantlybattered.How old is it?Experts reckon, using a new datingsystem, the cup could have beenabandoned as long ago as lastTuesday.Where is it?UCL, one would hope.How did it get there?Mystery surrounds this issue, andtheories abound: while somemaintain it is clear evidence forquantum tunnelling in macroscopicobjects, others insist it wasdropped by a bloke.What makes it special?Again, there is some debate onthis point – some claim to haveseen an image of Jesus in the cup,whereas others say it morestrongly resembles Elvis. It hasalso been hypothesised that thecomplex arrangement of creaseson the side encodes a chemicalformula which could halt, or atleast slow, the ageing process. Onthe other hand it could containnothing but coffee dregs.What else is in the collections?The ‘Stuff Wot I found in theCloisters’ collection contains manystunning examples of rococcopackaging and contemporarypersuasive art; also several rareflyers and the centrepiece of thecollection, an old bus ticket.Who uses the collections?‘Uses’?How can I view it?Cast your eyes to the pictureabove, dear reader.

On December 1st, in a lavishceremony in UCL’s Old Refectory, thelate Princess Margaret unveiled thenew moustache of UCL Provost andPresident, Professor Malcolm Grant.

The moustache is just the lat-est in a series of innovative amen-

ties that will enhance UCL’s statusas a world leader. “It’s over 40% big-ger than my last moustache,” en-thused Grant, “and only costs asmuch as a racehorse to maintain.”

Professor Grant enjoyshaving ‘Happy Birthday’sung to him recently. Oneperson sang ‘dearMalcolm’ instead of ‘dearProvost’, but was dealtwth swiftly.

December 2004 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 5

A NEW STUDY by Leeeds Universityhas proved conclusively and for thethe first time ever that Leeds studentsdon’t really use pencils any more.

The research, conducted by theuniversity’s centre for cultural studies,has finally shattered the long-standingpopular myth of the ‘pencil-usingLeeds student. According to thesurvey, conducted over the past 20years, less than 0.2% of the studentbody at Leeds admit to owning apencil, let alone using one.

“The importance of this researchsimply cannot be underestimated,” aspokesman for the university said onthe Guardian website. “There’s clearlybeen a watershed in student behaviourover the past two decades”.

The National Union of Students (NUS)

p i magaz ineThe Student Magazine of University College London Union

december 04 · issue 648

Leeds students‘anti-pencil’by SALLY HUMPHREYS

Coldplay “fucking tired” of beingmentioned in Piby DIRK PLODDER

COLDPLAY, the band who formed atUCL and made it a hip andfashionable haven for all self-respecting students whose parentsare investment bankers, announcedyesterday after reading the Freshers’Issue of Pi that they are fed up ofbeing mentioned in the magazine,and never want to feature in it again.

Jonny Buckland, guitarist andformer resident of Ramsay Hall, saidon the Guardian website: “We’ve hadenough. We’re just fucking tired ofbeing the only thing that can widen

UCL’s appeal beyond people too stupidfor Oxbridge who can afford Londonbar prices. Especially when thatobviously hasn’t worked.”Fortunately, UCL’s media promotersneed not worry. Pi, which used to be

edited by Jonathan Dimbleby by theway, can exclusively reveal that UCLalumnus Ricky Gervais, who since thesuccess of of ‘The Office’ spends hisdays doing circuits of Russell Squaretrying to get noticed,is still happy tobe featured in Pi.

Meanwhile, we will try and whipup the media profile of Digby Jones(Laws 1977), the chief executive of theConfederation of British Industry, intothat of a rock band. Failing that, Isuppose we could try with that womanfrom Elastica.

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was quick to play up the negative sideof the researach. “This study showsthat, without grants, few students cannow afford to buy and maintain apencil, even outside the M25,” saidNUS President Kat Fletcher, herself aLeeds graduate.

Pesterthe ProvostPi asked MALCOLM GRANT a seriesof difficult, probing questions...

Q1: Provost, why are you so cleverand brilliant?Ha ha ha. Good question, thanks forasking. Well, it took years of practice.First I had to be a law professor atUCL and teach lovely students likeyourselves. But some of it’s just a gift,really. I like to think of it like a sort ofdivine right. Anyway, I couldn’t be anyworse than that tosser Roberts, couldI?Q2: Are you pleased now we’reSunday Times University of theYear?Oh yes, very pleased, very pleasedindeed. This is a tribute to the fineacademic standards...tradition ofexcellence...biochemistry...liberaltradition...(to be continued)

FREE

648 |pi magazineThe Student Magazine of UCL Union

by TOBY CHISWICK

Fashion

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While in October the recommendedhaute couture outfit was a classic,yet daring combination of jeans,jacket, shoes and shirt, in either aever-stylish combination of tonalshades or a daring thrillingcontrast, this month Pi is laudingthe boho chic of art students. So itseems the readership can restassured that no matter what thewear, Pi will approve.

Can

YOU spot all the

spelling mistakes in this

issue of Pi??? If so, don’t

bother running for an

editorial position!

6 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater December 2004

The Cheese Grater Guide toChristmas

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Ah, Christmas. The whole surviving family gathers round, a dogcrackling merrily on the fire, and they all get their heads cut off. Or, ifa Genghis Khan Christmas isn’t for you, try our tips, as suggested byScary Boots...

Emergency Conversational Top-ics for Christmas Social Events

(for use with relatives, fringeacquaintances, and the Queen)

“So, [insert name], where didyou get the idea for such a staggering-ly unattractive and unimaginative hair-cut?”

“Nice to see you haven’t changedthe recipe for the cake! Oh, no, wait..you haven’t changed the cake.”

“Young people today, eh?”“What we need more of in this

country are traditional family values.Traditional Family Values for Tradi-tional Families. Don’t you agree, half-

step-uncle?”“Did anyone watch “Celebrity

Temptation to Resume Coke HabitIsland”?

“You know, I was thinking justthe other day how degrees mean noth-ing in the real world and one can eas-ily learn everything one requires fromhands-on experience!”

“Hey, does anyone else want toplay a spirit-crushing board game withmind-numbingly complicated rulesthat only one branch of the familyknows how to play and will take glee-ful delight in explaining in ever morecomplex ways to everyone else, who

will end up smiling bemusedly andpolitely and getting thrashed?”

“As a token of my appreciationthis Christmas, I have decided to giveyou a portion of all I have. Enjoy thedebt.”

“Yes, my hair is silly, isn’t it .. Ican’t wait till I no long have any anddon’t have to worry.”

And if entirely desperate:“You know most murders take

place at Christmas, and are commit-ted by someone you know?”

Scary Boots<scaryboots@tiscali.co.uk>

December 2004 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater 7

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Scary Boots<scaryboots@tiscali.co.uk>

Christmas on TVIf you’ve taken any of the advice opposite, it’llbe time to barricade the door and settle downdown to some good old Christmas telly. Here’sa preview and review...

PICK OF THE DAYPride and Prejudice (BBC1,

18:30): a sub-standard reworking ofPride and Prejudice™; in this episodeLizzy Bennet™ spurns the advances ofMr Darcy™. How will Mr Darcy™react? Will Lydia Bennet™ run off with

the evil Mr. Wickham™? Brand-newdrama sponsored by Mattell™.

Donnie Darko (C4, 22:55):mind-bending film. Warning; featuresstrong language, sentiments of a de-pressing nature, scenes of mild violencetowards a statue, one scene of strongperil, references of a sexual nature, 6ftgrey-coloured bunny rabbit, 6ft orange-coloured Patrick Swayze, accusationsthat Patrick Swazye's character is a pae-dophile (his lawyers wish to state thatPatrick

Swayze is NOT, I repeat, NOTa real-life paedophile and is in fact a

patron of a children's charity), contro-versial speculation about the sexualpractices of Smurfs/Smurfettes, deep-ly unsatisfying ending. People of a nerv-ous disposition or a tendency to thinksuicidal thoughts, lovers of sculpture,prudes and insominacs may wish toreconsider viewing this film.

TelevisionAA Roadmap

I was reversing the Audi out ofone of those badger-cul bolt-holes inSt. John’s Wood — the ones that lookas though they’ve been designed totake a tentful of Sudanese refugees anda packet of Corn Flakes, and no more— when the Bonde opened her mouthand said, “Look at the clouds; therenot white, they’re just a whiter shadeof grey.”

Well, great. And that’s just whatyou’re getting for Christmas. Onceagain,the Tristrams have been doingtheir deadly work with life-affirming

precision: “Above all, it’s got to beChristmassy.”

I despair, I really do. Saying tel-evsion at Christmas should be Christ-massy is like being sodomised by ahumpback whale and telling it to makeit painful. I t goes so stupidly to thepoint that it never gets there at all, andhangs around pointlessly, like Sartreon an oil drum in Paris in ’68. Whatyou must understand about Satre is,he had a lumpy old orange for a head.He actually had a lumpy old orangefor a head. I mean, why didn’t MichelFoucault go up to him and tell him:“Monsieur Sartre, je regretted’annoncer que vous avez une vielleorange pour une tête”? Ah, but itwould have brightened things up a lit-tle.

Anyway, I suppose the lovelypeople at Times House want me towrite something about this godforsak-en sop to a decadent walrus’ family,so here it is. Judi Dench is thoroughly

unwatchable; you’re better off withDel Boy. There, I’ve said it. Now leaveme alone. I’m not writing about TVagain till next Christmas.

8 TheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGraterTheCheeseGrater December 2004

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine SocietyUCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society

PrPrPrPrPresident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor:esident and Editor: René Lavanchy TTTTTrrrrreasureasureasureasureasurer: er: er: er: er: Nick CowenE-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: E-mail and letters for publication: cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk

UCL Union Cheese Grater Magazine Society, UCL Union, 25 Gordon Street, London WC1H 0AYThe views expressed herein are not necessarily those of UCL Union. In fact, they’re probably not.

What? Is that it?Yes.

No other stuff?No no more.

Why not?Nobody did any. Besides, it’s nearly Christmas; give your eyes a rest.

Bollocks to that. What about more stuff?Good idea. Why don’t you contribute?

How?Write, draw or photo graph stuff. But there’s another way to contribute. You can tell us of any stories you think

should be investigated by e-mailing us at: cheese_grater_magazine_society@ucl.ac.uk

Why should I, anyway?We’ve got a lot going for us. We didn’t get disaffiliated, for a start. And we’re not about to disappear. This issue has

appeared in a bigger number than last time, more people have heard of it, and it’s getting to a wider audience. Yourefforts will be noticed. And next year, we expect to have a website too. You’ve got to at least acknowledge we’re here.

When’s next issue?Sometime in February. Then there’ll be a final issue for the year. Oh, and there’ll be the AGM, so if you want to

take over as editor...well, you can try.

Now what do I do?Stop reading.

Contributors to this issue: Contributors to this issue: Contributors to this issue: Contributors to this issue: Contributors to this issue: Nikolai Morofski, Scary Boots, Amy Leung Thanks: Thanks: Thanks: Thanks: Thanks: Tom Jenkins, Prof. John Foreman

Griff Rhys Jones to buyLondon Foot Hospital?

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The hirsute TV man, inset, and the London Foot Hospital in Fitzroy Square, up for grabs.

N O ,WE’RE NOTmaking it up.The long-hairedmulti-million-aire TV produc-er, actor and pre-senter of BBC’sRestoration pro-gramme mightpossibly try tobring the Lon-don Foot Hospi-tal back to life.

The LFH, based in Fitzrovia,was once site to UCL’s now-defunctpodiatry course. After a futile cam-paign last year to save the hospital, thebuilding looks set to be sold off to somedeveloper. However, sources close toJones, who made £23 million whenhe sold his stake in nearby-based TVproduction company Talkback Thames2000, tell us that he has recently con-sidered forming a consortium to buyup and preserve the hospital. So far,however, no serious buyers appear tohave come forward. RL