CHAPTER4FreedomVSControl

(HERETool#2)

“Theonethingyoucan’ttakeawayfrommeisthewayIchoosetorespondtowhatyoudotome.Thelastofone’sfreedomsistochooseone’sattitudeinanygivencircumstance.”―ViktorE.Frankl

NowthatwehaveacleartranscendentTHEREandwehavesomeideaofourcurrentrealityinrelationtopowerandleadershipstyles,wecandivedeeperintoourHEREwiththesecondHEREtool.ThesecondHEREtoolisFreedomvsControl.

FREEDOM

WhenourTHEREisclearandwearecommittedtoit,itcanbetemptingtotrytocontrolotherstocomewithyou.Thiscanbedonethroughnumerousformsofmanipulation.However,totrulyallowotherstobecometransformationalmeansthattheyhavetochoosetodowhatisright,becauseitisright.Weshouldinviteotherstojoinusonthejourneyinlifebutwecannotcontrolthem.Theyarefreetomaketheirownchoices.

Insteadofcontrollingothers,wewanttohope,prayandencourageothersdowntheroadoflifeandwhennecessaryexhortandrebuke.Thiswillhelpprovideastructureforthemtoworktowardswhatwecallself-governance.ThisstructureiscalledtheFreedomV.

TheFreedomVcanbelookedatfromtwodifferentperspectives.Itcanbeviewedfromaperspectiveofhowtoleadoneselfandhowtoleadothers.

ThekeypointsofthefreedomVisthatstructuredemandsbehavior.Wemusthaveclearexpectationsandconsequencestopromoteself-governance.ThelargerViscreatedusingclearexpectationsandclearconsequences.

Inthepictureabove,wecanseetheboundariescreatedforusinthelargerV.Thisdepictsastructureputinplacethroughalawofnature,youremployeroranyoneinapositionofauthority(expectationsandconsequences).ThesmallerVinthemiddleisastructurewecreatebecauseweareself-governed.Forinstance,ifyoursupervisortellsyouthatyouhavetobetoworkby0800(theboundaryofthebiggerV),youmayputastructureinplaceforyourselfthatgetsyoutoworkby0750everyday.Youhavecreatedastructurethatcreatesaccountabilityforyourself(thesmallerV).Youhavelimitedyourownfreedomsoothersdonothaveto.Self-governancemeansthatyoudowhatisrightbecauseitisrightandnotoutoffearofconsequenceorreprisal.Itislimitingyourownfreedomsoothersdon’thaveto.Itismorepalatableforustolimitourownfreedomthathaveothersdoit.

Thereareareasofourlifethatwearemoreself-governedinthanothers.Wecanseethiswithourpillarsandvalues.Ifyouareverygoodwithyour

finances,youprobablyhavealotofstructureinplaceforyourself.Youmaydoamonthlybudget,writeoutclearfinancialgoalsorhaveanaccountabilitypartnerwhochecksinwithyouonhowyouaredoingwithyourmoney.Allofthismaysoundveryrestrictiveandthat’sthepoint.Youhaveestablishedastructure(smallV)withinthelargerstructure.Thelargerstructurewouldbeformedbyaboundarysuchasnotpayingyourbillswillresultinlegalaction,repossessionofmaterialpossessions,orpossiblyjailtime.

Withanotherpillar,youmaynotbeasself-governed.Let’susethephysicalpillarasanexample.ThelargerVboundariesareestablishedbylawssuchasacertainweight,bloodpressureorcholesterolnumbermayresultindeath.Ifyoucontinuetocrossthoseboundaries,therewillprobablybeconsequencesthatcouldevenincludeyourdeath.Youarefreetodothisbutitisprobablynotinyourbestinterest.

ICorinthians6:12Allthingsarelawfulforme,butallthingsarenothelpful.Allthingsarelawfulforme,butIwillnotbebroughtunderthepowerofany.-NKJV

ICorinthians10:23

Allthingsarelawfulforme,butnotallthingsarehelpful;allthingsarelawfulforme,butnotallthingsedify.Letnooneseekhisown,buteachonetheother’swell-being.–NKJV

Paulistellingusthatjustbecausesomethingsarelegalforustododoesn’tmeanitisbeneficialforustodothem.Justbecausethelawallows,itdoesn’tmakeithelpfulforus.TheFreedomVwecreateforourselvesinsideofwhatthelawgivesus,preventsusfromdoingthesethingsthatarenotgoodforus.Thatstructurewecreatekeepsusfrombeingbroughtundertheinfluenceofthoseunhelpfulthings.

Asleadersatwork,insocialorganizationsorinourfamilies,weprovidestructureforoursubordinatesorchildrentohelpthemchoosetheright

actions.Tocreateastructuretohelpothersmakegoodchoices,wehavetoprovidethemclearexpectationsandconsequencestohelpthemstaywithintheFreedomV.Wecreatetheseboundariesusingourfivetypesofpower.Weuseourpositionandcoercivepowertocreatetheouterboundariesandthenreferent,rewardandexperttoinfluencethemtostayintheV.

Youwillnoticeclearexpectationsandconsequencesarekeytothis.Clarityofthesetwoitemsarewhatmakeallthedifferenceinusingthistool.Iftheboundarycreatedisnotclearorevenalittlefuzzy,itisverydifficultforotherstostaywithinthestructure.Weuseourpositionpowertolayoutthestructureandthecoercivepowertolayouttheconsequencesshouldoursubordinatedecidetocrossthatboundary.Hopefully,weinsteadwillbeabletoutilizereward,expertandreferentpowertokeepthemwithinthestructure.Ourpersonalexampleofstayinginsidethestructureiscriticalforthis.

IfmyTHEREforraisingmychildrenisalongthelinesof“raisinggoodadultscapableofmakinggooddecisions”,thistoolisespeciallyuseful.Whenachildisyounger,wehavethemverytightintheFreedomV.ChildrencomeintothisworldseparatedfromGod.Asparents,welookatthemasbeautifullittleangels.Inreality,theyarequitetheopposite.Theyhavetobetaughthowtoshare,taughthowtolove,taughthowtoberesponsibleandtaughthowtonotmakelifeaboutME.TodothiswehavetostartchildrenoffinthebottomoftheFreedomVwithalotofstructure.Theyaretoldwhattimetowakeup,whattimetogotobed,toeatandevenplay.Theylearnthattheyareonascheduleandthatiftheychoosetoviolatetheclearrulesprovidedforthemtherewillbeconsequences.Asthechildgrowsolderanddemonstratemorematurity,theyaregivenawiderVtomaketheirownchoiceswithalittlemorefreedom.Theymaygetalaterbedtimeortimetobehome.Iftheyviolatethattime,theyhavecrossedtheboundaryandsuffertheconsequences.Asthechildgetsevenoldertheyreceivemorefreedom.Theymaygetthecarkeysandtoldtobehomeby10:00PM.Iftheycontinuetoshowgoodfaith,theymaybegivenmorefreedomandiftheystepacrossthatboundary,theymayfindthemselvespulleddowninthefreedomVabit.Weseethisdoneforusinscriptureoverandoveragain.

Genesis2:16-17

AndtheLORDGodcommandedtheman,saying,“Ofeverytreeofthegardenyoumayfreelyeat;butofthetreeoftheknowledgeofgoodandevilyoushallnoteat,forinthedaythatyoueatofityoushallsurelydie.”–NKJV

WithAdam,Godgavesomeveryclearexpectationsforhowtoconducthimself.HetoldAdamthathecouldeatfromanytreeinthegardenbutnotfromtheTreeofKnowledgeofGoodandEvil.GodalsolaysouttheconsequencesshouldAdamdecidetocrosstheboundaryoftheFreedomV.HewastoldtheconsequenceofviolatingthestructureGodprovidedwasdeath.

Godgivesusagreatexampleofhowtodothisforothersinourlives.Hecommunicatestheexpectationsandconsequencesveryclearly.HegrantsAdamtheabilitytomakehisownchoicesforhisactionsandletshimknowwhatwillhappenshouldhechoosetomakepoordecisions.Goddidn’ttrytocontrolAdam.Helethimchoosehisownfate.Thisisexactlywhatweshouldbedoingwithourchildrenandthoseweareresponsiblefor.

Whenraisingchildren,weoftenseethisprincipleturnedupsidedown,literally.ChildrenaregivenanupsidedownV.Whentheyarelittle,theyaregiventoomuchfreedomandareallowedtodowhatevertheylike.Astheygetolder,theparentsstarttorealizetheirchildisonaterribletrajectoryandwillnotbeself-governedorcapableofmakinggooddecisionsontheirown.Thiscausestheparentstotrytoclampdownonthemwithanattempttocontrolthem.Theissueisexacerbatedasthechildbeginstorebelanditmakesmattersevenworse.UsingtheFreedomVproperlyandfollowingthroughwithcoerciveandrewardpowercancreatetheunderstandingoftransactionalleadershipwhichcanlaterbegrowntowardstransformational.

Thisprincipleworkswellwithnewemployeesaswell.WewanttoputpeopleoutintheFreedomVasfaraswecanwithoutgoingtoofar.Ifwedon’tprovideenoughstructureforpeople,theywillflounderandfail.Wewanttogivethemallthefreedomtheycanhandlebutnotmore.Whenpeopledemonstratethattheyareself-governed,theydon’tneedabunchofrulestogetthemtodowhattheyshouldbedoing.TheywillcreatetheirownstructuretokeepthemintheirownFreedomV.

Theleadershipstyles,shownabove,areanotherwaytohelpusunderstandhowtousetheFreedomV.WecanseethatweshouldbeusingthedirectiveleadershipwhensomeoneisdownlowintheFreedomV.Astheymoveoutfurther,wewanttouseotherleadershipstylestoallowthemmorefreedom.Whenwefinallyreachtransformationalleadership,wehaveasharedThere-Here-Pathandpeoplearemorelikelytobeself-governed.Thissimplymeanstheywillrestricttheirownfreedomsosomeoneelsewon’thaveto.

Leaderswhocanapplythisprincipleunderstandhowcomplexitcanbe.AdultstypicallyresideinmultipleplanesalongtheinsideoftheFreedomVatonetime.Youmayhavesomeonewhoisveryself-governedinoneareaoftheirlifebutneedsmorestructureinanother.PullingthepersonallthewaybackdownintheFreedomVcanbecatastrophic.Youmayneedtoprovidemoreclarityofexpectationsandconsequencesforoneaspectoftheirjoborlifebutnotinothers.Forinstanceifyourchildisn’tcleaninghisroomproperlybutallotherchoresarebeingdonewithoutasking,you

wouldn’twanttoputstructuresinplacefortheotherchoresbeingdonecorrectly.Thatwilljustcausethemtorebel.Providethestructuretohelpthemcleantheirroomandallowthemtocontinuetodemonstrategoodjudgementwheretheyhaveproventodosoalready.Thesameistrueintheworkplace.Ifsomeoneistransformationalinsomeareasbutnotothers,addresstheareasinwhichtheyneedhelpwithmorestructuresolely.

Agoodlitmustestforhavingtherightstructures,clarityofexpectationsorclarityofconsequencesinplacecouldbetocounthowmanyordersyougiveeveryday.Ifyoufindyourselfgivingordersallthetime,youareprobablymissingastructure,clarityorrulethatcanhelppreventthis.Havingothersmakethecorrectdecisionontheirowncanalleviatealotoftimeandeffortonthepartoftheparentormanager.Inthemilitarywecallthisdecentralizedcommand.

CONTROL

Providingstructureforothersdoesnotmeancontrollingthem.Theystillhaveachoice.DidAdamandEvehaveachoice?Theychosetoeatthefruitandhadtosuffertheconsequences.Wecannotcontrolothers.Infact,thereareonlythreethingsinlifewecancontrol.Wecancontrolwhomwetrust,ourattitude/perspective,andouractions.

Oneofthegreatparadoxesoflifeisthatifwewantmoreinfluencewithothers,wehavetogiveupcontrol.Thissoundscounterintuitivetomostpeople.Whenyoutrytocontrolothers,theywillrebel.Whenyoutrytoforcethemtodosomething,theywillresist.However,whenyoumakeittheiridea,letthemhavetheappropriateamountofautonomy,andmakethemresponsibleforit,theywillbemuchmoreinvested.Thiswillopendoorsforustoinfluencethem.Whenwetrytocontrolthemortheiractions,theywillresistandnotwanttocometousforadvice.Instead,theywillcometoustomakedecisionsforthem.Dependencyisgoodforourego,butnotforthegrowthofthoseweareserving.Thiswilllimittheirpersonalgrowthandrequireustocontinuetomakeallofthedecisions.

Whenwedon’ttrytocontrolothers,theywillbemorelikelytocometousforadviceandhelp.Tohavemoreinfluenceyouhavetogiveupcontrol.

Therealityiswecannotcontrolothers.Thereareoversevenbillionpeopleintheworldandwegettocontroloneofthem.Nomatterhowhardwetrythroughanytechniqueweuse,wecannotcontrolothers.Theyarefreetomakeanydecisiontheywish.Wecannotevencontrolourchildren.Thatstatementusuallyrubssomeonethewrongwaybutitistrue.Ourchildrenarefreetomaketheirownchoices.Thosechoicesmaycomewithsevereconsequencesbuttheycanstillchoosetodowhatthestructurewehaveprovidedthemsaystodoortheycanchoosetostepacrosstheboundary.

“Theonethingyoucan’ttakeawayfrommeisthewayIchoosetorespondtowhatyoudotome.Thelastofone’sfreedomsistochooseone’sattitudeinanygivencircumstance.”―ViktorE.Frankl

ViktorFranklwasinaconcentrationcamp.Hestillhadchoices.Hecouldstillchoosehisattitude.Hecouldstillchoosewhohetrusted.Hecouldstillcontrolhisactions.Wemaythinkwecontrolourchildrenbutnoonecanbecontrolled.Wecanputaverystrictstructurearoundothersthathaveverystrictconsequences,buttheystillhavechoices,internallyandexternally.VeryfewsituationswecouldpossiblyputothersincomeclosetothestructurestheconcentrationcampsprovidedViktorFrankl.However,herecognizedthathestillhadchoices.

Thisleadsustoanothergreatdichotomyofcontrol.Whenyouattempttocontrolotherpeoples’choices,theyendupcontrollingyou.Asyoutrytogetthemtodowhatyouthinkisintheirbestinterest(controlthem),youareattemptingtotakeawayfreedom.Thisisnotpossible.Whentheyfeelyouaretakingfreedomawayfromthem,theywillprobablyrebel.Theiractions,orlackthereof,causesyoutobeupsetorreact.Theyarenowcontrollingyou.Youcangivepeoplethebestadvicepossibletodowhat’sintheirbestinterestbutitisstilltheirchoice.Noteveryonewill

makethejourney.Wecanonlyinvitethemalong.Theymustchoosetotakeastepdownthepath.

Haveyouevertriedtocontrolyourspouse?Whataretheresultsofthis?Whentheydon’tdowhatyouwant,youremotionsstarttoshow.Theiractionsorlackthereofarenowcontrollingyou.Ifyoudon’tlikeotherscontrollingyou,theanswerisverysimple.Don’ttrytocontrolothersorthatisexactlywhatwillhappen.

Thefirstthingwecancontroliswhomwetrust.Ultimatelythisisthefundamentaldecisionoflife.DoyoutrustGodordoyoutrustsomeoneotherthanGod?WhenwerecognizeGodisincontrolandnotus,itisfreeing.Wecanexpandthistotrustingotherstosharetruthwithus.Doyouhavesomeoneinyourlifethatyoucantrusttosharetruthwithyou?BeingsomeonewhocanbecountedontosharetruthwithotherswillhelpthemfindtheirHERE.Havingsomeoneyoucantrusttosharetruthwithyou,willhelpyoufindyourHERE.

Theseconditemwegettocontrolisourattitudeorperspective.Wecancontrolhowweviewthings.Thisisheavilyinfluencedbythefirstitemwegettocontrol.DoIbelieveGodisincontrolandthathehasmerightwhereIamforareason?IfIbelieveGodhasmewherehewantsme,Icanlookatcircumstancesinmylifedifferently.IcanchoosetounderstandthatGodhasmewhereIamforareasonandinsteadofhavingapoorattitudeIcanchoosetoaskwhatIshouldbelearningrightnow.OurattitudeorperspectiveisoftenareflectionofourTHERE.Icanchoosetoaffectlife,peopleandcircumstancesorIcanchoosetoletthemaffectme.

Agoodfriendofmine,DiannePass,lostherhusbandJohnafewyearsago.Hehadaprotractedillnessthathadhimbedriddenandinconstantdiscomfort.InherbookLessonsinLivinganddying,shetellshow,onedaytowardstheend,Johngotabitcrankyandgotalittleshortwithher.Heveryquicklyrealizedwhathewasdoingandimmediatelyapologized.Hestatedthatmaybehecouldn’tdoanythingforhimselfanymorebuthecouldchoosetohaveabetterattitudeforDianne.Hecouldchoosehisperspectiveofservingherbynotbeingcranky.

“Wewholivedinconcentrationcampscanrememberthemenwhowalkedthroughthehutscomfortingothers,givingawaytheirlastpieceofbread.Theymayhavebeenfewinnumber,buttheyoffersufficientproofthateverythingcanbetakenfromamanbutonething:thelastofthehumanfreedoms--tochooseone'sattitudeinanygivensetofcircumstances,tochooseone'sownway.”―ViktorE.Frankl

Thethirditemwecancontrolisouractions.Wecanchoosetochangeitemnumberone(whomwetrust),wecanchoosetotakeatimeoutandresetouremotions,wecanreassessourHERE,wecanchangeourTHERE,orwecantakeastepdownthepath.However,wecannotchoosetocontrolotherpeoples’choices.Wecanprovideinfluence.Wecanprovideadvice.Wecanprovidestructure.Butwecannotcontroltheiractions.

Matthew7:1-6

“Judgenot,thatyoubenotjudged.Forwithwhatjudgmentyoujudge,youwillbejudged;andwiththemeasureyouuse,itwillbemeasuredbacktoyou.Andwhydoyoulookatthespeckinyourbrother’seye,butdonotconsidertheplankinyourowneye?Orhowcanyousaytoyourbrother,‘Letmeremovethespeckfromyoureye’;andlook,aplankisinyourowneye?Hypocrite!Firstremovetheplankfromyourowneye,andthenyouwillseeclearlytoremovethespeckfromyourbrother’seye.“Donotgivewhatisholytothedogs;norcastyourpearlsbeforeswine,lesttheytramplethemundertheirfeet,andturnandtearyouinpieces.–NKJV

Inthescripturereadingabove,Jesusishelpingusseethatweoftenobservewhatneedstobe“fixed”inothersveryeasily.However,theproblemisthatweseetheseusuallyminorissuesinothersandmissourowncurrentreality.Weseethespeckintheireyebutlookpasttheplankinourown.Whenweseethewronginothers,itisusuallybecausewehavethesamewronginusonabiggerscale.Insteadoffocusingoncontrollingothers,focusoncontrollingthethreethingswecancontrol.Ifyouwanttoaffectchange,startwithchangingyourself.Startbybeingagoodexampleofwhatrightlookslike.

WhenwelookbacktothestoryofLTCJoshuaChamberlainandthe20thMainedefendingLittleRoundTop,wecanseethistoolplayoutveryclearly.Whenthe20thMaineencounteredthe13Sharpshooterswhoweredeserting,Chamberlaincouldhavehadthemshot.Instead,hechoseadifferentcourse.Hegavethemachoice.HetoldthemtheycouldgobacktoMaineortheycouldgowiththe20thMainetoLittleRoundTop.Chamberlainwentastepfurther.Hegavethemveryclearexpectations.Hetoldthemthatiftheywentintobattlewithhisunit,theywouldbeexpectedtofight.Heinvitedthemtobeapartofthe20thMaine.WhatwouldhavehappenedhadChamberlainforcedthementogoalongwithhisunit?Theyprobablywouldhaverunatthefirstsoundsofgunfirewhilethe20thMaine’sattentionwasoccupiedelsewhere.Instead,theywereinvitedalong.Theywereapartoftheunitandtheyfought.Those13men

providedthelethalfirethatbyallaccountswasdecisivetotheConfederateattackbeingrepelled.Withoutthemthereandfighting,historymayhaveturnedoutdifferently.

Chamberlainunderstoodthissimpletruth.Heunderstoodthatyoucannotcontrolothers.Becauseofhisunderstandingandapplicationofthisprinciple,hewasabletocompletehismissionandchangehistory.

WhenweunderstandGodisincontrolitaffectsourattitudeorperspective,especiallywhenthingsinourlifeseemtobedifficult.WhenwehavetheattitudethatGodhasuswherehewantsusforareason,itaffectstheactionswetake.Whenyouseeyourselfmakingpoorchoices,itisusuallyaresultofapoorperspective.Whenyouhaveapoorperspective,itisusuallyaresultofnottrustingGod.

TheFreedomVisagreattooltomoveourchildrenfromselfishcreaturestogoodadultscapableofmakinggooddecisionsontheirown.Itisgoodtohelpusunderstandhowtosetstructuresinplacetokeepusfromcrossingaboundarythatwillresultinconsequences.ItisagoodtooltohelpusshowothersthatwearemovingthemintheVtogivethemmorestructuretoservethemorgivingthemlessstructurebecausetheyhavedemonstratedself-governanceinthataspectoftheirjoborlife.

Thethreethingswecancontrolhelpsusunderstandthatwecannotcontrolothers.Wecanonlycontrolourselves.Ifwetrytocontrolothers,theyendupcontrollingus.Ifwewantmoreinfluencewehavetogiveupcontrol.

UnderstandingwhereweareintheFreedomVwithrespecttoourselves,helpsusunderstandourHEREalittlebetter.Knowinghowself-governedweareindifferentareasofourliveshelpsusknowwherewemayneedmorestructurefromourselvesorwiththehelpofothers.