conversational calibration ebook

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Conversational C a l i b r a t i o n

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T A B L E O F C O N T E N T SList of Figures and Tables vii

CHAPTER 1 1Conversational Calibration 1

Power Truth 2Avoiding Failed Communications 2Basic Assumptions in NLP 4Mind Readers 6Calibration and Perceptual Positions 11Perceptual Positions 19Activity 1 20Activity 2 21

CHAPTER 2 23Why Calibrate? 23

Power Truth 24No Assumptions 24For Communication Success 29For Business 31For Detecting Liars 35Reading Body Language 37Activity 39Activity 2 41

CHAPTER 3 43How To Use Your Five Senses? 43

Power Truth 44How Do You Experience the World? 44

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Breaking the Barrier 52Using VAKOG to Learn 54Identifying Training Goals 55Implications 56Exercise 58

Chapter 4 61The Art of Noticing & Feedback 61

Power Truth 62State Calibration 62Importance of Feedback 65Persuasive Benefits of Calibration 67Feedback vs. Failure 68Activity 73

Chapter 5 77Calibrating Yes-No Patterns 77

Defining Yes and No 78Scenario 1: 80Scenario 2: 80Scenario 3: 81Scenario 4: 81The Necessity of Yes-No Calibration 82Non-verbal Responses 86In Context 92Saying Yes or No to Yourself 92Activity 1 96Activity 2 97

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Chapter 6 99Creating Rapport Through Calibration 99

Power Truth 100Understanding Rapport 100The Beauty in Establishing Rapport 102Calibrating for Rapport 104Mirroring and Matching 106Building Rapport 110Maintaining Rapport 113Activity: 115

Chapter 7 117Using Calibration for Decision-Making 117

Power Truth 118How We Make Decisions 118Paralysis by Analysis 124Effective Decision Making 128Intuition 131Calibrating Decisions 134Activity 1: Decision Making Styles 138Activity 2 139

Chapter 8 141Conditioning Your Visual Calibration Skills 141

Power Truth 142Perception 142The Visual Sense 144Visual Sub-modalities 147Illustrative Exercises 151

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Calibrating Visual Sub-modalities 153Eye Accessing Cues 155Activity 1 163Activity 2 164Activity 3 164

Chapter 9 165Calibrating in Context 165

Power Truth 166The Importance of Environment 166Human Interaction and the environment 167Logical Levels 168NLP tools and Environment 175Activity 1 183Activity 2 184

Chapter 10 185Ecological Calibration 185

Power Truth 186The Final Test 187Facilitating Ecology Checks 191The Pattern 192Ecology and Congruence 195Activity 200

References 201

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list of figures and tablesTable 1 VAKOG 44Figure 1 VAKOG as Sensory Maps 45Figure 2 VAKOG’s Role in Behavior & Outcomes 58Figure 3 Features of Body Language 63Figure 4 Different body languages

from the same person 65Figure 5 The Communication Process 69Figure 6: Obama and McCain during the 2008

presidential debates 88Figure 7: Body language during conversation 89Figure 8: President Obama’s body language

during a press conference 90Figure 9: Can you tell the difference? 91Figure 10: Mirroring Example 107Figure 11: Steps to Effective Decision Making 129Figure 12: Visual Acuity Exercise 145Figure 13: NLP Visual Map 148Figure 14: How many faces can you find? 149Figure 15: Visual Recall 156Figure 16: Visual Construct 157Figure 17: Auditory Recall 158Figure 18: Auditory Construct 158Figure 19: Kinesthetic 159Figure 20: Auditory Digital 159Figure 21: Logical Levels of Change 170

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Figure 22: Identifying the Different Levels of Change 171Figure 23: Statement Analysis (Burns, 2005) 172Figure 24: Ecology Check 188

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C h a p t e r 1

Conversational Calibration“The only calibration that counts is how

much heart people invests, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And

the only thing people regret is that they didn't live boldly enough, that they didn't invest enough heart, didn't love

enough. Nothing else really counts at all.”

—Ted Hughes

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Conversational Calibration: e. bernard Jordan

P o w e r T r u T h

We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also.

2 Corinthians 6:11-13

prinCiple #1We are not mind readers.

We cannot really hear another person’s thoughts, the same Way god can.

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avoiding failed Communications

Have you ever experienced a conversation going sour? When you thought you were really connecting with the other person, only to find out that you were already offending the other party? Then, you are left confused as to what went wrong?

When you meet someone for the first time, it is quite harder to establish a connection. Compare this experience to interacting with someone you have known since you were a child. Have

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Conversational Calibration

you noticed how it is easier to read someone you have known for some time in comparison to someone you have just met? It

prinCiple #2We communicate for a purpose.

12takes familiarity to be able to accurately measure a person’s reaction and behavior.

We are not mind readers. We cannot really hear another person’s thoughts, the same way God can. When we communicate with another person, we can only understand what they are thinking from what they are telling us. However, a person does not usually divulge everything he or she is thinking about. The tone of voice or the way a person says something or says nothing holds a lot of meaning. Calibration is a skill we need to learn in order to connect with another person effectively.

At the end of the day, we communicate for a purpose. There is a reason why we communicate and we want to achieve that goal in the process. If we cannot read what another person is thinking about, it is harder for us to achieve the goal we want to get at, isn’t it?

Calibration is another word we can use for measuring. In the context of Prophetic Language System (PLS), an offshoot

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from the Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), you learn how to “calibrate” another person. NLP is a reflection of how the mind perceives problems and the world. When we have learned a certain level for the world around us, it is easier to read other people and situations, alike. PLS is a derivative of NLP grounded on the purpose of improving the skills in the prophetic ministry.

basic assumptions in nlp

In NLP, there is what we call basic assumptions that need to be taken into consideration in order for one to understand how an NLP technique works in the communication process. These are the following:

1. The meaning of your communication is the response you get, regardless of your intention. Taking this presupposition in mind makes you more careful and conscious of the things you communicate, thus becoming more responsible of your communication. By taking a closer look at the responses you are getting, and using that information you’ve gathered, you can get closer to the outcome that you want to get.

2. There is no such thing as failure; only feedback. When taking this presupposition, you are widening your perspective because this will help you grasp the concept that at any given situation. There is something to be learned, either pleasant or unpleasant. Feedback

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becomes the source of your information as to how you will change your behavior.

3. Each has the resources to attain the succeeding developmental challenge. Considering this presupposition, you will realize your potential and your accomplishments rather than noticing your deficiencies. This makes you recognize the resources that you have at hand which you can still continue to make great use of.

4. Every behavior is driven by a positive intention. This assumption enables you to perceive a current behavior in a new way. This states that a current behavior is a result of unconscious decision acting in a specific way to achieve something. This tells us that our unconscious mind acts to serve a valuable function, and that, even a negative consequence, still originated from a positive intention.

5. Every behavior (internal or external), symptom, and communication is beneficial in a way. This presupposition will make you ponder and respond out of curiosity, and will instill in you a sense of respect for others’ behavior and actions.

6. The map is not the territory. This presupposition states that the representation isn’t the thing itself. This will make us differentiate that what we see isn’t exactly what the real thing is.

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prinCiple #3the quality of your communication

is very significant in reaching the listener.

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Mind readers

Simply put, if you understand these basic assumptions, you will understand how the skill of calibration can point you in the right direction. Calibration helps you read another person and their state of mind. It helps you understand what is going on in their minds, without being actual mind readers. It aids you in determining to a certain degree how effective your communication with them is going (Altfeld, 2002).

prinCiple #4learning hoW to prophesy and

minister to another person requires establishing a connection With the person.

12The quality of your communication is actually significantly

dependent on your ability to calibrate another person’s emotional

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states, behavioral preferences, and patterns (Altfeld, 2002). How many times have you joked around with a friend, only to realize that he is in a bad mood? For most cases, it is harder to calibrate a person whom you have just met. Say for example, you have a client you need to meet for counseling or you need to minister to a person, how will you even begin the calibration process?

Snap judgments about what specific behaviors mean are rarely accurate. The problem is we have a tendency to assume. People usually make quick generalizations with insufficient information. This can either be because one is unaware, lazy, or indifferent towards the other person’s emotional state and behavior. Either way, it can be a recipe for a failed conversation.

No one really behaves the same in multiple contexts (Altfeld, 2002). A person’s behavior when he has just received news that he had just been promoted will be different for when he realized he has lost his phone. Calibration is a great tool for determining another person’s state of mind in the present. However, calibration must not be used to predict how a person will behave in the future or how he will behave all the time.

To understand it simply, calibration is about noticing what is going on with the other person. This is a highly important skill in PLS. Learning how to prophesy and to minister to another person requires establishing a connection with the person you are ministering to.

Calibration is the technique of measuring the other person’s behaviors in order to find out what their inner feelings and mind states are. You want your communication process to be

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effective. If you see that there are behaviors and mind states that are negative, you need to address those first.

Janicki (2010) states that calibration is a technique that is to read the unconscious messages that other people send. The key in succeeding in this technique is careful listening and dedicated observing. Further, she also focused her discussion on the five senses or the VAKOG:

Visual

Auditory

Kinesthetic

Olfactory

Gustatory

Calibration provides a “sneak preview” on what is going on inside the mind of an individual. Calibration will be a big help in changing behaviors and changing it into more desirable ones, especially in the context of prophetic counseling. It is defined as a technique that is used to read the unconscious messages of any individual.

prinCiple #5people give of unconscious

messages – but only When they are more emotionally attached.

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Calibration is described to be the art of taking a mental snapshot of a person’s emotional state. What is the purpose? This is so you can know when they are accessing the same state again in the future. When you see it again, you will know how to react to the other person’s communication behavior.

Janicki (2010) writes that the assumption in PLS is that most people use one or two of these five senses. Managing to read these unconscious messages offers a peek to the mind of another person. If one succeeds in doing this, the communication that another person sends is easier to understand and thus, one gain more influence to the other.

Believe it or not, all people give of unconscious messages – but only when they are more emotionally attached. The only time that these unconscious messages become hard to read is when they discuss about more “formal” things such as business or school. PLS practitioners often ask series of questions that make their clients more emotionally invested in them. In order to get the unconscious responses, the questions must affect the person as an individual.

Questions like, “how does this affect you?” or “why are you doing this for yourself?” may be used. The clues that can be used to read unconscious messages ranges from predicates (“I feel…” “I see that…” “That sounds…” etc…), eye movements, gestures, posture, breathing, tonal quality, and rate of speech.

At the end of the day, it can be said that calibration is a powerful tool because it unravels the unconscious messages

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one is trying to say and thus, one unravels the real meaning to the communication being delivered.

In order to be successful in this method it is important to know how to listen and to observe the senses that the individual uses (Janicki, 2010). Calibrating into an individual’s unconscious state will be easier if he would be asked by the results of his behavior from his everyday living up to his overall existence. If he is calibrated the right way then he is subjected to being read easily. This will enable to bring out the positive intention and it also follows that the value that guides it will be unraveled.

prinCiple #6our body language tells

a lot about our true feelings.

12In a nutshell, if you are having a conversation with someone,

you need to pay attention to the movements of a person. The way he speaks, his facial gestures, his body position, and the tone of his voice could express what his feelings are. The content of what a person has said may not accurately and adequately reflect the true feelings of a person.

You need to pay attention to the body position of a person. Look at what they are doing with their upper body. Take note of the position they are holding. How are they tilting their heads?

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What distance are they keeping from you? These factors are important when it comes to calibrating a person.

Calibration and perceptual positions

Now, one good question is: What perception do I have of God, and in what direction do I see Him? In the same way, this is the information prophetic counselors need from their clients. Drawing from the writing of Bandler and Grinder (1979), to know how we perceive things or objects can be identified through verbal and non-verbal cues. This means that by the use of language, we are able to know the kind of perception that we have about God.

There is always a slippage between primary and secondary representation. There is a difference between experience and the ways of representing experience to yourself. One of the least immediate ways of representing experiences is with words. (Bandler and Grinder, 1979, p. 16)

In this sense, the use of words in describing one’s own experience is quite different from describing experience through non-verbal cues or non-use of words. In this manner, the listener is able to visualize what one has experiencing through the use of oral language. But the authors are quick to remind us that words are “one of the least immediate ways” (p. 16) in describing experiences. Bandler and Grinder (1979) continue:

If I say to you, “this particular table right here has a glass of water partially filled sitting on top of it,” I have offered you a

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string of words, arbitrary symbols. We can both agree or disagree about the statement because I’m appealing directly to your sensory experience. (p. 16)

The reason why the authors claimed that words are the “least immediate ways” in describing one’s own experience to others is maybe due to the vocabulary, which is limiting. Both the possessor of experience and the listener are required to have enough vocabulary in store, on the part of possessor, to capture the content of an experience, while the listener must have equal vocabulary for easy understanding. If the listener in the said discourse lacks the language to understand the message being conveyed, the experience of the person would not make sense at all.

Whatever kind of good explanation or description one has to use to represent his or her experience if the words being used are not available to the

prinCiple #7We can only understand an

experience by tracing our oWn from the past.

12listener, the latter would not possibly be able to understand and relate to the experience of the person.

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Here, PLS considers modalities as important in understanding perception. We perceive the world based on our experiences, which in turn are stored in our minds. The possibility of such experience is made real due to what PLS theorists called rep-resentational systems or modalities.

The only way one can be able to understand the experience, despite the lack of vocabulary, is to trace the experience of the other with one’s own experience from the past. Unless one is able to find track of such similar experience, one can only fully understand what is being described.

If I use any word that doesn’t have direct sensory referents, the only way you can understand those—unless you have some program to demand more sensory-based descriptions—is for you to find the counterpart in your past experience. (Bandler and Grinder, 1979, p. 16)

It is through one’s own shared experiences that one is able to reveal to others how he or she perceives God and from what perspective or dimension. Here, the principle of rapport is signif-icant and is simple to understand. It is synchronicity or harmony of communication between two individuals (Janicki, 2010). Its main objective is to establish better communication between persons involved. For Keeler and Ferguson (2007), it is “a sense of connection and relationship” (p. 12) between individuals.

But the words are still not enough to get complete information needed in determining one’s perceptual view of God. One of the most important clues to

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prinCiple #8“your ability to perceive is something that

is learned, and you can learn to do it better.”

12consider is to know the voice of God. It is important to have

knowledge or understanding of the voice of God, because it is one of the best ways in which we can know from what perception one has in seeing God.

Sometimes, the person has no clear conscious knowledge about his or her own perception of God. He or she is unconsciously doing something, which he or she feels right. This is a problem of “perceptual programs” (p. 23), which, Bandler and Grinder are referring to. They argued, “If you have trouble seeing pupil dilation, I believe that’s not a statement about pupil dilation; it’s a statement about your own perceptual programs” (Bandler and Grinder, 1979, p. 23).

In order to avoid such perceptual problems, according to Bandler and Grinder (1979), we have to remember that “your ability to perceive is something that is learned, and you can learn to do it better” (p. 23). Their comments are worth noting here.

Most people act as if their senses are simply passive receptacles into which the world dumps vast amounts of information. There is a vast amount of information; so vast that you can only represent

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a tiny fraction of it. You learn to actively select in useful ways. (Bandler and Grinder, 1979, p. 23)

Perceptual programs are important for the two in perceiving clearly the experiences one has. It has to be given an amount of attention on how to correct it. Talking to their peers, they invite them to do something that for them is worth doing. Quoting in full-length:

So what we’ll ask you to do in a few minutes is to change your perceptual programs to determine (1) whether the patterns we’re talking about exist, and (2) whether they can be useful. We’re going to proceed in that step-wise fashion. We’re going to rely on whatever rapport we have with you to get you to do an exercise in which you discover for yourself, using your own sensory apparatus, whether in fact these things we’re talking about are there. Then we’ll talk about how to use them because that’s the really important thing. The ultimate question is whether this is worth knowing about. (Bandler and Grinder, 1979, p. 23)

Now, going back to the question, which I have posted above, what perception do I have about God, and from what direction do I see Him? This can only be answered in two counts: first, knowing one’s own experiences clearly. In doing so, one has to have clear perceptual programs as suggested by Bandler and Grinder. Second, by representing one’s experience through the use of language, both verbal and non-verbal.

To concretely describe what have been said here, let us give a hypothetical example. Imagine that someone is visiting

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you to ask for a spiritual guidance. Jane admitted that she has difficulty in establishing a relationship with God.

Although she would love to connect but she has difficulty to find an effective way without confronting some problems. You, as counselor, are listening intently to what she has been narrating to you, and you end up asking a question such as: “What do you think are the things that hinder you in making connection with God complete?”

The counselor must have triggered different reactions from Jane upon hearing the question being posed. We can imagine the reactions, which Jane may elicit before answering the question; from bodily movements to psychological or mental reactions. But the obvious reference, which we can use in knowing Jane’s reaction, would be her bodily gestures and her answers. From there, we can be able to determine from what perception she has in seeing God.

It seems that Jane has an unclear perception about God. Through her words, which she used to represent or describe her experience, she provides us with enough information to say that her perceptual programs are not systematized. Also, the need for organizing it is necessary for her to overcome this problem so that she can have a clear perception of God.

However, the principles being applied here are not enough for us to determine the type of perception one has in seeing God. Here, the principle of calibration and perceptual positions come in. These two principles, along with other kinds of principles like reframing, anchoring, modeling, rapport, modalities, and sub-

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modalities, help us to fully understand the nature of perception in the context of PLS.

prinCiple #9calibration is useful in reading unconscious

signs, symbols and signals from people.

12What has been discussed above has something to do with

calibration, which basically is a technique. This technique is useful in reading the unconscious signs, symbols, and signals from the people. In doing so, one must have the skill to master the five senses or simply known as the VAKOG (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory, gustatory) (Janicki, 2010). In order to be successful in applying this technique, one has to be a keen listener and observer.

Furthermore, Keeler and Ferguson (2007) describe calibration as “the ability to notice difference and assigned meaning to it” (p. 11). In this sense, what is involved in calibration is a keen observation of the changes that take place to one’s physiological dimension. Keeler and Ferguson (2007) further discuss:

In calibration games, people become more aware both of how other people represent internal states through subtle phys-iological changes and of how their own signals allow them to

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respond to such signals whether or not they have been conscious of noticing them. (p. 11)

Calibration, along with perceptual positions, create a model of the “person’s experience and that model allows one to create rapport” (p. 12). Aside from calibration, perceptual positions also need to be discussed in order to have a clearer understanding of our perception. Keeler and Ferguson (2007) discussed the multiple perceptual positions, which comprise three different positions: perspective of the self (first position), other’s perceptions of the self (second position), and one’s perception of the self in relation to the other (third position).

While Keeler and Ferguson (2007) only give three perceptual positions, Hoag (2012), on the other hand, provides four per-ceptual positions and each position has three subtypes. Each position has been clearly defined by Hoag. To briefly describe each position, the first position is what he called “your own” perceptual position; the second is of an “other;” the third is quite like an “observer;” and the fourth one is a “synthesis of all the others” (Hoag, 2012).

To clearly understand each position, we have to use different personal pronouns. The first position corresponds to the first person pronoun “I”; the second is “you”; the third is the third person “he, she, they”; and the fourth is a synthesis which “we” is applicable. While the first perceptual position speaks about your own perception, the second is an invitation to enter into the “other” perception or world in order for you to understand the other.

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This is somewhat an act of trying to put oneself on the shoes of others. The third position is by trying to indirectly involve in the communication between the two individuals, assuming a position of a spectator or observer. For Hoag (2012), this is the time when you can gather information about those individuals. The fourth position, on the other hand, since it is the synthesis of the second and third position function as the filter allowing the person who stands as spectator to synthesize what he has gathered from the said activity.

prinCiple #10our unconscious mind reveals to us

the orientation of our perception toWards god.

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perceptual positions

Our perception of God determines how we live our lives. It affects our attitudes, our values, our thoughts, our words, and our behaviors. We need to determine how we see God. Our unconscious mind reveals to us the orientation of our perception towards God.

Everything in your spiritual life depends on the sort of God you worship. Because of the character of the worshiper will always be molded by the character of what he worships: If it is a

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cruel and revengeful God, the worshiper will be the same, but if it is a loving, tender, forgiving, unselfish God, the worshiper will be transformed slowly, wonderfully, into this likeness (Hannah Whitall Smith, The Unselfishness of God)

You need to understand that the way you perceive God affects your whole belief system. If you have an incorrect perception of God, you will have an incorrect and even destructive view of everything else in your life. What you believe about God will dictate how you live your life. If you do not believe God exists, you will live life as if God does not exist.

You will have no trouble in engaging in immoral activities because without God, there is no such thing as immorality. On the other hand, if you believe God exists and you consider Him your Master, you will live your life in obedience to His commands. You will seek to pleasure and glorify God.

activity 1

1. Find an old video footage of footage of interrogations. You can find those online, in sites such as YouTube and the like.

2. Keep the audio playing while you are watching.

3. Calibrate with the simple yes-no questions.

4. Test whether or not you can determine lies from the truth.

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5. Using the old videos will allow you to follow up on these cases. Try to use only videos of cases that have been resolved.

6. What are the body languages you have noticed with the person?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

7. Did you know when the person was lying? How were you able to tell?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

activity 2

1. Go to a mirror. Close your eyes and smile.

2. Visualize how wide your smile is based on how it feels. Freeze.

3. Open your eyes. Most of you will be surprised to see that you are not smiling as widely as you think you are.

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4. Learn how to calibrate how you want to be perceived.

5. Reflect on this: if you cannot calibrate yourself, how can you calibrate others? How important is it to learn how to calibrate your own physical expressions?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

conversational calibration ebook

Documents

power truth

state calibration

conversational calibration

ecological calibration

visual calibration skills

building rapport

understanding rapport

calibrating decisions