1.

EXT. ROOF OF BUILDING - NIGHT

There's a pool on the roof of this building, which wasn't mentioned in the previous episode for some fucking reason.

It's twilight and it's raining again.

Jack stares DISTANTLY into the pool's DEPTHS. And then is overcome by a bout of NARCOLEPSY and falls FACE-DOWN INTO THE WATER and DROWNS.

EXT. PARK - DAY

He jolts awake on a park bench.

And is promptly hit in the head with a ROCK.

He looks out onto the river. The sun sets and the night turns into thousands of beautiful stars, using up THE ENTIRETY OF THE SHOW'S BUDGET.

Daniel touches Jack inappropriately.

DANIELHello Jack.

JACKDaniel, you are touching me inappropriately. Please cease touching me inappropriately.

DANIELI am sorry Jack. I did not consider your feelings when I touched you inappropriately. Do you mind if I sit next to you?

Jack shrugs him off dismissively.

Daniel sits down beside him and stares at the water.

DANIELI don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. But you ... you are soft and smooth.

2.

JACKI am uncomfortable with the direction you are going with this.

DANIELOkay. I will stop, as you have so gallantly requested, Jack.

They sit in silence for way too fucking long.

DANIELI must admit that my presence here is not without an ulterior motive.

JACKI am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your conduct around me, Daniel.

DANIELNo, I am trying to express that you are worrying your girlfriend April who is my sister. She is not certain whether your answer to the question "Are you okay?" will always lie squarely in the affirmative basket.

JACKDaniel, nothing in this life can ever lie squarely in the affirmative basket. Such is the nature of life in Russia.

DANIELWe live in America. Or ... Australia. I am not actually certain. I did not check.

Jack cries like a bitch.

Daniel is so totally unequipped to deal with this.

DANIELOkay. Crying. Human crying. I do not understand. I cannot COMPREHEND

(MORE)

3.

DANIEL (CONT'D)these EMOTIONS BLLLAAAAAARRRGHHHH. Attempting comforting maneuver.

He smashes Jack's back.

Jack coughs and pukes all over his shoes.

DANIELAPOLOGIES. APOLOGIES.

Smashes Jack's back again.

DANIELAPOLOGIES.

JACKYOU ARE NOT HELPING, DANIEL.

Jack sits up, takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes.

EXT. ROOF OF BUILDING - NIGHT

Jack wakes up in the pool half-drowned.

JACK(bubbly in the water)

Shitballs.

INT. JACK'S ROOM - NIGHT

Jack is BUCK NAKED save for an IMPRACTICALLY TINY TOWEL just barely covering his genital region.

He sits on his bed with his laptop and a glass of water.

The glass of water spills all over his bed like he's in a FUCKING INFOMERCIAL.

He removes the towel to reveal a POLKADOT BUDGIE SMUGGLER.

While he dries up the sheets with his towel, Daniel enters.

DANIELHello, Jack. Is that a banana in your polkadot budgie smuggler, or are you just happy to see me while wearing a polkadot budgie smuggler?

4.

The silence is unbearable. Daniel stares at Jack's crotch. Then looks up to meet Jack's eye.

DANIELBRO-JOB! BRO-JOB! BRO-JOB!

They stare at each other in silence for twenty seconds.

Continued unbearable silence.

Jack is very uncomfortable. He starts to speak, but --

DANIEL... CHOOO CHOOOOOOOO!!

Daniel runs out the room. Jack puts on some PANTS.

INT. NOT JACK'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Jack catches Daniel by the christmas tree.

JACKGirlfriend's Brother Daniel. Please listen to me. What you thought you saw was not what you truly saw.

DANIELWhat you do in your own time is a matter of personal privacy that I have no business becoming privy to and I will make note of knocking when I enter your private abode. However, what you are implying by saying to me that what I saw was not what I truly saw is as follows: you have a below-average penis.

JACKDaniel, you are a source of constant misery in my life.

Daniel points up at the ceiling.

DANIELLook! Mistletoe!

END OF EPISODE TWO.