couple conflict and family systems

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Couple Confict and Family Systems Theory

By Ed Hird

For The Guided Study DMin Course on Couple Confict and Family Systems

Instructor and Doctoral d!isor" Dr #addy Duc$lo%

In &anuary '())* I contacted Bar+ara Mutch and #addy Duc$lo% a+out doin, a

,uided study electi!e %ith #addy Duc$lo% in the area o- stren,thenin, marria,e* as

preparation -or my upcomin, doctoral pro.ect/ I commented +y e0mail at the time

that

-ter -urther ne,otiations* %e settled that my ,uided study %ould +e,in in

mid0u,ust '())/ #addy Duc$lo% commented on &uly 1th'()) that 2Focusin, on

confict* you mi,ht %ish to -ocus in on trian,les* di3erentiation and Family Systems

Theory/ That ma$es really ,ood sense/4)5n &uly 6th'())* #addy Duc$lo% -urther

clari7ed the parameters* commentin, that

your su+sections in the chapter %ould include" an o!er!ie% o- all o- theprinciples o- -amily systems theory as they mi,ht relate to confict8 aparticular -ocus on trian,ulation and detrian,ulation as it relates to coupleconfict8 an understandin, o- di3erentiation o- sel-8 and a thorou,he9planation and di3erentiation o- the marria,e -rom the -amily o- ori,in/'

)From" #addy Duc$lo% :mailto"li-e;theduc$lo%s/ca< Sent" Monday* &uly (1* '()) )"61 #M To"Ed Hird Su+.ect" =e" " Thou,hts a+out the ,uided study electi!e

'From" #addy Duc$lo% :li-e;theduc$lo%s/ca< Sent" Tuesday* &uly (6* '()) )(">? M To" EdHird Su+.ect" =e" Thou,hts a+out the ,uided study electi!e @resentA8 Gil+ert* ExtraordinaryRelationships* p/ 6? 2Bo%en considers the therapist to ha!e -our -unctions* to" )/ De7ne andclari-y the relationship +et%een spouses/ '/ eep sel- de0trian,led -rom the -amily emotionalsystem/ >/ Teach the -unctionin, o- emotional systems/ 1/ Demonstrate Di3erentation +yta$in, I position stands durin, the course o- therapy/4

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In preparation -or the ,uided study* I !isited the orth ancou!er i+rary*

llison =e,entCarey i+rary* ST i+rary and BC ood%ard i+rary/ =ichard

Mattiachu$* an llison #u+lic Ser!ices i+rarian* %as most help-ul in helpin, me 7ne0

tune my search/ In addition to this* I met %ith #addy Duc$lo% and %as lent a +o9 o-

+oo$s and articles on Family Systems Theory/

=eadin, the ori,inal %or$s +y Murray Bo%en has really opened my eyes to

the intricacies o- Bo%en Family Systems Theory* remo!in, much o+ser!ational

+lindness/> I ha!e +een struc$ +y l+ert Einsteins comment" 2e!er

underestimate your o%n i,norance/J1 Bo%en held that one has to +e an o+ser!er

+e-ore it is possi+le to see/ 6err and Bo%en commented that 2the closer %e ,et to

oursel!es* the ,reater the pressure to see %hat %e %ant to see or* at least* to see

%hat %e ha!e al%ays seen/ ? 5+ser!in, reKuires sel-0re,ulation o- ones emotional

>=on =ichardson* Creating a Healthier Church: Family Systems Theory, Leadership, andCongregational life@u,s+ur, Fortress* )LL?A* #/'L 2It is the emotional system that is themost dicult to detect and to understand* let alone to try to chan,e/48 #apero* p/1) 2Thecloser man comes to himsel-* the cloudier his !ision +ecomes/48 Bo%en* Family Therapy inClinical Practice* p/>66 2///the clues -or important disco!eries are ri,ht in -ront o- our eyes* i-%e can only de!elop the a+ility to see %hat %e ha!e ne!er seen +e-ore/4

1l+ert Einstein* http"%%%/memora+le0Kuotes/comal+ertNeinstein*a1OO/html

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Bo%en, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ 1('8 Bo%en*Family Therapy in ClinicalPractice* p/ 1O( 2///The process o- +ein, a+le to o+ser!e is the slo% +e,innin, to%ardmo!in, one small step to%ard ,ettin, ones sel- outside an emotional system/ It is only%hen one can ,et a little outside that it is possi+le to +e,in to o+ser!e and to +e,in tomodi-y an emotional system/4

?Michael E err* MD* and Murray Bo%en* MD* Family Ealuation: an approach !ased on"o#en Theory* the Family Center* Geor,eto%n ni!ersity Hospital @ orton P Company*e% Qor$* ondon* #en,uin Boo$s* Canada* )LOOA* p/ )O

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reacti!ity/RGil+ert and Bo%en compare o+ser!in, to puttin, on a la+ coat or

%atchin, -rom a space cra-t/O

Bo%en is %idely reco,nied e!en +y his critics as one o- the $ey -ounders o-

the 7eld o- Marria,e and Family TherapyL/ I ha!e also !alued the opportunity to

read the +oo$s and articles o- Bo%ens disciples* includin, Daniel #apero* =o+erta

Gil+ert* Michael err* Ed%in Friedman* and others/ I %as initially e9posed to Family

Systems Theory +e-ore this Guided Study throu,h readin, $eneration to $eneration

and in ta$in, other Carey DMin courses/ But this ,uided study has resulted in a

paradi,m shi-t %here I am seein, emotional systems and trian,les that +e-ore %ere

mostly in!isi+le to me/)( s Duc$lo% mentioned in our Conficted ChurchConficted

eader Course* Family Systems Theory @FSTA are a pair o- lenses* a %ay o- seein,/))

s a +a+y +oomer %ho %ears ,raduated ,lasses* the !alue o- di3erent lenses -or

+etter seein, ones %orld and emotional systems ma$es ,ood sense/

RBo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ 1O( 25+ser!ation is not possi+le until onecan control ones reactions suciently to +e a+le to o+ser!e/48 =o+erta M Gil+ert* TheCornerstone Concept: in Leadership, in Life* @eadin, Systems #ress* ir,inia* '((OA* p/ R) 2%ay to thin$ a+out steppin, up in -unctionin, in ones -amily in!ol!es three steps" )A5+ser!e 'A Thin$* plan* rehearse >A Implement the plan/4

O=o+erta M Gil+ert MD* The Cornerstone Concept: in Leadership, in Life@eadin, Systems#ress* ir,inia* '((OA* p/ R) 25+ser!e" ///Some put on a la+ coat////Bo%en tal$ed a+out%atchin, -rom a spacecra-t/ 28 err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )O 2#ro+a+ly themost important su+.ecti!ely determined +loc$ to o+ser!in, human +eha!iour has +een theearlier descri+ed diculty in seein, the part onesel- plays in the -unctionin, o- others/4

LMiller* nderson* and eala* 2IS B5E THE5=Q ID =EIE 5F BSIC =ESE=CH4@&ournal o- Marital and Family Therapy* 5cto+er '((1*ol/ >(* o/ 1*16>01??* p/ 16>A8 HomeP Hic$s* '(('8 ichols P Sch%art* '(()

)(

Susan &ones #hD* Family Therapy: % Comparison of %pproaches @=o+ert Brady Co/*)LO(A* #/1'* Kuotin, Bo%en" 2The term emotional re-ers to the -orce that moti!ates thesystem* and relationship to the %ays it is e9pressed/4

))Conficted ChurchConficted eader Course* Carey Theolo,ical Colle,e* http"%%%/carey0edu/cacolle,eima,esstoriesSQBIappl?'>Uduc$lo%U))/pd-8 =o+erta M Gil+ert MD* TheCornerstoneConcept: in Leadership, in Life &eadin, Systems #ress* ir,inia* '((OA* p/ 6(2Bo%en theory/// can pro!ide a set o- constructs* a lens* a ne% %ay o- seein, the humanphenomenon/48 nother analo,y mi,ht +e that o- ha!in, a psycholo,ical cataract operation/

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http://www.carey-edu.ca/college/images/stories/SYLLABI/appl623_ducklow_11.pdfhttp://www.carey-edu.ca/college/images/stories/SYLLABI/appl623_ducklow_11.pdfhttp://www.carey-edu.ca/college/images/stories/SYLLABI/appl623_ducklow_11.pdfhttp://www.carey-edu.ca/college/images/stories/SYLLABI/appl623_ducklow_11.pdf


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In doin, the recommended readin,* it +ecame clear to me that I needed to

temporarily put aside most other psycholo,ical theories in order to understand the

inte,rity o- the Bo%en FST model/ Bo%en holds that our a+ility to see Family

Systems Theory %ill +e limited +y an incautious* eclectic pic$in, and choosin, o-

-a!ourite psycholo,ical theories/ Such eclecticism* says Bo%en* may +e more -or

the +ene7t o- the therapist than the client/)' Gil+ert su,,ests that eclecticism

hinders our see@in,A a systems %ay o- loo$in,* e!en inad!ertently closin, our mind

to ne% $no%led,e/)> She descri+es such eclecticism as oil and %ater/)1

t the heart o- couple confict is confict* a concept that I am ,radually

+ecomin, less pho+ic a+out/ an Qperen notes that

the %ord confict is assumed e!ery%here and stated almost no%here inScripture///5ther %ords* such as dispute* Kuarrel* stri-e* and contention areused more -reKuently in Scripture to descri+e +i+lical confict/)6

)'Murray Bo%en* MD* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice@&ason ronson* e% &ersey* )LO6*)LO>* )LRO* )LL'A* p/ >1) 2In this present a,e %e ha!e the eclectic* %ho tells us that there

is no sin,le theory adeKuate -or all situations and he chooses the +est part o- all the theoriesto +est 7t the clinical situation o- the moment///I +elie!e that///the eclectic shi-tin, may +emore -or the needs o- the therapist than the patient/4

)>=o+erta M Gil+ert* M/D* 2The Ten #ercent Solution' http"%%%/hsystems/or,1/html 2///5-ten* pro-essors or practitioners are so committed to eclecticism that they cannot see asystems %ay o- loo$in,/ They thin$ they can ta$e a little -rom this school o- thou,ht and alittle -rom that* dependin, on %hat is needed in a speci7c situation* missin, the -act thatsystems thin$in, stands alone and conficts %ith other* more indi!idual0+ased %ays o-seein,/ It is sucient -or any human dilemma that is +rou,ht to it/ In -act* it clashes %ith the+asic a9ioms o- other theories in a %ay that ma$es it impossi+le to com+ine them in anycoherent or lo,ical %ay/ These people ha!e closed their minds to any ne% $no%led,e and%ill also lea!e their %or$ prematurely/4

)1=o+erta M Gil+ert MD* The Cornerstone Concept: in Leadership, in Life &eadin, Systems#ress* ir,inia* '((OA* p/ ?L* 2Ho%e!er much %ritin, represents not Bo%en theory* +ute3orts to com+ine other theories %ith someones perception o- Bo%en theory* li$e %ater andoil/48 #apero* p/9ii Bo%en" s the @-amily systemsA theory passes -rom one person to another*it is un%ittin,ly tin,ed %ith -eelin,s* %hich dilute the theory in a process called erosion/

)6&im an Qperen* (a)ing Peace: a guide to oercoming church con*ict @Moody pu+lisher*Chica,o Illinois* '(('A* p/L1* L?

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one o- us are immune to or e9empt -rom confict/)? Confict is redempti!e*

necessary* and ,ro%th0producin, in couples %hen handled %ell/)R Confict* includin,

couple confict* says an Qperen is a+out reconciliation* the restorin, o- +ro$en

relationships/)OFor lastin, restoration* it %ill in!ol!e repentance and restitution

throu,h the direct -acin, o- couple confict and the o%nin, o- responsi+ility/)L

Bo%en theory is -ormally made up o- ei,ht remar$a+le cohesi!e concepts

that deal %ith the human -amily and also %ith the indi!idual/'(Gil+ert states that

the ei,ht concepts o- Bo%en* in the lo,ical pro,ression that +uilds on the -amily as

the emotional unit* are"

)A uclear Family Emotional System

'A The Di3erentation o- Sel- Scale

>A Trian,les

1A Cuto3

6A Family #ro.ection #rocess

)?an Qperen* p/)(' 2e are all o- us conficted/ =e+ellion fo%s throu,h our !eins/4

)Ran Qperen* p/ )(? 2Confict is necessary -or God to shape us/4

)Oan Qperen* p/ LL

)Lan Qperen* p/ )((* 2True repentance* reconciliation* and restitution///mean -acin, confictdirectly and o%nin, -ault completely/4

'(

=o+erta M/ Gil+ert* MD* The Eight Concepts of "o#en Theory: a ne# #ay of thin)ing a!outthe indiidual and the group @eadin, Systems #ress* '((1* '((?A* p/ >8 Michael err andMurray Bo%en* Family Ealuation: an approach+ased on Bo%en Theory @the Family Center*Geor,eto%n ni!ersity Hospital* orton P Company* e% Qor$* ondon* )LOO* #en,uinBoo$s Canada* p/ )>A 2one o- the concepts %ere +orro%ed -rom psycholo,ical theory/ Theori,inal si9 concepts* pu+lished in )L??* %ere as -ollo%s" di3erentation o- sel-* trian,les*nuclear -amily emotional process* -amily pro.ection process* multi0,enerational transmissionprocess* and si+lin, position/ T%o additional concepts* emotional cuto3 and societalemotional process* %ere added in the )LR(s/4

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?A Multi,enerational Transmission #rocess

RA Si+lin, #osition

OA Societal Emotional #rocess')

My -ocus on couple confict and Family Systems Theory %as succinctly e9pressed +y

&ames Framo"

Bo%en deals %ith the -undamental Kuestion o- ho% one can deal %ith his-amilys crainess %ithout ,i!in, the -amily up/ ''

e li!e in a culture that o-ten ,i!es up on the -amily and on marria,e/

Emotional cuto3 is the cultural air that %e +reathe in this socially re,ressi!e society/

Bo%en ac$no%led,es the crainess or irrationality present in many o- our -amilies

and marria,es* +ut teaches us ho% to stay present %ithout +ein, s%allo%ed +y the

an9ious -usion/ hy do conficted couples and -amilies a3ect each other so deeply

Duc$lo% comments that

///It is the nature o- the -amily that its mem+ers are intensely connectedemotionally/ Family mem+ers so pro-oundly a3ect each others thou,hts*-eelin,s* and actions that it o-ten seems as i- people are li!in, under thesame emotional s$in/'>

')Gil+ert* Eight Concepts* p/ 18 Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* #/ )>* The ori,inal si9concepts* pu+lished in )L??* %ere as -ollo%s" di3erentiation o- sel-* trian,les* nuclear -amilyemotional process* -amily pro.ection process* multi0,enerational transmission process* andsi+lin, position/ T%o additional concepts* emotional cuto3 and societal emotional process*%ere added in the )LR(s @Bo%en* )LR?A

''

Murray Bo%en* MD* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice@&ason ronson* e% &ersey* )LO6*)LO>* )LRO* )LL'A* p/ Commentary +y &ames / Framo8 &ames Framo* 2Family o- ori,in as atherapeutic resource -or adults and marital and -amily therapy" you can and should ,o homea,ain4* Family Process* )6")L>0')(* )LR?* #/ >1R 2Bo%en is a sin,ular 7,ure in -amilytherapy %ho has de!eloped Kuite sophisticated concepts a+out the uni!ersal Kuestion o-ho% to deal %ith irrationality in ones -amily %ithout ,i!in, the -amily up/4

'>#addy Duc$lo%* Doctoral #ro.ectThesis" Coaching Church Leaders in Con*ict: resolingstrategies using family systems theory @Trinity International ni!ersity* Deer7eld* Illinois*

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)A uclear Family Emotional System and couple confict

The heart o- Family Systems Theory is clear thin$in,* %hat Gil+ert calls thin$in,

systems'1and Duc$lo% calls thin$in, in systems/'6hat is a relationship system

Bo%en tau,ht that any relationship %ith +alancin, -orces and counter -orces in

constant operation is a system/ '?err and Bo%en commented that

Families* in other %ords* %hile they had %idely di3erent !alues* attitudes*personalities* etc* still played out the same -undamental patterns inrelationships/ ///The -amily system is* at the one and same time* un+elie!a+lysimple and comple9/ It is simple in that one step predicta+ly -ollo%s another*and comple9 in that there are a lar,e num+er o- intricately related !aria+leson many le!els/'R

Bo%en %as said to ha!e the a+ility to thin$ in motion %hich spea$s to me o- a

!ery hi,h le!el o- sel-0di3erentiation and morpho,enesis/'O ouldnt this +e

Decem+er '(('A* #/O

'1=o+erta Gil+ert* Extraordinary Leadership: Thin)ing Systems, (a)ing a +ierence@eadin, Systems #ress* ir,inia* '((?A* p/ '?8 Gil+ert* Eight Concepts* p/ '? 2In thin$in,systems* the -ocus is on the %hole relationship system* ho% emotions circulate throu,h itand the di3erent processes or patterns that arise automatically in the process/4

'6#addy Duc$lo%* #/)6 2The %ord system comes -rom a Gree$ %ord that means standin,to,ether @Ste!ens and Collins* )LL>* pa,e )1LA and it is this !ision o- standin, to,ether thatpermits its mem+ers to ally/4

'?Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice,p/ >6O8 err and Bo%en* p/ >* 2In addition toseparatin, oursel!es -rom nature* %e ha!e also +een inclined to re,ard the human as themost important -orm o- li-e on Earth* the cro%nin, achie!ement o- Gods creation/4 @Ed" hehas a point8 %e could ,o in each direction out o- +alance8 yes* %e are made in Gods ima,e8+ut yes* %e ha!e commonality %ith Gods other creatures* and need to hum+ly learn -rom

o+ser!in, them and their systemic interactionsA

'R err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )(

'OMarria,e and Family Therapy" #sychoanalytic* Beha!ioral and Systems Theory#erspecti!es" Systems and Spirituality" Bo%en Systems Theory* Faith and Theolo,y 0The#apers and #roceedin,s o- a Con-erence on Theolo,y held at ashin,ton Theolo,ical nion*

&uly )LOR* Edited +y &oseph C/ Carolin* #h/D/* CS* )LL(* p/ iii 2Dr Bo%en* as oneparticipant so %ell said* could thin$ in motion/4

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%onder-ul i- many more conficted couples could also learn to thin$ in motion This

spea$s to me o- more relational fe9i+ility rather than ri,id marital homeostasis/

Gil+ert holds that 2hat ma$es it possi+le to thin$ systems 00 seein, in a

%ay %e ne!er ha!e +e-ore V is the a+ility to see the -amily as an emotional unit/4'L

Marria,es and -amilies +ecome emotional units +y spendin, time %ith each other

and there+y +ecomin, important to each other/ >( Friedman holds that Bo%en

theory thus is !ery much a thin$in, therapists therapy/>) Gi!en my si,nature

stren,ths o- ideation* learner and intellection* I resonate %ith this Family Systems

Theory approach to mana,e couple confict throu,h increasin, thin$in, and there+y

reducin, marital an9iety and -usion/>' Ima,ine i- more pastors and pastoral

counselors could train couples to +e marital systems thin$ers/ It %ould certainly

reduce the -o, and con-usion that o-ten paralyes many couples/ s Gil+ert put it*

2 systems thin$er* a+le to encompass a ,reat deal o- comple9ity* can easily cut

throu,h peripheral nonessentials to the core o- the issue/ 2 >> Becomin, a marital

'L=o+erta M Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept: in Leadership, in Life@eadin, Systems#ress* ir,inia* '((OA* p/ 18 Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ )' 2 second importantprinciple -or ,ainin, an understandin, o- human connectedness is that o- emotionalsystems/ ithin that concept* thin$in, systems and o+ser!in, process +ecome clear/4

>(Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ 1 2Their an9ieties a3ect each other/ They %orrya+out each other/ They try to please each other/ t times* they annoy and 7,ht %ith eachother/ Each tri,,ers the other/ They tell each other %hat to do* or +ecome helpless/4Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/)O1 2sually all that is needed -or indi!iduals to+ecome emotionally si,ni7cant* or related* is -or them to spend a si,ni7cant amount o- time%ith each other/ hen indi!iduals spend a si,ni7cant amount o- time %ith one another* they%ill +e,in* sooner or later* to tri,,er each other emotionally* and the phenomenon o-passin, emotions -rom one to another* in patterns* can +e o+ser!ed/4

>)Friedman* Generation to Generation* p/ )>?

>'Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept,p/ >' 2 second .o+ o- leadership as %ell as anymem+er o- a ,roup @Ed" or marria,eA is to $eep thin$in,/ ny ,roup needs all the ,oodthin$in, it can ,et/4

>>Gil+ert* E9traordinary =elationships* a ne% %ay o- thin$in, a+out human interactions@Chronimed #u+lishin,* Minneapolis* M* )LL'A* p/ >)

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systems thin$er is a +i, stretch to most people* as %e usually thin$

indi!idualistically and miss the +i, picture/>1 s Gil+ert puts it* people can learn to

thin$ systems* +ut it does not come naturally to most/>6 s &ones puts it* at times it

is dicult to tal$ a+out emotional systems to emotional systems/>?

t the heart o- -amily systems thin$in, is -amily systems theory/>R Gil+ert

emphatically states" 2earn theory* learn theory* learn theory/4>OThere is no

su+stitute -or +ecomin, %ell0,rounded in theory/ >LBec!ar states that Bo%ens

model

is perhaps the only theory in the 7eld/ It ,i!es us a method o- or,aniin,and cate,oriin, e!ents* helps us predict -uture e!ents* e9plains past e!ents*,i!es a sense o- understandin, a+out %hat causes e!ents* and ,i!es us thepotential -or control o- e!ents/1(

>1Michael E err* MD* and Murray Bo%en* MD* Family Ealuation* p/ i9* 2 Each person %asnot an autonomous psycholo,ical entity* +ut instead %as stron,ly infuenced +y the -amily

relationship system/48 Gil+ert* E9traordinary =elationships* p/ )) 25ne important di3erence@-rom its predecessorA is the insistence o- the ne% theory upon seein, the +i, picture/here Freudian theory concerned itsel- %ith the delineation o- e!er more re7ned detail inthe li-e o- an indi!idual* Bo%en theory pursues an e!er0+roadenin, scope that incorporatesan entire relationship system/4

>6Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/>)8 Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* #/L 2It isthis a+ility to step outside onesel- that is reKuired to +e a+le to see the -amily as anemotional unit/4

>?Susan &ones #hD* Family Therapy: % Comparison of %pproaches @=o+ert Brady Co/*)LO(A* #/ 6R

>RFriedman* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* p/ )6' 2The theory is not prelude

to the practice8 thin$in, it is the practiceW4

>OGil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ ?L

>LGil+ert* Eight concepts* p/ 1'01> 2The +etter one is a+le to understand theory* the moreone can use it and the more it +ecomes a %ay o- thin$in, a+out li-e/4

1(Dorothy Stroh Bec!ar P =alph &/ Bec!ar* Family Therapy: % Systemic -ntegration@'ndEdition* St/ ouis Family Institute* llyn and Bacon* Boston* )LL>* )LLOA* p/ )1R

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common misconception is that Family Systems Theory is a su+set o-

Bertanlan3ys ,eneral systems theory %hich I had learned a+out in )LR' -rom our

BC #hilosophy #ro-essor and #res+yterian Chaplain* Dr &ohn =oss/1) Family

Systems Theory does not en!ision a -amily system mechanistically +ut rather as a

li!in, emotional system* a net%or$ o- interloc$in, relationships/ 1' These li!in,

systems are not a mere sociolo,ical in!ention* +ut are %ritten in nature/1>Be-ore I

came to -aith at a,e )R* I nai!ely thou,ht that marria,e %as .ust a piece o- paper*

a mere sociolo,ical in!ention/ I %as shoc$ed in 7rst readin, the +i+le @Mar$ )("L

hat God has .oined to,etherA to disco!er that God in!ented marria,e* that it %as

%ritten in nature* Gods o%n creation/ s Friedman put it* %e did not desi,n

human relationships anymore than the elephant or ,i++on desi,ned their -amily

systems/11 Disco!erin, such pre0e9istin, li!in, systems throu,h Family Systems

1)Gil+ert, Extraordinary Relationships,#/ >L8 &ones Kuotin, Bo%en @)LR?"?>A 2Family systemstheory as I ha!e de7ned it is a speci7c theory a+out human relationship -unctionin, that hasno% +ecome con-used %ith ,eneral systems and the popular* nonspeci7c use o- the %ordsystems8 &ones* Family Therapy: % Comparison of %pproaches* #/>L 2Because o- thecon-usion +et%een -amily systems theory and ,eneral systems theory* in )LR6 Bo%en@)LROA -ormally chan,ed the name o- his -amily therapy approach -rom -amily systemstheory to the Bo%en Theory/48 err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ 9 2Family systemstheory is important +ecause it %as deri!ed -rom the direct study o- one type o- naturalsystem* the human -amily/ It %as not +uilt on analo,ies* nor %as it deri!ed -rom ,eneralsystems theory/ ///Bo%en may +e the 7rst person to ha!e esta+lished that it is indeedpossi+le to de!elop a systems theory a+out a li!in, system/4

1'Michael E err* MD* and Murray Bo%en* MD* Family Ealuation* p/9i 2Family systemstheory radically departed -rom pre!ious theories o- human emotional -unctionin, +y !irtue o-its conceptualiation o- the -amily as an emotional unit/ ///a net%or$ o- interloc$in,relationships/48 Michael E err* MD* and Murray Bo%en* MD* Family Ealuation,p/ i9 2Bo%enmay +e the 7rst person to ha!e esta+lished that it is indeed possi+le to de!elop a systemstheory a+out a li!in, system/48 Bo%en* Family Therapy Concepts and (ethods* p/>61 2///Ithere-ore chose to use concepts that %ould +e consistent %ith +iolo,y and the naturalsciences///I care-ully e9cluded all concepts that dealt %ith inanimate thin,s///4

1>err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ '? 2Bo%en chose to anchor his theory on theassumption that the human and the human -amily are dri!en and ,uided +y processes thatare %ritten in nature/4

11Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* #/'18 err and Bo%en* p/ '1* 2Family systems theoryassumes that the principles that ,o!ern such thin,s are there in nature -or us to disco!er/48p/ )>) n9iety* emotional reacti!ity* and su+.ecti!ity are processes that can ,radually +emore care-ully o+ser!ed/4

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Theory is similar to disco!erin, a pre0e9istin, tri+al system in deepest -rica that no

one ima,ined e9isted/ It %as there all alon,/ e .ust couldnt see it/ err and

Bo%en see as

/// a cornerstone o- -amily systems theory the assumption that the +eha!iouro- all -orms o- li-e is dri!en and re,ulated +y the same -undamental li-e-orces/ 16

hile I +elie!e* as Genesis )"'? teaches* that humans are uniKuely made in Gods

ima,e* %e ha!e much in common %ith and need to hum+ly learn -rom the

emotional systems o- Gods other creatures on planet earth/1? Can %e learn to

!alue the doctrine o- +ein, made in Gods ima,e in a %ay that doesnt separate

oursel!es -rom nature* that doesnt rape and pilla,e Gods creation* and that

doesnt inappropriately e9a,,erate our importance1R #erhaps this %ill come -rom

the humility o- +ein, Gods ste%ards* Gods non0an9ious careta$ers o- all li!in, and

non0li!in, systems* includin, our sometimes conficted marria,es/ I dont +elie!e in

the li,ht o- the doctrine o- the Fall that nature is morally neutral/1OThe Gospel* and

16err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ 'O

1?err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ '> 2@Bo%ensA theory %as de!eloped on theassumption that an understandin, o- mans emotional -unctionin, must e9tend +eyondpsycholo,ical constructs to reco,nie the humans relatedness to all li-e///In essence* Bo%enproposed///that the systems principles o- operation %ere rooted in nature/4 Ed" =e,ardlesso- ones !ie% on micro or macro0e!olution* this ,eneral principle ma$es sense to me/#ersonally I am presently an a,nostic re,ardin, macro0e!olution* o- chan,e -rom onespecies to another* +ut it is not a 7rst0order issue -or me/

1Rerr and Bo%en p/ >* 2In addition to separatin, oursel!es -rom nature* %e ha!e also +eeninclined to re,ard the human as the most important -orm o- li-e on Earth* the cro%nin,

achie!ement o- Gods creation/ E9a,,eratin, our importance in this %ay has pro+a+ly-urther hampered our a+ility to see the e9tent to %hich the human is related to all li-e/4

1Oerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ >' 2ature is neutral/ There is no ri,ht or %ron,*,ood and +ad/ ature is simply a process o- interrelated e!ents/ But the -eelin, system andhuman su+.ecti!ity ta$es sides in nature and impose on it %hat should +e/4 Ed" do I +elie!ethat nature is neutral Ho% does this ali,n %ith the doctrine o- the -all and our e9perience o-the ra%ness o- nature Is nature simply a process o- interrelated e!ents Dr &ohn =oss%arned that there is no such thin, as a simple thin, @Systems Theory* )LR'A

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perhaps Gods creation itsel-* does ha!e moral imperati!es -or conficted couples*

such as lo!e one another as you lo!e yoursel-/

hen couples are con!inced that an issue must +e resol!ed to end their

confict* polariation easily happens/1LThe Family Systems Theory emphasis in

couple confict is not on the content or su+.ect matter o- the confict as much as the

process o- the confict/6(Concentratin, on the content o- the discussion* says

ichols* is a si,n that the therapist is emotionally entan,led in a couples

pro+lems/6)

s Friedman puts it*

The process can continue re,ardless o- content or su+.ect matter discussed/The critical issue is the emotional reacti!eness +et%een the spouses* and thea+ility o- the therapist to $eep sel- relati!ely detrian,ulated -rom theemotionality/6'

ichols teaches that %e need to pay attention in couple confict to process

and structure/6> #rocess* says ichols* re-ers to patterns o- emotional reacti!ity and

1Lerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation,p/ )OO

6(Michael E err* MD* and Murray Bo%en* MD* Family Ealuation* p/ 9i 2///theory ena+les atherapist to distin,uish +et%een content and process in e!aluatin, a clinical -amily/ Contentre-ers to all the !arious pieces o- in-ormation8 process re-ers to the %ay these pieces o-in-ormation are related/48 Friedman* Generation to Generation* p/ )O( 2The 7rst stepthere-ore is to help the couple re-ocus the content issue and to address instead theemotional processes that are producin, the symptom o- e9treme reaction/4

6)

ichols* Family Therapy Concepts and Methods* p/ )11 2s partners tal$* the therapistconcentrates on the process o- their interaction* not on the details under discussion///It may+e hard to a!oid +ein, dra%n in +y hot topics li$e money* se9 or discipline* +ut a therapists

.o+ isnt to settle disputes V its to help couples do so/ The aim is to ,et clients to e9pressideas* thou,hts and opinions to the therapist in the presence o- their partners/ //s$in, -ordetailed descriptions o- e!ents is one o- the +est %ays to cool o!erheated emotions andma$e room -or reason/4

6'Friedman* Generation to Generation* p/ 'L1

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structure to the interloc$in, net%or$ o- trian,les/61 Sometimes the intense chaos o-

couple confict leads people to +elie!e that there are no patterns and no order to +e

-ound/ s Friedman noted* Murray Bo%en %as one researcher %ho %as a+le to ta$e

this step +ac$ and to disco!er that there %as indeed an order and predicta+ility to

human relationship/66 err and Bo%en commented that

hen a therapists theoretical understandin, is inadeKuate* he can +ecomeso o!er%helmed +y the mountain o- details collected in the e!aluation thatthe in-ormation ser!es little -unction/ nother %ay o- sayin, this is thattheory ena+les a therapist to distin,uish content and process in e!aluatin, aclinical -amily/ Content re-ers to all the !arious pieces o- in-ormation8 processre-ers to the %ay these pieces o- in-ormation are related/6?

In a recent marria,e sermon that I ,a!e at my son and dau,hter0in0la%s

%eddin,* I -elt led* in li,ht o- my recent Family Systems readin,* to spea$ -rom )

Corinthians )> a+out marria,e as order out o- chaos* a reenactin, o- Genesis )/

Decently and in order is not the order o- the cemetery %here nothin, mo!es* +ut

the order o- a healthy chaotic marria,e %here thin,s are al%ays potentially

morpho0,enesisin,/

6>=on =ichardson* Creating a Healthier Church: Family Systems Theory, Leadership, andCongregational life* u,s+ur, Fortess* )LL?* #/O) 2The %ord process re-ers to ho% %emana,e somethin,/4

61Michael # ichols* Family Therapy Concepts and (ethods* @ #earson Education* Inc/*'((OA* p/ )>?8 Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* #/)) 2The relationship statement %as adescription o- %hat happened* and the emotional system %as an e9planation -or %hathappened/48 err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )1 -t L* 2The term process re-ers to acontinuous series o- actions or chan,es that result in a ,i!en set o- circumstances orphenomena8 the term content re-ers to the circumstances or phenomena out o- the conte9t

o- those actions or chan,es/4

66Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* #/18 err and Bo%en* p/ 1* 2Most people are so easilyo!er%helmed +y the details o- -amily interactions that the assertion that orderly processesor patterns underlie those details may seem an impro+a+le one/ The de!elopment o- a-amily theory* ho%e!er* stemmed -rom the a+ility to discern such processes in the midst o-seemin,ly random and e!en chaotic appearin, -amily interactions/4

6?err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ 9i

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s a -ormer Freudian psychoanalyst* Bo%en +irthed most o- his Family

Systems Theory concepts in the midst o- his -rustration %ith the relati!e

ine3ecti!eness o- Freudian counselin,/ 6R Friedman comments a+out 2the

e9a,,erated importance o- +ein, in-ormed* and the colossal -ailure o- insi,ht to

+rin, chan,e///46O Sel-0a%areness and ne% in-ormation* %hile important* do not +y

themsel!es +rin, morpho,enesis in conficted couples/6L Bo%en %as also concerned

a+out the tendency o- Freudianism to +lame the parents/?( Family Systems Theory

in contrast see$s to +lame no one/?)

hen %or$in, on the sym+iotic relationship +et%een mother and

schiophrenic person* Bo%en -ound that it %as no lon,er necessary or producti!e to

speculate a+out the unconscious conficts and moti!ations o- the mother and

6Rerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ !iii #sychoanalytic theory* -or e9ample* %hich had+een de!eloped throu,h the study o- indi!idual patients* had only +een a+le to see the-amily as a collection o- relati!ely autonomous people/

6OFriedman* Failure of .ere* #/'6

6LMar,aret Carlson* Pro!lem/Soling Family Therapy &Faculty o- Social el-are* ni!ersity o-Cal,ary* Models o- Family #ractice* Chapter RA* #a,e )R 2The repressed material +rou,ht toconscious a%areness %as more o-ten than not in the order o- hatred* -ear* and hostility/ Theidea that catharsis* or the -ree e9pression o- emotion* encoura,es healthy -amily-unctionin,* too* is not so in practice/ It defects -rom a strate,ic plan o- action and disallo%schan,es in the -amily or,aniation %hich is a primary ,oal o- therapy/ The theory o-repression did not lead to -amily success* did not ,enerate hope* dealt %ith past rather thanpresent causes and encoura,ed refection rather than action/4

?(Murray Bo%en* The se o- Family Theory in Clinical #ractice @Comprehensie Psychiatry*ol/R* o/ 6* 5cto+er* )L??A* #/>1? 2 conceptual dilemma @in psychoanalysisA %hen themost important person in a patients li-e %as considered to +e the cause o- his illness* and

patho,enic to him///4

?)#addy Duc$lo%* Doctoral Thesis* p/)1 2Family systems theory is a non0+lamin, theory////Ito3ers a ,reat opportunity -or confict resolution rather than emotional cuto3s @e9pulsion ore9communication or missin, in actionA/48 Gil+ert* Extraordinary Leadership* p/)(R 4hydoes it ta$e so much time and e3ort to +e a systems thin$er////Most o- us automaticallythin$ cause and e3ect/ e loo$ -or someone to +lame/48 err and Bo%en* FamilyEaluation* p/ )L' 2%areness o- proce ss helps a person ,et +eyond +lamin, others or+lamin, some e9ternal -orce and* as a conseKuence* he +ecomes less an,ry/4

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patient/ ?'hat +ecomes important* said Bo%en* is not %hat is in people +ut %hat is

in0+et%een people/?> Bo%en concluded that many o- Freuds -ollo%ers %ere more

disciples than scientists/?1 He lon,ed -or a scienti7c +asis -or psycholo,ical theory/?6

Bo%en mo!ed the attention -rom %hat %as ,oin, on inside the heads o- each -amily

mem+er to instead dra%in, on other scienti7c models and analo,ies to o+ser!e the

relationship process itsel-/?? ichols commented that %hen %or$in, %ith conficted

couples*

///the therapist attempts to e9plore the process o- the couples relationship*as$in, +oth partners to thin$ a+out %hats ,oin, on +et%een them* increasetheir a%areness o- their o%n contri+utions* and consider %hat theyre

plannin, to do to ta$e responsi+ility to ma$e thin,s +etter/?R

?'err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ 6 2///sym+iotic relationship +et%een mother andschiophrenic person/// It %as not necessary to in!o$e a concept such as unconsciousmoti!ation to account -or it/4

?>Ed%in Friedman !ideo* Kuotin, Murray Bo%en

?1Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* )LR?" p/ >>L8 Daniel #apero* "o#en FamilySystems Theory* @ #earson Education Company* Massachusetts* )LL(A* p/ !ii Kuotin, err2 ///Bo%en ,radually came to +elie!e that many o- Freuds most infuential theoretical ideas%ere su+.ecti!e and that the amount o- su+.ecti!ity e3ecti!ely precluded Freudian theory-rom e!er +ecomin, an accepted science48 Daniel #apero* "o#en Family Systems Theory* #earson Education Company* Massachusetts* )LL( * p/ !ii Kuotin, err" 2Bo%en hasar,ued that Freud %as a%are o- the uncertain +ase o- many o- his theoretical ideas* +ut thatmany students o- Freud treated those ideas as i- they %ere -acts/4 Ed" Is this an emotionalreaction to Freudian dominance* sho%in, continued -usion to Freudianism

?6Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ 1)) 2I- %e can $eep reachin, out to%ard thesciences* perhaps %e %ill someday ma$e solid conceptual contact %ith the $no%n sciences*and then psychiatry %ill ha!e +ecome a science/8 Friedman* $eneration to $eneration,p/)>? 2 second ma.or characteristic o- Bo%ens theory that sets it apart -rom almost all othertheories is its tendency to conceptualie in terms o- uni!ersal continua rather than discretecate,ories///Bo%en theory constantly stri!es to ma$e continuous %hat other theoriesdichotomie///* at times* Bo%en theory %ill appear to +elon, less to therapy than to the

disciplines o- sociolo,y* etholo,y* or anthropolo,y/4

??Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ >1( 2///I +elie!e that research should +edirected at ma$in, theoretical contact %ith other 7elds* rather than applyin, the scienti7cmethod to su+.ecti!e human data/4

?RMichael # ichols* Family Therapy Concepts and (ethods@#earson Education* Inc/* '((OA*p/ )1) @Ed" the $ey Family Systems Theory concepts here are thin$in,* a%areness* andta$in, personal responsi+ility/A

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This relationship process thou,h it is usually not immediately !isi+le* once it

is o+ser!ed* it is hard to i,nore/?O Bo%en is one o- those rare indi!iduals %ith a

,enuinely ne% idea/?L In a rather -used* emotionally reacti!e +ut insi,ht-ul

accolade* Foley has compared Bo%en to Emmanuel ant/R( s many o- Bo%ens

students %ere e90Freudians* they literally had to untrain themsel!es///-rom

indi!idual concepts in order to see the -amily emotional system/R) Bo%en +ecame

to many an e90Freudian heretic* leadin, Friedman to comment that 2Bo%en theory

is o-ten so anathema to many therapists that it isnt e!en mentioned/4R'

Friedman analyes the %eddin, rite o- passa,e as essential to understandin,

martial couple confict/ He +elie!es that %eddin,s are li$e ice+er,s in %hich only

one ei,hth is !isi+le/ R>eddin,s ha!e a ma.or impact on the -amily homeostasis

and release ma.or ,enerational transmission in terms o- the emotional processes in

ones -amilies o- ori,in/R1 Merely li!in, to,ether* Friedman su,,ested* has less

-usion impact on a couple* sayin, 2it is as i- -usion does not de!elop as lon, as they

?Oerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation, p/ L* 2it is the relationship process that seems to +e so

dicult to o+ser!e/ #eople ha!e a stron, tendency to re,ard their o%n thou,hts and-eelin,s as occurrin, independently o- %hat is transpirin, +et%een them/ This tendencyappears to +e %hat ma$es it so dicult -or people to ,et suciently -ree o- their o%nruminations to +e a+le to o+ser!e a lar,er process/48 Friedman* Generation to Generation*p/)( 2The -amily system is* at one and the same time* un+elie!a+ly simple and comple9/4

?Lhttp"%%%/the+o%encenter/or,pa,esmurray+o%en/html @Murray Bo%enA 2has +eencredited as +ein, one o- those rare human +ein,s %ho had a ,enuinely ne% idea/ He had thecoura,e to ,o a,ainst the psychiatric and societal mainstream* to stand up -or %hat he+elie!ed a+out human +eha!ior/4 ccessed Sept 6th '())

R(Daniel #apero* "o#en Family Systems Theory@ #earson Education Company*Massachusetts* )LL(A* p/ ! Foley" 2Murray Bo%en is to the 7eld @o- -amily therapyA %hatImmanuel ant is to the history o- modern philosophy" the one person %ho is the startin,

point on the .ourney o- $no%led,e///4

R)Michael E err* Hand!oo) of family therapy@Gurman and nis$ern* editors* chapter R*Family Systems Theory and TherapyA* p/ ''(

R'Ed%in Friedman* The #astoral Care ssociation o- BC 1th nnual Con-erence* )LL) Body PSoul in Family #rocess ideo

R>Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* p/ )RL

)?
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still ha!e the option to terminate the relationship/ 2R6 The %eddin, releases ma.or

emotional -usion -orces in %hich the couple can lose their o%n sense o- sel- and

mer,e into an undi3erentiated e,o mass/ R?Friedman said that

the undi3erentiated -amily e,o mass is ///an con,lomerate emotionaloneness that e9ists in all le!els o- intensity V -rom the -amily in %hich it ismost intense to the -amily in %hich it is almost impercepti+le/ RR

)aA Coachin, and Couple Confict

Friedman and Bo%en descri+e the maturin, o- marria,es and -amilies as a

natural process that ta$es time/RO s Friedman indicated in his 7nal +oo$* say no to

the Kuic$ 79/RL In %estern culture* %e tend to %ant -ast results* includin, %ith

R1Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* p* )RL 2%areness o- the emotional processes inoperation durin, this rite o- passa,e @%eddin,sA can help e9plain many -amilyconficts////Marria,e has a ma.or impact on the homeostasis o- a -amily emotional system*and is in itsel- al%ays indicati!e o- chan,es occurrin, in that +alance/ %eddin, is li$e anice+er," only one0ei,hth o- the mo!in, mass %ill +e !isi+le* +ut the process and decisionusually ha!e the impetus and momentum o- ,enerations o- +uild0up/4

R6Friedman* Generation to Generation* p/ 'L6

R?Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ >6 2They -use* emotionally* t%o persons into one/ symptom o- that -usion is the a+ility o- one person to stimulate* or tri,,er* the other personemotionally/ I- one is happy* the other is happy/ I- one is sad* the other is sad/48 Bo%en*Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* )L?)* p/ L' In marria,e to a spouse %ith an eKually poordi3erentation o- sel-*///the ne% spouses -use to,ether into a ne% undi3erentiated -amilye,o mass in %hich e,o +oundaries +et%een them are o+literated/4

RRFriedman* Generation to Generation* p/ )R)

ROEd%in H/ Friedman* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* p/ )?' 2The secondnatural process +asic to %hat Bo%en has tau,ht a+out therapy is that the process o-

maturation ta$es time/ It cannot +e %illed or e!en speeded up +eyond its o%n time-rame///Since Bo%en theory does not eKuate chan,e %ith symptom relie- or -eelin, +etter*+ut %ith an increase in the di3erentation le!el o- the -amily* it has a lon,0ran,eperspecti!e/48 Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* #/R) 2It can ta$e years to alter theemotional processes o- a -amily/4

RLDuc$lo%* Doctoral Thesis* p/ )?>* 25!erly Kuic$ solutions are o-ten -ocused displacementso- peoples emotions/ The ans%er +ecomes the pro+lem %hen %e sol!e one pro+lem %ithanother pro+lem in mind/ The +etter Kuestion is %hat has ,one out o- +alance4

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couple confict/O( Family Systems Theory %arns a,ainst the Kuic$ 79* as the

solution that +ecomes the pro+lem/ hile there can +e Kuic$ symptom relie- o-

an9iety* this is not the same as lon,0term systemic chan,e in a conficted couple/O)

on,e!ity rather than -reKuency is the aim in terms o- the coachin, o- the conficted

couple* as lon,e!ity is lin$ed to impactin, -amily o- ori,in issues/O' The Bo%en

model pre-ers the term coachin,O>* shi-tin, -rom couch to coach/O1 s Bo%en put

it*

2Terms such as super!isor* teacher* and coach are pro+a+ly +est incon!eyin, the connotation o- an acti!e e9pert coachin, +oth indi!idualplayers and the team to the +est o- their a+ilities/O6

O(Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ ))R Kuotin, Murray Bo%en* )LR6" 2Theindi!iduality -orce emer,es slo%ly at 7rst* and it ta$es !ery little to,etherness -orce to dri!eit +ac$ under,round -or -airly lon, periods/4

O)Friedman* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* p/ )1L 2Much* i- not most* o- thechan,e that occurs in -amilies and other institutions does not last/ nd much o- %hat %ethou,ht %as chan,e o-ten recycles either in a di3erent -orm or in a di3erent location/// 28Ed%in Friedman ideo" 2%hat is -undamental chan,e in contrast to the temporary chan,esthat $eep recyclin,/4

O'Ed%in H/ Friedman* DD* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* p/ )?' 2Bo%en0trained therapists* there-ore* tend to +e less concerned a+out the -reKuency o- sessions thana+out the len,th o- time a -amily stays in the process s///on,e!ity in the therapeuticcontact promotes deeper in!ol!ement %ith multi,enerational processes/// coach can +ehelp-ul e!en %ith decreasin, -reKuent contact as lon, as one plays the ,ame/4

O>Daniel #apero* "o#en Family Systems Theory @ #earson Education Company*Massachusetts* )LL(A* p/ RR 2i$e the coach %ho %or$s %ith an athlete to impro!e +asics$ills and a+ility* the therapist coaches the person to%ard di3erentation o- sel-/ The coach-unctions more as a consultant and teacher than a therapist* at least in the con!entionalunderstandin, o- the term/48 Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/61(* 2The e3ort tohelp or to super!ise someone in this e3ort has +een called coachin, since it is so similar tothe relationship o- a coach to an athlete %hom is %or$in, to impro!e his athletic a+ility48#addy Duc$lo%* +octoral Pro0ect1Thesis Coaching Church Leaders in Con*ict: resolingstrategies using family systems theory @Trinity International ni!ersity* Deer7eld* Illinois*Decem+er '(('A* p/ )>O/ 2The tas$ o- the///coach is to participate %ith %hat God is already

doin,/ Thus listenin, is a primary strate,y -or the systems coach/4

O1Ed%in H/ Friedman* DD* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* p/ )61 2Bo%en %asshi-tin, the therapy settin,* as he put it in an early presentation* -rom couch to coach@Bo%en* )LROA/4

O6Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships,p/ )6L* Kuotin, Murray Bo%en* )LR68 Michael #ichols* Family Therapy Concepts and (ethods@#earson Education* Inc/* '((OA* p/ )6)2Coachin, is the Bo%enian alternati!e/4

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Coachin, conficted couples doesnt mean tellin, them %hat to do* +ut rather as$in,

Kuestions that help them understand their o%n emotional processes and ho% they

-unction %ithin them/O? Coachin, is a+out -ocusin, on the structure rather than the

symptomatic I#0/OR The term coachin, sym+olies that most o- the sel-0chan,e

happens out in the 7eld rather than in the counselin, oce/ OOThe coach is a

calmin, presence %ho reduces the tendency o- the conficted couple to emotionally

!ent and dump on each other/OL nother +ene7t o- coachin, is that it helps

conficted couples to not re,ress %hen there is push +ac$* +ut rather to stand 7rm

in their attempts to truly +rin, marital chan,e and sel-0de7nition/L(hile a

O?Michael # ichols* Family Therapy Concepts and (ethods,@#earson Education* Inc/* '((OA*p/ )6) 2Coachin, doesnt mean tellin, people %hat to do/ It means as$in, Kuestionsdesi,ned to help clients 7,ure out -amily emotional processes and their role in them/48 =on=ichardson* Creating a Healthier Church* p/)?( 2Durin, these times* simply achie!in,,reater clarity a+out %hat is ,oin, on* +ased on the -acts* %ill ha!e a ma.or impact/ hat issi,ni7cant a+out this are not so much the conclusions one arri!ed at +ut the process o-tryin, to understand/4

ORDuc$lo%)>L The coach locates the pro+lem in the structure o- the system rather than inthe nature o- the symptomatic mem+er or identi7ed pro+lem/

OOGil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ )?L 2#ro-essionals trained in Bo%en theory re-er tothe consultin, process as coachin, +ecause so little o- the use-ul %or$ o- sel-0chan,eactually occurs in the consultin, room/ It is done instead in the 7eld o- the -amily/48 Gil+ert*The Cornerstone Concept: in Leadership, in Life @eadin, Systems #ress* ir,inia* '((OA* p/R( 2But the %or$ is not done in the coachs oce/ =ather the actual %or$ o- chan,e isaccomplished on site* in the emotional 7eld o- the important -amily o- ori,in relationships/4

OL=o+erta M/ Gil+ert* The Eight Concepts of "o#en 2ourney: a ne# #ay of thin)ing a!out theindiidual and the group @ eadin, Systems #ress* '((1* '((?A*p/ '1 2Coachin, -rom thepoint o- !ie% o- Bo%en theory sees the de-eatin, nature o- the emotional process -amiliesare in!ol!ed in/ It also sees the uselessness o- continuin, !entin,/48 Gil+ert* TheCornerstone Concept* p/ >' 2Calmer emotions translate to more relia+le thin$in, and +etter

relationships/48 Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ 6O 2It is o-ten said* Belie!e yourposition enou,h to +e calm -or it/4

L(Gil+ert* http"%%%/hsystems/or,1/html The Ten #ercent Solution* 2///hen people ma$ee3orts to%ards more di3erentiation o- sel-* the system* or someone in it o-ten* i- not al%ays*reacts/ This is o-ten re-erred to as the 2chan,e +ac$4 phenomenon////t this point people can+ecome discoura,ed* especially i- they are not in coachin, %ith an e9perienced consultant/

They can conclude that Bo%en -amily systems theory really doesnt %or$ and ,i!e up on-urther e3orts to %or$ on sel-/4

)L
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conficted couple +y themsel!es can increase their a+ility to distin,uish +et%een

thin$in, and emotionally reactin,* a coach can ,reatly impro!e ones e3ort/ L) Hi,h

le!el cler,y %ith si,ni7cant coachin, trainin, are more li$ely to stay thou,ht-ully

calm %hen coachin, a conficted couple/L'Sadly -e% cler,y ha!e recei!ed this

coachin,/L> Gil+ert poi,nantly as$s re,ardin, coachin," 2Can hi,h le!el leadership

ma$e a di3erence in a time o- re,ression It may +e the only thin, that can/4L1

)+A Symptoms and Couple Confict

hen counselin, conficted couples* it is important to pay close attention to

symptoms* not so much to relie!e the symptom* +ut rather to use the symptom as

a path%ay into the emotional system/L6 Gil+ert tal$s a+out hersel-

symptomatically comin, do%n %ith three physical illnesses* includin, constant

L)Gil+ert* E9traordinary =elationships* p/ '6 2Impro!in, the a+ility to choose +et%eenthin$in, and reactin, emotionally is possi+le alone* +ut a coach or super!isor can ,reatlyenhance ones e3orts/48 err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ LO 2Increasin, ones a+ility todistin,uish +et%een thin$in, and -eelin, %ithin sel- and others and learnin, to use thata+ility to direct ones li-e and sol!e pro+lems is the central ,uidin, principle o- -amilypsychotherapy/48 Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ >66 2The core o- my theoryhas to do %ith the de,ree to %hich people are a+le to distin,uish +et%een the -eelin,process and the intellectual process/4

L'Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept: in Leadership, in Life@eadin, Systems #ress* ir,inia*'((O(* p/ )16 2Hi,h le!el cler,y* on the other hand* o-ten %ith trainin, and coachin, 7nd a%ay to $eep themsel!es relati!ely calm and thin$in, durin, the times %hen the ,roup isstirred up emotionally/ p/ )1? Can hi,h le!el leadership ma$e a di3erence in a time o-re,ression It may +e the only thin, that can/

L> Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept, p/ )16 2#eople* includin, cler,y persons* are ,i!en intheir trainin, little or nothin, on thin$in, systems or mana,in, themsel!es in an an9ious

en!ironment/4

L1Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ )1?

L6Friedman, $eneration to $eneration, p345 6Healin, occurs %hen the counsellor is lessan9ious to relie!e the symptom and instead uses it as a path%ay into the emotionalsystem/48 ichols* Family Therapy Concepts and (ethods* p/ )1? 2The symptomatice9pression o- a trian,le usually ta$es the -orm o- relationship confict @or cuto3A ordys-unction in one o- the indi!iduals* such as an9iety* depression* or physical illness/4

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mi,raine headaches a-ter a tra,ic -amily death/L? hat %ere her old pattern

symptoms tellin, her a+out im+alance in her -amily emotional system

The Freudian model tends to see symptoms as indications o- intrapsychic

diseases %ithin the patient/ The Bo%en model sees symptoms as indications o- a

%ider emotional system that transcends the mere indi!idual/LR The symptomatic

spouse in couple confict does not necessarily need to +e the -ocus o- therapy* as

the aim is to modi-y the %hole unit* ac$no%led,in, reciprocity +et%een -unctions/LO

Duc$lo% o+ser!es that symptoms li$e marital distress usually de!elop durin,

periods o- hei,htened or prolon,ed -amily or ,roup tension/LLSometimes %hen one

spouse success-ully sets +oundaries* the other spouse %ill reacti!ely de!elop

physical symptoms/)((

L?/ Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ )'6 2The intensity and depth o- my -eelin,s @a-tertra,ic death and +rother S and his t%o ,randchildren in a traincar accidentA resulted in mycomin, do%n %ith three physical illnesses o!er the ne9t year/ #hysical illness is an oldpattern %ith me/2 #/ )'R 2Se!eral %ee$s a-ter my -amily deaths* I %as ha!in, almostconstant mi,raine headaches/4

LRerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* )LOO* p/ >)L/ Jthe distinction +et%een !ie%in, asymptom as refectin, a disease con7ned %ithin the +oundaries o- a patient and !ie%in, asymptom as refectin, an emotional process that transcends the +oundaries o- a patientand encompasses the -amily relationship system is the ma.or distinction +et%eencon!entional medical or psychiatric dia,nosis and -amily dia,nosisJ

LO#apero* "o#en Family Systems Theory* p/!iii* err* I- this conceptualiation o- the -amilyas an emotionally ,o!erned system or unit @emotion is synonymous %ith instinct* not-eelin,A is accurate then* therapy directed at any -amily mem+er* not .ust the symptomaticmem+er* can modi-y the %hole unit///It is not necessary to ha!e the symptomatic -amily

mem+er in therapy -or the symptoms to +e relie!ed/ It is therapy +ased on a %ay o-thin$in, that conceptualies reciprocity in -unctionin, +et%een -amily mem+ers/4

LL#addy Duc$lo%* #/ >?

)((Murray Bo%en* The se o- Family Theory in Clinical #ractice* Comprehensie Psychiatry,ol/R* o/ 6* 5cto+er* )L??* #/>R) 2They mi,ht ,et depressed and con-used and de!elop a%hole spectrum o- physical symptoms/ This is the reaction o- ones psyche and soma as itcries out -or the old dependence and to,etherness/4

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err and Bo%en reco,nie that the relationship +et%een chronic an9iety and

the resultin, symptoms may !ary si,ni7cantly)()* sayin, that

The type o- symptom that de!elops @physical* emotional or socialA is

connected +oth to the particular %ay an indi!idual mana,es an9iety and to%hat others in the system -ocus on in that indi!idual %hen they ,et an9ious/)('

Friedman su,,ests that marria,es should not +e measured +y lon,e!ity or

happiness +ut rather +y +ein, symptom0-ree in three locations" )A in the marital

relationship @as confict* distance or di!orceA 'A in the health o- one o- the partners

@physical or mentalA* or >A in one o- the children @thou,h this last could also +e

placed in the space +et%een the parent and the childA/)(>

err and Bo%en see symptoms li$e o!erunder eatin,* o!erunder achie!in,*

e9cessi!e alcoholdru, use* and a3airs as indicators o- ha!in, ,i!en up too much

sel-* o-ten a+sor+in, an9iety %ithin the relationship system/)(1 Ironically* says err

and Bo%en* conficted couples sometimes ha!e -e%er symptoms* +ecause their

confict 2can pro!ide a !ery stron, sense o- emotional contact4 %ith the other

spouse"

)()Friedman )LL)* p/ )1( JIn all e!ents* chronic an9iety is understood to +e the primarypromoter o- all symptoms -rom schiophrenia to cancer -rom anore9ia to +irth de-ects/4

)('err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )R'

)(>

Friedman* $eneration to $eneration* p/ )>R 2Instead o- di!idin, marria,es into t%o +asiccate,ories* those that last and those that do not* or those that are happy and those that arenot* the ne% criterion +ased on the a+o!e model is that marria,es are success-ul to thee9tent that the nuclear -amily is symptom0-ree in all three locations @%ith the understandin,that no marria,e achie!es a ,rade +etter than R( percent/A///4

)(1err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation" p/ OR4 ///#eople %ho de!elop a physical illness-reKuently are a+sor+in, an9iety +ased on their -unctionin, position in a relationship system/

They sometimes descri+e this position as no e9it/4

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Mutual pro.ections that are success-ully parried ,i!e people a sense o- ha!in,themsel!es as indi!iduals under control8 it is the relationship that is thepro+lem/ So spouses in a confictual marria,e are less !ulnera+le to physical*emotional* or social symptoms/ In addition* children o- confictual marria,esare less !ulnera+le to symptoms/)(6

err and Bo%en say that chronic symptoms are sometimes a di!ersion -rom

the most challen,in, relationship pro+lems o- the conficted couple andor -amily/)(?

Many conficted couples +lame all their pro+lems on a lac$ o- communication/

Gil+ert su,,ests that communication is less a pro+lem than a symptom/ The

pro+lem is the relationship position or posture itsel-/)(R#redominant relationship

patterns shape ho% one symptomatically e9presses ones an9iety/ Couple confict is

+ased on one spouse e9ternaliin, their an9iety onto the other spouse8 in contrast i-

the predominant pattern -osters dys-unction* then hi,h an9iety is characteried +y

symptoms in the spouse or child/)(O

ho is most !ulnera+le to de!elopin, symptoms err and Bo%en su,,est

that the compliant or adapti!e spouse pic$s up the an9iety pro.ected -rom the

dominant spouse* +ecomin, more an9iously at ris$ -or a symptom/)(L The dominant

)(6err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation, p/ )L'8 Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/1R? 2Confict a+sor+s lar,e Kuantities o- the undi3erentiation///%hich protects other areas-rom symptoms/4

)(?err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* #/ OR 2In some %ays it is easier to li!e %ith thepresence o- a chronic symptom than it is to con-ront the more +asic relationship pro+lemsthat e9ist +et%een -amily mem+ers/4

)(RGil+ert* Extraordinary Leadership* p/O1* p/ )(1 2The complaint heard most -reKuently-rom couples see$in, pro-essional help is e ha!e a communication pro+lemW4

)(Oerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )?>4 I- the predominant pattern is parentse9ternaliin, their an9ieties into their marital relationship* periods o- hi,h an9iety arecharacteried +y marital confict/ I- the predominant pattern -osters dys-unction in a spouseor in a child* periods o- hi,h an9iety are characteried +y symptoms de!elopin, in a spouseor in a child/4

)(Lerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )O'* 2///the one prone to de!elop symptoms is thespouse %ho adapts most to maintain harmony in the relationship system////The dominant

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spouse en,a,es in %ill confict* tryin, to %ill another to adapt to them* resultin, in a

loss o- sel- and an increase o- symptoms li$e anore9ia* suicide* schiophrenia*

a+use* !iolence* and many chronic physical diseases/ ))(

Focusin, on the symptoms o- the couple confict tends to o+scure the

stren,ths o- the couple/))) By -ocusin, on %hat is ri,ht %ith the couple rather than

on their patholo,ical symptoms* one decreases the an9ious reacti!ity o- the

conficted couple/))' Symptoms remind us that the human po%er -or preser!ation*

healin, and chan,e are already resident in the @marital coupleA/))>The resources

are already there in the emotional system o- the conficted couple/ They .ust need

to +e disco!ered and tapped into/ Gil+ert holds that %e can step out o- the an9ious

%orry loop %hen ma.or re,ressi!e symptoms are addin, to the an9iety o- the

couples emotional system/))1

one pro.ects or sprays his or her an9iety and* in the process* usually -eels calmer8 theadapti!e one pic$s up or pro.ects the an9iety and* in the process* +ecomes more an9iousand more at ris$ -or a symptom/4

))(Friedman* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* #/)?'* 2It does not ta$e much,reat deal to see that the most intense -orms o- -amily at symptomolo,y @anore9ia* suicide*schiophrenia* a+use* !iolence* and many chromic physical diseases* not to mention a %holecatalo,ue o- marital and parent0child issuesA tend to occur in -amilies characteried +ye9treme %ill confict* +y %hich I mean that mem+ers o- the -amily are constantly tryin, to%ill one another to adapt to their o%n sel-0di3erentiation/ illin, others to chan,e is* +yde7nition* loss o- sel- in the relationship/48 Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ 1( 2Intime* ho%e!er* +orro%in, and lendin, o- sel!es +ecomes a source o- stress/4

)))Friedman* Failure of .ere* p/ ' 2The emphasis here %ill +e on stren,th* not patholo,y8 onchallen,e* not com-ort8 on sel-0di3erentiation* not herdin, -or to,etherness/4

))'Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ )) But %hene!er a -ocus on symptoms o+scuresthe stren,ths o- people* there may +e room -or another approach/ /// research -ocus on theunderstandin, o- human stren,ths instead o- on patholo,y is rare/4 Gil+ert* Extraordinary

Relationships* p/ )?( 2Ideally a pro-essional can relate to and encoura,e a persons a+ility*-ocusin, on %hat is ri,ht %ith people" their stren,ths and those o- their -amilies/4

))>Duc$lo% Kuotin, Cos,ro!e and Hat7eld )LL1* )'1 2System theorists presumed that thehuman po%er -or preser!ation* healin, and chan,e are already resident in thecon,re,ationJ

))1Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ ?) 2It can +e most easily seen %hen a -amily is in are,ression/ In other %ords* someone in the -amily is sho%in, a ma.or symptom* and it is

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)cA Emotional =eacti!ity and Couple Confict

5ne o- the most important processes to o+ser!e in the emotional system o-

the conficted couple is emotional reacti!ity/))6 =eacti!ity is the opposite o-

thou,ht-ul responsi!eness %here one retains the po%er o- choice/))? Emotional

reacti!ity in conficted couples is associated %ith ri,id infe9i+ility and demandin,

the other person to chan,e/))R Friedman notes that

hen clients 7rst come in* they are %ay o!er to the ri,ht* meanin, that they

are hi,hly an9ious* constantly reacti!e %ith little sel-0re,ulation o- theirdirection in li-e/))O

ichols holds that the sin,le ,reatest impediment to understandin, one

another is our tendency to +ecome emotionally reacti!e/))Lhen a conficted

dra%in, -ocus and addin, to the an9iety +urden o- the -amily///In order -or this situation tocome to an end* someone has to step out o- the an9ious %orry loop/4

))6#apero* p/6> 2In the moderately to hi,hly an9ious !ariants o- marital confict* partnersha!e hi,h emotional reacti!ity to one another/48 err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )'R2 success-ul e3ort to impro!e ones le!el o- di3erentation and reduce an9iety stron,lydepends on a persons de!elopin, more a%areness o- and control o!er his emotionalreacti!ity/4

))?Duc$lo%* #/ '>1 2=eacti!ity is the tendency -or the person to respond to percei!ed threatsor the an9iety o- others/ =esponsi!eness is the learned s$ill to choose a response to a threator the an9iety o- others/4

))Rerr and Bo%en* p/ )OO 2The -orce +ehind do,matic con!ictions a+out %ho needs tochan,e//// the more emotionally reacti!e people are and the more 79ed their thin$in, a+out%ho needs to chan,e* the less fe9i+le the -amily/48 err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ O>

2hat is compromised in a confictual relationship is the a+ility to ,i!e in %hen it isconstructi!e -or all concerned/4

))OEd%in H/ Friedman* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* p/ )?>8 2The most+latant characteristic o- chronically an9ious -amilies is the !icious cycle o- intense reacti!ityo- each mem+er to e!ents and to one another4

))LMichael # ichols* Family Therapy Concepts and (ethods@#earson Education* Inc/* '((OA*p/ )1R

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couple is emotionally -used* they %ill +e controlled +y their emotional reacti!ity to

each other* as %ell as +y their ur,e -or to,etherness/)'(Sometimes a spouse* %ho is

not -eelin, listened to* %ill an9iously chase their spouse until they ,et a reaction/)')

err and Bo%en hold that the 2ru,,ed indi!idualists determination to +e

independent stems more -rom his reaction to other people than -rom a thou,ht-ully

determined direction -or sel-/)'' =u,,ed indi!idualism and compliance are o-ten t%o

sides o- the same emotional reacti!ity/ Gil+ert ,i!es a help-ul %ord picture -or

emotional reacti!ity* sayin, that

It is almost as i-* in relationship systems* electrical connections lin$ the

indi!iduals o- the system* transportin, emotions and -eelin,s -rom oneindi!idual to another continuously/ Emotional reacti!ity passes li$e a hotpotato +et%een indi!iduals/)'>

%areness o- the impact o- our reacti!ity on our spouse is an important step

to%ards +rea$throu,h/ e can easily slip into de-ensi!eness or as Christians into

hyper0spiritual lan,ua,e* not ac$no%led,in, our o%n contri+ution to the couple

confict/ &esus teachin, a+out 7rst remo!in, the lo, -rom our o%n eyes is !ery

applica+le to reacti!ity in couple confict/)'1 err and Bo%en hold that

)'(Duc$lo%* p/ >L 2#eople %ho are -used are dominated +y their emotional reacti!ity and theur,e -or to,etherness/48 Murray Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice @ronson* e%

Qor$* )LROA* p/ >R)2The ,oal is to rise up out o- the emotional to,etherness that +inds usall/4

)')err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )OO 2ea!in, him alone has not %or$ed/ She o-ten-eels that her point o- !ie% is neither listened to nor understood///I- he seems not to react*she -eels %orse and prods until he does react/4

)''err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ ?1* -t/ >

)'>Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ 1(8 Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ '?Kuotin, Murray Bo%en* )LR>" 2Emotional reacti!eness in a -amily* or other ,roup that li!esor %or$s to,ether* ,oes -rom one -amily mem+er to another in a chain reaction/48

)'1Matthe% R">06* The I Study Bi+le* Xonder!an Corporation* Grand =apids* Michi,an*)LO6

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There are t%o particularly important elements that infuence the success o-therapy -or confictual marria,es" @)A peoples a+ility to reco,nie the e3ecto- an9iety and emotional reacti!ity on their o%n and on their spouses+eha!iour* and @'A peoples a+ility to see that many o- the thin,s they use to

.usti-y the re.ection and condemnation o- the spouse are thin,s theythemsel!es help create/)'6

In Bo%en theory* the client is coached to ,ain control o!er his or her

emotional reacti!ity/)'? The hi,her the marital confict* the hi,her the emotional

reacti!ity is to each other/ )'R Emotionally reacti!e couples tend to -ocus on

o+stinate* uncarin,* unreasona+le Kualities o- the other* paintin, their o%n sel- as

the !ictim/)'O

err notes that

Confictual marria,es are e9tremely intense relationships in %hich much o-each spouses emotional reacti!eness is -ocused on the other spouse/ Bothpartners are usually up to it in that neither +uc$les under intense pressureand attac$/ Each is e9Kuisitely sensiti!e in ,i!in, in to the other* lest he she+e the loser/ /// hen they are apart* each is preoccupied %ith the un-airtreatment heshe has recei!ed* each -eelin, hisher point o- !ie% has not+een heard/)'L

)'6err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )L(

)'?&ames Framo* 2Family o- ori,in as a therapeutic resource -or adults and marital and-amily therapy" you can and should ,o home a,ain4* Family Process,)6")L>0')(* )LR?/ p/>1( 2 client is coached @+y Bo%enA to ,ain control o!er his emotional reacti!ity to his -amilyand to +ecome a more o+.ecti!e o+ser!er o- the sel- and his -amily/4

)'R#apero* "o#en Family Systems Theory* p/6> 2In the moderately to hi,hly an9ious !ariantso- marital confict* partners ha!e hi,h emotional reacti!ity to one another/4

)'O

#apero* "o#en Family Systems Theory* p/ 6>8 =onald / =ichardson* 2Di3erentation o-Sel-4 as a Therapeutic Goal -or the Systemic #astoral Counselor*2ournal of PastoralPsychotherapy,ol/ )@)A* Fall )LOR* The Ha%orth #ress* Inc/* p/ >? 2The emotional reacti!ityo- -usion means that %e are supersensiti!e to si,ni7cant others response to us/ e arethrilled %hen they lo!e and praise us* and hurt* and destroyed* and de-ensi!e or a,,ressi!e%hen they criticie us/4

)'LMichael E err* Hand!oo) of family therapy@Gurman and nis$ern* editors* chapter R*Family Systems Theory and TherapyA* #/'1>

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The +etter conficted couples +ecome at o+ser!in, and learnin, a+out

reacti!ity and their emotional system* the ,reater reduction o- reacti!ity/)>(

ConseKuentially this reduction o- reacti!ity* says Bo%en* allo%s us to +ecome +etter

o+ser!ers o- the emotional process/)>)Married couples +ecome +etter couples the

more that they nonreacti!ely understand ho% they came to +e the %ay they are/)>'

#art o- coachin, a conficted couple is teachin, them at the ri,ht moments a+out

-amily emotional systems/ hen their le!el o- reacti!ity is too hi,h* they %ill +e

more resisti!e to this ne% %ay o- thin$in,/)>>ichols reminds us that chan,in,

emotional reacti!ity in a conficted couple is a lon, process/)>1 err and Bo%en

commented that

hen people can listen %ithout reactin, emotionally* communication is %ideopen and di3erences are an asset to a marria,e* not a lia+ility/ o+ody is ane9pert on e!erythin,/)>6

)>(err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/)OL 2The %i-e reacts %hen she -eels unlo!ed*i,nored* and ta$en -or ,ranted/ The hus+and reacts %hen he -eels unlo!ed* pressured tochan,e* and unappreciated/4

)>)Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* #/61) 2The e3ort to +ecome a +etter o+ser!erand to learn more a+out the -amily reduces the emotional reacti!ity* and this in turn helpsone +ecome a +etter o+ser!er/4

)>'Gil+ert* Eight concepts* p/ LL 2The more one understands a+out ho% %e all came to +ethe %ay %e are* the less reacti!e one +ecomes to any particular trait/4

)>>#apero* "o#en Family Systems Theory,p/ R6 2Teachin, a+out emotional systems is anatural part o- assistin, people to thin$ a+out their situation and to control their reacti!ity/

Timin, plays an important role in the teachin, e3ort/ I- teachin, is attempted %hen an9ietyis hi,h* there are considera+le disad!anta,es/ n9ious people ha!e a hard time listenin,-ully to %hat is +ein, said/ Concepts are partially heard and ,reatly misunderstood/4

)>1Michael # ichols* Family Therapy Concepts and (ethods@#earson Education* Inc/* '((OA*#/'?) 2Chan,in, emotional reacti!eness and operatin, as a little more o- a sel- inrelationship to people you li!e %ith is a lon,* !ery ,radual process/4

)>6err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )OO

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Bo%en sees immunolo,y as a scienti7c analo,y to understand ho% reacti!ity can

a3ect a conficted couple/)>? Emotional reacti!ity is an auto0immune dys-unction/

s Friedman puts it*

Bo%en therapy is a+out the immunolo,ical response/ It is a -ocus on stren,thrather than %ea$ness* on the e!olution o- the sel- that is necessary -or itse9pression and on the sel-0re,ulation that $eeps the opposite e9treme auto0immunity @reacti!ityA in chec$/)>R

Friedman sees the leader @i/e/ pastorpastoral counselorA 2as its immunolo,ical

system ///%ell0de7ned @meanin,* primarily* clear and nonreacti!e/A4)>O By +ein,

nonreacti!e* %e set the thermostat/)>L hen %or$in, %ith conficted couples*

pastorspastoral counselors are

trans-ormers in an electric system* Jdialin, do%nJ our -ears and Jdialin, upJour con7dence in God/ eaders %ho accept their responsi+ility as systemtrans-ormers carry the JloadJ o- reducin, reacti!ity %ithin the char,edsystem/)1(

By +ein, nonreacti!e %ith conficted couples* the pastorpastoral counselor

-unctions as a catalyst or enyme -or chan,e and morpho,enesis/)1) Heshe also

)>?err and Bo%en* p/ RO/ -t/ )? 2T%o or,anisms* -or e9ample* can +e so reacti!e to thepresence o- each other that* i- they cannot success-ully a!oid each other* one %ill li$ely $illthe other/4

)>REd%in H/ Friedman* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* #/ )?(

)>OEd%in H/ Friedman* DD* "o#en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* #/)?(

)>LDuc$lo%* Conficted ChurchConficted eader Course* Carey Theolo,ical Colle,e

)1(Gil+ert* E9traordinary eadership* #/ )?R

)1)Catalysts are not consumed +y the process they ena+le/ See p/ ?) on morpho,e nesis

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incarnationally models the process o- nonreacti!ity in a %ay that can ,i!e a

template to the conficted couple/ s Bo%en put it*

hen any $ey mem+er o- an emotional system can control his o%n emotional

reacti!eness and accurately o+ser!e the -unctionin, o- the system and hispart in it* and he can a!oid counterattac$in, %hen he is pro!o$ed* and %henhe can maintain an acti!e relationship %ith the other $ey mem+ers %ithout%ithdra%in, or +ecomin, silent* the entire system %ill chan,e in a series o-predicta+le steps/)1'

hat holds us +ac$ as pastors -rom +ein, nonreacti!e in our ministry to

conficted couples)1>#erhaps it is the !icious cycle o- our personal emotional

reacti!ity %hich limits our a+ility to thin$ clearly* %hich then limits our a+ility to +e

nonreacti!e %ith conficted couples/)11 In order to +est help conficted couples* %e

need to +ecome more a%are o- our o%n personal reacti!ity/)16

Friedman said that conficted couples and others %ill sa+ota,e our

nonreacti!ity to see i- %e really lo!e thememotionally -use %ith their pseudo0

sel!es/)1? Some %ill e!en react to any su,,estion o- nonreacti!ity* claimin, that

)1'Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical #ractice* p/ 1>?

)1>Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationship* p/ )(? 2a second characteristic o- optimalcommunication +ecomes clear" It is nonreacti!e/4

)11Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ 1>1* Family Systems Theory P #astoralTheolo,y" a%rence Matthe%s 2I ha!e come to the conclusion that reacti!ity plays a ma.orpart in the un%illin,ness* or perhaps ina+ility* o- pastors to thin$ theolo,ically/ hen an9ietyand reacti!ity are hi,h* re,ardless o- the cause* clarity o- thin$in, is lo%er/ Theolo,icalrefection reKuires the a+ility to thin$ clearly/4

)16Michael E err* Hand!oo) of family therapy@Gurman and nis$ern* editors* chapter R*Family Systems Theory and TherapyA* p/ '?( 2From e9perience* the people %ho do least %ellin the trainin, are the ones %ho ha!e the hardest time seein, their o%n pro+lems* their o%nemotional reacti!eness///4

)1?Ed%in Friedman ideo* The #astoral Care ssociation o- BC 1th nnual Con-erence* )LL)Body P Soul in Family #rocess HS" 2Many people create an9iety in others to see i- you lo!ethem/ I- you are nonreacti!e* they %ill dou+t that you lo!e them/4

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their -eelin,s are +ein, disre,arded and in!alidated/)1R I- ho%e!er %e stay on trac$*

the reacti!ity and sa+ota,e %ill die do%n/)1O Time is on our side %hen %e do not

emotionally -use %ith the conficted couple/ 5ne o- our +est %ays to stay

nonreacti!e %ith conficted couples is to ,ood0naturedly say no to the ur,ent*

important and serious/)1L

)dA n9iety and Couple Confict

second emotional process to o+ser!e in the emotional -amily system is

an9iety/)6( n9iety* said Bo%en* is the crucial issue/)6) Friedman teaches that there

is a chronic an9iety in all o- li-e that comes %ith the territory o- li!in,/)6' #apero

)1Rerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )L) /// i- a therapist emphasies the importance o--ocusin, on onesel- rather than on the other* and the importance o- tonin, do%n emotionalreacti!ity* the spouse %ho -eels most pressured +y the other spouse is more li$ely toapplaud this point o- !ie% than the spouse %ho -eels more isolated and i,nored///She -eelsher spouse is un-eelin, and sel7sh and hears the therapist as su,,estin, this is all ri,ht/4

)1OGil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ )16 2Bo%en theory -urther predicts that i- the leaderstays on trac$* not reactin, +ac$* not retreatin,* and stayin, in contact %ith importantothers* the reacti!ity %ill die do%n in time/4

)1LFriedman* Failure o- er!e* )L6L* p/ 16? 2The emotional tone %as commonly ,rim* ur,entand serious and could +e imperiously demandin,* plainti!e* or simple insistent/ This -eelin,%as in-ectious///4

)6(Ed%in Friedman !ideo" 2///the real issue is our an9iety and our -ailure to ,ro% oursel!es/48&ones* #/1)8 Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ >?) 2The Bo%en theory has t%omain !aria+les/ 5ne is the de,ree o- an9iety* and the other is the de,ree o- inte,ration o-sel-/4

)6)Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ ?> 2I +elie!e an9iety is the crucial issue/

The research -amilies all ha!e a lo% tolerance -or an9iety/ 5- course* this peace at anyprice policy immediately causes ,reater an9iety -or tomorro%///48 Friedman* Failure of.ere* p/'LL 2In one sense* this entire story is a+out the mana,ement o- an9iety///thiso!erlaps %ith mana,ement o- onesel-/4

)6'Ed%in H/ Friedman* Bo%en Theory and Therapy* )LL)* Chapter 6* p/ )>L 2///a premisethat su+sumes the entire theory* that there is a chronic an9iety in all o- li-e that comes %iththe territory o- li!in,/48 #addy Duc$lo%* p/ 6'* 2Emotional systems are* +y their !ery nature*an9ious/4

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uses a sno% analo,y @7ttin, -or Canadian %intersA to help us understand the an9iety

process"

@itA is a$in to the situation o- the auto dri!er %ho* mired in the sno%* applies

increasin, po%er to the dri!e %heels* !irtually eliminatin, the a+ility o- thetires to ,rip the sur-ace and pro!ide traction/ In the case o- a -amily* thedri!in, -orce is an9iety/ The hi,her the an9iety in each person and in theunit* the ,reater the tendency @there isA to spin the %heels/)6>

e need to ,et o!er our pho+ias o!er an9iety/ Bo%en reminds us that

n9iety does not harm people/ It only ma$es them -eel uncom-orta+le/ It cancause you to sha$e* or lose sleep* or +ecome con-used* or de!elop physicalsymptoms* +ut it %ill not $ill you and it %ill su+side/ #eople can e!en ,ro%and +ecome more mature +y ha!in, to -ace and deal %ith an9iety

situations/

)61

Gil+ert descri+es an9iety as a po%er-ul teacher* remindin, me o- =omans

O"'Os insi,ht that all thin,s %or$ -or the ,ood -or those %ho lo!e the ord* e!en

an9iety/ )66Duc$lo% said that chronic an9iety is sometimes called emotional pain/)6?

5- all the relationship patterns* says Gil+ert* people cau,ht in confict are most apt

to see$ help +ecause o- their a%areness o- pain/)6R Gro%th* said Friedman* comes

-rom increasin, the pain threshold* not reducin, the pain/)6OThat is %hy Friedman

memora+ly commented" 2I am on the side o- pain/4)6LEmotionally0-used soothin,

)6>#apero* p/OO

)61Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/ O6

)66Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* #/1(

)6? Duc$lo%* Doctoral Thesis* p/6)

)6RGil+ert* E9traordinary =elationships* #/16

)6OEd%in Friedman !ideo

)6LEd%in Friedman !ideo

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does not help the conficted couple/)?(either does dumpin, our an9ious and an,ry

-eelin,s onto the other person/)?)

n9iety is the most conta,ious o- all emotions* -ollo%ed +y depression/)?'

err and Bo%en hold that an9iety ru+s o3 on people8 it is transmitted and

a+sor+ed %ithout thin$in,/)?> conficted couple doesnt ha!e to choose someone

elses an9iety* any more than one choose someone else fu or cold/ ll that has to

happen is -or the other spouse or another person an9iously sneee on the partner*

%hile their emotional immune system is lo%/ Gil+ert compares this to the response

o- a herd under threat* causin, them to foc$ or herd to,ether/)?1 err notes that

n9iety that +e,ins in one person can e!entually in-ect the %hole -amily///san9iety su+sides* each person reco!ers some a+ility to act on thin$in,* theemotional +oundaries +et%een -amily mem+ers ,radually return to +aselinele!el* and symptoms diminish or disappear/ )?6

)?(

err* Hand!oo) of family therapy@Gurman and nis$ern* editors* chapter R* FamilySystems Theory and TherapyA* p/ '>R 2#ractically thin$in,* the more an9ious or emotionallyintense a person ,ets* the ,reater the tendency -or the -usion o- the t%o systems/4

)?)Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* #/1R 2sually people are told that i- only they %ill ,ettheir -eelin,s out* the confict %ill disappear/ nhappily* many %ho ta$e this ad!ice 7nd thatthe more they try to ,et their -eelin,s out* the %orse the confict +ecomes/4

)?'Bo%en* Family Therapy in Clinical Practice* p/>?' 2There is also the phenomena o- thein-ectiousness o- an9iety in %hich an9iety can spread rapidly throu,h the -amily* or throu,hsociety/48 err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )R? 2///n9ious reactions to the presence o-the pro+lem can +e more o- a pro+lem than the pro+lem itsel-/4

)?>err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ ))?

)?1Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/)> 2In animals* there is a tendency -or an9iety toripple instantly throu,h a herd %hen there is dan,er/ The herd -unctions as an emotionalunit/ The an9iety mo!es -rom one indi!idual to the ne9t* causin, all the indi!iduals to pushcloser to,ether/4

)?62Chronic n9iety and De7nin, a Sel-4* +y Michael E err* in The %tlantic (onthly* Sept)LOO* #a,e )6)8 err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )'6 2n9iety con!erts -earedpro+lems into real pro+lems//4

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n9iety can seriously reduce our a+ility to thin$/)?? It can also reduce the

a+ility o- conficted couples to see the +i, picture* the emotional system/ s an9iety

increases* conficted couples tend to -ocus on linear cause and e3ect +lamin, o-

each other/)?R Gil+ert comments that 2o,ic is una!aila+le/ It is as i- the cere+ral

corte9 @the thin$in, part o- the +rainA is fooded %ith an9iety/4)?O This creates

,roupthin$* %hich is an an9ious -used imitation o- actual thin$in,/ Groupthin$

simulates thin$in,* usin, the appearance o- reason to %hite%ash o!er emotional

reacti!ity/)?L n9iety also can shut do%n our curiosity and %illin,ness to learn/)R(

#arado9ically* learnin, reduces an9iety/ s err and Bo%en stated*

The process +y %hich an indi!idual can reduce his le!el o- chronic an9ietydepends primarily on learnin,/ The learnin, depends on ha!in, the coura,eto en,a,e emotionally intense situations repeatedly and to tolerate thean9iety and internal emotional reacti!ity associated %ith that en,a,ement/)R)

)??Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ L) 2ith less an9iety to carry around* the thin$in,+rain -unctions +etter/48 Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* #/>? 2hen an9iety decreasessuciently* people can +e,in to thin$ a+out their pro+lems/ n9iety impairs the a+ility tothin$///48 Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/ 'O 2///stron, emotion seems to o!erridelo,ical thou,ht8 processin, in-ormation is lo,ically dicult i- not impossi+le durin, times o-hei,htened emotion/4

)?RGil+ert* Eight concepts* p/))' 2nder the e3ects o- hei,htened an9iety* people tend tonot see the +i, picture or to thin$ systems/ @=ather they tend to thin$ cause and e3ect*layin, +lame/A48 Gil+ert* The Eight Concepts* p/ )6 2Confict" The -a!orite and o!erused %ordis you/ #ro.ection o- +lame is the order o- the day/48 Bo%en* Family Therapy in ClinicalPractice* p/ '?> 2It is common -or youn, people to ,et into marria,e +lamin, their parents-or past unhappiness* and e9pectin, to 7nd per-ect harmony in the marria,e/4

)?OGil+ert* Eight Concepts* p/ ')8 &C ynn* The Family Therapist@Flemin, H =e!ell Company*5ld Tappan* e% &ersey* )LORA* p/ )6( 2 -amily su+.ected to sustained an9iety %ill losecontact %ith their intellectually -ocused a+ilities and come to rely more on emotionallydetermined decisions/ 28 Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ >) 2n-ortunately the +rain

does not -unction %ell in the presence o- emotional intensity/4

)?Lerr and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ 'O 2hile humans are Kuic$ to pro!ide reasons-or their actions and inactions* much o- %hat they do is done +y other -orms o- li-eunencum+ered +y such reasons/4

)R(Gil+ert* The Cornerstone Concept* p/ L' 2ll the %orld is a la+* %aitin, to +e disco!eredand understood/ -ter all* it is an9iety or concern o!er %hat people %ill thin$* that $eeps us-rom an interest in others or the %orld around us/4

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#apero notes that %ith reduced an9iety* -amily mem+ers +ecome more o+.ecti!e

and calmer/)R'Gil+ert recommends ,oin, to the ,ym as a %ay o- reducin, an9iety*

somethin, I can attest to that I ha!e +een doin, re,ularly -or the past t%el!e

years/)R> hen an9iety is less* says Gil+ert* many o- li-es pro+lems simply dont

happen/)R1

Gil+ert su,,ests that %e need to +e care-ul o+ser!ers o- the patterns o-

an9iety* loo$in, -or potential tri,,ers/)R6 By addressin, the tri,,ers* there %ill +e a

si,ni7cant reduction in an9iety/)R?=on =ichardson teaches that

)R)err and Bo%en* Family Ealuation* p/ )>(8 err and Bo%en* #/ )>) 2///n intellectualdecision to en,a,e people and situations one pre-ers to a!oid and a decision to tolerate thean9iety associated %ith not doin, thin,s one normally does to reduce an9iety in onesel- inthose situations can* i- done repeatedly o!er a lon, period o- time* lead to a reduction inones le!el o- chronic an9iety/ This is an9iety reduction +ased on learnin, rather than onemotional or physical distance/4

)R'#apero*"o#en Family Systems Theory,p/ ?O8 Ed%in Friedman !ideo* 2=educin, an9iety inthe system %ill allo% the healin, to occur/48 Gil+ert* Extraordinary Relationships* p/))O 2I-one +ases a

couple conflict and family systems

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