Download - Blame game
Stop the Blame Game!
Stop the Blame Game!
and save your organization, yourself, and those you work with stress, aggravation, and conflict
and save your organization, yourself, and those you work with stress, aggravation, and conflict
Kalli Matsuhashi, MA, LPExecutive Confidante
www.ExecConf.com | [email protected]
Kalli Matsuhashi, MA, LPExecutive Confidante
www.ExecConf.com | [email protected]
Introductions
Kalli Matsuhashi, MA, LP
Executive Confidante
Name, position, hopes for today
What’s the greatest threat to your team or organization?
Brainstorm
Cycle of frustration, blame, defensiveness, aggressive reactions, lack of trust, fear, “us v. them” mentality, CONFLICT
What would the benefits be?
If you, your team, your organization was able to end the cycle of frustration and blame?
If you were able to work from a basis of trust rather than mistrust and negativity?
Brainstorm!
The truth is...
Most people care deeply about their work, their reputations, and want to give and receive respect
Most people want to be part of a healthy, functioning group
So why is conflict so prevalent?
People can feel hurt, and often they will back away
This backing away can be seen as any number of things - arrogance, being “cold,” uncaring, etc.
Without information, people will misconstrue the meaning of this backing away
Fortunately...
For many people, there seems to be an innate drive to resolve conflict, to get along
People want to be successful and have good relationships in their endeavors
Conflict causes stress
So?
Health implications - Discuss
Handout from APA on health-related effects of stress
What causes conflict?Is it the bad guy’s fault?
Usually the result of predictable mistakes made by good people with good intentions
Person A makes an error, Person B reacts - it’s the interplay between error & reaction that is at the root of conflict!
Results in less collaboration, poor problem solving, distorted information, malicious speculation
Common reactions to mistakes
Mistake Belittle, Shame Payoffs
• To sidestep own disappointing results, to look superior, to bond with others, to express indignation
• Shrugs, eye rolls, cutting remarks, gossip
• “Contempt”
• A good zinger draws a crowd, gets the person doing the shaming an adrenaline rush, gets a laugh
The downsides to this pattern?Fear, disrespect, cynicism, distrust, negativity, poor performance
Preferred reactions to mistakes
Mistake Cooperation Payoffs• To benefit a co-worker,
the organization, one’s own sense of pride; because one is aware of the positive power in this choice. Feeds the higher aspirations of the individual, the team, the organization
• Feels good! Rewarding, can feel proud of one’s choice of response and behavior
The downsides to this pattern?Insecurities don’t get fed, lose a vindictive bolt of energy that comes from blame and self-righteous indignation...
Yes, but...
Those mistakes can be frustrating!
Errors can lead to delays, disagreements, disappointments
The frustration they cause can have a cascading effect
Need to manage frustrations!
It’s usually not the event itself that is such a cause of stress, but rather our thoughts & feelings about it
“What’s the source of all of this frustration I’m feeling???”
Problems begin when we seek the source in the people around us or in ourselves
3 choices of response
Hostile! helpless... Appreciation• Reflexive• Inflammatory• Negative energy• Targets others• Low productivity• Long-term failure
• Reflexive• Harsh self-criticism• Indifferent; Low
energy• Targets self• Low productivity• People withdraw
• Reflective• Analytical but warm• Positive energy• Targets situation• Optimal productivity• Sense of well-being
Reasons behind hostility or helplessness?
Family background & culture
Brain function (the amygdala vs. the frontal cortex)
Habit! (neural pathways...)
Frontal Cortex
Now that you know...
What is your typical response to frustration?
It’s the most important habit you bring to work and your life, especially if you are in a position of leadership
Let’s keep moving and consider these responses a little more in-depth
3 choices of response
Hostile! helpless... Appreciation• Reflexive• Inflammatory• Negative energy• Targets others• Low productivity• Long-term failure
• Reflexive• Harsh self-criticism• Indifferent; Low
energy• Targets self• Low productivity• People withdraw
• Reflective• Analytical but warm• Positive energy• Targets situation• Optimal productivity• Sense of well-being
BLAMEBLAME
The blame game & “Flooding ”
When blaming others, the brain WILL find data that makes the other person seem irrational & unreasonable
Blame exaggerates the significance of the event and the pervasiveness of its effects
End up with a physical as well as emotional reaction called “flooding”
When we put blame on others/self
We begin to believe that the trait we blame them for is permanent
We feel hopeless about finding a solution or that change might be possible
These reactions & beliefs tend to further fuel the negativity, hostile or helpless reactions, and cause more flooding!
Flooding leads to irrationality...
Flooding happens when our thoughts and feelings result in a rush of adrenaline and cortisol into the blood stream
When flooded, we simply can’t think rationally! We can’t see options, so we feel trapped, and choose “fight or flight”
At work, it’s likely to appear as a verbal attack on someone’s competence or character
Which leads to more negativity
Other employees pick up on these attacks and will often amplify negative attitudes, rumors, attacks, etc.
Distorted or negatively filtered data is often brought back to managers resulting in an escalation of the power struggle
Negative information become a commodity!
Further negative effectsWhen stress is present, these blaming responses and behaviors can become automatic or part of the organization’s culture
The more that hostility is tolerated, the more it tends to sink in its roots and spread like a nasty weed
Bad for the health of the organization, bad for the health of the individual
3 choices of response
Hostile! helpless... Appreciation• Reflexive• Inflammatory• Negative energy• Targets others• Low productivity• Long-term failure
• Reflexive• Harsh self-criticism• Indifferent; Low
energy• Targets self• Low productivity• People withdraw
• Reflective• Analytical but warm• Positive energy• Targets situation• Optimal productivity• Sense of well-being
BLAMEBLAME
Culture of appreciationWhen frustrated, look for the source in the situation, not the people
Assume the other person or people are reasonable and doing their best given the circumstances (they may be responding to something we know nothing about)
It’s using the frontal cortex of the brain rather than the fear/anger center of the brain (amygadala)
Response to crisis
Whether healthy or toxic does NOT depend on external stress, the business climate, the economy, profitability, the competition, or the severity of the crisis
WILL depend on the organization’s cultural response to frustration!
ReflectivePull together, optimize
opportunities, open communication, trust,
strength-building
ReflexiveBlame, mistrust,
negatively competitive factions,
fear, poor communication, toxic
vs.
How do I make the switch?
Choose your assumption!
• Someone’s stupidity?
• Your stupidity?
• Or is the reality hidden from view?
You’ll feel angry, irrational as you search for someone to blame, and then attack their reputation or role
You’ll just feel depressed, lethargic...
You’ll become curious, maybe concerned - Assuming the reality is hidden from view will allow you to reach out and begin a conversation!
Perceived payoffs are immediate, visible, but the costs are delayed & hidden!
Enough of the blame game!
problems not
dealt with
scapegoating damages credibilitybuilds resentment
allies to enemiesbecomes automaticdemoralizing
loss of trustbetrayal
no one is safe!
Build a better culture
Your response is your choice
It is an investment in thought and effort, but pays big dividends
The results can happen quickly!
Need help?
Individual, team, organizational coaching
Half-day workshops
Follow-ups to ensure lasting change