David N. Brown, Ph.D., LMFT, CFLE
Human Sciences Specialist – Family Life
Relationship Education for Educators:
Better Couple Relationships Means
Better Child Outcomes
• The importance of healthy couple
relationships on child outcomes.
• The importance of care for self in healthy
relationships.
• The importance of kindness, understanding,
and respect in healthy relationships.
What You Will Learn About
The National Extension Relationship
and Marriage Education Network
WUP-06
Funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services,
Administration for Children and Families, Grant: 90CT0151. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or
recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the
views of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.
Cooperative Extension Overview
INT-02
Couple and co-parenting relationships
impact children’s safety and well-being:
Healthy Parents – Healthy Children
INT-07
Couple
Functioning Child
Outcomes Parenting
What are some obstacles that impact adult couple
relationships?
Families, especially those involved in the child welfare
system, can face numerous risks:
*High economic stress *Less family and community support
*Housing Issues *Substance Abuse
*Low education *History of abuse/neglect
*Less work experience *Mental health issues
*Gender distrust *Cultural differences
*Multiple partners *Domestic violence
*Incarceration
Obstacles to Healthy
Relationships
INT-12
What are some characteristics that come to
mind?
How do You Define a
“Healthy Relationship”?
Commitment
Satisfaction
Communication
Conflict management
Lack of domestic violence
Fidelity
Interaction and time together
Intimacy and emotional
support
Commitment to children
Trust
INT-13
National Extension Relationship and
Marriage Education Model (NERMEM)
INT-14
Components of Healthy Relationships
CFS-01 CFS-01
Components of Healthy Relationships
Stressors Crowd Us
How does it feel to be the couple in the center?
How difficult is it to be aware of your partner’s life
(or a child’s life) when you have stress weighing you
down?
What types of feel good things do you do for
yourself when you have been stressed?
How are your relationships
impacted when you cannot
do these things?
CFS-02
Care for Self:
It Starts with Health
Includes individual physical and sexual
health, socio/emotional health, and
spiritual health.
Healthy couple relationships impact
physical and mental health …. and health
impact relationships.
CFS-03
Put On Your Own Mask
First
How well or how poorly an individual functions has
important implications for couple relationships.
Even though a couple is a social unit, individuals
within couples remain just that – individuals.
Regardless of our situation,
being healthy is an important
factor in a healthy relationship.
CFS-04
Keys to Physical and
Sexual Health
Physical Health Eating right
Regular sleep and wake times
Physical activity
Avoiding harmful substances
Sexual Health Healthy choices
Minimize risks
CFS-06
Three Keys to
Social/Emotional Health
1. Help people you serve notice and appreciate
the small good things in their lives –
past, present, and future.
As people appreciate the good in
their lives, they often find greater
happiness and satisfaction.
What are some things that people
believe bring happiness?
CFS-07
Three Keys to
Social/Emotional Health
2. Help the people you serve identify and use
their strengths.
Strengths are not always “talents.”
Help individuals identify their strengths.
Call attention to strengths when you notice them.
CFS-08
Three Keys to
Social/Emotional Health
3. Have the ability to regulate one’s emotions.
Well adjusted people are better at coping with
stress and challenges.
Emotion regulation is key to
long-term relationship success.
CFS-09
Spiritual Health
A way of making sense of our lives.
Shaped by culture, family, community, and others.
Gives life meaning, purpose, and guidance.
Often associated with values and
morals – how to treat other people.
CFS-10
Health Concerns and
Relationships
Mental and physical health problems affect
couple relationships.
Influential factors
Severity of the problem
Support
Safety
CFS-11
Summary: Care for Self
To maintain a healthy relationship, each partner
must focus on their health by:
Eating healthy and exercising regularly.
Setting regular sleep and wake times.
Noticing and appreciating the good things in one’s life.
Finding ways to serve and use one’s strengths.
Looking for positive meaning in one’s life.
Managing stress in healthy ways.
CFS-12
Components of Healthy
Relationships
CRE-01 CRE-01
Care:
Showing Affection and
Respect
Creating and maintaining stable, healthy couple
relationships involves kindness, understanding,
respect, and support, even
when one’s partner does not
do the same.
CRE-02
Care: It’s About Loving
Action
What is it like when you or your partner
comes home crabby, tired, and stressed?
It is much easier to give a “crabby
reaction” than offer a “caring action.”
CRE-03
Crabby Reaction vs.
Caring Action
Scenario
Karen picked up her two kids from childcare and arrived home late. It
was almost 6:00 pm, and her boyfriend Shawn, would be there any minute. He
had been working in another town on a construction project for the past 5
months.
Their tradition on Mondays was to celebrate by having a special
dinner. She loved having everything ready before he walked through the door,
but now she only had 15 minutes.
At 6:00 pm Shawn was getting closer to home but was frustrated
because he was hitting all the red lights. At 6:15 pm he parked and gave a
quick honk on the horn, signaling to Karen that he was home. He let out a long
sigh as he headed inside, anxious to see his girlfriend and starving for his
welcome home meal.
He opened the door and called, “Hey Karen.” She called back, “Hey”
from the kitchen. He heard the baby crying in the living room and saw Karen’s
3-year old son watching TV. He looked in the kitchen and saw a half-set table
and no food, but heard Karen putting something in the microwave.
CRE-03
Take Shawn’s perspective when answering:
Write down “caring actions” on the pink
sticky note.
Write down “crabby reactions” on the blue or
orange sticky note.
Crabby Reaction vs. Caring Action
CRE-04
Five positives for each one negative is best for
sustaining a healthy couple relationship.
This concept applies across relationships –
parents and children, grandparents
and grandchildren, colleagues,
and so on.
Building Positivity – 5:1
CRE-05
Crabby Reaction vs. Caring
Action
Scenario Crabby
Reaction Caring Action
CRE-06
Karen and Shawn story
Single mother to case manager: “You have no idea what I’ve gone through!”
Ex-boyfriend and father of a child to the mother: “You never show up on time to pick up your kid.”
“You know when I get home, why didn’t you start earlier?”
Child to father: “You never let me do anything, and I hate your girl friend!”
“Looks like I am home just in time to help.”
What does “positive” look like?
How can we notice and remember positive
moments in our relationships?
How can we help people see their
partners positively?
How can we help couples
deal with the buildup
of negative perceptions?
Recognizing the Positive
CRE-07
Things that I like about my partner that
do not need to change.
Things I do not like about my partner that
never will change.
Things I do not like about my partner that
can change.
CRE-08
3 Parts to Every Relationship
Often people like about
80% of their partner’s
actions and dislike 20%.
What happens when we
think and talk about the
20% we don’t like?
What happens when we
think and talk a lot about
the 80% that we do like?
Things That Do Not Need to Change…
Things
I like about
my partner
(80%)
Things
I do not like
(20%)
CRE-09
Things
I like about
my partner
(80%)
CRE-10
Things That Do Not Need to Change…
Things
that won't
change
(70%) 70% of what we dislike will
not change (e.g., personalities,
food preferences, personal
styles).
30% can change, but only
when we focus on the good.
Gary Chapman lists five languages of love:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch
Customizing the Care with Love Messages
CRE-11
CRE-12
Increasing the Joy in
Relationships
What are some behaviors that might help increase the joy and closeness in relationships?
Following are examples of caring actions:
Show interest
Be affectionate
Show you care
Be appreciative
Show your concern
Be empathic
Be accepting
Joke around
Share your joy
Nice surprises
Interactions in all relationships involve some costs.
In committed relationships, sacrifices can seem like an
investment rather than a cost or loss.
To maintain a positive balance in the relationship bank
account, couples must make regular deposits – and
compromise from time to time.
Expressing appreciation is a
great way to make a deposit.
Unconditional Affection and Appreciation
CRE-14
Strong relationships depend
less on big events than on
small and regular moments
of connection.
One makes a choice to be
together despite obstacles.
How can you help couples
make time to be together?
Make Time for Togetherness
CRE-15
Some ways individuals show affection and
respect to a partner include:
Expressing caring actions, not crabby reactions.
Being open and listening to one’s partner.
Focusing on the good in one’s partner.
Accepting and valuing differences.
Giving love in the way the partner likes to be loved.
Showing appreciation.
Making time for togetherness.
Summary: Care
CRE-16
The National Extension Relationship
and Marriage Education Network
WUP-06
Funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services,
Administration for Children and Families, Grant: 90CT0151. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or
recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the
views of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.
Questions?
http://www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/hrmet
or
https://www.extension.iastate.edu/humansciences/healthy-relationship
For additional information go to:
Contact:
Dr. David Brown at [email protected]
or 515-298-1505
Dr. Anthony Santiago at [email protected]
or 515-294-7042
If you would like additional information
about scheduling a full-day Healthy
Relationship Education Training