David N. Brown, Ph.D., LMFT, CFLE

Human Sciences Specialist – Family Life

Relationship Education for Educators:

Better Couple Relationships Means

Better Child Outcomes

• The importance of healthy couple

relationships on child outcomes.

• The importance of care for self in healthy

relationships.

• The importance of kindness, understanding,

and respect in healthy relationships.

What You Will Learn About

The National Extension Relationship

and Marriage Education Network

WUP-06

Funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services,

Administration for Children and Families, Grant: 90CT0151. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or

recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.

Cooperative Extension Overview

INT-02

Couple and co-parenting relationships

impact children’s safety and well-being:

Healthy Parents – Healthy Children

INT-07

Couple

Functioning Child

Outcomes Parenting

What are some obstacles that impact adult couple

relationships?

Families, especially those involved in the child welfare

system, can face numerous risks:

*High economic stress *Less family and community support

*Housing Issues *Substance Abuse

*Low education *History of abuse/neglect

*Less work experience *Mental health issues

*Gender distrust *Cultural differences

*Multiple partners *Domestic violence

*Incarceration

Obstacles to Healthy

Relationships

INT-12

What are some characteristics that come to

mind?

How do You Define a

“Healthy Relationship”?

Commitment

Satisfaction

Communication

Conflict management

Lack of domestic violence

Fidelity

Interaction and time together

Intimacy and emotional

support

Commitment to children

Trust

INT-13

National Extension Relationship and

Marriage Education Model (NERMEM)

INT-14

Components of Healthy Relationships

CFS-01 CFS-01

Components of Healthy Relationships

Stressors Crowd Us

How does it feel to be the couple in the center?

How difficult is it to be aware of your partner’s life

(or a child’s life) when you have stress weighing you

down?

What types of feel good things do you do for

yourself when you have been stressed?

How are your relationships

impacted when you cannot

do these things?

CFS-02

Care for Self:

It Starts with Health

Includes individual physical and sexual

health, socio/emotional health, and

spiritual health.

Healthy couple relationships impact

physical and mental health …. and health

impact relationships.

CFS-03

Put On Your Own Mask

First

How well or how poorly an individual functions has

important implications for couple relationships.

Even though a couple is a social unit, individuals

within couples remain just that – individuals.

Regardless of our situation,

being healthy is an important

factor in a healthy relationship.

CFS-04

Keys to Physical and

Sexual Health

Physical Health Eating right

Regular sleep and wake times

Physical activity

Avoiding harmful substances

Sexual Health Healthy choices

Minimize risks

CFS-06

Three Keys to

Social/Emotional Health

1. Help people you serve notice and appreciate

the small good things in their lives –

past, present, and future.

As people appreciate the good in

their lives, they often find greater

happiness and satisfaction.

What are some things that people

believe bring happiness?

CFS-07

Three Keys to

Social/Emotional Health

2. Help the people you serve identify and use

their strengths.

Strengths are not always “talents.”

Help individuals identify their strengths.

Call attention to strengths when you notice them.

CFS-08

Three Keys to

Social/Emotional Health

3. Have the ability to regulate one’s emotions.

Well adjusted people are better at coping with

stress and challenges.

Emotion regulation is key to

long-term relationship success.

CFS-09

Spiritual Health

A way of making sense of our lives.

Shaped by culture, family, community, and others.

Gives life meaning, purpose, and guidance.

Often associated with values and

morals – how to treat other people.

CFS-10

Health Concerns and

Relationships

Mental and physical health problems affect

couple relationships.

Influential factors

Severity of the problem

Support

Safety

CFS-11

Summary: Care for Self

To maintain a healthy relationship, each partner

must focus on their health by:

Eating healthy and exercising regularly.

Setting regular sleep and wake times.

Noticing and appreciating the good things in one’s life.

Finding ways to serve and use one’s strengths.

Looking for positive meaning in one’s life.

Managing stress in healthy ways.

CFS-12

Components of Healthy

Relationships

CRE-01 CRE-01

Care:

Showing Affection and

Respect

Creating and maintaining stable, healthy couple

relationships involves kindness, understanding,

respect, and support, even

when one’s partner does not

do the same.

CRE-02

Care: It’s About Loving

Action

What is it like when you or your partner

comes home crabby, tired, and stressed?

It is much easier to give a “crabby

reaction” than offer a “caring action.”

CRE-03

Crabby Reaction vs.

Caring Action

Scenario

Karen picked up her two kids from childcare and arrived home late. It

was almost 6:00 pm, and her boyfriend Shawn, would be there any minute. He

had been working in another town on a construction project for the past 5

months.

Their tradition on Mondays was to celebrate by having a special

dinner. She loved having everything ready before he walked through the door,

but now she only had 15 minutes.

At 6:00 pm Shawn was getting closer to home but was frustrated

because he was hitting all the red lights. At 6:15 pm he parked and gave a

quick honk on the horn, signaling to Karen that he was home. He let out a long

sigh as he headed inside, anxious to see his girlfriend and starving for his

welcome home meal.

He opened the door and called, “Hey Karen.” She called back, “Hey”

from the kitchen. He heard the baby crying in the living room and saw Karen’s

3-year old son watching TV. He looked in the kitchen and saw a half-set table

and no food, but heard Karen putting something in the microwave.

CRE-03

Take Shawn’s perspective when answering:

Write down “caring actions” on the pink

sticky note.

Write down “crabby reactions” on the blue or

orange sticky note.

Crabby Reaction vs. Caring Action

CRE-04

Five positives for each one negative is best for

sustaining a healthy couple relationship.

This concept applies across relationships –

parents and children, grandparents

and grandchildren, colleagues,

and so on.

Building Positivity – 5:1

CRE-05

Crabby Reaction vs. Caring

Action

Scenario Crabby

Reaction Caring Action

CRE-06

Karen and Shawn story

Single mother to case manager: “You have no idea what I’ve gone through!”

Ex-boyfriend and father of a child to the mother: “You never show up on time to pick up your kid.”

“You know when I get home, why didn’t you start earlier?”

Child to father: “You never let me do anything, and I hate your girl friend!”

“Looks like I am home just in time to help.”

What does “positive” look like?

How can we notice and remember positive

moments in our relationships?

How can we help people see their

partners positively?

How can we help couples

deal with the buildup

of negative perceptions?

Recognizing the Positive

CRE-07

Things that I like about my partner that

do not need to change.

Things I do not like about my partner that

never will change.

Things I do not like about my partner that

can change.

CRE-08

3 Parts to Every Relationship

Often people like about

80% of their partner’s

actions and dislike 20%.

What happens when we

think and talk about the

20% we don’t like?

What happens when we

think and talk a lot about

the 80% that we do like?

Things That Do Not Need to Change…

Things

I like about

my partner

(80%)

Things

I do not like

(20%)

CRE-09

Things

I like about

my partner

(80%)

CRE-10

Things That Do Not Need to Change…

Things

that won't

change

(70%) 70% of what we dislike will

not change (e.g., personalities,

food preferences, personal

styles).

30% can change, but only

when we focus on the good.

Gary Chapman lists five languages of love:

Words of affirmation

Quality time

Receiving gifts

Acts of service

Physical touch

Customizing the Care with Love Messages

CRE-11

CRE-12

Increasing the Joy in

Relationships

What are some behaviors that might help increase the joy and closeness in relationships?

Following are examples of caring actions:

Show interest

Be affectionate

Show you care

Be appreciative

Show your concern

Be empathic

Be accepting

Joke around

Share your joy

Nice surprises

Interactions in all relationships involve some costs.

In committed relationships, sacrifices can seem like an

investment rather than a cost or loss.

To maintain a positive balance in the relationship bank

account, couples must make regular deposits – and

compromise from time to time.

Expressing appreciation is a

great way to make a deposit.

Unconditional Affection and Appreciation

CRE-14

Strong relationships depend

less on big events than on

small and regular moments

of connection.

One makes a choice to be

together despite obstacles.

How can you help couples

make time to be together?

Make Time for Togetherness

CRE-15

Some ways individuals show affection and

respect to a partner include:

Expressing caring actions, not crabby reactions.

Being open and listening to one’s partner.

Focusing on the good in one’s partner.

Accepting and valuing differences.

Giving love in the way the partner likes to be loved.

Showing appreciation.

Making time for togetherness.

Summary: Care

CRE-16

The National Extension Relationship

and Marriage Education Network

WUP-06

Funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services,

Administration for Children and Families, Grant: 90CT0151. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or

recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.

Questions?

http://www.fcs.uga.edu/nermen/hrmet

or

https://www.extension.iastate.edu/humansciences/healthy-relationship

For additional information go to:

Contact:

Dr. David Brown at dnbrown@iastate.edu

or 515-298-1505

Dr. Anthony Santiago at ads@iastate.edu

or 515-294-7042

If you would like additional information

about scheduling a full-day Healthy

Relationship Education Training