facilitating conversation i the map is not the territory true communication is a heartfelt activity...

Facilitating Conversation I

The Map is Not the Territory

True communication is a heartfelt activity requiring our highest

integrity in real presence to self and

other.

The Map Is Not the Territory

Perceptions

Acknowledgments:

RD Laing, Milton Erickson, John Grinder & Richard Bandler, Arpana Greenwood

Actual CommunicationRequires• Being fully present to self and other.• Offering respect.• Softening the rigid structures within yourself. • Truly listening.• Being willing to hang in there when the going

gets tough.• Expecting an opening to the new that is

occurring between you.

Communications Area

• Listening

• Processing

• Feedback

(Responding)

How to Build Rapport

Socrates (469-399 B.C)

“Know Thyself”

• Be aware of your own beliefs, values, feelings, internal representation system.

How to Build Rapport

Being Present to the Other• Genuineness• Warmth• Empathy• Unconditional positive regard• Non judgmental attitude

"I believe in person to person. Every person is Christ to me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is the one person in the world at that moment." Mother Teresa

THE POWER OF LISTENING

Clark Moustakas “Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force – the friends that listen to us are the ones we move towards and want to sit in their radius as though it did us good.”

CommunicationThe Map and The Territory

“There are two kinds of egotists. Those who admit it, and the rest of us.” Laurence J. Peter

– Adults have developed a world view - a system of beliefs and values and survival.

– Our ego identities, meaning, and perceived value are tied to that worldview.

– Most of us fight to keep it intact.– Some of us wear unconscious blinders to keep it intact. – Never underestimate the power of your worldview.– A few of us have even kill to keep it intact.

The Problem:

– Some times our world view is a jail that keeps us in & keeps others out.

The Map and The Territory

The Map is our internal mental world. The Territory is the greater world.

• Each of us, as well as groups, have our own perception of reality - own mental map.

• Our map is our perception from our internal representation system.

• The representational system is derived from sensate experience and function, and its relationship to language.

• The representational system generates beliefs and values.

We respond according to our perception of our world.That perception is NOT the world.

The Map is Not the Territory“We see things not as they are, but as we are.” – HM Tomlinson

The Territory is always bigger then our maps.

Your Map

Your beliefs, values, perception of the territory

Maps are Composed of Beliefs, Memories, Values, etc.

• All memories are stored as experiences.

• Memories store the emotional and sensory experiences of the event.

• Each time we recall we re-lay down the memory with its emotional and sensory content.

• We can not deny the content but we can reinterpret and disarm its power through new understandings.

Our Maps Are About Important Things

Basic Unconscious Presuppositions to Belief Life Death

Trust Doubt

Security Insecurity

Pleasure Pain

Together/ Connected

Alone/Separated

Success Failure

Focus on self Focus on other

Right & Good Wrong & Bad

Respect Shame

Different Types of Belief• Beliefs about cause• Beliefs about meaning• Beliefs about

boundaries• Beliefs about God and

spirituality• Beliefs about identity• Beliefs about proper

behavior• Beliefs about capability• Beliefs about class, etc.

• Cultural beliefs• Religious beliefs• Stereotypes

A Belief System

is a cluster of beliefs arranged around higher

levels of value.

Differing Perceptions

• Young lady or old lady?

Perceptions Are a Form of Belief

Perceptions Can Block Listening • The results we get in life are largely the results

of the beliefs we have.

• Beliefs can limit us or set us free.

• We desire to prove ourselves & our beliefs right.

• To change beliefs by just wanting to doesn’t work.

• Especially if there are old doubts in there.

For Example

Who are these people?

If you thought former President Bill Clinton and Vice President Al Gore, look again. This is actually Bill Clinton’s face with Al Gore’s haircut standing behind Bill Clinton.

Zollner Illusion

Are these lines parallel or angled?

INTERNAL PROCESSING

State ( Emotion )+physiology External Behavior

1.Internal filters: Beliefs & Values

Memories & experiences Attitude

2.Language: Deletion Distortion

Generalization

3.Internal Representation: Visual–stored as picturesAuditory–stored as noises

Kinesthetic–stored as feelings

Trigger and Response

A = Activated eventB = Belief and mental mapC = Behavioral

consequence

A + B = C

The Map is Not the Territory“We see things not as they are, but as we are.” – HM Tomlinson

Area of Understanding

The Territory

The other’s beliefs, values, perception of the territory


Communication Must Acknowledge When Maps Differ

“We see things not as they are, but as we are.” – HM Tomlinson



The Territory

Here we can only talk AT each other with no real communication.

The Maze of Communicationfrom RD Laing’s Knots

Jill can see Jack can't see,and can't see he can't see.Jill can see WHYJack can't see,But Jill cannot see WHYJack can't see he can't see.

Jack 'sees' Jill is blindand that Jill can't see she is.Jack realizes they both are.If the blind must lead the blind, it is as wellthat the leader knows he is.

Jack can't see he can't seeand can't seeJill can't see Jill can't see it.and visa versa...

When Maps Differ Predictable Behaviors Arise

If we do not seek rapport:

• We and the other default back into our original positions and entrench there.

• We exhibit increased defensiveness - defending self or group from perceived threat.

Building Rapport When Others Are Aggressive or Defensive

Some forms of conversational aggression or “talking at” come from & create: • Defensiv e resistance to a perceive dthreat to beliefs, value .s

• A felt sense of not bein g respecte .d • A respo nse to not bein g he ard or listened .to

• A respo nse to bein g ‘talked at.”

How to Lower Yours & His/Her Defenses

• Be aware of your own internal representation system. (Know Thyself)

• Offer respect to the other’s resistance. (it’s there for a reason)

• Listen to the resistance. ( What is it saying?)

• Roll with resistance. (Don’t go directly against it or it becomes stronger.)

Go around the resistance, never through.

Roll with Resistance

• If you push against a defense it will get stronger.

• Go around it!

Unity

“The unity is said to be the mystery,

Mystery of mysteries, the door to all wonders.” Tao Te Ching translated by Derek Lin

The Map is Not the Territory“We see things not as they are, but as we are.” – HM Tomlinso

In the Area of Understanding miscommunication is inevitable unless we find some similar areas in our two maps.

The Territory



What are these maps in the Park 51 Cordoba House situation?

“We see things not as they are, but as we are.” – HM Tomlinson


The Territory



The Difficult Word by Robert Bly

The oaks reluctantly let their leaves fall,And hesitatingly allow their branches to be bare;And the bear spends all winter in separation.

The beauty of marriage is such that it dissolvesAll earlier union, and leads man and wifeTo walk together on the road of separation.

It's a difficult word. The thought frightens usthat this planet with all its darkening geeseWas created not for union but for separation.

Suppose there were a dragon curled inside each dropOf water, defending it's gold. It's possibleThat abundance has the same effect as separation.

We all knew nothing of this when we floatedIn the joy of the womb; but when our lips touchedOur mother's breast, we said, this is separation.

It is my longing to smooth the feathersOf brown birds, and to touch the sides of horsesThat has led me to spend my life in separation.

How is actual not rhetorical joining possible?

The Territory


Where do the maps overlap?

How do we create rapport instead of adversarial roles?



Creating RapportA Way to Actively to Find those Areas of Joining

What Is Rapport? The ability to create trust with a feeling of deep similarity & and connection with another person.

How Do I Know If I Am In Rapport? There are many ways but the feeling of rapport is natural as

though you are on the same wave length. There is a sense of reciprocity, and deep listening. You feel a sense of understanding & comfort coming from you, and being extended toward you even in the most difficult conversations.

Powerpoint II covers Rapport Building Skills.

facilitating conversation i the map is not the territory true communication is a heartfelt activity...

Documents

mental map

system of beliefs

arpana greenwood slide

mother teresa slide

world view

territory true communication

internal mental world

greater world