FAMILY / MEET THE AUTHOR

how to beHAPPIER

Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin tells Hannah Hiles howunderstanding yourself and your children can improve your life

BEST-SELLINGAUTHOR GRETCHEN RUBIN'SWORK FOCUSES ONhappiness, habits and human nature. She started by trying to improveher own life - documenting her experiments in her books The HappinessProject and Happier at Home - and moved on to examine how people ingeneral make changes. While working on Better Than Before, her bookabout habit formation, she developed a personality framework she callsthe Four Tendencies, which divides people based on how they respondto expectations - Upholders, who "readily respond to outer and innerexpectations"; Questioners, who only do things if they make sense; Rebels,who resist both other people's expectations and their own; and Obligers,who will d9 what other people want them to but struggle to fulfil their ownwishes. Gretchen, who lives in New York and is a typical Upholder, hastwo daughters, a 13-year-old Upholder and an 18-year-old Questioner. >

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FAMILY!MEETTHEAUTHOR

'1often hear people say, "1wish 1had moretime to read", but you can tweak yourhabits and MAKE more time to read'Your work is very wide-ranging- how do you sum it up?I'm interested in why we are theway we are, for exam ple, how wecan or can't make changes, evenwhen we want to. It covers a lot!

Once you know about theFour Tendencies you canspot them everywhere bypeople's reactions to situations,especially when there isconflict. You can see whysomeone is having an issuewith their boss, for example.

It's very poignant that manyadults write to me about thingsthat happened to them aschildren, saying how if someonehad spoken to them differentlyit could have saved a problemwhich went on for years.

Have you changed howyou parent as a result ofyour insights into habitsand happiness?100 per cent yes, definitely. Ibehave myself much betternow that I am careful to getenough sleep and not get

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too hungry. I am very highlystrung but now I know manystrategies to help myself calmdown. I'm more patient, tender,light-hearted and fun-loving.

I also think a lot abouthow people are differentfrom each other. I may havecertain preferences but itdoesn't mean that I am right.For example, I need to have adesk but my daughter wouldsit on her bed with a laptop.She works fine like that, sowhy does she have to do it myway? Why are we even arguingabout it? I am much quickerto spot things like that.

What do you think is the biggesthappiness stumbling block ina modern parenting context?I think it is time andoverscheduling. People arefeeling pressed for time, feelinghurried and always racing outthe door. I often hear peoplesay, "Iwish I had more time toread", but you can tweak yourhabits and MAKE more time to

read. Or they say, "I would feelbetter if I wen t to bed earlier",so why are they staying upuntil lam watching StrangerThings? They know they wouldhave more energy but they stilldo it. It is mysterious to me.

What one simple thing wouldyou suggest doing to increasea family's happiness levels?And how should differenttendencies approach it?Get more sleep! Some peopleare good with their kids'bedtimes but not with theirown. Everything is harder whenpeople are tired. You have tohave clarity of expectations-what am I asking of myself? Ifmost adults need seven hoursof sleep and you get up at6am, then bedtime could be10:30pm to allow a little leeway.Set an alarm for that time onyour phone and go to bed.

I actually get ready for bedwell before bedtime - I realisedthat I would stay up late becauseI was too tired to wash my faceand take out my contacts.

As for the differenttendencies, Questioners forexample need to dearly knowthe benefits of doing something,so they can research the impactof getting enough sleep onmemory, mood, weight and soon. And Obligers, you need toset a good example for the restof the family, and think aboutyour future self. Think "futureGretchen will be so happy towake up before the alarm."

If you are in a couple whereone is a morning person andone is a night person, thinkabout ways people can dotasks when it is easier forthem. For example, the spousewho prefers to stay up latecould pack the backpacksand make the lunches thenight before, and that wouldmake the mornings easier.

Do the Four Tendenciestend to be inherited? Is ithard to parent a child witha different tendency?

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I do think they are geneticallydetermined, although thesethings can work in weird ways.It's like how I have red hairbut neither of my parents do.It can be more difficult to tell achild's tendency because theyare not autonomous in the sameway that adults are, althoughit can be very obvious too.Sometimes you just have to waituntil they get older to see howthey respond to expectationsand how they spend their time.

It can be a challengewhen you don't understandtheir tendency. Parenting anUpholder child is generallyvery easy, but if you have aRebel child, how would youget them to practise piano,for example? I had a greatexample from a listener whosedaughter was very gifted butdidn't practise. Rebels tend tobe motivated by identity andlove a challenge, so the momsaid "oh, I saw the piano musicyour teacher left for you. ltlooks very challenging for alO-year-old. I'd love to see youperforming that beautifullyon stage." And this appealedto the daughter's identity asa musician, so she chose todo it. Or you could presentinformation, consequences andchoice - "we are not going topay for your lessons if you don'tpractise" - and then if they don'tpractise, stop the lessons. Unlessthey want to do it for their ownreasons they just won't practise.

MORE INSPIRATIONUNDERSTAND: Don't knowwhich tendency you are?Take Gretchen's test atbit.ly/2wudqsg to find out.LISTEN: Gretchen eo-hostsan award -winning weeklypodcast called Happier withGretchen Rubin with hersister Elizabeth Craft.JOIN: Her app Better aimsto help you create a happierlife by harnessing the powerof the Four Tendencies. Findout more at betterapp.us