GEORGE J. & MARY S. MITCHELL ADOPTION UNIT

VIRTUAL CARE PACKAGERESOURCES FOR ADOPTIVE FAMILIES DURING COVID-19

93 Silver StreetWaterville, ME 04901(207) 873-6350

MaineChildrensHome.org

Please know we are thinking of you-our families. We offer this “virtual care package” to your family in hope it brings you some resources during these difficult times.

One thing we know about the families we serve is they offer some of the most hope, the most kindness, the most compassion and the most resilience this world has ever seen. So, lead with that-lead with those qualities we see when we have had the pleasure of working with your family. Be hopeful, be kind, be compassionate to yourselves and to your family. We know you are all doing the very best that you can.

As always, we are here. We will listen. Anything you need, please reach out and we will do all we can for you. Staying connected during times of crisis is highly important and although we cannot see you in person-we can see you virtually and we are doing so with families every week.

Be in touch as much as your family needs. And feel free to share these resources with other families you feel may benefit.

With love,

The Maine Children’s Home Adoption TeamAngie, Caroline, Cindy, Deb, Lindsay, Sharon, Tara

“When we have hope, we discover powers within ourselves we may have never known - the power to make sacrifices, to endure, to heal,

and to love. Once we choose hope, everything is possible.”-Christopher Reeve

Information to consider if traveling• Adoption Travel in the time of COVID-19

Resources on talking to kids about COVID-19• CDC • Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development - Connected in Crisis

Helping kids adjust to changes related to COVID-19• National Association of School Psychologists

Changes in Adoption related to COVID-19• Rainbow Kids - Adoption & Child Welfare Advocacy

Adoptions are happening in new ways - including virtual• First Virtual Adoptiona nice feel good story for these crazy times

From Scholastic:• Free Resources for School Closures From Department of Education:• Sites offering free subscriptions and activities• Materials for home practice

INFORMATION RELATED SPECIFICALLY TO COVID-19

RESOURCES FOR ONLINE ACADEMIC SUPPORT

Calm down strategies• 100 Calming strategies for kids

Build resiliency and improve self-esteem. Specifically for negative self-talkers.• Big Life Journal

Self regulation• Picture Books That Teach Kids How to Stop and Think, Handle Emotions, and Be

Mindful

Social emotional• Free Social Emotional Learning Activities

Children’s Mindfulness Activities• 25 Mindfulness Practices for Kids Who Can’t Sit Still

A different view of your child’s behavior• The Train Analogy

SELF-CARE FOR PARENTS• Self-Care in the Time of Coronavirus

CELEBRATIONS• These are ideas for celebrating kids birthdays in quarantine but could also be

adapted for adoption/gotcha day celebrations

NON-SCREEN ACTIVITIES• 100 Non-Screen Activities to Occupy Your Kids

ACTIVITIES THAT FOSTER ATTACHMENT• 15 Games that Encourage Attachment

WAYS TO HELP KIDS WITH BIG EMOTIONS

Parenting techniques for parenting a child from hard places.

• How to Handle Manipulation and Control

• Avoiding Control Battles

• Sharing Your Power

• Empowering Connecting and Correcting Preview

• Engaging Food Battles

• Effective Ways to Deal with Sleep Issues

• TBRI for Teens Preview

• How Do I Handle Lying

• Understanding Sensory Processing

• The IDEAL Response for Parents

• Using ‘Time In’ Instead of ‘Time Out’

• Children From Hard Places and the Brain Preview

• Playful Interaction Preview

• Why Won’t My Child Act His Age

• Trust-Based Adoptive Parent Training• • Why Kids Talk Back and What To Do About It

• Empowered to Connect video library

• Free TBRI training through 5/31/20

TRUST-BASED RELATIONAL INTERVENTION® (TBRI®) VIDEOS & TRAININGS

12 powerful parenting phrases that make talking to kids easier

Talking to kids can come so easily. They have thoughts about everything and stories for miles. They see the world in a completely different light, and could ask enough questions to fill an afternoon. But sometimes finding the right words for talking to kids can be really, really challenging. When choosing how to respond to the marker on the wall, or the seemingly unending why-can’t-I battle, or in simply keeping healthy communication open with kids who don’t want to talk, the words don’t seem to come so easily. In challenging situations, our frustration and/or overwhelm seems to bubble over, clouding any cohesive sentence structure we might have put together. The pressure is on, we need to “use our words,” but all we can muster is a non-verbal utterance resembling something like a cross between a growl and a guttural sigh. I find that in these really challenging moments, it helps for parents to have a few familiar and effective phrases in our back pocket. Words that have already been carefully selected before we lost our minds.

Here are some of my favorites:

1. “At the same time…”Using the word “but” can complicate already tense conversations. Often seen as negating whatever came before, it can create confusion and hurt feelings. The phrase, “I love you, but…” or “I’m sorry, but…” comes off as “I love you, but not enough,” or “I’m sorry, but not really.” Instead, use the phrase, “at the same time”. This phrase validates both what comes before and after as coexisting. “I love you. At the same time, I can’t let you hurt other people. ”I’m sorry you’re upset. At the same time, running away isn’t safe.”

2. “I need you to…/ You need to…”One of the biggest invitations for power struggles comes when we make our requests sound optional. We say things like, “Are you ready for lunch?” or “How about we get you dressed?” or “Do you want to pick up your toys?”Those phrases are great IF we actually mean to give our child those choices. When we don’t, we need to be more clear. “You need to come to lunch, please.” “I need you to get dressed, please.” “You need to pick up your toys, please.”

3. “I see…”“I see two children who both want the same toy.”“I see you look very upset…” Stating your observations as you come upon a problem helps to prevent you from placing blame or making assumptions. And that keeps everyone more open to problem-solving because you’re starting from a place of trying to understand, rather than trying to place blame. Simply start by describing what you see in a completely nonjudgmental way. Then invite the children to help you fill in the rest.

PARENTING STRATEGIES

4. “Tell me about…”Similar to #3, the key to this phrase is not assuming. Whether you’re trying to understand what’s going on in a tiff between friends, or curious about the work going on in a painting or block structure, it’s better to ask for the child’s input rather than jump to assumptions. “Tell me about your picture…” works better than “What a lovely bear!” (especially when the bear was actually a dog.) “Tell me about what happened…” works better than jumping right in with, “I can’t believe you hit her!” (especially when the hitting was preceded by 2 hours of taunting.)

5. “I love to watch you…”This is a great phrase to keep at the ready for every day, proactive relationship building (which always pays off when times get tough). It’s a phrase I learned from my friend, Rachel Macy Stafford, and have used it countless times since. Simply letting a child know that you are watching them and enjoying them can go a long way in building their positive self-perception. Sometimes the best thing we can do to motivate good behavior and build good relationships is simply to notice the wonderful good that already exists. “I love watching you play with your brothers.” “I love listening to you play the piano.” “I love to watch you build with your legos.” It’s a simple phrase that lets a child know we notice them, while at the same time reminding us to slow down enough to be noticers.

6. “What do you think you could do….”As experienced problem-solvers ourselves, it can be tempting to swoop right in and fix every problem. But it’s important that we give kids ownership of and practice with the problem-solving process. “What do you think you could do to help your sister feel better?” “What do you think you could do to make things right with your friend?” “What do you think you could do to make sure everyone gets a turn?” “What do you think you could do to take care of this spill?” Notice that children are not only invited to come up with a proposed solution, but to own it. “What do YOU think YOU could do…”

7. “How can I help…”Similarly, there are times when a child clearly needs our help, but we want to be sure we help, not rescue. We want to offer our abilities without taking away their responsibilities. “How can I help you with this broken glass?” “How can I help you clean your room?” “How can I help you understand your homework?”

8. “What I know is…”There are times when our kids tell us things we KNOW are not true. But when we jump to, “That’s a lie!”, they typically shut down or become defensive. Whether it’s lying, magical thinking, or a complete misunderstanding, we can avoid an argument or an overreaction by calmly starting with what we know. “What I know is that there were four cookies on the plate when I left.” “What I know is that toys can’t move by themselves.” “What I know is that Jesse’s mom wasn’t home today.”

PARENTING STRATEGIES (cont’d.)

9. “Help me understand…”Similarly, inviting a child to help you understand, is less accusatory than “explain yourself”. It communicates that you don’t understand, but you WANT to.“Help me understand how this got here.” “Help me understand what happened.”

10. “I’m sorry…”Kids aren’t always the ones making the mistakes in these difficult situations. Sometimes our imperfections are the best starting point for important learning opportunities. When we apologize for our shortcomings, we model how to make appropriate apologies, but also teach our children that we all make mistakes. When they see us acknowledge and apologize, they learn that they can do the same. Additionally, when we repair our relationships, we make them stronger.

11. “Thank you…”Along with all the hard situations, we have to acknowledge the great ones (or even a great sliver of a really hard day). Just like we want to know our hard work is appreciated every day, our children want to know that their effort is noticed as well.“Thank you for packing your lunch this morning.” “Thank you for being such a respectful listener.” “Thank you for helping your sister.” Even, “Thank you for doing your jobs. I know you wanted to do other things first. (Unspoken: Because you threw a big fit beforehand.) I really appreciate you doing it even though it was hard.”

12. “ I love you…”With all the words we search for, these three should come easily and frequently. With our words and with our actions, our kids should know that through thick and thin, we ALWAYS love them. In all that I’ve read and studied about child development, I find that I come back again and again to two truths:

1. All learning and development happen in the context of human relationships.

2. Healthy human relationships, particularly in families, are built on unconditional love.Before, during and after our most challenging situations with our kids, we should convey to them that they are always safe and loved, no matter what.

Love can compensate for all kinds of parenting mistakes. Even when we can’t find the right words, or when those words just don’t come out like they should. When they come from a place of love, and when that love is consistently made clear, we eventually find our way back together.

Original story by Amanda Morgan for notjustcute.com.

PARENTING STRATEGIES (cont’d.)

Our children are often the best mirrors. Over time, I have gracefully taken a step back and realized I needed to clean up my communication. I replaced my judgmental, negative, threatening tone with a neutral, problem solving, empathetic, encouraging one (this took TONS of practice, and I’m still a work in progress) and my little girl’s behavior improved dramatically. The lesson was clear for me. Talk to mini-humans the way you’d like to be talked to and things will go a lot smoother. Easier said than done, so over the years, I’ve adopted the motto “progress over perfection.”These 20 positive phrases are a great place to start if you’d like to make a fresh start with your communication:

1. “What do you need to remember?”Take a break from: “Be careful.”Example: “What do you need to remember when you play at the park?” or “Please move slow like a careful turtle when walking on top of that wall.”Explained: Kids often ignore when we say this same thing again and again. Instead, engage their critical thinking skills and have them re-state the important precaution. Or give them specifics on what you want.

2. “Please talk softly.”Take a break from: “Stop yelling!” or “Be Quiet!”Example: “Please talk softly or whisper,” (said in a whisper voice) or, “I love your singing, AND I need you to outside or in the playroom to sing loud.”Explained: Some kids are naturally louder than others. If they have trouble speaking softly, show them where they can go to be loud and also use the power of the whisper. In combination with a gentle touch and eye contact, whispering is an incredibly effective way to get kids to listen.

3. “Would you like to do it on your own or have me help you?”Take a break from: “I’ve asked you three times, do it now!”Example: “It’s time to leave. Would you like to put on your shoes by yourself, or have me help you?” or “Would you like to hop in your car seat by yourself or have me put you in it?”Explained: Most kids respond incredibly well to being empowered. Give them a choice and their critical thinking skills override their temptation to push back.

4. “What did you learn from this mistake?”Take a break from: “Shame on you” or “You should know better.”Example: “What did you learn from this mistake?” or “What did you learn and how will you do it differently next time, so you don’t get in trouble at school?”Explained: Focusing on motivation to change behavior for the future will get you much better results than placing shame on past misbehavior.

20 PHRASES TO USE WHEN YOUR CHILD ISN’T LISTENING

5. “Please ______________.”Take a break from: “Don’t!” or “Stop It!”Example: “Please pet the dog gently” or “Please put your shoes in the closet.”Explained: Do any of us go through our day telling waitresses, baristas, friends, etc. what we DON’T want? No, right? We wouldn’t get the best response if we said “Do NOT give us a whole milk latte” or “I don’t want the chicken.” That form of negative communication isn’t perceived well and puts undue strain on relationships. Instead, try asking for what you do want.

6. “We are on cheetah time today and need to move fast!”Take a break from: “Hurry Up!” or “We are going to be late!”Example: “We’re on racehorse time today! Let’s see how fast we can move!”Explained: Be sure to let them be on turtle time sometimes! We could all use a healthy dose of slowing down, so provide mornings where everyone is relaxed & kids can move slow.

7. “Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes?”Take a break from: “Time to go…now!”Example: “Do you guys wanna leave now or play for ten more minutes, then leave?Why it works: Kids love to be in charge of their own destiny, especially power kids! This takes a tad bit of proactivity, but it works like a charm! Give them a choice & they’ll respond much better when you say “Okay, 10 minutes is up, time to go.”

8. “Let’s add that toy you want to your birthday list.”Take a break from: “We can’t afford that” or “No, I said NO TOYS!”Example: “I am not willing to buy that, would you like me to put it on your birthday list?”Explained: If we’re being honest, we often CAN afford the $5 lego at checkout, we’re just not willing to purchase it. But then buy a $5 almond milk latte from Starbucks. Instead of blaming our finances and creating feelings of scarcity, own your limit, then offer ideas to help them learn how to get it (birthday, earning money, etc.).

9. “Stop, breathe, now ask for what you want.”Take a break from: “Stop whining!”Example: “Let’s stop, breathe together, now try again to ask for what you want.”Explained: Be sure to model this too. Keep repeating it calmly while breathing with them, till they can self-calm and change the way they’re talking.

10. “Respect yourself and others.”Take a break from: “Be good.”Example: “Remember to respect yourself and others when you’re inside the jumpy today.”Explained: Be specific here as kids often don’t absorb the general statements we throw at them. Ask for what you want and have them restate what is important to remember.

20 PHRASES TO USE WHEN YOUR CHILD ISN’T LISTENING (cont’d.)

11. “Use your teamwork skills.”Take a break from: “Don’t be bossy!” & “No one will play with you if you act like that.”Example: “You’re a great leader. Remember to use your teamwork skills today. Ask your friends questions, instead of telling them what to do and let others have a turn leading too.”Explained: Many kids who have a strong desire to lead (or feel powerful) are often told they’re bossy or that no one will want to be their friends if they act mean. Instead, become a coach of your child and teach them how good leaders lead with integrity - asking instead of commanding, showing instead of telling, and taking turns, so everyone has a turn to lead AND also rest, etc.

12. “I need you to _____________.”Take a break from: “Stop doing ___,” and “It’s not ok to ___.”Example: “I need you to pet the dog gently, he loves calming pets and will sit with you longer if you touch him that way.“I need you to slow down and walk like a turtle right now instead of a racehorse since we’re in a dangerous parking lot.”Explained: I statements come across very different than you statements, and kids respond much better when we communicate with them in non-accusatory ways. Also, asking for what you want is huge to guide kids in the direction you want (vs. focusing their brain on what you DON’T want!)

13. “It’s okay to cry.”Take a break from: “Don’t be a baby,” or “Don’t Cry.”Example: “It’s ok that you feel sad, I’ll be over here if you need me. I know you can find a way to take care of yourself.”Explained: It’s incredible how well kids respond when we don’t pressure them to “get over their feelings” or try to force them to stop freaking out. Empower and teach them they are capable of moving through the feeling on their own and they’ll come out of the sadness sooner—and also build their self-esteem.

14. “How will you take care of yourself?”Take a break from: Always fixing, i.e., “Do ______, and you’ll be fine, it’s not a big deal,” or “Why are you always so emotional? “Here, a cookie will make you feel better.”Example: “It’s ok to be____. What are some things you can do to help yourself feel better?”Explained: Empowering kids to take care of themselves is an incredible gift! Kids who learn to move through emotions with integrity, and take self-calming action get into trouble less and have higher self-esteem. (Be sure you are learning through positive parenting curriculum like The Foundations Course how to support them in this journeyto develop intrinsic care, self-control methods and how to self-calm.)

20 PHRASES TO USE WHEN YOUR CHILD ISN’T LISTENING (cont’d.)

15. “I’ll stop, breathe and wait for you to finish.”Take a break from: “Just let me do it.”Example: “Looks like you need a moment, I’ll sit down and wait for two minutes or put the dishes in the dishwasher while I wait.”Explained: Many times, it’s us parents that need to chill. Slow down and let them try to tie their shoe themselves or figure out the elevator floor by reading the sign. Kids often do a great job of reminding us to be present. Be ok with a lumpy bed sometimes, or shoes on the wrong foot. The goal here is to let kids try, fail, try again and anchor feelings of capability—so they don’t always depend on us to do everything!

16. “I love you no matter what.”Take a break from: “No one wants to be with you when you’re bad,” or “You’re not getting hugs and kisses after acting like that.”Example: “I love you no matter what behavior you have, AND I’d like you to ask your brother for the toy next time, instead of grabbing it.”Explained: Unconditional love is at the core of Positive Parenting and means that our love for our kids does not depend on the level of good behavior they have in the day. We love them with all of our heart no matter what. Feeding this truth into our children pours into their need to belong, which is a key motivating factor that Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs (grandfather of Positive Parenting) helps us understand. When kids’ basic needs are met, they misbehave less.

17. “I am not ok with ___________—yet.”Take a break from: “You’re not old enough,” or “You’re too little to do that.”Example: “I’m not ok with you walking on top of that brick wall because I’m scared you’ll fall and hurt yourself.”Explained: When we own our fears and worries, our kids respond and respect our limits a lot better. Kids often feel like they are old enough, strong enough, big enough and capable enough to do big things like ride bikes fast, climb high fences and carry big glasses of juice…but it’s us that isn’t ready to take the risk yet. Communicate this to your kids using the word I, and they will push back less.

18. “You care, so I’d love for you to decide.”Take a break from: “I don’t care.”Example: “You know what? I’m flexible on this, so can you choose for us. I’d love your help.”Explained: When we really don’t care, this is a great opportunity to empower our kids and let them lead! Good leaders are also good followers so teaching our kids this through letting them make decisions is good practice.

20 PHRASES TO USE WHEN YOUR CHILD ISN’T LISTENING (cont’d.)

19. “I believe in you and am here to support you.”Take a break from: Rescuing, i.e., “I’ll take care of this.” or “Why do I have to do everything for you?”Example: “I can see how this is tough for you and I believe in you to get through this. I am here to support you if you need ideas on how to handle the situation with integrity.”Explained: It’s important that as parents we set our kids up for success in the world to take care of themselves, solve their own problems and have confidence that they are capable. Supporting instead of rescuing often takes more patience, but it builds kids’ self-esteem and intrinsic motivation in the most beautiful ways!

20. “How are you feeling?”Take a break from: “Chill out; you don’t need to get so upset!”Example: “I can see you’re upset, what are you feeling?”Explained: Helping kids identify their emotions and communicate them effectively is an important element of positive parenting. When children get comfortable actually feeling an emotion and communicating it to others (instead of denying it and trying to MAKE it go away), behaviors have a tendency to be much cleaner and respectful.

Original story by Wendy Snyder for mother.ly.

20 PHRASES TO USE WHEN YOUR CHILD ISN’T LISTENING (cont’d.)