Mysterious Behavior Box

2006

By Andrea L. Chapman

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or

by any means—electronic or mechanical—including photocopying and recording, nor by any

information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher. All

artwork is copyrighted.

Disclaimer

This book is not to take the place of professional mental help, but to enhance your

understanding of yourself. I encourage you to seek professional help if you find there are

warning signs of prolonged mental problems with you or any of your family members. We are

not to self-diagnose. Again, this information is simply to help you gain a better understanding of

why you and your family do the things that you do.

ISBN: _13 978-1-4141-0723-3ISBN: 10-4141-0723-4

Publishing Company Pleasant Word

Illustration by: Maciej Zajac

Graphic design:

Printed in the United States of America

I dedicate this book in memory of my granddaughter Ozichi Favor Ogbonna who was with us a very short time, but had a profound impact on all of our lives.

She will be missed. She brought love and joy to our family.

I also gratefully dedicate this book to my family, friends, editors, professors at

Bowie State University, and the hundreds of students, and clients who have shared

their experiences, philosophy, and views. They have challenged me to write this

book in an easy-to-understand format because of their need to understand behavior.

Most importantly, I give God thanks for giving me the courage to do something

that is outside of my box.

Letter to the Reader

I wrote Mysterious Behavior Box to help people understand interesting facts about their

behavior and the behavior of their family. It is divided into two parts: part one, Mysterious

Behavior of Individuals, and part two, Mysterious Behavior of Family. I do not use

psychological terms, big words, or a lot of rhetoric to explain simple concepts. The format is

simple, easy-to-read, and user-friendly. Most of the chapters begin with questions, statements,

and scenarios that set the chapter’s pace and helps you, the reader, contemplate your answers

regarding some of your issues as well as those of your family members. I use many of my own

life’s experiences—pleasant, unpleasant, and humorous—so you can see that my understanding

is from a professional level, and also from personal experience.

When I began writing part two of this book on the family and the diversity of each family

member, I wanted to abandon the project. I felt it would be too difficult trying to simplify

something that is so complex? Writing a book that deals with family issues is more challenging

than one dealing with individual issues. Understanding family dynamics is important, and

presenting the right information to family members in an easy-to understand-format is vital.

They will understand better their individual actions, which will improve their family’s quality of

life.

Some of the information in this book may be repeated several times to reinforce

important points. However, this book is not a quick fix for your behavior. When people are

overweight, they want a quick-fix weight-loss program. They forget that in some cases it took

them years to gain the weight, and it will take them time to lose it. It is the same with your

behavior; it will take time to change negative and unhealthy behavior.

There may be professionals who do not agree with this book, and that is okay because I

want you to be your own judge. It is my desire that when you finish reading this book you will

begin, perhaps for the first time, to be honest with yourself, get to know yourself better, make

changes in your life that will benefit you as well as others, and most importantly will help you

get through many of your life’s experiences. In short, this book is written to help you become

more aware of things about you and your family.

Andrea L. Chapman

Special Features of Our Mysterious Behavior Box

Easy to read

No psychological terms

Visual art (cartoon drawings, pictures, and photos)

Stories to emphasize important points

Quotes and proverbs

Some of the author’s life experiences (her understanding of this

issue is based on personal as well as professional experience)

Short chapters

Hands-on activities (an aid for self-improvement)

CDs (for those who want to hear a voice and an added personal

touch). CDs are ordered separately at

www.mysteriousbehavior.com or see the appendix for mailing or

phone ordering.

Reading Instructions

Most people will read this book through from cover to cover

the first time. And that is okay. For maximum benefit read

Mysterious Behavior Box one chapter at a time.

At the beginning of each chapter is a quote or proverb—read

more than once because there is a very important message there for

you. Also at the beginning of each chapter is an art designed for your

review—a picture is worth a thousand words. There is a special

message just for you.

Most of the chapters conclude with the Mysterious Behavior

Actions and Activity Time feature to encourage self-evaluation. Be

honest with yourself. Do one exercise at a time. Contemplate and

review the exercises before writing your answers. In some cases you

may stop at one question. In other cases you may want to talk to

relatives or someone who has your best interest in mind to help you

understand and organize your thoughts.

I use some words interchangeably—brain, behavior box,

mind, box, mysterious behavior box—all meaning the same thing,

your thought processes.

CONTENTS

Part I –Mysterious Behavior of Individuals

Chapter 1 Introduction What Is Your Mysterious Behavior Box

Chapter 2

What Influences What Is In My Mysterious Behavior Box Hereditary Traits

o Physical Appearanceo Charactero Personality

People As Controllerso Spouseo People Who Don’t Like Youo Childreno Deceased Loved Oneso Traumatic Events With People

Chapter 3 People With Mysterious Behavior How Did These Things Get Into Your Box Why Do You Allow These Things To Get Into Your Box

Chapter 4 Skeletons In Your Mysterious Behavior Box

Chapter 5 Treasures In Your Mysterious Behavior Box

Chapter 6 Box Overload

Chapter 7 Do We Ever Come Out of Our Mysterious Behavior Box

Chapter 8Box Repair

Stay Alert Accept or Reject Journal

Chapter 9 Spiritual Box

Part II Mysterious Behavior of Family

Chapter 1 Introduction

Chapter 2 What is the Mysterious Family Behavior Box?

Chapter 3 The Complexity/Dynamics of the Mysterious Family Behavior Box

Chapter 4 The Right’s of Each Family Member

Chapter 5 Married Couples’ Mysterious Behavior

Chapter 6 Mysterious Divorce Box

Chapter 7 Children’s Mysterious Behavior Box

Chapter 8 The Mystery of Forgiving

Chapter 9 Mysterious Communication

Chapter 10 Mending the Family Again

Epilogue

Part I

Mysterious Behavior of Individuals

“The life which is unexamined is not worth living”—Plato

Chapter 1

Mysterious Brain

Introduction

“Stop yelling!”

“I wasn’t yelling. I am talking a little louder than usual.”

“You are yelling. You act just like your mother.”

“Oh really! And you act just like your father.”

“One thing I promised myself is that I would never treat my children the way my mother

or grandmother treated me.”

“Mom, I hate to be the one to break the news, but that is one promise you have broken.”

“Auntie Sue, I will never marry anyone like my alcoholic father”(and your

husband is a social drinker).

“Why can’t she stop eating? She is as big as a house.”

Do you find the statements above unnerving? Drug use, sexual desires, lying, dishonesty,

sharing, humor, spirituality, fear, love for gossip, forgiveness, lack of forgiveness, jealousy, hate,

love, are some of the many things we might find in our mysterious behavior box. But why are

they there, and how did they get there? You are about to get a glimpse of what may be in your

box.

Why is it so important to know what is in your box? The more you know the better

equipped you are to fight against your greatest enemy—you. I am sure you will find this book

helpful and very enlightening.

What Is Your Mysterious Behavior Box?

The mysterious behavior box is you, namely what goes on in your brain and

how you process that information. For example, Sue Henderson is washing dishes

when her husband comes home.

“Where is my dinner?” he asks.

“I didn’t have time to fix dinner, but it will be ready in one hour,” she

replies.

Cursing and physical abuse followed.

“You will never amount to anything,” he said.

I am going to leave him this time, she thinks to herself. I have a good job

and make more money then he does—I don’t have to take this. But she doesn’t

leave. She stays year after year. Why? Someone asked her why she allows herself

to be abused repeatedly abused, especially since she has the choice to leave.

“You are harming yourself and you are very unhappy,” stated a friend.

“What about the children? Leave for their sake,” commented another friend.

Sue’s answer was always, “I don’t know. I wonder myself, why I keep

allowing the same harmful things to happen repeatedly. I guess that is just the way

I am and always will be. That is the way things have to be.”

Sue’s decision to stay or leave her husband, and his decision to mistreat her

was processed first in the brain.

When you notice people doing things that you consider strange, it is because

they, like Sue Henderson, are operating in their comfort zone or their own private

logic. This comfort zone is not necessarily a cozy place to be, but a place of

familiarity. It can be a place where little changes are necessary. Most of us do not

like change, even if it is good for us.

When someone discusses a personal problem with you, you may think that

the solution is simple, a no brainier, like Sue’s. But what seems like a no brainier

to you may be very difficult for them. It depends on what’s in their mysterious

behavior box.

The mysterious behavior box is a place where many activities take place.

Some are active (we do these things without much thought), while others are

dormant (and remain that way until we activate them). You can say the box is your

total personality, character, and behavior. As you read this book, you may begin to

think differently as I reveal some very interesting facts about you. Keep an open

mind.

Chapter 2

“In the moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best things is to do the wrong thing and the worst thing you can do is nothing”—Theodore Roosevelt.

Influences! Influences! Influences!

Hereditary Trait?

Do or did your parents have high blood pressure?

Does anyone in your family have diabetes?

Is there mental illness in your family?

Why do doctors ask such questions about the health and mental status of your relatives?

How does this relate to your physical and mental health?

Specific genes determine heredity, and I believe that we inherit certain traits. Many of

these traits are passed on from our parents or other relatives—a genetic code of information from

our heritage—including our physical appearance, health, character, and personality. If you look

hard enough in your box you may find some very interesting positive or negative inherited traits.

In this chapter, I will discuss certain aspects of your appearance, your character, and your

personality, as they relate to your heritage. I will also discuss people and how they relate to your

behavior. These four areas are the ones that most influence your ability to handle life’s

situations. 1As you continue to read this book, you will discover more. Take time to process each

area. Allow your mind to reflect and contemplate your past, present, and future. Some of the

things you may find in your box are humorous, exciting and wonderful. Some are frightening

doubtful, and unbelievable. As I wrote earlier, keep an open mind. Grow and make changes for a

better you.

Physical Appearances

Without getting too technical, let’s just say, genes exist that specify certain

characteristics. For example, there is a gene for height, a gene for facial structure, a gene for

body shape, a gene for weight, and a gene for eye color. Physical traits affect what is in your

mysterious behavior box—traits passed from generation to generation. For example, your mother

may say you have eyes just like your grandfather. You wonder why one of your five children has

red hair, especially since neither you nor their father has red hair. So why is your child a red

head? Your mother reminded you that her grandmother had red hair. You look at a picture of

your great-grandmother and you’re surprised at the resemblance. Surely, you have no problem

understanding physical traits being passed on from one generation to the next.

If you think appearance is not a problem, in her book The Beauty Myth (Anchor Book,

1992), Naomi Wolf wrote “the typical model or actress is significantly below what the medical

1 Heredity is very important, but equally as important is our environment. Our environment influences our behavior

establishment has considered a healthy body weight. The desire to look like a model or actress

has contributed to what could be termed an outbreak in eating disorders among females.” Wolf

warns that “1 out of 10 college women develops an eating disorder while in college, but the

desire to be thin, for many girls, often starts as early as age eight.”

The media highlights a trend in men’s body care—hair color, skin care products and

cologne. Cosmetic surgery among men and women is becoming a billion dollar industry.

They complain about their noses being too wide, lips being too big or too thin, breast too

small or too large, and faces too wrinkled. This is something to think about.

Like it or not, your physical traits may have positive or negative effects on your behavior.

For example, let’s say you inherited your father’s big nose and pink lips and people make fun of

your appearance. You will do one of two things, accept or reject who you are. If you reject your

appearance, you may become very shy and withdrawn or loud and angry. On the other hand, if

you accept your appearance, you will become confident and positive.

Then again, you may be cursed by beauty. Cursed you say? Yes, cursed by beauty

because it may make you proud, arrogant, and egotistical. I’m sure you have met people who are

physically beautiful with ugly characteristics. In addition, you have met people who were

considered physically unattractive but are warm and personable. Who has the right to decide who

is beautiful? After all, isn’t beauty in the eyes of the beholder?

You may have inherited beautiful physical features from one of your parents. However, if

you have strong negative feelings about that parent, you may hate the way you look. If you have

a child that gets upset when told that he or she resembles their father, you may want to find out

why he or she reacts that way. If you are continually angry with one of your children (let’s say

it’s your son), and you make negative remarks about him, maybe you should evaluate your

attitude. Does he resemble his father whom you hate?

Note: If you don’t know your biological parent, that’s all right. When you look in the mirror you

can safely say that you look like one of them or some other blood relative. I have some of my

mother’s features, and I have been told that I look a lot like my biological father whom I never

knew.

Physical appearance influences your behavior.

Mysterious Behavior Action and Activity Time

Write down some physical traits that you know you have inherited from a parent or another

relative and identify that individual, for example a large nose from your father.

If you don’t know any of your relatives, that’s okay.

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________

Write down some of the physical traits that you like about yourself. Do you know why you like

these traits?

________________________________Why?______________________________

__________________________________________________________________

________________________________Why? _____________________________

__________________________________________________________________

________________________________Why? _____________________________

Write down some of the physical traits that you don’t like about yourself.

Do you know why you don’t like these traits? Write down your answer.

________________________________Why? _____________________________

__________________________________________________________________

________________________________Why? _____________________________

__________________________________________________________________

________________________________Why? _____________________________

The Moment of Truth. Look at yourself—it is very important to be honest with yourself.

Reflecting and Contemplating. How has your appearance affected your behavior?

Answer these questions truthfully.

How do you feel about your physical appearance?

Has your appearance altered your behavior in any way?

If your appearance has altered your behavior in a negative way, what are you going to do

about it?

1. Be proud of who you are.

2. If need be, look for ways to improve your appearance without going overboard

(cosmetic surgery).

3. Changing how you dress may be a way of solving your problem. A clothing

consultant may be helpful. If you can't afford a consultant, search the Internet or a

bookstore to find information on appropriate dress.

4. List the things that you don't like about your appearance and find ways to

improve. Cosmetics may be helpful in cases of facial flaws.

5. Talk to a skin care consultant.

Write down several things you have learned about physical appearance.

CharacterThere are several definitions of character. It is the collection of individual emotions and

behavior that makes one person different from another. Tim LaHaye, in his book Spirit

Controlled Temperament, gives these definitions: “It is the result of your natural temperament

modified by childhood training, education, and basic attitudes, beliefs, principles, and

motivations; it is sometimes referred to as the soul of a person, which is made up of the mind,

emotion, and will.” I love the way LaHaye further describes it in his book: “It is what you are

when there is no one else around.” Character is the combination of the environment and heredity.

Where does this distinctive quality, moral or ethical strength come from? Distinctive

character can go either way—positive or negative. Your choice helps you to develop into a

person of high moral value or a person with negative moral values. In other words, your

character is who you are.

Every time you choose to tell a lie, and continue to lie, what trait of character are you

displaying? You are a liar. If you choose to be trustworthy, what trait of character are you

displaying? Trustworthiness. These are by choice.

Do you think that you have inherited character traits?

My sister Brenda and I have hospitality traits from our grandmother Sarah (we call her

BaBa). She loved to entertain. We both drive our husbands crazy with our zeal to do for others,

entertain, and plan social events. My Mom says we act just like her mother did. It used to drive

my mother crazy. We just can’t help ourselves—we love it. Since it’s a positive thing, we keep

this trait active in our mysterious behavior box.

If you are brave enough, ask someone about your character. Don’t be surprised about the

response. People don’t always tell the truth.

Review the chart on character traits on the next page. You will need to know the one that

best describes you in the next exercise.

CHARACTER TRAITS

There are Other Traits Not Listed

Honest Covertly Rebellious

Dishonest Adventurous

Selfish Industrious

Unselfish Agreeable

Brave Disagreeable

Fearful Respectful

Conceited Disrespectful

Humble Considerate

Demanding Inconsiderate

Thoughtful Responsible

Thoughtless Irresponsible

Serious Energetic

Laid-back Lazy

Courageous Messy

Controlling Neat

Charming Optimist

Reserved Pessimist

Friendly Introvert

Overtly Rebellious Extrovert

Mysterious Behavior Action and Activity Time

Write down some of your character traits

Review the list on the previous page

POSTIVE TRAITS NEGATIVE TRAITS

__________________________ _______________________

__________________________ _______________________

__________________________ _______________________

__________________________ _______________________

__________________________ _______________________

__________________________ _______________________

__________________________ _______________________

__________________________ ______________________

__________________________ _______________________

__________________________ ________________________

__________________________ ________________________

__________________________ ________________________

Write down some character traits you inherited from your parents or other relatives and identify

that relative. Write down behavior charactertics you got from your caregivers even though they

are not related to you biologically. For example, Father: temper, Auntie Brenda: giving spirit

Positive traits

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________

Negative traits

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________

Write down character traits that you got from your environment (external influences--people).

Ask yourself how and why? For example, your friend steals—how did you start stealing and why

did you start stealing? A friend as a high achiever--why did you become a high achiever?

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________

The Moment of Truth. Look at yourself—be honest with yourself.

Reflecting and Contemplating. Look at your positive and negative character traits.

Answer these questions truthfully.

Do you find yourself doing things you thought you would never do?

Are some of your behaviors affecting those you love, as well as others?

Do you want to serve others?

Do you find yourself lying more than usual?

Do you like making people laugh?

Are you the kind of person that must be in control? Do you like confrontation?

Do you find yourself playing games with people’s minds?

What is your work ethic like?

Do you love giving?

Do you know what it is to love?

Do you like working for the underdogs, sometimes called the losers?

Have you let your environment influence your decision-making?

1. Make a list of some very important questions you need to ask yourself about

your character.

2. Prioritize your list of negative and positive characteristics that have affected

your relationship with others.

3. How have these charactertics affected you?

4. Seek ways to increase your positive charactertics so they can override the

negative ones.

5. Do you need to seek professional help?

Write down several things you have learned about character .